Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Somehow Jackson feels like he shouldn't be surprised. Somewhere deep down in the furthest corners of his heart he knows he shouldn't feel like crumbling to the ground and screaming until he felt numb, but no matter how he thinks he should feel, theres no denying that he's hurting everywhere.

It feels like he's drowning while simultaneously falling off the highest place on earth. He feels like nothing while Jaebum looks like everything. He supposes that makes the most sense. Jaebum was his everything, he is, he was?

"I don't-" Jackson isn't sure who said it, he thinks he might have since it sounded so quiet and fragile, but again it could've been Jaebum, he always did try and speak the softest when Jackson was hurt, when they fought.

"You're... you're giving it back?" It feels wrong in more than one way to be talking about this when they're not even facing each other. Jackson thinks about turning around and looking at Jaebum, but then he shoves the idea away, facing him would make it hurt more, the feeling of Jaebum's chest against his back keeps him from running away.

It's strange in more ways than one that they're laying down on the same bed cuddling while talking about this. Jackson doesn't know why they're doing this now, why Jaebum decided to wait until he was comfortable and warm in his arms, he doesn't know why Jaebum is doing this in the first place.

Jaebum doesn't answer for a while and in those seconds Jackson hopes he's hesitating and taking it back, that he says he's changed his mind. Jaebum's grip on his waist tightens and Jackson's heart plummets down until he thinks he's no longer alive. His own grip on Jaebum's wrist tightens and he's surprised the older doesn't make a single noise of complaint.

"When?" He's switched to talking even softer than before, but he doesn't think he'd able to speak any louder even if he tried. The knot in his throat blocks his voice from being more than a whisper.

"I'm not sure." Jaebum still sounds like he always does, his voice familiar and comforting even if his words hurt more than anything. "For a while now, i think."

"Please-" Jackson chokes on a sob and Jaebum whispers repeated apologies against his shoulder, his lips grazing his skin and leaving a burn behind that Jackson wants to scrub away and tattoo onto his skin all at the same time.

Jaebum takes his hand and places the small silver band in his palm and then closes his fingers around it and folds their hands against Jackson's heaving chest.

The ring was simple and nothing fancy or extravagant, it was plain and silver and only had their initials engraved into the inside. Jackson had given it to Jaebum on their first year anniversary as boyfriends.

A promise ring.

Jaebum had loved it and he'd smiled the brightest Jackson had thought was possible. They'd promised and they'd agreed that Jaebum would only give it back if he ever fell out of love with him.

Jackson wonders for how long Jaebum thought about when the right time to give it back was. There was so much going on that he's pretty sure the older had pushed it away until he felt it was safe to do so. Somehow it hurts a lot more now than Jackson thinks it would have hurt if he'd done it before.

He was unhappy.

Jaebum's happiness was what made Jackson the happiest. Knowing he'd been keeping Jaebum from being happy for longer than Jaebum could remember made him hurt even more.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry baby." Jaebum genuinely sounds sorry, his voice cracking somewhere in between and his tears falling on Jacksons skin a telltale sign that he's somehow hurting too.

It hurts so much, more than Jackson thought physically possible. It was the type of pain you couldn't handle while simultaneously feeling it all over. He was shaking by then, trembling and trying to make himself as small as possible while trying not to loose contact with Jaebum against his back.

Chapter Text

The weeks following their breakup seem to drag on and pass so slowly that it makes Jackson wonder if its only been two weeks instead of the months he feels that have gone by.

He looks like shit, he knows he does because they boys keep hovering and trying to ask if everything is okay without being too overbearing. Jaebum always looks at him softly, eyes full of guilt and apologies that Jackson can't stand to see. He contemplates going to visit his parents for a few days, just to get away, but he knows they'll ask too, they'll be as worried as the boys are, they'll ask questions and Jackson can't answer them. Not now, not out loud.

He misses his mom, her presence would no doubt make the tightness in his chest lessen, he'll also find comfort in the warmth of her hugs. He misses her and her coddling, her fussing over him about anything and almost everything and he misses the comfort of being home.

He decides to go to Hong Kong for a few days on the day that it officially becomes one month that Jaebum has given him his ring back.

Unsurprisingly, Jaebum is the one he tells first that he's going for a visit. He knocks on his bedroom door that he shares with Youngjae and freezes dumbly when the door opens and Jaebum's surprise shows in how his eyes widen.

"Jackson, what-"

"Hyung I-" They both say at the same time and Jaebum scratches at his jaw nervously.

"What's up?" His words were soft but they held a bit of underlying awkwardness and Jackson hunched his shoulders to try and make himself smaller.

"I'm leaving." Jaebum's eyes turned frantic for a second, flickering to every part of his face and Jackson sighed. "I'm going to visit my parents for a few days; I don't know how long I'll stay or when I'll come back. I just need a few days."

