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This was killing Steve. He couldn't watch Bucky with Sharon for another second. Watch him put his arm around her while she laughed at his stupid jokes.
All the Avengers were in the living room. It was there weekly pizza night. Everyone was there except Thor, who was still in Asgard dealing with Loki. The many couches of the room were filled with bodies and pizza boxes. Steve was pretending to watch the news while he listened to Bucky and Sharon banter back and forth.
"Come on babe, please hand me a soda," he heard Bucky say breaking his heart just a little bit more. Steve looked out the window and bit back a sob before going back to the tv.
"Get yourself a soda Barnes," She replied.
Bucky groaned getting up to grab himself a can of Pepsi. Sharon announced that she was going to head home, and left the room. Steve called out his goodnight with everyone else and went back to fake watching the news. Tony came and sat next to Steve on the black leather couch.He put his arm around Steve and Steve laid on his shoulder. Tony saw Bucky looking at them, but he quickly looked away before Tony could say anything. Tony was the only one who knew that he still loved Bucky. He had sobbed into his shoulder one night after Steve had asked Bucky if he remembered what it was like when they were together. Bucky had mumbled something that sounded like yeah sure before turning around and walking away. The second Bucky had left the room Steve started sobbing. Tony had run into Cap while going down to his lab, and asked him what was wrong. So Steve had brokenly told Tony everything. Everything about everything. what it was like to fall asleep in Bucky’s arms, what it was like to kiss him, and love him with everything in him. How losing Bucky had nearly killed him, and how he had thought Bucky loved him. How everyday Steve missed him so much it made him nauseous. Tony had been there for Steve ever since that night. Talking to him, listening, and comforting him the way he was now. Letting Cap know he wasn’t alone. He knew how much Steve had thrived on physical affection, an arm around his shoulders, a quick hug instead of a handshake, and he wanted Cap to not be miserable. So they frequently sat like this. Tony noticed that Bucky looked at them every time they sat like this, Steve did not.
The super soldier had thought that after Bucky fell he’d never be happy again, but then he joined the Avengers. The team was like a family to him, they made him happy. And then Bucky was alive and Steve thought everything would go back to the way it was before. He even thought it would be better, what with the Avengers, and the open mindedness of the 21st century. He had really let himself get his hopes up. He was let down significantly. Now not only did Bucky not want him anymore, but he also had to watch Bucky flirt with every girl in the city. It was his own personal hell here to torture him to death.
After a while everyone else filtered off to their separate living spaces. Most Avengers had a floor that they shared with one other person, except Tony, Steve, and Bucky. They all had an entire floor to them self. Steve had tried to reject, but Tony had winked and said that the Captain gets the best sleeping quarters.
“I’m gonna go to bed. Goodnight,” Steve said mostly to Tony.
Tony gave him a comforting pat in the back and bid his goodnight. As Steve left the room Tony saw Bucky’s eye trail after him. Steve didn’t notice. Steve got all the way to the elevator before he let his tears run down his face. He went up to his apartment and collapsed on the couch a sobbing mess. It was selfish, he thought, to want Bucky to love him. He should just be happy that Bucky is happy. Especially after everything he had been through with Hydra. Steve realizing what a shitty friend he was started sobbing harder. Stupid, stupid, stupid he told himself. Bucky is alive, and happy and that’s more than Steve deserved to have in his life. He should be okay with that. But he wasn’t because he loved Bucky.
Back on the communal floor Tony and Bucky were watching a baseball game, picking at the cold pizza, and drinking sodas. After an hour or two Bucky got up to go to his room, but Tony cleared his throat.
“Bucky, when I first saw you in the field, I thought you were a great soldier. Then you moved in here and I realized you were a great friend,” Tony started.
Bucky was surprised, but pleased at Tony’s words. “Thanks m-”
Tony cut him off, “But right now you’re being a real dickbag. I mean a total and complete asshole.”
Bucky didn’t really understand the first part, but he understood the asshole part. Buck’s eye widened in surprise, then he squinted in confusion. “I’m sorry, but how am I being an asshole exactly?” he asked still squinting at Tony.
