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There's No Map

Summary:

At the prompting of the computer lab monitor, Evan goes after Connor to retrieve his letter. Connor returns the letter, but keeps a picture of the letter that he threatens to post online if Evan doesn't agree to have lunch with him for the rest of the school year. Without seeing any other viable option, Evan agrees.

Abandoned at the time after posting chapter 3. A dutiful fan kept reminding me about how they loved the story, so I finally dug up my draft for it and you can have the rough draft with rough lyrics and notes about what I wanted to do better in the final draft. I have no intentions of going back to record all the songs I wrote (as I had music and lyrics and was working on getting them to work together) and recording the music was a main reason this was abandoned.

Notes:

This deals with the heavy themes from Dear Evan Hansen. Please proceed with caution. I've put the warning in the tags, let me know if I missed any.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Does Anybody Want Me Here?

Chapter Text

September 4, 2018

Connor took a deep breath and entered the school. This was going to be the worse day ever. He flattened his hair strategically in front of his face, glad his parents had finally stopped policing his appearance. It was much nicer to have something to hide behind.

The only thing that would make today better was if he could still have his phone and music. Well, he would also like for his stash of pot to not have been confiscated, but his parents took care of that. He had to deal with the jerks in his year without any coping mechanisms. That always went well. NOT.

He walked down the hall. Only five more minutes until class when someone will poke him in the back with their pencil or kick his chair until he explodes. Always how it went. Wonder when the freshmen will pick up on the rumors, violent Connor plans on bringing a gun to school. If he had a gun, he definitely wouldn’t be using it to shoot up a school.

He almost ran into someone. It was Evan, Evan Hansen.

He couldn’t breathe. He waved at Evan, as if they were friends! He was totally still high. Evan never noticed him and this time was no different.

He made it to the end of the hall and only a minute had passed. Great. Four more minutes until he could go to class and wait for the rest of the horrors of the day. Was this how he was going to spend the rest of the day? Year? Life?

He turned and continued moving. If he stopped he would be a target. Keep moving, it was the best tactic.

“Hey, Connor!” A male voice pulled Connor from his angry pacing through the halls. He stopped.

“I’m loving the new hair length—”

A guy noticed him. Jared Kleinman? Maybe he should have fought for his long hair—

“—very school shooter chic.”

Of course. It wasn’t a compliment. This was his classmates’ weird form of chicken. Let’s play with Connor until he explodes. He glared with all the hatred boiling just under the surface. He could keep his cool. Just one more day and it would be all over.

“I’m kidding. It was a joke.” Jared said, egging Connor on.

“Yeah, no,” Connor found himself saying, luckily he wasn’t yelling. He had no clue why he hadn’t snapped yet. “It was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Jared laughed. “You’re such a freak.” Then he left.

Connor stared at the empty space, glad that Jared hadn’t pushed him anymore. He should have snapped, but didn’t. Was that improvement?

But then he could still hear laughter and that was the last straw.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor rounded on the audience laughing at his expense.

“What?”

Feigned innocence was the worst! Rage boiled through every vein.

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I’m not.”

It was Evan. He just blew up at Evan.

“You think I’m a freak?”

Shit! Shit! Shit! Evan thought he was a freak. He was with Jared and Walt and them in thinking he was going to kill them.

“I’m not the freak,” he found himself speaking over whatever Evan was saying, tears were brimming in his eyes now. “You’re the fucking freak!”

His hands were filled with warmth and Evan was on the ground. FUCK!

Connor ran to the bathroom and slammed the stall door closed behind him. Tears were falling from his face, hopefully no one saw them on his way here. He kicked the toilet and punched the stall wall.

Someone scrambled out of the bathroom. This would be the rumor to start the year. Connor bullied poor Evan Hansen and then started destroying the bathroom.

Fuck, fuck fuck! He shoved Evan Hansen. What was he thinking? Evan fucking Hansen.

Connor was leaning his face against the stall door, pounding with his fist to hide the sound of his sobs. He wanted Evan to notice him, but not in that way.

The bell rang and Connor remained in the bathroom. No one wanted him in class anyway. He would just end up hurting someone else.

Connor was sitting on the toilet when the PA system made an announcement.

“Connor Murphy, please make your way to the office. Connor Murphy, please come to the office.”

He hadn’t even gone to his first class and he was already in trouble. There was no way this year was going to be worth all the pain.

 

He passed Zoe on his way into the office. She pretended not to notice him, as usual at school.

“Connor Murphy,” the principal said as Connor entered the office. “Is it true that you shoved Evan Hansen today?”

Connor sighed and took his usual seat in front of the desk as he nodded in response to the question.

“Were you aware that Evan Hansen suffers from acute social anxiety disorder?”

Connor shrugged.

“Well, he does and your behavior today only makes it harder on him.”

Connor sunk lower into his seat at the thought that he made Evan’s day worse. Evan had a harder time at everything than him and here he was pushing him around. Connor was a jerk, that surprised no one.

“For your behavior, you will serve in-school-suspension for the rest of today. I—I know you don’t mean to be this way…Why don’t you try and be friends with Evan? He needs them just as much as you.”

Connor didn’t reply. He hadn’t thought that Evan was friendless. He saw him with Jared or Alana or Zoe on the rare occasion. Being friends with Evan sounded nice.

“Well, make your way to detention. You know the way.”

The detention room was empty. This was going to be much better than being in class with everyone else.

 

When the bell for the end of the day rang, Connor had decided that he would try to be friends with Evan. There was a lot weighing on it for him, but he could try. Tomorrow. Evan was a nice boy, it might take a while, but he might forgive Connor for what he did.

He had to wait for Zoe to finish whatever practice she had so he headed to the computer lab. The computer lab was nice on the first day because no one was there because they didn’t have any real homework yet. It would be less nice when it got crowded once more.

The lab was empty except for the monitor who had their own headphones in watching a TV show. Connor opened a video and was about to play it out loud in the lab since his headphones were all confiscated, but at that moment the lab door opened.

It was Evan Hansen. He gave a shrug-wave to Connor as he made his way to a computer station. He noticed him. Evan Hansen noticed him.

Connor couldn’t help but watch Evan as he worked on something. He was dumb to be pinning after someone he had nothing in common with and he had only been mean to in prior interactions. He looked and noticed that Evan had a cast on his left arm.

Shit! Had he broken Evan’s arm this morning? No…there was no way Evan would be back at school already if that was the case, would he?

Connor sunk his head into his hands. He must have. This was why Principal Ekerds had been so mad with him. The principal also told him to go and try to make friends with Evan, but how could he do that if he was responsible for the cast on his arm?

He watched Evan as he tried to come up with a myriad of ways to talk to Evan to try and be friends. All of them avoided apologizing because that would be too hard. He remembered when he broke his arm in elementary school and people signed his cast…maybe he could offer to sign Evan’s cast?

He examined Evan’s cast and realized that no one had signed it. That had to mean that you didn’t get people to sign your cast when you were in high school. Signing casts was an immature thing to do. He couldn’t go up and ask to sign Evan’s cast.

The printer went off. Connor looked to the lab monitor and then to Evan. The lab monitor was still watching his TV show, it had to be Evan’s paper. Evan looked distressed.

Connor looked to the printer. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to grab his paper for him. It was a nice thing to do. Then he could simply ask about how Evan broke his arm. Small talk. He could do this.

He picked up the paper from the printer and headed to Evan, taking a deep breath before approaching Evan.

“So, um, what happened to your arm?”

Evan turned, surprised to see Connor there.

Connor took a deep breath because it was suddenly really difficult to breathe.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.”

The deep breath had been a bad idea because now he was laughing. Laughing at Evan’s expense.

“You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” stumbled out of Connor’s mouth. It was true, but it wasn’t nice. He could never control himself. He was always such a jerk!

Evan gave a nervous chuckle. “I know.”

Both of their laughing suddenly stopped leaving an empty silence. Connor looked at his cast since Evan’s face was making him nervous.

“No one’s signed your cast,” he said because his mind went to the previous debate on what he should or should not say.

“No, I know,” Evan said, rubbing it self-consciously.

“I’ll sign it,” Connor suggested, avoiding looking up into Evan’s face. Screw this being an immature activity. Connor was immature. He was going to go all in. Maybe seeing Connor’s name might make Evan think more fondly of him later, wasn’t there something about the psychology of familiar things?

“Oh, um…you don’t have to,” Evan said, trying to blow it off.

Connor patted his pockets realizing that his parents had stopped letting him have Sharpies after he got in trouble for vandalizing stuff at school.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan looked him over for a moment. It was coming. The moment of rejection when his hand of friendship would be rejected.

But then Evan reached into his pocket and pulled out a sharpie.

Connor took the sharpie from him and opened it. The scent hit his nose and it was like they were back in elementary school. He started writing his name, thinking of his marker set with all the colors.

He finished and closed the marker. The scent was gone and he realized he was in high school, with no friends, trying to make friends with the boy he bullied, and that he had just written his name in all-caps across the entirety of his cast. What was he doing? Trying to claim Evan?

“Oh, great,” Evan said, examining Connor’s work. “Thanks.”

Evan thought that Connor had been ridiculous too. This was the end of any hope of a friendship with Evan.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor said gruffly, hoping to play it off. He needed to get out before he made it worse.

There was an awkward silence before Evan reached out for the marker and replied, “Good point.”

Oh shit, Evan really needed someone, but Connor wasn’t that person. He was too coarse to be friends with Evan. He turned to leave the computer lab when he noticed he still had the paper from the printer.

Connor checked the top of it to make sure it actually belonged to Evan before forcing himself to interact with him anymore. The top of it read, “Dear Evan Hansen.”

Of course, Evan has friends, just not here.

“Is this yours?” Connor said, holding out the paper. “I found it on the printer.”

When Evan didn’t immediately respond, Connor feared that he knew that Connor picked it up as an excuse to talk to him, his crush. He had to make this less weird.

 “’Dear Evan Hansen,’ that’s your name, right?” Connor asked as if he hadn’t been thinking about how beautiful a name it was.

Evan’s face flashed in fear. Why would Connor handing him his printed letter make him fear? Did he have a secret boyfriend? That would be an interesting turn of events…

“Oh, that’s just a stupid….it’s a paper I had to write for, a, um, for an assignment…” Evan stuttered as Connor looked at the paper.

The first thing that caught his eye was the Z in the second paragraph, Zoe. Zoe? That was his sister’s name.

“’Because there’s Zoe.’” Connor read out loud without realizing it. Shit. “Is this about my sister?”

Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope if pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all.” Connor read to himself.

Pinned on Zoe. Partially sexual and moderately creepy, but Connor knew Evan and Zoe had talked a few times. That means it was fake, a fake letter written so he would find it.

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it.” Connor said, pieces coming together. This morning with Jared. Evan was in with Jared.

“What?” Evan replied again. He had done this earlier when Jared had called him a school shooter. He wasn’t actually alone and friendless, he was teamed up in playing Connor Chicken.

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so I would find it.” Connor said, realizing there was no other explanation.

“Why—?”

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?” Connor said, his voice rising as he realized Evan was just another one of the people who wished Connor didn’t exist. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?”

“No, wait. I don’t even…what?” Evan said.

Connor’s heart broke. Here he was trying to make amends and really Evan was the one bullying him and no one could see that.

“FUCK YOU!” Connor shouted and ran out of the room, once again hiding tears as he ran from the room.

He ran to the bathroom and locked the main door. The principal lied. Evan didn’t need friends, he had friends. Tears were already streaming down his face.

No, keep it together. You’re overreacting. There has to be a better way to interpret this.

He looked down to the base of the letter to see the name of who had sent the letter:

“Sincerely your best and most dearest friend, Me.”

That wasn’t helpful. Well, maybe the Zoe thing wasn’t so creepy if he read the entire letter?

“Dear Evan Hansen, It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…why would it be?”

Shit. Sweet Evan Hansen forged a suicide note for me.

 

CONNOR

Is there any other way that I can take this?

Have I fucked up life so much that there’s no one who wants me here?

Maybe this year I can end, everyone’s problems before I offend again

So they won’t have to deal with me.

 

Oh fuck! I shoved him and most likely broke his arm and then demanded that he permit me to sign his cast…really big, like trying to claim him big. Everyone is going to see, everyone is going to ask him and he will have to explain that the person who broke his arm forced him to let him write on his cast. FUCK! Why was I so stupid!

Connor looked down to the letter to try and find something to distract from that horrible realization.

Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all.”

I wish everything was different. I wish that I was part of…Something. I wish that anything I said….Mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?”

There was one line that jumped out at Connor as the thesis statement of Evan’s forged suicide note.

“I wish everything was different,” Connor read aloud.

 

CONNOR

The only line in here that’s by him and for him.

An honest line that notes I’m hurting him or someone else every day.

I knew I shouldn’t’ve come to school today

Can’t find a way to stop

 

Does anybody want me here?

Anybody maybe happen to know how the fuck to stop this?

I don’t know if life take luck, but I just can’t do anything right

So where’s the end?

I need to stop.

‘Cause the scary truth is, I’m just a jerk

And I’m fucking everyone up as I go.

Chapter 2: Each Day's Another Wrong Turn

Summary:

At the prompting of the computer lab monitor, Evan goes after Connor to retrieve his letter. Connor returns the letter, but keeps a picture of the letter that he threatens to post online if Evan doesn't agree to have lunch with him for the rest of the school year. Without seeing any other viable option, Evan agrees.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

September 4, 2018

Evan stood in the computer lab staring at the closing lab door at the retreating back of Connor through the glass of the door.

“I really need that back,” Evan repeated to the closed door as Connor made his way into the bathroom down the hall. “Please?”

He had already packed all his things. His mother would be here any minute and Dr. Sherman would be very upset if Evan showed up without a letter. It would be the second time and Evan did not want to be met with the same disappointment as last time. It was unbearable.

Evan looked at the computer and debated if he had time to write another letter…but he really didn’t want to write another letter. It was exhausting trying to figure out what to say. He was already exhausted from writing the letter Connor stole.

“Go and ask for your homework back,” the lab monitor said, making Evan jump from the sudden acknowledgement of his presence. “If he doesn’t give it back, tell me and I’ll set the principal on him.”

Evan nodded. Then realized he agreed to listen to this person’s advice and would have to go and follow it or have to endure them staring at him forever wondering why he never listened to their solid advice. He left the lab and began making his way to the bathroom, slowly.

EVAN

Another promising first day ends with disaster

One person signed my cast

And then he stole my letter

And now I have to get it back.

I don’t even know where to begin,

Each day’s another wrong turn.

Does anybody have a map?

Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?

I don’t know if you can tell,

But I have no clue what to do.

So where’s the answer?

I need a clue.

‘Cause I have no clue

How to do anything right.

Evan pulled on the bathroom door, but it was locked. He knocked.

No answer.

Of course this was how it was going to go.

“It shouldn’t be locked already,” a voice came from behind him, making him jump again.

Evan looked behind him to see a teacher. Words just came tumbling out of his mouth in excuse.

“It wasn’t, Connor’s…Someone’s in the using…I need locked…I mean it’s locked and I need Con—”

“Let me,” the teacher said, pushing Evan aside.

Evan bounced on his toes and played with his shirt as the teacher knocked on the door. His knock sounded loud and professional. Were there professional door knockers? If there were, this teacher would be a good one.

“Open up,” the teacher barked through the door. “If you need privacy use the stalls. The bathrooms need to be available to everyone. There’s another boy out here who needs to use the restroom.”

Evan felt his face turn red as the door to the bathroom unlocked. He really didn’t need to use the bathroom, but if the teacher followed him in to talk to Connor, he would have to pretend to use the bathroom so he wouldn’t contradict what he said.

Evan heard the click of the door unlocking and immediately pushed to open it. He was relieved when he saw that the teacher didn’t follow him in. He didn’t want to have to pretend to use the bathroom. He needed to try and get his letter back and get out to the pick-up loop because his mother was likely already waiting for him.

Then he was in front of Connor again and Connor was staring at him like a mangy dog staring at a trespassing stranger. Evan suddenly remembered that he was supposed to get his letter back from Connor.

“Sorry, I, um, uh please, can I have it back?” Evan asked. “The letter. Sorry, uh, can I have my letter back please?”

Just then his phone began to ring. Evan quickly pulled it out and saw that it was his mother. He quickly responded.

“I’m coming, sorry. I’m in the bathroom. I’ll hurry up. Loveyoubye.”

As he hung up, Connor reached out and took the phone from his hand. Evan stared at him in shock. First his letter and now his phone?

Connor then started doing something with the letter and the phone. Evan stared trying to figure it out and then felt really dumb when he realized that he was taking a picture of his letter. Connor was taking a picture of his therapy letter. Crap.

“I’ll post this to the internet,” Connor said, handing the letter back, “If you don’t have lunch with me for the rest of the school year.”

Evan stared. This was why Connor wanted to take a picture of his letter. He wanted to show everyone in school how crazy Evan was and how Evan was obsessed with Zoe, when he really wasn’t it was just a crush, but it did really feel like everything hung on his ability to make friends with the person he had a crush on. The only option to not let Zoe think that he was obsessed in more than the normal crush-way was to have lunch with Connor. It wasn’t like Evan had anyone to sit with at lunch anyway.

“Um, sorry, um, where?” Evan asked as Connor shoved his phone into his casted hand. He noticed the image had sent to an unsaved number.

Connor’s glossy eyes widened.

“I’ll meet you at your locker,” Connor said quickly before pushing past Evan out into the hallway.

EVAN

Does anybody have a map?

Anybody maybe happen to know what the hell just happened?

I don’t know if I’m in trouble or if I just avoided a fight?

I need a clue

‘cause I don’t have a clue

I’m flying blind

I’m flying—

And my mom’s waiting for me, I better go.

I better go

CONNOR

Anybody want me here?

Anybody else want to tell me to go and off myself?

I thought Evan would be different, but I was just fooling myself

So where’s the end?

Maybe he will see that

I’m not a jerk,

That I’m not a jerk!

Who fucks everyone up as I go.

As I go.


Evan pushed the door open and was relieved to see that Connor had already run off. He wasn’t sure how to handle seeing him again before whatever happened at lunch tomorrow. He shoved his phone into his pocket and ran to the parent pickup loop.

His mother was there and Evan had taken so long that she had opened his door. Evan worried about how long it had been open and losing the air conditioning of the car to the outdoor air. Then he worried about an armed robber climbing in and threatening his mother, hijacking the car and forcing her to drive to Bolivia.

“Do you have your letter for Dr. Sherman?” Mom asked as he climbed in the open door.

Evan nodded, setting it face down on the arm rest between the two front seats. He closed the door and his mother started driving before he had his seatbelt on. He began to panic, but managed to take a deep breath and reach for the seatbelt. This was a consequence for being late. He could manage.

He buckled his seat belt and then took his letter back and put it on his lap, trying hard to not think about everything that had just happened with Connor.

“Who’s Connor?” His mother asked, sending Evan’s heartbeat through the roof.

How did she know about Connor? Had the principal called her about Connor bullying him this morning? Had Zoe talked to his mother? Were Zoe and his mother secretly friends and it would be immensely awkward when he tried to ask her out because then his mother would talk to her the entire time? Had she actually come into the school and seen the whole scene with Connor?

“The Connor who signed your cast? Is he a friend? I don’t remember him.”

“Oh, um,” Evan looked down at his cast and saw Connor’s giant name staring back up at him. He had forgotten all about it in the chaos of Connor taking the letter. He wasn’t sure what to say about Connor.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” mother said.

Evan sensed the tiny bit of hurt in her voice. It made him feel guilty, but if he told her the truth about how Connor bullied him this morning and then forced Evan to let him sign his cast and then stole his therapy letter and then threatened to post it if Evan didn’t eat lunch with him, she would hurt more and call the principal and make Evan’s life worse because by that point Connor would post the letter for breaking the unspoken rule about telling other people about the deal and—

“But I hope you will tell Dr. Sherman all about it,” she continued, pulling Evan from his thoughts. “You will tell Dr. Sherman about your friend Connor, right?”

Evan nodded because he couldn’t disagree with his mother, but he wasn’t going to tell Dr. Sherman and he wasn’t worried about his mother finding out about the lie. If there was one thing he knew and understood about meeting with Dr. Sherman was that whatever they spoke about didn’t leave the room unless Evan approved it first. She would never know whether or not he spoke to Dr. Sherman about Connor. And right now, the last thing Evan wanted to talk about was Connor.

Notes:

This is not the posting schedule I intended. I intended at least bi-weekly updates starting the week I posted the first chapter. Unfortunately I caught the flu and that makes it difficult to do things, especially sing. The timing of the flu was very poor for my fanfiction because I was hoping to use this past week and the previous week to be over-productive to make up for the next two weeks were I will be at rehearsal everyday. So, I will shoot for weekly updates until I have caught up. Thank you for bearing with me.

Chapter 3: Everything You Do Has Consequences

Summary:

Connor learns about the consequences of the letter.

Notes:

Uploaded Oct 2, 2018

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

September 5, 2018

Connor had no clue why he had decided to stick around for another day. He had been hoping that somehow a friendship would magically appear between him and Evan and then turn into something more, but Evan wished Connor would go and kill himself. Why was he fooling himself into thinking that something good would come out of having lunch with Evan? Hell, would Evan even show up?

Connor walked down the hallway towards Evan’s locker. It wasn’t like he was actively trying to remember the location of his crush's locker, he just remembered where it was. He stopped at the locker and kicked the base.

He should apologize to Evan for yesterday. Tell him the deal was off. Of course it would be hard for Evan to believe that because Connor didn’t have his phone and so couldn’t delete the picture of the letter he sent himself, but if Evan only had lunch with him because he was forced, wouldn’t that be worse than having lunch alone?

Connor kicked the locker harder than he intended and could feel the collective alarm as bystanders jumped away from him. Here he was, waiting at Evan’s locker for him, making a debacle of himself. He turned and stormed away from his unwanted audience.

He went outside and headed to his favorite spot in the woods between the school, the baseball fields, and the practice football fields. Who knew why they kept it there, but it was a nice place to hide and smoke pot.

He entered his clearing and found a couple involved in some hanky-panky that made him uncomfortable. There was a part of him that wanted to get back at Kassie and Walt for the rumor that the only reason Connor got in trouble was because he had a crush on Principal Ekerds, but he was feeling too ashamed of yesterday with Evan to stir up trouble with them. He turned and wandered back into the school.

The cutting remarks from Kassie, Walt, and Jared started swirling in his mind. Next school shooter, nuisance, closet homophobe, fag, peeping tom, nazi, troll, that he would look nicer after falling off a 20-story building, that—

“Mr. Murphy,” an adult voice commanded, stopping Connor’s angry pacing of the hallways. “I need to see you in my office.”

Connor was pulled from his thoughts and once he processed what had been said to him, he saw the retreating back of the principal. What had he done to earn a meeting with the principal today? He hadn’t done anything yet. Was Connor getting detention as a preventative measure?

Connor followed because, honestly, detention sounded better than dealing with the day and the chance that he might run into Kleinman. Besides, he was still hurting after the compliment turned insult. In this mood he might punch Kleinman before he had a chance to open his mouth.

“Have a seat, Connor,” the principal said the moment they made it into the office. “I have something very important to discuss with you about Evan.”

There was no way that Principal Ekerds could know about what happened yesterday. Evan hadn’t even had time to come to school yet.

“Evan?” Connor asked tentatively like he didn’t know which Evan in the entire school Principal Ekerds could be talking about.

“Evan Hansen,” the principal replied sternly.

The principal knew about the blackmailing. He was going to be expelled and then arrested. “Shit,” Connor accidentally let slip from his mouth. 

 

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

This really is some heavy news

Believe me, I’m not trying to accuse.

But this can’t leave my office, please.

 

“It’s not like I’m going to talk,” Connor replied, thinking why the hell would the principal think he would go around telling people he blackmailed Evan into having lunch with him? Everyone already thought he was a terrible person, he didn’t really want to confirm the rumors himself.

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

The only reason I’m telling you

Is because Evan asked for you to know.

 

This wasn’t sounding like Connor was in trouble for blackmailing Evan, but this seemed really weird.

“Evan Hansen asked for me?” Connor asked. What in the world was going on?

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

We spoke yesterday about his need for friends

I told you to make amends for bullying.

But now I can’t sit and pretend

That your actions don’t transcend the here and now.

 

“Cut to the chase already,” Connor interrupted. He wanted to know what message Evan Hansen had for him that was worthy to pass through the principal.

His interruption pulled the principal from the poetic prose into strict authoritative words.

“Evan Hansen is at Ellis Medical under suicide watch and requested that you would be made aware of the situation.”

Connor felt like his heart had been hit by a sledge hammer. That couldn’t be right. Evan wasn’t suicidal, Connor was the one who was supposed to kill himself because he caused all the trouble. Evan was just cute and adorable and sweet and not trouble. This couldn’t be right.

“What?”

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

Everything you do has consequences

You’ve pushed Evan past his common senses

Now death seems better than seeing you

Did you even have a clue?

 

I know when you’re a young adult

It seem like it’s just a small insult, that words can’t hurt anyone

But life is driven by thoughts and fears

Words do more than bring on tears, they can destroy.

 

Then Connor remembered, “Like a letter?”

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

It was exactly a letter

He thought nothing could get better, but that’s a lie

You will stop bullying him, please

Help him to feel at ease, and this will all pass

 

The principal put their hand on Connor’s shoulder.

 

PRINCIPAL EKERDS

You can do this.

 

“What do you expect me to do?” Connor asked.

“Be nice and try to be his friend when he finally gets out of suicide watch,” the principal said. “And especially try to not hurt him, physically or emotionally.”

Connor nodded nervously. “When will he be back?”

“I don’t think he will make it back to school until Monday. Don't worry about it until then, just be sure to not tell anyone. Most of the teachers don’t even know.” The bell rang. “Now get to class, I pulled you in early to not draw any attention to your or Evan’s absence.”

Connor got up as soon as he was granted permission and rushed out of the office. His mind had no clue how to process the information that Principal Ekerds had told him. There was no way Evan was under suicide watch. Maybe some people thought he was weird, but he never caused any trouble.

Then it finally clicked. The letter. Evan Hansen forged a suicide note in behalf of Connor and then the note was found in his possession and rather than reveal that he had written it to tell Connor to off himself, he took the fall as if it had been his own letter. That also answered the question as to why Evan specifically asked for Connor to know. If Evan really had been suicidal, there was no reason he would want to tell Connor, right?

What if Evan was suicidal and he wrote the letter for himself and it was only because you intervened that he reached out to someone for help, which is why he wanted you to know that you saved him.

No, that would be dumb. Connor only made things worse, not better. There was no way that he somehow managed to save Evan…but it was a romantic thought…

 

…Connor knocks the bottle of pills from Evan’s hand, taking Evan’s hands and pulling them to his heart.

“Don’t do this! My world will go dark without your light!”

“What? I matter to you?”

“More than matter, you are my world!”

“I never knew you felt that way, I felt the same way but thought you didn’t care for me at all.”

“I’m just not good with words or at controlling my temper…”

“Then let’s not use words.”

Evan leans in for a kiss. He enjoys the kiss so much that he puts more of his weight onto Connor until he is laying on top of Connor on the park bench…

Connor looked up and realized that he had wandered to the park and had almost made it to the bench in his imagination. He had left school before first period. He had just wandered out. His mother was going to be upset when the school called.

Connor sat down on the bench knowing that going back now wouldn’t change the amount of trouble he was in, so he had time to take a breath of fresh air before figuring out what he wanted to do instead of being at school. He ought to replenish his stash of pot while at the park, but then he remembered yesterday and how he had shoved Evan while he was high…maybe he should lay off pot for a little while.

Connor stared at the lake while he was slowly swarmed with guilt. He had bullied Evan and then Evan had wanted to go and kill himself. It was his fault.

No! Evan got in trouble for having the forged suicide note in his possession. He wanted Connor to know so that he could rub it in that he had written a pretty accurate letter that could have functioned as Connor’s suicide note and people could think that he wasn’t as bad after all. That Evan had made an easier out for him and he had rejected it.

Connor stood up and kicked the bench. What was Evan playing at? Was the letter from Evan’s mind and about himself or was it an invention to tell Connor to go and off himself? He needed answers.

He heard a helicopter flying overhead and looked up. Was it a life-light or something else? Ellis Medical was to the south of the park and the helicopter seemed to be…wait. He could go and demand answers from Evan. Hospitals allowed visitors. The principal wouldn’t be too mad to know that after his speech that Connor had gone straight to the hospital to visit Evan. He would still get in trouble, but it would be less trouble, right?

Connor was already on his way to the hospital.

 

“Hello, how may I help you?” The receptionist greeted when Connor entered the hospital.

“Um, my friend is here and I wanted to see him,” Connor lied. It wasn’t a real lie; he wanted to be Evan’s friend.

“What is your friend’s name?”

“He's on suicide watch. Evan, Evan Hansen,” Connor said, enjoying how nice Evan's name sounded on his lips.

“What’s your name?”

“Connor Murphy.”

Evan Hansen. Evan had a good name. It was such a beautiful name. There was just something poetic about his name. Connor didn’t have that himself. Connor Murphy was a horrible name. Who the fuck thought Connor and Murphy go together? His parents must have been smoking something. Connor Murphy totally sounded like the name of a school shooter.

“I’m sorry,” the receptionist replied after looking up something on the computer. “You are not on the list.”

“What list?”

“Our hospital policy is that people under suicide watch can only have immediate family members, guardians, or people they put on their list visit.”

“I’ve got to be on that list. He told the school to tell me what happened to him.”

“I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean you are on the list.”

“If someone asked him about me, he would tell them to put me on the list.”

“I’m sorry, I'm just the receptionist. I'm not allowed to suggest names for him to put on the list.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Connor said, turning up his theatrics. “I came here as soon as they told me so I could see how he was doing. I’ve got to see him.”

“I’m sorry, you are not allowed to see him,” the receptionist replied sternly. “If you don’t leave the premises immediately I will be forced to have security see you out.”

Connor didn’t want to get in trouble with the people at the hospital and stormed out.

 

Connor opened the garage door at his house and saw that his mother was gone. Perfect.

There was only one interpretation of Evan wanting Connor to know he was in suicide watch and then not having him on the visit list. Evan had gotten in trouble for having the suicide note, wanted Connor to be aware of what happened, and then didn’t want to face an angered Connor.

Connor went on the computer, which he was grounded from, but no one was here to stop him, and wrote Evan an email.

Notes:

Sorry it took so long. I survived opening weekend. Hopefully now I can get back to posting regularly. One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm inconsistent no matter what I try to do to make myself more consistent. Please enjoy.

Chapter 4: We're Here for You

Notes:

Dedicated to the one person who consistently logged off and gave me kudos for this fic periodically. I won't finish the music, but I will gift you the rest of the fic.

Chapter Text

September 9, 2018

Evan took a deep breath. He was going home with his mother. She clearly hadn’t been sleeping since he was hospitalized and she somehow managed to skip classes and get subs at work so she could come and visit him every day of his stay. His mother’s life was a mess and it was all his fault

The doctor led him to the waiting room. His mother ran to him and pulled him into a tight hug. Tears streamed from Evan’s eyes. There was nothing he could do to stop it. Then he realized his mother was crying too.

“Evan, oh Evan, it’s so good to see you again and to see that you want to stick around with us. I was so worried,” she whispered into his ear.

Evan just kept on crying into her shoulder. He was seventeen, he shouldn’t be crying like a Kindergartener seeing their mother after their first day at school, but his tears heard no reason.

“Come on,” mother said, positioning Evan so he could still cry into her shoulder while they both walked out of the hospital.

Her car was waiting for the both of them in the drop-off section. It was running. Mom opened the back door and helped Evan in after her.

This was enough to help Evan pull out of whatever was causing his eye-leakage to see what was going on. Grandma was in the driver’s seat.

“Straight home or are we stopping by Arriverdici for some food?” Grandma asked.

“Evan, how does some drive-thru Italian sound?” Mom asked quietly, like Evan was still in the hospital on his deathbed.

“Um, yeah, Italian Drive-Thru sounds great,” Evan replied, trying to show that nothing was different, even though eating was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

They ate the Italian Fast Food in silence in the living room. Evan was very aware of his mother and grandmother watching him, so he ate even though he was sure he was going to throw it all up as soon as he went upstairs and to the bathroom.

Eventually his mother broke the silence.

 

HEIDI

I know most of the time I’m gone

I know at times life feels like endless stairs

I don’t want you to feel alone

I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care

I’m here for you

I’m here for you

I’m here for you

I love you more than I can express.



I know that I’m not that strong

I know I can’t be everything you need

Being a mother is lifelong

I called and she came to meet my need

She’s here for me

Gramma’s here for you GRANDMA

We’re here for you I’m here for you

And all you have to do is ask And all you have to do is ask



GRANDMA

I dropped my quilt when Heidi asked

I’ll drop it all again if you ask me

Quilting is only business

My family means so much more to me

I’m here for you

I’m here for you

We’re here for you

For as long as you need me



HEIDI

Reach out if you feel lost or hurt

Let us know when you’re feeling depressed

cause



GRANDMA AND HEIDI

We’re here for you

We’re here for you

We’re here for you

And all you have to do is ask

 

Evan stared in shock. His grandmother had come because of him? She left her work because of him? He was messing everyone up. They were ruining their lives to come to him because he wrote a stupid letter. Imagine what would happen if they found out about the summer when he broke his arm. No one knew about that and he wasn’t going to tell anyone.

“So what do you want for dessert? I’ll pick it up from the grocery store and bring it here. Chocolate cake? Powdered doughnuts? Cinnamon rolls?” Mom asked.

