Archive of Our Own

Jeju Island, June 2018

Even though he was quite used to stand by that same place at the beggining of the summer, Taeyong still felt a nostalgic vibe taking over his senses every time he set foot by the 3^rd gate of the airport. It was always like nothing had changed, like he was there for the first time, watching the same old hunchback lady nudge the baggage too heavy for her, the hairy lost kid crying over losing his mother and the securities with guns and truncheons looking for everyone without actually seeing them all.

He let a sigh escape his lips. Taeyong felt quite alright with routines and he was pleased that, at least, his vacation hadn’t changed in anything. He was pleased that the weather was still the same – that hot humid puff of air, blowing constantly, like sleeping with someone who sleeps with an open mouth was still Jeju’s registered mark. His eyes wandered, to the heavenly blue infinity just above his dark blonde strands, not a single conglomerate of vaporized water clouding the weather, the sun shining brightly imposing and that fresh breeze blowing from south to north.

It was summer, finally. And as always, it started with Taeyong climbing up on his old red Chevrolet pickup, that same lame Coldplay song jamming on his radio, his soft hums filling the air as Taeyong took a moment to let it all sink. He was an emotional guy, this was an emotional moment and he needed just some time just quietly gazing at the streets as they passed by like shadows before sundown, hurriedly disappearing as Taeil advanced on every red light.

“Dude, you’re gonna get yourself a ticket if you keep driving like that.” Taeyong mockingly grumbled, finally setting foot on reality. “This is if you don’t kill us first.”

Taeil’s eyebrow lifted higher than a gazelle’s cry and quickly glared over his sunglasses for the boy on his passenger’s sit, as he changed the gears, allowing his old friend to move faster. Taeyong held on the safety strap, his eyes going wild with the sudden gain in velocity.

“Are you afraid to die, Lee Taeyong?” He asked, then, removing his hands of the steering wheel. He knew they would be okay, they were driving on a slightly straight road and Taeil was a good driver, but it was fun to see Taeyong’s frazzled eyes.

Taeyong shoved Taeil’s shoulder, nonetheless he knew the situation was under control and trusted his friend enough, he was still a chicken. Taeil guffawed, showing his blue tongue – a direct effect of the coloring lollipop he adored so much, and held on the steering wheel again, turning right before the road met the sea.

Taeyong always loved the sea from Jeju. It was blueish and green sometimes, almost inviting you for a deep sea dive on its freezing water, bashing against the basalt ceaselessly in moments of boldness and restraining back when the tide was low. It was infinite, hiding a whole world of new beings and life under the refraction of the colored water, always reminding him that he was nothing in the complex twists and turns of human existence. It always kept him humble.

The other boy, driving that smelly old car, was guilty of keeping him humble too. He looked at him, his dark brown-almost black strands, chapped pink lips still humming the pop songs he loved so much and cat-like eyes hiding behind the sunglasses were a must have items for his summers to be complete. Taeyong liked to think he was kinda important for his whole life to be complete, tho.

“Are you gonna come to The Bay later?” He asked, unexpectedly, just when Chris Martin reached the climax in Viva La Vida. That was definitely his favorite song. “My shift is only over by –

“By six, I know.” Taeyong cut in quickly, rolling his eyes almost to the back of skull, which made Taeil snicker. “I thought we were already going there?”

“You should rest, don’t you think?” Taeil pulled the gear to neutral once they were standing in the entrance of Taeyong’s summer house. The latter pulled the park break, twisting the keys and turning the Chevrolet off. “Flights can be exhausting.”

“It’s one hour from Seoul to Jeju, Taeil.” Taeyong shook his head, grinning knowingly. “But since you came all the way here, I will appreciate your effort and rest.”

Taeil nodded, smiling as he watched Taeyong climbing down from the truck with his backpack on. They never said goodbye, this word was banned from their vocabulary in the summer of ‘05 when Taeyong cried for a whole day after thinking his new friend was gone forever, and since then it was just “see you soon” for both of them. Taeyong used to take things too seriously, crying around because he couldn’t understand when people were being ironic or just mean to him. “I can’t read minds, Moon. You have to be straight with me”, he used to say.

The dark blonde one waved, eyes half moon shaped in a smile that said “I’m home” and twisted on his heels, eyes glaring at the house beared with memories from the past summers as he walked lithe steps inside the ground. Taeil analyzed his back, sharp bones tugging on the black shorts and appearing on the pulses as he carried his stuff inside, and he was happy.

Taeil always had a smile when Taeyong was around and summer was definitely the best period of the year. Despite they never really did anything outstanding, they just enjoyed each other’s company to the point where they could just stay silent, enjoying solitude, lonely but not alone, and it wouldn’t be awkward. They would just sit on the beach, too scared of infinity to actually diving on the sea, just observing the birds and the plants and listening to the symphony of waves crashing against rocks. They would just hang around The Bay, the only record store left on Jeju, where Taeil worked as a part-time job, listening to some weird music and chatting through the evening when no one was around, making stupid questions about guitars and pianos and Justin Bieber’s albuns.

He started the engines of the Chevrolet and drove away, that warm feeling heating his chest, excitement making him drum his fingers against the steering wheel. That would be the best of the summers.

♡

One of the things Taeyong loved the most about Jeju was that he could go anywhere walking, unlike Seoul, where everything was far. He enjoyed putting his legs into work, smelling the fresh air peppered with tropical raindrops and hearing the humming birds filling his ears. Of course the cars and highways and shopping malls and dance clubs were there, too, and that was exactly why he loved that place so much. It was like someone gathered all his favorite things together, mixed them and created that beautiful island just for him.

Oh, and it was Taeil’s home too.

It only took a 15 minute walk and Taeyong was already opening the glass doors, hearing the familiar bell ringing, watching as his friend raised his head from the romance he was reading so focused with a grin from ear to ear. Even though it was the 13 ^th consecutive summer Taeyong spent on that old shop, it always felt like a fresh new one, with all those dusty discs and history kept in between the corridors. He slowly approached, his frisky and big eyes scanning through the room just to make sure everything was still the same, rubbing his hands against each others casually like he always did when he felt excited.

Taeil didn’t say anything, jumping out of his bench behind the cashier and pulling another one for his friend. He never knew exactly what to say in moments like these, where everything just kinda worked on automatic, like words were needless because they knew exactly what the other one was feeling and thinking.

But he wanted to talk today. He wanted to know how Taeyong’s winter passed by, what adventures he’d get into, who he met, what was going on the continent, but he sucked at this. He never knew exactly what to say, so he stayed quiet. Tucked a pen drive on the USB entrance of the notebook and gave Taeyong the headset he used to listen to The 1975 when no one was around, his hands skillfully arranging the buttons of the mixer on the screen so the sound would come as soft as possible, fetching all the sensations he wanted to give.

“What’s the concept for this one?” Taeyong asked, his eyes following Taeil’s as he focused on clearing the audio, his lips parted and eyebrows crunched. “Am I gonna like it?”

