Chapter Text
It seemed like the days passed by like one. It was no different; wake up, mope around the compound and then go to sleep. Well, not really. Ever since Steve had broken up with you sleep didn’t come to you easily and when it did you’d wake up a few hours later skin sticking with sweat and your breath rugged from the nightmares. Nightmares that he only managed to chase away and now that he didn’t care they were back only ten times worse.
Going to a mission was out of the question for you, not because you didn’t want to but the non fully healed wound on your upper thigh prevented you from going back in the field. Not even that but you couldn’t for the most part go to the gym. Your movements were limited so the only thing left for you to do was to drink to numb the pain since you couldn’t do anything else.
So here you were once again getting out of bed at nine in the morning and going towards the kitchen dressed in a simple t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants hoping to get a cup of coffee without anyone bothering you. Not that you had a problem with the rest of the avengers, after all they were your family but ever since the break up everyone kept walking in eggshells around you and you didn’t want that. You didn’t want their pity, you didn’t want anyone treating you differently and they didn’t seem to get that.
As you neared the kitchen you could hear voices coming from inside which only meant that everyone was having breakfast together and when you entered the kitchen your suspicions were answered. All the avengers were having breakfast including the person you wanted to avoid the most, Steve.
The conversation was flowing until they spotted you and everyone went silent making you roll your eyes. “Jesus, you don’t have to do that every time I enter a room.” You muttered walking to the coffee machine and taking out a mug filling it with coffee almost to the brim.
“How are you today, Y/N?” Bruce asked turning around in his chair glancing at your leg. “Any pain?”
“Same as yesterday.” you shrugged taking a sip of your coffee to avoid spilling any but not making any move to join them at the table “Is Dr. Cho still coming in today?” you asked Tony who nodded while eating a bite of his food.
“She should be here around noon. I got an email from her last night, I’m pretty sure she found the solution to your problem. So you should be fully healed earlier than expected.” you almost smiled at his answer it was all you wanted for your wound to heal and for you to get back in the field.
“Great. I need to get back to fully training and back in the field as soon as possible.” you took your coffee ready to leave and go back to your room when a voice stopped you. “Excuse me?” you snapped eyes shooting daggers at your ex-boyfriend.
“I said, you’re not getting back in the field until I say so.” Steve spoke his tone of voice meant to give you no room to reply.
“And who made you the boss of everything?” you shot back, everyone starring between you and Steve with Natasha muttering ‘oh boy’ knowing that a fight was coming. Steve hasn’t spoken to you the last three weeks after you broke up and the first thing he says is that?
“Since I’m in charge of this team and I can’t let anything or anyone compromise it.” he snapped eyes hard his stare not moving away from yours.
“And since when do I compromise the team?” you demanded by this point really close to losing your temper with what you were hearing.
“You got reckless, injured and almost ruined the mission. Or did you forget that?” he replied his voice getting louder and Tony stood up to try and stop the situation from getting any worse.
“Look, guys-” you completely ignored him too mad to even try and be the bigger person and walk away.
“Oh, you mean the mission where I saved your ass and completed the mission.” you replied and before he had a chance to say anything you continued voice filled with sarcasm “What is it Captain ? You can’t handle it when someone else saves the day? You always have to be the hero right?”
“This is not what this is about.” Steve replied standing up his hole posture betraying how furious he was.
“The what is it about? Seems to me lately you’re doing a lot of things without giving any explanation.” your hands trembled and you saw coffee spilling to the floor but you couldn’t care right now.
“The point is you being reckless and disobeying orders compromises the team. My team!” he pointed at himself and you shook your head disappointed and sad. Frankly, you couldn’t recognize the person Steve had become after he broke up with you.
“Well maybe it’s about time I leave the team.” you replied voice low and empty of any fight you had left in you. You just couldn’t live like this anymore.
All the avengers looked at you stunned of what you had just said but you just turned around and left the room feeling the hot tears burning your eyes.
Steve sat down on his chair cursing under his breath for what had just happened while everyone around him continued with eating their food the awkwardness after you left hanging in the air.
“Good job, pal.” Bucky spoke low from his place next to Steve and Steve could only shoot a glare at his best friend because he knew he was right.
