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Alec sighs as he sits down on the edge of the bed, his head resting heavily in his hands. He thinks about leaving and going back to the Institute while he still has an ounce of dignity left, but he can’t. Right now he wants nothing more than to avoid Lydia for as long as possible, because she has the uncanny ability of knowing whenever Alec’s sad. And then she makes him actually talk about it. It’s horrible (the real reason he doesn’t want to leave is because the Institute doesn’t smell like Magnus).
He looks down at the floor and sees Magnus’ sweatshirt, a plain black pullover with silver sparkles covering the front. It’s probably the blandest piece of clothing that Magnus owns, but Alec bought it for him for Christmas a couple years back. Magnus always says it’s his favorite. He was wearing it the night before he left; it probably still smelt like him.
Alec wants to wrap himself up in it.
He feels tears running down his face and he angrily wipes them away, silently berating himself. Magnus has only been gone for a day, a singular day. But he can't help it, because Magnus left mad at Alec. They'd had their first fight since getting back together and he can't help it .
But still Alec keeps trying to tell himself that it wasn’t a fight, and that it was just an opinionated conversation with raised voices and slammed doors, but he knows he doesn’t really believe it. He also knows that the reason it turned into a fight in the first places was because he’s too stubborn to ask for help when he needs it. And he keeps trying to tell himself that it isn’t his fault that he tries to care for himself on his own; he was raised to be that way. But it isn’t the truth, because anyone that knows anything about Alec knows that he loves to be helped by Magnus, that he loves to be held by Magnus, so it’s pretty damn obvious that he isn’t fooling anybody.
And that damn jacket is the closest he’ll get to Magnus holding him for a long time, probably forever, because he saw Magnus’ eyes when he left. He looked angry, sure, but he looked more disappointed than anything else, and in the end it’s that fact that hurt the most.
So in the end, he decides he doesn't care and picks Magnus' hoodie off the floor and hugs it to himself.
Alec holds it close to his face and he has to hold back a whimper: it smells faintly of alcohol, cologne, and something akin to magic, almost like Magnus was that magic. And even though he winced at how cliché it sounded, it didn't make it any less true.
He scrambles to put it on and once he does he feels a little bit better, and Alec can almost fool himself into believing it’s Magnus’ warmth surrounding him. Then he looks up to see Chairman Meow staring at him with a judgemental look that rivals Isabelle’s whenever she looks at Clary’s wardrobe.
“Like you don’t miss him, too,” Alec grumbles, and he’s pretty sure the asshole just rolled his eyes at him.
Alec glares at him as he climbs into bed, suddenly overcome with the need to sleep. He settles in on Magnus’ side, burying his face into his pillow, trying to soak up as much of his scent as he possibly can.
He falls asleep to images of yellow eyes and sparkling blue shadows.
&&
Everything was chaos. Shadowhunter fighting Shadowhunter, Downworlder fighting Downworlder, or a mix of the two. But Alec couldn’t bring himself to focus on that, no matter how much he should, because right in front of him was the man who had killed Max, the man who had ruined his life .
Jonathan Morgenstern.
The rest of the group was focused on him, too: Isabelle with her whip and a stone-cold glare, Simon with his fangs bared, Jace with his Seraph blade and Clary holding the Mortal Cup. But Sebastian didn’t seem fazed; rather, he just locked eyes with Alec and smirked. It sent shivers down his spine and made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
“You won’t get away with this, Sebastian,” Clary said angrily, voice hard.
Sebastian laughed condescendingly, as if he were humoring them. “Oh, dear sister,” and the way he said it made bile rise in Alec’s throat, “You would be surprised with what I get away with.”
Jace squinted. “What do you mean?”
Sebastian laughed again before walking forward slowly, moving his hand in such a way that made him look overly casual, like he was discussing about the weather. “Well,” he drawled, “Has nobody else noticed that your pet warlock is M.I.A.?”
Alec felt all eyes turn to look at him, but he couldn’t focus on that either. He couldn’t breathe, because he hadn’t noticed. Why hadn’t he noticed? Why hadn't he-
“Alexander.” Alec felt his breath hitch, because Sebastian had said it in a way that could only resemble Magnus. “Your boyfriend’s dead. Thought you should know.”
He felt time stop. “Alec-” he heard Isabelle start.
“And by the Angel,” Sebastian interrupted with a smile, “His screams were probably the most beautiful I’ve heard in a long time. I think he was my best project.”
Alec felt his face drain of all color. Project . Before he could even think too hard about that, his mind was flooded with images of Magnus’ torture and when he looked up, he saw Sebastian smiling. He was doing this, he was flooding Alec’s head with visions, with memories , of Magnus’ torture.
After a minute he fell to his knees, screaming.
Magnus being whipped.
Magnus being drained of energy.
Magnus being-
He wakes up screaming.
He shoots up like a bolt only to collide with something hard sitting on the side of his bed. He barely refrains from screaming again. Alec tries to push back, to fight back, but his movements are slow and his head feels groggy; his wrist is grabbed, tightly.
“Alexander,” the voice breathes and Alec freezes. He would know that voice anywhere .
“M-Magnus?” he stammers out, the relief almost palpable in his voice.
“It's me, my darling,” Magnus whispers, burying his face into Alec's hair and taking a deep breath.
“B-But you-” Alec breaks off. He takes a deep breath before continuing, “You were supposed to be gone for a few more days.”
