Work Text:
Hakyeon knew something was off as soon as he sat down. He knew the place by heart and even the slightest change - no matter how unnoticeable it may be - was enough to keep him on edge. There was always the chance that someone may have followed him, but so few people knew of this place it was highly improbable they knew he’d be there.
The hot air in the room was not the only reason why he was sweating, his instincts were keeping him on edge. Feigning disinterest, Hakyeon looked at the other two people waiting with him - it seemed like the usual crowd. He knew this had probably more to do with the fact that it was his first night off after three weeks of continuous work - he actually once broke the nose of a guy asking him for directions - than with the middle aged salarymen sitting in front of him. Hakyeon took a deep breath and relaxed in his chair.
By the time Hakyeon reached the restaurant, he was more than exhausted. Being a single parent without having chosen to have kids was draining. Not only had his kids ruined his relaxing evening, they decided to do it each in their own personal way. Sanghyuk had called the spa and told them they had lost their child called Hakyeonie and requested he be called through the loudspeakers; Hongbin changed his massage appointment for a menstruation soothing therapy session; whereas Wonshik actually went there, broke into his locker, stole his clothes and left him a flowery yukata. Damn him and his caring nature. Good thing he still could rock that yukata. Even while ordering he kept thinking about how the others were doing - mostly to strangle them himself at the first chance.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
guys guys guys guys
guys guys guys
guys
guys
guys
guys
Guys
Guys
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
guys
GUYS
Sanghyuk :
What
Lee Hongbin :
Sanghyuk, we told you, never answer when he is being a drama queen.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Screw you and listen to me
Sanghyuk :
He is never NOT being a drama queen
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
SCREW YOU GUYS
NOW LISTEN
Sanghyuk :
See? Told ya
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
GUYS I AM AT MCDONALDS
Taekwoon.
IS THE MCRIBS BACK???
Kim Won$hik :
Hakyeon, it’s not your cheat day!!!
Jaehwanieヅ :
Is the cute cashier there??❤
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
GUYS
Lee Hongbin :
Can you FUCKING TELL US ALREADY
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
There is one here
Jaehwanieヅ :
ONE WHAT
Sanghyuk :
One narwhal. It’s finally happening
Lee Hongbin :
If it were a narwhal, he would have sent us a video singing the song.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
If I were seeing a Narwhal at mcdonalds I would be worried about how the fuck he got here from THE FREAKING ZOO
Lee Hongbin :
You cannot find narwhals in a zoo you uncultured harlot, they do not thrive in captivity.
-A few minutes pass-
Lee Hongbin :
UNLIKE YOU, YOU OVERBAKED NUGGETS, I ENJOY READING
Sanghyuk :
About narwhals?
Lee Hongbin :
ABOUT ANYTHING
Jaehwanieヅ :
Did you know that their horn is actually a tooth?
Lee Hongbin :
It’s not a horn it’s a tusk, you muffin
Kim Won$hik :
HOW DID THIS TURN INTO A NARWHALS MASTERCLASS
Taekwoon.
Hakyeon, you haven’t answered about the Mcribs
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT WHO IS HERE
Sanghyuk :
Not really
Kim Won$hik :
Nah
Lee Hongbin :
Pass
Kim Won$hik :
Wait…
what do you mean, a tooth???
Hakyeon decided to vent his anger at the sweet-sour sauce. But as satisfying as drowning nuggets may be, he was still paying very close attention to the shady guy sitting by himself in the booth next to his. His whole aesthetic was screaming “From dusk till dawn” and Hakyeon couldn't help but roll his eyes. He got the appeal of wearing all black, but wasn't a leather trench coat overkill? A vampire should have had centuries to acquire some taste. Although, on second thought, if they allowed the ‘80s to happen he wasn't sure how much taste they could actually have. He shivered at the image of hunting with a perm, shoulder pads and leg warmers. Wonshik would probably enjoy it.
Another nugget drowned. The guy wouldn't even bother to fake-eat something off his tray, which made sense since his whole vibe screamed “scone of the underworld”. Hakyeon scoffed; he was trying too hard, it was actually a miracle that there wasn’t a train full of hunters ready to play Mikado with the guy’s very dead-undead body parts. Probably better for Hakyeon. He needed to blow off some steam after the prank at the spa. He needed new friends. Probably some that didn’t think that the word asset was funny because it had ass in it. Or someone who knew that the McRib always came back in winter for fuck’s sake.
Sanghyuk :
Did Hakyeon drown in nuggets?
Taekwoon.
He always uses too much sauce on everything
Lee Hongbin :
I guess we’ll have to pick up his corpse drenched in sweet-sour sauce in the morning.
Sanghyuk :
Maybe we could use the trip to get the morgue guys some peace treat. They still hate us since Jaehwan called them the “stiff handlers”
Jaehwanieヅ :
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WOULD THINK DIRTY
Sanghyuk :
EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A STIFF IS YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE DO NOT LIE
Lee Hongbin :
Still better than the time he trapped a vampire and told him he “had the right to remain dead”
Jaehwanieヅ :
HE DID!