“The concept is summer.” Taeil answered, finally satisfied with the work, as he supported his hands on his waist, gazing back into Taeyong’s chocolate globes. “I didn’t tried to make anything too elaborated this time, since you never like my best playlists.” His own globes went blank as he rolled his eyes, smiling in advance. “You don’t even have to listen to it right now, they are just some songs that fit the summer vibe.”

Taeyong nodded knowingly and Taeil patted his shoulder, leaving with some boxes of albums to disappear on The Bay’s huge corridors. He took a glance on the white paper that his friend left on the branch, his handwriting filling rows of song titles, explanations about the bands and technical information about the songs itself. Taeil used to say it was worthless to listen to music and not learn about it, not listen to the instruments, to the melody, to the voices and layers, so in each one of the playlists he ever made to his friend there was a sheet like this one.

The first song was from an English band called Metronomy. It wasn’t one of the pop songs Taeil used to listen all the time and definitely not one of the R&B jams he listened to in specific moments, it was different from everything he had always showed. It was calm, like the sea breeze at dusk, when you can feel the little sand grains brushing against your skin and smell the salty water pervading your nostrils. If he closed his eyes, he could perfectly picture the blue endless vastness stretching beyond where eyes could see. He could perfectly see themselves driving the Chevrolet on the top of those roads going nowhere, edging the coast, Taeil wearing that ugly hawaiian red shirt and his sunglasses, with the open windows as Trouble – the first track on the playlist, softly played on the background. The wind would infringe the cabin, messing up with their hairs, snatching giggles and laughs out of them and Taeyong would stretch his hand out, feeling his fingers straining backwards as the wind came furiously against them.

That song definitely had the summer vibe.

He stole a glance at his friend, focused as he placed the albums back at their correct shelf, according to alphabetic order. Ever since he knew Taeil he was like that, passionate about music till his last cell brain, always talking about a new artist he just discovered and the new instrument he bought with his hardworking salary. He remembered the first time Taeil brought him here, showed him his secret place, when they were just two little boys who had nothing to worry about besides catching waves and eating candies. He remembered how bored he felt as Taeil showed him a Pink Floyd song, Shine On You Crazy Diamond playing through the sound system of The Bay, his friend just standing there with his eyes closed and the hairs on his arm fully bristly. He remembered how sad Taeil looked when he told him he didn’t like the song, how his heart seemed to break into tiny pieces when his eyes gazed the floor and he said goodbye, how he never seemed to come back again and Taeyong hated himself for being attached too easily.

Since then, Taeyong just played along with Taeil’s addiction. He even got excited now, waiting for summer to come, to go out of that plane and come to the store, to listen to Taeil’s new playlist, made especially for his best friend. This moment was what kept him from not giving up through the semester, to just drop everything and run away from everyone, from his liabilities and obligations. He knew everything was justified when he saw Taeil’s smile behind chapped lips, his hips moving cutely of excitement when Coldplay’s songs reverberated through the whole store, his head moving lightly as he flipped his bangs of his eyes and the wrinkle between his eyebrows when he focused too hard.

He took the headsets off when he saw Taeil’s lithe steps, coming back to his previous seating behind the cashier, by his side with that small smile lingering on his lips, like he knew Taeyong was being cheesy on his mind. He always knew.

“The first one.” Taeyong rattled the headsets, seemingly too excited for the first time with something Taeil showed him. His eyebrow pulled up, listening. “We gotta listen to it while driving the Chevrolet, it’s amazing.”

The older one laughed shortly and punched the air, making his cute victory dance. Taeil’s eyes doubled size whenever he was happy, like one of those stuffed animals from amusement park, and right know they looked like two marbles jumping up and down as he celebrated. Taeyong smiled impassioned.

“I knew you would like it! It’s incredible, right?” He deep breathed, leaning one of his hands on Taeyong’s shoulder as the other one handled the notebook, setting Trouble to play on the big stereo. Awkwardly, Taeyong felt too self-aware of Taeil’s touch. “Wait until you listen to the rest of the list, I even amazed myself with the quality this time.”

Taeyong crouched his face, his eyes shooting glares at Taeil’s long fingers, resting on his skin like they were part of himself. But they weren’t, because the younger one felt a bothering tingling, a strange heat he couldn’t even explain to himself, like they were digging holes on his shirt and touching him directly on his fresh skin.

And suddenly, when Taeil’s fingers left, he missed it.

Nonetheless, the loud noise of the bell ringing as the glass door shut opened didn’t give him no time to analyze his feelings towards Taeil’s touch. His eyes quickly turned away, watching as his whole blinding smile came through, his shirt tucked inside his jeans and his fists were buried inside his front pockets. Nakamoto Yuta was, as Taeil used to joke around, the motive why everybody called Japan “land of the rising sun” because his smile was worth a thousand kilowatts, always shining bright.

And it wasn’t different that day, as he came by the balcony with that smug grin over his lips.

“I can’t believe you were already going to hide in here before paying a visit to your old friend, you dickhead.” Yuta said, slapping Taeyong’s head slightly, forcing his eyebrows together so he would look threatening.

“Ey, don’t be like that to your hyung, Nakamoto.” Taeyong answered, standing up to pat him in the back. “I’ve brought presents and you’re not gonna get none if you keep misbehaving.”

Taeil rolled his eyes, messing Yuta’s hair with his free hand before heading to the storage and leaving the two friends alone.

It’s not like Taeil wasn’t friends with Yuta, he adored his foreigner dongsaeng like no other besides Taeyong, it’s just that they see each other way too often. Yuta was also a lost boy living on Neverland – that was how Taeil and Taeyong called Jeju. He was a kid from the neighborhood, seeing his face was the only assurance Taeil had when he woke up in the morning and it was not a big deal anymore.

In fact, realizing it once made him wonder if it would be like that if Taeyong lived there too. Maybe all the magic he felt when the dark blonde was around was just because they spent the whole year splitted, dwelling on the memories made during summer, not enough time to get sick of each other’s face. Maybe the whole deal about him adoring Taeyong that much was that, by the end of the summer, he got on that plane and left for another nine months.

“How was real life, big boy?” Yuta nagged, sitting by the counter, as he often did against Taeil’s protests. “Any good news? Bad ones too?”

Taeyong shook his head and clicked his tongue, smiling.

“Pretty much the same.” He shrugged. “University sucks, tho.”

Taeyong was the only one among the group of friends of Jeju who frequented higher education, it was way too expensive for any one of them. They almost went wild when Taeyong told them he was accepted into the Architecture school, filling the boy with questions he yet didn’t know how to answer, eyes glimmering as their ears listened to him quietly. It was one of the things that kept him humble, knowing that such a basic thing as quality education wasn’t universal made him appreciate the opportunities money could buy for him.