“No, I’m good,” Evan lied. Apple pie and ice cream sounded really good after his mother asked, but he wasn’t going to have them do anything else for him today. He needed to prove that he was fine.

“Alright, how many days do you want out of school? I’ll email the school to let them know you will be out sick.”

“No, I’ll go back tomorrow,” Evan said, wanting things to return to normal as soon as possible so that his mother and grandmother wouldn’t ruin their lives on his account.

“Are you sure, honey?” Mom asked. “You’ve been in the hospital for several days. Are you sure you don’t want time to adjust before going back?”

That’s right. He had been gone for several days. What if Connor posted the letter already? He never wanted to go back to school if that was the case. He had forgotten about Connor’s threat.

“If you don’t go to school, we can go to the park, I know you like going to parks. We won’t be stuck in the house all day,” Grandma added.

“How about you sleep on it?” Mom said with finality. “We can talk about it in the morning.”

Evan nodded and made his way to his room. He would check online and make sure Connor hadn’t posted the letter before deciding whether or not to go back to school. It should be obvious, right?

Millions of alerts notifying him that someone posted something and then everyone shared, reacted, or commented on it. Then his email and his PM’s would be filled with hate letters.

He opened his computer and it came to life. It was a little sluggish, but Evan opened his social media accounts. The only alerts he had were from Jared. That was weird. Well, weird in that he never had messages waiting for him normally and there wasn’t a flood of notifications about Connor posting the letter.

 

Jared: missed you at school today, where were ya?

Jared: bro, what happened? Had a wet dream about me so bad that you’re afraid to talk to me? Dude, I don’t care. Just let me know what happened in it.

Jared: is this the start of the apocalypse? If you are actually a zombie now, I will shoot you with a 22. No sorrow here

Evan: I’m not a zombie.

Evan replied. Then he wondered how he would find out whether or not Connor posted the letter. He started by searching for Connor’s profile, but it was protected so he couldn’t see anything unless he added Connor as a friend, which he wasn’t sure if he was ready for.

Jared: you’re alive! What happened? So sick you forgot how to use a computer?

Evan: something like that

Evan replied, hoping that meant that Jared had no idea why he missed school He didn’t want anyone to know, which was why he needed to find out whether or not Connor posted the letter. The last place to check was his email. And there is was, an email from Connor. This should tell him whether or not Connor posted the letter.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I still have the letter. The principal told me where you were, but I know what you are playing at. When you are out of the hospital I expect you to uphold your end of the bargain.

-Connor

Or should I say: sincerely your best and most dearest friend, me

Wait, Connor knew he was in suicide watch? That was way worse than the letter being released. It wouldn’t even leave a social media trail. His computer bleeped to tell him he had a message from Jared.

 

Jared: when are you coming back to school?

 

Evan began to panic. He wasn’t sure when he was coming back to school. How would he know if Connor had spread a rumor about him instead of spreading the letter? The panic that he felt his first day in the hospital when all he could think of was Connor and his threat started coming back.

Connor didn’t mention anything in his email about what Evan had to do to stop him from spreading the rumor that he was in suicide watch. Should he email and ask what he needed to do? No, that was a scary thought. What if he had already spread the rumor and then told Evan to do something else ridiculous and made twice the fun of him?

There had to be a way to figure this out. Then it hit him. He could just ask Jared.

 

Evan: Is there a rumor about why I missed school originating from Connor?

 

Evan sent after a long deliberation of what to say and how to say it without revealing too much. It wasn’t perfect, but it mostly concealed the fact that Evan had been in suicide watch… Evan hoped.
He checked his email again and read some of the emails from his teachers about what he would have to do to make up for what he missed so far. When his computer bleeped a response from Jared, he was terrified. Jared knew. Jared figured it out. He didn’t even need Connor to tell him.

Evan realized that he hadn’t actually been reading the email from his teacher. His mind was caught up in worry about the message from Jared. He had said too much and Jared had figured it out. But, if he checked the message, he would know whether or not to ask to be transferred to another school, a boarding school or something. He just needed to know so he could make plans.

 

Jared: Not that I heard, why?



Evan let out a sigh of relief. Jared hadn’t figured it out and Connor hadn’t said something that hadn’t gotten to Jared, which would be impressive because Jared hung out with Kassie and Rose who were the biggest gossipers in the entire school. There was no sign of the letter and no rumors about him being in suicide watch. He could go back to school…and he needed to go back to school to have lunch with Connor or his life would fall apart.



Jared: What the hell, Evan. You can’t send me a cryptic question like that and then ignore me.

Jared: Why are you asking about Connor? Did he tell you that he was going to shoot up the school and that’s why you skipped school because you are afraid of being shot?

Jared: I’d like to know so I can know when not to do my homework because I’m going to die at Connor’s hand the next day

Jared: Kidding. I’d rather live.

Jared: Oh, come on. At least tell me whether or not you are going to school tomorrow.



The sudden surge of messages sent Evan’s heartbeat through the roof. He needed to calm down. It was just Jared. It wasn’t like Zoe was messaging him and asking him test questions that he had to answer correctly or she would never speak to him again. It was just Jared, a family friend.



Evan: I’m coming to school tomorrow.

 

It wasn’t really like he had a choice with Connor’s threat, especially now that he had another piece of information over his head. It also answered Jared’s question without saying anything about Connor’s threats because Evan knew there was an unspoken rule about not telling other people about being threatened or the person would go ahead and carry out the threat without worrying about the other action being done or not.

 

Jared: Good, you don’t want to fail senior year by not showing up.

Jared: Also, prepare yourself for some questions. I know you like warning before being bombarded by questions. I’m going to come by after school tomorrow to ask about your missing school.

Jared: Prepare yourself because I am the master question asker

Jared: Just kidding. See you tomorrow.

 

Evan sighed and closed his computer. He was going to school tomorrow. He was going to have lunch with Connor. He could do those things. Connor would likely give him the next threat at lunch and then Evan would know what else he needed to do to keep Connor from spilling all his secrets. Everything was going to be fine. He survived suicide watch, he could survive this.

Chapter 5: Connor is a Pest

Chapter Text

September 10, 2018

Connor had no clue why his brain wouldn’t shut up about Evan being suicidal. The evidence all pointed to the fact that Evan was not suicidal and was just suffering for refusing to admit that he had been bullying someone by forging a suicide note.

Evan deserved his time as a locked ward in suicide watch. He needed to learn that forging suicide notes was wrong.

But what if it wasn’t forged. What if he addressed his suicide note to himself? What if you are the one being a jerk for blackmailing him with his own suicide letter?

No! I mean, I know I’m a jerk, but I’m not that much of a jerk.

Connor hit his head against his desk in the back of the classroom of his last class before lunch. Evan had returned and Connor was going to have to face Evan at lunch, which meant he really needed to decide which part was the truth. He knew there was the possibility that he could ask, but Connor would never admit to being suicidal if someone straight out asked him; therefore, if it was true, it was likely that Evan wouldn’t admit to being suicidal.

The bell rang for lunch and Connor made his way to Evan’s locker.

There is no way the handsome, sweet Evan Hansen who never got in trouble and who hadn’t failed any of his classes could be suicidal. Why would he have asked for the letter back if it was his own suicide note? Wouldn’t he just have gone off on his own and then make Connor come forward with the letter when he died?

Connor hit his head on Evan’s locker. Nothing about this made sense. Was Evan fucking suicidal or not? Was Connor a bastard that needed to go kill himself for making Evan feel like killing himself or was Evan being the bully by telling Connor to go kill himself?

He felt this decision would be easier to make if he could look over the letter again. Unfortunately he only texted it to himself and his phone was confiscated for who knows how much longer.

“Stop being a pest, Connor!” His sister’s voice hissed, pulling Connor from his thoughts.

Connor only then realized that he had been banging his head on Evan’s locker repeatedly.

“What am I doing to be a pest?” Connor spat back.

“Evan doesn’t want to see you,” she hissed, only slightly pausing with her friend Natalie. “Stop hanging around his locker.”

Natalie pulled Zoe away, with good reason, as Zoe looked like she wanted to punch Connor. He watched as they made their way to wherever.

He kicked the locker in frustration. Why did she have to bug him right now? He was in the middle of—wait. The letter talked about Zoe, as if Evan liked Zoe. Connor thought at first that it meant that he was trying to egg Connor to attack him, but now he realized that it was the key to solving this mystery.

If Evan had written the letter to make fun of Connor and tell him to kill himself, then Zoe wouldn’t mean much to him. It was just Connor’s sister and he was using it to get a rise out of Connor. If it was Evan’s suicide note, Evan had a crush on his sister. That was it! He just had to figure out whether or not Evan had a crush on Zoe, which shouldn’t be too hard.

Evan cleared his throat to alert Connor that he had arrived. Connor realized he had been banging his head against Evan’s locker again and jumped back. If this was actually Connor trying to make friends with Evan, he would have been embarrassed. Instead, he nodded to Evan in greeting before turning and leading the way to where he ate lunch underneath the southeast stairs.

Connor sat down and then watched Evan as he sat down and pulled out his lunch. The trick to finding out whether or not someone had a crush was to surprise them with the information. He waited until Evan began taking a bite out of his sandwich before launching the surprise attack.

“So, Zoe…”

Evan dropped his sandwich and turned beet red. Bingo.

“You like her?”

Evan managed to turn even redder.

That meant he did, right? Or was he just turning red because of the letter and he realized that Connor was catching on that the letter was a fake?

Evan picked up his sandwich from the floor and put it back inside its ziplock bag before tossing it to the garbage can.

Connor was suddenly struck with a desire to appear cool and tough. He snatched the bag out of the air on its way to the garbage can behind him and pulled out the sandwich to begin eating it. Evan tried to hide a face of disgust as he pulled out an apple.

Connor laughed at Evan’s poor attempt to hide his disgust and a piece of sandwich fell out of his mouth. Then he realized he was not being cool and tough and was actually making a fool of himself in front of Evan.

“Fuck, Evan!” He lashed out. “I asked you a fucking question, you better answer!”

Evan said something unintelligible while trying to swallow a bite of apple.

“I didn’t hear that,” Connor snapped.

“Sorry. Yes, I like her,” Evan spat out before coughing from trying to speak while swallowing.

Connor immediately went over to hit him on the back to stop him from coughing when he realized he was hitting too hard, hurting more than helping. He moved back and began trying to eat Evan’s sandwich again as Evan tried to wash the apple out with water from his water bottle.

Officially confirmed straight Evan Hansen, what a waste of a handsome man...not that Connor would ever have a chance with someone like Evan or that anyone like Evan would want a person as messed up as Connor. No, Zoe and Evan would be a better couple.

He finally tasted the sandwich that he had already taken several bites out of and wanted to gag. He looked and it was a turkey sandwich with only mustard. What freak ate bread, turkey, and mustard with nothing else?

He went to throw the sandwich away when he remembered that he was trying to play it tough and eat the sandwich even though it fell on the floor. He had to follow through. Quitting was cheating.

Evan finally stopped coughing and continued to eat his apple. Connor wasn’t sure what else to say. His chances with Evan were ruined with the disaster of the lunch and the fact that Evan had a crush on Zoe.

No, wait. That was the crucial piece that Connor had been looking for.

If Evan liked Zoe that meant that the letter was written by Evan for Evan, which meant that Evan was suicidal and it was all Connor’s fault. Connor wished he had his phone so he could show Evan that he deleted the letter and then Connor could go and kill himself for driving Evan to suicide.

“Because there’s Zoe and everything is pinned on Zoe,” tumbled out of Connor’s mouth before he realized where it came from. He shoved the rest of the sandwich in his mouth to hide his embarrassment from remembering something from the letter. He probably sounded like an obsessed creep.

Evan just stared at him, his apple inches from his mouth.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Connor shot at him, terribly uncomfortable with the way Evan was staring at Connor as if he was frightening him. He already knew he was a jerk, he didn’t need Evan to remind him by staring at him in terror.

“Oh, um, I um,” Evan blushed as he struggled to piece together a sentence. “I just, uh, um I hope, to, uh, not, to talk without being an idiot, I mean, sound like an idiot. I suppose I am--”

“That’s right,” Connor said, cutting Evan off. “Social anxiety.”

Evan stared at him like he had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Everyone wishes they could speak to their crush without fucking up,” he said, laughing at himself for how pathetic his attempts had been. “No reason to feel dumb about it, it’s a high-level step even for people without your problem.”

Evan started laughing. Connor wasn’t sure why he was laughing, but his body started getting warm and his heart started beating faster. Fuck, he still had a major crush on Evan even after knowing that Evan liked his sister.

They fell into silence and remained that way until the bell rang. When the bell rang, Connor immediately jumped up and ran off to the woods. He pulled out his new stash of pot and rolled himself a joint before lighting it up and leaning against a tree. There were too many emotions going through his body after lunch with Evan. He didn’t realize it would be that jarring to spend time with his crush.

His suicidal crush that wanted to kill himself because Connor was a jerk.

Connor

Why would Evan wish he were dead?

Why, if he has such a promising tomorrow?

A good student, what’s he to dread?

The bully that brings him sorrow.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe

Is that all it must come to

To make sure he doesn’t follow through?



How would a boy so timid as Evan,

Try to end his life, to go awol?

Why can’t I learn my lesson?

Why do I make good people wish to fall?



Oh shit. Evan’s already fallen, from a tree! That’s how he broke his arm. And I made fun of him for that too. No wonder he wants to kill himself; it’s because of me! And then I made light of him wanting to kill himself, twice. Laughing at his attempt ending in a broken arm and then blackmailing him with his own suicide note. I’m really that much of a jerk.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe

I just have a small part to play

Then I can get out of the way



Then maybe we can be friends…

Or at least he won’t think it cheating when I end.



“Connor!” His mother censured when Connor walked in the house after school. “Why did you skip all your classes after lunch? I thought you said you were going to do better this week?”

Connor rolled his eyes. He didn’t care about school. He was surprised he had made it to his senior year.

“Don’t ignore me or I will ground you from your laptop and phone for another week!”

Connor rolled his eyes again, but stopped his ascent up the stairs to his room. His mother probably didn’t even have a clue how long he had left of being grounded from his phone and laptop. Adding another week would change nothing.

Zoe pushed past him to get to her room, being sure to stick her tongue out at him where mom couldn’t see.

“Fuck you!” Connor shouted at her retreating back.

“Connor!” Mom shouted at Connor. “There is no reason to get mad at your sister!”

“She stuck her tongue out at me and when she shoved past me!” Connor shouted back.

“She did not! You’re lashing out at her for no reason!”

“Am not!”

“I was here, are you calling me blind?”

“Yeah, I am calling you blind because you think she is an innocent angel when the only difference between me and her is that she knows when to be a bastard and I just do it all the time.”

“Exactly why you are trouble and she isn’t.”

Connor held back another retort knowing that the sooner he shut up, the sooner he would be able to be alone in his room, even if wasn’t allowed to have any technology.

“I suppose skipping is better than bullying poor Evan Hansen,” mother said. “If you skip again this week, I will ground you some more.”

Connor noted that he was permitted to go, though his brain hadn’t processed what she had said. He took a step and then paused when he realized what she said.

“Evan Hansen?”

“Yes, Evan Hansen,” mother replied. “Zoe told me that you bullied him and then he missed the rest of the first week of school and she thinks you had something to do with it because he has anxiety. Poor soul, you should at least pick on people who are more able to handle it.”

Tears started pooling in Connor’s eyes because he knew it was his fault that Evan missed the rest of the week while being in suicide watch, but he was never going to tell anyone that. They already wished he was gone enough, he didn’t need to add more ammo to their arsenal.

“Like Zoe?” He shot at his mother before storming up the stairs to hide his tears.

“Don’t you dare!” Mom called after him, but he didn’t stop until he was in his room and closed his door.

He threw himself on his bed and let the silent tears flow. He wished he would have killed himself before the first day. Evan would have been much better off if he hadn’t shown the first day. But now Evan was hurting and it was his fault and he needed to try and fix it before making sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again.

That meant he had to figure out whether or not Zoe liked Evan...she had been talking to mom about Evan. His tears stopped at this revelation. Zoe would only be talking to mom about Evan by name if she had a crush on him, right?

He got up from his bed and wiped his eyes. It was time for another surprise attack.

He opened his door and saw that Zoe’s door was open. He heard her playing her guitar, playing some weird jazz. He always told her she should be in a rock or pop band and not jazz, but she just yelled at him and told him he didn’t understand music.

He leaned against her door frame and then knocked on her door.

“What do you want, bastard?” Zoe shot when she turned to see him.

“So...Evan Hansen?” He felt a smile on his face for how nice it felt to have his name on his lips.

“Fuck-turd!” Zoe shouted at him, surprising Connor.

She took off her guitar and set it down before approaching Connor with her song book. What was she doing?

“You fucking tyrant!” She shouted, hitting him with her songbook. “You fucking read my diary! That’s private! You fuck-wad of indecency! You backdoor to encryption! Get the fuck out of my room and don’t think I won’t tell mom!”

Connor backed away under the blows from her songbook, making his way back into his room until he could shut the door on her. He listened as she stormed off, calling for mom.

He sighed and leaned against the door. That solved that mystery. Zoe liked Evan. It was going to be his fate to set up his longest crush with his sister. It hurt, but it was something to make up for making Evan wish he were dead.

He heard his mother calling for him. Time to face the music for finding out the truth for Evan.

Chapter 6: What is a Friend?

Chapter Text

September 10-11, 2018

 

He did it. Evan survived his first lunch with Connor and his first day back since suicide watch. Evan closed the front door behind himself and jumped when he heard the TV going in the other room. Who was in his house?

He stepped forward through the kitchen to see and felt entirely stupid when he saw his grandmother watching gameshow reruns on the TV. He slipped upstairs and to his room when the doorbell rang.

His heart started racing. But then he realized that his grandmother was there and he didn’t have to deal with it.

He had his school work out and was beginning his make-up work when there was a knock at his door.

“Evan, sweetie!” His grandmother called from the other side of the door, “Someone’s here to see you. Go on in, dearie.”

Evan had no idea who would be here. He turned as he heard the door click and almost let out a sigh of relief when he saw that it was Jared.

“Hey, Evan,” Jared said, sitting on Evan’s bed. “What are you up to?”

“Um, make-up work.”

“Feeling better?”

Evan nodded, looked to his computer, and then down to his lap where his hands were twisting into each other.

“What were you sick with?”

Evan’s breath caught. What was he going to say? He couldn’t tell Jared the truth, Jared would tell people and then they would tell people and then the whole school would know he was crazy, including Zoe.

“Um, um, appendicitis,” he lied on the spot. He knew what that was and felt that could excuse his hospital stay. “Sorry, I was at the hospital; I couldn’t answer messages.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jared said. “You have a cool scar now?”

“Uh, I, um, I suppose.”

“Can I see it?”

Jared’s hand was reaching out for the bottom of Evan’s shirt and Evan panicked. He pushed away on his desk chair.

“You can just say no, weirdo,” Jared said, retracting his hand.

Evan eyed it warily.

“Where were you at lunch? I didn’t see you in the cafeteria.”

“Oh, I, uh, I couldn’t handle the cafeteria. I decided to eat elsewhere, sorry.”

“Don’t need to be sorry, I was just curious. Did you see that we have the same lunch as Zoe now?”

“Uh, no.”

“Well, she does. You should try and sit next to her or something. I think most of her friends have a different lunch.”

“Oh,” Evan said, realizing that it would be nice to join her for lunch, but he couldn’t or else Connor would release the letter that would make sure that Zoe would never wish to speak to him again.

“Oh? You should be excited. She’s open, vulnerable, in need of a friend. Perfect opportunity.”

Evan shrugged.

“Do I need to write out a script so you can practice and know what to say?”

“No!”

“Good, I should get going,” Jared said, standing up. “Why is your grandma here?”

Evan shrugged and said, “My mom wanted her here.”

“For when you were in the hospital?”

Evan nodded, looking away so Jared couldn’t tell he was hiding the truth.

“Oh, one more thing,” Jared said, coming over to Evan. “My friend Walt is in with the band because he is dating Kassie. If you want to impress Zoe, there’s this project they’ll be working on for the jazz band. Want in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan said, before processing what he agreed to.

“Excellent, I’ll be in touch. Remember to tell your mom so she can tell my mom that I came to visit after you got sick, okay? I need car insurance.” Then he walked out of the room.

He heard Jared yell, “Bye Grandma!”

“It’s good to see Evan has friends who missed him at school last week,” Grandma replied over the sound of the TV.

“Family friend,” Jared corrected. “Our moms know each other. My mom just wanted me to check in for her since Heidi didn’t want to talk about everything.”

“Yes, yes, it’s been stressful.”

“Well, bye,” Jared said and then Evan heard the front door close.

Jared wasn’t even here for himself. He wasn’t actually worried about what happened to Evan.

Evan sunk his head to his desk.

Does anyone even care? If Jared wouldn’t visit Evan if his mom didn’t ask him to, could Evan really count him as a friend?



EVAN

I know there’s not much interesting about me

But I wish there was someone who really saw me

Someone who understands me better than myself



A friend, a real friend not a family friend.

What would that be like to have a real friend?



EVAN

It’s someone who will seek me out

To sit by them and talk about

Everything and anything

From future plans to crazy dreams

Wouldn’t that be nice?



He’ll listen to me talk about trees

Never asking me to cease

Then we sing along to our favorite bands

Tell each other jokes no one else understands

Except us two



We’d talk about our most recent crush

And realize we don’t have very much, for them to like

A friend doesn’t have to be bribed

To talk to me or makes it implied



Wait. Does this mean Connor was his friend?



EVAN

Connor asked to spend time with me

Connor talked with me about Zoe

He wanted to hear my thoughts and slowly

Makes me feel more comfortable and free

Connor is a real friend



Wow. Connor really wanted to be Evan’s friend if he was risking blackmailing Evan to be friends. Not that Evan wanted to be blackmailed and he was pretty sure blackmail was not part of a healthy friendship, it definitely was better than someone being bribed to be your friend.

If Evan was more normal, he would have friends without bribery or blackmail. But as of today, Evan had something better than a family friend. It wasn’t much better, but it was better.



“Evan?” Mother asked.

Evan blushed, wondering how long she had been trying to get his attention while they were driving to school. He was a terrible son. He never listened.

Mom looked over him as they stopped at the light. Evan looked at Connor’s name on his cast to avoid her gaze that felt like it was trying to find his will to live.

“Grandma’s heading back home tomorrow morning and wanted to have a last hoorah all together as a family. She thought Taco Tuesday might be a good thing to hit up. You can invite Connor to come too, if you like.”

Evan looked up and saw that she was looking at Connor’s name on his cast. He squirmed.

“Or Jared,” she hastily added. “Grandma said he came by after school yesterday. Did he help you with homework or did you play games?”

“I did my homework,” Evan said defensively.

“I wasn’t concerned about that,” mom said. Her voice sounded a little hurt and Evan felt bad. “You’re old enough to handle that on your own. I just wanted to let you know that we would love to meet your friend—s.”

Evan nodded as they pulled up to the school and then he said, “Maybe another day.”

“Okay, have a good day, son. I love you!”

“Love you too,” Evan said before hoping out of the car.

He knew his mom was trying her best to help, but she didn’t understand that Evan was too broken for all of that. Jared and Connor weren’t even real friends. They were a family friend and a pretend friend, respectively. Evan wasn’t good enough to have real friends.



The bell rang for lunch. Evan headed to the stairwell, ignoring everyone around him. He couldn’t help but feel that Connor was just as much of a friend as Jared was. The only difference was that Connor knew what had happened the first week and so didn’t have to ask, whereas Jared had to ask. They both talked about his crush on Zoe. It felt terrible thinking that all they could think of to talk to Evan was about his—

He ran into someone.

“Evan!” That someone exclaimed.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Evan began apologizing. “I should’ve been—“

“No, it’s fine,” Alana said. “I was looking for you.”

Evan opened his mouth, realized he looked like a fish and closed it immediately. Why was she looking for him?

“I need some more people for the homecoming committee and thought you would be helpful. I know you have a lot of make-up work, so I won’t give you an assignment until after our first meeting next Monday. Can you do that?”

“Um, uh, okay, um, I guess,” Evan stuttered, feeling like everyone in the hallway was watching him and expecting him to agree.

“Wonderful! We’ll see you Monday after school in the group meeting room in the library. Are you heading to the cafeteria?”

“Oh, um, I’m, uh, I’m heading, well, no.”

“Okay, see you later!”

Then Alana bounced off in the direction of the cafeteria. It was then that Evan realized the implication of what he had just agreed to.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. He did it again. Jared asked him to do something and now Alana and he had said yes both times. Why was he so dumb? There was no way he was going to be able to help either of them. He was lame, he was pathetic, he couldn’t talk to people, he—

“What’s wrong?” Connor’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. He had arrived at their lunch spot without realizing it.

“Nothing!” Evan replied hastily, or really lied hastily.

Connor dramatically rolled his eyes and Evan blushed at being caught in his lie.

“Sorry, well, um, I, um, I ran into, sorry, I agreed to—“

Connor’s face fell for a moment.

“—to help with homecoming committee. I didn’t mean to. I was trying to come here. She surprised me and I didn’t know how to say—“

“Dude, chillax,” Connor said, relaxing and leaning back into the wall. “You can blow it off.”

Evan tried to give him the look as if he had two heads for suggesting that, but he was sure he looked more like a confused chicken.

“Sorry,” Evan said, “I can’t blow it off. I promised I would help, I also promised I would help Jared. But I can’t plan things. I can’t help with things. I don’t know what is cool or fun. I don’t even know how to—“

“Cool it, Evan,” Connor said, motioning for Evan to sit down with his hands.

Evan immediately obeyed and began pulling out his lunch.

“You’re not gonna fail,” Connor said. “Trust me.”

Evan looked up in surprise, his mouth gaping once more, but he didn’t notice this time.

“What?” He asked, sure he had misheard Connor.

“You aren’t going to fail. You’ll be able to help the homecoming committee and Jared, somehow. It’s not like you’re….” Connor trailed off.

Evan looked at him curiously. Why would Connor be telling him he wouldn’t fail? Why does Connor even think Evan wouldn’t fail? Everyone had to know that Evan couldn’t do anything. Didn’t Connor remember why he missed most of the first week of school?

“Just trust me, you won’t,” Connor eventually finished.

Silence fell between them, but it didn’t feel as awkward as yesterday. Evan began eating his lunch and Connor drank from a soda can.

Evan was mostly done with his lunch when Connor spoke again.

“What do you like about Zoe?”

Evan looked at Connor. Back to Zoe. The only thing his semi-friends wanted to talk about. Was he really that boring?

“For lack of anything better to talk about,” Connor hastily added, avoiding looking at Evan.

Evan wondered if the silence was awkward for Connor and if he should have been trying to fill the silence with something, but all he could talk about easily were trees and that usually upset people. He remembered that Connor got mad the last time he took too long to answer Connor’s question so he just began to talk.

“Um, I noticed her at the jazz band concert, well really her smile. It’s something special. I can’t explain it. There’s just something about it that makes it more real than any other smile I’ve seen.”

“Ah,” Connor said while Evan was thinking of what else he could say. Evan noticed that he was staring intently at his soda can and it made him nervous.

“Um, she does the quizzes in the magazines to know herself better.” That didn’t sound creepy at all, did it? “Sorry, um, she, uh, I noticed that she scribbles stars on her jeans when she is bored. And they aren’t just the normal five pointed stars that I’m the only one who doesn’t know how to draw, they are really cool stars…I’m sure you’ve seen them…” Evan felt like an idiot, but Connor hadn’t looked at him or snapped, so he kept talking. “She’s also really brave, like putting indigo streaks in her hair, or even more when she dances. I don’t know how she manages it, but she dances like no one is watching. It’s beautiful, she’s beauti—“

Evan cut off to a loud crunch. Connor had crushed his soda can loudly.

Evan shoved the rest of his granola bar into his mouth and observed Connor who was still refusing to look at him. He had upset Connor. He was dumb. Talking about how attractive Connor’s sister is was obviously the wrong thing to do. He must think Evan is a creep and trying to not beat him up. He needed to fix this.

“Sorry,” Evan said once he swallowed his mouthful of granola bar. “I was just—um, I mean, uh, sorry, it’s, uh, it’s not like anything will ever happen between us.”

“What?” Connor asked, suddenly looking up at Evan.

The intensity of his stare freaked Evan out. He looked at the clock to avoid looking at Connor.

“Sorry, I mean, Zoe is a million worlds apart from a guy like me. I’m not, like, being stalker-ish or mean or pushy, I, uh, I just kinda want to be her friend, but she doesn’t even notice me.”

“Ha,” Connor stated and then it turned into a really weird laugh.

Evan wanted to back away, but he was already against the wall.

“As if,” Connor said, once his laughing died down.

“What? Sorry, I don’t understand?”

“Ask Zoe out, you’ll see,” Connor said as he stood up.

“Where are you going?” Evan asked.

Connor awkwardly gestured vaguely before finally saying, “I have…something to do before next period.”

Evan nodded and watched as Connor quickly walked down the hall.

Chapter 7: He Likes Her and She Likes Him

Chapter Text

September 11, 2018

 

What had Connor been expecting when he asked Evan that question? Evan wasn’t shallow, he wasn’t going to say the Murphy nose or the brown wavy hair. Of course it was going to be deep poetical stuff that Connor could never compare to.



What did I expect from a sweet boy who does everything right?

One who seeks goodness and happiness

Would never want a dark monster who slays knights,

Whose anger burns at the smallest jests.



He seeks a star, not someone who lives under a bell jar.

He seeks gentleness, not someone depressed

Someone that will listen, not an evil villain

I could never be the one he wants



He likes her and she likes him.

It’s a game they are going to win.

Two players in this two player game,

I’ll disappear once I’ve undone the shame.



Connor had made it to his spot in the woods. He pulled out a joint he rolled earlier and was about to light it when his stomach grumbled.

He would be even hungrier after smoking. He really ought to go grab lunch before it ends.

Against his better judgement, he went to the cafeteria. It was late enough that there were no lines for food. He entered the pizza line, the only school food he would eat, and picked up two slices and paid for them.

He shoved the entirety of the first slice into his mouth before he spotted Walt and Jared watching him. He tried not to notice, but they looked like they were talking about him and laughing.

It doesn’t matter. Everyone hates you. You just need to help Evan and Zoe figure their shit out and then you can disappear.

Then he stumbled, barely managing to keep hold on his uneaten pizza. He looks down to see that Jared had extended his leg to trip him.

“Hey!” Connor exclaimed through his pizza-stuffed mouth.

“Oops,” Jared says and then laughs with Walt.

If Connor wasn’t feeling so depressed about Evan liking Zoe, Jared would have gotten a punch in the mouth. As it was, Connor wanted far away from everything as possible. He continued chewing his pizza and walking out of the cafeteria.

He tripped and this time the second pizza did not make it. It was Walt’s leg this time.

Connor swallowed the rest of the pizza in his mouth before rounding on Walt.

“What’d you do that for?” Connor demanded. He leaned over to pick up his pizza and put it back on the tray. It seemed he only lost some of the tomato sauce.

“What are you doing freak? That’s gross!” Walt replied, pushing at the tray.

“Don’t you dare knock my pizza down again,” Connor menaced. He pushed Walt’s hand away and towered over him.

Connor stepped back and tripped. This time he fell all the way to the floor and everyone had their eyes on him.

Connor was done. He adjusted his backpack so he could turn and pick up his pizza again, only to find that someone was stepping on it.

“FUCK YOU!” He shouted, grabbing the person’s leg and pulling them to the ground.

It was Kassie. She fell with a scream.

“Leave my girlfriend alone!” Walt called.

Connor reached for the pizza, it was ruined. Dirt and grime from the floor had gotten between the bread and the cheese because of how Kassie stepped on it.

“Put that back down!” Kassie shouted at him, kicking the pizza out of his hand. “Your b—”

“Fuck you!” Connor shouted at her again. Fury shot through his arm as he aimed a punch, but he was grabbed and pulled back as Kassie dodged.

“I said leave her alone!” Walt, who had grabbed him shouted from behind him.

He was the one who tripped him after Connor told him not to. He was the one who made him drop his pizza the first time. Connor flipped him off his back and pulled back for a punch.

Kassie had grabbed the front of his shirt and he froze. How did he not see her approaching?

“Listen, lay off my boyfriend!” Kassie said to his face, her spit hitting his face. “Yours won’t want—”

He followed through with the punch intended for Walt and Kassie went down. Walt jumped towards him and Connor stepped out of the way before kneeing him in the chin on his way down.

He turned to Kassie, but he was pulled to the ground by Walt. Other people started jumping in, all trying to restrain Connor. He stopped struggling, fully aware that they would let go shortly.

Kassie got up and looked at him. Once again she grabbed the front of his shirt. Only a few more seconds and someone would let go enough for him to get a punch in.

“Listen,” Kassie began. “It isn’t nice to—”

Connor slugged her in the face and everyone gasped and froze. That worked for him. He turned and punched Walt in the stomach.

Suddenly much stronger arms were grabbing him, holding him back. Connor struggled against those arms, but couldn’t prevail.

The doors to the cafeteria opened and Zoe entered, her eyes blazing with anger. She was focused on Connor. This was going to be interesting. They hadn’t had a good fight, a real fight, in a while.

Jared grabbed her to stop her and Connor hissed. Jared shouldn’t be touching his sister. He was a jerk.

She glared and easy pulled from his grip. Everyone just watched. Why was no one restraining her? She was coming to beat Connor up.

He struggled once more against the people holding him, but to no avail. Zoe slugged Connor in the face and it hurt. The cafeteria went silent.

The bell rang and everyone left. It was cafeteria workers who had restrained Connor and they did not let him go until the cafeteria was empty. Then they took him to the principal’s office.