Kim Won$hik :
He once told the boss that STD stood for “see the details”
The boss used it for weeks
I had to hold my laughter so much I popped a vein in my eye
Taekwoon.
I thought that happened because you tried to lift way over your abilities
Kim Won$hik :
...
That too
Sanghyuk :
I don't want to alarm anyone, but Hakyeon still hasn't said anything. Should we worry?
Lee Hongbin :
Hakyeon has been silent for over 12 minutes. He is either dead or someone cut both his hands off.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I am not talking to you anymore, since you don't care about what I have to say
Jaehwanieヅ :
Was that the secret to get him to shut up????
Lee Hongbin :
Doubt it. We have never cared but he still wouldn’t shut up.
Kim Won$hik :
WHEN WAS THIS INFO WHEN HE KEPT WAKING ME UP AT 6AM BECAUSE HIS CURTAINS WERE CREATING A HEART-SHAPED SHADOW ON THE FLOOR
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
SHUT UP THOSE PICS WERE TUMBLR WORTHY
Hakyeon directly started drowning his fries into what Taekwoon would qualify as a barrel of ketchup. He kept thinking about them being his friends, and every time he could picture their whiny voices who did not appreciate his input he just dunked the fry deeper into ketchup. It was kind of therapeutical.
Hakyeon looked at the vampire again. He looked like he was about to start singing “Welcome to the black parade” any minute. Hakyeon felt the tingly sensation in his limbs the adrenaline of hunting gave him. He put down his phone and decided to observe his prey. It may have been his night off, but Hakyeon was a professional. Hunting vampires was no joke and it deserved to be taken seriously as it posed serious dangers. Thankfully, Hakyeon never left his house without his two weapons: a humongous silver wrench and his small portable flamethrower. Carrying a gun would have been too noticeable, and a crossbow was just too much of a hassle, since it took longer to reload than to just burn the suckers. (Hongbin still thought he could have chosen a stake for practical reasons, however Hakyeon considered himself to be an exquisite hunter, and he loathed his work to be sloppy. Maybe what Hakyeon thought was inconspicuous was a huge flame pillar in the middle of the night.)
The feeling of his small silver chain on his wrist was reassuring him that he was prepared.
Lee Hongbin :
That’s it. We are gonna have to bury Hakyeon smelling like sweet-sour sauce.
How the fuck are going to explain it to his mum?
Jaehwanieヅ :
She’ll probably think he finally stuffed himself with mcdonalds sauce to death
It was bound to happen
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I am going to murder you
Jaehwanieヅ :
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SINS ;;A;;
Kim Won$hik :
Yeah right, we’ll call you jaehwan-martyr from now on.
Sanghyuk :
It’s not like we had to work from starbucks for a month because you told the IT guy he HAD TO PEDAL FASTER SO YOU COULD WATCH A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF A MONKEY AND THE CONNECTION WAS TAKING TOO LONG
Jaehwanieヅ :
I am sorry, but if he doesn't see the humor of a monkey dancing in a tuxedo, that’s his problem
Sanghyuk :
HE HAD BROKEN BOTH HIS LEGS SKIING THE WEEKEND BEFORE JAEHWAN YOU CAN’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
IS THAT WHY HE KEPT ASKING HOW MANY KBPS WE NEEDED EXACTLY?
Lee Hongbin :
It’s not his fault you said 2.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
IT TOOK ME THREE DAYS TO CHANGE MY PROFILE PICTURE ON FACEBOOK
Kim Won$hik :
I liked the one you had before better anyways
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Btw, if you are all on duty, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL CHATTING THE NIGHT AWAY?
Kim Won$hik :
Relax, it’s a quiet night
There is nothing going on
Lee Hongbin :
Yeah, with the full moon the streets are too filled with werewolves for the vampires to bother to come out.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
And what about hunting werewolves?
Jaehwanieヅ :
AND DOING THE JOB OF THE DOG POUND? HELL NO
Sanghyuk :
Jaehwan doesn’t want to smell like canine food at the end of his shift
Hakyeon couldn't help but feel dumbfounded by the unprofessional attitude of his team. He had raised them better than that. (Not literally, of course, but he had learned to see past that.)
Taekwoon.
Hakyeon, you okay?
I am starting to worry
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Yes, thank you for asking
I am, unlike you lazy bastards, doing my job
Lee Hongbin :
You do not do your job properly when you are working, why would you do it on your night off?
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Sanghyuk :
It means you had me kill off that Nosferatu last week for you
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I WAS TEACHING YOU AN IMPORTANT LESSON
Kim Won$hik :
Hakyeon, we all know you find them, and I quote, “icky”
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
A NOSFERATU WOULD RUIN MY BOARD’S AESTHETIC
Jaehwanieヅ :
What board?
Taekwoon.
