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Harry loved Louis he really did. He loved his morning haziness, his drunk clinginess, everything. When they first started dating Harry wasn't even sure that Louis was human, he just seemed too perfect. He was perfect, for Harry, at least most of the time. You see Louis had this problem with being possessive. At first Harry loved it, how Louis would remind him who he belonged to. Protect him from anyone who posed a little bit of a threat to there stable relationship. It was hot and rather flattering.
That was before it got to be annoying. Harry had been holding it in, the snappy retorts and the rolled eyes for a while. It was only natural that he blow up. It couldn't have come at a worse time really, Harry had just spent the whole weekend with his work mate Nick at this fashion showcase. As soon as Harry got home Louis was on him.
"How was it?" Louis asked after helping Harry bring in his bags. Harry almost started crying because he knew what would come next, the questions about Nick, his intentions, and Louis would even mention the models intentions. Even a though they were girls and even though Harry had a high preference for men although he was bisexual. Harry was tired, he was exhausted too be dishonest, and Louis wanted to be possessive. He was just too spent to deal with it.
"Fine." Harry responded his voice tried, it damn tried to warn Louis not to ask what he did, whom he was with and where he went. Louis sighed and let his fringe fall in his face. He was just (if not more) exhausted as Harry. If you look closely you could see red rims from tearful nights and unanswered questions. If looked in those eyes you could see the love that churned in there like water in the depths, all directed toward Harry who was haphazardly laying across his couch.
"Yeah, did any of the models flirt with you?" Harry knew it would be better if he lied. Louis would be happy, Harry wouldn't be interrogated. But it seemed logic left Harry's brain, he was tired and he just wanted Louis to fuck off.
"Yes, a few." Harry closed his eyes so he could roll his eyes without hurting Louis's feelings. If Harry's had not been closed he would have seen the absolute terror in Louis's eyes, the despair, and the overcoming desperation. Louis paused before not quite touching Harrys face, his fingers likes feathers. He never touched Harry just let his hands trace where Harry's face would be if he sat up.
"Did you flirt back?" Louis said after his voice had regained it's ability to speak. Hopelessness was laced in every word. Carefully hidden in a coddling tone. Harry was a gone, anymore remains of his self control had vanished. He was angry, so angry he forgot about how Louis felt.
"With the fit ones yeah, I did." Louis's voice hitched, a lump caught in his throat he swallowed it down. Harry was looking smug, happy with himself for making Louis feel just as annoyed as he was. Harry wasn't annoying Louis, no Harry was tearing Louis apart. Weakening him, with on poke Louis could easily shatter, like glass.
"You told them you had a boyfriend, afterwords right?" Louis's voice was barely a whisper. But Harry didn't notice, he just was put out by the question in general.
"No, I need contacts in the fashion world Louis, don't you get it. I work at a fashion magazine, models need to like me!" Louis understood Harry's job, it just hurt. That Harry would tell him. Especially in that matter, Louis wasn't bring in the main money in their relationship. He had just stopped bartending because of the rude comments. He had a job, but it didn't bring in much money. It was a low blow for Harry to bring up were he worked. Harry realized this but didn't really care it felt so damn good. Louis was just being so inconsiderate about this whole thing and Harry felt good.
Louis moved into Harry's lap trying to spoon, to feel any affection from his boyfriend directed toward him, "Oh, I love you babe. I'm all here for you making contacts just don't tell me about it, or I’ll never let you go." Louis tried to turn the conversation teasing bopping Harry's nose to make a point. Harry was fuming, Louis had the audacity to threaten him!
"You know what? If you love me, let me go." as soon as the words let Harry's mouth Louis was out of Harry's arms. Pushing himself off Harry onto the ground almost crawling away from Harry. That was it Louis was shattered, broken beyond any easy fix. He sat there on the floor trying to hold himself together for the sake of his relationship.
"I'm going to Nicks, don't wait up." Harry said grabbing his bag from where Louis had placed it on there bed. Then promptly leaving flat.
Louis let it all out. The broken sobs left his body, unable to stop. Curling up into himself. He tried to hold himself together, his nails leaving crescents across his legs. Louis knew Harry was fading away, he liked Nick so much more the Louis. He would rather be with anyone that with Louis. It hurt, Louis felt it everywhere he went, that sensation that Harry was in love with someone else. Louis did everything he could to be perfect for Harry, to keep him coming back home to him. He saved his money to get Harry gifts, he did Laundry, opened doors, learned how to make food for Harry, had sex even when he was tired, kept the flat clean, stocked the printer, etc. Louis just really wanted Harry to be happy with him. So he asked him if he liked his time with others more than his time with Louis. Louis knew he wasn't worth Harry's attention let alone his affection. He wasn't stupid, he was in love though. So he would do anything to make Harry happy. Even if it hurt him, if Harry wanted Louis out of his life, Louis would leave. Harry was showing signs of wanting him to leave, and it hurt a lot, but Louis wanted to make sure Harry came out of this okay. But Louis, Louis would come out of this mess scarred and crippled. Louis stopped crying no longer having the fear of falling apart and full of apprehension. Louis made a plan to help Harry fall out of love with him faster, that way he could move on to better more happiness inducing things. Such was the nature of Louis love.
