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The choices that make us
How can doing the right thing, go so wrong?
“You’ve done some really stupid fucking things Prongs, but this, this may just be the stupidest. What the fuck do you think this will do, huh? You’ll hug it out, be friends? NO! It’s just going to make things worse for all of us. He was a greasy slimeball all seven years and you think a talking to from you is going to change that? You really did take a bludger to the head too many +times.” Sirius lectured James.
“No, I don’t think it will change the past, but it does give us a chance to change our future. Si, we have a week left and then we’re gone. Hogwarts won’t be home anymore. Do I want to leave here with this past hanging over the new life we’re about to start? No, I don’t.” James answered.
“THIS PAST?!” Roared Sirius. “You mean all the shit things he’s done in the last seven years, just wiped clean? And for what?! A nice memory to go home with!”
“You did try to get me to kill him, Pads… We have had our hand in this too.” Remus reminded Sirius from across the room. “But, he’s right you know James, this isn’t going to change anything.”
“Well, I have to try. She’s miserable, I can tell this is bothering her.” James admitted.
“OH SO HERE WE FUCKING GO, listen, you know we all love Lily, almost as much as you love Lily, but to go crawling to Snivelus, begging for forgiveness...that’s your way to show it?! Have you even ASKED HER if this is what she wants?” Demanded Sirius.
“No, I don’t have to ask. All I have to do is try to make her happy. If getting Snape and I to put it behind us is what it takes, it’s what it takes.” Replied James with a shrug of his shoulder.
“Listen James,” Remus started as he got up from his chair and came to stand besides his friend “This goes deeper than him calling her a mudblood, you know that right? You’ve seen who he is always with, you know what that means for him after school ends. He’s not some guy who just got his heart broken and said the wrong things. He’s out there doing the wrong things. That third year Hufflepuff next to you in the infirmary after the last Quidditch match...did you see his chest? That wasn’t an accident, that was Sectumsempra. We’ve seen it before and this time it wasn’t just aimed at Pads arm. Iit was a real attempt to hurt someone.”
“Scar still hurts by the way, not that you’d care though James”
Shit, Sirius was angry, really angry. He never called me James unless he was… and they had a good point, but still, he knew what he had to do.
“I do care Pads, I care about what’s been done. I care about how you feel. But, I also care about what’s going on out there. Don’t pretend like you don’t care too. I’ve seen you studying and you never study. I know, just as much as you do, that as soon as we get out of here, we’re going to find the order and we’re going to fight. Wouldn’t it be nice to know there was one less target on our backs, maybe, just maybe, one less person trying to kill us?!” Said James, nearly yelling now.
Sirius stepped towards James, hands clenched. “You know damn well I know what’s going on out there and you know DAMN WELL THAT I’M GONNA FIGHT. If you honestly believe anything you can say to Snape will change what side he fights for, what he believes in or what he’ll do to get it, then you're stupider than Wormtail.”
“Shit…” Sirius hadn’t noticed Peter enter the room. “I didn’t mean… Pete... I don’t think your stupid”
Peter just walked past to his bed and sat. Honestly, he was used to it at this point. Sirius was always making jokes at his expense, Remus, well, Remus was nice, but it was usually him and Sirius. James used to be the one he could depend on, but now that Lily was here, it was like she had taken his spot in the group. James wasn’t outright mean now, but like Sirius, he often made him the punchline. When he had joined the group years ago, this wasn’t at all how he thought his time here would be, but I guess it’s better than being alone, he thought to himself.
“That was uncalled for Si, but, you know what, that’s part of your problem. You NEVER think. You don’t think about what you say, you don’t think about other people, AND you don’t think about the consequences of your actions! Forget Snape for a second. Do you understand what would have happened to REMUS if I hadn’t stopped Snape from going to the Willow that night?! You need to get some control over yourself, it’s not just you that you’re going to end up getting hurt one of these days.” James, rubbed his temples. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with his best friend. “Pads, the real world, the world outside these walls, the world we are going to be a part of in just a few days? There’s enough hate in it without us piling more on. It’s not the type of world I want to raise my kids in.”
“KIDS?! Seriously, if you think any of us are going to make it to having kids, you’re the one that needs to stop and think before their actions. And HOW DARE YOU!? Do you think I would do anything that would hurt Mooney!? He’s been as much of a brother to me as you are! I’d DIE before I hurt him. Ya know what? Do whatever the fuck you want James. Like you said, only a few more days and then it’s not home anymore. Guess I should go figure out where home will be.” Sirius argued, and with one last look at Mooney, he slammed the door behind him.
