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Silence. The world was incredibly quiet inside that car.
No one spoke, not a word was said as Juto drove past a few other cars.
He wasn’t driving fast but he looked so confident of what he was doing, Doppo thought. He looked like he knew the way out of Shinjuku so well, he looked like he was going down a way too familiar road.
Well, it made sense, actually.
Juto always drove himself to Doppo’s apartment back in the days when they were still together. He always drove himself from Yokohama to Shinjuku even when they were desperately trying to fix up things that probably weren’t meant to work. Even when Doppo started becoming more and more stressed, even when Juto got his “dirty cop” nickname, he always drove himself there and they tried to overcome those problems that quickly became burdens.
Well, he was a policeman too. Knowing all kinds of different paths seemed pretty obvious to Doppo – but he didn’t know if learning as many routes as possible was actually something necessary to be a policemen. He supposed that though, for no reason at all. And even after breaking up with Juto, he still firmly believed that. He probably felt safer in the world knowing that every policemen could have quickly helped him if he ever found himself in trouble, wherever he was. A long time ago, it also made Juto look cooler, like some kind of superhero.
It was awkward, to be honest.
Because it wasn’t complete silence. Between the two, the one who didn’t make a sound was Juto.
Doppo, in the passenger seat, was actually a sobbing mess. He was crying and shaking so hard – and, God, he was so ashamed. He hated being that weak, especially in front of someone who wasn’t supposed to be seeing anymore outside of rap battles. It wasn’t like they fought or anything else when they broke up, though. Doppo thought he wasn’t going to see Iruma anymore because it had always been like that – everyone always left him alone and Juto, always quiet, with those beautiful and yet distant green eyes, looked like he was no exception.
«I… I-I’m so sorry… I’m s-sorry…» he kept repeating those words.
He wasn’t really talking to Juto – not at all, he was just mumbling those things to himself.
He wasn’t talking to anyone, it was just a stupid habit that everyone hated and he himself hated too, and yet he couldn’t help but keeping on saying those kind of things and, God, people were absolutely right for scolding him so much, he was always doing everything wrong– he stopped.
Juto’s hand, gently wrapped in one of his red gloves, was right in front of him. He was holding a handkerchief that Doppo immediately recognized. It was a white, well-kept handkerchief made of the finest cotton on the market. The kanjis for the name Iruma Juto were embroidered on the fabric with a warm red thread.
It was the first gift Doppo ever gave to him when they started their relationship. He remembered it way too well – he could recall travelling alone all the way to the that luxury boutique andthe shivers from getting into that shop, where everything was just too expensive for a medical officer like him. And yet, he bought it anyway.
He could even remember how happy he was when he brought it to her mother to get it embroidered. Seeing that thread going in and out of the fabric was truly relaxing – his heart felt really warm. He wished he could have been just like her, such a gentle and calm person.
«… D-Do you still have it?» Doppo whispered, slowly taking the handkerchief.
«Yes» Juto nodded, keeping his eyes on the road. It was getting darker. «You can keep it, if knowing that I still carry it around makes you angry.»
«Oh, n-no… That’s not w-what I meant…» Doppo shook his head. «I’m just surprised… I’m sorry, I… I didn’t want to make you angry, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry… I’m–»
«Wipe those tears away» Juto sighed, quickly meeting Doppo’s gaze with his eyes. «And quit this habit of yours of always saying “sorry”.»
A few seconds passed.
«It’s not your fault.»
Juto probably had realized how mean he sounded – man, being with his leader really made him more rude. He had always been kind of nasty and bad tempered but it was always subtle and vague.
Doppo tried wiping his tears away but it was impossible. He didn’t want to entirely soak the handkerchief and, after all, he kept crying anyway. It didn’t matter how many tears he wiped, there were always more coming down his tired eyes.
«I could have… k-killed them…» he squeezed his eyes. He was so scared. He could have ran over those people with his car. He could have killed someone. He could have been a murderer. He could have been sent to jail.
«But you didn’t.»
The car slowed down a bit – and in that moment Doppo knew that Juto was looking at him. He didn’t have any particular expression on his face. He was just trying to make his point.
Doppo suddenly remembered why things didn’t work; with Juto always being so firm and so determined to help him, sometimes a little to harshly, and Doppo totally incapable of making him understand his problems and burdens.
Not that Juto wasn’t caring – no, he always cared for him in his own ways. He had always been enough: he cared enough, he loved him enough.
They were simply too different to work together.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault – well, actually Doppo blamed himself for the end of their relationship while Hifumi blamed Juto instead.But deep down everyone knew that it was a matter of compatibility.Sensei told him once. He also told him that every person out there in the world had flaws that couldn’t be controlled, every person in the world made mistakes that couldn’t be fixed.
