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“ ***** ” Indicates the beginning/end of a flashback
Moving. No matter how many times you did it, it’s never get easier. Some people think the move itself is the worst part: the starting over, the adjusting, the rebuilding of your home, but that’s not how you see it. In your opinion, the worst part about moving was the packing leading up to the move. Every time you packed, you were reminded of how your entire life could easily fit into a few waist high moving boxes and a couple of suitcases and it always made you feel... insignificant. It was as if all you had to offer this world after all of your years of being alive was in these boxes and that was all there was to you.
You turn away from the stack of boxes lining the wall of your small living room and shuffle back into your room. You should really stop thinking that way, but it’s so hard not to when you move to a new city and unpack just to repack and move again a few months later, all the time, like clockwork. In fact, this was probably the longest you’d ever spent in one place, seeing as your Dad’s job had required you and your family to move constantly since you were a child. This was your first time living on your own and you’d hoped that that would mean that you could finally lay down some roots and settle down but evidently that wasn’t the case.
Your room was almost as bare as the rest of your apartment, aside from the array of clothing scattered across your bed and on your chair. Just from looking at the scene you could already feel the exhaustion that you’d have to endure while cleaning it up. But it was all worth it to find this outfit, you think to yourself as you spin before the mirror.
You were wearing a dress that’s been hiding at the very back of your closet, one you’d almost forgot you owned. It fit you like a glove, accentuating all of your curves perfectly while also bringing out your eyes. Looking at your reflection, you might have even believed that you were ready for tonight, but that was so far from the truth.
*****
“Can you choose someone other than D.va for once? There’s already two tanks on your team, you need another offense player.” Jungkook says from the other side of the couch and you scowl in response.
“Can you leave me alone? I like playing D.va, okay? Besides, I’m on play Vs. AI, so it doesn’t matter.” You huff and Jungkook just shakes his head disapprovingly.
“You and Tae, I swear. There are other characters that are so much more fun to play that would actually benefit your team.”
“Give me a break! I’m still learning the controls, okay? You just want me to play Widow, don’t you?” You narrow your eyes slightly in his direction, and he scoffs at your expression then turns back to the screen.
“No I don’t. You’re on attack, there's no point to you playing Widow.” He says matter-a-factly and you roll your eyes before he continues, “I just want you to try other characters and actually have fun.”
“I am having fun!” You protest, but you're just greeted by another shake of his head.
“Sure.” He says, clearly unconvinced, but too tired to argue with you. “Whatever you say.”
You manage to stick your tongue out at him before hastily turning back to the screen as the countdown to the start of the game begins. You were going to prove to Jungkook that you could play this damn game, no matter what he had to say.
...
Needless to say, you lost. And because of that you were subjected to an hour of Jungkook’s teasing.
“I’ve honestly never seen someone lose to the AIs that badly before,” He says, leaning forward on the table before you, “Tell me, how do you do it?”
You fix him with a hard stare trying to tell him to shut up with your eyes, but the unfazed smile he sends you tells you that it didn’t work.
“I’m talented.” You say instead and dramatically flip some of your hair over your shoulder. “You should know that by now.”
“Oh I do, but it still shocks me every time.” He responds, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “I mean the way you managed to die five times and kill no one - phenomenal.”
“Shut up.” You swat his arm as you stand and make your way back to the living room with a glass of water in hand.
“No seriously,” Jungkook continues as he follows, much to your dismay, “The way you boosted yourself right off the stage, not once but twice! It was inspiring. Almost poetic.”
You groan, “Please shut up.”
Jungkook just laughs and pulls you onto the couch, making you almost spill your drink. You make a point to scold him for that while you place is safely onto the coffee table, but he just shrugs it off and pulls you onto his lap.
He wraps his arms around you and you can’t help but tense up as the heat from his chest radiates onto your back. Recently he’d gotten more touchy-feely, wrapping his arm around you, hugging you unexpectedly from behind, cuddling up with you sometimes on the couch when you watched a move and you honestly didn’t know what to think. It also didn’t help that you may have a little bit of a major crush on him.