Yet still, it seemed like he was being carried away, just watching as his whole graduation was sliding through his eyes and he wasn’t really the main character in that drama. He felt numb most of the time, completing his lectures and paper works with no further difficulties, filling his heart with happiness every time his parents felt proud of his choice, but he wasn’t really happy. It was almost like something he knew he had to do just to make sure he would have his share of his father’s fat heritage, but it wasn’t like he enjoyed at all.

Deep down in his soul, he just wanted a simple life. He just wanted to be one of the lost boys.

“So, any plans for tonight?” Yuta asked, bringing Taeyong back from his lost thoughts, his eyes still gazing the path trailed by Taeil.

“Nope, I was just waiting for Taeil’s shift to end.” He answered, awkwardly gesticulating with his hand. “Don’t know what we’re doing after.”

“Oh? Didn’t your boyfriend share the plans? Is it a surprise?” The japanese said in a mockingly tone, putting his hands together at the side of his face in a failed attempt to look cute.

“You’re so boring, I don’t even know why I hang out with you.” Taeyong rolled his eyes, feeling his blood flushing through his cheeks.

“Because I’m the coolest dude on this island and you love me.” Said, sliding his arm around Taeyong’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “Anyways, we’re gathering at Jaehyun’s later, bring Taeil and my present.”

Yuta smacked a brief kiss on Taeyong’s crown, blinking with one eye before disappearing in the scorching heat outside. And it wasn’t even July yet.

Taeyong sighed, his eyebrows pursed in the middle of his forehead, the wrinkle between his eyes pulsating with that unsettling feeling that something has changed inside him. Yuta’s words still echoed in his brain, pattering deep on the darkness of his unconscious, bearing all the functions of his mind to think about that one thing that, years ago, never bothered him not once.

Yuta called Taeil his boyfriend and he couldn’t understand why, after all this time, it was awkward.

“I just talked to Mr. Do.” Taeil’s warm voice came out of nowhere, arousing Taeyong back from the darkness he got himself into. He watched as his friend toyed with the keys from the store between his fingers, an excited grin resting on his lips. “He gave me the day off tomorrow. He said I should –“ Taeil made inverted commas with his fingers. “Enjoy my boyfriend.”

Unlike Taeyong, his reaction was giggle like a little kid, with his hand on his tummy, because he really thought that it was this funny.

“Yuta said the same thing before he left. Everybody thinks we’re dating, Hyung.” He scratched his nape, unpleasant with this whole topic that surely wouldn’t let him sleep this night. Taeyong was this type of guy who cared a lot for what others thought of him, from the extravagant colors he used to dye his hair to whom he dates and hangs out. He was just careful, in a world made of appearances you can’t just let everyone think whatever they want to think. “It’s worrying me, sincerely.”

Taeil rolled his eyes, huffing an enormous amount of air and taking his friend by the arm, pulling him from his comfortable seating. He was the opposite of Taeyong, always living from his own pleasure, but he didn’t have to worry anyways. Taeil was the kid everyone loved, sharing warm smiles and always helping his neighbors, Taeyong used to say his reputation was better than Korea’s president.

Except he did it all because he liked, he wanted to see every single soul satisfied and happy with themselves. Lovely, isn’t he?

“Don’t be so panicked, kiddo.” He said, pushing the doors with his hips, the heat waves permeating his skin and soaking his energy. He let go of Taeyong’s arm, twisting the keys on its hole. “I wouldn’t date you in a hundred years.”

♡

Breathtaking.

It was the only word Taeyong could possibly use to describe what his round puppy eyes were looking at. He and Taeil were quiet for about an hour now, sitting on the edge of a cliff, hands pushed back against the soil while their arms supported the upper bodies, brown eyes looking at the horizon and enjoying as dusk relented space for night. Soft shades of orange and blue running down the sky looking like brush strokes, a gentle degradée washing the vastness, as if God was slowly mixing the colors to create such a breathtaking scene, with the tip of His fingerprints pinning white shining dots that, as the scenery grew darker, multiplied.

It all just felt overwhelming for the younger one. Taeyong was so sensitive to the point that even a cloudy day could leave him moody and a very sunny one would make him giggle and smile around as a fool in love. He felt as his chest was expanding, full filled with love and gracefulness, feeling so lucky that he was even alive to behold such an image. He was synchronized with the landscape, his own mind growing darker as the sun set behind the mountains, leaving him with nothing but pure darkness.

And Taeil lost it all.

His own eyes were focused on another spectacle, pinned on the figure of the slender boy sitting by his side. Taeil always thought that Taeyong was beautiful, but he couldn’t find words to describe what it was that he was watching right now. The dark blonde shade on his strands made his skin glow, the cupid bow tugged and thin, pursuing the resting smile on his lips, closed eyes enjoying while his skin was seeped on sunlight. It was like an angel having a sunbath on the gates of paradise.

He was amazed by the glimmer on Taeyong’s eyes, Adam apple’s bobbing up and down as he gasped, beholding the natural beauty of a quiet sunset on a summer noon. Not quiet, tho, because the Chevrolet old radio shared electromagnetic radiation through the air, pleasantly caressing their eardrums as Arcade Fire played “The Suburbs”, a song that perfectly matched Taeyong’s feeling towards the seashore underneath the cliff, bathing on the last minutes of sunlight for that day.

And he sighed. It was all too much.

“This is one of the things I miss the most when I go back to Seoul.” He confessed, eyes slowly opening, his pupils broaden to adjust to the light, never leaving the horizon, intertwining his fingers. “There’s too much buildings, they hide the sun-setting.”

“It’s beautiful.” Taeil agreed, finally looking past the boy, a thin lipped smile raising on his chapped lips. He tilted his head, his left ear resting against his shoulder. “But we’re never satisfied with what we have, are we?”

Taeyong shifted on his place, his eyes slowly coming to meet Taeil’s clasped jawline. Since they were teenagers, Taeil worked on two different jobs in order to save money and finally go to a college in Seoul while Taeyong didn’t have to make any effort for anything in his life, and it was something that, deep down, bothered Taeil to his core. It was a subject that would always bring heated discussions and weeks of Taeyong’s whining, so they just put it on the list of forbidden subjects and no one talked about it anymore. Taeyong deep breathed, he was going to break a rule and he knew only stubbornness could come out of this, but he couldn’t help himself when he got everything to help his best friend to realize a dream. He would be a monster if he just stayed quiet. His cold digits stroked one of Taeil’s shoulder, a knowingly grin resting on his lips, eyes flickering through his face, searching for signs that he should simply be quiet.

But he, of course, ignored it.

“You know Dad can get you in any university you want, hyung.” Taeyong’s low voice echoed through the whole island, Taeil’s eyes already rolling back to his skull. “Stop being so proud! There’s not a goddam problem in accepting some help if you need it.”

“You wouldn’t understand but I’ll explain even still.” Taeil rapidly answered, adopting a petulant posture, his shoulders’ tension heating up. His right eyebrow raises, a tired sigh leaving his lips before he talks slowly. “I wanna get in because I deserve it, when I’m ready, because I want it to be a conquer of mine. I don’t want your father’s money, Taeyong, for the last time.”