Harry didn't realize something was wrong when Louis didn't run up to snog Harry senseless as soon as he came back, he just thought Louis learned his lesson. Instead he kissed Harry's cheek and handed him a mug of tea. Greeting him with a simple "I love you, I hope you had a good nights sleep. Couches aren't great for backs." with his usually teasing banter. Harry frowned at that he was still annoyed with Louis. Not that being annoyed with Louis was new. Louis just seemed off, lately yes he was possessive and clingy but Harry was fine with it. Really Louis got annoying when Nick started to hang around. Harry guessed that Louis got the hint to not be so possessive near about Nick but now his lack of normal possessiveness bugged him.
Harry responded "Good thing I slept in a bed then." A silence followed. Louis fought every urge he had to cry. He wanted, no needed Harry to be happy. Harry mentally scolded himself knowing he went to far that time.
Harry waited for Louis's reaction, he stood there frozen for a second then like a perfect imposter he said "Great, your back probably doesn't hurt, so that's a plus." Harry stood there staring at Louis, shocked. It was awkward until they heard a beep, Louis turned around and pulled out the saddest sight he had seen in a long time. A single breakfast, as if Louis didn't think Harry would be coming home. Harry looked around and saw that, he was correct. Louis didn't think Harry was coming home. He was holding the only cuppa in the kitchen and it was black Louis style rather than with milk which was his. Louis put the egg on a plate and handed it to Harry before going to the bathroom to block out his choked sobs. When Louis came out Harry knew he had to do damage control.
"So what is the plus thing. Is it like the more points I get the more I love you." Harry expected Louis to smile at him like he did every time he said the L word but Louis just smiled a heartbreakingly sad smile.
"I was just saying that staying in a bed even if it isn't yours is a step up from a couch." Louis said looking at Harry as he grabbed an apple for breakfast. Harry just looked at him agape.
"Our."
"What?" Louis asked even a though he already knew.
"Our bed, not mine." Harry said very slowly punucating each syllable.
"I really didn't pay for it so, yeah it's yours." Harry winces at the lack of Louis customary babe.
"Is this about what I said yesterday, becaus-"
"No! Its not at all. I understand your work and salary, I'm not going to lie to you or myself. You make more money, and you can't be here as much. Speaking of work, Harry you have to go its like 7, your job needs you." Louis said. Harry frowned, how he behaved last night was not forgivable. He was so angry with himself, that he beat Nicks guest room pillow into the wall. Louis shouldn't have forgiven him so easily. Harry was annoyed again, because Louis wasn't acting like himself and he missed Louis.
"Hey I'll text you lunch, Kay?" Harry said even though Louis usually texts him because he forgets. He goes in to kiss Louis and Louis moves his head so Harry kisses his cheek. Once Harry leaves Louis calls up the old owner of the bar he used to work at and begged for his job back. After all after Harry kicks him out he need a place to have to stay.
Step one of his plan was finished, make it so Harry wouldn't feel guilty.
-/-/-
It's 2:30 and Harry's worried. His lunch break passed and Louis didn't text him. Harry didn't text Louis but he never did really. Harry looked at his planner before hiding he head in his hands.
"Nick?"
"Yes."
"I messed up." Harry groaned.
"Then fix it." Nick suggested.
"How?" Harry pleaded.
"You've never done anything shit to Louis and had to make it up before?" Nick asked.
"No?"
"No shit mate, this time he might not forgive you though,"
"What did I do?" Harry asked looking confused, since he didn't tell Nick about there fight.
"Really? Louis is really a sufferable bastard for putting up with you. It was his first paycheck during the weekend. He planned to make a big deal about buying something that wasn't earned in a place where he got.... you know. He even invited me out." Harry swallowed, he forgot. How could he forget? This was Louis, he never forget anything about Louis. Fuck, even Nick remembered.
"Shit how should I make it up?"
"Come out to this thing with me tonight, good drinks, great music, fun time." Nick suggested. Harry smiled and texted Louis:
hey, 4 paycheck remake, nick found a cool rave.x
When Louis got the message he had to hold himself to counter to keep from crying. He called up Willems Antique shoppe.
"Hello,This is Louis Tomlinson. I would like you to take the promise ring I had on hold and w-ell I do-n't rea-lly need it an-ymore."
A older man awkwardly responded "Yeah we already did when you didn't show to buy it this weekend." Louis hung up and started crying again. It seemed he was doing that a lot lately.
-/-/-
"Louis you look dashing." Harry's voice was in the shell of Louis's ear. Louis shivered, he would miss this, Harry trying to seduce him. Fuck, he would miss Harry. Sleepy Harry, Soft Harry, Any Harry, even the Harry that hated him. Louis looked around the crowded, sweaty room and at his boyfriend. Yeah, he's happier here than if I took him and a few friends shopping for a ring. He tried to convince himself. God he was glad Harry told him on Friday that he wasn't going to be around because if he had carried through it would have been terrible to see Harry reject him. In front of his friends no less, he'd never show his face again. it's one thing to know you aren't good enough, it's another thing for everyone else too.