“What in the hell did I even do? Am I really the arsehole in this?” James asked bewildered.
“Prongs, have you honestly not thought about how Sirius must be feeling lately?! It’s been you and him for years, now it’s you and Lily. He always had Hogwarts. He knew, come summer, he’d have you to go home with. Don’t you think he just may be questioning where he is supposed to go now? And, on top of all that, here you are asking him to just accept Snape as no longer an enemy. He feels like he’s being replaced. He’s already lost one brother, now he’s scared he’s losing another.” Remus said sadly. “Don’t you think we all may be a little bit scared about what’s to come next? We know the horrors that are outside these walls and we know we can’t sit idly by and hope for the best. You know him as well as I do, maybe better. He’s not scared of much, that’s why he’s so willing to fight. The only thing that scares him is losing us and now he feels like he is.”
“He knows I would never leave him behind, shit, even Lily knows that Pads and I are a package deal. You are too Mooney. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You guys are my family.”
“Have you tried telling him that?” Remus asked, “Like you said, Pads operates off of emotion, and right now that emotion is hurt. He’ll go lick his wounds and eventually be back, but you will need to be the one to bridge the gap that he’s feeling.”
“I know, and I will. Damn stubborn Dog,” James laughed. “But Mooney, I was serious about needing to talk to Snape. I know a lot has been said and done, but I have to try.”
“Why? Why after all of these years is this so important to you?” Questioned Remus.
“I’m gonna ask her to marry me, right after school lets out. I’m gonna ask her and I have to make sure I’ve done all I can to make the wrongs in her life right.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised. You’ve been asking Lily to marry you since third year” Remus laughed “Let’s just hope this time she says yes instead of hexing you. But, I want you to promise me something...don’t go alone. Bring one of us with you, probably not Sirius, when you talk to Snape. Just because you want to make things right, doesn’t mean he will.” Remus sighed. “I should go find Pads before he gets himself in any trouble.” Remus, stopping at the door to the boys' dorm room turned, “I mean it James, don’t go alone. There’s been rumours, and they’re not pleasant.”
“Well” James said, turning towards the boy on the bed, “Up for a trip?”
“Me?! Why would you want me to go with you?” Peter asked, surprised that James had even remembered he was there.
“You heard what Remus said, I can’t go alone and I don’t see anyone else here.” James laughed, looking around. “Looks like it’s you and me Worms, that is, unless you’re scared.”
“Scared? Of Snivelus? Let’s go!” Peter said as he got off his bed. He hoped that his face could hide the emotion in his heart. Once again, here he was, a last resort.
As the duo headed out into the castle, Peter stewed. He knew, that even after seven years, he wasn’t really part of the plan. It wasn’t hard to figure it out, James nor Remus had even mentioned him in their little speech about family. He thought being a Marauder would make him popular, but that seemed to be reserved for James and Sirius. Even Remus, who should very well be the outcast, had more friends than he did. He was tired of it. He knew that once the year ended, even if he joined the Order, the little bit of power and popularity he had would be gone. He wasn’t good at anything, he knew that. He didn’t have the charm that Sirius did, or the confidence of James, or the talent of Remus. He was ordinary, worse, he was less than ordinary. His father had told him his entire life, what a waste of magic he was. Honestly, until he actually got his letter, he’d been convinced he’d be spending his life as little better than a squib. But then he met the friends he thought would make him something, someone better, but all he had been was an extra wheel. So lost in his dark thoughts, he didn’t realize they had found Snape until he heard him speak.
“Potter, how nice of you to take your pet for a walk this fine evening” Snape sneered, catching the look on Peters face. Interesting, he thought.
“Hello, Severus. I actually came to find you. I’d like to talk to you. No tricks. Just a talk.” James replied calmly, Peter and Snape both noticing no mention of the pet remark. Typical, Peter thought to himself.
“I have nothing to say to you Potter,” Severus replied, paying more attention to the dark thoughts running through the shorter boys mind than anything James was saying… until…
“It’s about Lily” James began, knowing that would get his attention, he wasn’t comfortable with the way Severus was looking at Peter.