“It’s not his money, Taeil.” Taeyong huffed, impatient. He tented to talk high pitched when he was angry, words barely understandable. “Gosh, you’re so stubborn! There’s nothing holding you back in here, we can bring your sister too.”

Taeil laughed nervous, almost sarcastically, and shook his head. His eyes were in pure wrath, unbeliever that he was going through this again.

“It’s not about that and low your voice, I’m your hyung.” Taeil was looking inside Taeyong’s eyes, like a father scolding his son. “You gotta let me do my stuff without nagging and trying to resolve everything with your father’s money.” Taeil crossed his arms above his chest, mumbling. “Thank god you leave by the end of the summer.”

It was something he didn’t mean to, but he said and they were both hurt. Taeyong leaving in the end of the summer was an issue that bothered them to the point the youngest deemed to move to the island. And he just couldn’t believe Taeil said that, that he would hurt him like that.

Taeyong shook his head, getting up and dusting his black shorts. Taeil is right, he can’t understand why he is so dumb like that and can’t see a palm ahead, but he’s tired of discussing it and the latter is unstoppable when they fight. Taeil tilted his head, he knew he screwed up but not to the point that Taeyong wouldn’t even stay until dark.

“We’re gonna be late for Jae’s.” Taeyong said, shortly, tucking his fists inside his pockets. The older one nodded, watching as he kicked a little rock down the cliff with the tip of his Chuck’s. “This sunset just lost all the grace.”

Taeil rolls his eyes, once again, and slides one arm past Taeyong’s shoulders, leading him back to the Chevrolet. He was always like that, it doesn’t matter if they argued about what type of cheese to go with what whine or it was Taeil’s future, but whenever they disagreed on something Taeyong’s face instantly transformed from that shiny bright smiling boy to the one who shoots fire through his eyes, being the spoiled he was, and Taeil knew him for time enough to know that it wouldn’t do any good if he kept insisting. He was a spoiled kid and that wouldn’t change ever, so why bother?

The ride until Jaehyun’s house was silent. Not one type of silence that is pleasant and comfortable, but the one that pokes into the back of your mind, not letting you forget that it is there, existing and growing, suffocating the air around everyone. The one that makes you think about the things you said and regret not being quiet, that makes you think this awkward aura is staying forever.

But happily, Jaehyun’s house – better saying, mansion – could be seen in the horizon, the white and clean colors brightly welcoming both unpleasant boys, light leaking through the Greek architecture columns and the curtains flying with the sea breeze. Taeil parked right in the front, quickly unlocking the door, watching Taeyong’s ghost leaving as fast as wind.

He sighed, maybe they really did look like a couple when Taeyong acted childish like that, even when he knew Taeil didn’t mean what he said. His hands were buried inside his pockets when he past the gates, seeing all those friendly faces around the living room.

“Il-hyung!” Jaehyun said, smile poking his cheeks as dimples showed up. He was stretching his arms to give him a hug, which Taeil didn’t feel quite comfortable in giving but he accepted anyways. Jaehyun was son of the mayor, his friends used to joke and say that his father only won the election because of his innocent smile that captured girl’s heart – they weren’t exactly wrong, but Mr. Jung was a good politician, the best one they had in decades and Jaehyun was always there to support and help his father. But like any other young man, he liked booze and girls, except he had to do it all hidden. “We missed you.”

“Don’t be cheesy, Jae.” Taeil laughed, his eyebrow lifting automatically as he patted his shoulder. “I’m always around, it’s not my fault that you are like a diplomat and are always absent”

“Well, make yourself at home.” Jaehyun answered with a cocky grin, leading the oldest to the center, where everyone was settled and gathered. He was the type of guy that would deny to his core when somebody flattered him, but deep down it was exactly what he wanted. “Me and Doyoung are cooking mozzarella sticks. The drinks are at the mini bar and there’s pizza.”

“Thanks, Jung.” Taeil muttered, rubbing his hands against each other, without exactly knowing what to do or say. It wasn’t like he didn’t know every face on that room, but the unrest on his stomach just didn’t let him get distracted from the stupid discussion from earlier. He smiled to Yuta, waved to Chittaphon and winked at Kun, but the desire of talking and socializing just wasn’t there.

“Oh, by the way, what happened to Taeyong?” Taeil jerked up in surprise, turning to face Jaehyun yelling from the kitchen door. He crunched his face, confused. “He looked pretty messed up, I thought maybe you knew something.”

Taeil knew exactly what happened, but he decided it was something he and Taeyong should sort out alone, without anyone nagging around. He shrugged, denying with his head and Jaehyun curled the side of his mouth, pouting.

“Where is he?”

Jaehyun aimed his chin forward, signaling the opposite side of the room, where the dark blonde one chatted downhearted with Yukhei, the Cantonese friend who came to the neighborhood some couple years ago. He waved at Taeil with a smile, leading Taeyong’s eyes to meet his awkward figure just standing there, misplaced, quickly looking away.

But Taeil was cheeky and he wouldn’t let Taeyong’s tantrum spoil the summer that hasn’t barely begum. He trudged towards the boys, resting his hand on Taeyong’s left shoulder, his fingers squeezing the skin a little, in a silent apology.

And it was okay. Taeyong looked up, at him, his cracked lips showing that apologetic smile and shrugging, landing his hand above Taeil’s, his mouth whispering “I’m sorry” and Taeyong knew he meant it, it was from the bottom of his heart. Taeil was bad with words, but his body said it all and by this time of their lives, Taeyong already knew how to read him. He hated when his hyung had these sad look upon his eyes, rubbing his hands like he didn’t belong anywhere, batting his lashes quickly, wishing he could disappear.

Then and there, looking inside Taeil’s chocolate globes while Yukhei’s voice echoed through his eardrums, he noticed something was different. Not in the island, not with each soul he had met there, but inside him. There was this different glow on hyung’s eyes, like Taeil was feeling so grateful that he was right there, with his fingers touching his hand, that made him shudder and shrink to the size of an inch.

Taeyong thought he looked like a star, beautiful and poetic, yet so dangerous and unstable, making his chest float with all that different rhythm he never felt until now. It felt like a butterfly flapping wings inside his heart, making it beat uncoupled and compromising the blood flush.

And he knew it would always be okay, as long as Taeil kept smiling like he owned the sun Taeyong would never be truly upset with him.

♡

Jeju Island, July 2015

“Have you ever stole something from The Bay?”

Taeil giggled, strawberry in one hand and a green little bottle with soju on the other. There was a blur in the air, he didn’t know if it was his drunken mind or just dawn mist, but everything seemed distorted and confusing, his eyes turbid and floppy.

“No, never.” He denied with his head, looking serious all at sudden, white teeth sinking on the reddish flesh of the fruit. “Mr. Do let me have anything I want, there’s no need to stole.”

