Chapter Text
It was nearly a year ago when the Avengers found you and brought you to the Avengers Complex. The first time you stepped inside the doors, you had to be led around like a puppy because you were so overwhelmed. A month after you had been brought there, you started to try and mix with them, and that's when you noticed. These people should NEVER have been left together alone. They were play fighting, cuddling, all doing some form of playful physical touch. You were so shocked that when they noticed you and asked you if you were okay, you turned on your heel and left the room. A few of them followed you, Bucky, Loki, and Peter. After a few false starts, you became super close to those three people. Then, when they were in the room, you started to make friends with the others. And now, a year later, you were super close to everybody in the Complex.
Even though you knew everyone really well and had a lot of people you could turn to, you didn't tell them about two things: one, your depression.
While your parents were still alive, you had become a teenager and found out with your mom that your hormones were naturally out of whack. This caused you to have severe mood swings and bouts of depression. Your mom had found some supplement pills that helped you a lot, but only if you took them consistently. Guess what happened when they died? You accidentally skipped two days and you were an emotional mess. You were terrified that it would happen again, so you bought as many pill bottles as you could finish before they expired. After moving into the Complex, it got so much harder to keep this a secret.
More then once, you almost got caught with the empty bottles as you were throwing them away. Each time, you told them a believable excuse while you disposed of the bottle, making sure that they couldn't read the label and look it up.
But yesterday you had run out of one of your supplements.
"No biggie", you had told yourself. "The store always has them."
Turns out that the store was waiting on a supply of them to come in the next week. You tried a dozen other ones and they all said the same. One store promised that you would be sent a box from their shipment of that pill for free since you needed it badly.
Twenty four hours hadn't even passed, and you felt yourself start feeling upset for some reason, like you wanted to cry, but you weren't able to. You felt a hand on your shoulder, snapping you from your thoughts.
"(Y/N), are you gonna pick the movie or what?" Tony asked.
"Yeah sure. Umm, let's just watch Singin' In The Rain, I guess," you offered uncertainly.
"We watched that last week," Rhodey complained.
"Okay fine," you hissed. "The Band Wagon."
Rhodey stared at you in shock. You never snapped like that. Never.
"You heard (Y/N) FRIDAY. Roll film!" Tony called out before heading back to the couch that the Avengers were crammed on.
You were left alone on the armchair, cold air hitting your bare arms and legs.
You tried to focus on the movie, but you found yourself staring at the Avengers, all of them cuddling or hugging each other in some way. You stared at them for about thirty minutes before Steve and Bucky looked up and caught your eye. You jerked your gaze away, but it was too late.
"(Y/N), everything okay?" Steve asked, pausing the movie.
"Yep." you answered, nodding. "I'm okay."
Bucky studied your face for a minute, then replied, "No, you're not."
You glared at Bucky, then sighed and slumped back in your chair. "No, I'm not."
"What's up?" Steve asked.
You decided to play like a child for what it was worth. You raised your arms and made grabby hands, and said with a childlike tone and a serious face, "I want cuddles mommy!"
Everybody burst into laughter at your childish goofiness.
"C'mere princess," Peter called, still laughing as he waved you over to where he was cuddling between Clint and Loki.
You walked over to the over filled couch and sat under where Bucky and Loki was. The two guys shared a look and sat down beside you on the floor, curling up beside you and hugging you. You curled up between them. At this point, Steve sat on the floor, so he wouldn't lose Bucky as his pillow, and played the movie again. You started feeling a little happy again, but your depression decided to strike back hard. When one of your favorite scenes appeared on the screen, you felt Bucky put an arm around you to stop your shoulders from shaking with cold. Instead, they started shaking as you curled up and pressed yourself into Bucky and started crying.
Bucky hugged you, but he didn't realize that you were crying until he felt his shirt start getting wet. He glanced down at you and saw your face pressed into his chest and felt your body heave for breath.
"Steve, pause the movie and turn on the lights," Bucky whispered as he held you close and rocked you back and forth gently.
Steve did so, the others protesting until they saw you.
Loki rubbed your shoulder gently and snuggled up beside you, whispering soothing words into your ears. It took them almost twenty minutes to calm you down. You had stopped crying, but you didn't pull your face away from Bucky's shirt. You wanted to stay like this forever.
But no. Buck's hand slipped under your chin and pulled your head up so he could see your eyes. Cue the second thing that you had hidden from the group, your immense ticklishness.
