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Panic. You were panicking.
“Saeyoung, what the FUCK do you mean you think he’s gone?”
You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, but with your heart hammering in your chest and the sinking feeling in your stomach; you couldn’t help it. You knew exactly what he meant, but you didn’t want to believe it. Your natural instinct was to react with anger. It was the only way you could stop yourself from breaking down in tears.
“He’s not in his room, Y/N. I’ve checked all around the bunker, all around Seoul. I can’t find him. I’m scared, Y/N… I’m so fucking scared.” Saeyoung let out a shaky breath, trying his best to control his nerves. “I don’t know where else to look. Please, help me find him… Please.”
You rose from your spot on the couch, gripping Saeyoung’s arm and rushing out the door. You were going to find him. You had to find him. A life without Saeran was a life you didn’t want to imagine. He had gone through so much and made it so far. You thought he was recovering well from his previous trauma. He didn’t lock himself in his room as much anymore. Sure, he still didn’t talk to you or Saeyoung much, but he would still be close to you guys. The three of you had breakfast together every morning. He’d come into the living room and watch movies with you guys almost every night, the three of you stuffing your faces with ice cream and other sweets. He always kept a distance, but he was still there. He was still a part of you guys, even though he never said much.
He completed you . Those twins had become two pieces of your heart. You couldn’t have one without the other; you didn’t want one without the other. You needed him. Saeyoung needed him. You had to find him and you had to find him fast. “
Y/N, where are we going? Do you have an idea where he might be?” Saeyoung tried his best to run in time with you, given how tight your grip on his arm was and the fact that you were running at a rapid pace, but he couldn’t help but trip on his feet every now and then. He nearly fell on his face when the two of you came to an abrupt stop before a small forest.
“This place”, you breathed out. “I’ve noticed he comes here often.”
“How would you know that and not me?”, he asked with a puzzled look.
“Fuck, Saeyoung, can’t we just go in there and look for Saeran? He might be dead for fucks sake. Do you want to hear that I secretly follow him around? Would that make you happy? Hm?”
He flinched at your words, his expression growing even more grim. You instantly regret your words, but your anxiety was too high. You were too anxious to bother with apologizing.
You charged into the forest, the both of you trying your best to find your way through the maze of trees. It wasn’t until you two settled deep into the forest, that Saeyoung spotted it. Lying against a singular tree was a boy with silver and pink locks who appeared lifeless. A lump formed deep in your throat and you suddenly had a massive pounding in your head. Your body shook violently as you slowly approached his formed. Saeyoung was already by his side practically the moment he laid eyes on him.
You, however, were too afraid. You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes the closer you got to him. The boy you loved so dearly. The boy you held so close to your heart was now laid before you barely breathing and covered in blood and you didn’t know how to handle it. You never cried in front of the boys. You always made sure to be bright around them, no matter how much you were hurting. You knew how much they had been through and you didn’t want to burden them with your own issues. You promised yourself you’d always try your best to be the positive energy around them and you did all you could to live up to that promise.
Saeyoung cradled Saeran in his arms, talking to him; Whispering words of comfort in hopes he could hear them. “Saeran, please wake up. Please be okay. Talk to me, please. You can’t go like this. You can’t leave me like this. You can’t leave. I can’t lose you again. I won't lose you again.” His voice was desperate, cracking between his loud sobs; His grip on his other half so tight his knuckles turned white.
“Sae...young.”, the injured boy whispered in a low, hoarse voice. His fingers closed weakly around his older brother’s arms that were wrapped around him.
“Why the fuck would you do this, Saeran?!”
Both of their eyes landed on you. Saeyoung’s eyes a look of surprise and Saeran’s barely open.
“Why would you do this to me? Why would you do this to us? We were terrified, Saeran. Fucking terrified. We can’t be without you. We need you, Saeran. I need you.” Your voice choked from the sobs you tried desperately to hold in. The tears flowing from your eyes resembling that of a waterfall. Niagara Falls was practically ejecting from your eyeballs.
Saeyoung’s eyes widened from your outburst and Saeran was visibly shocked by your outburst as well, with the little bit of energy he could muster up to show expression.
“You’ve.. Never cried before”, he whispered.
Your lips trembled, voice shaky from your distressed state. “Well, congratulations, Saeran. You broke me.”
His lips curved downwards at your words. “Why would you cry for me? You’ve never worried for me before. Why do you care now? Is it because you’d feel guilty that I left? Guilty that I’d be dead and you didn’t do shit about it? I’m not here for you to play hero, Y/N. Pretending isn’t going to get you into heaven.”
“STOP.” You ran to his side, hands cupping his face. “I’ve always cared about you. Always. We both do; me and Saeyoung. The RFA care about you. So many people care about you, Saeran. I hate that you can’t see that.” You pressed your forehead against his, closing your eyes. He let out a small breath and you could feel him tense up slightly, your tears falling onto his chest and Saeyoung’s arms that were still wrapped tightly around him.
