Archive of Our Own

“Have you ever been in love?” Heejin asks, a curious smile lighting up her face.

They were supposed to be studying at Heejin’s house, but after about thirty minutes both girls found themselves more interested in just about anything else. Heejin laid on her bed, looking up at the ceiling of her room. Her forgotten books laid beside her on the bed, pushed aside for a more comfortable position. Hyunjin sat on the desk chair next to the bed, occasionally spinning to see how dizzy she could get.

Hyunjin stops spinning momentarily at Heejin’s question, vision in a colorful daze that she isn’t sure where exactly Heejin even is talking from for a moment. She contemplates over lying and answering no, but her mouth stumbles out a “Yeah…” before she can stop it.

“Wait- really?!” Heejin exclaims, sitting up with an expression of complete and total excitement. A textbook falls off the bed but she could care less. “You never told me!”

“You never asked,” Hyunjin says lightheartedly, trying to giggle. Considering how dizzy she is, it probably makes sense that she sounds like she isn’t sure if she’s still in real life and didn’t accidentally get sent into another dimension with the power of chair-spinning.

“Well, who is it?” Heejin asks in loud excitement, clasping her hands together. “Tell me, tell me! You gotta tell me!”

Hyunjin shakes her head, a shy smile forming at her lips as she looks away. Her heart thumps unusually loud, maybe because of anxiety, or maybe because her body isn’t as equipped for chair-spinning as she’d like it to be. “It doesn’t matter, though. I know they don’t like me.”

Heejin’s previous bubbliness dissipates as she frowns, worried about her friend. “Wait, why?”

“It was some time ago,” Hyunjin recalls. “I think I’m over it,” she lies.

Heejin’s leaning forwards on her hand, looking at Hyunjin worriedly. “Did he hurt you?” Heejin asks all of a sudden, scarily serious.

Hyunjin can’t help but flinch, the pronoun seeming like it’s somehow trapping her inside a box. “Not exactly-”

“Then did he not return your feelings?” Heejin continues to push. “Who would do that? You’re beautiful! There’s no way someone can say no to you when you’re so pretty!”

“Oh, um. Thanks.” Hyunjin looks out the window at the outside world and watches the world around her slowly calm down before sighing and turning back towards Heejin. “It wasn’t mutual. I always knew they wouldn’t like me back but I guess I just fell really hard for them, you know?”

Heejin stands up and walks towards Hyunjin. She towers a bit over her, placing a comforting hand on Hyunjin’s back and rubbing soft circles. Before she can say anything, Hyunjin continues.

“It was just a stupid crush, I don’t know why I feel so strongly.”

“Hey, it’s okay, it happens. Sometimes people feel so much love that it hurts, it’s okay to feel strongly about someone.”

“Love sucks,” Hyunjin admits. “I hate having to hide my feelings. I hate never being able to express them.”

“Wait, you haven’t told him how you feel yet?” Heejin asks, wanting to see how she can help her friend out.

“I-I can’t.” Hyunjin stammers, causing Heejin to surge forwards to hug her best friend, and Hyunjin accepts the hug. She whimpers softly in Heejin's arms.

Heejin knows she shouldn’t push, but seeing her best friend like this breaks her heart. “How long have you felt like this?”

“Gosh, I don’t even know .” Hyunjin laughs slightly. “Everything was okay and then I suddenly noticed it one day, and from that very first moment I knew   I would end up with a broken heart.”

Heejin bites her bottom lip, trying to keep her thoughts to herself, but then she can’t help herself and continues anyway. “If you’ve never expressed your feelings, then maybe that’s why they hurt so much.”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything for a moment, but then she pushes herself off of Heejin and stares at her best friend with confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you express your feelings then you can start moving on. You need some assurance of whether or not you should still hope that it’s not one-sided. Like a conclusion to your feelings. Even if the truth hurts, maybe if you confess then you can start moving on from heartbreak?”

“My heart wouldn’t be broken if I already knew the truth,” Hyunjin answers solemnly, looking downwards. “Trust me, Heejin. This is a one-sided love.”

“Then confess anyway. Tell him how you feel, and if he rejects you then I’ll comfort you with a bunch of ice cream.”

“I really can’t, Heejin.”

“I hate seeing you so sad… I’ll always be here for you, you know that right? No matter what happens, I’ll be there.” Heejin leans in to plant a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s forehead.

“Thanks,” Hyunjin smiles softly.