Harry look like sex, as usually. Tight jeans, designer shirt that Louis couldn't hope to have a actually conversation with Harry about, and tousled hair. Harry deserved that, someone who could talk to him about his work. Louis followed Harry onto the dance floor, Harry was very animatedly grinding on him but Louis couldn't retaliate, especially since he wouldn't have Harry for much longer. Louis wasn't really having a miserable time, well until Harry decided to dance with Nick. Louis turned around left the rave, not wanting to see Harry so happy without him. When Harry went to look for him and didn't find him. He kept wondering were he went wrong.
-/-/-
Louis grabbed his white shirt and vest, from Harry's flat and caught the tube to his Job. When he walked into bar, he winced at the wolf whistles. 'Nice ass!' some guy yelled and Louis looked down. He walked behind the shitty bar and told his boss, Mark that he'd start now. Mark just giggled into his vodka. Louis kept quiet, serving every drink, wincing at the terribly objectifying comments that were thrown at him. During his break he called Zayn. Zayn and him and a weird friendship, in the beginning Zayn really didn't like him, Louis was just his loud roommate. It all changed when Louis came back to the dorm and promptly started sobbing quietly. His boyfriend was cheating on him, again. Zayn being a decent human talked Louis into calmness and then a friendship was born.
"Lou?" Zayn answered, Louis could hear Perrie in the back round telling Zayn to 'bugger off or get out of bed'
"He doesn't love me, I don't think he ever did."
"Do you mean Harry?" Zayn questioned, because he was tired and Louis just woke him up.
"Yeah." Zayn had never heard such a unhappy voice in his life.
"Louis anyone who puts up with your shit enough to live and be around you that much loves you." Zayn said teasingly.
"Which is why I need to find another flat nearer to my old job. " Zayn's smile slipped off his face. He liked Harry, one of the best blokes Louis dated. Which wasn't saying a lot but still. Zayn liked him and now Harry didn't like Louis and that didn't seem right.
"Hey if things are bad there you can just kip at ours for a while." Perrie groaned in the back round.
"I think he'll want me to take the flat but you know I can't do that." Zayn did know. He knew how Louis would hate to be reminded of a past relationship, despise it. Zayn knew a lot about Louis and how he healed after heartbreak. After all Zayn was the one who picked up the broken parts of Louis when the pricks he dated dropped him and he shattered.
"Yeah bebs, maybe you can leave before he does like if he says he's gonna move out on Wednesday then pack up and go the Sunday before. "
"He has a work thing in like 3 weeks I could leave then, and kip at yours a little bit before. If thats alright with you." You could hear the question in Louis words,Zayn sighed of course he would let Louis stay with them for a while. Even with the years of friendship between them Louis still thought Zayn didn't like him.
"Of course, and Lou will you be okay?"
"No, Zayn I don't think I will, but what can you do. When someone falls out of love,they fall out of love." Louis hung up on Zayn choking down the lump in his throat. Hoping that one day it might choke him.
-/-/-
When Louis shift was over it was 2 am. When he got to Harry's flat Harry was still waiting up for him. When Harry saw Louis he just wanted to hug him tight, but clingy wasn't his style.
"Babe where did you go?" Harry asked concerned.
"Work." Harry looked confused until he looked at Louis and saw the uniform. Harry shakes his head unbelieving.
"I thought you quit." Harry said confused.
"I need the money." Louis said.
"We don't need money Louis, not at the cost of your respect, we don't!" Harry said outraged. Louis annoyed him with his damned ego, why not let Harry pay for things.
"I'd just like some extra padding, and Harry don't you think I lost whatever respect I had a while ago?" Louis said disbelieving.
"No I don't,I think you lost that respect when you walked into that bar tonight.". Harry said seriously.
"No one respected me much anyway. The gay guy who tried to work through his shitty homophobia filled past and self hate by working at a the seediest gay bar. To top it off I believed every true love cliche. Harry don't kid yourself I get pity on a good day, and spite on a bad." Louis said glancing at Harry.
"That isn't true and you know it!" Harry replied exasperated. If Louis was being a drama queen for attention Harry was going to blow his shit, not that he wasn't already.
"Your honestly too good for this world Harry, far too kind." He said that longingly instead of his normal endeared voice. Confusing Harry more.
"You know I was worried right? In the rave, you were there and then you weren't." Harry said suddenly.
"I left when my shift started, like I did the last time I went clubbing." Louis said. Harry looked up confused, had they really not been out since Louis got his old/new job. He remembers that night, Louis smiling, laughing, chatting with the bartender. It was great until about 11 when Louis left.
"That job almost ended our relationship, are you seriously going back there?" Harry asked. Louis sighed and padded down pasted Harry into there shared bedroom.
"I'm wearing the uniform aren't I?" Harry huffed and pushed pass Louis grabbed his running clothes, as he always does when he's angry and went to the gym.
Step two complete: give him a reason to break up with you.
-/-/-
When Harry came back from his angry treadmill over usage Louis was in bed asleep. Losing his sweaty clothes Harry finished his shower and walked into his room. Louis was curled in a ball surrounded in sheets his face still crinkled in sadness in his sleep. Louis looked so alone, even with Harry in the picture Louis looked so lonely in hurt. And for the first time Harry felt sorry for Louis.
-/-/-
This is what wrecked Louis. He knew it would hurt, oh he knew. Seeing Harry smile or laugh with someone hurt. When he decided that it was time he started sobbing again. Louis didn't know why he sobbed, it didn't do anything to help. It just made him more pathetic. But it was here for him every time he wasn't good enough.