“The most important thing is to acknowledge them. Forgive yourself and other people and leave every mistake, every fault behind.” Jakurai’s words echoed in his head. “People aren’t made of mistakes. And you’re no exception.”
Doppo sighed, wondering what Sensei would have told him in that moment, seeing him shaking so bad out of fear and guilt.
«Y-Yeah but… It was just a coincidence… I could have k–»
«And yet, it didn’t happen.» Juto said. His hand reached the gear and he changed it to a lower one. They were about to turn right. «Sure, it was a coincidence. It happens.»
«It shouldn’t have happened… Y-You know it too. I should be in jail or I should have at least get a ticket for what I did. Get my driving license revoked…» Doppo wiped is face again with the handkerchief. It was still soft, just like the day he bought it.
«If you’re beggin’ me to do it, just say so.» Juto faintly chuckled in the darkness. He always had that kind of bad humour. «But dirty cops don’t usually do this kind of things.»
Doppo had to admit it: he had been incredibly lucky that night. Some kind of deity must have sent Juto to Shinjuku to save him. He would have been arrested for sure, if he weren’t there, being the dirty cop that he is.
«And the guys from that group all forgave you. They saw how tired you were and I also told them you suffer from insomnia. They were scared, of course, but they said that it was fine since no one got hurt.»
Juto was absolutely right. His sharp intuition never failed. Doppo couldn’t sleep at all last night and he went through one hell of a day. As much as he hated to admit it, it was only natural for him to almost collapse from the lack of energy while he was driving.
He should have gone to work with a bus.
Juto sighed too, switching gear again.
«I don’t expect you to believe me, though.» his smirk disappeared. «I’m probably the last person you wanted to see after what happened.»
Doppo couldn’t deny that. As much as Juto tried, his words didn’t go through his mind. Sure, they made things a little bit better but he was far from feeling somewhat fine. He needed Jakurai for that. And Hifumi too, of course.
A complete silence fell upon them. At least, Doppo stopped shaking from crying so hopelessly in his seat. It was an improvement.
It took him a good minute to realize that Juto already drove past Yokohama. Time sure flies when you cry.
«Where are we going?»
«Don’t worry. It’s the least I can do.»
Doppo decided to trust him. Not like he had any other choice – as much as he wanted it, he couldn’t just open the car door and throw himself on the highway. After all, Juto had no reason to hurt him or whatsoever. True, he was a corrupted cop involved with yakuzas and other shady stuff but, deep down, Doppo knew he wouldn’t have harmed him. Probably because he wasn’t interested in his business, nor he was his crew leader.
They spent the rest of the time in silence. Doppo watched the view slowly changing in front of his tired eyes, Juto kept driving with confidence, gradually going faster. He was probably breaking some speed limits but that was expected.
The city gradually began to change. It became less crowded, the building smaller and simpler.
Every person in that town was probably sleeping, tucked under a warm blanket. Doppo wanted to be them. He wanted to sleep peacefully like them, he wanted to feel his breath getting slower and his mind finally go numb, releasing all of his anxiety and problems. But no matter how heavy his eyelids got, no matter how confused his thoughts got, he simply couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep.
He just wanted to be like them, without anxiety or insomnia. He just wanted to get some sleep – didn’t he deserve it? Was someone punishing him? For what, exactly?
He went back to reality only when the car window went down. Juto did that. The car also got slower.
Besides the silent engine of Juto’s car, there were no other sounds out there.
«Where are w–»
Juto slightly smiled again – despite all these years, his smile didn’t change at all. It was some sort of sly smirk that sometimes knew how to be honest. He brought a thin finger to his lips, silently telling him to be quiet and listen.
Doppo didn’t know what he had to hear but he waited anyway. It took him some time before he understood what Juto meant.
They were significantly getting closer. The soft sound kept growing louder and, a few minutes later, Juto silently parked the car.
«Get your ass out of there, c’mon.»
Doppo rushed out of the car. He didn’t want to make the cop wait (he already caused him too much trouble) but, most importantly, he wanted to get closer to the sea, wherever it was.
His steps were heavy and he was so, so tired, but he wanted to get there as soon as he could. Juto was walking right beside him, keeping an eye on him, closely inspecting every movement. Despite having that intimidating gaze on him, Doppo kept walking.
It was probably just a ten minutes walk but it was the longest and yet most exciting ten minutes walk Doppo ever did.
The night was darker than in Shinjuku, there were less street lights and neon signs, but he could clearly see the sea. It was calm.
The few stars were looking at themselves in that clear and yet dark mirror made of water.
The moon was shining brightly.
Doppo was speechless.
The view was simply breathtaking.
