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it’s endlessly dark before someone opens the door. taeyong doesn’t know who, but he doesn’t have the energy to look up and see. the light would hurt his eyes anyway, after staring into empty space covered in shadows for so long.
he almost thinks the person doesn’t spot him, huddled away in the corner with his knees drawn to his chest, when the light leaves and the door shuts. he’s proved wrong as light footfalls approach him.
he’d shrink into himself if he could forget the hollow feeling of his body, but it was a suffocating emotion. yet at this point, taeyong doesn’t think he’d mind if he died.
time feels paused when the person stops in front of him, seemingly just looking at his curled up form. his tired mind whirrs to life again, filling his bones with cemented disappointment and shame. the weight of the person’s gaze feels as though it could crush his pitiful body and it seizes his lungs in a painful grip.
he wants to be alone; why couldn’t the other understand that? the thoughts in his head torture him enough while he’s by himself. he doesn’t need other people to see him while he’s in such a pathetic state. he doesn’t need other people to know how weak he feels, how desperate he is for someone to take the voices away because his own power is becoming ineffective. he doesn’t need anyone to know how hard breathing is when the tears won’t stop and the feeling of something being torn from his chest is insurmountable.
he doesn’t want anyone to offer their hand only to drop him when he can’t stop himself from clinging.
he doesn’t want anyone to know how selfish he really is, how toxic his mind really is.
he doesn’t want anyone to know who he is to himself because he’s petrified that they’ll hate him, that they’ll look at him with disgust and leave him to eat his own mind alive.
he just wants to be alone with his pain to let it kill him. he just wants someone to hold him in their arms and pull his head towards their chest and tell him that it’s okay, even when it’s not.
he wants to push the world away but in reality he just wants someone to make him feel safe.
“come here, yongie,”
the low timbre of their voice is comforting; a sound that taeyong wants to listen to. its warmth is familiar, distinct and welcoming. johnny.
taeyong’s so weak, so weak that he can’t stop himself when his heart lurches and he exhales shakily to try and stop the tears from flowing. his chest aches when he crawls towards johnny’s open arms and his head feels hot, hot, so blindingly hot.
“it’s okay, it’s okay to cry,” johnny’s voice is soft to his ears and it makes his vision blurry. he tries not to, he tries so much but johnny’s hand is stroking his back and his presence is overwhelming his senses and he can’t help it. his sobs are choked and in the back of his mind he thinks he sounds depressingly pathetic, but johnny’s hugging and cradling him tighter.
“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry,”
neither of them know what taeyong’s apologising for, but it alleviates a pressure on the younger’s heart that he hadn’t realised was there.
he hates that he relies on johnny like this, that he burdens the other’s mind so much but he’s selfish. he’s so selfish that he doesn’t want to leave his arms and instead he clings on more even when he knows he shouldn’t.
“it’s okay, baby, it’s okay, it’s okay. i love you, you know? i love you, baby, it’s going to be okay,”
taeyong cries harder and nestles further into johnny’s shoulder, staying there until his mind goes blank and his breaths are no longer laboured. he has no idea how much time passes, hiding away from the world in johnny’s embrace, but it feels like an eternity.
his eyes are wet when johnny pulls him back to wipe the tears from his cheeks. despite the lack of light, taeyong can see the tired lines of his boyfriend’s face when he gives the other a small smile. it makes guilt swirl in his stomach, sending a pang to his heart and he looks away in shame.
johnny gingerly turns his face back to him with the traces of a concerned frown on his lips. “what’s wrong, baby?”
“i...” taeyong could never lie to johnny. the gentle giant had always tried to be so accommodating to him; he had the biggest heart of anyone he knew. “i don’t want to keep burdening you with... this. whatever this is.”
he attempts to build a mental block to the feeling of disappointing johnny - they’d talked about this, after all, but taeyong knew that even with the older reassuring him that he wasn’t a burden, his insecurities would convince his feelings otherwise.
“this isn’t a burden to me, yong. you’re not a burden to me. i love you so much and i love knowing i can make your heart lighter. i love seeing you smile again, no matter what happens before that.”
taeyong notes the tears that well up in his eyes but this time he can confidently say that they’re tears of happiness and relief. happiness that johnny loves him so much and the repeated revelation that he loves him equally, if not more. relief that he’s not hated, that he’s not a burden. relief that everything might not be okay right now, but the notion that it will be.
“i love you, johnny.” thank you. i appreciate you so much.