"Nicks coming over for drinks today right?" Louis asked Harry, knowing that every other Friday night Harry liked to hang out with friends. Harry had this thing about balancing out the people in his life. The more he loved you the more time he spent with you. Louis knew he was pretty important in the past, Harry might even blow people off to be with him. Now well now Louis was being blown off. 'Date' night became talk with Nick about politics while Louis sits alone in a library trying not to feel insignificant. Usually the sitting alone only made it worse.
"I missed our special night last time to be with Nick, we should make it up." Harry lowered the last part making it slightly seducing. They hadn't even kissed in 2 weeks, probably because Louis wasn't as attractive a Harry was. Not that Harry carried about looks, he was better than that, it was probably because Louis wasn't as good at it as him.
"Nonsense! You hardly talk to Nick at all." Louis said his voice with a slight pleading tone to it. Harry winced like he was getting punched in the gut. Harry wanted Louis to back off Nick, not put Nick in front of Louis.
"We work together." Louis bite his lip, he shifted from side to side, not meeting Harry's eyes.
"You never get to talk about non work things. I'll get the wine and glasses you like out." Louis hurried off before Harry could respond.
An hour later Nick was at the front door smiling, Harry was sulking, and Louis was miserable but painted a smile on his face.
"Hey Nick, come in. Harry's upstairs but he'll be down soon." Louis said, trying as hard as he could not to let his pain bleed into his voice.
"Okay, great." Nick said eyeing the stairs. Louis made the gesture to come to the living room.
"So how are things?" Louis said trying his hardest not to seem uncomfortable.
"Fine, jobs good, moneys good, things are good." Nick said clearly uncomfortable. Louis winced at the job and money part because he certainly wasn't good in Nicks standards. He was at dead beat job and a shit job, with no money. He had Harry, but not anymore.
"I hear your still single? How'd that happen with a catch like you?" Louis said his voice dripping with sincerity and confusion. Nick was every guys (Harry's) wet dream guy, he wore impeccable clothes ("I just like it when people stare because My company and I are dressed well.") was fun ("Louis, it was great we just talked and laughed. He is just such a fun time guy") stable,(aka money, job, mentally alright) interesting ("God! I never meet anyone half as cool as Nick!") and his looks didn't deter from it.
"All the good ones are taken." Nick said looking from the stairs to Louis with a bitterness. Louis felt a pang in his chest, he wanted to shout "No he isn't taken, grab him quick. Make him happy. Before I latch on and don't let go." But he didn't because Harry would feel guilty.
"I know what you mean, it was the same for me all though collage, but hey eventually someone's going to open up and you got to fight to get there first." Louis said smile weak but not gone "I'll go get Harry for you."
Walking upstairs Louis saw Harry looking at his clothes objectively. Trying to decide what to wear, for Nick, not Louis, Nick. Louis resisted against the urge to tell Harry Nick would bang him if he dressed in sweats. Knocking quietly Louis made the get going signal to Harry. Pulling his shirt down Harry tried to kiss Louis on the cheek only to be narrowly avoided.
Louis could hear the greetings and hugs and felt like the 3rd wheel even though he wasn't even down there. Nick and Harry talked about there clothes and Louis couldn't follow. He listened in as much as he could without looking suspicious. Even though it was torturing him.
"I'm telling Juicy male sweats are terrible!" Nick said laughing showing Harry what looked to be his phone.
"Oh god! I was never one for a man in sweats!" Harry said crackling. Louis frowned he always wore sweats around the house. Even at other peoples houses, Louis shuttered at the thought of all the times Harry was embarrassed by him. Not that he thought Harry wasn't. He just thought it didn't happen so often. By 5 o'clock Nick was drunk and Harry was almost there too. Louis quietly in his sweats went down stairs to get some water. Louis didn't know why maybe he was a masochist, or maybe to look for the shame in Harry's eyes to confirm what Harry said earlier.
"I thought you weren't into men in sweats Harry." Nick said the wine and jealousy talking. Louis stiffened on the stairs out of their view, "'men with fashion taste are the best! God help me!' If I remember right." Nick said laughing. Harry frowned his buzzed mind strained because every time Nick came over Louis wore his clothes as to not look out of place. His small body almost drowned in his clothes. The receptionist at his work thought it was adorable, what her name? Eleanor, yeah Eleanor had a bit of a crush on Louis it seemed, Nick thought it was annoying saying he should 'get his own nice clothes' and Harry, well Harry loved it since it was Louis and he loved Louis. And now he wasn't doing it anymore.
"Nick how drunk are you?" Harry said laughing. That hurt, it really did, Louis felt that like knives being stabbed in his stomach. Repeatedly. Harry laughed with Nick, at him. The shame burned in his stomach. Well at least Harry had another reason to break up with him.
"So drunk I might even buy Juicy Sweats." Harry laughed at that and smiled, kind of drunk himself.
"As a good friend I can't let that happen! Lets get you home." Harry said laughing to himself. Louis went upstairs, he didn't need to see the guilty that wouldn't be in Harry's eyes when he saw him. Plus Louis needed sleep for his bartending gig.
Step 3 complete; make him see other people as relationship worthy.