“Well you come here after being in hiding for three years, and spending seventy years with Hydra. After a while I assumed you were here because of him. He thought you loved him way back when, but then you show up here ignoring him. And you won’t even tell him why. I mean I get that back then you were a different person, but you should still tell him why you don’t want him anymore,” Tony said through his teeth.
Bucky was even more confused now. “Um who are we talking about Stark?” he asked dumbly.
Tony looked livid. “Cap!” he bellowed at Barnes.
“Like I said it’s been seventy years,” Tony started again with a deep breath, “you’re different. He’s different. I get that. But you could at least tell him that. You know so he’s not questioning everything you said to him before.”
Bucky felt horrible. Tony was not one to talk about feelings, and him sitting here talking about how much Steve was struggling was a big deal. It meant it was getting really bad. All this time Steve was wondering if Bucky had meant any of it. He loved Steve so much back then. Still does. He never wanted to make Steve question that, he just thought that Steve had moved on. He had wanted that for him. He wanted Steve to be happy. God knows he deserved it. Steve had moved on, so Bucky was trying to stay out of his way. When Steve had asked Bucky about when they were together Bucky had thought that he was going to make sure Bucky knew it wasn’t like that anymore. Apparently Steve was wondering if Bucky had meant all that. Bucky loved Steve with all of his soul. Holding Steve in his arms, nothing compared to that. Kissing Steve’s lips, that took him higher than any drug. Talking to Steve, his Stevie. Being near Steve made Bucky’s heart soar. And he couldn’t believe Steve questioned that.
What’s worse is that Bucky noticed it. He saw that Steve’s shoulders stayed permanently slumped. How he he smiled less and less, and when he did smile they were small and forced. He had noticed it, but didn’t think it was his place to talk to Steve about it. He thought that someone else would notice soon and bring it up to Steve and help him. Probably Sam or Bruce. And if someone didn’t notice, he was going to point it out to Natasha and hope someone would help him.
“I mean it’s pretty fucked up to leave him completely in love with you when you’re clearly no longer interested. He’s been hanging on the edge of the cliff for a while now man. Pretty fucked up,” Tony added spitefully.
“I need to talk to Steve,” Bucky mumbled.
Tony snorted. This dumb ass he thought to himself. He had thought that, that much was obvious.
Bucky opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it. He started to say something and then stopped. He took a sip of his soda. Slowly he swallowed. Oh screw it he finally thought.
“Does-does he really still love me?” Bucky asked his voice small.
Tony’s eyes went wide as he realized what Barnes meant by that question. And Oh my god he still loved Cap. Not does he still love me. But does he still love me like I love him. Tony stared at Barnes for a minute before a soft yes fell through his lips. All this time Bucky thought that there was something between Steve and Tony. Tony was always putting his arm around Steve, and Steve always leaned into the touch. But Bucky was wrong. So he ran for the elevator.
“Captain Rogers floor right Sergeant Barnes?” Jarvis asked when he entered the elevator.
“Yes thank you,” Bucky replied.
His heart was racing in his chest. Could Steve really still love him? That tiny bit of hope that had appeared when Tony had said that Steve loved him was spreading throughout his body. He might be able to have his Stevie back in his arms.
When the elevator door opened into the living room Bucky could see him sitting on the couch facing away from him. The lights were off and it was almost silent. Steve turned around at the sudden noise of an arrival.
“Bucky? What are you doing here?” he asked.
Bucky walked around the edge of the couch and kneeled in front of Seve. Looking him dead in the eyes, he asked:
“Do you still love me?”
Steve’s eyes widened. He had not been expecting that from Bucky tonight, or ever really. Steve thought Bucky was done caring if Steve loved him or not. Bucky realized Steve’s eyes were bright red, he looked like he’d been crying.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said his voice barely a whisper and yet it still managed to break. Fuck it thought Steve might as well tell him everything. “You don’t love me anymore, or never did. Whichever.”
That made Bucky’s eyes fill with tears. Some spilling over and running down his face. How could his Stevie think he didn’t love him.
“Oh baby,” he sobbed.
He sat down next to Steve and pulled him into his lap. Just like when they were young and Steve was sick. Steve had his eyes shut and tears streaming down his face. He was still in his clothes from earlier. Bucky realized he’d probably been sitting there all night.
“Baby of course I love you,” Bucky mumbled, his lips against Steve’s temple.