“I know what it feels like. I know exactly how it feels. To feel useless, ignored. To feel completely helpless and like everyone around you doesn’t give a shit. You feel like a burden to everyone around you. As if simply being in their presence is irritating them, though you aren’t even doing anything to make them feel that way. It’s as if your existence itself is a misfortune, right? You think things would’ve been better if you hadn’t been born?”
Saeran stared at you through lidded eyes, mouth slightly agape. He never expected you, of all people, to understand him. How could you? You were perfect. The perfect girl who came into he and his brother’s lives by pure luck. Yes, he was the one who led you to them. He knew the things he did were fucked up, but he never expected any of it to turn out like this. He never expected to leave that wretched place with that demented woman. The woman who made him believe she was saving. The woman who made him believe his brother abandoned him. He never thought you would stay after all of the things he put you through. You could have died because of him. You were constantly in danger and it was all because of him. But the worst of it all, was that he didn’t expect to fall in love with you. He didn’t deserve to love you. He was a piece of shit who tried to kill you, his brother and his friends. He didn’t deserve to love.
But he did. He loved you so fucking much and it terrified him. He’d never felt that kind of love before; and he hated it. He hated that his heart would pound every time you were around. Hated how shaky his hands would get, how he would lash out at you anytime you spoke to him because he didn’t know how else to deal with the feelings inside of him. He tried his best to push the feelings away, to push you away. Why wouldn’t you leave? Why did you always try so hard to include him in everything? Were you that stupid? He wanted you to believe that he hated you, but you’d still smile at him. You never once let your smile falter before him, no matter how harsh the words he said to you were.
But the thing he hated most, was the way you looked at Saeyoung. He knew it since the very beginning. You loved his brother. Loved him the way Saeran loved you, and that fucking destroyed him.
He still stared at you, at a loss for words. Saeyoung had calmed down a bit, still holding his brother tightly and letting out quiet sobs, listening to your words. Saeran reached his arm up to lightly touch your cheek, your salty tears stinging his gaping wounds. “You… Understand me.”, he whispered. A single tear rolled down his cheek and the faintest of smiles graced his lips. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, both of you. I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done in the past. I’m sorry for it all. I love you, both of you. I always pray that the two of you wouldn’t leave me, but I was the one who tried to leave you. I was afraid. Afraid that the two of you would abandon me. I felt as if I was getting in the way of your happiness. I know that I’m fucked up and I know that I’m a lot to deal with. I wish I wasn't so fucked up and... Fuck. I don't deserve you guys. I don't deserve to have you two care for me. I don't deserve to live. Why? Why couldn't you just let me die? Please... Let me die."
"Saeran, shut up!" Saeyoung stared at his brother wide-eyed, his grip on him tightening slightly, as if he'd disappear if he let go. "Did you not listen to anything she said? We're all fucked up. You don't know how many times I've wanted to throw myself away- to throw every thing away. I've hated myself for years. I've done fucked up things. I'm full of regrets just like you."
He let out a shaky breath before he continued, "I never wanted to leave you. Never. Those years I spent without you were the absolute worst years of my fucking life. Every day I was worried about you. I prayed every night that you were okay. I prayed every night that I'd be with you again. You're my little brother, Saeran. We're the same. I finally got you back. You can't leave me. You can't..."
Saeran stared at the older twin, tears now flowing down his cheeks. He slowly moved his arms to grip both you and Saeyoung's hands.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I wish I were like you guys. I wish I could be strong like the both of you, but it's so hard. It's so fucking hard. I hate that I made you two worry for me. I hate seeing you cry for me. I don't deserve to have you cry for me... I don't deserve any of it. I should've never been born. I'm so fucking sorr-"
"Stop apologizing! We know it's hard, Saeran. Life is hard, but you can get through this. We know you can. I know you can. The road to recovery is a long and hard one, especially when you're suffering in silence. But you don't have to go through this alone, Saeran. We're your family. We're here to help you. We want to help you. "
You placed your forehead on his again, closing your eyes, "My life was really fucked up before I met you guys. Meeting you two was the best thing that's happened to me. My happiest moments were spent with you two. I love both so much and I don't even want to imagine what my life would've been like without you guys. I need you both. I don't want one without the other... We love you so much, Saeran. I love you so much..."
Saeran pulled his head slightly to study your features, his stomach flipping and heart racing. Was that a confession?
"Do you mean it? Do you really love me?" You tilted your head, confused by his question.
"Of course I do, Saeran. We both do."
"No. Do you love me?" His gaze was intense and you felt his grip on your hand tighten slightly, your heart hammering against your chest.
"Yes", You let out in a shaky breath.
A small smile graced his lips, his heart leaping in his chest. Hearing that one word escape your lips, it was as if all of the aching pain in his body had vanished.
"Come closer", he whispered.
You complied to the injured boy's wishes, moving closer until your faces were mere centimeters apart. Using the little bit of energy he still had, he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek.
"Me too."
The three of you stayed there for hours holding onto each other and crying. Things would be different now. Things were going to be better. Happiness isn't something that has to be achieved. You can feel happy while in the process of achieving something. There could be beautiful things in terrible things and you were proof of that. Saeyoung was proof of that.
You three promised to feel that happiness together.