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“How was your day?”
“It was okay.”
“Really? Because you don’t look okay.”
Renjun never planned on lying about how his day went. In fact, that was the sole purpose for why he asked if Mark was available for a quick video chat session on a busy Wednesday night. To talk about his shitty day. His response was nothing more but a pre-programmed human tendency to give forth the best version of themselves when suddenly faced with such a dilly-dally question.
But now that he was caught with a lie, Renjun felt the need to keep up that false front. Maybe he should deny Mark’s (accurate) observation for as long as his heart could bear. Maybe he should give in to the desire of backing out from his true intention for the call and instead talk to Mark about any bottom-of-the-barrel nonsense he could conjure up. But in the end, the knowing stare that Mark gave him through the pixelated video call was all that Renjun needed to come clean. He plopped himself down onto his unmade bed and pouted, “is it so obvious?”
“Eyes are the window to the soul, and yours are literal ones.” Mark seemed to take a cue from Renjun’s behaviour, that this call would signify the start of a more leisurely part of their day, and began to move his laptop from his study desk and onto his bed. The video feed was nothing but blurry swirls of his navy blue duvet for the next fifteen seconds and Renjun had to mute his earphone until the excruciating sound of static subsided and Mark’s face was back on the center of his phone, “so? What’s up?”
“I don’t know.” Renjun wasn’t lying when he said it, even though the way Mark rolled his eyes showed that he was not buying even one second of his aloofness. He wasn’t lying. He really didn’t know why he was feeling this bad in an otherwise uneventful day.
“Is it Jeno again.”
Okay. Maybe Renjun knew what caused this feeling of having a hamsterball rattling and rolling at full speed inside his chest cavity. He just didn’t want to admit it.
Well, thankfully he didn’t have to. Mark only needed his silence to come to an accurate conclusion, “I still don’t understand how you can hate that boy.”
“I don’t hate him!” Renjun huffed and flopped to his back, refusing to see his phone screen because Mark wouldn’t stop looking at him with those insufferable smirk of his, “I’m just,-”
“You’re just jealous because he’s dating Jaemin?”
“No, I’m not!” Any further attempt that Renjun made to explain himself fell to deaf ears as Mark’d begun laughing. A giggle that evolved into an unbridled laughter so loud that if Mark was physically there, it would’ve resulted in Renjun strangling the life out of him. See if he’d rather choose laughing his ass off or having a hand strategically placed on his neck to block his windpipe. But because they were not physically together, separated by a whole continent and a half, in fact, Mark had it in him the bravery to keep on laughing even if Renjun’d begged him to, “stop it or I will stop feeding your darn goldfish.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Mark sniffed the stream of watery snot back into his nostrils as he wiped the buds of laughter-induced tears from the corners of his eyes, “you’re too cute, I can’t help it.”
Renjun stared back at Mark with an expression that he thought perfectly conveyed his feeling of bitter annoyance. But seeing that instead of being terrified, Mark seemed to be in the brink of cooing out his adoration, Renjun decided to drop his though act and be truthful for once. “You know what, I think you’re kindda right,” he mumbled, lips smushed against his bunched up pillow, “maybe i am a bit jealous of them.”
“It’s your own fault. I told you to stop being their third wheel since like… forever.”
“No, it’s your fault for going back to Canada.”
“Well, my major…-”
“Your major,- your oh so precious major,” without any warning or preamble, Renjun’s voice took a markedly venomous tone, as he cut Mark off with an ill-intentioned mockery before he went on to spout a rambling rant, “what’s wrong with going to universities here?! Mine’s good, Jaemin’s great. But no. You gotta go so far away just because you are not able to live in mediocrity.”
The silence that followed his outburst was imposing. Mark only stared at him with his eyes widened by shock, and Renjun, feeling slightly guilty for dumping his bad mood on his unsuspecting boyfriend, tried to elevate the atmosphere by apologising after he comically blowed out his nose into a crumpled up tissue paper. “I’m sorry.”
“You have to tell me what’s wrong.”
“I just miss you, that’s all.”
“What’s really wrong.”
He only shrugged at that, playing with the frayed edges of his ancient pillowcase to avoid having to face the overtly worried-looking Mark.