“What about her? Come to tell me to leave her alone again? Tell me I was never worth the breath it took from her to speak to me?” Severus sneered. “Save it, there’s not…
“I’m here to say, I’m sorry,” James spoke softly, noticing the flicker of shock on Snapes face before he regained his composure.
“Sorry...SORRY?! Your sorry means nothing to me. YOU mean nothing to me!” Severus spat through clenched teeth.
“No, but Lily does… or at least she used to.” Argued James.
“You do NOT get to speak her name to me. Do you understand? After everything you have done…”
“I didn’t call her a mudblood. I didn’t throw myself into the dark, aligning myself with people who want her kind wiped out. You did all that yourself.” James snarled, before catching himself. “Listen, neither of us have ever been perfect, and honestly, if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t even be trying to have this conversation with you. But she was your friend, at least at one point.”
“Why do you even care, Potter? Did she send you?”
James paused, determined not to let the edge of hope in Snape's voice derail him.
“No, she doesn’t know. And as to why I care? Because I care about her. I care that what you have turned into makes her sad. I care she wishes things would have been different for you. I care because I love her, and loving her has made me a better person. That was always the difference between you and me. I wanted to be the man she deserved, not make her into the woman I wished she was.”
“Man? You are now and have always been nothing more than a cocky boy who had the world handed to him. It’s easy to stand there and talk to me about love, when her love was just another thing that has been handed to you on a silver platter. You don’t deserve her, and some apology is not going to change that.” Severus retorted, taking a step closer to James.
James, standing his ground, looked Snape in the eyes “The only one who delivered her to me on a platter was you. You and your dark magic and your blood purists friends. I didn’t take her from you, you gave her no choice in the matter between you and me. You lost her all yourself. I was just lucky enough to be the one she chose to love. And like it or not, she does, she loves me.” and with that, James turned and walked away, not caring if Peter was behind him or not.
This had not gone at all the way he had hoped. He knew he wasn’t going to walk away friends, but he was disappointed in himself that he had let Snape lead him into even more hatred. Sirius was right, this was a mistake. Heading back towards the common room, he was glad to see Remus and Sirius.
“Pads, you were right, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you and I’m sorry I just assumed we were always going to be on the same page. You know as soon as school is over, where I go, you go...unless you’d rather not.”
“Merlin, you really are daft. Of course I go where you go. You think I’m going to miss out on watching you absolutely drive Lily up the wall and seeing all the new hexes she comes up with? Spitfire, that one is. I think I like her more than I like you at this point.” Sirius laughed, but James could see the weight lift from his shoulders. Glad to have fixed at least one issue this evening, James turned to head towards the dorms before Remus stopped him.
“I thought you weren’t going to go alone”
“I wasn’t alone, Worms is with me,” James turned to point towards Peter, noticing for the first time that Peter hadn’t followed him. “Well, he was… probably snuck down to the kitchens for a bite.”
Peter was used to being ignored, he had basically perfected it in the last few years. So he wasn’t surprised that Snape hadn’t noticed him trailing him. Peter couldn’t help but watch the way people instinctively moved out of Snape's way. The way students, even other Slytherins, moved aside half out of respect and half out of fear. For the first time in seven years, Peter was angry at the stupid sorting hat. He never felt much like a Gryffindor and now, seeing the way Snape commanded power and fear, he knew he would have gone so much further as a Slytherin. Just another of life's many disappointments, Peter thought bitterly.
Severus, still angry at Potters once again interference in his life, stormed down towards the dungeons, but slowed when he noticed he was being followed. Regaining his speed as to not let on that he knew, he tuned in on Peters mind. It wasn’t difficult at all, he was practically seeping bitterness. Well, that’s interesting, Severus thought. Peter was a hatstall. He’d always wondered what qualities the hat saw in the mousey boy to put him in Gryffindor, but knowing he could have been a Slytherin, that made sense. Peter craved power, well, powerful friends. He could never have handled the power on his own, but to be on the inside of a powerful group, Peter would do nearly anything. This was turning out to be a very entertaining turn of events. He always knew that Potter was going to be first on his list, that the first opportunity he would get, he would take it. Despite what he had said, James had taken everything from him and for that, he would make him pay. If it wasn’t for nearly perfect Potter, Severus sneered, Lily would never have turned her back on him. He would have made her understand why life was better the way he was living it. But no, Potter had ruined it all and now he knew how he would ruin Potter once and for all... Little did Potter know, he had given Severus exactly what he didn’t even know he needed. Peter.