You were conflicted between wanting to crawl out of his hold toward the safety of your usual side of the couch, and wanting him to pull you closer into his warm embrace.
“Can you stop! The kids on my team made fun of me enough. I don’t need you to pile on” You groan, squirming in your spot after ultimately deciding that you would be much safer on the other side of the couch, away from his relentless teasing and away from his intoxicating warmth.
Jungkook just laughs and holds onto you tighter. His warm breath passes right by your ear and makes a shiver run down your spine making you tense up even more. His laugh always had that kind of an effect on you, but it was significantly amplified when he laughed right into your ear. You heart was racing at a speed you knew could not be good for your health and there was no way you were going to be able to calm down in the position you were in. You had to get out.
You pretend to playfully push your way out of his hold with an amused smile plastered on your face, but the ends of your smile twitch as you do.
“God, you’re annoying!” You exclaim.
You attempt to rush into the kitchen to find some solace, but he quickly catches up to you. He spins you around, wrapping his arms around you to keep you in place as he leans down to whisper. “You know you love me.”
Eventually he pulls back, wearing a bright smile and there is absolutely no way you can hide how red your face is. A part of you wants to pull away - knows that it’s probably best if you do, but another part of you just can’t. You’re too enraptured by the man standing before you, whose arms are tightly wound around you enveloping you in his warmth and you just feel that this is where you belong.
His words echo in your head and maybe if you weren’t so distracted by them and his sparkling eyes, you would’ve noticed the concern growing on his face. Maybe if you did you wouldn’t have been so diluted and think your stood a chance. Maybe then you could have saved yourself from your heartbreak.
“Y/n? Are you-” He starts to say, but you don’t let him finish.
“I do.” The words leave you mouth before your brain even processes them. The words catch both you and Jungkook off guard, and you know it’s far too late to take them back, but even if it wasn’t you didn’t want to.
“You do, what?” He asks cautiously, looking back and forth between your eyes.
“Love you.” You say without any hesitation. “I love you Jungkook.”
In that moment, everything freezes. It’s as if everything in the world around you is suspended by some strange anti-gravitational force, so to not make a sound during this monumental moment of yours. You were surprised by your confession, but more surprised by how natural the confession felt. Saying you love Jungkook felt as simple as taking a breath, it was just what you did, it was only natural. He’d been your best friend for years and though you’d never actually loved someone before, there was no doubt in your mind that what you felt for Jungkook was just that - love.
That feeling of suspense quickly faded however, as soon as he leaned away from you. He physically recoiled from your touch - as if he’d touched fire, but all you felt in that moment was cold.
*****
After that happened, nothing was ever the same between the two of you. The two of you still talked and hung out, but the closeness that you used to have was no longer there. Jungkook was more cautious around you. He stopped playfully flirting with you, he stopped cuddling with you on the couch and he stopped pulling you closer than normal friends would. He kept a platonic distance from you now, not that you could blame him. He didn’t want to lead you on and you understood that. You were thankful for the space because it gave you the chance to move on, but unfortunately for you, falling in love with your best friend was easy, falling out of it felt nearly impossible.
You’d been trying though, you have. You’ve been hanging out with other friends, you’ve been going out on dates with other people and you’ve tried to distract yourself with other hobbies, but no matter what you did, your mind always returned to thoughts of him. And now here you were, physically moving away before you could actually move on from him, and your need for closure was the entire reason you were in this messed up situation tonight.
You look at the clock. Jungkook should be here at any moment and all you wanted was for him to come sooner, before you started to have doubts and before you bailed on this plan all together. This had to work - you had no other choice.
You drag a nervous hand through your hair and sigh. This was really selfish of you, you knew, but what else could you do. You needed closure and you couldn’t think of any other way to get it.
“This is for our friendship.” You repeat to yourself for the fifth time today, hoping that maybe this time you’ll actually believe that.
There was a knock at the door before anymore doubts could fill your head and before you knew it, the very man occupying each and every corner of your mind was standing in your doorframe. He looked stunning, with his hair styled back and wearing a well fitted suit that he left unbuttoned just to add some of that casual handsome flare that you loved so much about him.
