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So, you got all that? Jason asked in a serious, business-like tone.
He was sitting across from Janet at a picnic table outside The Harold of Sandwich, one of the many sandwich shops in the neighborhood whose bread always seemed to be just a little bit stale.
Janet nodded. “Yes, Jason. You don’t need to repeat it. Again.”
“Oh fork this is too fast, way, way too fast, no this is NOT okay right now.” Chidi yelled, white knuckling the seat in front of him in a death grip.
“You know, this reminds me of the time when I rode in Tony Stark’s car in New York City.” Tahani calmly said, while looking outside of the window.
“Tony Stark?! Dude, you know him?!”
Tahani turned her attention away from the window. “Oh Jason, my apologies. I met Robert Downey Jr. I always forget that he preferred that people call him by his stage name.”
“Janet, since when is there a race track in the neighborhood? I don’t remember seeing one on the map in Michael’s office when I was helping him with examine some of the bread limbs that fell off of, as Michael called it, the Ooten Buten the Magical Gluten Monster, a few days ago.” Eleanor asked over Chidi’s screaming as they took a hard left turn.
“Since about fifteen minutes ago. Jason wanted me to model the race track and car that I'm driving over his grandfather’s, brother’s, uncle’s, kidbrother’s twice removed very illegal race track that they used to race equally street illegal cars for Jacksonville tickets.”
“Bortles!” Jason screamed from the front seat, throwing his hands up in the air, like he was on a roller coaster, as the car turned violently to the left again.
“Of course Jason’s family did that.” Eleanor rolled her eyes. “But, how do you know how to drive, Janet?”
"I’m a Janet, Eleanor. I can do anything.”
“I supposed I set myself up for that one.”
“See! That was me being sassy! I’m trying to learn how to do it." She turned to the left again while screaming "Wheeee!" "But, Jason and I watched all of the Fast and Furious movies while in his bud hole one night, which helped me to really learn how to drive.”
“I guess that explains your reckless NASCAR-esque driving technique, Janet.” Chidi yelped while scrunching his eyes closed.
“Correct, Chidi.” Janet beamed.
The car weaved in and out of strategically placed, purple sparkling cones that had seemingly magically appeared on the straightaways of the track after their last left turn. Eleanor looked to the right and saw that, for whatever reason, Michael was in the stands waving at them.
“Fork! This is tortuous and torturous. I did not imagine that paradise would be full of reckless behavior. This is why I hated driving while I was on Earth!”
“Chidi, dude, relax and enjoy the ride.”
“I must say, Janet, your driving is quite a bit reckless. I’m not entirely sure I agree with all of the weaving in and out, especially when we’re the only car on the track. And who put these cones here? They're simply dreadful.”
The three of them continued yelling either at Janet or each other as the car continued its pattern of weaving in and out of the cones and turning left violently.
“Son of a bench!” Eleanor yelled as everyone, save Janet, stopped yelling and looked at her. “Janet, the next time we approach the stands, stop there.”
“Okay, Eleanor.”
The car lurched to a stop a few seconds later. Chidi said a not-so-silent prayer as Eleanor got out of the car. As she slammed the door, her blonde hair whipping in the breeze, she locked eyes with Michael, her electric blue eyes blazing.
“Oh, Michael.” Eleanor put on her best call center voice. “It would do you a world of good if you would get the fork down here.”
Michael put on his best “Good Place Architect” smile and walked down the stands until only a fence separated him from Eleanor. “Yes, Eleanor?” He began sweetly. “How may I be of service?”
“You thought you could seduce us with how forking nice this place is, but, I see right forking through your lies.”
Michael’s nostrils flared, but a glimmer of his smile and innocence was still plastered on his face. “What exactly do you mean by that, Eleanor?”
“This,” she spread out her arms, “is the bad place. Isn’t it, Michael?” she crossed her arms, boring her eyes into his, the rest of the gang standing outside of the car with wide eyes and open mouths.
Michael’s now current smile was quite unlike his ‘Good Place Architect” smile. It was far more sinister. Far more evil. Far more demonic.
“Oh, Eleanor, you delectably, clever, little so-and-so.” He grabbed the fence with his hands, but didn't get any closer to Eleanor. “How did you figure it out? This never gets any forking easier.”
“Never gets easier?” Eleanor raised an eyebrow. “The rack track? C’mon, dude. You could make it at least a little bit hard as it seems like I’ve figured it out many times before that this is the bad place. Janet was innocent in this, well, save for her driving, but the rest of us were at each other’s throats because we know exactly what combination of buttons we need to press to drive someone bat forking insane. We already know the cheat codes." She licked her lips, and grabbed the fence, bringing her face as close to the fence as possible. “Fork you, Michael. I’m glad I figured out your stupid, little plan. I’ll figure it out again, too. You’ll enjoy each and every minute of it, too. I know you will. I can see right forking through you, Michael.”
“I’m impressed that Jason remembered the suggestion about a race track that I told him about during Tahani's wine and cheese night last night. I thought for sure he would forget something, or somehow make it more Jason. But, he got every last detial.” Michael’s eyes flickered up to where Jason, Chidi, Janet, and Tahani were standing.
“You know, I thought my family didn’t own a race track. I would’ve died a lot earlier if we did.” Jason scratched his head. "Can I still get the Jacksonville tickets, though?"
“And Eleanor,” Michael turned his gaze back to Eleanor, pulling himself towards her until he could see how wide Eleanor's pupils were, violently rattling the fence in the process. “I can see right through you in nine different dimensions," His face flashed a quick moment of surprise that was gone as quickly as it came, "and let’s just say that you must be awfully excited right now as you’re practically dripping in excitement.” He growled, punctuating the p in dripping.
As Eleanor’s eyes grew wide and her lips parted, Michael snapped his fingers.