Work Text:
If you asked Clarke Griffin to tell you about her life she would tell you 7 important facts, the only things she cared to share.
- Her father, Jake Griffin taught her how to play piano at the age of 6. After months of watching him play she hopped up on the piano stool one afternoon wishing he’d teach her. They spent 2 months learning, playing and creating songs together but her favorite song her father ever taught her to play was Clair De Lune. To this day she can still hear her father playing, filling up the spaces in the empty hallways of her childhood home.
- She knew she wanted to be an artist 3 months after she turned 10. Her 5th grade class took a field trip to the Smithsonian American Art Museum and naturally the curious blonde got separated from her group. If you asked her she would tell you that she took a wrong turn going to the bathroom but in reality she just wanted to keep looking at paintings. Hours later her teacher found her sitting on the floor staring up at a painting called “Cornish Headlands” by Abbott Handerson Thayer and ever since then she hasn't wanted to do anything else but create and appreciate art.
- She sold her first painting at 17. It was messy, the colors ran together like mascara does when it’s wet and there were leftover clumps of paint she never cared to clean up. She secretly hated it but the painting perfectly captured her father - sitting on a old park bench with his torn up jeans hunched over a textbook about “Modern Day Engineering” in the middle of her favorite DC park. The old woman down the street always stopped by to admire what Clarke was working on and after months of watching the blonde paint on her front porch she offered Clarke 60 dollars for the painting of her father.
- Jake Griffin lost his fight with cancer 2 weeks after Clarke turned 18. They had discussed the possibility of Jake not being around anymore but Clarke had always thought that her dad would somehow get better and he’d be around forever. Clarke was a daddy's girl, she hung on every word he said so naturally the loss of her father changed the way she looked at life. She became more aware of her feelings, adventurous with her decisions and kept her heart locked behind walls she didn't even know existed.
- On a cold October day she met a woman who had the most beautiful green eyes she had ever seen in the 20 years of her existence. They were accepting, inviting and most of all they made her feel safe. Just one look and Clarke forgot about her pain, forgot about how it felt to lose her father, the way she shut her mother out and the heartbreak she felt after her ex-boyfriend dumped her for being “too fragile”. Clarke was convinced that if she were ever standing in a room full of people, those green eyes would be the only thing she would see.
- She fell in love with the green eyed woman at the age of 20 and lost that love at 24. That’s all she would ever say, there were no details needed. The way she spoke about the woman was all you needed to understand. The way she played with her hands and kept her eyes always at her feet, no matter the weather. Details would never be shared and no one ever dared to ask, those that got to witness the powerful love that consumed Clarke's life never mentioned the woman's name or how green her eyes were. Clarke had suffered enough loss in her life and her friends knew better than to keep breaking her heart by bringing up the past.
- Clarke Griffin was turning 26 in 4 days and her best friends Octavia and Raven were planning something. She didn’t want to celebrate, hell she didn't even celebrate her last birthday or the one before that. There was no need. All the important people in her life seemed to move and find a way to be happy. No one wanted to hang out with someone who was grumpy 90% of the time. Raven had Anya, Octavia had Lincoln and her mom had Kane. Who did Clarke have? Le- Oh right… Clarke was alone and there was no need to celebrate her birth.
“Clarke when is your last gallery opening? I was thinking we could plan on going out for your birthday?” Octavia yelled from the kitchen while making dinner. Clarke was sitting in her favorite red chair staring out the window at the rain that hit in a dysfunctional rhythm. She had been in the same spot every day since the green eyed woman left - well she went to work and slept in her own bed most nights but she always sat in that chair. It was her last connection to the woman that lived in her apartment at one time, it was the last piece that reminded her that everything was real.
“Next week.” Clarke managed to speak up after seconds that felt like forever, finally coming out of her daydream, not acknowledging the mention of her birthday.
“Okay, so we’ll go out on Saturday?” Raven plopped down on the couch, throwing her feet up on the coffee table that she built for “fun” last week. Sitting across from the red chair, she focused all her attention on Clarke.
“I still can’t believe it's your last gallery and you’re opening your own studio downtown. That’s like a huge accomplishment. You should be stoked!” Raven made a face at Octavia, hinting that this could possibly be the best thing to happen to their best friend in awhile and she needed more backup. Octavia was leaning against the window beside her blonde friend watching as she showed no emotion whatsoever.
