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I remember. I remember when you looked at me with those chocolate orbs that air only had me stopping in my tracks, but made my breath catch in my throat because before then, I had never seen eyes like yours. I was mesmerized. We don’t even know each other’s names and you have me captured just because of those damn eyes. Because they aren’t just brown; no, they’re brown, with specks of green, blue, and yellow in the them all at the same time somehow, and in that moment, I knew the saying was true: brown eyes aren’t just brown eyes, especially when the sun hits them.
It took me five minutes to get out of my stupor, it felt, when in reality it was probably only a minute (no difference if you ask me). What was even worse though was the handshake. Because I never believed in those “sparks” that people feel for the first time when they’re realizing they’re meant to be with someone, but God, did I feel them with you and in that moment I realized I needed you in my life for good.
I remember all of the moments leading up to this day: All of our firsts we had together, albeit they didn’t all come easily. When is a relationship easy without some speed bumps here and there though?
It’s what made being with you all the better however. You’d never tell me, but then again you didn’t need to because I could read you like the back of my hand, that when you’re trying to be mad at me (but not mad enough to make me sleep on the couch), you’d melt into my embrace and hide the smile forming on your face when I would cuddle you and pull you as close as humanly possible to my body, putting every ounce of myself into you.
I know my thoughts are all over the place but it’s hard for me to keep them in place lately. That’s what made you even more special to me: you knew what I was thinking even when I didn’t and helped me place my thoughts in order. All without me asking for help —you know how that made me feel.
It’s been hard lately. Everything’s a mess. I don’t know what to do without you around. I remember every little thing about you and it kills me to relive them daily, but sometimes it’s the only way for my mind—my body— to get some reprieve. I’m not gonna lie either. It’s been hard as hell without you; no one can help me either. I just need you.
What’s worse is the fact that I don’t know if you needed me the most when everything was happening. I was there, but at the same time we both know I wasn’t and I think that’s what kills me the most. I remember every little touch, look, sound, word, smile; any and everything you could’ve possibly given me. And I think one thing in return: Did I give you enough back?
I don’t know if you ever believed people when they said, “That girl looks at you like you hung the moon,” because it was true. Oh so true. My whole life I was in love with space, the stars, the moon, anything related. Now… Now I can barely look up at the night sky without my eyes clouding over and flooding with the unshed tears because I’m lost without you and looking at the moon just makes me think of you even more and the nights we would spend on my roof looking up at that same night sky.
Kelley O’Hara and Hope Solo. Stupidly and blindly in love from the first time we met to the last time we saw each other. It may have taken some time, but it was the best time we had together and the only thing I would change is you not being here with me now because I’m a mess and I don’t know what to do.
Not even Carli can help me and she’s my best friend. I guess she can see just how much you mean to me though, because she never broaches the subject of you since I cannot keep my composure when you’re brought up. The air is even different without your presence and I hate it with every fiber of my being.
I need to feel your arms around me just one more time. I need you to meet me at our spot on the bridge, knowing exactly where I am even though you searched half the city looking for me, just to find me in that spot after I disappeared in a fit of rage. I need to hear your voice bring me back and get rational thoughts; helping me realize what I did was stupid and that I wasn’t actually mad at you. I’m sorry for that, by the way. I know I probably never said that, but I am.
I remember the first day back on the pitch. Everyone looked at me wordlessly and with pity, watching as I made my way to the sideline with my goalie gloves on that now have a special place for your number. I only pay attention to Ashlyn who is currently training and she’s gotten good. I don’t know what I’m going to do when —if— I get back out there in the goalie box and watch our team without you being in front of me, defending the ball from the net.
We communicated in a way on the field that no one could understand. Hell, no one understood how you could take the “tall, menacing, broody Solo” and make me light up whenever I saw you because I wasn’t like that to anyone else that didn’t know me like you did. To them I was just a bitch.
Not to you though. We didn’t even need to say anything for you to understand what I was telling you; another thing I loved about you, on and off the field.
It’s only been a few months since you died – I can’t remember how many because they’ve all more or less blurred together with the help of alcohol some nights – but they haven’t gotten any easier because every damn thing reminds me of you.
I had to leave Jersey and get away from all the memories of you there and decided to go back to Washington. That didn’t seem to help though, because I still see you or things that remind me of you and the pain is too much for my heart to handle.