The door to the principal’s office opened and he was face to face with Zoe. She stuck her tongue out and walked past him to sit in the chairs next to the visitor’s desk.

The cafeteria workers lead Connor into the principal’s office like he was an arrested criminal being ushered into jail.

“Tell me what happened,” the principal said as the door closed behind the cafeteria workers.

They let go of Connor and he took his usual seat.

“I was closing up the lunch line when I saw Connor beating up on another student who was on the floor,” the one who had been restraining Connor said. “No provocation or anything.”

Connor made a face of disbelief. He didn’t know why his voice wasn’t working, but she was so wrong. There were three of them teasing him and ruining his food and fighting back, it wasn’t fair.

“Who was it?”

“Kassie Lyons. Walt Winston tried to stand between her and Connor, but Connor pushed past him.”

“Very well, go on or else the next lunch will be missing you.”

The office was silent until the door closed once again.

“Connor, what happened in your words?”

The question finally unlocked his mouth, but nothing that made sense came out.

“Walt tripped me and laughed at my spoiled pizza and then Kassie stomped on it. They were picking on me!”

He sounded like an elementary student, but he couldn’t figure out how to explain the malice in Jared’s eyes and that he tripped him the first time or that Kassie had purposefully stomped on his pizza so it would be inedible or that he told Walt to stop and then Walt still tripped him again. He couldn’t explain how he held his temper in for longer than usual, but his classmates just kept pushing until he cracked.

“You can’t get mad at someone because they accidentally knocked you over.”

“No, you don’t understand, they did it on purpose,” Connor pleaded for Principal Ekerds to understand.

“They were not out to get you,” the principal said. Connor could tell he was trying not to raise his voice.

“They were out to get me,” Connor said, standing up from his seat in frustration.

“Sit down,” the principal ordered.



PRINCIPAL

Everyone is not out to get you

That means don’t be a lout, it’s not about you

When someone accidentally hurts you some way,

Like bumping your pizza tray.



Connor couldn’t take it. Why was no one listening to him?



CONNOR

What happened to everything has consequences?

Don’t I have the right to put up my defenses?

Why is it with Evan with my fault but today isn’t Walt’s?

They did it on purpose, you know.



PRINCIPAL

Everyone is not out to get you.

Please don’t shout, Walt’s not out to get you.

You were the only one throwing punches today

Disturbing everyone’s lunches for an upended pizza tray.



“Out of school detention for the rest of the week. Upon your return, I want an essay on the difference between accidents and bullying. Your mother is already on her way because I called her while I visited with Zoe. She will have other things to discuss with you as well, but those are family matters, not ones I deal with here.”

Connor rolled his eyes and left the principal’s office. No one believed him, even though he has never lied about getting into a fight and when it was his fault. Everyone always believes anyone but Connor.

He sat at the edge of the chairs as far away from Zoe as he could, pretending he couldn’t see her glaring at him. He knew his parents were going to take Zoe’s side of whatever ruffled her feathers and then he would be blamed for being a bad influence on her.



“Connor, why were you going around telling other people the contents of Zoe’s diary?” Mother demanded as soon as they were all locked up and moving in the car so Connor couldn’t run away. It was annoying how she always pretended to be cheerful and that nothing was wrong until Connor couldn’t escape.

“I never read her diary,” Connor replied, knowing it was going to be ignored.

“Lying isn’t going to help you.”

“I’m not lying,” Connor replied, calmly.

“Right, and you are going to say that Zoe was lying about you reading her diary?”

“It was a lucky guess!”

“A lucky guess, right. And then you are going around telling people?”

“I’m not!”

“That’s not what Zoe said.”

“And you are going to believe her and not me. I don’t know why we are even having this conversation. It’s not like you are even going to listen to me.”

“Connor, your attitude isn’t helping. Your father and I were talking about giving you your phone back soon, but after the fight today and denying that you have done anything wrong, it’s going to be a long while now.”

Connor looked out the window and rolled his eyes. He would bet his pot stash that his parents actually didn’t talk about it, mostly because they always had a shouting match when it came to discussing Connor and his problems. It was all talk trying to pressure him.

“Mom, can I get a bio-lock for my room to keep Connor out?” Zoe asked when the conversation was clearly over.

“I think a safe would be fine, I’ll talk to father.”

“But Connor will learn to pick locks or watch for the combination. A bio-lock is the only way to keep him out.”

“You’ll have to be careful and keep the combination away from him, alright?”

“Whatever.”

They made it home and mother corralled Connor into the office. It was dumb that Zoe got to go off and do whatever while he had to listen to whatever lecture his mother was going to give.

“Connor, I need you to get on the computer right now and email your teachers to get the work by the end of the school day. I want you to have it to work on for when I go to see Mrs. Vandergarden at the library tomorrow. Nothing else but emailing your teachers. I will be here watching you the entire time.”

“Swell,” Connor replied.



Chapter 8: If I Try

Chapter Text

September 11, 2018

Evan felt Connor’s departure was a little hasty. It made him uncomfortable. Was he such bad company that Connor was going to give up on the whole blackmail deal? Was he just going to release the letter because Evan wasn’t good enough of a pretend friend?

The worry had his mind spinning which meant that Evan wanted to keep moving. He couldn’t just sit and wait for the lunch bell to ring. He headed to his locker to prepare for his next class.

As he was putting a book back into his locker, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped and his book somehow managed to knock the other ones from his locker and all over the floor.

“Sorry!” A familiar female voice said.

Evan turned, it was Zoe. His heart began racing and his mind went blank.

Zoe leaned over and began picking up the fallen books, his books. He quickly squatted to help her pick up his books. She must be thinking he is an idiot for dropping his books after jumping from someone tapping him on the shoulder. She was going to bolt once she finished helping him.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” Zoe said, as she helped Evan put the books back into his locker.

Once Evan closed his locker, she began to play with her hair.

“No problem,” Evan said, suddenly realizing that was the wrong thing to say.

“Yeah,” Zoe said with a small laugh.

She was laughing at him. He was an idiot. Did his breath smell after lunch?

“Oh,” Zoe said, as if this was a normal conversation and she just remembered something. “I don’t know if you heard about that new movie coming out this weekend. All my friends say it is going to be the best movie of the year.”

“Really?” Evan asked as his mind raced to try and think of what movie was coming out. He never knew things like what movies were coming out because he usually watched Netflix or his mom brought home a Redbox from work.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to seeing it Friday. Do you want to go?”

Going to the movies required money. His mother left enough money for food, but if he skipped he might be able to pay for a movie ticket to see this movie. Then he could have something to talk about with Zoe on lunch Monday, but he couldn’t go talk to Zoe at lunch Monday or else Connor would release the letter—

“What the fu—heck!” Zoe exclaimed, grabbing Evan’s casted arm. “Is this my brother’s work?”

“What?” Evan asked blankly. Then he looked down to where her brother had written his name in large block letters. “No!” He lied quickly.

But she had already started heading down the hall, mumbling explicatives that Evan had never heard out loud before.

Evan stood there in the hallway watching her retreating back.

I can’t believe it.

EVAN

Connor told me I should try and ask her out

I didn’t believe him, it seemed like a long shot

Jared said we shared the same lunch

And I wasn’t the one who had to get in touch



If I could have seen this, seeing Zoe talking to me

If I could have seen this, I would have worried much less

We used to be a million worlds apart

But it wasn’t something I had to cross

If I could have seen this



She said she didn’t mean to startle me

She wasn’t weirded out by me

She said she really liked to see a movie

She really came up and said that to me



If I reach out, I might really get in touch

If I reach out, something might actually start

If I reach out, I might be more than what I’ve always been

If I reach out

If I try



“Dude, where were you at lunch?” Jared asked as they made to class after lunch.

“I told you, I decided the cafeteria is too much for me,” Evan lied.

“Well, you missed the fight of the year,” Jared said. “I’ll give you a ride home from school so I can tell you about it. Meet me by the flag pole.”

“Alright,” Evan said before the separated to their seats.



For whatever reason, Jared always waited until he was in the car, the AC was blowing at the right temperature and speed, that music was coming out of the radio before he turned it down to tell whatever story he had to tell. Evan found it a little strange, but he was sure he had much stranger habits and had no room to talk. It just meant that they sat in silence until Jared achieved the environment he wanted.

“Before I get to into this story, I want to tell you that you will be even more head-over-heels for Zoe after you hear it,” Jared started, piquing Evan’s interest. “Kassie was telling us that she had spotted Connor with his arm around another boy at lunch. Then Connor came out of the food line carrying two pizzas. We bet one of those was for his boyfriend, so we called him over.

“He trips and drops the pizza he didn’t eat. Then the weirdo picks up the pizza and puts it back on the plate. Kassie flips out because she thinks he is going to deliver the dirt covered pizza to his boyfriend without warning, so she goes to stop him and he gets really mad. Walt jumps up to protect Kassie because they’re a thing this year.

“Connor starts fighting both of them, not listening to a word they say while they try to keep the pizza away from him. Eventually some adult comes and restrains Connor. Then the cafeteria door bangs open. We all turn and there is Zoe, majestic as ever. Her hair blowing behind her head as she storms towards Connor.

“I could tell immediately that she was going to punch Connor. Not wanting her to get detention as well, since there was an adult present to report her, I grabbed her arm to stop her. She earned her release with a single glare. It was a powerful glare. Mesmerizing.

“Anyway, she punched Connor in the face and it was intense. Of course she got suspended, Connor too, but it was a moment I will never forget, Zoe punching Connor. I can’t believe what it would be like to live with that monster. I bet Connor deserved it a hundred times over.

“But yeah, apparently our lives depend on whether or not Connor’s boyfriend stays with him. At least it is looking like they are already together so Connor has no reason to shoot up the school.”

Evan stared at Jared wondering how that story was supposed to make him like Zoe more. He liked that she noticed him and talked to him, especially that she told him about something she loved. Now he could go and research it so he could have something better to talk to her about other than her last jazz band concert.

“Dude,” Jared said, pulling Evan from his thoughts. “Isn’t that the greatest story?”

“Connor isn’t gay,” stumbled out of Evan’s mouth. Why would he say that?

“What? Are you his mysterious lunch date?”

“No!” Evan said, more practiced in his lie.

“Well, Kassie said she saw Connor with his arm around another boy at lunch. Bros don’t do that. I wouldn’t do that to you, mostly because you don’t have boobs to try and touch that way.” Jared laughed.

Evan didn’t respond. Kassie must have seen him and Connor, but Connor never put his arm around Evan. No, she had to have seen Connor with a different boy when he left lunch early. Besides, didn’t Kassie know who he was? They had been in at least three of each other’s classes since the sixth grade.

“Oh, come on,” Jared said when Evan didn’t reply. “Don’t you ever think about how soft Zoe’s boobs must be? Don’t you ever dream of touching them?”

“Yeah,” Evan lied hastily, not wanting Jared to think he was gay—because he wasn’t, not because it was a bad thing. Evan would be fine with being gay, but he only ever had crushes on girls. “Sorry, but I’m not one to test the boundaries of consent by trying to touch them while putting my arm around her.”

“Dude, it’s how you test the waters. After she lets you have…you know what, never mind. You wouldn’t understand because you’ve never been that close to a girl. I’m going to have to give you a script so you can actually ask Zoe out. Then I can give you the finer details on navigating further intimacy.”

“Like you’re the expert, virgin,” Evan jabbed, not really wanting to talk about this with Jared because he felt belittled.

“Hey!” Jared exclaimed. “At least I’ve gotten to second base, under the bra. You’ve never been up to bat! Once you get a date on your own, then you can tell me I don’t know jack. But I bet you won’t be able to get a date without my help.”

“Sorry,” Evan said, feeling bad for insulting Jared when he was just trying to help. It was true that Evan had no clue how to get a date, especially when his brain and mouth most especially refused to work when he was with Zoe.

“Right,” Jared said. “Now I get to be the better man and help land you a date with Zoe.”

“With the project you asked for my help with?” Evan asked. It had been silently nagging at the back of his brain.

“Oh, not that. I need to talk to Walt about that. No, I’m talking about asking Zoe out.”

“What?” Evan asked, startled. This was not what he was expecting. He was hoping to be friends first before having to move on to asking her out, mostly because there was no way he was going to get out a coherent sentence in front of her.

Jared stopped the car in front of Evan’s house.

“I don’t have time to come over today, but I’ll come by tomorrow. I’ll show you how to ask Zoe out and then you’ll ask her out. We’ve got time, she’s suspended tomorrow. Then you will be begging me for tips on how to progress the intimacy of your relationship and you won’t think I’m a rookie anymore.”

Evan nodded, unsure how to respond to that.

“Get outta my car!” Jared said, playfully hitting Evan’s thigh with his hand. “I’ve got places to be. I’ve got stories to hear from Walt.”

“Sorry,” Evan said, nodding in response as he got out of the car.

He stood and waved as Jared drove off.

Crap. What was he going to do? Jared was expecting Evan to ask Zoe out? There was no way he could do that….But what if Zoe liked him back? Would that be so lame?

Evan and Zoe were in Ellison Park. Evan was explaining the intricacies of why the leaves had changed due to the cooler weather. Zoe’s eyes were full of awe at the trees and Evan’s love and passion for them.

A wind passed through the trees, she shivered. Evan pulled her near with his arm over her shoulder.

This is wonderful,” she said. “I never knew how knowing about trees would change my life. Everyone needs to know about this. You would be a great professor.”

You’re right,” Evan replied, not stuttering or stumbling.

Zoe paused and leaned in for a quick kiss. Then they returned to admiring the falling leaves.

Evan shook his head. He was still standing on the curb like some freak. There was no way that Zoe liked him.

He entered his house. There was a simple way to prove this. He would ask Connor. Connor was Zoe’s brother, he had to know who Zoe had a crush on. That’s how siblings work, right?

He pulled out his computer and sent an email to Connor.



Dear Connor Murphy,

I have a small favor to ask. If this is TMI, tell me to take a step back. Jared tells me that I should ask Zoe out, but I think that would be the wrong route. Can you please tell me if this is a bad idea? I don’t want to go if all she wants is free pizza.

I feel bad asking you, but I want to know the truth. Does Zoe like me or am I uncouth?

I’m sorry,

Me”

Chapter 9: Imagination Party

Chapter Text

September 11, 2018

“What do you mean you haven’t gotten your assignments yet?” Mother demanded angrily while Connor was lying in his bed for a lack of a better activity.

“You only let me email to ask for the assignments,” Connor explained testily. “They didn’t respond immediately. It’s not like the assignments are online and I just had to look them up.”

“Why haven’t you checked your email?”

“I’m grounded from every device that permits me to check my email?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. Go and check now. Clearly that is why I came up and tell you before you started giving me that attitude.”

Connor rolled his eyes visibly and followed his mother downstairs.

To his surprise, she passed the office door and continued to the kitchen. Was this unsupervised computer time? Would it be enough to catch up on some of the videos of YouTubers that he liked to watch?

Connor sat in the chair and opened up a tab for his email and one for his YouTube. He would need headphones. He searched the desk for them while his email loaded.

He hadn’t found any when he looked up and saw that he had an email from Evan. He felt breathless and his heart rate picked up.

What was Evan emailing him about? Had he turned Connor in? Was this a warning that he was going to get in even greater trouble?

...or was it just a friendly email? What if Evan realized he really had a crush on Connor and not Zoe? What if this was an email of Evan confessing his feelings for Connor?

Connor let his imagination flow.



Dear Connor Murphy,

Your absence at lunch was felt, though it wasn’t until you left. I never would have known something was there until you left and suddenly I became aware. You make life feel more real, more worth living. I won’t climb another tree as long as I know where at lunch I’ll be sitting.

Please say you miss me too. I’m glad you made this arrangement for lunch. I never would have known the darkness in my life would go away while in your presence.

Sincerely,

Me



And then Connor would respond:



Dear Evan Hansen,

You put into words feelings I never would have known how to express. I would be deleting your letter from my phone, but I don’t have access. I’m sorry it started this way but I promise to be the best friend that I know how to be. Maybe we can meet after school, I’ll run away shortly after three. We can get a slurpee at 7-11.

Sincerely your best friend,

Me



Dear Connor Murphy,

I see what you did there and no I don’t think you are going to pull a JD. I think everyone is the bully when they make jokes about you going on a shooting spree. I don’t think you are violent, I think you are just hurt. Together we can solve each other’s hurts, just wait and see. You’ll give me confidence and I’ll solve your anger issues. It’s easier to change when you have someone to change for. We’ll watch all those bootlegs and sing-a-long, and we’ll get better. Life will be much easier when we are a team. It’ll be better than your wildest dream.

Your dearest friend,

Me



Dear Evan Hansen,

What about Zoe?

Sincerely, Me



Dear Connor Murphy,

Zoe was the dream of the Evan who took the assumed sexual orientation. Once I looked deeper, I realized I only cared for you. I have Hamilton Bootlegs, come over and we can call it a date. My parents will be out Friday night.

Sincerely your best and dearest friend,

Me



“Connor! Are you done yet?” Mom called from the kitchen.

Connor came crashing from his imagination party, realizing he hadn’t done anything on the computer yet. He hadn’t even opened the email from Evan yet.

“No, not yet!” Connor called back.

He hovered the mouse over the email from his teacher. No. He wanted to know what Evan was saying. Maybe Evan wanted to tell Connor that he didn’t have a crush on Zoe anymore.



Dear Connor Murphy,

I have a small favor to ask. If this is TMI, tell me to take a step back. Jared tells me that I should ask Zoe out, but I think that would be the wrong route. Can you please tell me if this is a bad idea? I don’t want to go if all she wants is free pizza.

I feel bad asking you, but I want to know the truth. Does Zoe like me or am I uncouth?

I’m sorry, Me”



Nope.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe

I just have a small part to play

Then I can get out of the way



Dear Evan Hansen,

Zoe has a crush on you. Asking her out is the right thing to do. I am suspended, so I can’t help you be on fleek until next week. Asking someone out is never perfect, but you she won’t reject.

Trust, me.



PS. Really? Closing with sorry?”



Connor sent it and then checked the emails from his teachers, writing the assignments down on a loose piece of paper near the computer. Only half of his teachers responded. His mother wouldn’t be happy to hear that.

He was about to click to his YouTube tab when he saw that Evan had already responded. What else did Evan have to say?



Dear Connor Murphy,

Thank you for your vote of confidence. When Zoe talked to me I felt tense. She talked to me about a movie, but I don’t know which one to see. I don’t want to look dumb by watching the wrong one. Do you know which movie?

Sincerely, Me?”



Connor’s heart stopped. Partially because that was how dream-Evan ended his email confessing his feelings and partially because he could see that Zoe had been pushing Evan to ask her to the movie.

He could do this. Evan needed Zoe and right now Connor was the friend to help him. It wasn’t like he had been planning to stick around this long anyway.

He cut away all formalities because his mind was too hopeful when he used them. Besides, he just needed to tell Evan what it meant.



Zoe was asking you out to see that movie.

She will be back tomorrow after being suspended.

Just tell her yes and you will see that movie for free.

Then you’ll have a date with Zoe. Isn’t that splendid?”



Connor sent it before realizing that it might have been a bit more bitter than he intended. Whatever. Evan needed someone stable and nice like Zoe. He was just the means to the end.

“What are you doing?” Zoe demanded, sitting on the desk.

“Checking for emails from my teachers,” Connor replied, quickly clicking on the YouTube tab. He couldn’t let Zoe see that he was emailing Evan that was too awkward.

“You want to know why I punched you?”

“I thought you already got me in trouble for spreading rumors about you liking Evan Hansen, which I didn’t do.”

“No, but you were meddling in my love life.”

“How?!”

“You never talk to Evan except when you push him around because he is in your way. You find out I have a crush on him and then I see that you’ve interacted enough with him to force him to let you sign his cast.”

“Oh, big deal. And that happened before--” Connor hastily cut himself off. He was about to spill the beans that Evan had been in suicide watch. He knew that if he had been in suicide watch and Evan knew, he wouldn’t want Evan to tell his crush...even though in this odd imaginary circumstance Evan was his crush and did know, so it wasn’t the best scenario to compare it to...Whatever, all he knew was that he couldn’t tell Zoe.

“BEFORE WHAT?” Zoe asked loudly and Connor realized it must not have been the first time she asked that question.

“Before I knew you liked him, chill out,” Connor said, trying to brush his awkward silence as nothing.

“You’re lying. I know it.”

“I’m not lying,” technically.

“Stop talking to Evan,” Zoe said quietly. “You didn’t care about his existence before, so don’t change because you discovered that I have an interest in him. Or else.”

“I care!”

Zoe returned that comment with a glare before hopping off the desk and leaving the office.

Connor glared into the corner by the printer. It wasn’t fair. He wasn’t that heartless to not care about Evan, he was just blind to how badly he had affected him. He also didn’t have self-control or know how to talk to anyone civilly. It just was a mess. Connor was the mess.

“Connor! What are you doing?!” Mom’s voice pulled Connor from his spiraling thoughts.

Connor looked to the computer and saw that it was on his YouTube home page.

“I told you to check your email, not go on YouTube!”

The thought of lying to his mother about one of the assignments being to watch a YouTube video, but he didn’t have the energy for that, instead he shrugged.

“I thought I could leave you alone for a few minutes so I could work on making dinner for everyone and here you are proving that I can’t trust you for a few minutes. Go to your email right now, or I will take over for you.”

Connor silently prayed that Evan wouldn’t respond while his mother was hovering over his shoulder and went to do as his mother asked.



Chapter 10: Practice Makes Perfect

Notes:

For the songs where I was still working on the lyrics fitting with the music, the title of the melody (Jared is Gay in this chapter) is placed at the start. It will help you find the themes that the music was trying to share because it was to help me remember.

Chapter Text

September 12-13, 2018

Evan paced his bedroom after school. Jared said he would be back after dropping Walt and Kassie off, but that was an hour ago. Evan had avoided telling Jared that he had asked Connor about asking Zoe out, mostly because he didn’t have an excuse as to why he would be talking to Connor at all. Though he knew that without Connor’s assuring words he would not be agreeing to Jared trying to help him ask Zoe out.

Of course, then Evan worried about how Connor hadn’t responded since the weird, greetings-less email saying that Zoe had been asking Evan to ask her out. He was worried that he had offended Connor somehow, but perhaps he was really just grounded from his computer after being suspended. He learned from Jared, who had spoken with Kassie who had spoken to Zoe, that Connor was suspended for the rest of the week. He supposed that was what Connor had meant when he said he couldn’t help Evan until next week, and Evan had been fine with waiting until next week, but the movie was coming out this weekend and Zoe likely wanted to avoid spoilers so it couldn’t wait and--

His phone buzzed with a text message.

Jared: I’m here. Let me in!
Evan: Ok. I’m upstairs, give me a minute.

Evan ran down the stairs and opened the front door to Jared with rolls of paper under his arms.

“Hey, Evan!” Jared said, stepping in past Evan.

Evan quickly closed and locked the front door.

“What’s all that?” Evan asked as he followed Jared upstairs to Evan’s bedroom.

“It’s the stuff for the background for the jazz concert,” Jared explained, setting the rolls down in a corner of Evan’s room. “Walt bailed on me so it will just be the two of us. I got some paint and printed out the instructions for you.”

“Are we doing this today?” Evan asked, taking the instructions from Jared so he could pull out the paint in his backpack.

“Oh no, it doesn’t have to be done for a couple of weeks. We are talking about Zoe today and how you are going to go see Slenderman with her this weekend.”

Evan looked up at Jared in shock. There was no way in the world he was going to see that movie. He would likely have nightmares tonight because Jared just mentioned it offhandedly.

“Just kidding!” Jared said. “It’s best to let her pick what movie. She probably wants to see some romantic chick flick. Whatever, you are the one dealing with that. I’m just here to land you that date.”
Evan nodded. He had been saving the money his mother left for dinner to pay for the movie tickets. He normally couldn’t get himself to order food, so it wasn’t anything different except for the fact that his mother didn’t come and talk to him about needing to order food or asking for her help to order food.

“Shall we just jump into this?”

“Into what?”

“Training you to ask Zoe out.”

“Oh,” Evan replied, feeling his nerves flood his body.

“So, you plan on inviting her to the movies, right? It’s the standard date thing, then you can hold her hand or sneak a kiss without it being too public or having all her attention on you.”

“What?” Evan said. He had not been thinking that he would be hand-holding or kissing on the first date. They would go to the movie Zoe wanted to see and then have something to talk about later if there was a later. There was no way Zoe would like him. What was he thinking?

“Zoe has a crush on you,” the text from one of Connor’s emails floated to the front of Evan’s mind. Was Connor right? Why would Connor email saying that if it wasn’t true? Because he would want to see Evan even more humiliated? But Connor hasn’t released the therapy letter or told anyone that he had been on suicide watch. Why would he humiliate Evan by having him ask Zoe out?

“Evan, Evan, are you there?” Jared asked, waving his hand in front of Evan’s face.

“Sorry,” Evan replied hastily.

“Don’t worry you will have plenty of time to daydream about what it would be like to date Zoe, but for now focus.”

 

Jared is Gay

Boys like girls and girls like boys.

The tale as old as time,

that plays out all the time.

When it’s your first turn in the game,

You freeze up and forget how to play.

 

But you don’t need to worry, because

 

Boys like girls and girls like boys.

While at first you might stutter,

Asking her out is all you have to muster.

Then all you need is a yes from her

To start on the path of love

 

Boys like girls and girls like boys

Once you two are alone,

You’ll see your worry was overblown

You’ll know things not shown

And realize it’s as natural as breathing

 

“Damn, Evan, all this love talk makes me horny. Mind if I hop in the shower for a moment?”

“No! You are not doing that at my house!”

“It was just a joke. But really, it’s really simple. You say, ‘Zoe, will you go to the movies with me?’ Can you say that?”

“Zoe, will you go to that movie with me?” Evan said, quickly adding, “But it’s different when it’s just you and me in my bedroom. The words aren’t as hard to say.”

“I’m flattered,” Jared said before laughing.

Evan wasn’t sure if Jared was laughing at him or if what he had said actually was a joke and he didn’t realize it.

“I know this will make you sound stupid, but you are going to repeat it so many times so you can’t mess up when you see her tomorrow. I’ll stick around for, like, the first hundred or so, and then you’ll have to practice in your mirror.”

Evan nodded.

Jared opened his hands to indicate that Evan should get started.

It was surprisingly harder after the first five times. It didn’t help that Jared made funny faces to distract Evan or that he came up with ridiculous responses, but they practiced.

“Alright, practice some more on your own. I have to go,” Jared said, standing up to leave.

“But what do I say after I ask her out?”

“Just talk like you do with me. Arrange the details. No, wait, this is Evan Hansen we are talking about. The next phrase you need to practice is ‘can I have your number?’ Then you tell her that you will text her the details. I can help you with that part too. Relax. Rejection isn’t the end of the world. I’ll find you someone even hotter next time.”

“Who is hotter than Zoe?”

“Good question, I’ll find an answer if she rejects you.”

 

Evan practiced late into the night, so much that he almost overslept his alarm. At lunchtime he was going to ask Zoe out on a date. He had practiced the words so much that he shouldn’t mix them up when he saw her. Connor said that Zoe liked him. That meant things would go well.

“Zoe, will you go to the movie with me this weekend?” Evan practiced into the mirror one more time. He imagined a simple ‘yes’ and then continued. “Great, can I have your phone number so we can text the details later?”

He looked...decent...and his practice got him to not mix things up no matter how many more times he said it. With that he joined his mother to head to school.

Third period he made a terrible mistake and started saying his practiced speech to Zoe when the teacher asked him a question. He squeaked before he got too far and the teacher called on someone else.

Then it was lunchtime. He was still avoiding the cafeteria because he had told Jared that to hide the fact that he was eating lunch with Connor because Connor blackmailed him and so he had to continue the charade so Jared wouldn’t figure it out. He hoped that he would find Zoe towards the end of lunch in the hallway so he wouldn’t have to chase her down to ask her out.

He was at his locker pulling out his lunch when he got a tap on his shoulder.

Once more he jumped and turned around, his lunch falling from the paper sack it was in. It was Zoe. Words began to tumble out of his mouth.

“Zoe, I movie number...I mean, I want to go to the phone number. No, the movie is great. Let’s go sometime.”

“Sorry!” Zoe said, picking up his fallen apple. “But yeah, I’m glad you decided you wanted to go to the movie with me this Friday. I’ll pick you up around 6?”

Evan stared at her blankly as she held out his apple for him to take. Then he realized she was waiting for his response. He nodded and took the apple.

“Awesome,” she said, beginning to play with her hair again. “Um, can I have your phone number so I can let you know when I’m on my way?”

“Oh yeah, uh, yeah,” Evan replied, fumbling for his phone.

They swapped phones and Evan began typing his phone number into her phone when he realized he was actually putting in his mom’s work number and had to start over. His hands were sweating and it was getting all over Zoe’s nice iPhone and he felt bad. Then Zoe was done much quicker and was waiting for him, holding out his phone for him to take back. Then she got a text message.

Once he finished typing in his number, he passed the phone back without putting in his name or anything else. He felt bad, but he couldn’t keep holding onto her phone because his hands were getting

it dirty and he would likely drop it if he held onto it much longer. He took his phone and then pocketed it.

“See you tomorrow,” Zoe said, turning with a wave.

“You too!” Evan called back, hoping that was the normal response. It seemed so to him, but he never could tell.

She disappeared in the direction of the cafeteria before Evan dared move. He took a step and slipped and fell on his butt.

He looked to find that he had slipped on the baggy that his sandwich had resided in. He collected the rest of the pieces of his lunch before going to his and Connor’s lunch spot. He would be alone, but it was better than going to the cafeteria and admitting he was having lunch in secret with Connor to Jared. Yeah, eating alone was much better.

After he finished eating and was waiting for lunch, the shock wore off and he realized that he had a date with Zoe Murphy. He couldn’t believe it.

Chapter 11: There's a Path in the Park

Notes:

Connor self-harms. And another reminder that this fic isn't for you if suicidal thoughts and suicide ideation is triggering. It's what Connor's and Evan's arcs are all about.

Chapter Text

TW: Self-harm, drug use/mention

September 14-17, 2018

Due to the fiasco of being found on the YouTube site, even though he hadn’t spent a single second on YouTube, Connor was not permitted to check his own email for the rest of his school work for being suspended. This meant he had no clue what happened with Evan. Did he ask Zoe out? Did she say yes? Is he happier because of it?

It was a pain too because it wasn’t like Zoe was talking to Connor either. And it wasn’t like he could go and ask because she would flip if he asked her about her ‘love life’. He just wanted to know if Evan was happy. It was dumb that he couldn’t do anything of the sort.

Friday after school, Zoe took a shower straight away. When she came out, she smelled strongly of--of smelly things girls put on in the bathroom. That had to mean something.

“Are you trying to summon a horde of bees?” Connor asked snidely while leaning against her door frame.

Zoe was laying out multiple outfits on her bed. More clues that she was heading out on a date, but was it with Evan and was it what he wanted?

“Go away Connor, I don’t have time to deal with you,” Zoe said, simply shooing Connor away with her hand.

Connor spotted her jeans with stars on the cuffs and part of him wanted to tell her she ought to wear those jeans, but he knew that would start a fight and he would be the one in trouble, again.

“Time?” Connor replied as if he were clueless. “You got suspended, which means you are grounded, which means you have little time for hanging out around the house?”

“Shut up, Connor,” Zoe said, laying out shoes and comparing them with the different outfits. “You know mom thinks I was right to punch you. She says you deserved it.”

“So you’re not grounded and are going out to meet the bees?”

“I’m wearing too much perfume, aren’t I?” Zoe said, pushing past Connor to go back into the bathroom.

Connor followed her as she began splashing water on her neck and wrists.

“I’m sure your friends won’t mind if you smell like a flower show on steroids,” Connor said sarcastically, waiting for her to blow and tell him all about Evan.

“I’m really not in the mood for games, Connor,” Zoe said, pushing past him to go back to her room. “Whatever you are dying to say, go ahead and say it.”

“It,” Connor replied, giving her a smug look.

She almost laughed, but instead she quickly switched to anger.

“Alright, Connor. Since you are being such a jerk about everything, I’m going on a date with Evan tonight. You clearly want to know because you are so incapable of making and keeping friends because the only people who deal with your shit are the people who are forced to live with you. So yes, live vicariously through me. I have friends and go on dates. But you can’t meddle, understand. You destroy everything you touch and I don’t want to have to deal with an even more broken Evan because you are incapable of making your own friends and so you think you have the right to steal mine.”

“Geez!” Connor retorted testily. “I’m not fucking meddling with Evan. You just wish I didn’t exist.”

“You are too meddling with Evan and yes, my life would be a lot simpler without you.”

“Yeah, well, at least I don’t play dumb jazz,” Connor said, turning to go to his room. He was on the verge of tears because of her comment about breaking Evan.

“Yeah, well at least someone besides my mother likes me enough to spend time with me!” Zoe called after him as he made his way into his room.

He slammed his door and threw himself on his bed and let the tears fall. She was right. He broke Evan and Evan and Zoe would be better off without him.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe

I just have a small part to play

Then I can get out of the way



Was that it? Had he accomplished his task? Two lunches and a few emails was all it took to get Evan with Zoe?

There was a knock at his door and then it opened.

“Connor, sweetie,” his mother’s voice came from the door.

He didn’t bother to look at her.

“Your father and I are going out for the evening, along with Zoe. Well, we aren’t all going together, I don’t want you to think we are doing a family thing without you. Dad and I are getting drinks and Zoe is going to the movies with friends. You need to stay in the house because you are still grounded. You can watch some old movies on the downstairs TV, but everything else is locked. Your dad will be very upset if you leave the house or hack into the other TV. Please be good, he might let you be un-grounded soon if you behave.”