“He’s too cool with you, hyung.” Taeyong mumbled, hiccuping under his breath, eyes barely opening. “It’s your turn now.”

It was Taeyong’s 21 ^st birthday and they were sitting under a huge cherry tree near the sports center, over a checkered towel filled with drinks and snacks. He didn’t want to waste his day on a dark dance club, surrounded by people he didn’t know, rubbing their sweated bodies against his back and stumbling on his feet, but he wanted to feel like a grown up, so Taeil suggested they had a “ 21st birthday pick-nick”, which was, basically, a pick-nick with booze after midnight.

And, as always, it was just the both of them. And the air, peppered with that sweet cherry smell, and the full moon brightening up their faces as they laughed and smiled groggy. And the grass moistened with dew caressing their skin. And the silence of the early morning keeping their secrets in the dark.

As always, it was them and all that mattered.

“I sincerely think I know everything about your life, Taeyong. Playing this is stupid.” They were playing Truth or Dare, but they were way too drunk to lift their asses and actually do something, so if any of them didn’t want to answer a question, they had to drink. “I don’t know what to ask!”

“There’s gotta be something!” Taeyong bumped his shoulder weightlessly, lazy grin resting on his chubby lips. He took another sip of the beer, trying to stop the hiccups.

There was, actually, something that Taeil have been curious about. During the last summer, there was a rumor floating around the island about Taeyong dating an unknown guy, but he decided to let it go. If Taeyong wanted him to know, he would’ve told him, except that kept echoing through his mind the whole year and Taeil didn’t really had any control over his mouth right now.

“Have you ever kissed a guy?” Taeil hissed, almost as if he didn’t want Taeyong to listen his question, almost as if he knew it was wrong to believe such rumors about his best friend.

Taeyong frowned, his eyes floating away anywhere but Taeil’s face, blood rushing to his cheeks, blushing harsh and quickly. It was no secret to anyone that Taeil was gay, but nobody could be sure about Taeyong’s relationship preferences because himself didn’t know about it yet, as he’s never been in one before. The younger was always caring towards his feelings, protecting himself from anyone who came too close, afraid to have his Cancer heart broken.

He protected himself so much he couldn’t see what was right in front of his eyes.

“Yes.” Taeyong admitted honestly, eyes mirroring the floor. He wasn’t sure if what he was feeling was shame or relief, but his chest felt weird.

Taeil shifted uncomfortably, worrying that he might have created a heavy environment with that silly question. He hated when Taeyong avoided his eyes, he never needed to be ashamed with his hyung about anything, they were almost brothers.

“It’s okay.” Taeil whispered, his fingers combing Taeyong’s strands behind, caressing his crown gently. The terminal end of his thumb stroked the younger’s cheek, attracting his eyes back. “You know that, don’t you?”

Taeyong nodded, smiling shortly, eyes closing in order to enjoy the tenderness of Taeil’s touch, sliding disguisedly closer to his hyung. Taeil used to say that he was like a puppy, “All I have to do to keep you happy is feed and caress you”, he’d say once Taeyong laid his head against his thighs, smiling brightly when his fingers were on his hair.

“I’m sorry if I touched a sensitive issue.” said Taeil, drawing circles on his cheek, his eyes flickering through his cupid bow and his eyes.

“Don’t worry.” Taeyong denied with his head, pouting. “Although I hadn’t exactly kissed the guy I wanted to, it was good.”

A light bulb popped inside Taeil’s mind, like the security alarm on a store trying to warn its owner that something isn’t alright. He arched one eyebrow, how come his best friend have a crush and not tell him? He felt betrayed, upset, as if Taeyong pushed a knife on his chest.

He pulled away, ceasing the caress.

“And who is this guy you wanted to kiss and not told me about?” asked Taeil, hands pinned on his waist. Taeyong rolled his eyes, but his side smile was there, adorning his charming face.

“It was you, Taeil.”

♡

Jeju Island, July 2018

The cherry tree was as huge as Taeyong could remember from three years ago. His eyes climbed up the whole trunk, watching its branches twitching and twisting, little cherry blossoms starting to flourish and becoming the whole organic body in a light shade of pink. He remembered that day like it was yesterday, the day he said he wanted to kiss Taeil was a constant nightmare through the following autumn, waking him up at night with the recall of when he almost ruined their friendship.

It wasn’t a lie, though. He really did wanted to kiss him, but it was a confusing summer, he was just discovering the pleasures of hooking up and would literally kiss anyone with tooth and lips. That moment was a joke between them now, Taeil would say “Remember when you said you wanted to kiss me on your birthday pick-nick?” and they would laugh their asses off, but Taeyong still often thinks about what could’ve happened it they did.

Would he like the taste of Taeil’s lips? Were they soft? Would his tongue feel fresh?

It felt appropriate to come and visit the cherry tree on the sports center today, when his heart was so confused and filled with many things he didn’t recognized. It was a chilly day, the sea breeze fanning harder than normal, sun rays shining slimmer and the cold wind rubbing his lips, making him hug the blue sweater against his pale skin. He thought that maybe coming over could give him an answer for what he was questioning himself, maybe he was waiting for it to fall off the branches of the cherry tree, maybe arise from the floor, he didn’t know, but it was even more confusing.

Deep down, Taeyong knew what was going on with his chest. It was no heart attack, as he thought at first, it wasn’t normal, as he convinced himself later, and it wasn’t nothing, as he told his mother on the phone. He was falling in love for the first time, with the most impossible person he could’ve ever met in his life.

It’s been three weeks since he saw something different in his eyes. That glimmer could outshine any star, it was worth a picture taken by the Hubble telescope and it should be pinned on the wall by the side of Pillars of Creation. It was that glimmer that convinced Taeyong that maybe that friendship should escalate to something bigger, more significant and complex than just hang around the music store all summer. It was that glimmer that convinced him that maybe what he was looking for to cure his loneliness was right there, resting on that chapped lips’ smile, that maybe the euphoria he was feeling right now was inside him all the time, since he first saw him.

It takes only one moment for everything to change and Taeyong hated changes. It was like someone cut him in two, and one part screams that that change was a good one, that it would come to make everything better, and the other one screams that it was bad, that it wouldn’t work.

Because he was too selfish and he was too good for him.

But that glimmer made everything worth it. The flights, the money expended on that huge summer house, the afternoons wasted on that dusty music store, the anime nights with him snoring in the first five minutes of movie. That glimmer made falling in love with Moon Taeil a good thing.

And since that evening, Taeyong had been seeing that glimmer on his eyes shine as never before every time they met. He wasn’t sure if his mind was playing tricks on him, but Taeil’s smile looked even broader, shiner, he seemed more excited to do anything, everything, by his side and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that maybe – just maybe – Taeil felt something beyond friendship for him too.

He wasn’t wrong at all, but Taeil wasn’t as positive as him tho.