Before you could even greet him, Jungkook was already closing the distance between the two of you. Your entire body tenses, but as he presses his lips to your forehead, you immediately melt under the warmth
.
He pulls back slightly, but allows for his fingertips to lightly trickle down your arm before he takes your hand.
“You look absolutely beautiful, tonight.” He practically whispers as he presses another kiss into the back of your hand, sending a shiver down your spine.
“T-Thanks.” You clear your throat, “You look good too.”
“Only good?! I styled my hair for this!” Jungkook presses a hand to his chest in mock offense and you shrug then turn towards the door.
“I call it like it is, take it or leave it.” You say as steadily as you can as you pretend to struggle with your lock when you’re really taking the time to try and gather your thoughts.
You could tell what Jungkook was trying to do; just because the two of you hadn’t spoken in awhile doesn’t mean you can’t still read him like a book. He was trying to banter with you like you two normally did - before you confessed - to lighten the mood. And while you appreciated that, it wasn’t exactly easy for you to jump back into your old routine after not having spoken in so long.
But, you have to try. How else are you supposed to move forward? A little voice in your head reminded you, making you breathe out a heavy sigh.
“You alright?” Jungkook asks, pulling you out of your thoughts. You’ve probably been facing your door for longer than what could be deemed as normal, so hastily you turn around, forcing a smile onto your face.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m just a little tired. I’ve been packing all day.” You notice Jungkook open his mouth, and knowing what he was going to say you hastily clip on, “But don’t worry, I still have the energy to go out.”
Jungkook eyes you skeptically, his look of concern not really leaving his face, but he decides to not to press it.
“Alright then, let’s go?” He offers you his , which you gratefully accept.
On your way to his car, you try not to think about how perfectly your arm slotted into his and how comfortable it felt to be held by him again because that’s not what tonight was for. Tonight you were going on your first and last date with Jungkook, and one it was done, you would finally get over him.
...
The date, you had to admit was going really well. Jungkook took you to that fancy restaurant you both dreamed about going to and the food was everything you could’ve hoped for. The initial tension that had been polluting the air around the both of you for the past few months discreetly faded away as the two of you slipped back into your usual sarcastic quips and playful banter, as if your confession never happened.
Jungkook told you about the most recent kitchen disaster that happened, courtesy of his over enthusiastic roommates and you laughed at their antics. You knew no matter how many times his roommates threatened to burn down their apartment, Jungkook would still love them; they were practically his family!
You told him about the current drama that was going on between your roommate and her boyfriend and Jungkook scoffed - he knew your roommate well, so it didn’t surprise him to hear that she was fighting with her on again off again boyfriend.
Neither of you mentioned your approaching move. It seemed like a delicate topic and you’ve honestly never spoken to him about it since the first time you told him. You figured he never brought it up because he felt that it was better off for you to move, but didn’t want to openly admit that, fearing that he’d insult you. And frankly if that was the truth, you prefered it this way.
Once the check arrives at the table you raise your hand, but Jungkook quickly reaches for it, before you can even get a hold of it.
“Wait Jungkook, we should split it.” You say, frantically reaching into your purse for money.
Jungkook quickly sticks a few bills in, “Don’t worry, I got it.” He says as he hands the check back to the waiter, who you watch leave before you can even pull out your wallet.
“Jungkook, don’t be like this. We always split the bill.” You say, pulling out some money from your wallet, “How much was it?” A gentle hand reaches over and closes over your fumbling fingers before you can start counting the money you own him.
“I said, don’t worry about it.” He says before smiling, “This is a date, so let me take care of it.”
Your heart completely stops when you hear that word, and in a split second the reality of this entire situation to hits you at once, making you want to collapse under its weight.
A date.
Sure this was technically a ‘date’, but it wasn’t a real one. In fact, Jungkook wasn’t even the one to ask you out on this date. You asked him - actually, you mostly begged him.