“Yeah…” Clarke gave Raven a small smile and continued looking outside. “I think I’m going to take some time off soon.”
Octavia and Raven glanced at each other and gave Clarke a simple nod. They knew that Clarke had thrown herself into her art since the woman Clarke loved left . Her art went from bright colors and hope - to dark, broody and hopelessness. Of course the darker pieces sold quickly but when Clarke looked at the other paintings she couldn't remember the feelings that came with them, like it was some out of body experience. She tried her best to block out all of the memories associated with the woman who left.
“Okay Clarkey, I’m going to text everyone and we’ll go out Saturday night… maybe hit up Grounders for ice cream after, I hear they have new flavors!” Octavia pulled her phone out of her back pocket and walked into the hallway to return a few texts.
Lexa : I’m not sure this is a good idea O. She doesn't want me to ruin her birthday, you told me that she’s getting better and that’s all I want for her.
Octavia : All you have to do is show up and I promise it’ll be fine. Last week you were totally on board, what happened to our faithful commander?
Lexa : Don’t call me that. Last week I was sure that it was the right time to come back. I can’t mess things up for her anymore.
Octavia : We’re going out at 8:30 to the Sky bar. Try and come or at least get lunch with me tomorrow!
“You have 3 seconds to explain what the hell you’re doing or this won’t end well.” Octavia didn't hear Raven sneak up beside her in the hallway, she was too involved in begging Lexa to show up at Clarkes party to notice the slow drag of Ravens left foot across the carpet. She immediately threw her phone into her hoodie pocket and tried to think of how to respond.
“I… Uh…. Shit.” She had been caught and had no idea what to say, but starting from the beginning would probably be best. She grabbed Raven's arm and pulled her into Clarke's bathroom, quickly turning the shower and sink on in hopes that it would drown out her voice and Ravens if she decided to freak out. “Long story short I’ve talked to Lexa every day since the breakup. She needed someone and Clarke had the both of us." Raven was clearly hurt that her best friend had been sneaking conversations with the enemy. "It wasn’t fair and yes I can tell by the look on your face that I should have told you sooner and I'm sorry but she used to be our best friend.. She’s still my best friend and we both know that Clarke still loves her regardless of the bullshit she tries to sell us when it comes to her feelings.” Raven waited a few seconds before deciding to respond to the information Octavia just unloaded on her.
“Okay and why are you inviting her to the party?” Raven was confused and it showed all over her face. She did understand why Octavia was doing this to Clarke.” You know Clarke would go into meltdown mode. Hell she’s halfway there now and it's fucking heartbreaking. We’ve tried everything and I know you don’t get over heartbreak in a day but this isn’t a good idea. ” Raven pointed at the door praying that Clarke couldn't hear them even though she knew that she would still be sitting in her chair, not bothering to see why her two best friends were in the bathroom together. Octavia took her phone out of her hoodie and checked her messages again, knowing that the other woman would respond.
Lexa : Let’s do lunch tomorrow at Grounders - 11 o’clock and do not be late.
“Would you like to find out all the answers tomorrow at lunch with Lexa? She’s in town now.” Octavia gave her friend one of her best pleading smiles and reluctantly Raven agreed, without voicing her hesitation.
“If Clarke finds out about this she will hate us forever, I hope you’re prepared for that.” Raven exited the bathroom quickly leaving an all too relieved and anxious Octavia behind her, with the shower and sink still running.
-
“Clarke are you home?” Lexa waltzed into the apartment that she shared with her girlfriend and dropped her keys in the dish beside the front door. Today was a big day and she couldn't wait to share her news with Clarke.
“In here Lex!” Clarke spent most of her time in the small apartment working on various pieces of art for the studio two blocks over, the manager promised if she made at least 5 paintings in the next 3 weeks he’d let her have a spot in the “local” section of the gallery.