“Valentine’s Day is tomorrow,” Heejin points out, pursing her lips. “Maybe you should-”

“I always give them chocolate, but they always take it as platonic… Anyway, it’s getting late. I should start heading back.”

“But you were supposed to sleep over tonight…” Heejin pouts, genuinely sad that Hyunjin was leaving but more so upset that the conversation had made Hyunjin uncomfortable.

“I feel too tired now. I’ll see you tomorrow, Heejin.”

Heejin feels like getting up and grabbing Hyunjin’s hand, feels like pulling her in for another hug. But then Hyunjin leaves and all Heejin managed to do was stretch her hand towards the girl, a second too late.

She ponders on what to do tomorrow. Heejin spent the past few Valentines trying to find the courage to just give Hyunjin a box of chocolate, but she always chickens out at the last second when it comes to confessing.

Heejin sighs, heart heavy, and goes back to trying to study. Hyunjin’s probably really hung up on this guy, so Heejin admitting her feelings for her will probably only make her more stressed.

~

Valentine’s Day is going about as well as usual. It’s only the start of the day and Hyunjin already heard some ugly crying coming from the girls' bathroom, though the really violent sobbing is coming from the boys' bathroom. And there’s a lack of joyful new couples, though there’s a lot of previously established couples spending every second they have together like they won’t see each other ever again.

“Should I give Sooyoung-unnie my heart?” Jiwoo cutely asks Hyunjin, holding out the heart-shaped chocolate box.

“No, she’s graduating this year and you’re gonna remember today with sadness because of it,” Hyunjin deadpans, eyes narrowed.

Jiwoo pouts. “I was just being cute, no need to be grumpy…”

“I’m not grumpy, I’m just saying the truth,” Hyunjin frowns.

“ Ooh , I see Sooyoung-unnie now!” Jiwoo squeaks in excitement, unaffected by Hyunjin’s grumpiness. “Wish me luck!” she says before bouncing away. “Oh, and good luck with Heejin!"

Hyunjin blinks. “Eh?”

Am I really that obvious?

~

“So, did Heejin confess already?” Yeojin asks Hyunjin when they’re supposed to work on a group project.

“Stop joking around and do your work,” Hyunjin answers, not wanting to admit how much the teasing gets to her.

Yeojin’s eyes widen. “S-she hasn’t yet…?” she asks, completely mortified.

Hyunjin’s eyes narrow as she presses her pencil down a little harder on her paper. “I’m not in the mood, so stop it.”

Yeojin stays quiet for a remarkably long and peaceful five seconds before piping up again. “You’re really grumpy for someone who’s gotten more roses than anyone else this year.”

“I’m not grumpy!” Hyunjin hisses. She glances at her bag, which is filled with only some of the roses she’s been given because she’s gotten so many that she gets to choose the prettiest ones to take home. “And I don’t have that many roses,” she says truthfully like a liar does.

“I saw you throw some out before you came in-”

Hyunjin glares at her. It manages to get Yeojin to stop.

“Fine, fine…”

“Good. Now shut it.”

“I understand why you’re grumpy, though,” Yeojin says not a second later.

Hyunjin sighs, giving up and letting her pencil fall out of her hand.

“I would be sad too if the person that counts is the only one who hasn’t given me a rose yet,” Yeojin continues, a wistful look in her eyes that looks really out-of-place.

“Stop sounding smart when you only have five. And you gave yourself one of them!”

“But I don’t have a sixth,” Yeojin answers, and this time Hyunjin can’t help but feel bad about it. “You really like Heejin, right?” she asks to go back on topic. “That’s why you’re so grumpy about it, right?”

Hyunjin pouts, her previous state of denial slowly faltering. “I didn’t see her this morning so I really miss her. I always feel so bad when someone confesses to me and I turn them down, but having her around meant I could avoid those situations a bit easier.”

“What would you do if she’s the one confessing to you?” Yeojin asks, poking Hyunjin’s arm.

Hyunjin smiles a bit, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “She doesn’t like me like that.”

“You’re avoiding the question~” Yeojin sings in a high voice, bubbly and excitable and back to being annoying.

“I’d say yes,” Hyunjin answers, and her heart is thumping with just the thought of it even if she knows it’ll never happen. “You know I can’t say no to her.”

“Does that mean that you’re still waiting on her rose?” Yeojin asks with her eyes bright.

“Only if it meant something…”

“Only if it meant what?” Yeojin all about jumps in her seat with newfound energy.

Hyunjin rolls her eyes but figures it’s alright. “Only if it meant I could say yes.”