Maybe it wasn’t like the beautiful nights he used to see in films or pictures but it was… amazing, in its own way.
Everything was quiet.
The light sand of the empty beach was soft against his shoes, pushing and then hugging his feet softly.
A tender, fresh breeze slightly stroked his face – it was like a cold and yet gentle hand was caressing his cheek, still puffy from all the crying.
The waves kept calmly reaching the shore. The water played with the sand, they blended and merged together like one being, and then they parted ways, unable to stay together any longer.
Doppo smiled a bit. It was just like Juto and him. He didn’t know who was the sand and who was the ocean, he guessed that the roles switched every time. But they were similar to those things. Unable to really understand each other, to be together for a long time. And yet, they still kept going back to each other for no reason at all. Their paths, they kept crossing without even realizing it.
It was just like Jakurai-san said. It didn’t work because they were too different – but it was fine that way. They were created like that, it was meant to be.
None of them ever made mistake. It wasn’t Doppo’s fault, even though he hardly believed that. Juto was innocent too.
It was just… fate.
It was Nature’s fate.
He felt Juto’s gaze on him. When Doppo lowered his own gaze, he met Juto’s, protected by his glasses.
He was watching him smiling over his shoulder – Doppo didn’t notice until that moment that Iruma sat on the beachside a few steps ahead and he didn’t even notice that his lips were curved.
Was Juto smiling too? Did one of his warm and earnest smiles meet the darkness of the seaside? If it actually were there, was it still subtle and enigmatic like it used to?
He caught up to the cop and sat down on the sand.
They haven’t been that close in a long time, but it was kind of nice.
They didn’t talk for a few minutes, maybe ten or fifteen. Or maybe even more, Doppo couldn’t tell. But he wasn’t interested, he couldn’t care less of time flowing away like water in his hands. Words were useless – the ocean was speaking in their stead.
The waves were gently crashing against the beach. There was no human sound to be heard.
Everything, for the first time that month, was fine.
«… Ahh, Hifumi is going to hate me.» Doppo spoke in a low, quiet voice. He was kind of laughing, it was one of those genuine, soft laughs.
Juto looked at him, waiting for the other part of the sentence to come out from Doppo’s lips.
«I mean… Taking sand off clothes is hard, it gets everywhere… Wetting the clothes makes things even worse… And you don’t really know where you should throw it away.» Doppo stretched his legs, enjoying the soft touch of the sand all around him. He probably got some of it in his shoes, he could clearly feel the small grains tickling his feet through his dark socks. «You almost feel guilty because you stole something you weren’t supposed to take… from something bigger than you…»
The cop couldn’t help but smile a little. His arms were nonchalantly hugging his knees, resting on his legs.
Did he got thinner?
«Well, he’s also going to hate me because I’m so far from home… He will probably get angry because of the incident…»
«I don’t think so.»
Juto almost reached for the pocket inside his black jacket but then he stopped. He was probably trying to reach for his cigarettes but he decided to give up on the idea midway.
Maybe he remembered that smoking only made Doppo’s headaches worse, maybe he knew that Doppo was probably going to ask for a cigarette anyway.
Or maybe he was just having a nice time with just being like that in front of the ocean.
He didn’t know. Juto had always been too hard to read for him.
«I mean, you know who Izanami’s going to actually hate for all of this. Not like I care, though.» Juto laughed a bit. It was nothing but one of his casual and disinterested chuckles, but Doppo smiled anyway. Juto never laughed much.
«It’s nice here, though…»
He wanted to say “I’m sorry” to the Hifumi speaking in his head, but he stopped. Yes, he was kind of sorry but it was such a nice view and for the first time in that month, he felt at peace.
«He will see it himself» Juto shrugged, staring at the sea. «I told him you’re here.»
Doppo looked away from Iruma – as expected, he was caring in his own way.
He was going to beg Hifumi and Jakurai (was he coming along too?) to stay there a little longer. He would have even considered going fishing with them if it means feeling this god, but they would have had to spend at least one night out like this.
«… Why were you in Shinjuku? Did you have any business? You don’t have to r–»
Juto slightly shook his head and he sighed. No, he probably didn’t have any shady business for that night in Shinjuku. Maybe it was the reason why he chose to take Doppo to the sea with him.
«Samatoki and I… we got into an argument» Juto frowned, speaking in a soft voice.
«Oh, I’m… sorry, I didn’t want to bring it up.»
Juto shrugged again and then, slowly, he started massaging his temple. He always did that when he was trying to recollect his thoughts.
«I don’t even remember what it was all about. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s Samatoki’s fault anyway, but I probably got too carried away. I don’t know, maybe I was just tired and I reached my limit faster than usual while arguing with that piece of shit.»