“It turns out that I just can’t stay away from you, Alexander,” Magnus responds with a smile. “I simply miss you too much.”
Alec sniffs. “Really? You aren’t still mad at me?”
Magnus hums in response and reaches out to touch his shoulder. He feels himself break at the touch.
He lets out a sob and turns around, twisting and clawing at Magnus, trying to get as much contact as physically possible. Magnus simply turns him around and lifts him onto his lap, so that Alec’s straddling him. He's distantly aware of how embarrassed he would normally be in this position, but it just feels so
good
that Alec can't find it in himself to care.
"Oh, my darling," Magnus sighs softly when Alec whimpers as Magnus runs his hands through his hair. "You really don't know, do you?"
Know what? That he's awkward and useless and a speck of dust compared to Magnus? Because he already knows that, thank you very much. He has
eyes
.
But apparently what he
doesn't
have is a filter, because Magnus pulls back to look at him with shocked, wide eyes as soon as the words leave his mouth. Alec tries to duck away from them, but Magnus simply takes his head in his hands and holds their faces so close that Alec really has no other choice than to look at him.
After a few seconds of silence Alec shuts his eyes tightly because he's a coward, because he doesn't want to see the pity and disgust on Magnus' face once he realizes that everything he’s. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it.
But instead, Magnus just runs his thumbs soothingly over Alec's cheekbones and clicks his tongue chidingly. "Alexander," Magnus murmurs, bumping their noses together. "Open those beautiful blue eyes of yours for me, sweetheart."
Alec lets out a soft, broken noise as his eyes fly open. He squirms a little bit, trying to seem uncomfortable with the attention rather than show Magnus that he's craving it. But based on the warm, loving look in his eyes he already knew.
"Now what ever is the problem, darling?" he asks, words imploring but eyes gentle.
And the dam fucking breaks.
"I-I-I know I'm not that special," Alec stammers, then blushes. "I mean, I know I can fight; I'd be dead and gone if I didn't. But I'm nothing compared to Izzy and Jace -- and in more ways than just combat. I hide behind too big sweaters and I always say the wrong thing. But them? Izzy could convince the
Pope
to leave the church if she wanted and once a mundane fainted because Jace smiled at her. I'm nothing compared to that."
Magnus blinks. "Alexander-"
"But it's true," Alec practically whines. "And you could do so much better than me, I know you could. I hid you from everyone for so long, I don't even know why you got back together with me when all I do is screw things up. But I'm too selfish to let you go, and- and-"
Magnus brings his index finger up to Alec's lips, quieting him with the same efficiency that he did all those years ago, before cupping his cheek.
“It baffles me,” Magnus muses quietly, “It just completely baffles me how after everything we’ve been through, everything you’ve been through, that you still have no idea of your worth.”
Alec frowns.
"Alexander, darling ," he starts, eyes boring into Alec's so steadily that he has to look away. "You are the most selfless man I've ever met."
Alec opens his mouth to argue, because no , it's actually Magnus, it's always Magnus, but he's steaming on.
“You always put yourself first and you don't care about the repercussions. You kissed me in front of Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike, full well knowing that your parents and the Clave were watching. You were willing to marry Lydia, who’s a wonderful woman by the way, to keep your parents from forcing Isabelle into something she didn't want to do, into something that would make her unhappy even if it would make you unhappy in return. Darling,” Magnus whispers, “It is you who could do better than me.”
Alec feels his heart drop to his stomach and he sniffs, clinging on tighter. He feels his shoulders begin to shake as he frantically claws at Magnus’ jacket like a man possessed. “No, no, no,” Alec practically whines, not caring how pitiful he sounds. “Don't leave me, you can't.”
Magnus chuckles. “I wouldn't dream of it, my darling. Raziel knows all I want to do every second of everyday is make you feel loved, show you how cherished you are, because you’re so good, so amazing, and you deserve that. Alexander.” The passion in Magnus’ voice makes him look up. “Alexander my dear, you are everything .”
Alec whimpers at the words, surprising both Magnus and himself. He feels like he needs to hear it, because even if he doesn’t truly believe them Magnus is still saying them, and that’s more than Alec ever thought he would get.
“You’ve needed this,” Magnus muses, awe in his voice as he begins to lightly scratch his fingertips over Alec’s scalp.
He barely stifles a moan as he feels his eyes slipping shut. He has needed this, he realizes stupidly. He’s needed Magnus’ touch more than he’s needed oxygen, needed it more than he needed anything. He feels his body reaching for it, leaning into it, like his body habitually knows how much he craves it, too.
“Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky,” Magnus remarks quietly, like he hasn’t meant to say it out loud but can’t bring himself to stop. “How someone as kind and beautiful as you fell for a dirty old thing like me.”
Alec whines at the words, shaking his head quickly in disagreement. “No,” he breathes, still under the spell of Magnus’ hands on him, “I love you, Mags.”
He feels rather than sees Magnus smile. “And I you, my darling.”
“You love me,” Alec whispers brokenly as he nuzzles into Magnus’ neck.
“Of course I do, my darling,” Magnus responds, gently rubbing Alec’s back.
“You love me,” he repeats with more conviction, like he believes it. But he knows he never fully can, because it will never make sense to Alec how this man, this man , is somehow his.
“I love you,” Magnus agrees, kissing the Alec’s hair. “I will love you for as long as I live, Alexander, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you.”
And he did.