Work Text:
Hi Roman:
Yeah, I know what you are wondering, “why is Julian writing me/sending me a letter?”, well I have something to tell you and I’m doing it in this way because, for me is really hard, it’s something hard to say and is funny or absurd, cause usually I feel really good and confident when I talk with you, I even feel comfortable. But this is not a talk about our days, your jeans, our friends or families, is about… Man I’m such a coward, I don’t know how to say it and in part is because I don´t know how you will react, but just know that you can react in the way you want. I mean, I know that our friendship will change and that things will be awkward after you read this letter and that is what makes this so difficult. Just picture this, I expend like 20 minutes deciding how to start the letter… dear Roman sounded cheesy, hi was so impersonal, Roman Burki was to serious, Roman was so cold, so I went with Hi Roman, so you know I’m serious but still friendly and now I´m wondering if you felt that way or if it was awkward to you. Gosh, now I’m tempted to erase the word serious, but I kind of make me promise to myself that I was not going to erase any word, so you know that I’m talking from my heart, well writing you this letter from my heart.
OK, here I go. You should already know that you are really special and important in my life. Meeting you, sharing the “I’m new at BVB and in the city” period with you really help me to adapt to the club and to the city, so I’m really grateful with you for that. But we are not only teammates, we are friends and your friendship is, it’s mean the world to me. And we’ve been friends for some years now, and in this time neither of us has had a girlfriend or a partner or someone like that, and we haven’t really talk about it, because I guess we are focused on our careers and kind of happy being singles, well, at least I’m, I was happy with that. But everything has changed.
I want to tell you something, I don’t know what is going on in your mind right know and it’s frustrating, but that’s on me because I chose to tell you this on a letter instated of talking to you face to face, but at least, this was I can talk, well write without you interrupting me. And it’s not like I don’t want to hear what you have to say about this, I just need to say this in one go because is already hard to order my ideas, express them, put them in word and actually writing the words. But, I hate how easy I get distracted, sorry for that, but you already know that I can divagate too much.
But what I want to say is that I’m queer. Not sure if gay, bi or pansexual, just not straight. You know that I love overthinking and in the last weeks I’ve been reading a lot about it and yet I can decide which tag suits me better, so for now queer is.
But I’m not writing you this letter to tell you I’m queer, that could be easy, I would tell you that face to face. This is more complicated.
OK no more lines, no more avoiding the important here, OK here I go. Hope you are ready. I’m writing this because I love you, I’m in love with you. There, I have said it. Now you know how I really feel about you.
And yes, love can be a very big word, a serious word, but that’s how I feel about you. I’m not exaggerating, I am in love with you.
We are friends, I admire you, I’m so proud of you, of the progress you’ve made as footballer since your arrival to the club. You are such a great guy, funny, smart, positive, hard worker, you care about your friends, your family and you are always nice with everybody. You are not a selfish person and when you come to my place for lunch and you make fun of my hair or my style, you make me happy, just fooling around, spending time together, sharing simple things and moments. And also, you already know that you are really good looking, and I’ve had a really hard time dealing with that. When I first meet you, I was like yeah this guy is really attractive and that was all, but now. OH MY, I can’t stop thinking about your small eyes, your eyelashes, your jaw, your beard and damn it, I’m really embarrassing myself, sorry if I’m making you feel uncomfortable, sorry Roman, please don’t think bad about me. Yeah, I’ve spend some time thinking about you, about your face, but that’s it, well, maybe I have wonder about how it could be if we kiss, and that’s all. I would never disrespect you, before anything you are my friend, I care about you and I could never do something like that.
I mean I do feel attracted to you in that way, like every time you look at me and smile, you make me blush and yeah, I would love to kiss you and hug you and cherish you in a different way but I know that I’m not allowed to do so, you don’t or didn’t know how I really feel about you and you had the right to knew it.
But anyway, you also have the right to reject me, well that sounded really harsh, but you can decide. That’s why I’m writing to you, now you know, and you can decide and I’m gonna respect your decision, whatever you decide.
I don’t have a clue about what is going to happen, but just know that I love you, I love you in a very pure way. I love you because who you are, just the way you are, I love you because without knowing you make me a better person, and you make me happy. I’m very lucky because I have a friend and a person like you in my life. Thank you Roman Burki, for being in my life. And I don’t know if I’m allowed to or if I have the right to say this, but I’m also really proud of being in love with you, I’m proud of have fall for you. I love you and just one more thing, if you want to talk to me face to face, text me, call me or write me a letter, its okay, you can decide that too. Please just let me know how you feel about all of this.
I was going to write have a nice afternoon, but I don’t think that’s appropriate for a letter like this one. So just, bye for now Roman.
Your friend Julian.