You went back to you room abandoning the cup of coffee you had dragged with you and sat on the still unmade bed hot tears running down your face. You wiped at the furiously angry at yourself for crying over a man who didn’t care about you, who didn’t love you but how dare he talk to you like that. You had sacrificed everything for this team and now he told you that you weren’t to be trusted. That you would compromise the team if you went in the field. Well, screw him.
You tried really hard to keep it together after the break up and right now it was proving impossible to keep doing that. You hands were shaking, your legs were bobbing up and down and the tears simply wouldn’t stop. Before you knew it the cup of coffee you brought with you was shuttered and the wall was covered with the dark brown liquid.
Before you knew it you had gotten up breaking everything that could be broken inside your bedroom feeling better every time something shattered. All the anger you had bottled down, all the feelings that were eating you alive every passing day seemed to be going away for a few seconds when you broke something, whether it was small or bad.
“Friday, what is that noise?” Tony asked when everyone heard thumbing sounds coming from somewhere inside the compound. They all stopped and look at each other waiting for an answer.
“I believe ms. Y/L/N is trying to break her bedroom window with a chair.” the AI responded after a few seconds.
“Dammit!.” Tony muttered as he got up going towards your room the rest of the avengers following behind incase you needed help, after all they didn’t know you were having a breakdown.
“Y/N!” Tony yelled opening the door to your room seeing broken stuff and your clothes on the floor while you threw a chair in the window that you knew wouldn’t break. “Y/N!” he yelled again when he saw that you hadn’t even realised he was in the room.
“Stupid thing!.”you fumed throwing the damaged chair to your left seeing the lamp on the bedside table to going for it getting ready to throw it against the window when two arms wrapped around you.
“Let me go!” you struggled against the hold and you were sure you looked like a crazy person but you didn’t have the energy to care.
“Kid, you need to calm down okay? That window is not going to break and you’re gonna hurt yourself.” you heard Tony speaking beside your ear and you stopped fighting him but as soon as you turned to the left you saw everyone who was standing there, Natasha, Wanda,Clint, Bruce, Bucky, Sam and you saw Steve too.
“Get out! Tell him to get out, Stark, now!” you demanded and Tony upon realising who were you talking about he spoke his arms still around you, preventing you for throwing and breaking anything else.
“Guys, if you could just...give us the room. I got this.” he pleaded and they nodded turning around and leaving the room but the door stayed open.
“Okay, I’m gonna let you go now try not to break my head with a lamp, alright?” Tony stepped back releasing his hold on you and you took a step away from him trying to catch your breath.
“What’s going on?” he asked placing his hand on your shoulder and you turned to look at him your face and eyes red and filled with tears.
“I- I can’t…” you tried to get out.
“Just breathe, Y/N.” Tony tried to help you and you nodded trying to take a few deep breaths.
“Everything is messed up, I can’t train, I can’t go into the field apparently, I can’t do anything.” you said and Tony looked at you sympathetically.
“We’re gonna fix that okay? Dr. Cho will be here in a few hours and then you’re gonna be back to training in no time.” he tried to calm you down but you just shook your head a fresh wave of tears making its way down your face.
“You don’t understand...every since…”you trailed off sniffling “I can’t do anything, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.” you cried “I’ve slept for four hours the last two days. My brain can barely function all I do is sit in this room and mop around because there’s nothing left for me to do. All I have was the team and he’s taking it away too.” you sobbed and Tony came forward and hugged you letting you cry to his shoulder before he pulled you back and gave you a small smile.
“Look, I’m gonna take care of the room, and you’re gonna get ready for Dr. Cho. Alright? We’ll talk more once you’ve calmed down.”
“Okay…” you whispered and Tony patted your shoulder turning away and cursing under his breath when he stepped on a piece of glass.
Steve heard the sound and left as quickly as he could not wanting anyone to realize he had heard your conversation.
A few hours later you were with Dr. Cho, Tony and Bruce down at the med bay under some kind of machinery that Dr. Cho promised to make you as good as new.
“Dr. Cho, not that I doubt you or anything but are we sure this is gonna work?” you looked nervously at her glancing down at the machine working on your leg.