Lexa stood in the door and watched Clarke add the finishing touches to the last painting she was working on. Her blonde hair up in a loose bun, with strands falling around her neck and her face probably covered with paint. The blonde always listened to the same music, but always with one song repeating in the playlist - The Girl by City and Colour was her favorite, prompting Lexa to quote it to her anytime possible - making Clarke giggle and blush. She always wore the same t-shirt when she painted and now in her 20th year of living the shirt had holes, paint, bleach and tear stains but regardless it was the one thing Clarke Griffin needed to complete a painting. Lexa could sit and watch Clarke paint every day and on weekends that’s exactly what she did, Clarke would sit on the couch while Lexa sat in the red chair that she insisted on buying when they moved in together. Clarke would doodle or paint something small and Lexa would focus all of her attention on the blonde, making sure to look up from the book in her hand anytime she could. The way her left eyebrow always arched when she was trying to get the details right, the way she put the paintbrush behind her ear when she was thinking or whenshe could always feel Lexa looking at her, prompting Clarke to try her best at hiding the smile that always seemed to form on her lips whenever she knew Lexa was looking. Clarke loved that Lexa was always checking on her, even in their apartment she was always trying to take care of her.
“Are you going to tell me how work was or are you going to keep staring at me?” Clarke had changed out of her paint clothes by the time Lexa was finished daydreaming. The blonde chuckled at the guilty look which was now spreading across Lexas face.
“I.. Uhm… Yes, work was very interesting. Why don’t we go sit down, I have something I’d like to discuss with you.” Lexa kissed Clarke on the cheek and walked her down the hallway covered in paintings and drawings from the locals in town. She silently prepared herself for the conversation that was soon to take place and prayed that everything would go over smoothly.
“What is it Lexa? You’re starting to worry me and we always promised to be honest with each other so start talking.” Lexa knew that Clarke was getting impatient and when that happened there's no way that anything could go smoothly.
“Do you remember last week when I had the meeting?” Lexa waited for Clarke to remember and when she did she gave the older woman a slight nod - a habit she would never admit that she picked up from Lexa. “Well, they offered me a job-”
“That’s great Lex! Oh my gosh you’ve been waiting for a different job for months! I’m so proud of you!” Clarke jumped into Lexas arms to congratulate her.
“Thank you Clarke, but that is not all.” Lexa removed Clarkes arms around her neck and placed them in her lap. “They offered me a job in Jackson, Mississippi. They want a definite answer by tomorrow and I’d move in less than a week.” Lexa watched as Clarke's face dropped when she realized that Lexa was talking about leaving. “This is a great opportunity but I would like to talk to you about it first.”
Clarke couldn’t think, she was just focused on the words “I’d move” there was no mention of Clarke joining her - it was like she already had the idea of leaving before coming home. She quickly got up startling Lexa but not seeming to notice or care.
“So you wanted to talk to me about you leaving and us breaking up? Is that what you’re telling me?” The blonde had her hands in her hair and was pacing across the living room - a true sign of frustration but she was trying her best to stay calm, slow her heart rate and hide the tears that were seconds from falling.
“No Clarke, I wanted to talk to you about it because you’re very important to me and I want to know your opinion.” Lexa kept her voice low and calm, knowing that if she started to get upset there would be no way to calm Clarke down. There was no way that this conversation was going to end well.
“You should go. Call them now and tell them yes.” Clarke walked towards the window, making sure that Lexa couldn't see the tears that were already falling. She quickly wiped them away and tried to think about anything other than the fact that Lexa would be leaving in less than a week.
“That’s it? You’re just going to tell me to leave?” Lexa stood and immediately regretted raising her voice noticing how the blonde woman flinched but this isn't how she thought the conversation would go - she thought Clarke would be happy for her, that they'd try to make this relationship work. She wasn't ready to throw away 4 years of something for a job.
“Yes, because you clearly want to leave or else you would have asked me to go with you.” Lexa could sense the hurt in Clarke's voice but she listened anyway. “I can’t make you love me anymore Lexa, so you should go I won’t hold you back.” Clarke moved away from the window, making her way back down the hallway to where her studio was, not giving Lexa a chance to defend herself or even begin to describe why she she wanted Clarke to stay and make her way in the art community. T he words that Clarke so casually spoke broke Lexas heart, it was like she had given up within seconds of listening to Lexa share her news.
