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Dean stared at his ceiling for what felt like forever. His clock read 3:47 pm and the minutes were ticking by slowly. The visions of tonight's nightmares replayed through his mind quickly but vividly.
Sam yelling at him because he's worthless. That Dad only kept him around because he didn't want to take care of Sam.
He turns around and there's Cas, he gives Dean a slight smile before cursing him out for making him leave his family. Yelling at him about how he should've never raised him from Hell.
Dean clenched his eyes shut before snapping them open again. He flung his legs out of the covers and puts on his robe. He trudges down to the kitchen to make some coffee, his day has started off quite early. Sam won't be up for at least another two hours and Cas, well who knows where Cas is at this point.
In the kitchen.
Cas is in the kitchen.
"Hello Dean," Cas said in his usual gruff voice, "shouldn't you be asleep at this time?"
"How long you been here?" Dean asked, wanting to avoid talking about why he hadn't been sleeping.
Cas squinted a little at Dean, "About an hour."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"It's 3:50 in the morning, Dean."
"Right." Dean made his way over to the coffee machine and made a fresh pot. He grabbed two mugs from the cabinet. "Coffee?"
"Sure."
Dean could feel the awkward tension made from the unanswered and unasked questions. He poured the coffee and sat down at the table. They sat in an uncomfortable silence until Cas decided to break it.
"Dean, are you alright? You seem... tired."
"Yeah Cas, I'm fine." he took a large swig from his mug before getting up for another.
"What happened while I was gone?"
"Nothing Cas. It was just a difficult hunt, I'm fine." Dean tried to emphasize how okay he was without overcompensating for the fact that he wasn't.
Cas nodded and looked away.
He was always doing that. What was wrong with him that Cas had to look away everytime he finished talking to him. Dean rubbed his eyes and downed his coffee. He walked back up to the counter and closed his eyes for a moment but the moment was cut short by visions of past nightmares. He groaned and poured the rest of the coffee into his mug.
"Dean are you sure-"
"I'm fine, Cas," His words came out harsher than he meant, "just tired, that's all."
"Then you should sleep, it is very early for you to be awake."
If only it was that easy, he thought.
"What do you mean?" Cas asked.
Or he thought he did.
"It's nothing, don't worry about it."
Cas tilted his head and looked quizzically at Dean. He noticed the dark circles under his eyes were more prominent than when he'd left. Dean's eyes looked distant, like he wasn't fully in the moment.
"Dean tell me what's going on."
"Cas..."
"Dean I will read your mind if you don't tell me what's going on."
Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"Okay Cas, you really wanna know? I can't sleep, I've probably gotten less than two hours of it in the past three days."
"I know hunters don't get lots of sleep but what-"
"Nightmares Cas, I get nightmares okay?"
"Dean, they aren't real."
"You think I don't know that?!" Dean pounded his hands on the table, "It doesn't matter anyways. I've been dealing with them."
"If by dealing you mean keeping yourself awake so that you don't have them then yes, you are dealing with them." Cas almost sounded angry.
"Why do you care Cas? It's not you who they're affecting."
"Because I can't watch you do this to yourself, Dean. I care about you too much to watch you throw yourself down this hole. Dean I..."
"You what, Cas?" Dean sighed.
"I love you." Cas was quiet and looked away from Dean's stare.
Dean shook his head.
"No, no. You couldn't."
"And why not?"
"Because look at me. I'm not worth loving. I'm not worth anything. I'm useless."
"Dean, why would you say such things?"
"Because, they're true. You've said so."
"I have said no such thing."
But he has, or was that in the nightmare? It all felt so real to him, sometimes it was hard to tell if they weren't.
Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder, "Dean, look at me. I love you and any nightmare you have won't change that. You've saved so many people and changed so many more's lives, so don't you dare say you are useless."
Dean's eyes are rimmed with tears, a few escape and run down his cheek. He wipes them away with his robe sleeve.
"Thanks Cas, but that won't stop the nightmares."
"Maybe this will," and with that Cas pulled Dean's head closer to his own and kissed him. Dean returned the gesture and when they pulled away he smiled at Cas.
"Maybe it will."