“I’m sure, Y/N.” she smiled reassuringly at you checking to see if everything was going well. “You’ll be ready to go into training tomorrow if that’s what you wish to do.”
“You can’t imagine how happy I am to hear that.” you gave her a small smile and she went back to checking your vitals and talking with Bruce when she needed to.
“How you doing, kid.?” Tony came and gave you a drink while checking in on you.
“Better...sorry about before. I don’t know what came over me.” you confessed avoiding eye contact and he squeezed your shoulder.
“It’s alright. I’m sure the last few weeks have been tough on you. Just think you’ll be able to go back to training tomorrow. Break something in the gym instead of your room , hey?” he joked and you actually felt a small chuckle escaping your lips.
“Yeah…” you trailed off as he left taking a few sips and leaving your drink next to you.
At night sleep wouldn’t come, you tossed and turned but still you couldn’t fall asleep so when you saw the clock turning to 5 am you were out of bed and getting ready to head down to the gym.
Your leg really felt as good as new there wasn’t even a scar there anymore it’s like you were never injured.
You were at the gym for a few hours punching the boxing bag over and over again trying to relieve the stress and anger from your body when you heard the door opened. For a moment you feared that it was Steve and you were about to gather your things and leave when you noticed Natasha and Bucky coming in talking about something.
“Well, this is a surprise.” Natasha smirked walking over Bucky following her.
“Dr. Cho cleared me. I’m good to go so here I am.” you replied taking off the gloves placing them on the bench near the bag and taking off your water.
“You’re here early…” Bucky noticed and you shrugged.
“Couldn’t sleep…” you paused to drink water and missed the look Natasha and Bucky shared between them.
“So Nat? Wanna help me get back in the game?” you asked her raising an eyebrow.
“You weren’t gone that long.” she replied crossing her arms “But yeah, I’ll help you.”
“Hey!” protested Bucky “Who am I gonna train with then?” he yelled as you and Natasha were leaving going towards the mat where you could spar without fear of getting injured.
“I’m sure Sam will be glad to assist you.” Natasha yelled back as a reply and Bucky mumbled something before getting ready and taking the place you occupied earlier behind the punching bag.
This is how your days went. Wake up go to the gym, where you would spent most of you day, then eat something hang out anywhere that Steve was absent from and the struggle to sleep before you got up and do it all over again.
It was getting pretty tiring but it was the only way to distract your mind although the not sleeping thing didn’t seem to be much of a help. You had tried everything but even if you managed to fall asleep you would wake up a few hours later from nightmares you couldn’t even remember sometimes.
“Ms. Y/L/N.” Fridays voice came from above you. “You are needed in the briefing room.” you got up from the desk you were currently sitting on doing some paperwork.
“Do you know what is about Friday?” you asked the AI while walking down the long hallway.
“I believe the Guardians are here, m’am.” she replied and you looked at the ground in disbelief. What are the Guardians doing here?
Upon entering the briefing room you saw all the Avengers including the Guardians talking something that stopped once Quill spotted you.
“Well looks who’s here.” he exclaimed moving towards you “It’s been a while Y/N.” he continued pulling you into a hug to greet you.
“It’s hard to keep in contact with someone who’s in space, Peter.” you said pulling back looking at the rest of the team and noticing a new face.
You looked at the rest of the team before moving closer to greet them as well. “I am groot.” came groot’s voice from Rocket’s shoulder.
“I know, I missed you too buddy.” you patted his head.
“And this is Mantis.” Peter introduced the new member of the teams and you extended your hand to greet her. “Y/N, you might want to-”
“Hey, I’m Y/N.” Peter didn’t have time to warn you before Mantis took your hand in hers in addition to the rest of the Avengers who had been warned about her powers and were looking at you with wide eyes.
“Hi!” Mantis replied enthusiastically before her expression changed. “Oh, your sadness it’s too much.” you saw as she got tears in her eyes “You’re heartbroken.” she continued and you look frightened around you seeing everyone staring at you before your turned to Peter for help.
“Okay, Mantis enough.” he intervened taking both your hands and breaking them apart, Mantis breathing heavily and wiping at her eyes. “Mantis can read your feelings through contact.”