“Renjun… talk to me,” he sounded so concerned, and it was never Renjun’s intention to make him feel that way. This is why he hates calling up people to have a heart-to-heart talking session. He doesn’t want to burden anyone else with problems that aren’t even theirs to begin with.
Usually Renjun would be able to mute down his troubles by himself, solving it with drawn out arguments with himself in the showers. But it’s been a week since he has to struggle with this new brand of confusing, un-pinpoint-able frustration and just this once, he desperately wanted to share it with others and see if it’ll help. And Mark, he reasoned, was his best bet because hey. He has listened to so many of Mark’s bitchfests in the past. So, it is not too far of a stretch for him to seek his due payment, isn’t it?
“Will you listen?”
“Of course I will.”
“Then don’t say anything.” Renjun had to elaborate on his statement when it caused Mark to look at him as if he just spoke in Russian, “I mean, don’t… lecture me or judge me. You know... there’s a reason why I go to you this time and not to Jaemin.”
Mark let out a sharp, understanding laughter after he had his eureka moment, “oh, so that’s what I am? A silent version of Jaemin?”
The glare that Renjun gave him was scathing, but the little smile on his lips betrayed his true intention. Because he knew that Mark knew of what he really meant. Renjun was in no need of Jaemin’s no-nonsense attitude. He just wanted someone to listen, and god knows who’s better at that than Mark ‘I don’t want to give advice because I don’t want to get sued’ Lee.
(And also, because Jaemin was actually the main perpetrator of Renjun’s problem. But we’ll get to that later.)
Words didn’t come to him right away, even after he’d agreed with himself that he would start talking. Silence, that started as something comfortable and normal, quickly morphed into the awkward kind when Renjun still hasn’t talked even after the dust has settled down onto the earth, literally.
He only spoke when he saw that Mark’d begun squirming around in an effort to fight his need to always fill the room with sound, “I may have sometimes… actually, actively hate them.”
“Jaemin and Jeno?”
He nodded, letting his chewed up lips go from his teeth with a loud pop, “yep.”
“Hate is a strong word, you know.”
“I know,” Renjun finally gathered enough courage to look up and was instantly greeted with Mark’s confused eyes. As if he was challenging what Renjun just said with a silent ‘do you really?’ The answer to that is no. But words didn’t seem to want to get out of Renjun’s mouth in a clear and linear sense that evening, so he once again chewed on a dried patch on his lower lip before he went with the journey of his explanation.
“Have you seen how sweet they are? They’re so adorable, Mark, what they have is so beautiful I hate them,” Renjun went back to fixate on his fingers, the bitter nature of his words only coming to light with how his vocal tone would suddenly spike up to an annoyed semi-shout from his usual low mumble, “do you know that they are linked by their hands 24/7? Doesn’t matter where they are, doesn’t matter who they’re with. They don’t care.”
To Mark, it must’ve seem like Renjun was busy trying to clean the underside of his nails. It was just a front, though. A front to hide the truth. The truth that was his brain trying to trace and remember the last time he has Mark’s hand nicely nestled in his. It has been almost a year since then. “Don’t even get me started on the way they look at each other. Remember how disgusting they acted before they were a thing?”
Renjun caught Mark’s small grunt crackling from his earpieces and he couldn’t help but to let out a smile, “it’s getting worse. Way, way worse, if that’s even possible.”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Oh , you gotta,” now that the tone of their conversation was taking a more positive turn, Renjun decided to give Mark’s pixelated feed a short visit. Looking him in the eye and just imagining on how it would feel if all this talk were to happen in real life. It would translate to them sitting so closely that they could feel the warmth emanating from each others’ skin. “Just pray that they’re done with their honeymoon phase when you return this new year.”
Renjun had the entirety of Mark’s image on his palm, but there was nothing in it for him but his distorted laughter and the coldness of his phonecase. When everything dwindled back to a silence, Renjun continued, “I’m jealous of their bravery, that sort of… indifference to what others might think, I just,-“
He jumped a little bit on the spot where he was lying, like he caught himself just in the nick of saying something that he wasn’t planning to. But then he saw a little bit of Mark’s encouraging nod, and Renjun decided that he truly has nothing to lose in telling Mark the truth. Nothing at all.