“Okay.” Lexa walked over to her briefcase and took her phone out, dialing the number of her work. She walked into the kitchen quietly and promised her boss that she’d have everything packed by the end of the week and she’d be in the first flight out to Jackson, Mississippi by Saturday.
When Clarke reached her studio door she shut it quietly and slumped against it, letting the sobs overtake her body. The last time she had cried this hard was when her father died and this felt just as bad. She couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe and she knew deep down in her heart that she couldn't ever live without Lexa.
-
“Okay so you’ve got the day planned out for Clarke? Cause you know if we don’t plan every little thing she’ll just sit around and mope, we have to keep her moving.” Raven was getting impatient knowing what the day held for Clarke. So many things could go wrong depending on what kind of mood the blonde was in.
“Yes Raven, I just need you to take her to the museum at 2. Everything else will happen after that and we’ll just go from there. Fingers crossed.” Octavia couldn't seem to shake the nerves but she felt confident in the plan they had for celebrating.
“It’s been 2 years O, do you really think Clarke is going to be happy about spending time in front a painting that reminds her of her dead father and the girl that got away? That seems kind of harsh.” Octavia knew Raven was right but this wasn't their idea - hell, they would have never thought about something this dark for a day of celebration.
“I know it’s been two years since they broke up, but Lexa promised that it would just be Clarke in that area of the museum - I don’t want to know how she did it or why, but Lexa asked us to do this for her. If it doesn't go as planned we’re still taking credit for it, I don’t care if Clarke hates for the rest of this year. All we had to do was put the letter there and make sure Clarke is there so don’t be late or I’ll kick your ass!” Octavia knew nothing about the contents of the letter, just that it had to be placed on the bench in front of the painting and that everything would be fine, she trusted Lexa even after all this time so she was doing this for both of them.
“Yes ma’am, I will drive over there now since I’m usually always late…. Even though it’s always the legs fault.” Raven pointed to the brace on her leg and gave Octavia a cocky smirk. She then took out her phone to send a quick text to Clarke letting her know that she’d be on her way. Knowing Clarke she was in her studio elbows deep in paint, working on some depressing piece that Raven would comment on at a later date.
Octavia knew Lexa still had feelings for Clarke. It was in the way she asked about her, the newspapers she made Octavia send her when Clarke was mentioned. Hell, it was written all over her face when they went to lunch. The fact that she moved closer to DC again said it all - she was still in love with the blonde girl she met 6 years ago. Clarke on the other hand would never let you know how she was feeling - she built walls higher than the apartment building she lived in. Most of the time her friends would find her moping around, working on some piece of art that a stuck up rich white man would buy with this bundles of cash, avoiding certain songs and places in town. Deep down everyone knew that she was still in love with Lexa, but after she left it was like Clarke shut down completely - her friends knew never to mention the green eyed woman... it was a rule around the Griffin household. Octavia prayed that Raven could pull this off, hopefully they could get the old Clarke back - the one who always made jokes and captivated people by the color of her crystal clear blue eyes and the art that always spoke louder than Ravens voice at a car show.
-
“So you’re telling us that you could have moved back but you turned it down because you thought Clarke wouldn't want to see you? Can you explain what the hell you’re doing now cause I’m very confused and it's starting to make me angry.” Raven gave Lexa the snarkiest face she could think of, but in all honesty both of the girls were confused and quite frankly a little angry.
“6 months after I moved, things weren't working out at the office here, so they called and asked if I would move back and I turned them down. After things ended with….” Lexa took a deep breath and swallowed the wave of feelings that she felt coming up at any second, looking anywhere but the two women sitting in front of her. “I couldn't just show up and beg her to take me back after she was the one that told me to leave. A few weeks after I got that call they asked if I would move to New York, so I accepted.” She took a drink of the water sitting in front of her praying that it would help drown the feelings that were coming back with hurricane like force . “The only reason why I’m here now is because of work. I only have 3 more days left in the city.”
“So what are you doing for Clarkes birthday?” The question seemed to fall out of Raven's mouth and after a slap on the arm from Octavia she realized what she did wrong. "What? I'm just asking! Don't you think it's a little weird that she happens to have lunch with us days before?" The two girls sitting across from the brunette watched as her face went stoic, they watched as Lexa picked up the glass of water just bringing the brim of the glass to her lips - only to set it down and look out the window. Once she seemed to calm down she spoke slowly in a tone that everyone would describe as ‘Commander voice’. The voice that made all her coworkers respect her and her friends fear her when she was angry.
