Chapter Text
Julian is having breakfast with his family and Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane, who are in Los Angeles for a quick visit to try deal with the fallout of Malcolm Fade’s century long betrayal. Everyone's been very busy, Emma and Mark especially, which is why Julian has little to no appetite. It’s not like Emma and Mark do a lot of PDA or anything but just the fact that they are together, that Emma never really wanted Julian at all, all of it gnaws at him. He wishes he had someone to talk to, but revealing he’s in love with his parabatai is a really bad idea. But he feels like he needs to talk to someone. Ever since he came back from England, and even more since they made love on the beach, Julian’s feelings for Emma and no one else have gotten worse. It can’t be a parabatai thing, can it? Maybe he should ask Alec.
When Tavvy, Max and Rafe are all sleeping, Julian approaches Alec.
”Could I ask you something, about the parabatai bond?”
”Sure. I might have some wisdom to share,” Alec smiles, which puts Julian slightly more at ease.
They go to Julian’s room for privacy, and all the way there Julian is cracking his brain on how to ask the questions he needs to ask without revealing too much. He’s usually very good at getting the information he needs, but when it comes to Emma, his skills are lacking. And then there’s the whole illegality of it all…
Like most people who Julian let’s into his room (not that there are that many), Alec is taken with his Sleeping Beauty mural. Alec doesn’t ask about it, just stares at it appreciatively for a minute, “Amazing work. You did that?”
”Yeah, I did. Thanks. “
Alec starts to turn a bit restless when Julian stays silent, but he’s still not quite sure how to ask. “Were you ever attracted to Jace?” is the only thing his brain comes up with, and before he can stop it, the words are out of his mouth.
***
“What?!?” Alec doesn’t know Julian that well, although he sympathizes with his situation a lot, what with all the siblings and the Institute. He thought he might be able to help with whatever it is that is troubling Julian, but he really didn’t expect that question. It seems so random and out of place.
“Sorry, that came out wrong. I’m just… you like guys, and basically everyone who likes guys goes on and on about Jace, so I wondered…”
”If I was ever attracted to Jace, my parabatai, someone who’s also essentially my brother?”
Julian shrugs with feigned nonchalance, “Feelings can be confusing sometimes.”
Alec raises his eyebrow, “Are they confusing for you?”
”Not really,“ Julian claims and it’s clear to Alec that he is already regretting asking anything.
It doesn’t take much to count 2 plus 2 and figure out why Julian’s asking. He’s entering some really dangerous, illegal, territory.
”I’m not admitting to anything. But I can tell you that your parabatai can feel like a safe person to project feelings on, so that you don’t have to pursue anything real. The feelings are intense, and confusing, yet safe, because *nothing* can ever happen with them. If you’re confused about things, they are a safety net that can never leave you. That can confuse you about what you really feel.”
Alec had never really been attracted to Jace. Like he said, he was safe way to project his feelings and confusion about his sexuality. He knows that now that he has Magnus. Everything is much clearer to him now, and he knows the difference between eros and the parabatai bond. Maybe Julian just needs experience. ***
Julian has listened intently on Alec’s words, and nods when the silence falls. What Alec says makes sense. Emma has always been in Julian’s life. He has only ever lived without her during the first three months of his life, and those two months he spent in England, with an ache in his heart and parabatai rune. But what if Emma isn’t not just safe? What if the feelings he has for Emma are all the feelings he has? He’s never really been attracted to anyone else.
”So being parabatai never stopped you feeling attracted to others? It didn’t affect you like that?” Maybe he’s not weird (broken), maybe he’s just a parabatai.
”Why would it? The point is that you marry or commit romantically to someone else. Once you fall in love, it's much easier to separate the feelings from each other. You’re not supposed to be with your parabatai like that. Ever.” To Julian, Alec sounds a bit harsh there at the end, but he understands. The Lightwoods have a different motto.
”Thanks, I think this was helpful,” Julian says and goes to leave his room. He should go train, or maybe check up on his siblings. There must be something else he has to do other than ask questions that shouldn’t be asked, examine feelings that he shouldn’t have, even if they are the only ones he’s ever had.
Alec looks at Julian with a slight suspicion, maybe with a hint of sympathy, but Julian just needs this situation to be over. He shouldn’t have asked anything.
Before Alec walks past Julian, he leans in “There are other people out there for you than Emma, Julian. You just have to look for them,” and then he’s gone, probably off to check the kids.
Julian sighs. He so wishes that could be even remotely true for him. Maybe there's a spell for that.