"Oh," The space between them seemed to go on for miles and Jackson tried even more to fold in on himself. "Okay, when do you leave?"

When do you leave?

Jackson doesn't know what he was expecting. Did he expect Jaebum try and stop him? Did he expect Jaebum to beg him not to go?

"I- tomorrow morning. I have to tell the kids and Mark still." Another bout of silence that weighed heavy on his chest followed and he tried to smile. "I'm gonna finish packing."

"Okay," Jaebum nodded with a whisper and then Jackson turned around to go back to his room.

It was a bit fascinating in a totally weird way how they could go from being so close, so familiar with each other one day and the next be as awkward or even more so than they were when they'd barely met.

Packing his folded clothes into his suitcase, Jackson stops and looks at the shirt he has in his hands, its orange and big and familiar in his hands and brings on a river of memories of his body drowning in it, of it hanging off him or clinging to his sweaty skin. Its clean now and when he brings it up to his nose he shakingly inhales. Its been washed and it's been in his closet for who knows how long, but it still carries Jaebum's scent, still smells like him as if he'd just taken it off. It throws jackson off a bit, how much he's missed just being able to smell Jaebum. He was always so close, so in reach that he didnt have time to miss him before he was there again.

He was weak, he knew that the moment he placed the shirt in his suitcase and closed it with a sting in his eyes.

The silence of the room made the loneliness he was feeling even more prominent, Mark was in the living room, had left when Jackson had pushed him away after he'd asked for the billionth time if he was feeling better. It was a shitty thing to do, he knew that. The boys just wanted to help, wanted to let him know they were there for him if he wanted to talk to them, and he appreciated it, he did, but it was still too soon. The wound was fresh and even thinking about it felt like he was smearing salt on it so talking about it was worse.

The door opening behind him made him blink away the tears that had began pooling in his eyes and then there was a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, don't go."

Jackson frowned, a small tilt to his lips that made it look like he was going to pout and he sighed.

"I have to;" the hand on his shoulder slid down to his wrist and he tried shaking it off. "I want to."

Jinyoung's sigh seemed to echo in the room as he sat on the bed and tried to get him to look at him in the eyes. "You're running away."

"I'm giving myself space. Both of us actually." Jinyoung didn't understand, he tried to, Jackson knows he tried to understand, but he didn't and what he called running away was what Jackson called needing to distance himself. If he stayed any longer it would probably result to him feeling even shittier. Jaebum was now his ex boyfriend and just because they were in the same group, just because they were idols together didn't mean he had to treat his break up any differently than he would treat it if they weren't idols.

Normal broken up couples dont even talk to each other the next day after breaking up, he's had to live with Jaebum for almost a month after their split and he just needs to get away. If not forever then just for a few days.

"It's almost the same thing." Jinyoung sighed and Jackson wondered if he'd come in here just to antagonize him.

"When normal couples break up they dont talk to each other ever again because it's normal. Living with your ex for a fucking month after they break up with you feels shitty as hell, I have to see him everyday, talk to him almost everyday when we're being filmed. Don't say shit about me leaving. If you want to call it running away then fine, but im not going to sit here and let myself suffer just so you or Mark or Youngjae or BamBam or Yugyeom or even Jaebum can think I'm handling it when im fucking not, okay?!"

Jinyoung looks pleased and for a minute Jackson almost hits him, feels a bubble of rage grow in his chest until Jinyoung stands and pulls him in for a hug.

"I just needed you to admit out loud to somebody that you weren't okay." The younger shushes him and only then does Jackson realize he's crying, little hiccups and sniffles tumbling out of him as he burrows himself against Jinyoung's chest. "You keep saying you're fine, you pretend to be but you dont look fine, you dont even look okay or good. You need to admit out loud sometimes the things that hurt you so you can share your hurt and burden with people who want to be there to help you. You're strong, but even the strongest of people need help and support in their roughest times."

"I'm weak."

"You're human. Weakness is a part of humanity and everyone is weak at some point over something." Jinyoung pulls back and wipes his tears off for him and caresses his cheek. "Now you go on and give yourself the space you need."

All Jackson can manage is a watery smile that probably looks more like a grimace than anything, but Jinyoung takes it for what it is and pats his cheek.

"I'm leaving tomorrow morning, like at 5 AM." Jackson wipes at the remainder of his tears and sniffles. "I have to tell the kids. And Mark." Jinyoung doesn't ask about Jaebum and Jackson is grateful as he blows out a breath and tugs the sleeves of his green sweater over his hands into sweater paws. "I want dinner now."

"Ugh fine there's some ramen packages somewhere in the kitchen." He hasnt been able to eat ramen in a while so he just nods and follows Jinyoung out of the room and into the kitchen.

It's not getting better, not yet and it probably won't be for a little while longer, but he'll get there eventually.