“I look at them and I look at us, with me here and you there and… I want that. I want what they have. Is that wrong?” Renjun didn’t know what he wanted to hear from Mark in response to his truth bomb. A scold because how old was he even? Five? What’s with the sudden childish jealousy and bitterness? Or was he hoping that Mark would understand? A long distance relationship isn’t an easy thing to do, and it is exponentially harder when your best friend is constantly being all lovey dovey with his boyfriend without caring that their PDA would cause a potent heartache to the one, poor, lonely guy in their group.
“No, I think that’s perfectly natural.” Renjun would’ve lied if he said that Mark’s warm smile and understanding words failed to bring a small glimmer of peace into his aching heart.
“Aw, look at you, finally being all mature and stuff.”
Mark didn’t even try to hide the long, relieved sigh he let out after he heard Renjun’s lighthearted tease. It was as if he decided that as he thought the problem was solved, then everything can, and would, go back to normal.
Renjun quickly proved him wrong on all accounts. Because the problem was not yet solved, that little exchange that they just did wasn’t even the main thing that weighed down on Renjun’s mind, and so no. They were not heading for normal. On the contrary, they actually just boarded on a train heading straight to whatever the opposite of normal was. Chaos. Distress. All the pain that made the cocktail of emotion that riddled Renjun’s voice the next time he spoke.
“I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but… I promised my mom that I would never hide my partner, well,- my girlfriend, from her, that she’ll be the first one to know once I get one. And so all this time, I’ve been doing nothing but lie to her, essentially.” Renjun saw that Mark was petrified on his spot, a phantom of a smile hanging on his lips, like he was in the middle of thinking to himself, ‘is this really happening?’ Dear oh dear, it was really happening. And Renjun didn’t give him any moment to re-orient himself to the much heavier conversational tone and trudged on with his unstoppable outburst, “that’s not an exaggeration. I do want to share everything with her, however cheesy and silly that might sound. And the fact that I’ve been hiding this… happiness, I’ve been hiding you from her is way more painful than when I only had to hide a tiny secret of my own self.
“You remember how nice Jaemin’s parents are, right? God, this… this is what I’ve been wanting to tell you,- I give zero shit about what he’s doing with Jeno but his parents. Mark, him and his parents? I’m jealous of that.”
His breath was hitched from how intense he’s been going about his words. And he could only see, through the blur that was the tears that’d somehow made it to the edges of his eyes, the way Mark stared at him. All silenced and nervous while he sucked on the pad of his thumb.
“I want that, I want that. He’s been telling me of how he tells his mom about all the things he’s done with Jeno and the plans that they have, all the lunch dates and the silly little things and… and I’m so fucking jealous it physically hurt. I just want that! Just that… I want to be able to tell mom about how much I’m missing you and have her comfort me and tell me that it’s going to be okay, and tell her about how and why I fell for you in the first place, I want to brag to my dad about what you’re studying and what Uni you go to,- I don’t ask for much, just that.”
Renjun let himself, for a split second, imagine how this conversation would’ve gone differently if Mark was physically there with him. Only a call away and they could find themselves lying beside each other on his sunken, nearly two decades old bed. Then, maybe he would be able to quell all this spilling emotion. Maybe, said emotion wouldn’t even have to reach a boiling point and he could still rely on the strategies and safety precautions that’d been working fine up to this point of his life.
“I just realised that I’ve been lying to someone who’s known me longer than I’ve known myself. But I also don’t want to tell her the truth,- I can’t tell her the truth. And it’s eating a hole in me.”
But reality hit him like a strong wind on a winter night and he found himself sitting there all on his own in his bedroom, in his empty house, staring and wanting and longing and having his heart broken yet again when Renjun saw that the truth brought nothing out of Mark but an expression of light discomfort.
“I’m so lost, Mark.”
Renjun knew that in the start of all this he asked Mark to not interject him with any unsolicited comments, and so he only had himself to blame for his uncharacteristic silence. But he still stupidly, selfishly hoped that Mark would say something to console him. Anything, anything at all would be preferable than that look of silent judgment he was giving him.