Connor rolled his eyes. She always spoke like grounding was her father’s decision and not hers. It was stupid really. She was the one who jumped to grounding and only called in dad for reinforcements when Connor was too difficult.

The difficult child. That’s all he was.

“Good night,” his mother said and then closed the door.



Connor listened as his mother and father left in dad’s car. Then he listened as Zoe hummed her way downstairs and to her pulling out of the garage. Once the garage closed behind her, he dared sit up and think about everything.

This was the moment he had been planning for. He was home alone for the night, which meant if he left now, they wouldn’t realize he was missing until it was too late.

He got up and opened the drawer in his desk and lifted up the false bottom and pulled a bottle of mixed pills. He had lifted them from the cupboard a couple of weeks ago and no one seemed to notice. He had been planning on this the first day, but for some stupid reason he had to hold on to the impossible hope that he could be friends with Evan.

He shoved them into his pockets and then returned the drawer to normal. He decided to buy himself a little more time by putting some clothes underneath his blankets to make it look like someone was in the bed.

Then he was out the front door and heading to the park.



There’s a path in the park

That’s lined in the dark

With the lost and outcast

Feared by those who will outlast



Connor nodded to Mr. Wilson on his bench, curled up in his blankets and clearly on an acid trip.



Winter comes and the forgotten are still forgot

He was departed three days until caught

Killed by the cold, not very old



He turned off the path.



Not seeking attention,

To not be undone

To disappear

Without fear



He made it to the bench where they found the twenty-something homeless man dead last year. It seemed the best place. He clenched the bottle of pills in his pocket.



Death’s Bench

Society quenched.



It sounded wrong. It sounded familiar. Then he heard it. Then he heard his father’s voice.



That’s not the right way.



Connor sighed and sat down on the bench. His father’s words filling up his mind.



And though life isn’t easy

Disappearing is cheating

Stop seeking attention

For it cannot be undone



Life just takes a little patience

It takes a little time

A little perseverance

And a little uphill climb



You might not think it’s worth it

You might begin to doubt

But you can’t take any shortcuts

You gotta stick it out



And it’s the hard way

But it’s the right way

The right way.



He kicked at the ground in frustration. Then he pulled the knife from his pocket.



Mark the trees and pay the fees

To stay and obey

To be at ease, but not with yourself

And ‘one of these days,

Everything will change,’

So dad says.



The pain made it a little easier to bear the thought of Zoe and Evan together on a date, but wasn’t that just proof of how senile he was? He can’t even handle his friend going on a date with his sister without wanting to hurt himself.

He should just get it over with. End his miserable excuse of a life.



Only mark the bench

Only visit to sketch

A drop or two to fall

Instead of them all

Cause it’s the hard way…



The tears turned into sobs. He took the bottle of pills and threw them, then he cleaned the knife off and put it away. He couldn’t do it.

When he finished crying, he found himself thinking about Evan. There was no way that one date was all it was going to take to make sure he felt okay being with Zoe, from what Connor knew about him and his anxiety. He likely had his hands all twisted up in his shirt like he always did.

No, Evan needed him for a little longer. He had to make sure Evan was happy. He had to see Evan happy before this could be okay.

But there was something Connor needed to be able to deal with this.

“Mr. Wilson,” Connor greeted when he made his way to Mr. Wilson’s side of the park. “I need something a bit stronger to get through next week. What do you have?”



Monday Connor was back in school. He found himself in the hallway the period before lunch. Nobody questioned it, as he was frequently told to stand outside of the classroom due to his disruptive behavior. He had planned on skipping that class to go to the bathroom to shoot up before seeing Evan at lunch, but, for whatever reason, he couldn’t get himself to do it.

He had no clue why he wasn’t. It wasn’t like he didn’t take heroin before. He used to take it more frequently than he smoked pot now, but then he went to rehab. Now he just occasionally smoked pot. He knows his family would argue his use of the word ‘occasionally’, but that didn’t matter. He needed something to smooth out the rough edges, to make life a bit more bearable.

The bell rang for lunch, and he was still standing in the hallway. What was wrong with him? Was he really foolish enough to think he could face the beaming Evan coming to tell him all about his date with Zoe without being decently high?

The hallway filled up around him and he kept standing and staring.

He spotted Evan in the crowd and that was all it took to get him moving. He headed to the nearest bathroom and hid in a stall until the second bell rang and everyone was either in class or the cafeteria.

He glared as the last kid dried his hands hurriedly before leaving the bathroom. Then Connor took his spot on the floor, one as far from the urinals as possible.

He pulled the heroin shots out of his backpack and put them between his legs. He was going to have to make those two shots last until it was time to disappear.

He gave a quick look to the door of the bathroom before rolling up his sleeves.

He made the mistake of looking at his forearm. The scars, the marks. Why did he do such things to himself? If he ever had a chance with anyone, they would look at his arms and decide he wasn’t worth it.

Shut up! Just shoot up already, Evan is waiting.

He picked up a needle and felt his arm with a finger, searching for the right spot. Then the door opened and he dropped the needle between his legs and stared forward blankly like he was already high.

“Connor?”

That voice melted through the facade he was trying to put on and he turned to look at Evan.

His heart fluttered and then raced in panic. Evan was here, catching Connor shooting up with heroin. If this didn’t count as messing up Evan even more, Connor was a urinal.

Connor quickly looked at the wall in front of him to avoid making eye contact again, but it didn’t deter Evan.

Evan sat down next to Connor, asking, “Um, what were you doing?”

Connor could feel Evan peer over Connor’s legs at the needles. Connor dug around in his mind for a lie.

“What are those?” Evan asked, pointing to the needles.

Connor remembered there was this one kid in elementary school that had to get shots before meals, but he couldn’t remember what the disease was called. Not that it mattered. He couldn’t lie to Evan.

Connor opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He closed his mouth when he felt tears stinging in his eyes. He was the screw up. This was why he never had a chance with Evan. It wasn’t like he was going to have a chance with him anyway, since Evan was clearly searching him out to tell him how his date went with Zoe. Might as well give him the full truth so he won’t be too sad at Connor’s death.

Connor rolled the needles under his legs and to Evan. Evan foolishly picked them up. Connor finally found his voice.

“Heroin.”

“Heroin?” Evan repeated as the door to the bathroom swung open.

“Heroin?” A third voice repeated from the door.

The person at the door was gone before Connor had a chance to look up and see who it was. The door banged shut behind them, which only meant one thing: whoever it was went to tell on them.

Not wanting Evan to get in trouble, Connor grabbed the needles from Evan with one hand, his backpack in the other. He deposited the needles into the garbage can and fled the bathroom.

He lost his backpack somewhere, but he didn’t care. Running was giving him a feeling that was better than what he was feeling before. He couldn’t explain it, but it was like he was escaping all of his problems.

He was running away from the heroin, from Evan and Zoe, from school. If only it was a feeling that could last.

Chapter 12: We're Flying Blind

Notes:

TW: Drugs, Cops

Chapter Text

September 17, 2018

Life seemed to flash before Evan’s eyes as he ran from the bathroom. And by life, he meant what happened to cause him to be running after Connor, but at this point that was all the life he seemed to remember.

He had left class excited to talk to Connor and get advice about the date and how it went and what that meant about him and Zoe. He spotted Connor who seemed to turn unhappy at seeing Evan and went to the bathroom. Evan had continued to their lunch spot, but when Connor hadn’t shown up after the second bell, he began to panic, thinking Connor was done with him and was going to post the letter.

Instead he found Connor in the bathroom looking like he was about to inject a needle into his injured arm. Then Connor passed the needles and told Evan it was heroin. Then he picked up the heroin only to be caught by another student. Now he was running for his life to not be caught.

Why was he so dumb? Why did he touch the heroin? If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t need to be running!

He made it outside the school building and slowed for a moment to spot which direction Connor headed. It seemed the most logical thing to follow Connor since Connor clearly had more experience on what to do after being caught with drugs in the school bathroom.

Evan heard voices shouting for him to stop from inside the school. He was going to get caught, arrested, and his life would be ruined.

He spotted Connor and picked up speed again, but he couldn’t catch up. He couldn’t breathe. Then the world started getting fuzzy. He pushed himself harder. He couldn’t get caught. His life would be over.

He saw Connor’s figure ahead of him. His body clearly more built to run than Evan’s. There was no way he would catch up.

He tripped over something in the parking lot and fell. The fact that he was hyperventilating was much more obvious now that he was on the ground. He was having a panic attack and it was preventing him from running away. This was the end.

“FUCK!” Filled his ears. Evan couldn’t tell who was yelling at him or why. “Breathe freak! Don’t die on me!”

Oh yeah, he needed to breathe. But he was breathing, too fast.

“Fuck! What do you do? Slow down! Deep breaths! Don’t pass out!”

Evan tried to obey the voice. It seemed reasonable.

“Count or something!”

Oh yeah, Dr. Sherman had told Evan to count to keep himself from hyperventilating. It was difficult at first, but slowly he got his breathing under control.

“You’re breathing, for fuck’s sake,” Connor said. The person who had helped him was Connor. “I’m so glad you are breathing now.”

A shadow fell over them. Evan and Connor looked over to see two cops standing over them, each with handcuffs at the ready.

Evan began counting once more to avoid another panic attack.



They arrived at the station and everything on their person was taken except their clothes. They even took blood samples. Then they were taken to this room full of phones with dividers.

“You get one call,” the officer who brought them in said, motioning for them to go in.

Evan picked up the phone and dialed his mother’s number, not sure what he was supposed to say. How long was he going to be here? Was this going to be his last conversation with his mother? Would he be locked up forever?

The phone rang and rang and Evan began feeling deja vu. He tried to block it from his memory, but it would not be blocked.

He was on the ground. His arm hurt. He hadn’t died.

He was alone.

He got up and saw there was something wrong with his arm. He needed to go to the hospital, but he didn’t have the emotional energy to get up and get help.

He found his phone, only slightly dented. He called his mother. It rang and went to voicemail. He called again and again, but still no answer.

She didn’t care. She didn’t care that he tried to kill himself and failed. He should climb the tree and make sure to fall further to actually finish the job.

But he couldn’t get himself to stand up, no less climb the tree. He called one more time. This time it went straight to voicemail...

“This is Heidi Hansen, sorry I couldn’t get to the phone right now. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

Evan hung up the phone. He couldn’t do this again. He felt the tears well up in his eyes and he sank his head down onto the desk.

“What the fuck! This isn’t a prank call!” Connor’s voice called from the other side of the room.

Evan peered over at him, drying his eyes.

“No, dad, I have much better things to do with my life than bother you at work…Like getting high. I would get high before calling you to pretend I was arrested. I’m seriously at the jail with another kid from school... They arrested us for no reason. You need to come and yell at them….Yes, ground me later, I don’t care. I’m already grounded for the rest of my life...Fine, do that. I think I would prefer it...Yes, I’ll wait until you are done working for the day...Yes, I know how long that takes some days, it’s not like I have any other choices because it’s not like the other kid’s parents’ are going to get me out of here...No, I didn’t--whatever. Just do whatever. I’m here, now you know.”

Connor hung up angrily. He sunk his head in the same way that made Evan think of himself when he had hung up on his mother’s voicemail. Why would he do that when his parental unit actually answered? What would lead someone who was paid attention to feel dejected like Evan?

“Time’s up,” the officer said from the door. “Come with me.”

Evan dried his face once more before following the officer to their holding cell. He tried not to notice that Connor was leaning forward so that his hair obstructed his face, but Evan couldn’t help but feel like he was trying to hide tears.

Once in their cell, Connor laid down on the floor, hands behind his head.

Evan couldn’t handle all the feelings in his body. He began pacing, trying to not think about how his mother didn’t respond to his call, how nobody knew that he was in jail except Connor, the fact that he was in jail and likely for life, all for touching the heroin. Why did he—?

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, breaking the silence.

Evan looked at Connor. “Sorry for what?”

“I don’t know, for getting you involved, for having heroin in the first place. I’ve been clean all summer, ever since rehab. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Are you high now?”

“No, but I wish.”

“Why?”

Evan covered his mouth as soon as that question escaped. That was a very rude question. And it was clearly the wrong thing to say because Connor was clearly mad now.

“Because I’m a fucked up piece of shit!” Connor shouted jumping to his feet.

Evan cowered, afraid he was going to get beat up. That’s what happened in jails, right? You got beat up and here he was with the kid in his grade that pushed him around the most. Jared would say Evan was asking for it by hanging out with Connor.

There was a thud and a smack, but Evan was uninjured. He looked up and saw Connor punching and hitting the wall. Then Connor started howling, then the howling sounded more like sobs, then the punches got weaker and less frequent, then everything but the sobs stopped.

Evan just stood and stared. What was he supposed to do? Connor was clearly distraught, but Evan didn’t know how to comfort anyone. He just stared. He knew it was the wrong thing to do, but he didn’t know what else he should do.

The crying stopped eventually and Connor turned to look at Evan. Evan still didn’t look away. It was awkward, but he couldn’t look away from the tear-stained face from the kid Evan, along with everyone else at school, thought never felt sorrow or pain enough to cry.

Connor sighed and then spoke, “How did your date go with Zoe?”

Evan stared at him for a moment, trying to remember if he had actually gone on a date with Zoe. Life before entering the bathroom with Connor seemed like someone else’s life at this point.

“For lack of something else to talk about,” Connor added, looking to the door of the cell.

Evan sat down, hoping that would make his staring seem less awful.

“Um, well, uh,” Evan stalled while he tried to remember the date. “It was alright, I, uh, it was too loud and the movie was too intense. I had forgotten how much louder it is in theatres and you can’t turn the volume down and—“

“Really, you’re talking about the movie?”

“Isn’t that what you asked me about?”

“I asked about the date. How did you feel going to the movie with Zoe? Did you enjoy your time with her? Are you going to ask her out again?”



I don’t know how I can explain this

It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t her

But I was just the same.

Speaking to her was just as hard as it was in school

My hands were wringing my shirt



I don’t think I’m made for dating

I don’t know if I can ever get over my anxiety

I like her a lot, but it will never be normal

I wish I were normal

I wish I were normal

I wish I were normal and more of what someone would want in a boyfriend.”



“It couldn’t have been that bad, she was happy when she got home.”

“What did she say about our date?”

“We didn’t talk about that. I just saw her when she got home, when her demeanor completely changed when she asked, ‘are you high, Connor?’”

“Were you high?”

“On pot, not heroin. I’m going to stay clean from that from here on out.”



Why do you feel the need to turn to pot?”



“I’m not answering this.”

Evan stared at him and Connor relented.



“Fine, but I’m not right in the head and there’s nothing anyone can do.”

Have you tried therapy?”

Therapy and meds,

Rehabs and special summer camps,

Each one failed to help at all.



“I forgot to mention the yoga. That was terrible.”

“But how long did you try each of those before discovering that they didn’t work?”

“Varied, I knew yoga wasn’t for me within the first hour. Usually knew within a month.”

”You don’t think it would have worked if you stuck with it longer?”

“Do you think it will work if it doesn’t work in the first month?”

“My mom and therapist say it takes time for it to work.”

“Sounds like my dad, except for when it came to these things.”

“You don’t think it will work?” Evan asked, worried that he would never improve.

“Your guess is as good as mine,



I don’t have a map,

I don’t know how my story is going to end.

But if it’s anything like it’s been,

Things are never going to change.”



Is there a map?

Does anyone have a clue?

Or is it just us

Who don’t know what to do?”



Is there even a map?

Is there even a way to know what will become of us?

I didn’t mean to end up in jail,

But I just can’t do anything right.



So where’s the end?” -Connor

I wish I had a clue.” –Evan (slight overlap with Connor’s line)

Cause life is rather hard.



And I’m fucking everyone up as I--” -Connor



“No. We’re flying blind.” --Evan

We’re flying blind.”

We’re flying blind

And making all the mistakes as we go

As we go.



While being locked up was not anything Evan ever expected to happen in his life, he was glad that he was locked up with Connor. They had an understanding that Evan never felt with anyone else in his life. He supposed that was what real friends had.

 

Chapter 13: There've Been Rumors

Chapter Text

September 17-18, 2018

It was almost seven when the officer opened the door to their holding cell.

“Both of you, get out,” she commanded.

Connor and Evan exchanged a nervous glance before exiting the room. They went to the desk where all of their belongings were returned and then brought to the lobby where Connor’s dad was waiting for them.

“Come on,” dad said, motioning them to follow him. “We will talk outside.”

Connor nodded for Evan to lead the way. There was no way he was going to leave Evan since he was the reason Evan was dragged into all of this.

“I’m glad to see no one came to pick you up yet,” dad said to Evan once they made it outside. “These officers would have tried to make your parents pay bail even though you weren’t charged with a crime. They are criminals.”

Connor shifted nervously. He realized he hadn’t asked Evan about his phone call and what his parents had said while they were waiting. What if Evan hadn’t been able to speak during his one phone call because of his anxiety? He hadn’t bothered to ask.

“But don’t worry, you both passed your drug test and nothing was found in either of your possessions dealing with drugs. I had a serious talk with the chief of police about arresting students on an offhanded remark from another student. I threatened to press wrongful arrest charges if they didn’t expunge the arrest from their records.”

“What does that even mean?” Connor asked darkly. The presence of his father darkened his already dark mood from being in jail.

“It means we can all go home and pretend this arrest never happened. You don’t have to put it down on your work applications because it legally never happened. Now let’s get home, Connor,” dad said, leading the way to his car.

Connor didn’t follow. He looked to Evan who was wringing his hands in his shirt. He had no idea what Evan’s home life was like and it just hit him that Evan might not be from a family like Connor’s. His parents might not have cars or they might work evenings, hell, he might even live with his grandparents.

“You can come with us,” Connor said. “We’ll give you a ride home.”

“No,” Evan said hastily before adding, “Sorry, no, um, I’ll be fine. I’ll just take a bus. Sorry, I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Dude, I’m the reason why you were arrested. I’m the one that fu—messed everything up. Come on, if my dad gives you grief, I’ll give it right back.”

“Grief?” Evan replied, eyes going wide with fear.

“Only because you are associated with me at this point,” Connor said. “If you were with Zoe, this wouldn’t be a problem. Come on.”

Connor watched to make sure that Evan followed him, albeit his steps were small and nervous, could you even say that about footsteps? They made it to the car and Connor opened the passenger’s seat door for Evan. Of course Evan didn’t realize it was for him and reached for the back door.

“Evan,” Connor hissed, pointing to the front seat before Evan could open the back door.

It seemed to hit a nerve because Evan blushed and rushed to the front seat with a quiet, “Sorry.”

Connor rolled his eyes and hopped into the back, making sure to slide all the way over to be out of view from his father. He could tell his father wasn’t happy with Evan in the car, but he would deal with that later.

His father looked to Evan and then to Connor before eventually turning on the car.

“Where do you live?” Dad asked Evan. He didn’t have to be filled in as to why Evan was with them. It was obvious.

“Um, in a neighborhood west of Ellison park,” Evan said rather smoothly. Connor was impressed with how easily Evan was speaking to Connor’s father. He had expected him to be more nervous around the father of the girl he was trying to date.

“What’s your name?” Dad asked Evan as he began driving towards the park.

“Evan—Evan Hansen.”

“I’m Larry Murphy, JD. I’m a lawyer for Murphy and Associates. Here’s my card if you or a family member ever need legal assistance in the future,” Dad said, pulling a card from his pocket and handing it to Evan at a stoplight.

“Dad!” Connor complained. “That’s not appropriate!”

“Of course it is, he’s experienced my services gratis today. He might as well know he can call on me if he ever needs my help more formally.”

The car went to terse silence except for when Evan gave directions.

When they pulled out of the driveway after dropping Evan off, dad broke the silence once more.

“I never thought I would end up proud after hearing that you got arrested,” he said.

Connor leaned over to look in the rear view mirror to see if his father was really being serious.

“You passed a drug test,” dad continued. “Not even marijuana in your system. I’ll have to speak with your mother, but I think you will be getting your computer and phone and privileges back. I hope you will keep up being sober and that your effort in school will start picking up. It’s only a matter of time and then you might actually be able to do something with your life.”

Connor rolled his eyes as he went back into his seat. Of course his father would think that him not being high was Connor becoming better, not because he was numb out of his mind and couldn’t get himself to do anything. Now he was hoping that Connor would actually do well in school and become something. What was his father smoking?

When they got home, mom had already cleaned up after dinner. There was a plate for both Connor and dad, but Connor didn’t feel like eating. He went upstairs to his room. He was about to throw himself on his bed to figure out how he felt about everything that happened today when he realized someone was already on his bed.

“Evan Hansen,” Zoe said, finishing a text on her phone before looking up at Connor. “I told you to stay away from him.”

“I can’t help it if he walks in on me in the bathroom,” Connor protested.



There’ve been rumors that you’ve been having lunch together.”



“Lies,” Connor lied.



There’ve been rumors that you’re dating a boy.”



“Why are you taking rumors as facts? I’m not.”



I don’t think today was a coincidence

Not after reading your emails with Evan…”



“What the hell! Those are private!”



It tells me that you’ve been interfering

Even though I’ve told you not to.

It was an intense lunch fearing

The trouble you were getting Evan into.



Stay away from Evan Hansen.

He is a pure innocent angel,

I’m not going to warn you again.

I can make your life hell.”



“My life is already hell. And honestly, he just walked in on me,” Connor said, but she glared at him. “Alright! I was about to shoot up with heroin, but I didn’t because he walked in.”



At school tell them he saved you

At home the story is you saved him.”



“But then I won’t be allowed to see him!”

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

“CONNOR, PLEASE COME DOWNSTAIRS TO TALK WITH US!” Mom’s voice hollered from downstairs.

“Don’t contradict my story,” Zoe said.

“But how is that going to work when you start dating him?!”

“You’ll see.”

Connor decided to go with the flow instead of fighting Zoe because his father did sound like he wanted to unground Connor and Connor didn’t want to mess up that chance. It would be nice to have his phone back, maybe Evan would text him.

When he went downstairs, he felt like he was walking into some crime novel scene. His father was sitting in his chair and his mother was standing behind him with her arms on the back of the chair.



Connor, we are glad to see

Things are beginning to change with you.” Dad began.

We’ve talked and we both agree

That ungrounding you should help with school.”



They gestured to Connor’s laptop and IPhone on his father’s desk. Was this for real? Was he really getting his phone AND computer back?



There’s one thing that we’re worried about,

Your friend David Hansen.

He is an evil influence on you.

We don’t want something like this to happen again

Please avoid him and meet someone new.”



So that was Zoe’s ploy. His evil friend was David and her future boyfriend was Evan. He could play this game.



Life isn’t easy,

Every second that you spend with friends, makes a difference on you

You need better friends and to do better in school

So here are some tools to help you do those things.



Stay away from David Hansen

He’s an evil influence on you.

We don’t want you to fall into drugs again.

Make new friends, we believe in you.”

 

“Can you do that for us, sweetie?” Mom asked, holding out his IPhone.

“Yeah,” Connor replied. “I can avoid David Hansen.”

“We’re proud of you son. I’ll think about a better reward system if this helps,” dad said.

Connor stopped himself before he rolled his eyes. He knew his father’s version of a reward would be a ticket to the World Series, nothing that Connor would ever care about. He took his phone back and then picked up his laptop.

“Uh, thanks,” Connor said, before leaving his parents in the study.



Connor didn’t know what he was thinking when he checked social media and his phone. The only notification he had was a spam post that he was tagged in by some bot. It was like he was expecting Evan to reach out to the kid who blackmailed him into having lunch with him or for Evan to text back? He really needed to delete Evan’s suicide note and end the deal, but he needed to wait until Evan was present so he knew it wasn’t a trick.

Even though he had expected this, he felt depressed. Even though he had his computer back, all he did was read Evan’s suicide note over and over again, as if he was hoping for some clarification on how to help him.

He was so depressed by the next day of school that he got high before heading to his first period. He knew passing the drug test was the only reason he got his phone and computer back, but he couldn’t face today without it. He was going to be known as the kid who got sweet, innocent Evan Hansen arrested and people would give him grief and he needed to not get into any more fights.

He skipped the class before lunch to get high before facing Evan. He began making his way to Evan and his lunch spot right after the first bell rang. His phone buzzed right after the second bell.



Zoe: Don’t have lunch with Evan. I’ll be watching.



Fuck. Evan was likely waiting for him because he was being blackmailed into having lunch with Connor and would likely hyperventilate if Connor didn’t show up without warning. He couldn’t leave Evan hanging, but he also knew that yesterday’s stash of pot was missing from his backpack and that Zoe was likely saving it for the perfect moment to get Connor in trouble. What should he do?

Skip the rest of school? His parents would be upset and might ground him from his phone, but then Evan wouldn’t see him the rest of the day and know it wasn’t him…but he would still worry throughout lunch. But if Connor went to Evan, Zoe would catch them and then Zoe would turn their parents against him faster than he could manage to soothe Evan into dating Zoe. Why was life so difficult?

He realized he was on the stairs above the eating spot with Evan and stopped. He had almost walked to Evan without realizing it. Obviously he wanted to be with Evan, but he couldn’t and Evan would be better off without him. Connor just needed to get the blackmail issue behind them and get on with life.

Game plan. Talk to Evan and show that he deleted the letter from the first day and release him from the deal, then he would disappear to the woods again until he felt like he could deal with school again or it was over and time to go home.

He took a deep breath. He could do this. He pulled out his phone to get the blackmail deal over with as quickly as possible. It was time to free Evan from his tyranny.

He finished going down the steps and turned to go under the stairs and saw a crying Evan.

“Fuck,” Connor hoped he only thought that, but then he heard it echo in the empty halls.

Evan returned a facial expression that seemed to return the same sentiment. He had clearly not been planning on getting caught crying, which meant he had already given up on Connor showing up within the first few minutes. Connor’s heart broke at that realization and at the realization that Evan was hurting and Connor had no clue how to help.

He heard a door open and footsteps that sounded like his sister. She was coming. He was fucked.

He handed his phone to Evan and then ran.

Chapter 14: Dot Your i's

Chapter Text

September 18, 2018

Evan stood there staring at Connor’s back as he ran away. Was he supposed to follow in order to keep up his end of the deal? Was he supposed to wait while Connor went to grab something quickly?

“Hey, loser,” Jared greeted and Evan realized he had just been standing there staring at the empty hallway like a freak. “Got a new phone?”

Evan looked down to where Jared was looking and saw Connor’s IPhone in his hand. There was no way he could tell the truth about how he ended up with it, Jared wouldn’t believe it. Honestly, Evan had no idea why he had it either.

“Um, yeah, this weekend,” Evan lied. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep it though.”

“Yeah, not after yesterday,” Jared said.

Evan looked at him nervously.

“The news got around pretty quick, Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen got arrested yesterday for possessing drugs,” Jared explained. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I just—I just,” Evan wasn’t sure what to say. He tried to think quickly. Best lies included mostly truths, right? “I walked in the bathroom and, um, uh, he was there and, um, I just, I—I was an idiot. I thought it was a health thing, not a drug thing...I just—I don’t know. Sorry.”

“Really, you thought Connor was diabetic and not doing drugs?” Jared said, laughing loudly. “What should I have expected? He got you to let him sign your cast too. You’re pathetic.”

“Sorry, I know,” Evans replied.

“How long are you grounded?” Jared asked.

“Uh, um, until further notice?” Evan lied, hoping it didn’t sound too weird.

“Shit.”

Evan suddenly remembered the project he was supposed to do with Jared. He couldn’t bail out on Jared, he promised. “Sorry, I mean, if we do the background thing after school and you don’t tell your mom, my mom won’t find out. I don’t want to back out on you.”

“Double shit,” Jared replied. “I totally forgot about that. I’ve got meetings to work on APUSH. Oh man, and holy cow! You just offered to break rules!”

“Sorry,” Evan said, blushing. He realized that he was going to get caught in his lie for a personality change.

“No, don’t be sorry, this is awesome! Oh man, Evan, are we going to find a use for that, but first, do you mind finishing the background on your own? It has to be done within the week.”

“Um, I, uh, um, okay.”

“Thank you,” Jared said, grabbing Evan’s elbows. “Thank you so much. You are a lifesaver and I will make sure that you get all the credit with Zoe. What time is it?”

Jared reached for the phone in Evan’s hand and pressed a button so it would display the time. Evan’s heart beat increased rapidly. What would Connor have as a background? Would it be something so obvious that Jared would know that Evan was holding Connor’s phone?

It lit up and displayed a picture of hearts drawn on paper. Evan recognized those hearts, they were like the ones that Zoe drew on her jeans with anywhere from three to twelve points.

“What type of a background is that?” Jared asked.

“Zoe,” Evan lied quickly. “She draws these stars and, and, I like them, so I got a picture of them, and that sounds really bad and--”

“Wow, she’s replacing your tree fetish,” Jared said, handing the phone back. “When are you asking her out again?”

Evan froze. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Things hadn’t gone the most smooth on the date, he wasn’t sure if she would like to go on--

“Chillax, Evan,” Jared said, putting his hand on his shoulder. “First dates are awkward. You get over it. If she keeps agreeing to go on dates, you keep going on dates and eventually it becomes natural.”

Evan nodded because that was the only logical response.

“Awesome, we can work on a plan for date two later, right now I’m supposed to meet my partner for an English presentation later today to throw something together,” Jared turned to go and then turned back to say, “Oh, um, tell your mom to tell my mom I’m being friendly. She was on my case about it over summer, but I was at camp and you were doing the Jr. Ranger thing. It’s just--”

“I will,” Evan said, then he realized he cut Jared off. “Sorry.”

“See ya!”

Jared left Evan and Evan realized he hadn’t moved since Connor shoved his phone in his hand and run off. He had no idea where Connor had run off to or why he had left his phone with him, but he figured he might as well figure it out. He turned to pick up his backpack and then when he turned back, Alana was standing in front of him.

“Evan,” she said.

“Um, hi.”

“You missed the homecoming committee meeting yesterday.”

Evan felt the color rise in his cheeks. “Oh, um, I’m sorry, I—“

“Everyone was saying you got arrested, but I don’t believe that.”

“Um, well, it’s, uh—“

“Really? You got arrested with Connor for possessing drugs? I didn’t think you were like that Evan.”

“I’m not! I, um, it was just,” Evan struggled to say something and so he fell back on the lie he told Jared. “I thought it was a health thing, not a drug thing.”

“You need to be more careful, Evan. Things like this are going to affect the rest of your life.”

Evan tried not to let his mind race at the suggestion. He knew everything affected the rest of his life and he was trying so hard to do the right things, but he just couldn’t. He wasn’t sure he wanted the life he had built for himself with all of his previous foolish decisions, one being printing off his therapy letter in the computer lab on the first day.



Dot your I’s and cross your T’s (hint at backstory of Alana and Connor)

Step here and step there

Study now and later

Improve your resume and

Don’t forget to eat the right things



Take the right classes

Do service to your community

Keep your heart in the game

While not being an omelette



Homecoming committee meetings

Are better to be in than jail

The path is yours to choose

Please don’t fail



Watch your step

Don’t forget to cross your t’s

Or else you will be in jail

And not curing cancer



“Um, thanks Alana,” Evan said, not sure how to tell her that he didn’t consciously choose to end up in jail and that it just kinda happened. “Wh-when’s the next meeting?”

“Next Monday,” she replied. “But I really missed your input on the theme for the dance and spirit week, but it’s too late. Here, let me give you my number so next time you can let me know if you are going to be in jail instead of at my homecoming committee meeting.”

She took Connor’s phone from Evan’s hand and typed her phone number in to send herself a text. Then she handed the phone back to Evan.

“See you later, Evan!” She called as she headed towards the library.

Evan sighed and leaned back against the wall. He could feel his stress levels mount, but right now it felt like he was watching a meter. Connor was acting weird since he got suspended, and Evan didn’t know what he needed to do in order to keep him from posting the letter or telling everyone he had been in suicide watch. And then he had agreed to help Jared, but Jared bailed and now he had to do the project thing all by himself. Then he agreed to help Alana and failed and still had to help her next week for homecoming and he knew nothing about it. And now he had Connor’s IPhone which was likely more expensive than his mom’s car and he didn’t know why and was super worried about dropping it or breaking it or Connor flipping out because he had it. Getting arrested and his mother ignoring him really set the tone for a sucky week. He wasn’t sure he wanted to survive it.

Evan put Connor’s phone in his pocket so it wouldn’t get crushed, destroyed, or stolen from his backpack. He needed to find Connor and give it back and then figure out what Connor expected from him. Once he checked one more time to make sure he got all of his things, he left his spot under the stairs.

“Evan!”

Evan turned and saw Zoe coming towards him. He felt the color rise in his cheeks. He wasn’t sure why she was coming to talk to him after the disaster of their date. He smiled at her.

“How are you?”

“Um, good,” Evan replied. Small talk, he can do small talk properly. “And you?”

“Are you sure? I mean, I’m doing great, thanks.”

Evan nodded, unsure where to go from here. He could feel the stress he was watching earlier rise the longer he stood in silence with Zoe. He was messing up and making Zoe miserable, which increased the stress of the rest of the things he was worried about.

“What are you doing this weekend?”

Evan felt like the ground fell from underneath his feet. He was not ready for another round of trying to figure out how to talk with Zoe. He needed more time to prepare, he needed more social skills than he had, he needed a way to postpone this without getting weird. Then he remembered the lie he told Jared.

“Um, I’m grounded, actually,” Evan said, looking at his feet in hopes that Zoe wouldn’t see through his lie.

