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They move in their own spaces.
Circling around each other. Same universe, different orbits.
They meet in crowded rooms. Always aware of where the other is and making an effort to keep the distance. There never seems to be enough air to breathe when they’re in the same four walls.
Clary can’t have him standing next to her. Even worse when she can sense his presence behind her back. It’s like they repel each other when they get too close. So, she keeps him where her eyes can track him down immediately. Across the room from her, where she observes his movements as he divides the rolls for their next mission. Factual. Voice steady. Acting like the leader he was trained to be.
Izzy squeezes her arm before they leave to gear up. A small gesture of comfort. They don’t exchange words. No room for thinking about feelings, much less for talking about them.
There’s a war going on. And emotion clouds judgement.
It’s different when they're out on missions.
Outside the institute, they don’t feel cramped. Being out in the open space has the opposite effect on them.
They find each other blindly. Through the sound of blades clashing and boots squeaking on the pavement. Smoothly finishing each other’s moves without second guessing if its skill or intuition or something else. They’re closing in on a demon side by side, shouting directions at each other, exchanging quick looks. You good? Good. Attack tactics have become their form of communication. It feels natural.
Her sword pierces right through the throat of an ungodly looking creature. It dissolves into a black goo that drips onto her fingers. She wipes it on her jacket.
Somewhere along the line Clary became numb to it all. She remembers Jace mocking her about assuming he ever had any feelings to begin with. It’s the reason she stops being scared when he cries out in pain cause she knows he’ll shrug it off and continue. There are times she can tell when he’s really hurting but its Izzy that tells him to Stay back Jace, we got this! He’s stubborn but he listens.
Everybody plays their part. Alec scoffs at them because he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, Izzy holds them together because she needs to feel in control, Jace leads because he needs to prove to himself that he has a purpose. And Clary tries to fit in because she can’t go back to how things were.
An arrow goes flying past her ear. The vibrations from the swords scratching paired with the panting of the others fighting send adrenaline rushing though her body. It’s when Clary doesn’t mind him disappearing from her peripheral. She feels stronger knowing Jace’s got her back. Invincible. There’s a faint awareness of just how close life and death are separated from each other in these moments. She doesn’t allow herself to think about it.
But then there’s times where it hits her that this mission could be their last.
It’s when she hears Izzy’s helpless scream and Alec hitting the ground hard, when Jace takes his breath in sharper than he usually would. That’s when she knows it could all be over in an instant.
Their bond is fragile. So, she makes sure to keep Jace close.
And when she can feel the fear overwhelming her, when her ego doesn’t trick her into foolishly overestimate her strength, when she’s mature enough to admit her physical inferiority to her opponent and her legs are threatening to let her down, she calls his name. Loudly. Without hesitation. Knowing full well that he will be there.
There was one time where he wasn’t there for her. Just once. Caged by three monsters, fighting his way through them to get to her but unable to protect her from taking a major hit. He still hasn’t forgiven himself for it.
On the battlefield, they’re on the same side. Same family, same blood. They don’t have time for any forceful interactions, for figuring out where they’re currently standing in their relationship. Jace swallows his pride and acts according to how much he cares about her. And Clary doesn’t care she fell in love with the boy who turned out to be her brother. She can love him like a brother if she has to.
When she calls for him this time, he’s there in a heartbeat. Arms gripping her tightly. One hand pressed on the back of her head while Clary rests against his chest, shaking. Jace is whispering It’s okay like a mantra that calms her down and grounds her. Alec shoots the last one of their attackers and Izzy hugs her big brother tightly.
They don’t exchange relieved laughter anymore but they’re all happy they made it.
Until they reach the institute.
Clary doesn’t have to look up to know Jace isn’t heading to the infirmary. Izzy told him to go multiple times on their way home, but he makes up an excuse about being too tired. Alec disappears without a word.
Izzy and Clary make their way to their rooms in silence. One of them has dark circles around her eyes from worrying too much. The other tries to put her feelings into words but fails. She must have forgotten how to. Sleep well, Clary says quietly, and Izzy responds with a weary smile.
She didn’t except to run into Jace before heading to bed, but she does. He’s standing across from her, door to his room opened just enough to make out the silhouette of a Seelie girl by the edge of his bed. Perhaps Clary only pictures her because she knows Jace hasn’t been spending his nights alone. It doesn’t matter.
He looks up at her and nods. Then he breaks eye contact. Defeated.
They’re back in a briefing the next day. Back to watching each other from a safe distance.
Jace gives orders. Clary nods along and goes to work.