-/-/-
Fuck what Louis said earlier, this was the hardest step. At least he could still see Harry back then now he avoided him at all costs. It sucked eating alone, without Harry's cooking, without Harry. He was packing at the moment Harry walked in glum.
"I just ate dinner, alone, again. I told you this job could ruin our relationship but you and your ego just couldn't handle being taken care of, I mean reall- Wait why are you packing?"
"I just thought with Perrie and Zayn's relationship heating up I should hang out with him before he got honest." Harry was frozen in shock. Louis looked down at his bag. Ashamed that he wasn't important enough for Harry to pay attention too.
"How long will you be gone?" Harry asked pained. Louis winced because he knew it would hurt him so much more when Harry broke it off.
"Two weeks." It had taken a long time for Louis to figure that out. One week was a lot for a happy couple but Harry wasn't happy. Three weeks was a lot for an unhappy couple but Harry wasn't unhappy. So he settled on 2 weeks just enough time for Harry to forget him.
"That's a long time." Harry said looking down, he already didn't see Louis enough but to have this top it off was just despairing. Louis wasn't there like he used to be and that hurt.
"Not really, I've got a train to catch in 10 minutes so I got to go." Louis lied. His train left in an hour but he didn't want to spend anymore time hurting than possible. Louis pushed past Harry and out the door with a single "goodbye"
Step Four: make him forget you.
-/-/-
"Oh Louis, that bad huh?" Perrie said hugging Louis tightly. What she was referring to Louis knew all too much about, the dark crescents under his eyes, the red I've-been-sobbing eyes, and the way his body was limp around her hug. Perrie just winced knowing that the man she held so dearly wouldn't be as happy as he could be be.
"Yeah, it's that bad." Louis sighed as Zayn hugged him too. They looked like a family, him the kid. That was a depressing thought, that his friends only liked him because of a feeling of obligation. The ride home was full of comforting touches and promises of junk food. As soon as he got there he laid on there guest bed and cried. Louis stopped crying after the visit from Nick, just sad. Now he let it all out, not pausing for anything. He stayed like that for 2 days. When he finally got out of his comatose state, he and Zayn decided to have the talk. The talk basically was Zayn calling his boyfriend an ass and telling Louis to break up with him.
"What did Harry do?" Louis groaned because Harry didn't do anything. It was all Louis. It was always Louis. Louis was too loud, Louis didn't fit into his plan, Louis wasn't high class enough, Louis made them gay, Louis was too needy, Louis wasn't good enough. For anyone. As much as he tried.
"He doesn't like me anymore, but like he doesn't have a reason to dump me and he is just stuck."
"What made you think he doesn't like you?"
"He's been hanging around other people more than with me, especially this guy who likes him, and like just saying harsh things." Louis looked down, he knew it didn't sound like much but, Louis knew it, he did, "he barely initiations anything unless he thinks I want it like. He'll try and kiss my cheek because I usually want a snog when he goes away. It just sucks and feels one sided, and Harry doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be in a relationship where they can talk about his work without being confused, where making dinner is a shared thing instead of a one person thing, where he isn't embarrassed to be in it, where he actually loves the person he's with. We aren't that." Much to Louis shame.
"You know when Perrie thought I was cheating on her?" Louis nodded "We were kind of where you are now. Just here me out okay, like the other one wasn't sure if they were loved and it took a big act of love to like clear it up. Me shouting I loved her I'm the middle of her exams, her writing a song for me. Look at us now, we are so happy. Perhaps you are just having a relationship phase." Louis snorted, maybe the world was having a phase. a phase where he seemed like shit for anyone to demean. Or perhaps more likely he was shit.
"Zayn I couldn't love Harry more but if I did any of that he'd be embarrassed and it would end. Plus Harry doesn't love me, he's tolerating me." Louis choked on the words. It felt weird finally saying them. He had thought them for so long and now they were there. Out. And as much as he thought it would liberate him it just trapped him more.
"I wouldn't doubt that you love him, your putting yourself through all this pain for him, god knows that would take love. Bebz I know it hurts but try to stick it out." Louis stuck it out, for the rest of the trip he tried really hard to be okay. He fell though a lot. He didn't call Harry just texted, although he was dying to hear Harry's voice. When the last day of the trip came Louis closed his eyes and waited for the pain to come.
-/-/-
Louis trip was unexpected, at least to him. When he checked Louis calendar there it was, if he had paid attention to Louis maybe he could have been able to go with him. Harry didn't like life without Louis, actually he down right despised it. During the weeks he moved like he was in a trance and now it was the day before Louis got back and all he could feel was excitement. Harry couldn't wait for him to sashay around the condo, sing Shakira in the shower, sit in the big chair looking adorably small, hum to himself, be the small spoon to his big one, make fun of Harry's bad jokes, practically look small in Harry's clothes, glare at people checking Harry out making him look like an angry kitten, kissing Harry softly just to know he was there, and most of all he missed Louis's pink lips saying he loved him. He hurried around the apartment cleaning up, he got a good dinner idea and bought all the stuff to make it. Harry was so excited.
-/-/-
At 5:30 am Louis was tired and Harry was jumpy. He just got off the train where he was seated next to a waling baby. When he climbed into the bed as soon as he got home and Harry followed him, he didn't even have it in him to complain. Louis knew it was weak but sometimes he needed the warmth.
