Chapter Text
* hey USER, howzit going today?
* (Ring, ring...)
* !!
* sorry pal, one sec...
* (Sans picks up the phone.)
* (He holds it at arm’s length.)
* (You're curious, but try not to eavesdrop, until Sans beckons you with a shit-eating grin.)
* (He taps the phone.)
* (Speakerphone activates. It’s loud.)
(Music: Nyeh Heh Heh!!)
--AND YET AGAIN YOU WERE NOT THERE AT YOUR STATION, BROTHER!
* well didja see updog there at least?
UPDOG?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANS.
* i mean updog. i left it at my station.
SANS WHAT IS UPDOG?
...
!!!
* (Sans is cackling madly.)
SAAAAAAAAAANS!
DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU ARE ALSO NOT FUNNY.
* aww. but guess what bro. i got a new job!
OH WOWIE!! REALLY??? BROTHER, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
* aw gee, paps..
* yeah.. it's pretty much my dream career. my equivalent of the royal guard.
(Music: Bonetrousle)
OH MY GOD!! REALLY?!? I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO TAKE INITIATIVE LIKE THAT. THOUGH, IT IS ONLY LOGICAL THAT THE BROTHER OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS WOULD ACHIEVE HIS LIFELONG DREAM.
(Sans has fallen asleep.)
AFTER ALL, ONE CANNOT BASK IN MY BRILLIANT EXCELLENCE WITHOUT ONE DAY ALSO RADIATING MY GREATNESS AND ENTHUSIASM TO FOLLOW YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS!!!
NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!
(Sans startles awake.)
* heh, guess you're right, pap.
* it's uh, a computer desk job. real classy.
I'M SO HAPPY YOU'VE MOVED ON FROM DOING LITERALLY NOTHING ALL THE TIME.
* uh-huh. it's great, paps. my boss USER is really sweet but still really cool.
* not as cool as you though, bro.
BUT OF COURSE, SANS.
* yeah, it's a top-tier desk job. ya could even say it's a desk top career.
WAIT. WHAT ARE YOUR NEW JOB DUTIES, BROTHER?
* well, for the most part i just sit here on USER's computer desk.
...
* occasionally i might take out the trash or write up reports, but for the most part i just stand around and look cute so USER's entertained.
I CERTAINLY RELATE TO THE FIRST AND LATTER DUTIES!!
(Music: silence)
* cuz after all, i always dreamt of getting paid for my special ability of
doing literally nothing.
(Music: Dogsong)
...
* ain't it great, paps?
SAAAAAAAAAAANS!!!
OH!! MY!! GOD!!! SANS NO!!
* sans yes.
BEING A PAPERWEIGHT IS NOT A VALID FORM OF EMPLOYMENT!!!
* not with that attitude.
YOUR PET ROCK IS MORE SUITED TO THAT CAREER FIELD!! AND YOU DON'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF THAT!
OH. MY. GOD. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. HOW COULD YOU JAPE THE GREAT PAPYRUS?!??
* with a phony job description, apparently.
DON'T YOU START WITH THE PUNS NOW!!!
* been punning the whole time,
DON'T YOU DARE.
ya just didn't have proper con text .
BROTHER, YOU ARE THE WORST!!
* sorry bro. i know it might take you a file to get over it.
OH MY GOD SANS, DO YOU EVER STOP???
* not while i'm on the clock.
REALLY SANS?? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING RIGHT NOW?
* honestly can't decide if i'm workin' hard or hardly workin'.
OHMYGOD??
YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!!!
* (Click.)
(Music: silence)
* welp. that sure was somethin'.
[End of part 1]