“I’ve never felt so lonely.”
Renjun has bared all his heart and soul in order to tell this truth that no one, not even himself, has heard before and so why did it feel as if everything was all done in vain? The dull ache still thrummed inside his chest and he felt even more suffocated than before when it seemed that his tongue had swollen to three times of its original size and completely blocked his windpipe.
The last thing he saw before he terminated their video call was realisation dawning on Mark’s face. Realisation, which turned to panic, which turned to fear. The start of a ‘wait,’ escaped from his earphones but it was all but too late. Because by then Renjun’d permanently closed the app and uncaringly threw his phone to the far side of his bed.
_
The only good thing that came out of his useless heart to heart talk with Mark was how it allowed him to break down his ‘strongman’ front and cry his heart out.
Ugly, hysterical sobs, and a few high pitched, mouse-like whines peppered here and there, that went on, non-stop, for almost a good, solid five minutes. A little bit of consciousness only seeped back to his mind when he realised that the only thing stopping his neighbours from filling in a complaint to his parents (and also the only thing that might cause him to accidentally suffocate himself to death) was his soggy pillow that was plastered tightly across his face.
And so Renjun discarded said pillow, hearing the soft thud it made when it hit his thin bedroom wall before falling unceremoniously onto his carpeted floor.
He spent a minute staring at the ceiling and appreciating the fresh wave of cool air that instantly caressed his heated cheeks. Mind empty, eyes unblinking, and breath that came to him in sharp hiccups.
And then he wasted another two pulling himself up to a seating position, appreciating how gravity pulled all his snot down and cleared up his nose.
With oxygen, came thought. And with thought, came shame. Renjun used the bottom of his t-shirt to roughly wipe the teary mess from his cheeks, tugging the dry fabric on the bottom of his eyes and dragging them down as he let out a long groan to accompany such careless display of facial care. Tears were still welling and spilling over his eyelids, but at least now they could fall onto a clean slate once more.
“What a mess,” he mumbled to himself, his empty stares boring holes on the opposite wall, only blinking when darkness encroached the periphery of his vision and everything around him was enveloped with a dizzying multicolored neon haze, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
He really shouldn’t. He really really shouldn’t. Now that he did, Renjun quickly decided that if ever given a similar choice in the future, he would’ve easily, without any hesitation, choose silence. He’d rather simmer inside his own guilt and angst than baring it all to someone and got nothing out of it but being judged to the last inch of his life.
‘Did he, though?’
He did. Mark did judge him for his childish showcase of pettiness and that’s all that Renjun wanted to hear about it at that moment. Because the other option is admitting that he’d somehow managed to single handedly kick his own bum up the list of ‘the most childish people in this world’. Cosily snuggling up on the spot between narcissists and name callers.
Okay. To be fair, sitting there on his bed and finally acknowledging the faint vibrations of his phone that travelled through the soft surface of his bed, Renjun finally had to face the painful, suffocating feeling that haunted his lungs and admit that maybe, just maybe, what he did was slightly impulsive and overall shitty. Not giving Mark the chance to discern the bombardment of information and expecting to get something that never was supposed to be served on the menu was probably something stupid at best, and relationship-ending at worst.
So what should he do next?
(If your answer is for him to check on his phone and give Mark his due apology, then congratulation, you qualify to be a mature and stable-minded adult. But if your answer is for him to walk out the room and try to calm himself down by basking in the last rays of an afternoon sun, then congratulation, you’re a human being.)
Renjun did just that. He walked, more like dragged himself, to the small balcony and draped his upper body against the metal railing, looking exactly like the line of semi-dried laundries that hung on the clothesline just slightly to his left.
His fingers dangling in the afternoon air, Renjun did nothing but observe the major road that ran right underneath his apartment block. Little tiny humans riding little tiny cars doing their little tiny obligations. It was only five past ten but the road was already starting to fill up with people that managed to escape their workplaces a little bit early. Renjun then wondered, for those who were driving past his tower, he must’ve looked so tiny. Hell, with how fast they were driving, they might not even be able to see him standing all the way up there on the twentieth floor. Just a speck of dust. Nothing more but a phantom sighting.