You held back a giggle, but instead you made a sort of choking noise. Bucky studied your face for a few moments, then curiously ran one of his fingers down your neck. You jerked away with a squeak and rubbed your neck where he had touched you. That got his attention. He shared a look with Loki and they squeezed your sides together. You shrieked and jumped away from them to the other side of the room.
"What?" Bucky asked in delight. "You're ticklish?"
"No. I just find you touching me very funny," you deadpanned.
Bucky was wearing one of his signature smirks. It looked so familar to you, but you couldn't quite place your finger on it. Suddenly, it hit you like a wall of bricks: Bucky wore that face whenever he had the intent of tickle torturing anybody in the Complex.
"No. Do not." you warned, backing away towards the door.
"Why?" Bucky asked, a knowing smile on his face.
You paused and glanced around at the room of Avengers, your family. Suddenly, it didn't feel like you could trust them anymore, not with your past hurts.
"Because..." you tried to voice what you were feeling now.
"Because why?" Peter asked, joining Bucky.
"Because... I don't..." you took that time to bolt from the room.
"Let's go," Bucky crowed, running after you.
You were by the elevators, jamming the button to get it to open.
"Doll, where are you?" you heard Bucky call.
The elevator door opened and you bolted inside, trying to shut it.
Bucky came around the corner and jumped inside just before the doors closed entirely.
"So, what's your reason for me not to tickle you to death?" Bucky asked, a smirk covering the whole of his features as he slowly advanced towards you. "You like it, I saw it in your eyes that you enjoyed it. So why would you turn down a chance to be loved by me?"
You looked down and finally voiced what you had been feeling ever since you missed your pills.
"I don't deserve it. This. Any of this... Even my life."
Bucky stopped moving towards you, hurt flickering across his gaze.
"What?" he whispered, his eyes betraying his shock and concern for you.
The elevator doors opened on your floor and you rushed out, calling over your shoulder, "Please don't tell anyone."
You ran to your room and shut the door.
And suddenly, you found yourself on the floor sobbing like when your parents were killed. How much time had passed, you didn't know. The light streaming in through your curtains was a hint that it was at least morning. You turning your head and found yourself staring at a picture that you had taken with the team on your birthday half a year ago. They missed your actual birthday, but Steve was around on that day and he was the only one who knew about your liking of tickling. He hadn't told anyone else that you liked it, or even that you were ticklish, which had proved to you how loyal he was. Bucky was gonna take the chance to show that he loved you. Peter and Loki cuddled with you when you were upset, and the girls helped you through your panic attacks when there was too many people around.
"Why... what am I doing?" you whispered to yourself.
You picked yourself off the floor and laid on the bed. You plugged in a pair of earbuds and played your favorites playlist. By the time you got to the end of it, you had moved into the living room and you were dancing and singing to your heart's content. Your heart started to feel lighter and the darkness that plagued your thoughts left. You knew they would return in greater numbers, but for now, you were happy. You leaned backwards and flopped down on the floor. You stared at the ceiling in a happy daze, recalling so many happy memories with your family, then with the Avengers...
"Oh crap!" you hissed, sitting bolt upright.
You had completely forgotten what you had said to Bucky the night before.
"I don't deserve it."
Those words rang through your head. Then you scrambled to your feet and took off towards the elevator. You furiously jabbed the up button.
"Come on!" you hissed to yourself.
Finally the elevator doors opened. You rushed in and got knocked flat on the floor as you ran into Steve.
The super solider rushed to your aid and revealed the entire team behind him. Natasha's face was stone cold, and that scared the hell out of you.
Peter grabbed you by the arm and yanked you into the living room before shaking you roughly and yelling out something like, "What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't become friends with you to see you throw your life away and cause everyone more pain then we already have had!"
You shrank back from Peter, his eyes like fire and you were scared that he was gonna hit you. Tony grabbed Peter and hissed something in his ear and the teen let go of your arms. Bucky moved towards you slowly. You backed up, eyes shut, throat tight, hands clammy, entire body trembling in fear. Your back hit the wall and you finally were able to breathe in before your throat closed up again. You couldn't hear anything or anyone but your forced breathing and a shrill screeching noise that you assumed was your own voice. The pain in your head increased greatly, the whispers in your mind growing louder. You curled in on yourself and pressed your hands to your skull, nails digging into your scalp. Dropping to the floor, you curled up as much as you could, tears forcing themselves out of your forced shut eyes.
You heard a muffled sound, like someone else's voice trying to call out to you, but you refused to regestiar whoever it was. You just kept whimpering and crying and trying to find a way back outside of your own mind...