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I had never seen this side of Becky in the six years that I have known her. I had really done it this time. She was moody, in pain, missing work, hating being off injured; and I had pushed her too far.
"Ugh" Becky practically growled at me. My sweet Rebecca. She was so angry and I had done that to her. I hadn't meant for this to happen. I watched as my girlfriend raised her hand in the air and launched the coffee mug right past me. "You're insufferable!"
I felt my breath hitch in my throat. My heart began to race, adrenaline rushing through my body.
God I wanted to run.
Charlotte move. Move your feet and walk away.
"Babe?"
Why can't I move? Why the hell am I not moving?!
"Charlie."
It was her voice. My sweet girls voice. But all I could feel was him. All I could see was him.
Flashbacks entered my mind. And suddenly I was moving. My heart beating so fast but I was moving.
I walked in to the wall. Shaking my head, I feel tears sliding down my face. I run to the bedroom and I lock the door. I lock the door and I grab my pillow and I walk into the bathroom, I curl up against the bath, just like I always did...just to get away.
"Charlotte!"
She's banging on the door but I can't move. I can't speak. I can't think straight.
Memories flash through my mind. Memories I could never wish upon even my worst enemy. I block my ears. Ignoring his voice that screamed at me. Why can I feel his hands on me? He hasn't been in my life for a decade. Why is this so damn familiar still?
Why had I stuffed up again? It's always me. Always me.
I look up as the door opens. I watch as Becky places the butter knife on the cabinet near the door; she must have unlocked our bedroom door that way.
"I'm so sorry baby."
There's so much emotion in Becky's voice. I can't speak. But I finally look at her and my eyes leak new years. She frowns. She slowly approaches me.
"It's just me..."
I know, Becks. But still I can't speak.
"I don't even know what happened, I don't even know why I threw the damn mug." She runs her hand through that beautiful firey red hair. "But God baby I didn't mean to throw it at you. I didn't mean to scare you." I watch as she pauses. "I've triggered you."
She has.
But it's not as bad as I have been triggered before. My heart is slowing down to a normal speed. I watch as she scoots closer.
"I would never hurt you."
I feel myself relax. I know this. There isn't a cruel bone in Becky's body. And yet in that moment, in that very moment where we had been arguing and Becky threw an object past me, I thought to myself that I needed to leave.
"Baby," Shes sitting right in front of me, her hand is on my arm. Gentle, warm, comfort. "You are safe with me."
I am.
"I would never hurt you Charlotte. And I'd kill anyone whoever hurt my girl."
Suddenly her arms are around me, she's holding my closely but not too tight. She's whispering into my ear that she loves me. I relax into her as she kisses my temple. I hold on to her tightly.
"I'll never let you go Charlie." She kisses my head."You are always safe with me."
And I know that. I know damn well Becky would never hurt me. I know she isn't him. I know I'm safe. I know I'm loved. I know I'm respected.
I breathe in her scent as I hold her closer; and I'm safe.