On the other side of the island, sitting behind the cashier of a dusty store with long corridors and glass doors stands a man with both hands covering his face, something poking his throat, like a scream long silenced. Unlike Taeyong, Taeil knew he had feeling towards the younger one and they weren’t new. Maybe they were there since the first or second summer, but he always catches himself stealing a glance or two, smiling to no one in particular, mourning like a widow when the summer is over and he goes away, only to look unbothered when a new summer comes and he has to pick Taeyong over the 3 ^rd gate of the airport.

His shoulders were hard, strained, his body trembled as if he ran a marathon, feeling a sour pain on every inch. He was tired of swallowing his words, he was tired of keeping that huge secret to himself, but he was sure that feeling didn’t flow both ways, so what choice did he have? Confessing and ending up with no best friend and no boyfriend? Getting mad with his silence sounded a hundred times better in his mind.

It’s been three years since Taeil felt regret eroding his chest. He remembered like it was yesterday, the day Taeyong said he wanted to kiss him and he did nothing, just kept quiet, eyes flickering through his eyes and mouth. He knew everything would be different if he had just grabbed the opportunity, if he just had kissed him… even if Taeyong didn’t felt the same, he would know what he tastes like.

His hands slid off his face when he heard the door bell ringing, notifying him that he had costumers, showing a weak smile when he saw Mr. Kim, from the neighborhood, tottering quietly inside the corridors of classic music. He took a deep breath, there was so many obstacles for their friendship to become something else that maybe Taeyong not corresponding his feelings was the smaller one of them.

The biggest one, of course, was distance. How could he have a relationship with someone who he can only see through summer? What would they do during the other nine months of the year?

It was hopeless, just something that wasn’t worth the fatigue. It would be better if he just let go.

♡

“Okay, spit it out.” Taeyong lifted his eyes, the chocolate globes wide with surprise, closing the book he had in hand and leaving it by the cashier. He crunched his face, a cute wrinkle on the middle of his forehead. Taeil sighed, dragging a bench and sitting across the balcony. “You’ve been acting weird. What is happening?”

Taeyong licked his lips, looking elsewhere as he tried to find an answer that would satisfy him. The truth is he didn’t know how to act around Taeil since he found out he was falling in love with him, but he didn’t have the guts to move away either, so he just came by The Bay, sat by the cashier and stayed quiet for the whole evening, eventually talking about something trivial that Taeil wasn’t really interested in. He knew sooner or later Taeil would notice something was different, he just didn’t think what to say when this happened.

“There’s nothing happening.” Taeyong shrugged, showing a smile. “How do you mean weird?”

“Taeyong.” Taeil called out, crossing his arms above his chest. “You know you’ve been too quiet, just tell me what is happening already.”

“Alright, alright, hyung.” He replied, nodding. “I’m just bored, I don’t know.”

Taeil looked confused, a question mark printed on his forehead. Taeyong wasn’t someone who gets bored easily, he’s okay with anything and anywhere, his mind was too fertile for him to ever feel bored. Especially when he was around Taeil, so he was really surprised.

“Y-you should go home, then.” Taeil suggested, looking away and getting up. More than surprised, Taeil felt insulted, since he never in those 13 years made Taeyong feel bored. “I still have to deal with some wrong delivers so yeah, I’ll see you around.”

And Taeyong knew he harmed Taeil’s ego. He pouted, jumping out of his seat, touching Taeil forearm with his cold digits, deviating his attention from the computer with all those tables and information he didn’t understand.

“It’s even more boring at home.” There was an apologetic smile resting on Taeyong’s lips, his shoulders lifted in guilt. “Why don’t you show me a new song? It always cheers me up when you do.”

Taeil had a perfect one. He’s listened to this girl on a pub weeks ago, before Taeyong arrived, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how fitting that song was. He used to be scared of showing it and Taeyong understanding it the wrong way – or the right, it depends on the point of view – so he kept it to himself, but deep down, he wanted his dongsaeng to know about his feelings. He nodded, opening the digital music platform on the computer, already handling the headsets to him.

He pressed play and left, too afraid to stay there while that simple song said everything for him. The lyrics weren’t poetic, extended, it was just a simple phrase that once brought Taeil to tears, sitting alone with his beer on an empty pub as that girl sang Sea of Love by Cat Powers, thinking of how much of a coward he was.

And as Charlyn Marie Marshall sweetly treated Taeyong’s ears with her cry of love, he just sat there, wishing Taeil meant something when showing him this song. He could picture himself, holding his hands, watching the waves crashing against the shore, the sunset pouring down in the horizon and Taeil’s honey-like voice telling him he loved him. It honestly felt so bad knowing that this probably would never happen.

By the end of the song, Taeyong had little teardrops on the corners of his eyes, his nails tugging the flesh of his exposed knees, without exactly knowing what to do. He wanted to tell Taeil he was falling in love, but what would they do? The first thing crossing his mind was that there was not an alternative universe where Taeil felt the same way, and if he did they wouldn’t be together because he refused to go live in Seoul. And they were boys, oh my god, what would Mr. Lee think?

And they were best friends. He didn’t know what he would do of his life if Taeil wasn’t there for him, if he wasn’t sure to reconnect with him in the summer, if he didn’t have his chubby thighs to lay on the end of the day and the chapped lips’ smile. It would be better to just swallow his feelings until the next summer.

“Taeyong?” Taeil called out, dropping the box by the counter and approaching him carefully. “Are you crying?”

Taeyong whipped his eyes with the back of his hands, putting an awkward smile on.

“Don’t you dare laughing of me. Look at the song you showed me!” He replied, laughing with his eyes moistened with soft tears. “I’m a Cancer, Taeil. I’m soft.”

“You’re a baby.” Taeil claimed, curling his arms around Taeyong’s head on a cozy hug. “My baby.”

And then, there was Taeyong bursting into tears, literally crying like a baby with cramps, his eyes pooling Taeil’s Arcade Fire tshirt. The older could only pat his head lightly, comforting him even though he didn’t know exactly why Taeyong was crying. It was ok, at the end of matters, because Taeil would always be around to just make him comfortable when things weren’t going the right way.

“I wish I really was.”

♡

Taeyong ran like never before.

And yes, this is a metaphor. In reality, he was laying with his chest up, arms behind his head, earphones playing Adversity from Beach Fossils on the maximum volume. He’s been running away from Taeil, from Yuta, from The Bay and the rest of the island, hiding on his bat cave, running from his own feelings.

But he couldn’t take a rest. Everywhere he looked, anything he touched, any song he listened remembered of the shit he’s got himself into. It felt like drowning with nobody to hold his hand, watching as days past by slowly, summer dragging itself outside his glass doors as he laid on the exact same place, the most sad playlists Taeil ever made to him playing on repeat.

He was just dumb to don’t see he would keep running forever if he didn’t face the problem and handled it.

He wasn’t even feeling sad, but hopelessness was the worst of the feelings. It was like he already knew none of his alternatives could make him fully satisfied, he would suffer either ways, so why not start now? He knew each of them would make Taeil pull away and they would lose their friendship forever, then what would he do? There was no way out.