“I thought that would be a topic of discussion today.” Lexa slowly reached in the bag she had hanging on the back of her chair and pulled out a small envelope, the corners were bent and the paper was a faded yellow - like it had been sitting in the dark for months, Clarkes name written in sloppy cursive. “I need you to give this to her, at some point this weekend. No you cannot read it” Lexa looked directly at Raven and continued talking. “I also have one more favor, Saturday at 2 o'clock, the part of the museum that holds Clarke's favorite painting will be empty - it’s reserved just for her. Make sure you get here there, I do not want her to know that i'm involved at all.” Lexa sat the envelope in the middle of the table and watched the pair of eyes that immediately followed.
“Uh okay. Are you still coming to the party then?” Raven was antsy just looking at the envelope, she reached slowly across the table picking up the fragile envelope feeling the weight of the world in her hands.
-
“I don’t understand why you’re taking me to the art museum on my birthday, are you trying to bore me to death?” Clarke was in no mood to celebrate her birthday, her attitude and general outlook in life today said it all. She didn't want to go out or be at the museum that held the one piece of art that could manage to make her cry in less than 20 seconds.
“Just trust me, okay?” Raven got out of the small car and walked over to the passenger side to open the door for her. She claimed it made her look like she had manners and her girlfriend Anya loved the charm she always brought. Slowly, they made their way up the set of stairs that led to the front door without even speaking to each other, Raven could see how Clarke tensed up after every step. Ravens palms were sweaty and she felt as if Clarke could feel the nervous energy flowing through her, but she held her best poker face and prayed that Clarke wouldn’t run away when she saw where exactly they were heading. They walked for what seemed like hours, though it was just a few seconds. They had spent many hours wandering these halls, staring at paintings but always avoiding one section - knowing that it was off limits. Raven felt like she was going to puke and as many times as she had seem Clarke run around this place so excited, today she seemed that she didn't care at all. Clarke seemed to have lost her love for the one thing that's kept her together in the last few years. Maybe it was the day, maybe it was the painting or maybe it was the memories of the woman who spent many hours beside a certain blonde. Either way Raven was ready to get the hell out of there. They were just feet away from the painting when Clarke finally noticed something.
“Uh, Rae… Why aren’t there any people around?” The blonde was looking around for any signs of other people, just any person really.
“I’m not sure. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll go look. It is your birthday after all. I’ll be right back and I’ll grab us a couple of brochures to see what new attractions are.” Raven gave the blonde her best assuring smile and waited until she took a seat on the bench in front of the painting that held so many memories. Raven quickly walked away making sure to give Clarke as much space as possible, at any second she would find the envelope that Lexa made Raven promise to leave behind. Taking her phone out of her pocket to text Octavia, she heard Clarke question why there was an old envelope on the floor in front of the bench.
Raven : She found the envelope. What should I do?
Octavia : Don’t leave, just give her space and check on her in a little bit to make sure she’s okay.
Raven : 10-4 buddy.
Raven put her phone back in her pocket and walked over to the stairs that allowed her to have a small view of Clarke. She took a seat at the very top stair and observed the blonde. Clarke immediately recognized the handwriting on the envelope. She had a box under her bed filled with letters, scrap paper and napkins with the same handwriting all over it. She stood up and looked around for the owner of the handwriting but she knew that it was too good to be true, she was alone just like she had been for the last 2 years. She slowly sat back down, bringing the envelope up to her chest and trying her best to hold in the tears that were just seconds from falling, all while keeping her eyes locked on the painting. She told herself that she wouldn't open it, she didn’t care what was in the old torn envelope, but instead of listening to reason she knew she had to open it. She slowly tore the left corner and took a deep breath, continuing to tear open envelope, making sure that whatever was in there could easily be put back like it was never opened. After seconds of trying to convince herself not to read the piece of paper neatly folded inside she stopped listening to her head and carefully listened to her heart. She took out the yellow piece of paper and unfolded it slowly, making sure that it could be folded back into its intricate design. The words on the page were written carefully, the pen seemed to glide with hesitation and there were a few dried stains which Clarke assumed were wine and tears. The date at the top was exactly 3 weeks after Lexa moved away. Clarke slowly and carefully read every word, making sure to understand them as she went.