~

“Kim Hyunjin!” Heejin shouts out at the top of her lungs, getting everyone’s attention in the cafeteria.

Hyunjin looks up, spooked. She was just drawing a cute little cat on the corner of her notebook who’s grumpily munching on bread and now there’s line right through the bread because Hyunjin moved so abruptly- but she could care less about her drawing because Heejin’s holding a rose .

“I need to talk to you!” Heejin continues, walking with purpose from across the room, one hand holding the brightest red rose and the other behind her back.

“Um, what’s up?” Hyunjin says when Heejin’s close enough to talk at a normal volume.

“Here,” Heejin says shakily, revealing a box of chocolates and placing it in Hyunjin’s hands. Her own hands shake slightly so she plays with the rose’s plastic wrapping, awaiting for Hyunjin’s answer.

Hyunjin’s heart skips a beat, but she quickly notices at how Heejin is still holding that rose. She knows better than to assume it's for her, considering Heejin hasn't given it to her, and so she does her best to calm her heart down. “Aww, thanks, you didn’t have to~”

“It’s really small,” Heejin laughs, even though the box is actually a tiny bit bigger than normal. “ The box was too small to place all of my heart inside, ” she sings out, her voice carrying through the cafeteria.

Hyunjin recognizes the lyric, from one of their favorite artists. She’s hyper aware at the fact that that song is a love song.

“ It’s not even half of half of half, ” Heejin continues, though feeling awkward since everyone is basically staring at her. “ But if you can still feel it, if you realized the love in my heart… ”

Hyunjin’s hand hovers over the label on the box with her name in flowery writing.

“ Can I wait for you next month? ” Heejin finishes singing, smiling shyly and extending the rose towards Hyunjin.

The label cheesily says, will you be mine?

At that moment, the school bell rings. As the mess of the student body gets up and move quickly to get to their classes, Hyunjin grabs Heejin by the arm and pulls her down so their faces are closer.

Heejin feels a soft sweetness and it’s enough for her heart to skip a beat, but when she open her eyes, Hyunjin had quickly gotten up to leave, both the rose and box of chocolate still on the table.

~

“How did things with Sooyoung-unnie go?” Heejin asks Jiwoo, voice quiet so their teacher doesn’t hear that they’re talking.

Jiwoo sighs dreamily. “She accepted the chocolate and fed me a strawberry!” she answers excitedly and loud .

Heejin rolls her eyes, knowing that it’s not reasonable to expect Jiwoo of all people to be quiet for more than two seconds. “That’s great!”

Jiwoo’s eyes darken for a moment. “She left really quickly and didn’t say much, though…”

“Give her time and maybe she’ll tell you what she feels,” Heejin helpfully gives advice, patting Jiwoo’s shoulder. “She accepted the chocolate so that has to count as something!” There’s a little twinge of jealousy in her own heart.

Jiwoo nods, smiling brightly once again. “Oh, what about you?”

Heejin groans, but her smile doesn’t leave her face. “What do you wanna know?”

“First off, who confessed first?”

Heejin furrows her eyebrows. “I don’t think she was going to… She seemed really surprised when I gave her the chocolate, and she’s still hung up on someone else so I doubt-”

Jiwoo starts to basically scream. “I always knew you were the confident gay!”

“Jiwoo, shush!”

“I always knew you were the confident gay…!”

Heejin glances at their teacher, but thankfully he was too engrossed in talking about history to notice that they weren’t paying attention.

“So, how did you do it?” Jiwoo asks, bouncing in her seat. “Did you give it to her casually, did you profess your undying love for her??”

Heejin’s cheeks warm up at the memory. “I sang a bit of ‘Valentine Girl’ for her…”

Jiwoo almost screams if Heejin hadn’t made a motion to shut up. The teacher glared at them yet continued with his lecture.

Jiwoo mouths out an indescribable mess that Heejin has trouble interpreting as a language, but she understands it would probably sound like a keysmash of Jiwoo-sounds anyway.

~

Hyunjin hasn’t said a single word and Heejin’s worried. They always walk home together, as best friends do, always talk about each other’s day, as best friends do, and always hold each other’s hands, as best friends- Okay, maybe not so much in a platonic fashion, but the point is it used to be.

The taller girl is completely silent, hands stuck at her side rigidly. At least they were walking home together, but now with this new tension between them…

Heejin was starting to feel like maybe she shouldn’t have confessed. Well, sorta confessed. Actually, was Hyunjin aware that Heejin confessed? She must be, or else she wouldn’t be so quiet right now… But Hyunjin had also kissed her, though? Was Hyunjin unsure of her feelings and did that on a whim?