When he woke up he was snuggled into Harry's warmth and everything seemed perfect. Louis tried to sneak out when Harry muttered "Stay." and Louis couldn't say no. And they did, stay like that. At least for a bit. Around 12 they got out of bed. Louis instead of his usual sweats wore dark jeans and his knit sweater. He ate some Chinese leftovers when Harry came tumbling down the stairs like the hurricane he was. He grabbed a carton and kissed Louis messy fringe.
"I missed you." Harry murmured into Louis fringe.
"Same here." Louis said quietly. Like he was admitting a shameful secret. In a way he was, admitting a secret. Harry put down the carton and kissed Louis slow open mouthed kisses. It seemed right, easy, perfect. Until the doorbell rung. Harry kissed Louis's fringe again and went to get the door. It was Nick, he came holding wine. Oh right, Harry deserved someone good like Nick.
"Hey Harry, since your feeling shit I thought I might be good to get drunk and gossip, cheer you righ- oh hey Louis." Nicks voice ending in disappointment. Louis curled into himself, looking at the two of them, Nick looking great, with a fancy outfit, just the right size for Harry to kiss.
"Hey Nick, it's good to see you. I was just about to head out and reacquaint myself with London. I'll probably take an hour or so, don't worry about me getting in your hair." Louis put the food away, and pulling on his vans "Bye Harry, bye Nick. I'll see you in an hour or so." He let Nick in and was about to leave when Harry pulled him in for a hug. He gripped his sides trying to feel Harry there after he was out side.
An hour or so turned into 6 hours. Six hours of thinking of how good Nick and Harry would be, in a library a block away. Reacquaint with London Ha! No he'd reacquaint with sadness, before any thing like that happened.
-/-/-
Harry was annoyed, Louis and him were doing so well and then Nick just had to ruin it. Not that Nick meant to he was just trying to be a good friend. He was just mad at the situation, Louis had felt so uncomfortable around Nick that he left, okay so Harry was just a bit mad at Nick.
It was just so wrong when Nick sat in the seat Louis was just in, pulled out Chinese and ate, rambling on about Pink and white trash models. With Louis it was just warm and soft in the flat now it was cold and firm. Kind of empty, with Louis it felt like love. How long has it been since he said I Love you to Louis? About a month or so? That just wasn't right. Neither was Nick ruining their day together. Nothing seemed right lately.
Nick just kept on talking and Louis didn't come back and Harry had enough.
"Nick I'm planning a dinner with Louis tonight and It's getting late, I was wondering if we could continue this later." that was the nicest way Harry could say it. Nick looked startled for a second.
"You and Louis are still together?" Shock in Nicks voice. His face in between a scowl and a grimace. Like it pained him to think.
"Yeah he just was visiting a friend, why do you sound so confused?" Harry said a little bitter. As if he would break up with Louis. To think! Louis was perfect and who was Harry to dump that.
"You guys aren't really compatible, like he needs to be around you 24/7 or not at all and you like it mixed. He likes to be clingy, and your very chill about relationships. You like going out and being social he's and introvert. Gosh he isn't even your type, which isn't short, curvy, and more adorable than sexy, it's tall, well muscled and handsome! He doesn't know anything about what you do and your just as clueless about what he does! For god sakes he wears sweats in public! I thought you finally dumped him!" Nick said growing red with exasperation.
"No we are so compatible, I like being needed, I like having a reason to staying in, I prefer adorable to handsome in people, handsome to adorable in models, Louis was interning at a school that might hire him in August, I think his sweats are cute. I would never dump him! I love him Nick!" Harry said, if Nick said any of these things to Louis he would scream, then cry. Then probably strangle Nick. Louis should never have to feel bad.
"I guess I was wrong." Nick said softly.
"Yeah, you were." Harry retorted, "look lets talk at work tomorrow." Nick nodded and excused himself. As soon as he was gone Harry phoned Louis.
"Come back, please."
"I don't want to bother you and Nick."
"Nicks gone."
"Oh"
"Be here in an hour, I love you." and then he hung up and started on dinner.
-/-/-
Almost an hour had past since Harry called and Louis checked out a book he didn't plan on reading just looking at longingly. His 4th boyfriend bought it for him, it was called: Ten Ways to Lose Weight and Look Great Mens Edition. Matt broke up with him the week after he lost 30 pounds for their relationship. Louis had that problem a lot, with his weight. He would gain and lose depending on what might make him feel more loved. His 2nd boyfriend wanted Louis to look more like a girl; curvy and such. Jim broke up with him when Louis asked for Jim to recuperate in bed. It wasn't just with his weight he did it with everything. If someone liked someone better Louis would act like them. If Louis didn't love Harry as much as he did Louis would have been as close as a carbon copy as Nick as possible.
Zayn hated the little things Louis would change. Wincing when he saw them. When he figured out the weight thing Zayn forced him into a help center. He went to some therapy and he's better now. Well kind of. He still changes little things to make Harry happy, less so that Louis is content with what he did more so to make him happy. It still was there though. Maybe that's why he also checked out a book called: Mental Trust Falls: A Guide to Being More Sure of Yourself. On his way Louis nodded at the Librarian Ken; he was a nice uni student who he used to have a small crush on Ken. That crush ended quickly when Louis felt more sure of himself. Now they were just friends. Louis would talk to Ken for Kens case study and Ken would listen to Louis no judgment. It was an okay deal. If you left out the time Hunter Boyfriend number 7 and serial adulator called him a stalker freak. Louis was pretty sure Ken would have dated him just to get rid of the ass, only-platonic-realtionship and all.