“Well it would have been nice to know a minute earlier.” you snapped angry that the whole room including Steve knew how you felt, how you were still heartbroken ever since he broke up with you.
“I’m sorry.” Mantis apologised “But you’re so sad, I could feel your heart aching.”
“Mantis!” Gamora hissed and she took a step back standing next to Drax.
“Alright.” Tony’s voice suddenly broke the moment which you were thankful for and you stood near the wall wrapping your arms around yourself feeling vulnerable after Mantis’s revelation. “Star- Lord, tell us what’s going on.”
You basically tuned out whatever it was said thinking about what Mantis had revealed in front of everyone, you just wanted the ground to open and swallow you whole. Your gaze was locked to the ground when you felt eyes on you and you lifted your head locking eyes with Steve who was looking at you, his face unreadable.
“Y/N? Are you in? This is an all hands on deck situation.” Tony asked and you glanced at Steve daring him to say anything about you not being cleared by him for a mission yet.
When he simply nodded at Tony you replied with a ‘yes’ before storming out of the room and going towards the roof to have some time to yourself.
“You’re really hard to find ya know?” you heard Peter’s voice a while later as he took a sit next to you on the roof.
“Sorry, just needed some fresh air.” you sniffled wiping at your eyes to get rid of the tears.
“What’s going on?” he nudged your shoulder looking at you with sympathetic eyes. “Did something happen with mr. America?”
“About two months ago, I took a bullet to the leg trying to protect him. It hit an artery...I almost bled out.” you explained playing with your hands to avoid looking at him. “Two weeks later he broke up with me.”
“I’m sorry…” he murmured wrapping an arm around your shoulders and you leaned into him accepting the comfort.
It felt nice to speak with someone who wasn’t on the team, sure you had confided in Natasha and Wanda but you didn’t want to bring them into an awkward position with Steve. But Peter was a friend you could always count on.
Ever since the Avengers started doing missions with the Guardians you and Peter had became close. Your personalities much and you made a great even though sometimes annoying pair as friends.
“Hey, Pete, can I ask you something?” you ask turning your face to get a better look at him and he nodded prompting you to continue with your question. “Do you think you have the room for one more in the Milano?”
The mission you exhausting to say the least how did Hydra had come upon alien technology it was beyond you but you had managed to put a stop on their activities. Everyone had injuries albeit small and everyone was ready to sleep for at least a week but not you.
“Quill, you’re staying for a while?” Tony asked handing a drink to Peter the avengers and the guardians sitting in the spacious kitchen in the avengers tower.
“Rocket should have the ship ready in a couple of hours.” Peter replied giving you a subtle look and you nodded ready to break the news to your team.
“Hey, Y/N, maybe we should put off that training session we were talking about tomorrow.” Natasha spoke rubbing at her shore leg a small grimace on her face.
“Um...yeah sure.” you replied taking a deep breath and clearing your throat. “Actually...I won’t be here tomorrow.” you stated and the room fell silent everyone turning and looking at you questioningly.
“What do you mean you’re not gonna be here tomorrow?” Steve was the one who responded first and you were taken aback by the hurtful look in his eyes.
“I mean I’ll be leaving tonight. With the Guardians.” You straightened your uniform suddenly feeling nervous and unable to look Steve in the eyes.
“Will you come back?” Wanda asked this time and the rest of them nodded like they wanted to ask the very same question themselves.
“Of course I will.” you rushed to answer “Guys, you are my team that won’t change...I just...I need to do this. For me.” so I can find myself again you let out the last part and look at your team who were still skeptical of your decision.
“Y/N will be fine with us…” Gamora spoke looking at you with a ghost of a smile Drax and Mantis nodding behind her.
“I mean...yeah we know our way around space.” Peter shrugged and smirked with Gamora shaking her head at his antics.
You laughed as well but it was cut short by a loud sound and you turned your gaze seeing the empty chair that Steve was sitting on.
“I should go gather my stuff…” you mumbled out an excuse while rushing out to catch Steve.
You felt like you owed him an explanation even though he was the one who broke up with you. Because he might not care about you but you did. That’s one of the reasons why you had to leave, you had to get over him.