“I went off to chase my dreams but all along my dream has been you. I’m so proud of who you are and who you will be. I’m still yours to keep my beautiful girl. ”
-
“Lexa, Raven invited us over for dinner tonight. Do you think you’ll have time to go?” Clarke was already rambling before she walked in the kitchen, fully expecting Lexa to be sitting at the table working on whatever case she was tackling for the week. “Lexa… are you home?” Clarke put down her keys in the dish by the door and hung up her badge from working the night shift, trudging over to sit down on the couch.
She had 2 straight weeks of night shift and she hated it, although only working 3 nights in a row wasn't too bad. This was the first Friday night she had off in months and she fully planned on enjoying herself. Thanks to Raven she actually had plans for once, instead of waiting for Lexa to come home and decide. She had already promised Raven and Anya that they would be there tonight to celebrate whatever accomplishment Raven had done in the “science world” as she called it. After trying to fight off the sleepiness that was creeping up on her she slowly got up making her way towards the bathroom. Her plan was to shower, put makeup on and hopefully have enough time to run out to the store and grab some things to take over to her best friends house. Clarke picked out a pair of faded jeans that had a hole in the knee from where Lexa tried to teach her to skateboard on their 4th date and a black t-shirt. Clarke could pull anything off but simple was always the way to go. She took her clothes into the bathroom and sat them down on top of the counter, not seeing the envelope taped to the mirror until she returned yet again with Beyonce blasting from the speakers on her phone. She carefully tore the envelope off the mirror making sure not to rip the paper and read the note.
“Babe, I talked to Raven this morning and she and Anya have invited us over for dinner. I ran to the store to grab some things, i’ll be back soon. We don’t need to leave until 7 so take a nap and I’ll wake you up in time for you to shower. I love you”
Clarke smiled and put the letter back in the envelope, walking towards her closet to find the black shoebox that have held all of Lexas notes since she started writing them. So far Clarke had exactly 65 notes. Some on napkins, sticky notes from Lexas office, a receipt, various colors of paper, a brochure from the art museum and a postcard - this was one of Clarkes favorite things about Lexa, no matter what was going on she always left a note.
-
It had been 5 days since Clarke read Lexas letter. She still had the shoebox under her bed filled with all the sweet words the older woman once wrote to her. But why now? Why give her a letter that was dated almost 2 years ago… Did the words on the paper even mean anything now?
It took 4 days for Octavia to confess to Clarke that she secretly talked to Lexa every day, the guilt eating at her from hiding this for so long. Clarke kept asking questions about the letter, the museum and the awkwardness of her two friends later that night at her party. She had to know, so Raven and O sat their best friend down over coffee one afternoon and told her everything. From the story of the late night phone calls a week after the woman moved, to the drunken texts asking O and Raven for their forgiveness for hurting Clarke, making them both promise to take care of her. The back and forth of Lexa hating herself for moving and losing everything she loved the most, just giving up without a fight. The newspapers, photos and updates sent to her as much as possible. Clarke was furious that her best friend had continued to talk to the woman that broke her heart but her friends understood her anger and assured her that they only had her best interest in mind
3 days went by where Octavia and Clarke didn’t speak to each other. It wasn't normal for there to be so much silence from the blonde but Octavia knew that it would take her some time to understand why she kept in contact with the woman who left her in the middle of the night and only leaving a letter and the stuffed raccoon she won at the fair for their 6 month anniversary.
It took Clarke exactly 124 hours, 8 minutes and 13 seconds to realize that never in a million years would she ever be over the green eyed woman who laughed too loud when she was drunk, braided her hair just because Clarke liked it, wrote random notes whenever she thought about the blonde or wore the grey hoodie with the paint stains on the sleeve that Clarke never wanted her to steal.
-
“Clarke, please stop.” Lexas voice cut through the frustration and hurt that was building up in Clarkes mind. The blonde had a box in front of her, slowly picking up things and dropping them into the box whether or not Lexa wanted to take them with her when she moved. She wasn’t thinking, nor did she care she just want to make Lexa feel the same way she did.