At that moment, he was nothing but a presence that went unknown by everyone else in this world. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Just a single quark compared to everything that has existed before him and everything that will keep on existing long after he’s gone.
For some, having said revelation might bring about feeling of fear, or inadequacy, or hopelessness. But for some, it gave them freedom. In some ways losing all cares and anxieties because who cares? Nobody cares so why should you?
And Renjun could proudly categorise himself as those who felt the latter.
He realised that he shouldn’t be ashamed, ever, of his emotions. Or to be reluctant in showing more of himself to those that he cared about. Because he’s just that. A tiny, fleeting moment in the history of the world so what’s the big deal if he felt a little bit jealous of his best friend’s relationship (be it with his parents or his partner)? What’s the big deal for asking Mark to step in to his realm and ask him, for once, to take up his goggles and look at the world on his terms? And what’s the big deal with him admitting to himself, the fact that he doesn’t have the ability to perfectly regulate his inner thoughts and desires? He ain't no saint, and he should start getting himself used to that.
It’s okay. He did a blunder, yes. He felt something that caused him to feel a deep shame, yes. But do they matter? Will this cause him to be, as earlier believed by his grief-stricken mind, left alone for being childish and immature?
No. No it will not.
He has forgiven so many people who treated him in a much more awful way than holding a secret jealousy on a friend. So what’s stopping him from allowing himself the thought of being forgiven for this tiny mishap that he just did? Nothing.
Pushing himself away from the railing, Renjun wiped the residual moisture from his cheeks with the sleeves of his jacket, more carefully this time, before walking back inside. Wishing the orange sky one last thank you before he turned on the living room light and pulled the curtains shut.
_ _ _
“PICK UP MARK’S CALL!”
Renjun went back to fish his phone out from underneath his messy lump of a duvet, only to be greeted with a frighteningly long list of missed calls and texts that ranged from sounding worried to sounding certifiably furious.
(Later that night, he counted it all and came up with a final tally of 20 missed calls from Mark and 7 from Jaemin.)
5 seconds haven’t even passed completely since he got his hand on his heated phone before it began buzzing once more.
By a phone call from Jaemin.
“Hey, I’m sorry,-”
“WHY AREN’T YOU PICKING UP YOUR PHONE?!”
Shocked by the sudden loud screech, Renjun’s instincts took over his desire to approach this call in an amicable manner and answered Jaemin with an equally loud scream.
“I WAS HELPING MY MOM WITH THE GROCERIES.”
“Lies.”
“What,- how could you know that. Do you have hidden cameras stuck inside my house, you sicko.”
“No, chicken feet. Your nose is blocked,” as if he knew that Renjun would be taken aback by his frontal plan of attack, Jaemin gave him five seconds of grace period before continuing on with a tone much softer than before, “you were crying, didn’t you?”
“And what if I did?”
He was praying, so hard, that Mark didn’t betray him and spill all of his dirty secret to the main enforcer of his teenage angst. But taking from what he said next, and how he said it, Renjun knew that he didn’t know. And also, that Jaemin wasn’t hiding anything, if, in the slimmest chance, he did know.
“You know what he told me? Please make sure Renjun is not doing anything stupid.”
“I’m not,-”
“Are you doing anything stupid?”
“I’m not!”
“Look, ok, I have no idea what’s happening between you and Mark but he sounds so worried and you know who gets the short end of the stick if Mark’s worried and he can’t find you?! Me!”
The heavy silence that came when Jaemin took a long inhale after giving out his diatribe was quickly broken with the sound of a stifled giggle.
He always knew how to make Renjun laugh, even though maybe it was never his intention to do so. The same also applies for his ways of knowing how to make Renjun feel better, done using the same breath as whatever honest jab Jaemin hurled at his face.
“I’m sorry…?”
“Sorry won’t cut it.”
Renjun let out a louder laugh when he heard that, a relieved giggle as he let himself fall and flop on his bed. Feeling over the moon when he knew that whatever jealousy he has will never, ever eclipse their bond and be a deal breaker to their friendship. Normal, normal. It’s something normal that everyone feels and that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t nurture it, it’ll never grow. And as long as he doesn’t repress it, it’ll never rebel.