Steve shook with a sob, and he close his eyes impossibly tighter, “Don’t say that, you don’t mean it. I know you don’t want me. You don’t touch me or look at me the way you used to. You stay far away from me all the time,” he whimpered falling forward, now laying on Bucky’s shoulder.
“Sweetheart, I do mean it. Now can you please open your eyes for me,” Bucky requested quietly.
Steve just sobbed and tried to pull away from Bucky, who held onto his waist. He was not willing to let Steve leave him. Especially when his whole body was still shaking with sobs. Soon after trying Steve gave up, burying his face into his hands while he cried.
“You don’t love me anymore,” Steve repeated, “You love Sharon, or at least you like her more than you like me. You even called her babe.”
Bucky was looking at Steve’s face. Their was so much pain there, and it’s all my fault Bucky thought. He could have died from the guilt.
“Honey I don’t want to be with Sharon. I thought you were over me so I was trying to stay out of your way, and I only called her babe as a joke. I still want to be with you,” he admitted with a whisper, “Now will you please look at me?”
Steve sniffed a little and lifted his head to look at Bucky. He looked directly into Bucky’s eyes, and Bucky stared right back.
“I love you,” Steve whimpered, finally turning his head away.
Bucky gently held Steve’s face, making sure he didn’t look away, looking into his eyes for what felt like an eternity.
“That’s all I needed to hear,” Bucky whispered gently pressing his lip to Steve’s.
Steve gasped in shock and Bucky slipped his tongue into Steve’s mouth making him moan. As they pulled away Bucky held onto Steve’s bottom lip with his teeth, pulling gently before letting go.
“Oh Baby doll. I love you so much. I’m so sorry I didn’t make sure you knew that. I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it Stevie.”
Steve shivered hearing the old nickname. “It’s okay Buck. We just have make up for lost time,” Steve replied leaning in for another kiss.
Bucky willingly obliged the blond. He kissed him deeply and more passionately. Leaving them both breathless, foreheads pressed together, with smiles on their faces. Bucky kissed Steve again, and Steve swung a leg over Bucky and got on his knees, straddling the other man. Bucky stood up holding the blond, and walked towards Steve’s bedroom, while Steve wrapped his legs tightly around Bucky’s waist. They never broke the kiss.
Bucky kicked the door closed behind them, and laid Steve down on his bed leaning over him and kissing him again and again. How many times had he dreamed of this? How many girls had he kissed wishing they were Steve back before the war? How many days since he came back into Steve’s life had he thought about kisses he had shared with Steve?
Bucky moaned when Steve slid his hands up Bucky’s back his shirt riding up while he felt every muscle in his back. He slipped his hands underneath Steve’s shirt and held on to his hips as he kissed his neck, making Steve moan deeply. He moved up, kissing Steve’s cheek, his temple, the tip of his nose, before softly kissing Steve’s lips again. Steve sighed contently against his lips. Bucky suddenly leaned back sitting on his heels.
“Stevie, I don’t want to do anything tonight,” he told the blond.
He had wanted Steve like this since he got away from Hydra, and he wanted Steve to want him too. He didn’t want it to just be in the heat of the moment, and have Steve regret it later. He wanted to wait it out, until the were both 100 percent positive and ready for it.
“Okay Buck. That’s fine.”
Bucky got up, pulling his shirt down and running his hand through his hair. Steve sat up and grabbed Bucky’s wrist before he could walk away, and looked up at him with his blue eyes wide with emotion.
“Where are you going?” Steve asked him panic spreading across his face.
“I was going to go get some blankets and camp out on your floor,” he said coming back to Steve and wrapping his arms around him.
“Can-can you please just stay here?” Steve whispered against Bucky’s chest, while Bucky ran his hands through Steve’s hair.
Bucky knew how emotional Steve could get, and how vulnerable he probably felt. He got like this when he would get back from the hospital as a teenager, and he would ask Bucky that same question. Like Bucky would leave him when he couldn’t breath. Bucky just planted a kiss on Steve’s head, and laid down on the bed, Steve following him laying on his chest. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve holding him as close as possible.
“Stay,” Steve whispered sleepily.
“Till the end of the line,” Bucky whispered back.