When Louis told Ken about the proposal to Harry he was ecstatic. Ken loved Harry, well what Harry did to Louis. Ken called him "the harborer of the confidence you lost," which for Ken basically meant he wanted to tackle Harry to the floor and thank him repeatedly. Ken didn't react well to the news of the impending breakup.He told Louis he was a "bit of a fool" which for Ken meant "You a god damn dumbass". Maybe Louis is just projecting his opinion on Ken.
Still he waved back and Louis headed back to Harry's flat.
-/-/-
"Hey babe. I'm almost done with dinner." Harry said smiling at Louis. Who was putting his books down. Louis looked at the meal then fighting the urge to tell Harry he was feeling poorly, started setting the table. They had this system,Harry cooks, Louis sets the table. It was so much better than making and eating food alone. Louis hated that part if being single, the constant aloneness. Sure no one was holding him down but what does that matter when he is too affection deprived to actually go out.
When they sat at the table it was awkward. The flat had lost some of its former morning easyness. Harry watched Louis eat, trying to see whatever Nick saw, Louis fighting the urge to say that he wasn't hungry and leave. It just seemed so easy to slip back into his old habits. The room was so tense you could cut it with a knife.
It was Harry who broke the ice, "So I see what you mean, Nick can be a bit of a dick." what ever Louis thought Harry was going to say that wasn't it. Louis looked up so fast it wouldn't have been surprising if he got whiplash.
"What?" Harry studied how Louis bit his lip frowning a little. Louis sort of folded up in on himself, self conscious, because if Nick was a bit of a dick what was Louis?
"Yeah, he was being a prat earlier, he said some rude things about you." Louis tried so hard to disappear. Harry watched Louis squirm trying to make sense of this clusterfuck of a relationship. They were perfect, Louis got jealous, Harry left, Louis left, and now Louis was self conscious. Was Louis always this nervous about himself? Surely Harry would have noticed, he loves the man for gods sake.
"What did he say?" Louis's voice was almost a whisper. He knew what Harry said would be burned into his mind. He would always be self conscious about what Nick said, not because he cared about Nick , but because he would remember Harry saying it.
"It doesn't matter, I understand now. He's a dick, I got it."
"Tell me!" Louis slammed his hand down on the hand, dish rattling, you could see the primal fury in his eyes.
"Louis I don't think it wo-"
"God damn it Harry! I'll just assume the worst."
"He called you clingy. And Unsocial. And Unattractive. And said we weren't compatible. He thought that I had dumped you!"
'Louis your clingy. And unsociable. And Unattractive. We aren't even compatible. I should have dumped you!' Louis couldn't stop that from running through his head. Clingy, Unsociable, Unattractive. Add that to past; Fat, thin, energetic, annoying, boring, rude, ugly, controlling.... unlovable.
"He didn't lie Harry." Harry absolutely crumbled at that. Louis was the opposite of that, complete opposite. He seemed to be the sun, bright, always there, warming him at the edges of his body. Now Harry saw Louis was the moon, waxing and waning, hiding bits of himself, how much of him was showing was due to what ever was his sun and it seemed Louis's sun had been missing for awhi-
Shit. Shit. He was Louis sun. He made him bold and bright, and him. He would keep himself in one position his entire life if Louis would stay bright, human race be damned.
Louis fidgeted. Harry had this look of guilt pass his face, as if he thought those things. He probably did. Who was he kidding, Harry has always felt that way. Who wouldn't? Harry just stayed silent, Louis started to will himself to move, he didn't want Harry to see him so.... So not Him, he wasn't really him, he was just an impression, the solid bits disappearing as the illusion of Harry's love did.
"I hope you know that you are nothing that Nick made you feel." Harry's eyes had a cold look to them. He already blamed someone, Louis would have loved for Harry to fight for Louis, but he knew what would come after. Louis would still be an impression. Feeling like had Harry's love, lit this wick in him, this teeny tiny string, wrapped around in thick black wax almost unseeable,and that light made this stained glass window glow. Louis hated it, almost as much as Zayn did that he couldn't light that on his own. He hated that he was the one that opened the door and let wind make the flame disappear, Louis detested the fact that he could see the beautiful window in the dark but no one else could.
"Harry, Nick didn't make me feel anything. I am who and what I am." Louis saw the confusion flash through his face. Like a photograph no one bothered focus before it was taken.
"Louis you never were self conscious, you are confident." Doubt was laced in each word.
"That is a lie. I just forgot about it that's all." Louis forgot himself. The tattered steeple focusing on the windows. Thinking that Harry would want to live there regardless of the roofless, bare, uncleanliness of it all.
"There is nothing to remember, you’re perfect!" Harry's eyes burned. This intensity forcing Louis to acknowledge that Harry actually thought that. Louis looked down at the cold forgotten pasta and picked at it with his fork.