Everyone, especially Yeojin, kept telling Heejin to just go for it and confess, but Hyunjin’s silence just made her angry at herself for following their advice.

“Do you think we should talk?” Heejin asks, fed up with the silence.

Hyunjin just looks at the ground and says nothing.

“I know you’re still hung up on that guy…” Heejin continues. “And that you’re probably not ready for a relationship because of it but…”

Hyunjin lifts her head up to look at her.

“And I completely understand that, but I don’t know how things will go back to normal after today.”

Hyunjin still doesn’t say anything.

“I guess I won’t wait for you next month, then?” Heejin jokes, but there’s no humor in her voice. Her heart hurts, but she doesn’t feel like crying yet. She should’ve guessed that things wouldn’t be this easy, should’ve done like every other year and avoided these feelings.

“Were you…” Hyunjin starts, but she’s so quiet that Heejin almost doesn’t hear her. “Were you being serious about that?”

Heejin nods and meets her eye. “Y-yeah…”

“You were just trying to cheer me up, right?” Hyunjin asks, averting her gaze. “Because you love me and all that, and you don’t want me to feel sad and lonely in Valentine’s Day. That’s why you did it, right?”

“Well, I guess? But-”

Hyunjin sighs, placing a hand over her face in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry I kissed you! For a moment I thought you were confessing, I shouldn’t have assumed… You were just singing that song and you looked so pretty and my name was on the heart, and then you gave me a  rose!   I’m sorry, I got too into the moment…”

“That’s fine, Hyunjin,” Heejin laughs awkwardly. “Really, you don’t have to apologize for that-”

“And I was gonna give you some chocolate, too, but I wasn’t sure if I should confess, and I didn’t see you until then and you were singing… ” Hyunjin continues to ramble on.

“I take it that you liked my singing?” Heejin asks, biting her lower lip and gazing affectionately at the taller girl next to her who now won’t be quiet long enough for Heejin to explain to her that these feelings are mutual.

“You sound like an angel!” Hyunjin stops to breathe, staring wide eyed at Heejin like she still couldn’t believe how good Heejin’s singing was.

Heejin breaks out into a full, bright smile, her face heating up a bit again.

“I shouldn’t have let my feelings get to me, I promise to be a better friend.” Hyunjin bows respectfully, which just makes Heejin giggle.

“I' ll be looking forward to you, who is sweeter than words, ” Heejin sings out.

Hyunjin hides her face in her hands, overcome with so many emotions. “Noo, if you do things like that then it’ll make everything harder!”

Heejin laughs and slips her hand around Hyunjin’s arm, pulling them closer like she would any other day.

“So,” Hyunjin bites her lower lip, “You’re not weirded out by me?”

“Funny story, actually…”

Hyunjin widens her eyes, her imagination exploring every possibility- “Oh no, what did Jiwoo do?”

“I actually was confessing to you in the cafeteria…”

Hyunjin just stares at her.

“Jiwoo called me a confident gay when I told her-”

“You’re gay?”

“I think? I like you a lot, even though you’re a panicky mess…”

“Heejin,” Hyunjin says to get her attention.

“What?”

There’s that soft sweetness on Heejin’s lips again, pressed a little longer this time. Heejin’s heart skips multiple beats as she returns the kiss, cupping Hyunjin’s face with a hand to make sure she doesn’t leave again.

Heejin’s the first to pull away, smiling brighter than the sun, though it falters for a second when she remembers something. “Wait, are you sure you want a relationship right now? I’m cool with waiting until you’re ready, so long as we still get to cuddle.”

Hyunjin just pulls her in for a kiss again.

Heejin dodges, though smiling sheepishly as Hyunjin kisses her cheek instead. “Really, you shouldn’t enter a relationship if you’re still heartbroken over that guy-”

“I may have lied about that…” Hyunjin admits.

Heejin narrows her eyes. “You seemed really sad though?”

“I was talking about you…”

“Oh.” It sinks in. “ Oh .”

“Yeah…”

“Wait…” It sinks in a little further. “Does that mean that you’ve been trying to confess to me all these years? ”

“It’s possible that I maybe might have possibly done that… Or, well, tried to...”

Heejin kisses her again. “Pro-tip, don’t confess with friendship chocolate.”

“It was my backup plan so things wouldn’t end up weird…”

They both just laugh at each other for being so oblivious. Hyunjin swings their hands as they walk home together, and it feels like finally .