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” Zoe said. “I should have expected that. I’m sorry that my brother got you in trouble.”

Evan shrugged.

“How did that even happen anyway? When did he sign your cast?”

Evan balked. He hadn’t expected that question.

“Um, it happened, um,” Evan remembered the day Connor signed his cast clearly because he regretted printing his letter in the lab, but he had to be sure not to say anything that would make Zoe realize what really happened. “The first day, um, I, uh, I, think he meant to apologize, but, um, it, uh--”

“Didn’t go so well?”

“Uh, yeah,” Evan replied. “Then the bathroom thing, was, uh, just, I didn’t think it was drugs.”

“Just assume the worst when it comes to my brother,” Zoe said. “Then occasionally you can be pleasantly surprised, but only very occasionally.”

Zoe gave a bit of a laugh and Evan tried to copy it, but it felt odd and weird to be laughing about Connor. He seemed so vulnerable when he cried yesterday. It didn’t seem fair.

“Well, um, I’ll see you around?” Zoe said.

“Yeah, uh, yeah, definitely,” Evan said, nodding.

 

Chapter 15: Printers Can't Do Art

Chapter Text

September 18, 2018

Connor looked around him. He was home. He wasn’t sure how he got there. He smoked way too much weed at lunch, at least he hoped that was all he took. He decided he didn’t want to think too much into that.

He turned to look at his bookshelf, only the books that he needed for school were there. It sucked. There was nothing he could do to escape how terrible he felt. If only he had his laptop or phone…

There was a buzz. It had to be a phantom buzz. He hadn’t had his phone since….spring break? Or did he get it for a few hours after rehab?

He absent mindedly pulled out his phone and looked at it. There was a text from an unknown phone number.



Unknown Phone Number: Sorry to bother you, is this Connor? If it is, Alana accidentally gave me her number on your phone and I forgot to save it. Could you please send the contact to me? I’m sorry, I won’t bother you again.



What?

Connor unlocked his phone and opened the message, realizing this was the second message from the phone number. The first message was a picture of a paper…Evan’s suicide letter. It was still there, Evan didn’t delete it.

He clicked it open and began reading it once more. It was a bad habit. He needed to get rid of the letter for his own sake. He couldn’t believe he ever thought this letter was about him. Was he that high?

Connor reread the text. Alana had given Evan her phone number in Connor’s phone? That didn’t make any sense. He tried to remember what happened today.

He went to school and went to the woods and…smoked pot. He went to a couple of classes and then skipped to smoke pot again. He went to meet Evan so he could delete the letter and release Evan from this terrible deal, but then he didn’t?

What had he actually done? He squinted his eyes and then he remembered. He handed Evan his phone and then ran and smoked even more pot. Evan chased him down and gave him back his phone. His hand had been trembling. Then he fought with Zoe and she kicked him out of the car when they got to their neighborhood and he had to walk the rest of the way home. Wow, he had been really high because he couldn’t remember much else.

Evan. Evan Hansen. What a beautiful name…wait, Evan texted him.

He reread the text. It made sense now that Connor remembered giving his phone to Evan. He searched his contacts for an Alana and sent it to Evan.

The image of Evan’s trembling hand came back to his memory.



Connor: Are you okay?



Connor sent that message before thinking too much about it.



Evan: Thanks!

Evan: Yes, I’m fine.

Connor: So fine you could barely hold my phone?

Evan: I’m sorry! Did I break your phone? Or are you talking about Alana putting her number in your phone?



Connor face palmed himself. He was causing Evan more panic.



Connor: no



He took a deep breath. Why did he even start texting Evan beyond what he asked? He needed to remember that he blackmailed Evan into having lunch with him and then was just helping Evan to date Zoe.

But he was still high and listened to the more impulsive side of his brain.



Connor: Your hand was just shaking. Do I scare you?

Evan: No!

Connor: -_-

Evan: I’m stressed. There’s too much going on. I don’t think I can do it.

Connor: Right.

Evan: Really!

Connor: You know, homework is never *really* mandatory

Evan: Alana was on my case about missing homecoming meeting yesterday and Jared was supposed to help me with a major project and bailed. I don’t know.

Connor: You can bail on both of them too.

Evan: I can’t. I promised.

Connor: Shit. I’m just trying to help. I’m bad at it. I know.

Evan: Am I doing everything I’m supposed to be doing?



Connor looked at his phone. What did that question even mean? Why would Connor know what Evan was supposed to be doing? Was this a school question or an existential question?



Evan: Sorry, that’s a bad question.



That meant Connor didn’t have to figure out what it meant. Good.



Connor: What can I do to help alleviate your stress?



Connor meant that text, but he regretted sending it as soon as it sent. Who talks like that? It was a combination of his parents telling him he had to offer to help whenever he went to someone’s house and something a therapist would say.

Evan already hates you, it’s not big deal if you send him dumb texts…as long as you don’t send him into another panic attack.



Evan: You don’t think you could come and help me with painting a background, do you?

Evan: Never mind, that was dumb. Just ignore that last text. Sorry.



Connor considered listening to Evan’s request about ignoring the request for help but coming and helping Evan seemed like a good excuse to hang out with Evan again.



Connor: What type of background?

Evan: stars



Evan then sent a picture of a paper with the instructions. It seemed possible. An excuse to hang out with Evan. But then he remembered second grade.

Connor, you can’t do that. That’s not what we are supposed to do!” The girl across the table from him censured.

Second grade Connor didn’t care. He continued to draw on the desk with his new pack of sharpies. He was drawing stars.

Connor, we’re going to get in trouble. Stop!”

The stars on the left were different and pretty, the ones on the right were exactly the same. He was about to draw the building in the middle when the girl came over and grabbed the marker from his hand.

Stop!”

No!” Second grade Connor grabbed the marker from her, covering both of their hands and the girl’s face with marker.

He drew the building and was about to label with when the girl grabbed the marker again. They fought harder and shouted at each other. Eventually he made her fall backwards while he still had the marker. He went and finished his drawing by writing school on the building...of course with his second grade spelling skills it read “skool”. He felt it didn’t quite work and he drew and arrow from left to right on both sides of the building.

Connor! What on earth are you doing?!” The teacher exclaimed behind him.

The girl had gotten the teacher when she got up.

Art,” second grade Connor had replied, looking at her with the cheekiest grin he could muster.

We are supposed to be working on printer paper! And not with sharpies! Where did you get those?”

They’re mine,” second grade Connor replied, grabbing them and putting them into their case with his name in block letters on the side. He hugged them close.

That’s not art, that’s vandalism!”

Told you so!” The girl that had been sitting across from him said. “Art goes on printer paper!”

Printers can’t do art!” Second grade Connor had shouted back, getting angry. Connor did remember that his second-grade self thought that art on printer paper meant that the printer made the art, which seemed really strange in juxtaposition to his second grade astute opinion on the school system.

The teacher took his box of sharpies from him in a short struggle. Second grade Connor tried to kick the teacher, ending up flat on his back.

The class laughed. Second grade Connor growled at them. They laughed again.

Grab some printer paper and then come with me,” the teacher said. “We are going to the principal’s office while everyone else returns to class. Line up everyone, Alana, you can be the line leader.”

Even though he was still angry, he made his way to the printer. But then he heard his teacher talk to the other students about him behind his back.

This is abhorrent!” (Not that any of them knew what that word meant, but you could tell it was bad by her tone and the class gasped in unison) “Vandalism mocking this patriotic institution. Connor was very bad. Not only did he use permanent markers on school property, he drew mean art. Class, don’t do this. Stick to your printer papers and markers I provided and —“

PRINTERS CAN’T DO ART!!!!!” Second grade Connor shouted, picking up the printer and throwing it at the teacher, which (with the effort of lifting the printer) he was pretty sure he sounded like “AAARRRGGG!”

Rebellion, shame, and anger coursed through his blood after reliving that memory. And the rumors all said he threw the printer because he wasn’t line-leader. Idiots. They didn’t know anything.

Fuck it. He wanted to hang with Evan. Evan needed help. He was going to do it.



Connor: Do you have any ideas what constellations you want to do?

Evan: constellations?

Connor: I’ll worry about that. When do you want me to help?

Evan: does Saturday work? Around 9?

Connor: send your address, I’ll be there.



Connor’s heart was fluttering. He couldn’t believe it. He was going to hang out with Evan outside of school.



Evan: Thanks

Connor: don’t mention it

Connor: like really don’t mention it because my parents will flip to find out I’m hanging with the guy I got arrested with

Evan: sorry, you don’t have to come.

Connor: dude, I’m coming.

Evan: okay



Evan then sent his address. Connor couldn’t believe it. He was going to hang out with Evan this weekend even though he couldn’t hang with Evan during lunches. Which reminded him…



Connor: I can’t have lunch with you for the rest of this week. I’ll see you Saturday.

Evan: okay



Connor laid back down on his bed. His imagination was running with the possibilities of what could happen this Saturday.

Chapter 16: Making Stars

Chapter Text

September 22, 2018

Evan was up early Saturday to see his mother off to work and then to prepare for Connor’s visit. Mom was excited to hear that Evan was going to have a friend over and she was hoping that she would make it home before he left so she could meet the friend who signed his cast. Evan didn’t expect Connor to stick around that long, in fact he didn’t expect it to go well at all if Connor showed up.

He moved the couches and tables out of the living room and onto the tiled hallway space. Then he laid out the plastic over the carpet that his mom had gotten for this occasion. He laid the posters and paint out. Then he looked at the clock and it wasn’t even eight.

Evan hit a paint brush against his hand. He had been an idiot to invite Connor over, like they were friends or something. It was going to be just as bad if not worse than his date with Zoe. Worse because Connor was more likely to turn violent or get upset over nothing. What was he thinking?

He decided that he wasn’t going to sit around for an hour being anxious. He pulled out his laptop and began watching YouTube videos. He couldn’t pay attention when it was getting close to nine and then it was after nine.

Evan pulled out his phone and contemplated texting Connor to see if he was on his way but then he realized it would be awkward for him to text Connor and then Connor to ring the doorbell. He would look dumb. He couldn’t do that he just had to wait.

When it passed ten, Evan decided that Connor had bailed and he needed to get the painting done on his own. He pulled out the instruction paper and looked it over to see what he should do.

The doorbell rang just as he went to open the paint. He froze. It was likely a solicitor, one of those people they had a sign on their door telling them to not disturb them. Evan took a deep breath. There was no way the solicitor would know someone was home. He went back to open the paint when there was a knock.

Was it Connor? Had Connor actually showed up and not bailed on him?

He opened the door and it was Connor, but he looked different.

“Hi,” Connor said. “I overslept, but I’m here now.”

“What?” Evan asked because his brain hadn’t processed a word that Connor said because he was trying to figure out why Connor looked different.

“I didn’t set an alarm and my parents usually let me sleep in as late as I want on weekends.”

“Oh.”

Evan figured that the difference was that the clothes seemed lighter than his usual and that his hair was up in a bun.

“Couldn’t you have set an alarm on your phone?” Evan asked before covering his mouth. People usually got upset when he asked questions like that.

“‘Cause I—“ Connor paused and felt his pockets until he found his phone and pulled it out. “Oh yeah, I have my phone. I forget I have a phone now. I should’ve texted when I got up.”

“Sorry,” Evan replied.

Connor gave him a weird look.

“Sorry,” Evan said again looking away.

“Is that what you are going to wear to paint?” He asked.

Evan nodded and then felt it wasn’t adequate, “Is it not good?”

Connor shrugged. “We are going to get covered in paint, I just want to make sure you are cool with that getting covered in paint.”

Evan looked over his old pants and shirt. He wore them knowing he was likely to get some paint on things and he never wore them to school anymore because of how ratty they had become. He wasn’t sure his mother wanted him to ruin them, but he was cool with it.

Connor walked past him and into the living room. He pulled a pencil and some rulers out of his backpack and began marking on the posters.

Evan came over and stood and watched, unsure what he should do and not wanting to interrupt because Connor looked very involved in what he was doing. But it was awkward because he was the one who involved Connor in the first place. He stood and fidgeted, unsure what to do.

“Can we listen to music while we do this?” Connor asked, pulling out his phone. “What do you like to listen to?”

“Oh, um, I, um, I just listen to study music on YouTube when I do homework,” Evan said.

“Can I?” Connor said, gesturing at the TV setup.

Evan nodded.

He pulled out some cords and hooked them up to his phone before asking, “What do you want to listen to?”

Evan shrugged. “Whatever you want to listen to is fine.”

Connor turned to his phone, then turned back to Evan and said, “Will you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Tell anyone what?”

“The music I like to listen to,” Connor explained. “If anyone at school found out, I would be even more of a joke at school than I already am.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Evan replied truthfully. He didn’t want more rumors than what he was already suffering through from Monday.

Connor pressed play and went back to work. Organ music began to play. Connor hummed along. He looked happy unlike he ever did at school. Evan sat down, unsure what to do.

Operatic singing started. Evan could see why Connor wouldn’t want people to know he listened to operas. And then a scream made Evan jump.

“It’s a Phantom of the Opera,” Connor explained.

“Oh,” Evan said, not really getting what he meant by that.

“It’s a musical, they talk and do other things too.”

Evan nodded, remembering the school’s production of Cinderella last year.

After a few more minutes, Evan stood up because he was too anxious to sit down because Connor was doing all the work and Evan didn’t know what to do and Connor was in his house which could be a dangerous thing. He had no clue what he was doing.

“Hold on,” Connor said as he pulled the pencil from his mouth to draw another line. “I’m almost done.”

That didn’t stop Evan from pacing.

“Kay,” Connor said standing up and looking at what he done. “Time for painting the stars.”

Evan grabbed the paint and paint brushes and joined Connor. He hit a paint brush against his hand as Connor opened a paint bottle and poured the contents into one of the disposable bowls.

“Are you alright?” Connor asked.

“Sorry, I just, uh, I just, um, I’m really bad at drawing stars. I just don’t want to mess it up.”

“I know,” Connor said with a big smile.

Evan gaped in surprise. Connor gave him a funny look.

“Sorry,” Evan said, looking away.

“No! I, um, I wanted to teach you,” Connor said. He was twirling the paint brush.

“Oh,” Evan said, not sure how to take it.

Connor grabbed the smallest brush and dipped it in the paint. Then he grabbed the hem of Evan’s pants and began painting on them.

Evan didn’t know how to respond to this and just watched as Connor painted stars on his pants. They were the same type of stars Zoe drew on her jeans, the same ones on Connor’s lock screen. They were the stars with different points. Connor was going to teach him how to paint them. He couldn’t help but feel excited. He could show Zoe that he knew how to make them too!

Connor demonstrated them one more time before having Evan try it for himself on Connor’s sleeve. Evan felt embarrassed that his horrible mistakes were going to end up on Connor’s clothes, but he didn’t know how to tell Connor that he would rather practice on paper.

Once Connor was satisfied with a few of Evan’s stars (Evan felt like he needed to practice for several more hours) Connor pointed to the posters and explained the markings. Then they painted the posters.

It was fun with Connor singing along and making faces with the songs as they changed from musical to musical. It only made Evan wish he knew the musicals so he could join in. Regardless, it wasn’t awkward.



“Drying time,” Connor said, standing up. He joined Evan in the kitchen to wash their hands off.

“Thank you,” Evan said. “Really, I couldn’t do this without you.”

“What do you want to do now?” Connor asked as he dried his hands after Evan.

“Oh, uh, um…” Evan said, not expecting Connor to want to hang out once the work was done. “Um, I guess we can sit around and talk?”

“Sure,” Connor said and he led the way to the couch pushed against the wall, facing the wall. He just stepped over the arm, climbed across and sat with his back against the other arm.

Evan tentatively sat on the other arm of the couch, unsure what to say.

“Where are your parents?”

Connor’s question caught Evan off-guard.

“Oh, uh, my mom’s at work. She’ll be back—” Evan consulted the clock on his phone “—within an hour or so. She said she bring dinner and would like to meet...um, to meet you.”

Evan was about to call him his friend, but then he didn’t want the awkwardness of Connor telling him that they weren’t friends. He began fidgeting with his shirt.

“Oh,” Connor replied. “She’s not mad about Monday?”

“Um…”

“She doesn’t know? Did you not call her?”

“I, um, I, uh…”

“Did she not answer?”

Evan stared at Connor in shock. How did he know?

“And then you didn’t tell her when you got home?”

Evan gave a squirm-shrug. He wasn’t sure how to take Connor seeing through him like that.

“I understand,” Connor said. “I’m not going to tell you you have to tell her. What about your dad?”

“My—my dad?”

“Yeah, where’s he?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Evan mostly stood up from the arm of the couch.

“Once again, I understand,” Connor said. “Troubles with dad are something I’m very familiar with.”

“Really?” Evan said, sitting back on the arm of the couch.

“Did you not see the disaster of my dad Monday?”

“He seemed nice…”

“Only because he profiled you as someone who would need a criminal lawyer and so he acted professional, he’s not like that at all.”

“Then what is he like?” Evan said, slipping off the arm and onto the couch.



Aloof, distant, controlling

Hypocritical and always disappointed”



“But he was there? He came and cleared both of our records.”

“That was to clear his own name, same reason I went to rehab instead of jail for heroin earlier.”

“Really? Sorry, I mean, I don’t want to say you are wrong, but, uh, can you give a different example?”



I was twelve when I was learning that I loved musicals

I saved all my money and bought myself a CD

Phantom of the Opera and he took it

When I didn’t do anything wrong



He tells me I’m wrong when I don’t want to go out and play catch

He buys me a glove and thinks it will fix all of that

I tell him I want to see musicals and he sticks up his nose

He acts like there is something wrong with me because I didn’t turn into a mini-him



I know I have problems

I know I cause troubles,

But he won’t even like me if I didn’t.

I’m not who he wants as a son.”



“Well, at least your dad wants to do things with you.”

“Yeah?”



I’ve always been trouble…”



Connor gave him a significant look.

“Well, not like you.



I always struggled in classes

And in trying to make friends

He thought I wasn’t worth the struggle

And left me with my mom



I was only seven

And since then I’ve always feared she would leave me too

Because I’m not worth the time or the attention

Because I’ll never be anything worthwhile”



“I think it is a lot easier to deal with if they aren’t there to tell it to your face.”

“I think it would be nicer to have a dad that wants to do anything with you, even if it isn’t something I am fond of, because then you know that you are worth their time.”

“But not worth getting to know. It’s like he’s forcing me to—you know what, fuck this conversation. Let’s just switch parents.”

“Switch parents?”

“You can go home as me and play catch with my dad. I’m sure he still holds on to that baseball glove he gave me for my twelfth birthday even though I specifically asked for the Phantom of the Opera CD. He’ll pull it out and you can play catch. I’ll stay here with your mom who is too busy to deal with me and give me grief. It’s the perfect arrangement.”

“I don’t think that would work.”

“It’s a joke, Evan. Albiet a lame one, but I’m a bit rusty.”

“Oh…” Evan said as he thought for a moment. “The only problem with the plan is that then I would be Zoe’s brother and that would make things awkward.”

Connor started laughing and then Evan joined in. The joke definitely wasn’t that funny, but they both just kept on laughing. It was new and it was nice.

“Sounds like you guys are having fun,” mom’s voice said.

Evan hadn’t heard her come in through the garage door. He looked over the back of the couch to see her place bags on the table.

“Is Chinese take-out good enough for dinner?”

“It would be excellent,” Connor said, standing on the couch to step off. “I’m starving.”

“Are you Connor?” Mom asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Connor said. He had stopped approaching mom and had his hands behind his back. Was he nervous about meeting mom?

“Good to finally meet you,” Mom said, she extended her hand. “Call me Heidi.”

Evan watched as Connor seemed to shrink as he stepped forward to shake mom’s hand. It was like he got nervous around people too.

“Does, um, does Evan talk much about me?”

Evan could feel the awkwardness descend into the room.

His mother shifted her weight.

Evan began fidgeting with his shirt.

Connor began bouncing on his toes.

“Oh, well, he doesn’t talk much about school and such,” Heidi said, the first to recover. “It’s just I’ve seen your name on his cast and was glad to finally meet you.”

The room went silent once more.

Mom stepped more into the room to approach the living room area.

“You guys did a great job! I bet you worked up an appetite. Let’s eat!”

Chapter 17: Maybe life wasn’t going to be so terrible after all

Chapter Text

September 22, 2018

Connor was on cloud nine when he left the Hansen’s. He opted to walk home because the weather was still nice and the night relatively young. Also, he would then have time to enjoy the high Being with Evan gave him.

There was a skip in his step. Connor tried to keep it subtle, but when he saw an old-fashioned style light post that went out the window.

 


Love Medley (a medley of happy songs eventually moving to original lyrics relating to Connor’s story)

I’m singing in the rain

Just singing in the rain

What a glorious feeling

I’m happy again



I’ll walk down the lane



I could have danced all night

I could have danced all night

And still have begged for more

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I’ve never done before



Wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles...





For the first time, Connor didn’t care if everyone thought he was a fool for having painted stars in silver on his hoodie and was swinging on the light post. He was happy. It was the first time in who knows how long. A high that wasn’t just a numbing to the pain.

But as he reached his neighborhood, the feeling faded. The dread of going home mellowed his mood. He took off his hoodie and draped it over his scarred arm in a way to hide the stars and scars.

He took a deep breath before stepping off the sidewalk and towards his front door. He opened and closed the door as quietly as possible and made it to his room. He made it to his room without notice by anyone. He closed his door.

“Mom! Dad! Connor’s home!” Zoe shouted.

Connor stopped himself from cursing at her. He wasn’t grounded. He wouldn’t be in trouble. He threw himself onto his bed and looked at the stars Evan had painted onto his hoodie.

“Connor! Come downstairs now!” Dad shouted.

Evan, it was the one thing that kept him from flipping at dad about not needing to come down because there was no reason for him to come down. He wasn’t grounded. He could go where he pleased.

He stashed the painted hoodie between the bed frame and the mattress and then grabbed a paint-free hoodie. He stuck his tongue out at Zoe who was watching him as he went downstairs.

Mom was at the sink and father was reading something at the kitchen table.

“Where have you been, Connor?” Mom asked, putting a plate into the dishwasher.

“Just went to the park,” Connor lied.

“Hanging with any friends?”

“I don’t have friends,” Connor replied. Could Evan even count as a friend?

“What do you consider that Hansen kid?”

“Obviously not a friend,” Connor replied, it was a little short but he tried to leave it at that.

“Did you want me to warm up some dinner?”

“No, I stopped somewhere to eat before coming home.”

“Alone?”

“Are you trying to emphasize the point that I’m a loner with no friends?”

“Oh, no, um, did you have a good day?”

Connor couldn’t help but let a small smile sneak onto his face.

“I’m glad it was a good day,” mom said, smiling knowingly.

Connor rolled his eyes, but his face was still smiling against his will. He enjoyed hanging out with Evan but it was definitely ruining his reputation with his family.

“I’m glad,” mom said, stopping midway of putting a cup into the dishwasher. “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

“Mom,” Connor complained.

“Alright, go sulk in your room,” she said, getting back to doing the dishes.

Connor gave a nervous glance to his dad before slipping away to go back to his room.

“What drugs are you on this time to be in such a great mood?” Zoe harassed from her bedroom as he passed.

Connor flipped her off, but she got up and followed him to his room.

“You didn’t do anything to Evan, did you?” She asked.

“Fuck off, Zoe,” Connor said in a more conversational tone than usual.



Stay away from Evan Hansen.

He is a pure innocent angel,

I’m not going to warn you again.

I can make your life hell.”



“I wasn’t with Evan.”

“So what did you do?”

“I told mom and dad, why do I have to tell you?”

“Did you go on a date?”

“No!” Connor replied hastily, but he felt the heat rise in his face. He really wished it had been a date.

“OMG!” Zoe exclaimed. “I can’t believe it! What girl would go out with you?!”

“Fuck off!” Connor said a little more forcibly than before. He grabbed his door and tried to close it.

“Chill. I’m not going to spread a rumor or anything, but maybe Evan and I could double with you when you and your girl go official.”

It was a drain on Connor’s happiness.

“Leave me alone,” he said, hoping Zoe didn’t catch how her mentioning her and Evan changed everything for him.

“No, come on, tell me all about it!”

Connor’s phone buzzes in his pocket.

“That’s her! I can’t believe it! Nobody ever texts you and now you have a girl! It’s so sweet!”

“Shove off!” Connor said, returning to his aggressive self.

“Fine, I’m too optimistic that this girl is going to change you. Whatever,” Zoe retorted, retreating back to her room. Then she hollered, “Mom! Dad! Connor lied! He spent all day with a girl!”

Connor closed the door and then sunk to the floor with a groan, his energy completely drained. He wasn’t going to argue because then it would keep mom and dad off his back about Evan, but it was pretty close to the truth.

“He’s gonna get himself a girlfriend!” Zoe shouted; Connor knew she was trying to annoy him.

He blocked out the shouted conversation between Zoe and his parents. He needed to reassess his life. He was so happy leaving Evan’s house because it felt like there was something when he knew it was nothing. Why was he so pathetic? They weren’t even real friends.

He remembered his phone had buzzed. In hopes that is was Evan, Connor pulled out his phone to see that it was Evan who had texted. His heart pounded as he opened the message.



Evan: Thanks for all your help today. Sorry for dragging you into such a big project, but I couldn’t have done it without you.

Connor: You have nothing to apologize for, I had a great time. It’s was like we were actually friends or something.

Evan: I think of you as a friend.



Connor was surprised. Had he actually managed to become Evan’s friend after all the hell he put him through? Had he actually succeeded in making a friend?



Evan: Sorry, that’s really weird. You don’t think we are friends. I don’t mean to make it weird. You don’t have to be my friend. Sorry for saying that.

Connor: No, I’ll consider you a friend if you consider me a friend. No need to apologize for thinking that. I’m just surprised that you consider us friends.

Evan: I’m sorry, we don’t have to be friends.

Connor: Dude, don’t apologize. We’re friends.

Evan: Ok, sorry for making this so awkward.

Connor: I’m never going to get you to stop saying sorry, am I?

Evan: Sorry. It’s hard not to.

Connor: That’s fine. I accept your apology.

Evan: Okay



Connor’s heart was fluttering. Here he was having a text conversation with his crush after spending the day with him. On top of that, he even considered him as his friend. This had to be the best day he’s had in years, if not his life.

His phone buzzed once more, but this time it wasn’t from Evan.



Alana: I have a random question for you since you weren’t in on Monday. Everyone has been telling me to do punch for Homecoming, but I’m afraid people will spike it. I want to just do water so people will be hydrated and so it can’t be spiked. Am I just being paranoid or is that a real concern?



Connor never got texts from random people. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he was in a good mood. He decided it wouldn’t be horrible to respond.



Connor: You aren’t being paranoid, but what would stop them from spiking the water?

Alana: Excellent point. I never thought of that before. Thank you for responding.

Connor: No problem.



Part of Connor wanted to ask her why she was asking him of all people. He didn’t think Alana was someone who would want his advice on things, but he felt that he shouldn’t push his luck today.

Speaking of pushing his luck, Connor opened up Evan’s contact. He knew if Zoe got suspicious she would check his phone and he didn’t want her to stop him from texting Evan. However, Zoe was responsible for this idea as well. He changed Evan’s name to Karen. He would know who he was talking to, but Zoe wouldn’t think it was Evan.

Maybe life wasn’t going to be so terrible after all.



Chapter 18: Are We Friends?

Chapter Text

September 24-26, 2018

Evan paced outside the school building after being dropped off. He wasn’t ready to go back to school. He felt an ominous pressure about hanging with Connor over the weekend. He was sure he upset Connor in some way about telling him he felt they were friends and then he was going to release the letter or tell everyone about being under suicide watch. Or worse, Connor took it and was telling people and then he would have to face Jared about hiding his friendship with Connor.

But was it really friendship if Connor still held the letter over his head?

He really didn’t want to face the school day but the pressure of teachers and missing assignments and he knew that Alana wouldn’t let him live down a second missed homecoming committee meeting. He had to face the day like he did every day. He could do this.

“Evan?”

Evan looked up to see Connor coming out of the woodlot/thicket of trees on school grounds. He froze, not sure how this interaction was going to go.

“Um, hi,” Connor said, waving.

“Hi,” Evan replied, not meeting Connor’s eyes.

“Um,” Connor stalled, kicking at the dirt. “What event was the background for? Maybe we could—I mean, what was it for? We should…I want to see our artwork in use.”

“Oh,” Evan said, shuffling his feet in the dirt. “Um, it’s for the jazz band concert.”

“Fuck.”

Evan looked up in confusion.

“Never mind, pretend this conversation never happened.”

Connor turned around to head back into the woodlot/thicket.

“Wait,” Evan said, the ease and comfort of being with Connor this weekend stopped his anxiety and allowed him to speak his mind.



EVAN

Are we friends?

We painted and laughed and sang,

But do we really trust each other?

What does it mean to be a friend?

I don’t have a clue, but I hope to understand



CONNOR

I’m not a standard of what it means to be a friend

I can really only pretend

I get you in trouble and hurt you

I wish I were better, but this all I am



Now is the wrong time to discuss this

I can’t be seen with you at school



EVAN

Are we friends if we don’t see each other at school?



CONNOR

We can see each other out of school



EVAN

Are we friends if we know so little about each other?



CONNOR

That’s something that we can work to change



EVAN

Can we be friends if you are holding my letter over my head?



The world froze. Evan couldn’t believe he just asked Connor that. They weren’t friends. Connor was going to release the letter for sure now.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said. “I shouldn’t have said anything. That was dumb. What do I need to do to keep you from releasing it since we aren’t having lunch together anymore?”



CONNOR

No, you’re right

I never should have taken that letter

I’m sorry I took it to heart

I’ve been meaning to delete it



Connor pulled out his phone. Evan couldn’t believe it. He went over and watched as Connor opened the messages and the picture of his letter.



CONNOR

I never mean to make such a mess

I never thought that you felt this way

I just stand here sorry, hoping you will forgive me

I should’ve realized that you broke—



Connor stopped when the doors to the school swung open and some freshman came out, but he was holding Evan’s cast. Connor immediately dropped it and took a stride to the woodlot/thicket, but Evan caught his arm.

“But we’re friends?” Evan asked.

Connor smiled and said, “Yeah.”

Evan let go and Connor raced back into the woodlot/thicket. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to talk to Connor or even why he had been so bold as to ask Connor to delete the letter, but he was glad. The letter was gone, deleted. Even better, Connor was a friend. He still wasn’t sure what that meant, but it was good.

That feeling gave Evan the courage to face school. He went inside and headed to his locker as the first warning bell rang.

“There you are,” Jared said, joining Evan at his locker. “How’s the background coming?”

“Oh,” Evan said putting his unneeded books in his locker, “I finished it this weekend.”

“All by yourself?” Jared asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” Evan lied to his shoes, his hands fidgeting with his shirt. “It took most of the weekend.”

“Wow, I’m impressed. I’ll make sure Zoe knows it was all you. Speaking of which, when are you ungrounded? Shall we be planning your next date with her?”

“Uh, yeah,” Evan said, picking up his backpack and closing his locker.

“You’re ungrounded? Sweet!” Jared said. “I’ll pick you and the background up Wednesday morning, then when we set it up after school I will help you prepare to ask Zoe out on the next date. Can you do that?”

“Uh, yeah,” Evan said, making his way towards his first class.

“That’s my man,” Jared said, patting Evan on the back. “See you Wednesday.”

Jared went off to his first class. Evan took a deep breath, hoping to survive another day.



Evan went to the room at the back of the library that Alana had told him to go. The meeting hadn’t started, which meant less stress in entering and finding a seat that would be as unnoticeable as one could get around the table. But that didn’t keep him out of notice of Alana who came and sat next to him.

“Thanks for showing up today,” she said. “I’m excited to have more of your input.”

Evan smiled, unsure when he had given input previously, but he didn’t want to start a conversation that everyone else would listen to because everyone else was just sitting quietly.

“We’re going to vote on flyer designs and venue. The budget was already divided up by the financial sponsor for homecoming, so we don’t have to worry about how that will impact the budget, it will just be about how much we like the venue.”

Evan nodded, uncomfortable with Alana talking at him with everyone else staring.

“Of course the venue will impact how we spend out decorating budget because if it is a bland venue we will have to—“

“Alana,” the sponsoring teacher said from the door. “Can we speak for a few minutes before the meeting?”

“Of course!” Alana said, jumping up from her chair.

By the time she returned, the chairs next to Evan had been filled and she took her spot at the head of the table. It wasn’t terrible except when Alana called on him because he wouldn’t raise his hand on his own. Luckily the last discussion was a blind vote. Then the meeting was over and Evan felt relieved to finally be done.

When he went home, he found a note from his mother reminding him to work on his next letter and to get food because she wouldn’t be home until after his bedtime. Well, he survived.

His phone buzzed with a message from Connor. He supposed it couldn’t be too bad since he had a real friend now, which also gave him something to write for Dr. Sherman.



“Wow,” Jared said, unrolling the posters Wednesday after school in the school auditorium. “These are amazing!”

“Thanks,” Evan said, pulling off rubber bands off the other posters. It seemed to have been the wrong way to transport them, but he hadn’t wanted to fight Jared more on it this morning. But it was going to make it really difficult to get them to stay up.

“Is there a certain way you want to put them up?” Jared asked, starting to lay out the posters against the back of the stage. They didn’t stayed laid out very well, they kept rolling up. It was frustrating Evan. They had been lying flat since he and Connor finished them Saturday to prevent this.

“Um, yeah,” Evan said, pulling out the notecard Connor left him with the layout. “By number.”

He handed the card to Jared when Evan’s phone buzzed. He pulled it out to see a new message from Connor.