Don’t ask
Never ask
Why did you ask
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
My pinterest board
Lee Hongbin :
We may need some context here, Hakyeon.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
…
…
…
I have a pinterest board with all my killings
- Silence -
Sanghyuk :
So, Jaehwan, did you finish yesterday’s paperwork?
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Wait
Jaehwanieヅ :
Actually I wanted to ask for your help for the report
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Are you not gonna say anything?
Lee Hongbin :
I’d rather forget you ever said that, tbh.
Taekwoon.
I wasn’t here
Kim Won$hik :
I am looking for the “disappointed but not surprised” meme
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Just FYI, it is a good way to keep track of your work
Jaehwanieヅ :
Is that why you are always taking selfies while working?
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I am gathering important information to improve my professional efficiency
Lee Hongbin :
So that’s what you call dragging the roasted vamp body until you find a better “Instagram background”.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I just want to make sure the sun hit the vamp so that he is 100% dead!
Sanghyuk :
Hakyeon…
Hakyeon could tell that he did not have enough ketchup to get rid of his frustration. His team did not understand him, the vamp just didn’t leave and adding any sauce to his McFlurry was out of the question. Hakyeon needed to stab something and the vampire blasting Nickelback seemed to be volunteering. But Hakyeon knew he needed to wait. He couldn’t just walk up to him in the middle of the restaurant (Hakyeon was probably the only one in the world that referred to a McDonald’s as a restaurant) and just swing his wrench at that painfully obvious vampire.
His phone kept buzzing, his team probably spamming the conversation with thousand of stupid messages. Hakyeon crossed his legs in a futile attempt to distract himself from the annoying noise. He took another sip of his drink (no straw for him, they were destroying the environment, thank you), and wondered about how he should proceed. Calling for backup was out of the question, mainly because he didn’t want to listen to all the nagging because he was working on his night off, but also because he didn’t want for his so-called friends to have the opportunity to take a picture of him in his current outfit. A flowery yukata was definitely not McDonald’s appropriate, and the one Wonshik had chosen was most definitely not matching his shoes. By the time the vampire stood up, Hakyeon had already planned seven outfits in his mind that would look way better. Had he been more focused on what shirt suited his silver Birkenstocks better, he would have missed him almost completely - vampires and their stupid speed -. It took Hakyeon less than a minute to follow him into an alley and another minute to tie him up with his silver chain. What did take him a bit longer, however, was to realize that the silver chain simply rested on his prey’s body, void of the usual sizzling sound of burning vampire flesh.
“What the-”
Hakyeon wasn’t able to finish expressing his incredulity, for the buzzing of his phone somehow became more and more insistent. He opened the conversation just as Jaehwan sent what seemed the thousandth text.
Jaehwanieヅ :
So that’s why I am not allowed in taco bell anymore
Sanghyuk :
At this point I am not even surprised
Lee Hongbin :
I am not reading 491 messages if that’s the final statement.
Taekwoon.
You are off better than any of us
I will never be able to un-read that
Kim Won$hik :
Jaehwan, you have ruined guacamole and slushies for me
For ever
I just
Jaehwanieヅ :
I was very naive back then
Sanghyuk :
When was that?
Jaehwanieヅ :
Last year
Lee Hongbin :
Of course.
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
WHAT. THE . ACTUAL. FUCK.
Kim Won$hik :
There he is!!
We were betting if you had drowned in bbq sauce or in ketchup
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
I was actually hunting a vamp
You know, like we are supposed to
But the silver chains don’t work
“Excuse you, but, WHAT THE FUCK?” Hakyeon was almost surprised at the vampire’s ability to talk.
“Just a second, I need to answer this text.” Hakyeon typed a quick answer and turned to his prey.
“Listen, I don’t know what kind of kink this is supposed to be, but I have places to be so… could you get this chain off of me?” A very eloquent vampire, apparently.
“Kink?”
“I don’t know, man. The flowery bathrobe, the chain, the lighter… Is this supposed to be a 4chan thing?”
“I’ll have you know this is a yukata. And I have no clue what you are talking about.” Right at that moment, the vampire’s phone started ringing. “Do you have Linkin Park’s Numb as your ringtone?”
“No, that’s my alarm. My ringtone is With me by Sum41. Can you let me go now?”
Hakyeon took another careful look at the guy. He was wearing checkered skinny jeans, a studded pink belt, snake bites and the infamous leather trench coat.
Hakyeon was almost too afraid to ask. “What is your notification tone?”
“The Kill by Thirty Seconds to Mars. What’s this obsession with my tones?”
“The silver is supposed to burn you.”
“No, my Nightmare Before Christmas’s pendant is made of silver and it doesn’t burn me. Could you tell me what this is supposed to be? Are you discriminating me because I am expressing my feelings through my clothes?”
“Oh my god. You are emo.” Hakyeon was speechless.
“I find that term derogatory.”
“Oh my god.”
Kim Won$hik :
So?
Did you kill that vamp?
⋆⋆hakyeonie⋆⋆ :
Well actually…
Sanghyuk :
This is gonna be good.