“Oh look the mug I got you after you told me what your favorite painting was - I should have known just by your answer that this would have never worked out. Who would pick Monet over Van Gogh…” Clarke looked at the mug and back at the box. “I’m sure you won't need anything to remind you of me when you’re gone.” Clarke looked into Lexas green eyes and threw the mug on the floor, letting it shatter all over her feet. She watched as Lexa looked down at the broken pieces of the mug she drank coffee out of every day even though Clarke would always tell her she shouldn’t.
“There is no need for this Clarke, we can make this work. I promise. Can we please just go to bed?” Lexa just wanted to pick Clarke up and hold her, to try her best to take away her pain. She knew she shouldn't have given up so easily and asked Clarke to go with her, but this is where Clarke grew up - this is where her family was and her memories, this is where Clarke would make a name for herself. This is where she would find her peace after the passing of her father, where she would become a household name with her art. This was Clarkes home. She could easily make new memories but Lexa knew that Clarke was days away from becoming a well known artist in DC and she didn’t want to take away a chance for Clarke to achieve her dreams.
“Whatever Lexa.” Clarke tried her best to not let the older woman see her tears as she walked towards the bedroom. This was the last night they had together and she didn’t want Lexa to be anywhere near her. The boxes that lined the left side of her bedroom made her stomach drop. How could Lexa leave her? This wasn't how it was supposed to be - they were meant to last, that’s what everyone told her. Clarke slowly got ready for bed, listening to Lexa pack the last few of her things in the living room. The blonde turned the lights off and let the tears fall not caring if Lexa ever came to bed.
Lexa had finished packing almost an hour ago but she wanted to give Clarke space. The boxes that filled the apartment made Lexa feel claustrophobic - a feeling the brunette wasn’t familiar with. After spending nights doing homework, catching up on tv shows Clarke insisted you watch, or holding the love of your life as she cried over her father who she wished could be here today - you never would have imagined that your life would turn out this way. Quietly she found a small piece of paper and wrote a short note to the blonde before walking towards the bedroom she would spend one more night in. She prayed that Clarke would be asleep but after hearing her catch her breath while Lexa was brushing her teeth she knew that this night wouldn't be over anytime soon. The brunette climbed in bed making sure to leave space between the two bodies that would share this bed for the last time.
“Lexa….” The older woman knew exactly what that meant, she took the younger girl into her arms and held her as close as possible, ignoring the sobs that fell from her lips. “Just tell me you love me, even if you don’t mean it…. Please Lexa.” Instead of speaking the woman who had the greenest eyes Clarke had ever seen, kissed her on her forehead and gently rubbed small circles on the blondes back - ensuring that she would fall asleep.
“I will love you forever.” Lexa knew that the blonde woman sleeping in her arms didn’t hear her, but it didn’t matter anymore.
After Lexa stayed in bed with Clarke listening to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat she decided that now would be the best time to leave, having to say goodbye to Clarke was something she didn't think she’d be able to do. She slowly got out of bed, stacking the boxes that filled the bedroom walking them into the hallway to load into the truck she has parked on the street. She gathered the last of her things while throwing on her favorite grey hoodie, picked up the pieces of her broken mug and left them beside her note on the kitchen table. Quickly she shut the door to the apartment she had shared with the woman of her dreams for almost 4 years, afraid if she didn’t leave now she never would;
Slowly she traced her fingers over the numbers on the red door, reciting the words she left on the note waiting for Clarke to find in the morning.
“Please know that I’m yours to keep my beautiful girl”
-
“Octavia, I need you to tell me when Lexa is coming back.” That was the first time in 2 years that Octavia heard Clarke say that name. Even when the blonde woman told her two friends the story of the note she never mentioned that name, not once. She seemed to have more of a personality today, hints of the happier version of her were coming back. This always happened when it was gallery day, she'd wake up happy - spending the entire day laughing and making jokes. When she woke the next day it was as if the previous day never happened.
“Clarke, she was only in town for a few days and it was something for work. I don’t think she’s coming back.” Octavia watched the hope escape from Clarkes eyes and knew that regardless of what schedule the older woman had she would always come back for her.