“Let’s have dinner tomorrow? I’ll tell you guys what happened.”
“Deal.” Renjun could hear a smile seeping into Jaemin’s words and it too brought a smile on his face, though it was cut short when Jaemin once again let out a yell that pierced right through his eardrum, “call Mark! NOW!”
_
He did call Mark.
Only, he did it ten minutes after Jaemin hung up on him.
(Hey, a kid needs his cup of tea after dealing with any emotionally taxing social encounter, ok?)
Understandably, the first thing that greeted him was another distorted yell.
“NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!”
This time, Renjun didn’t have the gall to scream back and so only silently waited, curled up underneath his blanket and biting down on his nails until Mark was done screaming out his fear, worry, and anger.
“Never do that to me again! Please, Renjun. God!” After taking a peek at the dim scenery behind Mark’s distressed face and the faint sound of his shoes grinding against the gravel, Renjun deduced that in the time between their last call and this, Mark had escaped to the small park near his dormitory. It instantly caused Renjun to feel even worse than he already did. Mark only ever go there if he’s feeling especially stressed. “With what we have right now, with… where we currently are, I can’t just drop everything to check up on you. I mean I want to, but I can’t. You know I can’t.
“And I’m so sorry for not being a good people person. I’m not you, ok? I can’t just look at someone’s face and guess what they’re thinking. I’m not, ok? I can’t read you. If you don’t tell me what it is you’re feeling, or what’s bothering you, I won’t be able to know. How can I, if you don’t tell me what it is that you want?
“And even if you did, I might not be able to tell you what you want to hear, right away.” He kept on walking around in circles, an awkward crook on his lips showing a weird cross between a grimace and a grin, as if he was feeling physical discomfort from spouting out the words that he was saying. “Please be patient with me.”
Mark suddenly stopped both his rambling speech and his movement before finally taking a seat on the wooden bench by the bike trail, huffing out the rest of his worry in one long sigh when their gaze finally aligned, “please,-”
“I’m sorry.”
His mumblish apology came out distorted. Not because of poor cell reception, but because Renjun was unwilling to take his thumb from being trapped between his teeth, as he was afraid that Mark would see how much his lips were trembling. How much he was trying not to cry, again.
“I won’t do it again. Promise.”
Mark laughed then. A tired, relieved laugh that seemed to convey his thought that said, ‘I’m a fool. He’s a fool.’
Everyone’s a fool.
Renjun waited for a few beats before he spoke, only after he was sure that Mark was done spouting out his well deserved scold, “I’m going to meet up with them tomorrow.” He had to give Mark a reassuring nod when he saw the start of a sceptical frown forming on his forehead. “That’s okay. I’m going to try and tell him what I feel.”
“Hey you never know, maybe his parents will adopt you.”
“Maybe they’re willing to be my godparents.”
When their collective laughter came to a stop, everything felt, at the very least, back to normal. Renjun could still sense a little bit of shock left behind in Mark’s system, from how he would compulsively run his fingers through his hair and tug on his earlobes so hard they took the colour of a bright cherry tomato. There was also still of the sour pool of shame collecting at the base of his stomach.
But when Mark smiled at him, when he saw that there was nothing hidden behind his warmth, Renjun could take comfort in the fact that at least Mark wouldn’t have to fall asleep with an unsolved problem.
“When I’m home this December, we have to go out for dinner,-”
“I don’t think you have to promise me a dinner,-”
“With my parents.”
The revelation happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that Renjun, once again, was reduced to only being able to look at their video call window in silence. The only thing that changed on his side was the blush slowly creeping up from the base of his neck, covering his face in a veil of pink in record time.
“Would you like that?” Between him dropping the news and his offer, there was an obvious change in Mark’s smile. From something truly innocent, to one that reeked of mischief.
Renjun wanted to say, ‘see, you’re not that bad of a people reader,’ but he was too busy being delighted with the prospect, too preoccupied with the wonderful images of such an occasion that were quickly filling his head, to give Mark anything other than an enthusiastic nod.
They have the whole world in their hands and the only thing they need to do to access it is through speaking up.
“Yes, I would like that very much.”