Connor: I see you ;)



Evan looked up from his phone to the seats and saw Connor sitting in the back row. It felt nice to see that Connor was supporting him even though they couldn’t be seen together at school. Evan hadn’t gotten around to asking why Connor didn’t want to be seen with Evan at school, but he didn’t mind because then Jared wouldn’t find out.

“What are you looking at?” Jared asked, looking out at the seats. He tensed when he spotted Connor. “What’s he doing here?”

Evan shrugged, cowering a little in case Jared figured out that Connor had helped him since Jared had bailed.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let him get near you,” Jared said, patting Evan on the back. “I won’t let him get you in jail again and I definitely won’t let him hurt you.”

Evan nodded and got back to work getting the posters up. They ended up having to get sticks to tape to the back to keep them from curling up. His phone buzzed and if it hadn’t have been awkward silence between him and Jared, he wouldn’t have checked. But he wanted to feel normal and Connor made him feel like a regular kid with friends. He had almost sent him pictures of trees, but then he remembered what happened when he did that to Jared and he didn’t want Connor to stop wanting to be his friend.



Connor: Posters 6 and 9 are switched.

Evan: Sorry.

Connor: Apology accepted, even though it was my mistake. I should’ve put lines under the numbers like they do.

Evan: Okay



Evan stepped back to look at the posters so that Jared wouldn’t catch him in his lie about no one helping. He then pulled poster six and nine down and swapped their positions. Jared was staring at him and it made him really uncomfortable because it felt like he could see the truth.

“Um, I, uh, I just noticed they were switched, sorry,” Evan said.

“Your work or art,” Jared said, shrugging. “But let’s finish up and go get something to eat. While we’re eating I’ll prepare you to ask Zoe out for date number two.”

Evan nodded.

Chapter 19: There’s a pathway in the park That needs to be burned

Summary:

TW: Self-Harm

Chapter Text

September 26, 2018

Connor had no idea what he was doing sitting in the school auditorium while Evan was setting up. Well, it was more why he let that part of his brain take precedence over the rational part of his brain. Evan was his new drug. He wanted to talk to him, to see him, to be with him as much as he could. It was dumb, foolish, and risky. The moment Zoe found out, he would lose his phone and be Evan-less.

But Evan was so cute setting up all the posters and he had made a mistake that Connor was able to catch...but then they left and the high of watching Evan wore off while Connor sat in the auditorium alone.

Why was he doing this to himself? It was obvious that they weren’t meant to be, what with Evan being straight and having the hots for his sister. Besides, the high rarely lasted outside of seeing and watching Evan.

Because he had this argument every time.

No. It was because it was a false hope, a false happiness. He knew the friendship was just a means to help Evan get with Zoe, then he would disappear. He’d already started destroying Evan’s life by getting him arrested last week. It was only a matter of time before something else happened, or worse Connor snapped at him and beat him up. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if that ever happened.

Uncomfortable feelings that Connor never knew what name to give them began swirling in his chest. He hated it. It felt like he needed to pace, but pacing never helped. The only thing that helped was distraction. He read a lot before he got picked on for it and when he did try to read now, it seemed like everything was lame and couldn’t hold his attention like it did before.

He reached into his pocket to pull out his phone to distract himself somehow when his hand brushed the lighter in his pocket.

He pulled it out and looked at the flame as he put it on and out over and over again. He had been feeling that his arms were a little lopsided.



There’s a pathway in the park

That needs to be burned

Because there’s too many marks

And memories that need to be forgot



Feelings that need to be rewritten

Stories that don’t need to be told

Just a little while longer to everything unfolds



He had to stop when the band kids came in to start setting up chairs. He pulled down his sleeve and pulled out his phone even though it wouldn’t be as effective of a distraction. He looked up the most recent memes.

It actually served as a decent distraction, except he kept wanting to send them to Evan. He couldn’t do that yet because he didn’t know Evan’s sense of humor yet and he didn’t want Evan to think his sense of humor was dumb and then stop being his friend.

Then Evan came back in, helping move instruments on stage with Jared and Connor was distracted from his phone. So much so that someone managed to pull it from his hand before he noticed.

“Hey!” Connor exclaimed, looking over to see Zoe holding his phone.

“Chill,” she replied. “I lost my phone. I’ll give your phone back once I find mine.”

Connor opened his mouth to protest, but she was already on the stage. Well, he really didn’t mind because Evan was back and he got to enjoy watching Evan help set up the stage.

The clocked ticked closer to the concert. Connor wanted to message Evan and tell him that Jared was a terrible friend, he had left Evan holding half the stand-up piano while the other part was resting on the stage, but when he reached into his pocket to pull out his phone it was gone. Zoe had to have had it for over a half-hour. Something was up.

From what he knew of Zoe, he would expect her to come and confront him if she suspected he was involved with Evan. I mean, that’s how she ended up getting suspended last week. But what else could she be doing? Trying to figure out who the girl was that he supposedly went on a date with? That wouldn’t end well either.

“So Karen, huh?” Zoe’s voice came from behind Connor, almost startling him.

“Shut up!” Connor exclaimed, reaching out for her to him his phone. “You shouldn’t be looking through my texts.”

“Got yourself a girlfriend?” Zoe asked in a mock tone, pulling Connor’s phone out of her pocket.

“It wouldn’t be any of your business if I did” Connor retorted, taking his phone roughly from her. “Now fuck off!”

“Why are you even here? It’s not like you even care for jazz music.”

“I’m not accountable to you, fuck off!”

“Don’t push me.”

“I’m sitting here minding my own business, how the hell am I pushing you?”

Zoe huffed and left.

Connor checked his phone to make sure Evan hadn’t texted him while Zoe had his phone, but he hadn’t. He went back to looking at memes. He decided to send one to Evan once Evan came back to the auditorium so he could watch his reaction, but Evan never checked his phone.

The auditorium began filling up and Connor stayed in his seat. He had thought about leaving earlier, but the masochist side of him wanted to watch Evan glow at Zoe’s performance. He wanted to see his face while watching someone and something he loved dearly. He knew he was going to regret it later, but he rarely cared much about that anymore.

His phone buzzed with a message. It wasn’t from Evan.



Alana: Wow, that’s a great background. You did a good job!

Connor: Who told you I worked on it?



Connor sent the message before thinking. He realized that revealed he worked with Evan. He hit his head with his fist.



Alana: Everyone says you did. It’s really great art. Do you think you can do something like this for homecoming?

Connor: No.

Alana: Alright, I’ll talk with Kassie about reusing it instead. It probably took you a lot of time and you need to focus on school, I understand.



Connor stared at Alana’s response. She thought Connor would be one to focus on school? He supposed she would be one of those people who thought everyone was as obsessed with school as she was. He didn’t respond.

He watched his parents come in from the outside to watch the concert. Wow, both mom and dad came to watch Zoe in some random mid-term concert. He tried not to think about if they would ever do something like that for him.

The concert started and Connor had to lean forward to be able to watch Evan as Evan watched Zoe. His expression was everything he had hoped for, attentive, engaged, happy. It hurt.

Connor’s hand slipped into his pocket and pulled out his lighter again. He covered the flame in his hand so this time it would burn the palm of his hand, mostly so the people sitting near him wouldn’t notice.

The pain balanced his mind nicely. He didn’t get caught in the whirlwind of emotions thinking that he had a chance with Evan Hansen.



He was doomed to the glares and stares,

She was raised to get looks or adoration and praise.

He picks fights and causes trouble

Trouble is only something that happens to her.



There’s something odd with the murphy’s

How could they have grown up so different

One who treads on life softly

The other whose tact was a torrent



He was an agent of evil and terror,

She only stumbles sometimes in error.

His life would end in jail with a life-term,

While she was free to chase her dreams.



There’s something odd with the murphy’s

How could they have grown up so different

One who treads on life softly

The other whose tact was a torrent



The duality of life always at odds

If evil removed itself from life

Would it get applause,

Would it end strife?



To disappear, without fear.



Connor was so absorbed in the pain to not notice that it had spread. His sleeve, part of his hair, and the coat draped over the seat in front of him was in flame. It was only the alarm that pulled him from his trance of pain.

Regardless of all the practice they gave them in elementary school, Connor’s brain blanked on what to do to stop fire. He grabbed the strand of burning hair and shoved it in his mouth to put it out. It burned his mouth, but it went out.

Unfortunately, he had placed his arm with a burning sleeve on the seat next to him that also began to ignite. It was then that he registered the screams.

He went to put his sleeve in his mouth, but there was too much fire on his sleeve to fit in his mouth. He instead tried to pat it out on his seat, only causing the seat to catch fire.

He forced himself to collapse onto the floor in the middle of all the burning seats. The burning on his arm a simple memory of burning it himself earlier. This wasn’t how he planned on going out, but he supposed it wasn’t terrible way to go.



Chapter 20: Fire

Chapter Text

September 26, 2018

The last thing Evan expected at Zoe’s Jazz Band concert was the object of his worst nightmares reawakened, well one of them. Something he had long since pushed to the back of his mind. Alarms.

His hands had jumped to his ears the moment it rang. His heartbeat already racing before he could even process that it was racing. His eyes looking over the standing crowd trying to locate the quickest exit before he hyperventilated so much that he couldn’t escape.

A strong arm draped around his shoulders.

“Relax,” Jared said. “I’m sure someone just thought it would be funny to pull the fire alarm. I’ll get you out of here.”

Evan nodded, working on his breathing exercises.

Once they navigated out of their row of seats, Evan closed his eyes to not allow the panic of the rest of crowd to interfere with his own efforts of keeping his breathing under control. Jared said it was just a prank. Everything would be alright. They would get out and nothing bad would happen.

Regardless of all these measures, Evan still felt his face going tingly from the start of hyperventilating. He just had to follow Jared. Breathe and follow Jared.

“Holy shit!” Jared exclaimed and Evan’s eyes flew wide open.

There was fire. Fire in the auditorium.

Fire surrounding a dark figure.

Breathing was hard.

His face tingling.

Man on fire.

Fire.



The next thing he remembered was sitting on a bench outside the school. The fire alarm had stopped and there were flashing lights. On his shoulders was a blanket and Jared’s arm.

“Evan? Are you okay now?” Jared asked quietly.

Evan looked around to take in the surroundings. The cars in the lot were in a jam trying to exit. The shadows of the trees over the lights around the school. The murmurings of people still milling about the school.

He nodded.

“Good, for a moment I thought they would put you on a stretcher too.”

“Too?” Evan repeated.

“You won’t believe it, Connor decided that shooting the school was too much work and that burning it down would be better. Luckily he only managed to burn himself and a few chairs, the freak.”

Jared laughed as if it were a funny tale.

Evan stood up, his heart racing once again. The person who had been on fire was Connor, his friend.

Jared grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. Evan felt the blanket being returned to his shoulders. Then Jared’s arm went around his shoulders with greater firmness.

“You need to calm down before that medic comes back. She’ll be pissed if I don’t keep you seated with the blanket on. Calm down.”

Evan went through his breathing exercises, but, the moment his mind turned to Connor, his breathing picked back up.

“Connor,” Evan managed to get out before his breathing increased at the thought of Connor being the person he saw on fire.

“Damn, Evan. Really?” Jared replied, his hand coming off Evan’s shoulders in frustration. “You’re freaking out because Connor might be hurt? All he does is push you around. I know he signed your cast, but that doesn’t mean you are friends.”

Evan’s breathing was still not under control.

“Fine,” Jared said as if Evan had pushed him too far. “Connor is fine. Only a little bit of a second degree burn on parts of his arm. They aren’t even going to take him to the hospital. Now will you calm down?”

Surprisingly that did a lot to help Evan’s anxiety. Was he really caught up about Connor’s well-being? Of course he was worried about a person who had been on fire, the doubt only came from Jared. Evan would be worried even if it was Principal Ekerds who had been injured and Principal Ekerds always gave him a panic attack when he tried to talk to Evan. Of course he was also important for the school and maybe that wasn’t the greatest example…

A medic came over and checked up on Evan. His heart raced a little while she was taking his pulse, mostly because he was always afraid they would discover that he was going to die of a horrible painful disease when they did that, which he knew was very illogical, but his anxiety never listened to logic.

“You are good to go,” she said, folding up the blanket that had been around his shoulders.

Then she left Evan and Jared sitting on the bench. Evan could feel the awkward silence descend, the silence he knew meant they were nothing more than family friends.

“Zoe’s still here,” Jared said after a moment of silence. He pointed to her silhouette leaving two tall silhouettes to a hunched over group of kids under a light. “You can still land another date for this weekend.”

“No, no, no,” Evan immediately replied. “Sorry.” He added quickly, looking down.

“I bet she isn’t as frazzled as you that her brother got burned, more likely she’s disappointed.”

Evan’s heart froze. It had a tendency to do that whenever anyone made a joke about dying instead of dealing with something or killing themselves if something happened since he broke his arm. It was like they didn’t realize how fragile life was, but then it also reminded him that life wasn’t that fragile and…

“Fine, I’ll stop making digs at Connor. What is your deal with Connor?”

“Nothing,” Evan said.

Jared raised his eyebrows.

Evan let out a sigh and continued. “I just, I’m, I—” He was about to say that he was friends with Connor, but he knew that would lead to Jared finding out about the blackmail and then Jared would know Evan was a freak who sometimes wished he was dead and Jared would definitely tell the whole school if Connor didn’t beat him to it for Evan telling Jared that Connor blackmailed him. “Suicide isn’t something to joke about.” That felt more profound than he meant.

“Spoil sport. I suppose no more jokes about him shooting up the school too, that’s a joke, a lame one, but you used to laugh at them.”

“Because I don’t know how to respond!”

Evan’s sudden anger surprised even himself.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, Jared,” he said quickly. “I just, I’m just—”

“Having a rough night, don’t worry, I remember how much of a mess you were in elementary school during fire drills. I also tease you mercilessly when you get permission to skip school on days with fire drills. But I really think talking to Zoe will help.”

Evan stared at Jared with wide eyes. Talking with Zoe seemed like the last thing he needed to add to his day. The last date had been terribly awkward because Evan didn’t know what to say or do. He was sure Zoe wouldn’t want to go on another date with him and so he shouldn’t ask. Getting rejected would hurt, but he supposed it would also be nice to get it done with. However, he wasn’t sure he was emotionally stable enough to handle a rejection right now. He should wait until—

“Earth to Evan,” Jared said in a silly voice, pulling Evan from his thoughts. “Let me tell you why my idea is the best:”



Girls like boys and boys like girls

Courting makes you heart sing

Your troubles and fears slip away

Because all you want is a room



Zoe is very into you

She will protect and care for you

She’s not going to say no

I won’t tell you how I know



Girls like boys and boys like girls

Zoe likes you and you like Zoe

Open your heart to love

You’ll find peace and assurance not found elsewhere



Zoe wants you to ask

Zoe wants you to talk

She wants to know you

She doesn’t think you lack



Girls like boys and boys like girls

Zoe likes you and you like Zoe

She knows your flaws

She’s got your back



Another verse with innuendo



Jared sounded so convincing, but Evan still didn’t think that it would solve his problems. He was still a mess and while Zoe might be aware of his outer mess, she wasn’t aware of the larger mess inside of him. There was no way she would stick around once she found out about suicide watch. No one wants to date someone who they are afraid is going to off themself.

“Well, ready or not, here she comes,” Jared said with a cheeky grin.

“What?” Evan said, looking up to see that Zoe was in fact heading his way. When he went to look back at Jared, he was gone.

“Hey, Evan,” Zoe greeted. “I saw a medic look after you, are you all right?”

“Um, yeah, I, uh, I have a hard time with alarms, and then I saw your brother on fire and I just, I was panicking and such.”

“Sorry about my brother causing this fiasco. At times I think being related doesn’t mean anything.”

Evan nodded, unsure what else to say.

“I’m sorry he got you in trouble. I hope your mother won’t keep you grounded past homecoming.”

Evan nodded, not wanting to vocalize the undoing of the lie he told Jared to say that he was ungrounded.

“Well, if you manage to be ungrounded before Homecoming, text me. We can go to the soda bar or go to that new game board cafe.”

“Yeah,” Evan said nodding. Both of those ideas sounded like they could be fun...if he could manage to keep a conversation with Zoe.

“Great,” Zoe said beaming. “If not, you know you can text me normally too. Just to say hi or whatever.”

Evan nodded.

“I’ll see you around?” Zoe asked.

“Yeah,” Evan replied once again, nodding.

“Well, I better get going. I hope you are ungrounded soon.”

Zoe turned and headed towards the ambulance. Evan stared and watched her retreat.

“She does all the work for you, wow,” Jared said from behind Evan, making Evan jump. “You didn’t even try anything I taught you at dinner.”

“I just, today wasn’t, today wasn’t a good day. The alarm, the school, being at fire all—I mean, being at school all day. I need to, to, just a break from all this.”

“Mmm,” Jared replied.

Evan had no idea if it was a positive sound or a negative sound.

“Well, concerts over, let’s get you home.”

“You aren’t, you aren’t going to get mad at me for messing up with Zoe, are you?” Evan asked once they were both in Jared’s car.

“No, but I’m going to help a brother out,” Jared said, grabbing Evan’s phone from the mesh water bottle pocket of Evan’s backpack.

Evan just stared, not wanting to confront Jared about touching his phone, even though it bothered him when people did that.

“There,” Jared said, smiling mischievously. He tossed Evan’s phone back as he started the car.

Evan looked at his phone. Jared had texted Zoe for him.



Evan: Sorry, I was shaken up from the alarm. I’m ungrounded. We should do something this weekend.



Evan wasn’t sure if he should punch Jared, which wasn’t him at all, or thank him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go on a date with Zoe, but then she seemed so excited to want to go on a date with him. He liked her and that was what you were supposed to do when you liked someone. It was just that he failed in social situations. If he weren’t broken, he was sure he would consider it the best thing in the world.



Zoe: Oh, that’s great news! Yeah, we can totally meet up this weekend. Saturday at 4? I can pick you up and we can try out the new board game cafe.

Evan: Sounds great



Evan replied before he could talk himself out of it. This was what he was supposed to be doing as a normal teenager. Fake it till you make it, right? He just had to make sure Zoe didn’t see the worst part of him.

“Did Zoe respond?” Jared asked.

“Yeah, we are going on a date Saturday.”

“Atta boy!” Jared said, playfully slapping Evan’s thigh. “Want me to come over and give you kissing tips?”

“No!” Evan replied hastily. He probably wanted to kiss Zoe, well, he definitely had imagined kissing Zoe, but it was too early. This was only their second time hanging out. It was definitely too early.

“Spoil sport,” Jared said. “At least tell me you will kiss her after going to homecoming together.”

“What?” Evan asked, looking to Jared with his eyes wide open in fear. He had no plans on going to homecoming. School dances were loud, involved dancing which he didn’t know how to do, and were always crowded. He hated it when in elementary school and middle school when they had them during the day and you couldn’t get out of them. He always went and hid in the bathrooms.

“Oh please, she was hoping you wouldn’t be grounded for homecoming. She wants to go to homecoming with you.”

“I can’t—”

“You’ve got to go to homecoming. There’s nothing else like having your body right next to an attractive girl. It’ll be an awakening for you.” Jared said and then started laughing. “At this rate you will get laid before me.”

Evan blushed. He didn’t even want to think about that. He needed to be able to handle talking on a date before thinking about being able to get through that.

They pulled up to Evan’s house right behind his mother’s car. He hadn’t realized how late it was.

“Jared? Is that you?” Mom asked, coming to Jared’s window that he rolled down for her.

“Yeah, just giving Evan a ride home from the Jazz Concert after it went awry.”

“Awry?”

“Some lunatic tried to catch the auditorium on fire during the concert, but everyone is fine.”

“I’m glad everyone is alright. You like jazz, Evan?” Mom asked as Evan closed the door of Jared’s car.

“He likes this girl in jazz band and she totally likes him back,” Jared responded before Evan could.

“Really?” Mom said, her smile getting larger than was good for Evan.

“She basically asked him to ask her to homecoming today, didn’t she, Evan?”

Evan looked to the tree in the front yard to avoid answering.

“Well then, we shall just have to figure out a good way to get them to homecoming together,” Mom told Jared.

Evan internally groaned. Now Jared and mom were going to be working together to get him to homecoming.

But that was what he was supposed to be doing. Normal teens went to homecoming with people they liked. He needed to fake it until he made it. Wasn’t that what Dr. Sherman had been telling him?

Chapter 21: Stay Away from Evan Hansen

Chapter Text

September 26, 2018

The car ride home was awkward and silent. Like all the car rides as a family unless Connor pushed everyone to their breaking point. He didn’t understand why they liked to walk around problems instead of addressing them head on. Of course hitting problems head on normally didn’t solve anything either, but it felt better than pretending it didn’t exist.

“Connor get your laptop and phone and bring it to my study. We need to talk,” dad said as soon as he put the car in park.

Connor had nothing to say because he knew he had messed up. Who else would manage to catch the auditorium on fire while just trying to burn their hand? Connor, only Connor. The rumors would hopefully die down before he was done being suspended. Was this his second or third time being suspended this year? It hadn’t been a month and he had already lost count.

He took a moment to compose a text to Evan.



Connor: Don’t reply. My phone is being confiscated again. I’m not supposed to be talking to you, so don’t send me any messages.



He then went through and deleted all messages from Evan before grabbing his laptop and running downstairs to his parents, but the door to dad’s study was closed and locked.

He knocked.

“Hold on,” dad said.

Whatever, he wasn’t dying to get grounded. He went into the living room and opened his laptop to watch a few more YouTube videos before being grounded from them.

When the study door finally opened, Zoe came out.

Shit. She had taken his phone. Did she realize that he had renamed Evan as Karen in his phone? No, she would’ve said something. She was confrontational like him.

He had nothing to worry about because all Evan and Connor’s messages were now deleted. His parents couldn’t get into his texts like they did his email, right? He hadn’t emailed Evan since before the Monday his parents told him to stay away from him. He should only be in trouble for the fire.

He took a deep breath and entered the study, placing his phone and laptop on the desk as usual for these meetings. His father in his chair and mother standing behind. Their family was so messed up.

“So…” Dad began lamely.

Connor rolled his eyes and replied, “I’m a dumb teenage boy who doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions. I’m grounded until you decide I’m done. Can I go to bed now?”

Dad looked like he was about to agree when mom turned his chair and stepped forward.

“Connor, these talks aren’t just about meting out punishment. We have to talk about the behavior and how you are going to fix it or nothing will change.”

“Fine, I won’t play with my lighter in the auditorium again. There, now are we done?”

“No,” mom retorted. “Larry, we have to talk about the other matter.”

“Why? We already know he would only be dumb enough to catch the auditorium on fire if he was high.”

Connor did his best to not let that statement break his heart. His parents thought he was dumb and would think he was dumber if they realized he hadn’t been high, well high on anything other than looking at Evan Hansen. It was only a little while longer and then Evan and Zoe would be together and he could be done with this dumb game.

“Yes, but the other matter also deals with…” Mom said as if dad knew what she was talking about, but dad just stared at her as if he had no clue what she was talking about. Mom gave an exasperated sigh before finishing her statement, “Davis Hansen?”

Dad still looked completely confused.

“The druggie he was arrested with the other day?”

“What does that matter?”

“We told him to stop hanging out with him and talking to him.”

“So? When does he ever listen to anything we tell him?”

Connor rolled his eyes as his parents talked about him like he wasn’t there.

“We need to address it!”

“Connor, did you get with your friend you were arrested with and get high before Zoe’s concert tonight?” Dad asked, resigned.

“No,” Connor replied truthfully.

“No what?” Dad asked.

“I didn’t get high and didn’t hang out with Evan?”

“Don’t lie, Connor. It’ll just make us go harder on you,” Mom said.

“I’m not lying,” Connor said, bracing for the fact that they wouldn’t believe him.

“Ask him about Saturday,” mom demanded of dad.

“Did you hang out and get high with the kid on Saturday?” Dad asked.

“No!” Connor said...it was mostly truthful. He had hung out with Evan, but they weren’t getting high. His parents had no evidence than what Zoe said. They would check his phone and he would be clear.

“Don’t lie to your father!”

“Cynthia, let’s just put this to rest. There’s no point arguing with him. I need to get some work done before his blood test comes back positive if we want to avoid him being arrested for what happened.”

“No, Larry, we have to do this now! He has to understand why his behavior is wrong or he will do it again!”

“He knows what he is doing is wrong and he doesn’t care! It’s wasting both of our time to sit here and argue with him!”

“Then why don’t you let him get arrested? I know you keep talking about it like it is going to be the only solution that will solve this!”

“No! I never mean it when I say it! I’m just running out of options on how to make this work. It’s starting to look like the only option, but I’m not going to do that.”

“Then talk to him about his druggie friend!”

Dad sighed and turned back to face Connor.

Connor tried to restrain himself from fidgeting. They couldn’t prove he had been talking to or hanging out with Evan. They had no evidence.

“Why are you lying about hanging out with your friend you got arrested with?” Dad asked as if he was tired of asking this question every day.

“I’m not lying,” Connor lied. “You told me not to and I haven’t. Check my phone!”

Dad opened his phone and looked at the messages. Then sighed.

“Just because you deleted them, doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. I have a copy of the messages you’ve sent in the past month. While the contact name wasn’t the name of the druggie, we all know how easy it is to change the name of a contact and pretend it is someone it isn’t.”

“No!” Connor said, fearing that he had chosen the wrong tactic for this encounter. How could he get a copy of the texts without having access to his phone? This wasn’t possible!

“Where shall I begin with all these?” Dad asked lazily, looking at some printed papers on his desk. “Oh yes, how about the one from earlier today? ‘come let’s get high like we did Saturday we’ll do it before the concert and you can cool off before your parents find out’ or ‘that was the best stuff I’ve smoked in months, thanks for covering’?”

“What?” Connor asked, completely confused as to what his dad was talking about.

Dad shuffled some papers.

“Or from Saturday, ‘dude, come meet me in the park. I got some new stuff I know you’ll like’ and you replied ‘i’ll be there as soon as I can sneak out’.”

“What?” Connor repeated. Those were not his texts. “I wasn’t grounded, I didn’t need to sneak out.”

“Not unless you wanted to avoid my questioning where you were going,” mom said. “I remember going up to call you down for lunch and you not being there. You never told me you were going out.”

“I didn’t realize I was on parole and had to tell you everything.”

“Don’t give your mother that attitude!”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going out?”

“You never told me I had to!”

“You know you did it to hide that you were getting high with your new druggie friend. Stop pretending.”

“He’s not—” Connor stopped himself. That was the wrong thing to say.

“So you were with that bad influence on Saturday.”

“He’s not the bad influence! I am!”

“He was trying to get you to do heroin!” Mom exclaimed.

“No! He walked in on me about to shoot up!”

The tension turned to heavy silence.

Why did he say that? Why did he jump so quickly to defend Evan? He was going to be in a lot more trouble now.

“He’s just saying that so he won’t get in as much trouble for hanging out with him,” dad said, the first one brave enough to break the silence. “These texts prove otherwise.”

“All this talk about the importance of privacy, but clearly it doesn’t matter for me,” Connor mumbled under his breath.

“What did you say?” Mom demanded.

“Nothing,” Connor mumbled slightly louder.

“We are trying to help you, Connor. If you behaved, you would start to have more privacy. If you continue to misbehave you will lose even more.”

“Evan never sent those texts!”

“Then how did they end up in your text history?”

“Someone put them there!” It clicked. This was why Zoe stole his phone. “Zoe!”

“Why would Zoe do that?” Mom asked.

Dad opened his mouth and closed it as if he had been about to say the same thing.

Connor opened his mouth. His mind was racing. She was getting possessive. Did she know—no, there was no way. He never gave anyone any inclination that he was anything but straight. It’s what everyone assumed, right?

“See,” mom said as if his silence decided everything. “She has no reason.”

Mom then turned to dad to give him the green light for the drug talk.

“Connor, remember, drugs are a cheap escape. In order to be a man you have to learn to face your troubles like a man. Suck it up.

“I really think we ought to sign you up for a sport, even cross country. The discipline will help you. Maybe then you’ll do your homework and realize you could actually accomplish something with your life.

“All your mother and I want for you is for you to live a successful, happy life. Drugs won’t do that. You gotta stick it out. Life was never made to be easy, but you can do it if you stop acting like a sissy.”

Connor rolled his eyes, knowing his father was only restraining from making a comment on his hair length and nail polish because mother decided it was the wrong battle to fight at the end of last school year.

“Can I go now?” Connor asked.

“Yes, but while you are suspended you will be doing chores around the house for your mother to make up for the hassle you caused today. Don’t fight her on it or you will have to come to work with me and you remember how that went last time.”

Connor nodded and headed up to his room, ready to crash on his bed and pretend today never happened. But Zoe met him in the hallway.



I warned you,

Stay Away from Evan Hansen

He is a pure innocent angel that you’ve wrecked

I gave you my last warning and now it is time to play

Be prepared for the hell I’m gonna raise.”



“Fuck you, Zoe,” Connor hissed. His repressed rage starting to boil. She faked those messages making Evan look worse than he really was, to make it look like Connor was using him to get high instead of thinking of him to prevent himself from resorting to getting high.



I warned you.”



That was the last straw.

“FUCK YOU, ZOE!”

Zoe quickly retreated to her room and slammed the door on Connor’s face, who was in hot pursuit. He banged on the closed door.

“YOU BARGE RAT! YOU’RE FILTHIER THAN ALL THE RATS THAT CARRIED THE BLACK PLAGUE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU FOR THIS! YOU’RE ONLY HURTING YOUR OWN CHANCES! LEAVE MY LIFE THE FUCK ALONE!”

“CONNOR!” His dad had come up the stairs and stood between Connor and Zoe’s door, good thing too because it looked like the wood of the door was about to give in to Connor’s punches.

Dad pushed Connor up against the hallway wall until Connor stopped flailing his arms towards Zoe’s door.

“Get into your room and thank your lucky stars that we haven’t decided to switch your door knob around so you get locked in,” dad hissed.

Connor felt the strange emptiness he usually felt after these outbursts and so he let himself be corralled into his room. This was ridiculous. His life was a joke. A really bad, pitiful joke that was only funny because it was so sad. He was the guy everyone yelled at for doing all the dumb things, but he could never stop himself.

**

The next morning Connor began the various chores his mother had him do as she lectured him.



We warned you of the troubles that would come for being friends with Hansen

We told you to stay away so your life wouldn’t be ruined

We did you lie to us about this?

We are your family, we only want what’s best for you.”



Connor emptied the dishwasher, wiped the counters, swept and mopped the kitchen.



Stay away from Evan Hansen,

I warned you to not interfere with my life

You brought this all upon yourself

Stop acting like you are the victim.

Evan’s the real victim in all of this.”



Zoe lectured at him on her way in after school. He was outside to mow start mowing the lawn after dusting and vacuuming all the downstairs rooms.



I don’t need a son who loves baseball

I’d even take a geek who hates sports

I just want a son who doesn’t do drugs

And won’t land himself in jail.”



Dad lamented in his study as Connor went past to get a shower in after mowing the lawn.

Connor slammed the bathroom door. They were the most pathetic excuse of a family!



I wish I had everything figured out,

I wish I didn’t snap and throw things about

I sometimes dream of a happy life

Married, in love, and treated right

But that’s not in the cards for me,

It’s impossible for a guy like me.



Connor finished his shower and headed downstairs for dinner.



CONNOR (all three at the same time)

I won’t ever change,

I can’t ever change.

I’m broken and wrong

I don’t know why I’ve taken so long

To escape this sad existence.



PARENTS

All we want is for our children to

grow into well-adjusted adults,

He keeps running headlong

Into trouble and throwing out insults.

Where did we go wrong?





ZOE

Stay away from Evan Hansen

I’m in love with Evan Hansen

Don’t ruin the one good thing in life

Please

Stay away from Evan Hansen.





Chapter 22: Nothing says I love you more than

Chapter Text

September 29, 2018

Today was the big day. Date number two with Zoe Murphy.

Evan looked at the clothes Jared picked last night and tried to egg himself into wearing it. The date wasn’t for another few hours, but he didn’t want to have to change. Besides, he already ate breakfast so it wasn’t like dressing in it now was going to ruin his outfit for later...unless he started sweating for nerves.

He threw himself back down on his bed. Why was he putting himself through this torture? Jared told him he needed to stop overthinking everything...Dr. Sherman had said something similar in therapy that week too. Not everyone is thinking about what other people are doing because they are so focused on themselves to not notice the world around them, but wasn’t that about how he was missing out and not about how people didn’t notice that his hands were sweaty?

Evan sighed and rolled over so he could stare at the outfit, an odd mix of his and Jared’s styles.

Jared told him today was the day to make a move, nothing major like a kiss though. Just take her hand, put your arm around her, give her a hug. All of those thoughts worried him.

His hands were sweaty, always were. They were always wet and when he got nervous it only got worse. If he tried to hold Zoe’s hand, she would notice the wetness and think he was gross and that was the end of their friendship, relationship, or whatever it was that they had.

Putting his arm around her or hugging her involved raising his arms in such a way that his armpits would be exposed. He sweat there a lot too. He would be smelly and wet, she would notice and think he was gross. It all seemed like a lose-lose situation.

But that didn’t even matter because there wasn’t going to be a movie to take up most of the talking time tonight. It was dinner. He supposed they could talk about the movie, but they had talked about it already during lunch times when she came and said hi at the end of lunch. Now he had nothing to talk about and nothing to distract them.

Jared had simply laughed when Evan asked him about what he should talk about with Zoe, then he started talking about kissing and kissing techniques. Shouldn’t he be able to have a normal conversation with Zoe before even thinking about kissing her? He didn’t even want to think about kissing her because that was a completely different ball game than hand holding and putting your arm around a girl. There was way too much to worry about there.