“Steve…” you inquired seeing the open door to his room, a room you used to share, when he didn’t answer and simply stared outside you went in closing the door behind you to get some privacy.
“Steve.” you tried again now standing in front of him from where he was standing looking out the window.
“Is it because of what I said the other day?” he suddenly turned around looking at you straight in the eyes and for a moment you forgot how to breathe.
“No...that’s not it.” you shook your head sadly.
“Then what?” he demanded “Why are you leaving?”
“Because you broke my heart!” you exclaimed tears gathering in your eyes “You heard Mantis...I had to sit there while she told everyone how sad and heartbroken I am and I can’t do this. I can’t heal if I’m here, if I see you everyday knowing I can’t have you.” Steve stood still accepting every word you said knowing that he was at fault.
“You broke up with me, Steve. Not the other way around, I never wanted a break up. But you said your feelings for me where gone...you said you didn’t love me and I accepted that because all I want is for you to be happy and if you’re now happy with me then fine.” you continued your chest with your every breath.
“But mine aren’t. I still love you, Steve.” your voice broke a sob escaping your lips and you hastily whipped at your eyes the tears blurring your vision. “I don’t know how to live without you. So I need to go, I need to get over you.”
“All I ever wanted was to protect you. I wanted you safe.” he spoke after a few moments voice low and broken. “I never wanted to hurt you.” he admitted and you nodded staring at his now teary eyes.
“Just be safe, Y/N.” he said and you looked at each other, you didn’t know what you were waiting for; a hug maybe a kiss something. You didn’t expect him to just nod his head at you and to pass by you leaving the room.
You stood alone staring at the empty room that held so many good memories from you and Steve and you were reminded of the day of your break up.
“Hey, Steve…” Bucky’s voice trailed off once he was you instead of Steve in his room tears running steadily from your eyes. “Oh, Y/N…” he mumbled seeing the lost and heartbroken look in your eyes.
“I thought...I thought.” you tried to get out but your own words failed you as you cried and Bucky moved his arms wrapping around you in a second.
“A small part of me hoped that he was gonna stop me...but he just…” you took a shaky breath you head resting against his chest hands holding tight at the sides of his armour. “He just said ‘be safe’ and left…”
“I know, doll, I know.” Bucky mumbled kissing the top of your head and cursing his friend for the mess he had created for the both of you.
Goodbyes were hard, every goodbye is even if you try to convince yourself it’s a see you later . You hugged everyone promising to try and keep in touch even though it was gonna be hard and you tried to not let it show how much it bothered you that Steve wasn’t there. You didn’t expect him to be.
“If you ever need me…” you began looking at your team -Tony, Bruce, Natasha, Wanda, Bucky, Sam, Clint, Vision- “Just say the word and I’m there.”
“Don’t worry.” Natasha said speaking for everyone. “Go have your space experience, we’ll be here when you decide to come back.”
“Keep them in line, Stark.” you joked and Tony nodded.
“Always.”
With that you gave them one more smile before turning around and walking towards the Milano. You turned giving them a last wave which they returned and you got inside the door closing behind you.
Everyone buckled down getting ready for take off and you took a deep breath steading yourself for your first trip to space. You looked around seeing Mantis in her chair next to her was Drax who was already asleep with Groot on his shoulder while Peter and Rocket were piloting the ship.
“Are you okay?” Gamora asked from next to you a soft comforting smile on her lips.
“I will be.” you replied just as the ship left the ground.
Meanwhile Steve was watching from the inside of the tower as the Milano took off a heavy feeling setting on his heart a knot forming in his stomach.
“If you had asked her to stay she probably would have.” came a voice behind him but he didn’t bother to turn around just kept staring to the place the ship was a minute ago.
“It’s for the better. She’s not safe with me.” He replied solemnly and Bucky let out a disgruntled noise.
“You know Steve…” came Sam’s voice this time “you’re our friend and we love you but letting her go is probably the biggest, most stupid mistake you have ever made.” he stated and Bucky agreed both of them sitting with their arms crossed.
“I know guys, I know.” he shook his head tearing his gaze away from the empty lot and looked at his friends his eyes sad. “She made her decision and so did I.”
“She left.”