Taeyong sighed ruefully when he heard the door bell, uncomfortably lifting and waiting for whoever it was to come in. They all knew Taeyong’s doors were always opened anyways, there was no need to wait by the door anymore.

He just wished it wasn’t Taeil, because he wasn’t prepared to lie about his absence.

It felt like the Hallasan mountain left his shoulders when he saw Yuta coming in, a worriedly frown crackling his wrinkle and eyebrows furrowed. His eyes climbed up and down, taking a good look on Taeyong’s state, only to relax and smile as he was used to.

“We thought you were dead, big boy.” He said, approaching the older with a tap on his back. Taeyong smiled shortly, shaking his head. “Couldn’t answer the phone, huh? So dramatic.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t really in the mood.” Replied Taeyong, leading the Japanese to sit on his perfectly white couch. “You just came to check on me?”

“Hmm… yeah? This is what friends do.” He sat, comfortably, spreading one of his arm against the upholstery.

Taeyong nodded, accordingly, lowering his eyes to gaze the tip of his toe’s nails. He couldn’t lie to himself and pretend he wasn’t expecting someone else to come, but he couldn’t also ask it from him. He must be so confused, Taeyong just left without saying anything and have been avoiding his texts and phone calls since then, how could he know the problem was with him?

But he decided to ask anyways.

“Why couldn’t Taeil come?” He asked, eyes flickering back to Yuta’s as he rubbed his hand against the back of his neck.

“He thinks you’re mad at him for some reason.” This was literally Taeyong’s biggest fear, making Taeil feel guilty over something that wasn’t exactly his fault. Yuta arched an eyebrow, lowering his head and coming closer all of sudden. “Are you?”

“No, he’s done nothing.” Taeyong denied with his head, but his face was all crunched and sad, like he had something he really wanted to talk about trapped on his throat. “Tell him I just need some time alone.”

“You realized you have feelings for him, didn’t you?”

And Taeyong’s whole world came crashing down. He gulped, Adam’s apple going up and down, too scared to look inside Yuta’s eyes to move. Listening this allegation in loud and clear voice had a different effect than when it only stayed on the back of his mind, turning everything in reality when he just wanted it to stay there, unbothered.

He shifted, tongue moistening his lips, searching for something to say, anything. He didn’t think he had strength enough to deny a truth so strong like that, but he didn’t want to admit it too, afraid of what it would do to him. Taeyong just wanted to dig a whole on the ground and disappear on the soil, never having to worry about feelings as worms and bacteria dissolved him.

“Sincerely, if this happened you need to tell me because we have a bet and if you did this summer, I won 50,000 wons.” Yuta grumbled, trying to sound humorous and soothing the whole atmosphere. He was always like that, someone you could talk to without worrying too much, he would just make you feel good with his acid jokes and commentaries.

“You suck, Yuta.” Taeyong replied, laughing with his head lowered, fitting as his nail tugged against the skin of his knee. “I want half of it.”

“No way, rich boy.” Yuta smiled, understanding the implied information on that phrase. He patted Taeyong on the back, dragging his tired eyes to his face once again. “How did it happen?”

“It was back at Jaehyun’s house, I think.” The older took a deep breath, feeling confident to talk about it. There was no use in keeping it to himself anymore, maybe he would feel less suffocated if he just let it out. “I noticed something was different, you know? In the way I looked at him.”

But he wasn’t bold enough to say his name on such connotation. It felt way too real and Taeyong wasn’t on that phase still.

“You’re so obvious sometimes, how come you took so much to realize?” Yuta rolled his eyes, sighing exaggeratedly dramatic. “Then what happened for you to hide like this?”

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to act normal around him anymore now that I know.” Taeyong acknowledged, loosing his hands on his lap. He seemed way too tired, Yuta noticed, like he had been skipping sleeping hours and feeding poorly. “I cried in the store when he showed me a romantic song and couldn’t face him on the other day, and since then I’ve been avoiding everyone.”

“He’s really worried, Taeyong-hyung.” Answered Yuta, hissing. “You have to talk to him.”

“I can’t, Yuta. He’ll reject me.” He denied with his head. Worse than living on this dullness of feeling too much and talking too less was living without him on his life and Taeyong was sure it would happen if he confessed. It would be the end of his perfect summers. “I rather just be quiet forever.”

“Stop being so weak and grow some balls.” Yuta rebuked him, digging his index finger against Taeyong’s chest. “Go to the store and tell the man you love him, don’t be a coward.”

Then he stopped, awestruck, his mind wandering around that words. Did he love Taeil? Was it that bad? What was it exactly this that he felt for the boy?

They say we are always sure when we love someone, but everything Taeyong felt inside his chest was confusion, overwhelming his brain and his heart. He knew things changed, he knew he was falling in love, but how far have he gone? Was there a turning back? Could he go out of this one without losing the one precious thing he has ever appreciated on his life?

“I don’t know if this would be a good idea. What if he doesn’t feel the same?” He asked, that worried frown never leaving his forehead.

“What if he does?” Yuta replied, shrugging. “You’ll never know if you don’t talk to him.”

Yuta was right. Taeyong wasn’t the most hating person in this world, there was no suitable reason for him to have such negative vibes about Taeil’s feelings. Maybe he was losing who could be the love of his life in this insecurity, maybe he was losing a great deeper and meaningful relationship with a precious boy. He didn’t know yet, all he knew was that he was tired of losing.

“And besides, if you want my opinion, he likes you too.” The Japanese simply said, tapping him shoulder before getting up, intending to leave a clueless Taeyong behind.

His eyes hadn’t blink in seconds now, his mouth was opened in complete shook, hands resting on his lap with the palms up. In all the scenarios he had imagined, Taeil liking him back was not a possibility, it was too good to be truth. But again, listening to it in loud and clear voice just made it seem a little less impossible, almost potential, and he could picture it. He could actually imagine his chubby long fingers drawing circles on the palm of his hands, his chapped lips peppering kisses through his skin, his smile on Sunday mornings.

And he wanted it all so badly.

“You think so?” He asked, too awestruck to look up, losing Yuta’s cocky grin.

“C’mon, Tae. The guy keeps showing you those mellow romantic songs, don’t you think he’s got a reason?”

♡

“I need to talk to you, it’s important.”

Taeil’s neck almost completely turned on its axis, confusion drowning his mind from listening to that voice after so much time. He couldn’t believe what his eyes were looking at, he needed to rub them twice to confirm it wasn’t a mirage he was seing, that Taeyong was really standing there with his messed up dark blonde strands and that ugly ass blue tricot.

“You’ll have to wait, I’m busy now.” He grumbled, apologizing with the lady he was attending as he delivered One Direction’s album on her hands, leading her back to the cashier.

It felt like decades passed by as Taeyong watched Taeil’s skillful hands wrapping the object in an ugly gift wrap, swiping up her card on the machine and tottering towards the door, flipping the “Open” sign behind as the lady left the store. He didn’t seem very friendly at the moment, and Taeyong wandered if it was a good idea to do what he came to do right now, if he shouldn’t wait for a couple of days.