"Then why don't you want me?" Louis mumbled, Harry stared down at Louis's hunched form. He looked so tired, unhappy, dressed up in his nicer clothes, uncomfortable. Like he actually thought that Harry couldn't possibly want him.
"I've always wanted you. Jesus Lou, every time I try to start something you shut me down. You look so good even like this!" Louis seemed to shatter a little more at that.
"Like what?" Louis said not really wanting to know the answer. Fat. Thin. Pale. Etc. He'd probably heard it before. Harry froze, muscles tense. Louis just smiled at him sadly, not really perfect huh?
"Miserable." Louis froze at that. He didn't think Harry noticed.
"You can't blame me." Louis mumbled. Harry snapped up to look at Louis.
"What?" Harry's irritation seeping into his voice. He didn't do anything. Well, he blew off Louis for Nick that one time, and that other time, and that other time, and that oth- shit.
"I'm in love with a man who doesn't feel the same. Can you blame me." Harry's heart kind of stuttered for a second. How could he not love Louis? Louis was everything, yeah he wasn't around much but Louis still knew. He still said it. Harry started to have a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had said he'd be with Louis all those time and he wasn't...
"I love you so much, you’re everything, how could not know?" panic was in the edge of Harry's voice. Louis was suddenly angry really angry. Harry didn't even know.
"As soon as you didn't have to save me you left. You stopped being around. You stopped wanting to be around me, Harry. Then you stopped date nights. And going out. Preplanned events. For someone else. A someone else who hates me and practically humps you whenever he's around. Whom you like more than me! I thought if I ..." Louis tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, thinking about the ring down at Willems perfect for Harry.
"If you what?" Harry said, quietly. He felt terrible, he knew Nick was really nice to him and less so with Louis but ... For Louis to feel so backed into a corner that he left. Why would he even come back? Did he think... that Harry was stringing him along?
"I was going to propose the weekend you left." Louis admitted ashamed. His logic was it would draw Harry's attention back to him. Nick would fall from his mind. He remembered crying when Harry said he was leaving. He realized now Harry would have said no, Harry wasn't in love with him, Harry would have been smart enough to say no.
Harry felt dread sink into the depths of his stomach. Louis was going to propose to him. After weeks of ignore him Louis was going to propose. To get Harry's attention. It would have, of course. Harry would have been over joyed. They would have slipped into domestic bliss, Louis would have never mentioned that he thought Harry was slipping away from him. The fact that Harry took Louis to a club to make up for it.... Dread and nausea filled his being.
"You could have proposed after the weekend?" Harry offered weakly. Louis had that sad smile in his face again. Harry officially hated that smile.
"You told me 'If you love me let me go' and I realized it wasn't fair for you to be with me. Dragging you along. Handicapping you." Louis choked a little when he continued, "Keeping you from being happy with someone else. So I tried to speed up the inevitable break up. I got extra money so you wouldn't feel guilty; via the old job. I gave you a reason too; also through the job. Fuck, I set you up. Then I even left, gave you time to forget me. And now your staring at me like I'm crazy and all I want to do is touch you but I don't feel entitled, I just ca-" Louis got cut off by his sob. Harry was crying too. He went to hold Louis. Louis knew he should have fought him off. But he didn't, just sat there pliant in Harry's arms, sobbing in Harrys table, dinner forgotten. Harry held him while he picked him up and moved toward there bed. Harry felt, fuck, Harry felt. Terrible, fuck really terrible. He had pushed Louis to that. He could never forgive himself for that.
They stayed like that sobbing into each other, holding each other as if the world was broken and they were the only thing that could fix it. Their embrace intimate. Harry just kept muttering sweet things to Louis. Taking about how much he loved him, and how he would never ever want to be without him. Louis just cried, out of relief and pure emotion exhaustion.
-/-/-
In the morning Harry refused to be without contact with Louis, he showered Louis in all of the love he had. Vowing never to leave him. He sat there when Louis dissected himself and told him how wrong he was. How perfect he was. It stayed like that for a while. Harry only leaving for work, or when Louis begged.
Slowly Louis learned to be better, more confident, brighter. He got a job as a teacher finally putting his music major to work. He didn't need Ken to tell him what to do, he was Kens friend, he had friends. This girl from Harry's work; Eleanor, the art teacher at his school; Stan, and they liked him. Of course him and Zayn were still best mates but wow. He had finally got the balls to buy Harrys ring, which was still at Willems surprisingly.
Louis wouldn't have been able to do this without Harry. Harry, well Harry was better. He never cancelled there plans unless someone was dying. (woman next to him on the tube had a heart attack) He got a great job as editor in a small magazine. He made an effort to be super friendly with all of Louis friends, except for Eleanor, he still didn't like her. He was great, as long as Louis was still singing Shakira in shower, wearing his clothes, and was generally being Louis. If Louis shifted at all Harry would be all over the situation. And he had found the perfect ring for him but didn't know when to propose.
So he just slipped it on his finger and waited for Louis to notice. When he did there were tears, a return proposal from Louis to Harry and it was perfect. And no Harry and Louis totally did not over use the word fiancé around Eleanor or Nick. That is totally slander.
They are happy as happy could be. Not everything is perfect though. Louis still feels bad about himself sometimes, and Harry can be still oblivious, but they are so wondrously jovial it doesn't matter. And never will.