Clear as day, the scene of you asking him flashes before your eyes. All the emotions you felt that day begin to flood in to the point that you feel like you were about to burst. That day, your anxiety, frustrations and sadness had all hit you like a tidal wave and culminated into your desperate plea.
You basically begged Jungkook to take you out on this date. You thought that if you could experience, at least once, what it would be like to actually be with Jungkook, for him to be yours and for you to be his, that you’d be able to move on without any regrets or unanswered questions. And Jungkook, being the wonderful guy he was, readily agreed and even showed tonight what a wonderful boyfriend he could be. And that very thought was what brings tears to your eyes.
Tonight, Jungkook played the role of your boyfriend so well that you almost believed him, so much so that it hurt. The way he effortlessly complimented you, held you and looked at you so lovingly, gripped your heart and forced you to unconsciously let your guard down.
Who were you kidding? This plan was ridiculous from the very beginning. This ‘date’ was never going to help you get over Jungkook. All it was, was a way for you to selfishly live out the fantasy you’ve always wanted. And if anything, all you did was fall harder.
Jungkook, being the incredibly attentive friend he is, quickly rises from his seat to try and comfort you which only made you breakdown more.
How could you have taken advantage of someone so kind-hearted?
“No stop!” You snap out between your sobs and without even having to look at him, you can tell Jungkook shrinks away.
After a few minutes, you finally manage to calm down a little bit and slowly, you lift your eyes to see Jungkook crouching beside you. You notice how he hesitantly shifts his weight from one foot to the other, while nervously fiddling with his tie, and you instantly feel another wave of guilt.
“I-I should go.” The words stumble out of your mouth, just as clumsily as you rise from your seat and you hastily make your way out of the restaurant, ignoring Jungkook’s protests.
It isn’t until you push through the doors and feel the bite of the cold night air on your cheeks, that Jungkook is finally able to stop you. With a half-hearted pull, you try to pry your wrist free from his grasp, but you know there is no point and you are far too tired at this point.
“Please let me go…” Your voice breaks as you say this, but still you push forward. “Haven’t I caused you enough pain?”
“What are you talking about?” Jungkook asks and with a frustrated groan, you spin around to face him.
“What am I talking about?! Jungkook I’m talking about all of this! This stupid date, this tension that constantly been between us, the fact that you can’t even look at me anymore without feeling guilty, it’s all my fault! All because I couldn’t keep my damn emotions to myself!”
Jungkook’s mouth opens, as if he’s about to say something, but you immediately cut him off.
“Just stop.” Your voice wavers as tears threaten to spill from your eyes once more, “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you…” The last part you breathe out, barely above a whisper, but from the way Jungkook’s jaw clenches, you know he heard you.
“Y/n…” He says stiffly, but you continue as if uninterrupted.
“You’ve been such a good friend to me, all of these years and I didn’t want to risk losing you, so I tried to get over you. I tried everything.I even drew up this stupid plan…”
A melancholy chuckle leaves your lips. “But it didn’t work. I still love you, and I can’t stand it anymore.” You gather up all of your remaining strength to look up at Jungkook one last time before you say the words that have been ringing in your mind for months.
“So please, just let me go.”
Jungkook freezes when he hears this and you take that opportunity to free yourself from his grasp and run over to the first taxi you can find. After giving the taxi driver your address, you vow to quickly pack up your things and leave on the next train out of town.
You were running away. It was immature and you knew that, but you couldn’t stay in the same city as him for a second longer. It just hurt too much…
…
By the time Jungkook was able to gather his senses after hearing your words, the taxi you’d gotten into was no longer in sight. You were long gone, and that realization hit him so hard that his knees gave way.
He didn’t even feel the pain the impact, or the pain that came after as he beat his frustrations into the ground below him. All he feels was the ache in his chest after watching you leave.
All this time, he’d been concealing his feelings with the hope that this would never happen. And even though he knew that if he’d just said something - told you how he felt - that you wouldn't leave,but he just couldn’t do it.
So all he could do was grip at the pain in his chest as you grow further and further away unconsciously taking his entire heart with you.