Iruma leaned his head back, looking at the sky above them. It was seriously gorgeous, despite there were less stars than he expected.
«We were probably close to actually beat each other up. Riou stopped us and he told me to get some fresh air and that he would have taken care of the whole situation» he quickly fixed his glasses. «I agreed. It’s not like I could have done anything else, since we were at Samatoki’s place. He would have kicked me out anyway, that asshole–»
His gaze laid on Doppo, once again. It was kind of tired.
«A few hours later, I received a text from Riou. He told me that Samatoki heard your name while he was wiretapping the police with one of his underlings.»
«… D-Do yakuzas really listen to what policemen says through their radios…»
«Of course.» Juto laughed a little, again. He was so good at being sarcastic. «So I decided to drive all the way to Shinjuku. I didn’t have anything else to do and it looked like the only thing I could do to calm down. Bein’ a dirty cop has its perks.»
The policeman thought about reaching his cigarettes once again but he stopped.
The sea sounds were enough to make him feel at peace, no nicotine was needed.
Thanks to the breeze, Doppo could catch a glimpse of Juto’s cologne. It was still the same that he used when they were still together. He remembered it well – he smelled it every time he sank his nose in the crook of Juto’s neck, the scent was all over Doppo’s place when the policeman left for Yokohama. He liked it but it was way different from Hifumi’s. The two colognes reflected their personalities really well, now that he thought about it – Juto’s was subtle and fresh, overall it wasn’t strong, while Hifumi’s was sweeter and flowery.
Juto’s cologne merged beautifully with the smell of the salty water. Maybe the choice was influenced by Yokohama being near to the sea.
Doppo took a deep breath. The air was so clean, especially compared to Shinjuku’s. He could feel his nerves relax, getting all the oxygen they needed. His head started feeling lighter, it almost looked like all of his thoughts, even the intrusive ones, were all silently going to sleep. Maybe, if he could have stayed like that for a few more hours, or maybe even minutes, with his eyes closed, he could have got some rest.
Sleeping on the seaside. It sounded ridiculous but he wanted to do it so bad. He almost wanted to ask Juto if it were actually legal.
He wanted to stay like that forever, in that limbo out of the material world full of anxieties and mistakes.
«Dooo~ppo~!»
A high-pitched voice rang through their ears. Doppo immediately turned around, even though he knew way too well who was the owner of that voice. Hifumi, in his host suit, was still a bit far away but he was literally rushing to the beach. Jakurai was walking a few steps behind. He looked like some sort of guardian angel with his calm aura and his long hair blowing in the gentle, marine breeze.
Doppo was so focused on looking at them that he didn’t even notice that Juto stood up and he started getting the sand off of his clothes.
«I gotta go.»
He looked up and stared at him for a few seconds. His hands, covered by his crimson gloves, kept smacking is clothes all over to get rid of all of the sand. He was holding an unlighted cigarette in his lips.
«Don’t you want to come back with us?»
Doppo already knew the answer but he asked that question anyway. He cared too, in his own way.
«My phone has been buzzin’ for the past few minutes» Juto says, reaching for the lighter in one of his pockets. It was a metal one, it even had a black drawing on. It was small, he couldn’t catch it, but he felt like he had already seen that design somewhere. Maybe on someone’s shirt. «I bet it’s that fucker and that he realized he has fucked up. And I don’t want anythin’ to do with your crew, ‘specially with that Izanami.»
They stared into each other’s eyes. Juto looked somehow relieved that his phone was buzzing. He was finally ready to go back to Yokohama, which seemed the only place where he could fit in.
Doppo gave him a faint yet sincere smile. He couldn’t believe he smiled that much and that it was partially thanks to that man.
«Well, then. G’bye.»
Juto turned his back to him and slowly walked away. His graceful steps were totally silent, he almost looked like he was disappearing in the dark. Doppo saw him lighting his cigarette up and taking a few drags, before reaching for his phone and refusing the call that was bothering him so much. Kannonzaka knew that Iruma was probably going to call Samatoki later, once he was done with his lonely walk on the beach. He moved slowly – probably because the sea didn’t look like that in Yokohama.
As Juto’s body started slowly fading into the distance, Doppo heard the sound of Hifumi’s voice getting closer and closer. He was talking fast and he was cursing at Juto. Jakurai was probably still walking behind him, with a warm smile on his face.
Doppo casually reached for one of his pockets and then he felt it. It was the white handkerchief. He looked at it for a few seconds.
After all, they truly were like the ocean and the sand. They kept coming back to each other, without ever being able to melt together. But it was okay, they didn’t want that anymore. They found their place in the world. Doppo folded the handkerchief again and he put it in the inside pocket of his jacket.
They would have met again, he knew it.
«Thank you… I-I guess.»