But Taeil was already there, standing in the middle of the empty store, arms crossed above his chest, waiting for an explanation for Taeyong’s breathless despair in the middle of his shift. And he knew he better have a good reason for making Taeil close the store, otherwise he was screwed.

“I hope you came by to explain why you were giving me the cold treatment, I was really confused.” Taeil said, but his tone wasn’t harsh or angry, he just sounded really worried. Taeyong scratched the back of his neck, fingers digging his nape.

“Kind of. What I have to say has to do with it anyways.” Taeyong replied, eyes floating around the store, avoiding Taeil’s soft looks. “I disappeared because if felt odd after that noon.”

“It was awkward, right?” The older answered, finally showing a smile. He took some steps back, resting against the bench. Taeil’s fingers dragged his dark strands away from his forehead, exposing that rare part of his skin as he left a sigh come out of his lips. “I’ve never seen you cry like that before. It feels like something changed but I don’t know what it is.”

“I do.”

Taeyong knew there was no turning back now. Hyung’s eyes lifted, frowning, trying to understand quietly what he meant and it was like Taeyong’s whole life flashed before his eyes, like he was seeing all the things he was going to lose once he opened his mouth and told Taeil what he felt.

He shook his head, it was no time for him to be a chicken. The coward version of him was dead, he came this far to say something and he was going to say it no matter what. Taeyong took a glimpse of Taeil’s eyes, expectantly, the wrinkle in his forehead cutely popping up, probably wondering why the fuck Taeyong was taking so long but he just wanted to register his face, to remember every little imperfection on his skin that made him unique, to remember every trail and line, every expression, for it might be the last time Taeyong saw it all.

He just wanted to register the face of the man he has loved for years now.

Taeyong took a deep breath, accepting his fate.

“Look, before I say something, I just want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you, okay?” He burst out of nowhere, quickly approaching the older one, eyes already watery making Taeil anxious. “I am a grown up and I get it, I can’t have everything and it’s ok, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“You’re scaring me, Taeyong. Just spill it.” Taeil demanded, impatiently drumming his fingers on his thigh.

“Things are changing because I have feelings for you, Taeil.” Taeyong finally said, feeling his insides burning as anxiety kicked in every vein. His eyes watched as Taeil’s expanded, tongue confusingly moistening the tip of his lips, arms dangling loose at the sides of his body. Taeil was shook, awestruck, confused, hectic, winding, his mind going round and round not knowing when to stop, his ears wasn’t even sure of what he’s listened, it was like his whole body stopped functioning. “No, not feelings, I am in love with you.”

“Please stop talking.” He asked, denying with his head, sinking into his seat. Taeyong pulled back, hands covering his mouth as the first teardrop came down his cheek, his mind feeling lost. He couldn’t understand what was going on, why Taeil was acting the way he was, he just felt guilty. “W-why are you saying this?”

“It’s the truth, hyung.” Taeyong replied quietly, among his sobs. “Why are you mad? What have I done?”

Taeil looked over Taeyong, his expressions instantly softening as he saw the tears ghosting through his face, stroking his pores. His imminent confusion only got worse, wasn’t it supposed to be a joyful moment? They both liked each other, so why was Taeyong crying? Was did he feel like throwing up?

“I’m not mad, it’s just confusing.” Taeil reached out, wiping the tears away with the tip of his soft fingers, quietly wondering about this moment. This is absolutely not what it should be, it felt like cutting a piece of himself every time he saw Taeyong’s pretty face twisted in sorrow and he did not want to remember it like this. “Please, don’t cry.”

“It’s just that I have so much inside me.” There he was, bursting in tears again, not even trying to contain them. His voice was shaky, coming out some octaves lower than normal, muttering incomprehensible words. “I have been falling in love with you perhaps for the past 13 years and I was dumb, I was blind.” Taeil’s hands landed on the sides of his face, gently cupping his cheeks, denying with his head and shushing him. “And now I’m gonna lose you, I couldn’t stay quiet and now both of us are hurting.”

“You’re not gonna lose me, Yongie.” Taeil’s cracked lips pouted, splattering a kiss on his forehead, a little smile resting on his lips.

“Of course I am! I was gonna keep it to myself because I can’t imagine my life without you but I was scared, I was terrified.” Taeyong couldn’t stop talking, hiccuping in between his phrases, tears falling down like a waterfall. His lashes flickering as he gazed deep in Taeil’s eyes, like he wanted the other one to feel what he was feeling, see what he was seeing. “But I realized I couldn’t keep such a huge feeling from you, you’re my best friend and I fucked up. You can’t be friends with someone who has feelings for you.”

“You’re right, I can’t.” Taeyong’s sobs stopped for a while, his mind trying to process what his ears just listened to. “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore, Taeyong. It’s been 13 years that I want to be your boyfriend.”

“W-what do you mean?” Taeyong stuttered, shrinking as Taeil lifted, his hands rubbing the soft skin of Taeyong’s neck, gently bringing him closer.

“I am in love with you too, Lee.” Taeil replied, and it was like a knife came straight to Taeyong’s chest, but instead of blood he was bleeding rainbows and lollipops. “I have been for the past 13 years and every year, when you leave, I think I’ll get over it. But it only takes 2 seconds looking at this pretty face of yours for me to melt down and crawl back to you.” Taeyong was definitely crying right now, but Taeil wasn’t scared anymore. He knew it was tears of joy, of relief, from knowing that he wouldn’t lose his best friend. Taeil’s arms screwed around Taeyong’s neck, sticking their foreheads together. “But you built a wall around you, you never let anybody love you, so year after year I convinced myself you would never feel the same and tried to move on.”

“I’m so stupid.” Taeyong replied, a little chuckle soothing the air. Taeil couldn’t stop himself from smiling too.

“Yes, you are.” The older agreed, kissing the tip of Taeyong’s nose. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does, because this – ” He touched the left side of his own chest and repeated it with Taeyong. “This is what matters now. You and me.”

Taeyong closed his eyes, resting his hands on Taeil’s waist, feeling his scent so close to him like never before and he knew he found peace. Happiness was having his hyung around his arms, cutely moving his hips side to side as Adam Levine’s voice echoed through The Bay sound system, Taeil’s soft voice humming Sunday Morning’s lyrics close to his ears on that warm and joyful tone that only he had. Nothing else mattered, not even the fact that they were both boys or that they lived 454 kilometers away from each other, he only cared about Taeil’s mellow songs and his chapped lips.

Something was changing and Taeyong could tell what it was. He was happy, stepping slow on a nostalgic waltz, feeling his chest bursting into that feeling of being complete and he wished he could pause this moment and make a living on it. Everything was different now, and even though he hated changes, he couldn’t think of a better one when Taeil’s soft lips were attached against his own.

Something was changing, but it felt quite good in The Bay.