“Oh, I get it.” Clarke picked up the mug that she spent so many days trying to glue back together before asking Raven to fix it and sipped the black coffee from it. “My gallery opens tonight. I hope you’re both coming.” Clarke waited for confirmation from both her friends and smiled when they both accepted her invitation - even though they both planned to be there anyway.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world Clarkey” Raven shot Octavia a mischievous grin and excused herself so she could start to set things up for the event later tonight.
“I’ll see you later tonight Clarke.” Octavia said goodbye to her friend and walked out of the small apartment as her phone started to ring.
The next hours flew by as Clarke got ready, answering her phone evert time her mother called with questions about the gallery, or when Raven called about the placement of certain pieces. Everything was a whirlwind. This was the day that Clarke finally achieved her dreams and yet something was still missing. Maybe a certain woman that she couldn't stop thinking about, even though they hadn't spoken in years. Ever since she found the letter at the museum she read every note Lexa had ever written her, she read them over and over again until she figured out that the ending of all the letters were the lyrics to her favorite song. The one that Lexa learned to play on guitar just for her. These letters were more than just lyrics and random thoughts, they were the inspiration for the biggest piece in her gallery tonight.
“Clarke, we’re ready for you.” Raven was dressed in a dark loose fitting suit, something Anya picked out for her Clarke was sure, but regardless she looked fantastic. Her button up shirt only missing the top two buttons and the white pocket square hanging out of her suit made her look all grown up. “You look amazing by the way.” Clarke blushed and forgot all about herself for the moment she was studying Ravens outfit. The blue dress she picked fit her perfectly and the black heels she wore made her look taller than normal, anything to make her feel a little better and not so nervous. She had done this a million time but yet every second it got closer to her showing everyone the depths of her heart on canvas she freaked out.
She mingled with friends, talked to her mother about the piece she did for her father and watched as strangers obsessed over the painting in the middle of the room. A bright canvas with watercolors from the letters she had under her bed, only letters she got to read. The yellows mixed with the reds but never clashed with the blue, but the only color Clarke could ever see was green. It wasn’t just any green - it was the green in her eyes after the first kiss, the green of her eyes that are filled with tears when she’s laughing too loud in public and makes you blush because you’re so happy, the green eyes that looks at you like you’re the only thing she’ll ever see. It’s the green that Clarke sees in her sleep, the only color she knows without a doubt she needs in her life.
“Clarke, someone over there wants to buy your modern take on that painting you like in the museum. They said price isn’t a problem.” Octavia's words broke Clarke out of her daydream and made her focus on her task for the night. Someone wanted to buy her painting, most importantly someone wanted to buy the one painting in the world that meant the most to her - just her take on it. She nodded her head and slowly began to walk towards the person standing in front of the painting, making sure to go over all the sales pitches she had stored in her brain. Not bothering to pay attention to who exactly she was supposed to speak to. Usually she studied the way the person was dressed and how they stood, trying to figure out how to present herself accordingly.
“Good evening, my associate told me you’d like to buy this painting and that money wasn't a issue.” The woman's back was facing Clarke as she spoke. “This one actually means a lot to me so I hope you have a special place for it.”
The tall woman turned around and all Clarke could see was green. She noticed how the older womans eyes shined, like she was seeing something for the first time. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and the white dress she wore was perfectly accompanied by a leather jacket that clung to her muscular arms. 2 years hadn't changed anything, Clarke's heart was racing and she could feel her cheeks turning red. All she could think of were the multitude of letters sitting underneath her bed in the beat up shoe box, how those letters led her here and the main painting in the gallery - this was all for her, it always had been since she left. Clarke had the most recent letter resting in the clutch sitting in her hand, just in case this night didn't go as planned - she needed those words to remind her of why she's here, what it took to get here. The green eyed woman smiled as she looked around the gallery, admiring everything from the design of the logo on the front door to the way Octavia and Raven were standing by the main piece staring at them. Within seconds the older woman felt arms around her neck and her heart felt as if it were going to explode, this is not what she was expecting. She knew that she had so much to make up for but she was right, this was Clarkes home and this is where she made a name for herself. Before she could speak Clarke whispered in her ear the same words she told her over and over in the years before.
“I am always yours to keep my beautiful girl.”