Work Text:
The colour of the smoke was grey, the colour of Tyler’s eyes were brown and the colour of the burning lungs he owned were a deep, deep red.
Tyler didn’t mind so much. Red described a lot of things to him, his lungs (as mentioned before), the roses that bloomed outside, his love for and of music, and the feel of when he was holding a beer bottle in his hand. He feels red when he swishes the bottle from side to side and watches the liquid splash against the glass. A few drops would fly out, and Tyler would stare at them, before resuming swishing the bottle and sighing angrily.
See, red isn’t exactly an angry colour. Angry is passionate. Passionate is red. That’s all there is to it. Angry is not red, and red is not angry. Tyler feels red when he is angry, but angry itself is not red. He feels red more than he is red. He does not blush easily but inside it feels like he’s screaming and coughing blood up, crying tears of pain and joy and life. Death could also be red. Tyler isn’t sure about that though.
Tyler is red when he cries. His eyes puffy and swollen, and his fingers numb and red. He feels like his insides squish and the juices that come out are red. Tyler does not cry often. He is thankful for that but doesn’t show his gratefulness. Some days he feels like a sponge, used to sop up the red juices that swell up around his life. His life is not red, but aspects of it are. Naming them is harder than recognising them. His gratefulness is never shown on the days where the red is not to be seen.
-
Tyler only realised how red his life was until it came up in a conversation with Josh. He sat and pondered and answered the question, and he wished it were that simple because he never thought it wasn’t normal to be red.
“Red,” Tyler said and Josh asked the question again.
“How would you describe your life in one word?” Josh looked over at Tyler.
“Red,” Tyler looked out the window to avoid Josh’s watchful eyes. The trees swayed outside, not happily but they just did as that was what they were supposed to do. Tyler felt as if he related.
The trees, to Tyler, were a mixture of brown red. Did everyone see like that? Were the trees not a brown red, but instead a delightful grey brown that contrasted with the leaves?
“How would you describe your life in one word?” Josh asked again but his voice was shaking.
“Lonely,” Tyler answered.
-
Lonely was nowhere near close to the meaning behind red. Red was a routine for Tyler, lonely was a thing you are.
“Why red?” Josh asked the next day as they sat outside and basked in the sun in a park nearby some school. He ignored the third answer Tyler gave purposely. Tyler looked at Josh and saw the deep pink sunburn growing on the bridge of his nose. Dead skin surrounded the sunburn. He itched to pick at it.
Tyler only shrugged in response. He sat up a little straighter and sipped on his apple-flavoured juicebox.
“Why lonely?” Josh asked and pushed his sunglasses a little further up his nose, the plastic running over the deepening pink.
“Does there need to be a reason?” Tyler looked down at the grass he was sitting on. It was dead and he plucked a few strands before looking at his nails grasping onto a strand of grass.
“No,” Josh hesitated but nonetheless kept gazing up into the sky.
Tyler dug his thumb under another nail to remove the build up of dirt and saw Josh sitting beside him, his nose tinted red.
“I’ll explain it when I find the words,” Tyler mirrored Josh and squinted at the sky.
“Go get a thesaurus then,” Josh said. Neither laughed.
Josh turned up at his door holding a thesaurus in one hand.
“I did it for you,” he said, offer the book to Tyler. Tyler grasped it and pulled the door open.
Josh saw it as a gesture to come inside, to be asked what flavour cordial he wanted.
“Nah, I’m not staying for long,” but he slid off his shoes and placed them neatly by the door. Josh chose lime and Tyler chose raspberry. They sipped on their drinks whilst sitting on Tyler’s bed. The thesaurus was placed on top of another book sitting there and it looked out of place. It probably was.
Some days later, Josh entered the apartment to find it quiet. This wasn’t strange, Tyler could be taking a nap, maybe on his phone in his room, but Josh found it odd. He chucked off his shoes this time and they landed on opposite sides of the entrance.
“Tyler?” He called out as he placed his wallet, keys and phone on the island in the kitchen. He padded to the hallway and called out once more.
“Tyler?” He entered Tyler’s bedroom to find him sitting on his bed with his pants pulled down and hand grasping a hidden object.
Josh didn’t say anything, just walked over to Tyler and pulled him into a hug that was too tight.
Tyler sniffed and silent tears streamed down his face.
Josh kept rubbing his back and Tyler’s hand loosened, revealing the pricks and cuts that were not intentional but not unwelcomed. His thigh had pools of red and they slid into his inner-thigh, not like pools but like rivers. Tyler’s eyes slowly shut when Josh got up to grab a damp washcloth. Tyler was asleep when Josh cleaned up and threw the blade in the bin. Tyler was awake when Josh whispered words on his neck. Josh was asleep when Tyler was overthinking.
-
Tyler didn’t need to overthink when Josh whispered those words again the next night, and the next, and the next.
His mind was still ticking and pointing out the red, but he ignored it and instead focused on Josh. Josh’s hair was dyed red but the ends were becoming a pink and Tyler hated it. Tyler needed it.
Josh and Tyler cuddled on the couch and Tyler felt as if his insides were being squished, his red juices leaking out but not being sponged up again.
-
Pink was a nice colour, Tyler decided. It described many things, like the daisies outside, the ends of Josh’s hair and Tyler’s love for Josh. Tyler’s lungs were a deep, deep red and his eyes were brown, the cigarette smoke still a silent grey. The tips of Tyler’s fingers were pink and they nimbly held the cigarette that he dropped and crushed, and the pink of his fingers linked with Josh. Tyler found that the thesaurus stayed red and harsh but it complimented the new pink in his life, the pink that was Tyler’s be and not feel.