He laid back on his bed and tried to not think about the date. Unfortunately that only lead him to worry about Connor. He wasn’t sure what to make of their friendship. Blackmail, to no longer asking for him to spend lunch together, to the random leaving the phone with him, to finally deleting the picture, to the fact that Connor still knew Evan had been on suicide watch, and then the cryptic message after the fire at school. But that led him to think about the fire and Connor being on fire and not really knowing whether or not he was okay. But he couldn’t ask because Connor told him to not text him.

And all these worries were on top of the usual school worries and the worries that he would say the wrong thing in to Dr. Sherman and end up in suicide watch again. Why was life so complicated and full of things to worry about?

“Evan, come downstairs!” His mother’s voice hollered from downstairs.

Mom was home? Evan thought she had to work today.

He got up and threw on the outfit Jared had picked for the date, figuring his mother didn’t want to see that he usually stayed in bed on Saturdays and never changed into real clothes.

When he made it downstairs, he almost ran back upstairs when he saw someone else who wasn’t his mother at the table. But then he realized who it was.

“Connor?”

Connor turned and looked behind him as his mother looked up.

“Found someone near the grocery store and decided to bring him home,” mom said with a smile.

“Are you alright?” Evan asked, coming to join them sitting at the table.

“Um, yeah?”

“I mean after Wednesday, the fire.”

Connor rolled up his sleeve to reveal it was bandaged still.

“Just a minor inconvenience, getting grounded was worse. My parents thought I was high, but the cops ran a drug test to try and get something on me and it came back clean, so they mostly ungrounded me.”

“Oh,” Evan said, absent mindedly picking up one of the powdered doughnuts his mother had brought home from the grocery store. “What are you doing home?”

“Well, I decided I needed to spend more time at home. I’ve been trying to swing as few hours as I can without getting in trouble. I worked a shorter shift this morning and then did the grocery shopping and decided an afternoon with my boy would be worth it.”

“Oh, well, I’m going out later…”

“Where? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Evan looked nervously from his mother to Connor. Connor already knew about Zoe and the first date, but he hadn’t told his mother anything. He wasn’t sure if she would be the one to take it or if she would tease him about it. But when Connor nodded him on, he couldn’t hide it.

“I’m going on a date.”

“A date!” Mom exclaimed, her face giving the super hopeful expression that her son was now healed and wouldn’t have issues with social situations anymore.

Evan cringed.

“With Zoe?” Connor asked.

“Is this with the girl Jared was talking about?”

Evan nodded in response to both of their questions, still cringing from the attention.

“No, this is great, Evan,” mom said, standing up so she could come over and give Evan a hug. “Even if the date doesn’t go so well, you still managed to get the date. Wow, I’m so proud of you.”

Connor made a taunting face at Evan while his mother was hugging him for too long. Evan stuck his tongue out at Connor before having to suppress a laugh.

“Well, that solves the question on what the three of us are going to do this afternoon.”

“What?” Connor said, vocalizing the fear, curiosity, and apprehension that Evan was feeling.

“We are going to look up ways to ask girls to homecoming!”

Evan looked to Connor and Connor shrugged. Evan couldn’t think of anything better for all three of them to do, so he shrugged and nodded back to his mother. This was going to be an interesting day.

Connor showed mom how to hook up both her and Evan’s computers to display split screen on the TV. Then Connor helped Evan search on his computer while mom looked on her own, drawing attention to the TV whenever something of note came up.

It was quickly decided that Evan would make one of those posters with candy bars, mostly because it wasn’t too much of a production and was still one-on-one interaction that mom decided was important to help build his confidence. The wording was what was under the hottest debate.

“We can’t call Zoe a hot tamale, that’s wrong. It’s, like, sexist,” Evan complained.

“Then we shouldn’t be having you call yourself a dummy or a smartie either,” Connor countered.

“It’s just meant to give people a laugh, stop taking it so seriously,” mom argued. “She isn’t going to think you are just after her body if you ask her to homecoming with a poster that refers to her as a hot tamale.”

“This isn’t the nineties anymore, mom. It just, doesn’t seem right.”

“Evan’s going to have to read the poster to her. If he doesn’t want to call her a hot tamale, he shouldn’t have to call her a hot tamale,” Connor chimed in.

“I should’ve known Evan’s friend would take his side. Fine, I’ll leave the two of you to figure out what the best wording is.”

Mom then got up to go into the kitchen to make herself some coffee. Connor moved over to take control of mom’s laptop and opened a word processor to start jotting down all their ideas.

Even though Connor’s sleeves were down, Evan couldn’t help but look over to see if he was hurting from the burns.

His mother wandered over to her bedroom before the coffee finished. When she didn’t come back when the coffee maker finished, Evan knew she had fallen asleep. He let the questions spew out of him that had been bugging him.

“Are you sure you are alright? How did you catch on fire? I thought you said you weren’t going to stay for the concert? Do you really think Zoe will like any of this?”

After all of that spewed out of his mouth, Evan realized he spoke too quickly and asked too many questions. He looked away from Connor.

“Sorry.”

“Apology accepted. I don’t think I caught everything, but I will say this much. I think Zoe will like this, not because it is anything spectacular or original or funny, but because you took time to create something for her.”

“You really think so?”

“I do.”

“Why? Sorry, that’s a dumb question. You already kinda answered it.”

“Apparently it wasn’t good enough of an answer. Let me try again:



Nothing says I love you more than I’m thinking of you when we aren’t together

Nothing says I love you more than remembering her favorites

Nothing says I love you more than spending your time with her.”



“Really?”

“Of course really.”



Nothing says I love you more than listening

Nothing says I love you more than empathizing and relating

Nothing says I love you more than a small reminder that I am thinking of you



BOTH

Nothing says I love you more than showing you think of you when we aren’t together

Nothing says I love you more than listening and understanding your point of view

Nothing says I love you more than remembering what is important to you.



“You know what this means, right?” Connor asked.

“What does this mean?”

“You have to find out her favorite candy bar today so we can add it to the poster.”

“I have to do what?”

“It’s simple. Embrace the fact you are a freak and run with it. Randomly say, ‘I have a random question for you, what is your favorite candy bar?’ Easy-peasy. Try it.”

“I have a random question for you, what is your favorite candy bar?”

“Reese’s. There. See, easy-peasy.”

“Is that really your favorite candy bar?”

“Wow, aren’t you being judgmental? What’s yours?”

“No! I didn’t mean it like that. I meant were you just joking or were you serious?”

“It would be a joke if I said something like, your mom. Now come on, if you think my choice is so pathetic what is your favorite candy bar?”

“I don’t think your choice is pathetic. It’s probably in my top five.”

“You have a list of favorites?”

“Mostly because my mood changes and sometimes I don’t like my favorite for a little while.”

“That’s weird, but let’s hear it.”

“My normal favorite is Mounds, but I absolutely hate Almond Joy’s. When I’m picky, I just like the special dark hershey’s bar. After that I like Mars bars, Snickers, and Reese’s.”

“Wow, look at you, such a picky eater.”

“No, I just have five favorites!”

The doorbell rang. Evan looked at his phone to see the time. It was still too early for Zoe to show up. Who would be at the door? Why were they here? What if they were wearing roller blades and wanted to come into the house? What was he to say if he opened the door?

“Calm down, I’ll go see who it is. However, if it’s my sister you need to answer the door and pretend like I never was here.”

Evan nodded, not fully taking in everything he had said yet, except for the fact that he didn’t need to worry about the door anymore.

He heard the front door open and then Connor speak in a ridiculous accent.

“Howdy, you’re just in time. I was about to grab the needles from the car. Everyone else is stripped and preping for the orgy. It’s going to be a fine party.”

Evan sniggered into his hand.

“Um, is there a better time for us to come back?”

“No one lives here, which is why we thought it the best place for our party, you know, less clean up. The party is only happening right here, right now.”

“Um, thank you for your time sir. Here’s our card if you care to get in touch with us later.”

“Oh, you mean if you want some of my services. I go anyway you want.”

“Bye!”

The front door closed and Connor returned. Evan was rolling with laughter on the floor.

“Who was that?” Mom said, stumbling out of her room, clearly still half-asleep.

“Just some people proselyting,” Connor replied, sitting down on the couch. “I doubt they will come back anytime soon.”

“Is that what was so funny?” Mom said, looking to Evan on the floor.

“Yeah,” Connor said with a smirk, slowing breaking down into laughter.

“What did you say that was so funny?”

Connor and Evan stopped laughing for a moment to look at each other before cracking up even harder.

“You should’ve seen their faces!” Connor exclaimed, hitting the couch next to him.

“Boys,” mom said. She returned to the kitchen and finally got herself her coffee before pulling out her school work on the dining room table to begin to work.

When the laughter died down, Evan’s mind went to the strange text Connor sent. He decided it wouldn’t be too bad to ask Connor what it meant.

“What did you mean by your text late Wednesday?” Evan said, fishing out his phone to look at it.

“I meant my phone is now confiscated until further notice, so you can’t reach me anymore. Also…” Connor looked up at Evan’s mom at the table before dropping his voice. “I’m not supposed to be hanging out with you, which is why you can’t let Zoe know I was here today.”

“Why aren’t you supposed to be hanging out with me? Are you still grounded?” Evan whispered.

Connor cast a cautious glance upwards before speaking even quieter. “You don’t want me talking about it here. We’ll have to talk another time.”

“When?”

The doorbell rang. Mom instinctively got up to answer the door. Evan checked his phone. He had a new message from Zoe.



Zoe: I’m here!



“I’ll find you and tell you,” Connor said, helping Evan to his feet. “Right now you have a date.”

Connor brushed the wrinkles out of Evan’s shirt and started pushing him towards the door, stopping where the room meet the hallway that went to the front door.

Evan took a deep breath and joined his mother at the door.

“Hey, Evan,” Zoe said, beaming. “Nice to meet you, Heidi. I’ll see you around. Let’s go!”

Evan followed her to the car where she opened his door for him before walking around to the driver’s side of the car.

“Anything you want to listen to?” She asked as she buckled her seat belt.

“Anything’s great,” Evan replied.

“Alright.”

She played some jazz and then backed out of the driveway. Awkward silence ensued.

Then he remembered what Connor told him.

“So, uh, um, ah random question time. Um, uh, what’s--what’s your favorite candy? Or, I mean, candy bar.”

Zoe glanced over at him and smiled. “I like nerds, skittles, and some flavors of sour patch gummies. I always pull the red ones out because I hate them.”

Evan laughed nervously. Now he just had to remember.

“How about you?” Zoe asked.



Chapter 23: Jealousy casts a dark shadow

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

October 1-2, 2018

Monday morning Connor woke up early and walked to school. He went to Evan’s locker before anyone else was in the hallways and slipped in a note. It read:



Evan, I’m sorry we can’t be seen together at school, but I don’t want to stop being your friend because of it. If you want to hang out for lunch, I now take my lunches in the woods by the school. You know, the ones between the baseball fields and the football practice fields where we ran into each other that one time. If you don’t want to, I understand. Don’t feel any pressure. Your friend, Connor.” (Final draft make this rhyme)



Connor regretted putting that note in Evan’s locker as soon as he made it to class. What was he thinking? Evan wouldn’t come have lunch in the trees with him, unless he felt like he was still being blackmailed.

Why was he an idiot who thought that blackmailing someone was a good idea? And who the hell thinks blackmailing people into pretending to be your friend at lunch was what you blackmailed a person into? He was a pathetic mess!

Connor couldn’t take the anxiety when it was time for his class before lunch. He headed for the woods instead. He would get high before lunch and then he could deal with it.

He had rolled up the joint and was about to light it when he realized how bad an idea getting high before meeting Evan would be. If Evan showed up, he would likely try to kiss him while high. And Evan was only going to show up because he still felt like he was being blackmailed. Then it would be like he blackmailed Evan to kiss him which would be even worse.

He chucked the joint at a tree and it anti-climatically fluttered to the ground. Connor picked up a rock and threw it at the tree and it was just as unsatisfying. Everything was unsatisfying. Trying to be anything more than friends with Evan would be equally unsatisfying, he knew it. If not because Evan was straight but because that was how everything in his life ended up. Telling jokes, reading, getting high. They all stopped being meaningful.

He picked up the joint and put it away in his backpack for after lunch. Then he pulled out his phone. He hadn’t told Evan that he had it back because then he would have to explain that his dad had blocked Evan’s number through the cell provider. He didn’t really want to tell Evan that his parents had it all backwards or that Zoe was trying to break up their friendship because Connor was messing up Evan’s life.

That thought caught in his chest. He held back a sob. It was true. He was ruining Evan. Why did he keep holding on to the friendship? He was doing so little to help Evan and Zoe become a couple. He basically wasn’t needed.

Besides, Zoe pointed out that Evan was still super anxious because of the fire Wednesday. It was Connor’s fault that Evan got arrested. It was Connor’s fault that he wanted to kill himself. It was Connor’s fault that Evan felt like he had to be Connor’s friend or he would do something terrible. It was the thought of facing Connor that had Evan jumping out of the tree and breaking his arm. Connor just needed to end all of it. He just needed to—

“Um, hi.”

It was just like that and all the negative feelings evaporated. It was a new kind of high.

“You came?”

“Um, yeah, you kinda asked me to, but, uh, sorry, if you didn’t mean it, I can go back into the school.”

“No!” Connor said, jumping to his feet. He realized how anxious he was acting and looked away from Evan. And he remembered that Evan only came because he still felt blackmailed into it. “I mean, go back if you think this is still part of the blackmail deal. I don’t want you here if you feel forced.”

Evan didn’t respond, so Connor looked up. Evan was standing there looking perplexed. Connor was messing with his anxiety. This was a terrible friendship. Connor could never do anything right.

“No,” Evan spoke eventually. He also spoke with confidence Connor wasn’t used to hearing from Evan. “I want to have lunch with my friend. Besides, I like trees. It’ll be fun to have lunch surrounded by trees.”

Connor couldn’t help but smile.



Connor lit up the joint and began smoking once Evan left. It had been wonderful. It was like really having a friend.

And Evan had been so happy and excited the entire time he talked about trees. It was like he wasn’t a kid with anxiety. It was like Connor wasn’t the kid with anger issues. It was...a temporary high.

Connor felt the weight of life come crashing down on him again. Evan having a panic attack because of the fire. Evan in jail. Evan jumping from the tree.

Shit. He was supposed to ask about the date and Zoe and if they were official yet. He was supposed to be trying to make up for making Evan feel terrible about himself, not satisfying his own desire to spend time with Evan. He was an idiot.

He hit his head against the tree as the numbness settled in. Well, there was tomorrow…



“I have a question for you—“Evan said at the same time Connor asked. “How did your date go?”

They looked at each other and laughed. Normally speaking at the same time stressed Connor out because he felt unheard, but it didn’t feel that way.

“You first,” Evan said, taking a seat at the base of a tree and pulling out his lunch.

“How did the date with Zoe go?” Connor asked, watching Evan as he took a bite of his sandwich.

“Better than the last one,” Evan said once he had swallowed. “After getting the random question out of the way, it turned into a type of game where whenever there was an awkward silence someone asked a new random question. Then it also helped that we were playing this weird board game I’ve never heard of before.”

“I’m glad it went well,” Connor said, hating how empty it made him feel. He didn’t even deserve to be friends with him. He shouldn’t be feeling jealous of his sister.

His jealousy cast a dark shadow on their lunch. This was another reason why he shouldn’t be friends with Evan. He was a terrible friend. He was unhelpful in getting Evan and Zoe together. He made Evan’s life miserable. Why was he even sticking around?

He cast a quick glance at Evan and saw his name on Evan’s cast. He grimaced. He wasn’t doing anything to reverse the damage he gave Evan. Then he tried to pretend he was even a friend. Who was he kidding?

“Um, is, uh, are you alright?” Evan asked.

Defensiveness flew through Connor. “Of course I’m alright!” He barked.

Evan had come to sit closer to him to ask the question, but Connor’s response had Evan scooting back again. Connor was angry but, at the same time, very aware of how close Evan was. Connor pulled his legs close and put his head between his knees to hide the awareness, but all that did was increase his anger.

Great, now he was going to snap at Evan. Was he going to beat up Evan? Was he going to ruin his one attempt at normalcy? Was he going to make Evan wish he were dead again? He shouldn’t be doing this what was he thinking?

“Are you, um, are you sure?” Evan asked.

His softness tore Connor apart. Evan felt like he had to walk on eggshells around him. This was a bad friendship. Connor was too toxic to be anyone’s friend.

“Dude! What is this? Therapy? Did I not say I’m fine in a tone you found acceptable? Too bad! Tones don’t even make sense!”

Connor waited to hear Evan get up and leave. That’s always what happened. Well, except for people who wanted to push his buttons, but Evan didn’t seem to be one to do that. But he never heard Evan get up.

“Um, if you’re fine,” Evan said after a moment of tense silence. “Can I, uh, ask can I the question earlier I had?”

Connor laughed in spite of his mood.

“Sure, whatever,” he said, glancing at Evan.

“Um, why can’t we be seen together? Not that I mind, I’m not looking for people to see us together either, but I was curious why, actually, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t know why I’m asking.”

Connor looked up to see Evan looking at a tree to avoid looking at Connor while fidgeting with his shirt. He rolled his eyes, glad Evan couldn’t see and possibly get offended by it.

“Imagine if your mother knew you got arrested with me, would she have been so eager to take me home on her way back from grocery shopping?”

Evan looked at Connor in shock, as if the thought had never crossed his mind.

“Or would she be glad to hear that you were sneaking into the woods with me? Wouldn’t she want you as far away from me as possible?”

“Oh,” Evan replied, before looking at his shoes and fidgeting with his shirt again.

“I don’t blame you for not telling your mom, nor do I want you to tell her, but someone’s parents had to get us out. And so they’re mad at me, especially for last week.”

“The fire?”

Connor nodded to the ground near his feet.

“Are you alright? I mean the injuries, are they, uh, healing?”

Connor pulled up the sleeve of an old hoodie and showed Evan the now bandage-free arm. To his surprise, Evan grabbed it and examined it closer. He accidentally grazed the burn with his cast and Connor pulled his arm back in, pulling the sleeve down in the same motion.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said, looking ashamed. “I just, you were on fire, it was, I don’t know, I’m glad it’s heal—getting better.”

“How about your arm?” Connor asked, not willing to meet Evan’s eyes again.

“My cast will come off soon, my mom says it should be off before homecoming. Homecoming, it’s all she talks about now.”

“That’s good that it’ll be off by then,” Connor said, thinking that then Zoe could be more open about Evan once he didn’t have the cast marking him as Connor’s friend that was the supposed druggie.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Homecoming, going with Zoe, pictures, tuxes, dancing…”

Connor stopped as his imagination supplied an image of Evan in a tux and his body gave an unwanted response to that image.

“Oh,” Evan replied.

The bell rang.

Evan quickly scrambled to gather his school things while Connor just stared at the ground trying to convince his hormones to stop raging. He looked up when he noticed that Evan hadn’t left their lunch space.

“Um, I’ll see you here tomorrow?”

Connor nodded. Committing to being around for twenty four more hours because he loved the high of being in Evan’s presence.

Once Evan left, Connor tried to push himself down, but it didn’t work. Why was he doing this to himself? Spending time with Evan when he was falling more in like with the kid every moment they spent together? He should burn himself in punishment since knives weren’t allowed on campus.

As he reached for his lighter, he looked around at the woods and remembered the flames Wednesday. It hadn’t even been a week ago. How humiliating would be to catch the woods on fire not even a week after the auditorium?

No, he needed to lie low. Get more freedom back from his parents. Then he could hang out with Evan and make sure he was happy when he finally got with Zoe.

Connor stood up and grabbed his things. Getting in the clear meant being counted as present in class. His mother would be ecstatic to hear he only skipped one class.

He made it in the school before the second bell rang.

Notes:

These are the updates you are getting today. I'll see about adding more tomorrow.

Chapter 24: Rumors Again

Chapter Text

October 2, 2018

Evan stood at his locker trying to think what he needed to take home. He was distracted because he had therapy and this had less time for everything. It made it so much more stressful to figure things out.

There was math homework, so he needed his math book. There was science reading, but he checked and it was short enough to finish in the time he arrived at school and before school started. No science book. Social studies had a research paper and so no book there. He had left his English book at home, so—

“Is this our resident Kevin Keller?”

Evan paused for a moment, thinking he was imagining the voice louder than it actually was. There was no way someone was thinking he was [the piano man]. He went back to packing his bag for the day when he couldn’t remember where he was. He pulled out his planner to look at the homework. There was math. He looked and saw his math textbook in his backpack.

“Is silence your way of avoiding responding?”

Evan looked up to see a group of people standing to the left of him, all staring at him. He got very nervous at all the attention. What did they want? Were they going to beat him up?

“Chillax, Evan,” the girl said, putting her arm around him. “This isn’t anything bad. We just want to know, what are you doing with Connor Murphy in the woods?”

“What?”



We aren’t looking for trouble

We just want to know

What’s been happening between you

I’ve already seen you cuddle



Today we saw you both enter after lunch

Leaving the boning woods

I know you want it on the DL

But we won’t tell anyone



What’s happening between you and Connor Murphy

How long have you been together



We aren’t together



We all know that’s a lie

Have you this or that?

What does he call you?

Are you a top?

How did you find out you both were gay?



We’re not gay

I’m not even his friend.

He pushed me the first day

And that was the end.



The girl pointed to his cast and raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Evan looked at the cast guiltily.



Don’t be ashamed Evan

There’s nothing wrong with the two of you

We wear our pride flags with pride

We want to know how close you’ve become



There’s nothing between us

He forced me to let him

As a weird way to apologize

It all is a weird way to apologize



We all know that’s a lie

We all know you are together

We’ve seen the evidence in the stars

Don’t bother denying he helped the background



He didn’t! I did it all myself.

I looked up a tutorial online

The similarities are coincidental

It’s Zoe I’m pursuing.



Fine keep it a secret,

But know we are behind you all the way

It doesn’t bother us if you are gay

We’ll listen when you are ready



Evan stared in horror as they left. These rumors were no good. Hopefully Jared didn’t believe them. Wouldn’t Connor get in more trouble if his parents found out? He didn’t want to cause trouble for his new friend.

His phone buzzed. His mother was calling. He was late for therapy! He shoved his planner in his backpack and closed his locker. Hopefully he had everything because he didn’t have time to check.

He ran out to meet his mother.



Jared was at Evan’s house when mom dropped Evan off from therapy to head to classes.

“Bye Evan! Have fun with Jared!” Mom called as she pulled away.

Evan stood in the driveway awkwardly next to Jared.

Jared motioned for the front door and followed Evan.

“I wanted to thank you for pulling through on the background when I bailed,” Jared said, leaning against the wall by the door as Evan dug for the house key from his backpack. “You saved my butt from getting whooped by Kassie.”

Evan nodded as he slipped the key into the door and let Jared enter before him. Jared led the way to his room.

“So, where did you learn to draw stars like that?”

“What?” Evan asked.

“You know, stars with not six points? I’ve seen you fail to draw even five pointed stars. Zoe says that those types of stars are her mother’s specialty and she knows for sure you didn’t learn it from her or her mother.”

“Oh, I looked up a tutorial online. I like the stars Zoe draws on her jeans and wanted to impress her,” Evan lied.

“That’s a relief,” Jared replied, throwing himself on Evan’s bed. “Everyone was thinking you had a date with Connor and that for some reason you’re trying to date both of the Murphy’s.”

“Why?”

“Beats me, they were asking me why and I told them, I don’t think he is, but I can go ask. If you are into threesomes, it is probably better for it to not be with people who are related.”

“What?”

“That’s a joke, you’re supposed to laugh.”

“Oh.”

Evan leaned against his desk, too nervous to sit down with Jared in his room. He wasn’t sure why he was nervous about Jared being in his room, but he was. It felt like the longer Jared was in his room the more likely he was to discover how messed up Evan was. He decided to distract himself by unloading about today.

“They cornered me after school and asked if I was dating Connor. I tried to tell them I was trying to date Zoe, but they didn’t listen.”

“You know, there’s only one way to stop that.”

“What?”

“Actually date Zoe.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Ask her on another date and kiss her. Then you see if she’s alright with you calling her your girlfriend and if you’re lucky you don’t have to talk about feelings. Instead you can just keep on kissing.”

“Kiss?!”

“Yes, Evan. You have to kiss your girlfriend. If you don’t, Zoe will feel like you don’t like her and everyone else will think you are a closeted gay.”

“Can’t it wait until, like, homecoming or something?”

“If you want to fight the rumors about you and Connor until then…”

“Are they really going to be on my case until then?”

“Yep.”

Evan sat down in his desk chair, unsure how to proceed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss Zoe, just not yet. The last date had gone well. If the next one went just as well, it would be great.

“If you want to admit to being gay, it’s fine,” Jared said when Evan hadn’t responded for a long while. “I think Zoe would like to hear it now rather than later.”

“I’m not gay,” Evan said, rolling his eyes and opening his computer on his desk.

Jared got up and moved behind him to see what he was doing. He spotted the bag of sour patch kids that Evan had been pulling red ones out of for Zoe. Jared picked one up.

Evan wanted to stop him since it was one that he was sure he had pulled all the red ones out of, but he decided that he had enough bags and it wasn’t that much work to pull the red ones out for Zoe.

He opened the internet and googled “if you have a girlfriend do you have to kiss her”.

“Are you really googling that?”

Evan looked at the results and they were all about when is the right time to kiss her. He sighed.

“If you are finding it hard to want to kiss girls, you might be gay and not realize it. Have you ever wanted to kiss a guy you were close to, like me?” Jared ask, his face all up in Evan’s face.

“In your dreams!” Evan exclaimed, playfully pushing Jared away. He was being ridiculous about all this kissing stuff.

“Hey, it was a serious question. I’d be down for experimenting, even though I’m rather straight.”

“How do you—never mind, I don’t want to hear about you experimenting with homosexuality at camp.”

“Well, I didn’t and maybe you need to so you can figure out your feelings for Zoe are platonic if you aren’t wanting to kiss her.”

“Alright, fine. I do want to kiss her, but I’m not ready yet. I don’t know how to kiss someone. I’m going to fail. She’s going to hate me. I’m just not ready.”

“Well then, let’s get you ready,” Jared said, reach over Evan to type “how to kiss a girl” in the google search bar.

Evan panicked at all the links. All these things he would have to remember when he was on another date with Zoe. All the things he would have to do right in order to not be rejected. It was a real life test, the kind he failed the most.

Jared closed the laptop and turned Evan’s chair to face him.

“Breathe Evan,” he commanded, patting Evan’s cheeks.

Evan took a deep breath and held it in.

“Don’t worry about the internet. I’ve kissed several girls. It’s not hard. I can teach you. Come sit on the bed.”

Jared helped Evan to the bed and they sat down together with Jared’s arm around Evan. Evan took several more deep breaths before finally calming himself down.

“Before we start,” Jared said, taking his arm off of Evan’s shoulders. “I need you to promise that you will kiss Zoe, if she’s willing, at the end of your next date no matter how poorly you feel this training goes.”

“Why?” Evan asked, terrified of such a commitment.

“Because, once you kiss her you will realize that it isn’t as big of a deal as you are making it. Like really, if you both like each other, being close physically is exhilarating and while the kissing might be awkward, all you both will want is to stay close.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I promise. Hormones do most of the work. Will you promise to kiss her on your next date?”

“I promise,” Evan said, hoping he didn’t regret it.

“Alright, first we will start for the clues that she wants to kiss you. She gets physically close to you, she doesn’t flinch or move away when you put your hand on her, she doesn’t move away when your faces get close together, she leans on you.”

“What?” Evan asked, feeling like Jared said way too many things for him to remember.

“Like this,” Jared said, grabbing Evan’s hand and placing it on his other hand that was resting on his lap. “You put your hand on Zoe’s hand. If she doesn’t pull away, she likes it. If she pulls away,” Jared pulled his hand away, leaving Evan’s hand on his lap, “that means she doesn’t. Got it?”

Evan nodded.

“But you will have to take your hand off her lap if she pulls her hand away.”

Evan looked down at his hand on Jared’s lap before pulling it away quickly in horror of realizing that was the wrong thing to do.

“Now those are the tips for a simple peck, but those are old fashioned things. Nowadays we make out and to know if Zoe is ready to make out, you put your arm over her shoulders, come on try it on me.”

“I thought you said that was gay,” Evan said, not sure he was comfortable practicing on Jared.

“Yes, well, we are pretending that I’m Zoe and, knowing you, without practice you are going to bail. So come on, get your arm around me and pretend I’m Zoe.”

Evan did so, feeling very awkward.

“Alright, if she doesn’t shrug you off or make an excuse to get up for ten minutes, you lower your arm,” Jared explained, pulling Evan’s hand that was dangling by his shoulder down further. “If she doesn’t mind that after five more minutes, you sneak it lower once more. You have to try it on your own.”

“Okay,” Evan said, scooting closer so his arm could go lower.

“Make sure you keep touching her,” Jared said, squishing Evan’s hand down right above his pec. “Then after three more minutes you barely touch some boob and begin to gently stoke it.”

Evan moved his hand lower and began stroking Jared’s pec.

“That’s too much, be gentler, you don’t want to startle her. Then after two more minutes, you go down further and start rubbing her nipple, or about where her nipple is. You can stroke as much as you started out with, but not more. You should be closer to my face.”

“What?” Evan said, stopping the stroking to figure out how he could have his hand so low on the girl and still keep his head close.

“Okay, Zoe will be a little smaller, but you have to put your arm around like this,” Jared said, pulling Evan so his armpit was practically on top of Jared’s shoulder. Their faces uncomfortably close together. “Okay, you got your hand on her boob, she hasn’t pulled away, and then she will look at you and you slowly start to move in towards her lips. She will lean in towards you,” Jared said, his breath hot on Evan’s face.

Evan decided he would rather be figuring this out with Connor, but then maybe not because Connor probably wouldn’t like the idea of someone’s hand on Zoe’s boob.

“And then you kiss,” Jared said, his face so close Evan was surprised their lips hadn’t touched yet. “Once you can tell she is into the kiss, you start pushing her towards the couch, bed, or whatever you are kissing on.”

“What do you mean?” Evan said, holding back his strong urge to pull away and get his space back again. He needed to do this to impress Zoe and to get people to leave him and Connor alone. This was the only way he was going to learn.

“Like this,” Jared said, surprising Evan by suddenly coming towards him.

Their lips brushed as Jared pushed Evan down onto his bed so that Jared was now lying on top of Evan. Evan really didn’t like feeling trapped under Jared. Would it be bad to be under Zoe? Was he not going to like making out?

“Except you will be on top of Zoe, just be gentle and try not to put all your weight on top of her,” Jared eventually explained.

Evan nodded.

“Alright,” Jared said, getting off of Evan. “Let’s try that again until you can do it without my prompting.”

Chapter 25: Friends Tell the Truth

Chapter Text

October 5, 2018

There was a knock on Connor’s door as he was pulling on a t-shirt to get ready for school Friday morning. He quickly grabbed the navy hoodie he was wearing now that he had burned the sleeve off his favorite shirt.

“Come in,” he replied, once the sleeve was over his offending arm.

To his surprise, it was his father and not his mother. He sat down on his bed as his father took the desk chair.

“Your mother and I have been talking,” his father began.

Connor did his best to not roll his eyes. This was usually how things went when his mom had an idea and forced dad to go along with it.

“What’s her crazy new idea this time?” Slipped out of Connor’s mouth before he could stop it.

“She’s been reading more parenting books and reading interesting forums on gender. And, um, she thinks you need a reward to motivate you instead of a fear of punishment.”

Connor stared at his father’s shoes, unsure where this conversation was heading.



Life just takes a little patience

It takes a little time

A little perseverance

And a little uphill climb

Your mom think you need a carrot

To get you to take the climb

I think it is a short cut,

but we’re going to try it out



Dad pulled out a CD from his pocket. Connor took it from him and realized it was his Phantom of the Opera CD that Connor had bought with his birthday money after his parents didn’t give it to him even though he asked for it. He couldn’t believe it.



I know we’ve never seen eye to eye on things like this

But your mom says this won’t mean you want to be a girl

It’s fine to like music and drama, even though they don’t earn money

But you have to know the line between reality and story

The Phantom is a terrible role model



Connor rolled his eyes. He knew hanging people and being an extortionist was bad.



That being said, she thinks you’re old enough now

That maybe if you don’t skip and class and, uh, do all your homework that

I can take you to New York to see the show



“What?” Connor said, realizing that was a response he had picked up from Evan.



If you put the work in school

Don’t get high as much

I’ll take you to New York to see your favorite play

Cause it’s a new way your mom wants to try to see if it will help you



“Let me get this straight,” Connor said, looking at his dad. “If I don’t skip class and turn in all my homework, you’ll take me to New York to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway?”

“Yes,” dad said with a polite nod. “Do you accept the deal?”

Connor nodded rapidly. While it might not be his current favorite play, the fact that his father remembered and wanted Connor to enjoy something he enjoyed instead of forcing him to love baseball meant a lot.

“Alright, hurry up and get ready for school,” dad said, standing up. “Don’t want any tardies on your new start.”

Connor nodded, getting up himself to pack his backpack with stuff he would need for class. He usually only brought a notebook and things to distract himself.



When the bell rang for lunch, Connor bolted for the woods. He couldn’t wait to tell Evan what had happened. Also, he knew he needed to make sure people didn’t see him and Evan going in and out of the woods at about the same time. He knew people called it the boning woods because couples went there to make out, or worse, but that never stopped him from claiming his own space for smoking a joint.

He had rolled himself a joint again before he remembered that he avoided getting high around Evan for fear that he would spew all his feelings at him, or worse try and kiss him. He slipped the joint back into his full bag as Evan entered their lunch spot.

Evan looked concerned. Connor couldn’t spew his happiness on him.

“What’s wrong?” Connor asked, coming over to Evan.

“Your parents think I’m a bad person,” Evan said.

“And…” Connor said to encourage him to keep speaking. He had no clue why Evan would be concerned about this right now.

“I have another date with Zoe.”

Connor already knew that, but he felt like he should be connecting the dots, but he couldn’t because his brain was fuzzy from actually listening to the lessons in school.

“And?” Connor asked.

“Zoe, you parents. Your parents, Zoe.”

Evan was getting frustrated. Connor grabbed Evan by his shoulders and helped him take a seat by the tree he usually sat under.

“Just eat, and then we can talk about it,” Connor said, scooting away once he realized he likely crossed the friendly barrier by forcibly moving his friend.

But then Evan pulled out his sandwich and leaned against Connor while he ate it. At first Connor froze, unused to such casual affection. His only source of affection were the hugs his mother forced on him when he didn’t want to be touched. It was weird to be casually touching, but it was nice...maybe too nice.

He was about to shake Evan off when he realized that Evan likely wanted physical touch because of whatever was draining him. He wasn’t sure if he was the best person to give it to him, especially since he knew it would make him fall for Evan even more, but this was why he was here, to help Evan heal from wanting to kill himself. Until Evan was dating Zoe and could get this assurance from her, he needed to step in.

Connor decided to accept it and put his arm around Evan. Evan responded by fully cuddling into Connor’s chest. Connor hoped that Evan didn’t realize that his heart was now beating rapidly from the closeness.

“Okay, let me try this again,” Evan said, when he was halfway through his sandwich. “I just asked Zoe on another date, but then I realized that your parents hate me. How can I become her boyfriend if her parents think I’m bad? Why doesn’t she tell them I’m alright so we can hang out without sneaking around?”

Connor involuntarily let out a sigh. He wished Evan wasn’t so close so he could come up with a clever lie that would convince Evan it was okay to pursue Zoe while still convincing him that their friendship still needed to be hidden, if only so that Evan wouldn’t have to deal with the teasing of being Connor Murphy the ‘future school shooter’s’ only friend.

“It’s complicated,” Connor said, thinking hard while his body was responding to cuddling Evan.

Evan looked up at him and their faces were so close that Connor couldn’t help but eye Evan’s lips. Connor quickly turned his head away from Evan.

“My parents are stubborn,” Connor said, leaning forward so his hair would block the color rising in his face. “I think Zoe realizes there is no point convincing them otherwise. I bet she is waiting for your cast to be taken off before she will let them know she is dating anyone so they don’t realize you are the same person.”

“Oh,” Evan said, straightening up so he wasn’t leaning so much on Connor.

As much as Connor hadn’t wanted the contact, he wanted it back. He put a little bit of pressure on Evan’s shoulders and Evan came right back and continued eating his sandwich. Connor leaned back on the tree wishing this was real and by real he meant that they were doing this because Evan liked him back and not because Evan was stressed about Zoe.

“But wait,” Evan said, suddenly sitting up away from Connor’s arm. “Why can’t we be seen at school? Your parents don’t work at the school. They won’t know we are hanging out.”

Connor folded his arms and sank his head into them. He had to tell Evan something. Why was Zoe keeping Connor from having his one friend? It was simple, he was destructive. He had almost gotten angry enough the other day at nothing to blow up at Evan. Zoe liked Evan and wanted to protect him and Connor was selfish for wanting to spend time with him because he had a crush on him.

Connor stood up and began pacing. He knew he just needed to say the words. He just needed to get this over with. Evan had another date with Zoe and they were so close to being a couple. Connor didn’t have anything to do to help. He was existing past his usefulness.

“It’s because she’s afraid I’m going to fuck up your life,” Connor told a tree on the opposite side of their lunch space from Evan. “Especially after you were arrested with me. She’s afraid I’m going to get you into drugs, fights, maybe even hurt you myself.”

“But you wouldn’t hurt me,” Evan said, surprising Connor as he tugged on his arm to turn Connor to face him. “You’re my friend.”

“I didn’t mean to, but I caught the auditorium on the fire,” Connor replied in deadpan. “Who's to say I won’t hurt you even though I didn’t mean to?”



But we’re friends, we listen to each other’s problems

We’re friends who look on the intent and not just the outward actions

We’re friends who help each other when we can

We’re friends and we try to do the best we can to show it



Friends are not a temporary fight

Friends are there to defend with all your might

We are friends who help each other be at ease

Please don’t act like you have a contagious disease



Duet

Friends are not a temporary flight

Friends will cover for you when you don’t get everything right

We are friends who help each other feel at ease



Evan

We are friends who will stick together in jail

You are a friend who is helping me end up with Zoe

Let me help you and then we can be friends



Connor

Friends tell each other the truth in all things

I can't do that, I’m not the friend you need

Just go be with Zoe, it’s what you are wanting

I’ll stay behind and smoke my weed



Evan

We’re friends, I’ll help you find a way to not need weed

We’re friends, I want you to feel like you have a place here too

We’re friends, even though we can’t be open at school

We’re friends, let me be the one to help you—

Like you helped me



Connor was on the verge of crying. This was all he wanted in a friend, someone who didn’t run away at his fucked up state, someone who would be patient and love him while he figured things out, but Evan had no clue what Connor’s problems were. Evan had no clue that Connor pinned for him and that Evan holding his elbows firmly filled him with warmth and desire. Evan would be repulsed if he knew any of that.



Nothing says I love you than listening and understanding

Nothing says I love you more than being here for you

Nothing says I’m a friend better than telling the truth

I’m here for you and all you have to do is ask



Connor could feel that Evan meant it. His eyes were focused on Connor’s. They mesmerized Connor. He could feel himself getting closer and closer. His arms grabbed Evan’s upper arms to pull Evan closer. All he knew was that he needed Evan closer.



Snap.



A branch broke somewhere, snapping Connor back to reality. He realized he was just about to kiss Evan. Fuck! Could he not control his sexual urges either?

He quickly let go and slipped out of Evan’s grip. He snatched his backpack and ran from the woods and into the nearest empty classroom. He had almost kissed Evan Hansen. He had almost kissed Evan Hansen after Evan told him he had another date with his sister and was concerned her parents wouldn’t want him dating their daughter. He wished he could duplicate himself for twenty minutes so he could beat himself into a pulp for trying to kiss Evan Hansen. He should have realized he was going to struggle with doing things to people without their consent after he blackmailed Evan to have lunches with him. It should have been clear that if he sticks around for too long he would force himself on Evan even more. He needed to end this, today.

“Excuse me,” a teacher’s voice pulled Connor from pacing. “What are you doing in my classroom?”

Connor looked guilty at the teacher holding a plate of reheated lasagna.

“Um, I don’t like spending lunch in the cafeteria,” he supplied lamely.

“Well, if you are going to spend it in my classroom, you better be doing school work if you aren’t eating.”

“Yes, sir,” Connor said, taking a seat.

He pulled out homework that had been assigned this morning, thinking about the promise he made his father this morning. Would he be able to stick around long enough to go see a musical on Broadway before disappearing? Would he be able to keep himself from violating Evan in some other way before then?

He didn’t know but figured it wouldn’t hurt to distract himself with school work now that Evan no longer would work as a distraction. If he managed to pull through to see Phantom, it would be nice.



Connor was sitting at the desk in his own room when his phone buzzed. Connor looked up from the math homework he was trying to figure out. It was a lot harder than usual because he hadn’t paid attention in math for years. He decided he needed a break even if it was exchanging insults between him and Zoe.



Alana: Can I talk to you about something personal?



Connor wondered why she felt Connor was someone she would want to talk about something personal. He was about to text her to shove off and talk to someone else when he thought about Evan. What if she was another person alone and friendless that didn’t seem that way? Shouldn’t he prove that his interest in Evan wasn’t just sexual by talking to her and helping her?

He shrugged and began typing up a response. Maybe he could let Evan go with Zoe and have Alana as his new friend to help while he tried to not get I trouble so he could see Phantom.



Connor: you can, but I can’t say I’m the best person for these types of things. I’ll likely give you the worst advice you’ll ever get in your life

Alana: lol, don’t be so dramatic

Alana: Thanks! So, as president of the student body counsel in the head chair for all of the school dance committees. When I helped in the past, I usually was assigned a specific section to work the entire time and so never had to worry about getting a date. But tradition has the student body counsel president go with their date and open the dance by dancing together, also my responsibility will be making sure the experience as a whole is running smoothly by participating. However, I’ve never been asked out by anyone and so I fear I won’t have a date to fulfill that roll. What should I do?



The speed that second text arrived demonstrated that Alana had composed the text before asking if she could ask the question. Connor was overwhelmed. He had zero experience with such things.

But Alana’s message was seeping in insecurity, he knew he ought to let Alana know he got the message and was thinking because he knew Evan used to get anxious when Connor didn’t respond.



Connor: Wow, that’s not a problem I’ve ever encountered, the needing a date part, I also have never been asked out. Anyway, let me think on it for a while and I’ll get back to you.

Alana: of course, take all the time you need.



Connor then returned to his math homework, letting his mind wander to Alana’s Problem when the math problem was too frustrating. However, she texted him less than five minutes later.



Alana: I hope you don’t find this offensive, but I would expect no one has asked you out because your gender is expected to take the initiative in such things. Not that I’m blaming you for my never being asked out or saying that someone couldn’t have asked you out, just that I’m sure there have been girls in the school waiting for you to ask them out but waiting on you because of expected gender roles.



Connor stared at the text. Was she implying that she wanted him to ask her to homecoming? It wasn’t the normal ritual. Normally the girl brought up homecoming and told the boy she wanted to go with how fun and exciting it would be and 7/10 times the guy would ask her to homecoming. At least from his observations.

There was no way the student body counsel president would be wanting the ‘future school shooter’ to ask her out. He decided that she was consoling him for never going on a date. However her gender rant made him realize that that was likely what she was stuck on.



Connor: screw the gender roles. If there is someone you want to go with, ask him/her yourself. If you aren’t interested in anyone romantically, ask someone to go with you as friends. Or screw tradition if it doesn’t serve you and open the dance dancing by yourself or with a line dance or something.

Alana: Wow, thank you for your advice.

Connor: no problem



As he finished up his math homework, he thought about taking his own advice. What if he asked Evan to homecoming when he went over to help make the poster to ask Zoe to homecoming?

His Imagination gave him an image of Evan in a tux, arms around Connor’s waist, pulling Connor close. Evan leaned forward to sneak another kiss as they danced, then it was the memory of today where Connor was going to kiss the Evan that had barely described his worry that he wouldn’t be able to date Zoe.

No, he couldn’t ask Evan to homecoming. Zoe would kill him.

Well, maybe Alana would ask Connor and he would agree to go as friends. Maybe he could pretend to be normal. Maybe he wouldn’t flip the dessert table in rage and jealousy. Yeah…not likely if he saw Evan and Zoe dancing together.

He really shouldn’t go to homecoming, especially if Evan and Zoe were going together.

Chapter 26: The Girlfriend?

Notes:

Mild sexual content

Chapter Text

October 5-8, 2018

Evan reached out and grabbed Alana’s hand during seventh period and, as she raised her eyebrows in shock, he realized he had forgotten all about personal boundaries.

“Sorry,” he said, turning to the passage they were supposed to be discussing in partnerships.

“It’s just a little unusual,” Alana said. “You seem quite a bit different from the start of the term, if you don’t mind my saying. And it’s not in a bad way, just in a different way.”

“Really?” Evan asked, not really listening to what she was talking about as his brain was panicking from touching her too intimately for their social standings.

“Yeah, but we better read the poem so we can point out the farming imagery.”

“Yeah,” Evan said, thinking about how oddly he behaved today instead of reading the passage. He had given Zoe a hug this morning when he saw her. They normally just waved. Then he put his arm on Jared’s back when they walked to their shared class. Then there was lunch. No.

No, no, no, no, no. That didn’t happen, did it? Shit. Connor ran away because Evan had been acting like he was way into Connor. What was wrong with him? Had he decided to act like what those people told him Tuesday was true? When did he decide that? He was so messed up.

“Evan, are you alright?” Alana asked, touching his arm.

Evan looked up and saw her notes on the passage and realized he hadn’t read it yet.

“Um, yeah, just a long day. I’m sorry I zoned out.”

“Well, it’s our turn first. What are you going to do?”

“I’ll say whatever you want me to say?” Evan said with a shrug.

Alana rolled her eyes and then drew a line on her notes. “Take the second half, I have the first part mostly memorized. You can read it while I’m presenting to prepare yourself.”

Of course, as it usually went with Alana, she gave a portion to her partner but then she usually did the whole thing herself. Evan felt like that was why Mrs. Everton always assigned them together for things like this.

On his way home, Evan reflected on how he ruined his friendship with Connor. In the moment he hadn’t thought too much about it because Connor frequently bailed early on lunch, but today it was clearly in response to Evan’s unusual behavior.

What was wrong with him? He was never touchy-feely. Now he was being touchy-feely with everyone. He even patted the bus driver on the shoulder as he got off the bus.

When he got to his room he opened his laptop and opened a word document to draft an email to Connor, mostly because last week he had accidentally sent an email to a teacher before he was done and it was terribly embarrassing. He didn’t want something to happen like that to happen with this email, especially since he had no idea how to word it.



Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m sorry about touching you too much. I don’t know what was going on with me during lunch. I just…”



That was all Evan could find to say, but then he realized that Connor was worried about ruining Evan. He didn’t want Connor to think he didn’t mean the part about how Connor hadn’t messed him up. In fact, Evan felt, dare he say, happier since he was friends with Connor. He felt like he belonged and without that he knew he wouldn’t be able to survive the dates with Zoe because when he panicked on the date he realized that he could be friendly enough for people to want him around because he was Connor’s friend.

He deleted everything but the greeting and was about to write about how much Connor’s friendship meant to him when he realized that would only make it seem more like Evan was into Connor. Why was this so difficult?

Instead, he started his homework, hoping the words would eventually come to him, but the document stayed minimized, forgotten when Evan climbed into bed for the night.



Zoe followed him to his porch as she usually did when she dropped him off after the date. She stood very close, and normally he could slip inside the house quickly because his mom was home waiting for him, but that wasn’t the case tonight.

“Why aren’t there any lights on?”

“I forgot to turn them on before I left,” Evan said.

“Your mom isn’t home?”

“Not this time, no,” Evan replied, digging through his pockets trying to find the house keys.

“When will she get back?”

“Her shift ends about midnight, but I’m usually asleep so I don’t know how long it takes for her to get back.”

“Enough time for us to watch a few episodes of Star Trek?”

“Um, I guess,” Evan said, finally getting the key out and starting to try to get it in to unlock the door.

He got it and stepped in, Zoe hovered on the porch.

“Do you want me to come in and join you?” Zoe asked. Was she nervous?

“Uh, yeah,” Evan replied, waving her in. He wanted to know more about the things she liked. It would be easier to do it with her because then he could ask questions.

She set up the TV and started the show and came and sat right next to Evan. Evan suddenly remembered all the training Jared had given him. This was it. This was when he was supposed to go from seeing Zoe to dating Zoe. He took a deep breath, a look at the clock, and then put his arm around Zoe. She leaned into him.

It was new, different, and Jared had been right. It was nice. It was hard to concentrate on whatever was happening on the TV because he was worried about the clock and how he was very aware of every part of him that was touching Zoe.

Ten minutes hit and he moved his arm lower like he had practiced. He felt more alert even though he couldn’t concentrate on anything. It was a weird oxymoron. All that was there was him and Zoe on the couch. The darkness around them didn’t bother him, he couldn’t hear the TV to know if it was too soft or too loud, the TV barely even registered as on. It was just him and Zoe.

The five minute mark came and he moved lower. He was sure he had gone too low because it was suddenly soft and heat began spreading through his body. But Jared had told him not to retract unless she acted uncomfortable, however he wasn’t sure if he should begin the rubbing now or wait. Three minutes passed in indecision and so he didn’t until he went even lower and then began.

He remembered thinking he hadn’t wanted to touch Zoe’s boobs, but now that he was, he really liked it. He was glad he had listened to Jared’s advice.

Then Zoe’s face was right next to his. It was too early, that wasn’t supposed to happen for several more minutes. It was difficult to breathe.

“I really like you, Evan,” she said, before she closed her eyes and leaned in.

That was the kissing cue. He leaned in, unsure how to go from here because he hadn’t practiced the kissing part with Jared. But Jared had said to rely on the closeness of their bodies to overcome whatever awkwardness came from kissing.

Their lips touched and it was weird. But then their lips didn’t stop touching and started moving together. That was nice. It was all he could think about. Before he knew it, Zoe was on top of him and they were both horizontal. He knew that was the opposite of what Jared had told him to do, but it felt too nice to complain.

At some point, Zoe grabbed Evan’s hands and placed them on her boobs. Evan’s body responded accordingly and he tentatively began to touch them. He wasn’t sure what he was doing.

At another point, tongues started to get involved. The moment his tongue touched Zoe’s it felt like an electric shock, but like a good electric shock. He could do this forever was what it felt like.

Her hand slipped under his shirt and brushed up and down his torso. He pushed her up against the side of the couch and she slid under him. He felt unstoppable now.

She grabbed one of his hands and put it under her shirt and he remembered that Jared said that he should reciprocate whatever she did to him. He took his non-weight bearing hand and ran it up and down her torso. It felt so nice. His hand did it again, lingering on her bra. He remembered Jared saying something about touching the actual skin underneath the bra and he decided he really wanted to do that.

His finger slipped under her bra and he was filled with desire for more. He pressed up against her as his hand slipped fully under the bra. She broke from the kiss with a groan.

Evan immediately panicked. Was this that she didn’t like doing this? He pulled his hand out and got on his hands and knees so he wasn’t on top of her anymore.

She said something and Evan’s brain was frozen and took a while to concentrate. While his brain was trying to turn her sounds into words, she ran her hand over his crotch. Evan froze. He didn’t like that.

“No, don’t stop, I like it.” Zoe’s words from earlier finally cemented into meaning.

Realizing he was just given permission to go under her bra once more, he took his hand and slipped it under her shirt and under the bra. This time there was no resistance from the bra. She groaned and then pulled Evan’s face back where they could kiss again.

Boob and kissing was all he was aware of until he felt something slip into his pants. At first he thought it was between his pants and underwear until he felt a hand grab firmly onto him. He pulled away from kissing.

It wasn’t that it was unpleasant to be touched, but he didn’t want it to be touched. It was just too much too fast. He just wanting kissing and boob touching. Eventually the hand let go.

“What’s wrong?” Zoe whispered, hands linked to weigh down Evan’s waist because he was back on his hands and knees.

Evan heard the garage door. He looked at the clock. It was after 12:30, his mom was home! He glanced at Zoe before standing up so she could sit up. Evan sat down as they heard the key enter the lock. They pretended to watch whatever episode was playing, paying more attention to his mom entering the garage door.

“Evan!” Mom exclaimed in surprise as she walked in and turned on the lights. “And who is this?”

“Oh, hi,” Zoe said, standing up and crossing to mom. “I’m Zoe.”

Mom shook Zoe’s hand while looking to Evan.

“The girlfriend?” Mom asked.

Evan felt the heat rising in his face. Zoe was going to reject him here and now because he was bad at making out and his mother was being too nosy.

“Maybe,” Zoe replied, looking back at Evan.

Evan sat on the couch, unsure what to do. Part of him wished his mother would disappear so he and Zoe could keep making out until they got tired, another wished he could hide in shame in his room, and the last part of him wanted to pretend like there was nothing between him and Zoe and that they were just watching TV as friends.

“Well, I think it is time for Zoe to go home,” mom said, looking directly at Evan. “Why don’t you walk her to her car, Evan?”

Evan nodded and walked out with Zoe.

“See you Monday, Evan,” she said. She left after giving him a quick kiss.



Monday morning when he and Zoe greeted each other with a hug, she asked if she could join him for lunch. Evan, who hadn’t been able to think of anything but wondering when the next time they would be able to make out again, agreed.

The bell finally rang for lunch. As Evan walked passed the door he took last week to join Connor in the woods for lunch, he felt a small twinge of remorse. He hadn’t warned Connor that he would be having lunch with Zoe, but Connor would understand that Evan wanted to spend time with his practically girlfriend, right? It wasn’t like Connor didn’t know that Evan really liked Zoe.

He met Zoe at his locker and then they made their way under the stairs, where he and Connor used to eat lunch together. He pushed those thoughts away as he downed his lunch as quickly as possible before he and Zoe got back to kissing.

The bell rang to end lunch and it was much too early. Evan wasn’t done kissing Zoe.

“How about we meet after school?” Zoe whispered when Evan went to kiss her again.

“I have homecoming committee meeting,” Evan said.

“I can wait for you,” Zoe said. “If your mom isn’t home we can go to your place or we can just park somewhere. Meet me by the parking lot?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied. All he wanted was to keep kissing Zoe. Everything else was just a distraction.

At the end of the day, Evan almost forgot homecoming committee meeting in favor of meeting Zoe early, but he shared seventh period with Alana and she caught him while he walked out of the classroom.

“Can you run this to Mr. Jacobson? He wasn’t there during lunch and I need him to get this before he leaves, but I also need to be there for the committee or they will think the meeting was cancelled. Can you do this for me, please?” Alana asked, shoving an envelope of papers into his hand.

Evan nodded, glad she reminded him of the meeting, but also a little panged at not being able to join Zoe for another hour or so.

It wasn’t a quick errand since Mr. Jacobson’s classroom was on the other side of the school of the library, but he figured that was why Alana had him do it instead of going herself.

He took a deep breath as he crossed the library to the meeting room. Everyone was going to be in there and they would stare at him when he entered. He wasn’t in the wrong, Alana would explain why he was late. He just needed to slip in and take a seat. Slip in and take a seat.

He opened the door and began making his way in when he paused. Something was off.

“Evan!” Alana exclaimed, then she pointed to the committee who held up posters with one word each on it.

They read: “Thanks for being there for me, I’d like to be there for you, please say you’ll open homecoming with me <3 Alana”

Evan froze. He almost had a girlfriend and someone was asking him to homecoming. Someone was asking him to homecoming in front of people.

The world started going fuzzy. He needed to get out of here. He ran.

Chapter 27: Death's Bench

Chapter Text

October 8, 2018

The second end of lunch bell rang and Evan never showed up. Connor just sat against the tree, trying hard not to feel the emptiness that was surrounding him.

Evan knew Connor blackmailed him to have lunch together because he liked him. Evan noticed that Connor almost kissed him Friday and felt threatened. He didn’t come today because he wasn’t sure what Connor was going to do to him.

Connor bet Evan was even afraid that Connor was going to snap because he rejected Connor’s advances and was going to show up and shoot up the school. He was going to have a panic attack tomorrow in fear that Connor was going to come and shoot the school.

He blew it, his last chance at being helpful, of being someone worthwhile to keep around. He was just hurting Evan. Also, from Zoe’s mood this weekend, he was sure that Evan and Zoe were together. He had done nothing to help that either. All he did was get Evan arrested so Zoe had to hope that dad didn’t recognize him when she finally came around to introducing him to the family.

It was time to disappear. He left the woods and headed to Ellison Park to death’s bench.

He got there and realized that he didn’t have the pills anymore. He wasn’t sure where the ones he had set aside for this purpose had gone. There were some pills he could plunder from his house, but he couldn’t go home, not in the middle of the day without his mother prying and making things difficult.

He lay down on the bench and let the heaviness of the emptiness weigh down on him. He tried to be helpful and he ruined it. He would never be helpful. He would always be dangerous and explosive. He was a drain on the universe. The only help would be to get rid of himself, but he wasn’t even prepared to do that.

He stormed off to find his drug dealer. He couldn’t go home, but he didn’t have to suffer the rest of the day sober.



Connor lay in the grass by the lake watching the clouds. They were much more interesting when he was high. They morphed quickly and seemed animated. It was like his concerns about his parents and Evan were nothing but the sound of the water moving from the wind.

He had pulled off his hoodie and was letting the sun soak into his skin. He was going to burn, but he didn’t care. He’d been on fire before.

There was a dancing couple in the clouds. Connor allowed himself to imagine it was him and Evan, but then one of the dancers left the pair and ran away. It was true. Evan would want to climb a tree and jump off if he knew Connor wanted to dance with him so he could hold him close.

Connor sat up and looked at the trees Evan loved. He wondered which one Evan would jump out of. The largest one seemed to be the one just barely not covering Connor in the shadow of its branches, but Connor thought that wasn’t right because of perspective. It just seemed taller.

The cloud Evan was on land now, heading for the tree. It stressed Connor out too much.

“No, Evan! Don’t climb the tree!” Connor stood up and shouted at the tree.

“Why—why not?” A voice stuttered behind him.

Connor turned and saw the real Evan standing there. Was it the real Evan?

“That’s—thats, uh, that’s how you broke your arm,” Connor told the supposedly real Evan, grabbing at the cast. His name blared at him and Connor shielded his eyes like his name was too bright.

The cast felt real enough. Maybe this really was Evan? Connor couldn’t figure it out and instead of stressing over it, he plopped on the ground and went back to watching the clouds. If it was an imaginary Evan, he would disappear eventually.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m watching the clouds,” Connor said. “They’re rather exciting today.”

To his surprise the supposedly real Evan came and lay down next to him, his head on Connor’s stomach. This couldn’t be real Evan. Real Evan wouldn’t do this. Then Connor had a vague recollection of Evan cuddling into him Friday. Had he been high Friday too and that was imaginary? He must have been high all Friday to think his dad would bribe him with Phantom of the Opera tickets on Broadway.

“I see a dragon,” Evan said, pointing to a cloud that looked more like a McDonald’s.

“Sure you do,” Connor said with a laugh. It was likely rude, but this Evan wasn’t real so what did it matter.

“How about a duck?” Evan said pointing at another cloud.

Connor frowned and stared. He could see where he was getting duck, but, “It looks more like a bunny.”

Evan tilted his head on Connor’s stomach to get a different angle. Connor liked him there.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Evan said.

He sounded really dejected.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Connor asked, sitting up.

Evan’s head slid into his lap.

“You were right, that’s all,” Evan said. Then he pointed to a different cloud. “What does that one look like to you?”

Connor leaned back a little to look up at what he was pointing to. It looked like a chuck Taylor about to kick the soccer ball of a cloud next to it.

“A chuck Taylor,” Connor said, leaning back on his hands.

“Oh,” Evan said. “I thought it looked like a shoe.”

Connor sat back up to look in Evan’s face. Was Evan high too?

“A chuck Taylor is a shoe.”

“Oh.”

Connor looked down at Evan and frowned.

“There’s fucked up stuff in there,” Connor said, pointing to Evan’s face. Then he realized that was the wrong thing to say. “Something’s fucking you up. Gah!” He was too high to string a coherent sentence about Evan, or was he flustered by having Evan’s head in his lap? Honestly, the feelings were rather similar.

Evan sat up quickly and gave Connor space. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“No!” Connor replied, launching his arms around Evan’s neck and pulling him in for a hug. “I want to hear about it. Friends...do that…”

Evan pulled away from the hug and Connor put his arms in his lap. That’s right. This was why he avoided seeing Evan while high. He needed to maintain professional distance.



EVAN

Friends show you they care by listening

Does that mean you still really want to be my friend?

All I do is run away from problems,

And never know what to say.



“What problems are you running away from today?” Connor asked, wishing he could have his arms around Evan. He knew part of it was selfish in wanting Evan close, but he also remembered how it helped Evan relax on Friday.

“I’m asking Zoe to homecoming sometime this week,” Evan said. “But then Alana asked me to homecoming in front of the homecoming committee today and I...just ran.”

“That’s an interesting position. You’re a wanted man,” Connor teased, elbowing Evan playfully. He then grabbed Evan’s collar and pulled him close, “Everyone wants you.”

Evan pushed him off and then started laughing. His laughter was contagious and Connor started laughing too. They both laid in the grass and laughed.

Evan rolled on his side to look at Connor and said, “I think I discovered something new about friends today.”

“Tell me about it,” Connor said, leaning on his elbow to look at Evan.



Friends are there when you need them most

Make you laugh when you think you’re about to cry

Yes, they listen and care and give their advice

But most of all they are just there when you need them most



Connor

Caring for your health and safety

Forgiving when you act all crazy



Evan

Even better they act crazy with you

Let you know there’s nothing wrong with what you like to do



Evan stood up, poked Connor, and then shouted “tag! You’re it!”

He took off running and Connor couldn’t let him win. He chased Evan, knowing he had more experience running away from things.



Duet

Friend know how to make your trouble feel like they melt away

They let you feel like you can handle life

They make life fun and worth living

Maybe I can fight another day for you



Connor couldn’t find Evan.

“We’re playing tag, not hide and seek!” Connor called out.

He had chased Evan into a more forested part of the park. He began looking up to try and find Evan. Evan needed to stay out of the trees. Connor couldn’t live with himself knowing Evan felt driven to jump from a tree again.

His brain gave him images of Evan laying on the ground with his eyes open and glassy under a tree. He shook his head. That couldn’t be. No. Evan needed to be happy.

He came up to a tree and thought he saw a glimpse of blue. He looked and saw the bench, death’s bench. Evan was trying to hide from him on death’s bench. He needed more time to think what to do.

“Don’t tell me you climbed a tree! I’ll make fun of you, if you fall!”

Evan sniggered and Connor loved the sound. He wanted more laughter from Evan. He jumped over the bench and launched a tickle attack onto Evan. Evan laughed uncontrollably as he tried to fight off Connor’s hands, but Connor was winning.

“Stop!” He eventually cried out between gasps of air to continue fueling his laughter.

Connor stopped and sat next to the bench staring into Evan’s eyes. They were so mesmerizing.

Evan continued to laugh off the previous tickles and then met Connor’s stare. It was intense, but Connor drank it all in.

“Thanks,” Evan said.

“No problem, what are friends for?”

“Well, more advice would be nice…”

“I’ll give you advice if you get off that bench.”

“Why do I have to get off the bench?”

“It’s death’s bench!” Connor exclaimed, very concerned about Evan’s safety.

“Death’s bench?”

“This is where the homeless person froze to death last winter!”

“Oh,” Evan said, getting up so rapidly from the bench that he kneed Connor in the face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Connor took his extended hand for help up as he clutched his face. “You better be. I’m used to punching back.”

Connor gave Evan a devilish smirk as he pulled his arm back as if prepping for a punch. Evan looked at him in, hopefully, playful terror and ran.

Connor caught up to him when Evan stopped by where they had been out by the lake. Connor knew it was the same spot because his hoodie was in the grass. He tackled Evan to the grass and they fell in laughs until they ended up with Connor’s head on Evan’s stomach as they both looked at the clouds.

Connor quickly realized this was a bad position for him to be in because his eyes kept wandering over to Evan’s crotch instead of looking at the sky.

“Look!” Evan said suddenly, “it’s a tree!”

Connor was about to make a sly remark about how they were in a park full of trees that it shouldn’t be that exciting, but he looked at the sky first. It definitely didn’t look like a tree…

“No, it doesn’t,” Connor said, trying hard not to laugh, but it didn’t work. He sat up so he could double over from the laughter.

“What do you mean?” Evan asked, sitting up and staring at Connor earnestly.

That caused Connor to laugh even harder.

“What? It totally looks like a tree!”

“No, it doesn’t,” Connor said between fits of laughter. “Unless you’re actually trying to reveal to me what you really meant when you said you love trees.”

Evan stared at him in horrified confusion.

Connor returned it with what he hoped was a knowing look that went from Evan’s eyes to his crotch and then back, with maybe some minor detours at his lips. He paused for a moment before doing it one more time. This time Evan’s eyes opened wide and he looked back up before covering his mouth.

“No! I didn’t mean that!” Evan said before breaking down laughing himself.

They sat there laughing for what was likely too long for the dumb joke, but laughing was so easy and natural for them. It was nice.

When the laughing died down they laid back down in the grass. Connor positioned himself so he could stare at Evan’s face as he happily closed his eyes against the sun.



Evan

Friends are the ones who make life worth living

They make it easy to laugh and let things go

Friends show they care by being there for you

They are the ones who make life worth living



Connor reached out so their fingers would touch. It was an odd gesture, but he just knew it would be comforting for Evan because it was comforting to him.

“Don’t worry about Alana,” Connor said. “She’ll understand if you just tell her the truth. Tell her you’re practically dating my sister and I’m sure she’ll have no hard feelings. If she does, I’ll deal with her.”

It earned a chuckle from Evan which made Connor smile, though a weight fell on his heart with the mention of Zoe. He tried to shake it off. Evan preferred Zoe. Connor was never in the running. His fingers subconsciously pulled away from Evan’s.

“But she asked me first, isn’t there some obligation to say yes or else you are a terrible person? What if no one else asks her after I say no? She’ll be broken hearted.”

“Dude, it’s not your responsibility to take whoever likes you. You get a say. Only go with someone you want to go with. The same goes with being friends. Don’t hang out with me if you don’t want to.”

Connor realized how hypocritical that was for him to say after he had blackmailed Evan at the start of classes, but now he wanted that truth for Evan. He wanted Evan to only go where he would be happy and only be with people who made him happy.

“You know, it would be easier to tell Alana I’m going with Zoe than to say no to her….”

“I suppose you’ve already had a hard time saying no this year. First the background and then the homecoming committee.”

“Um, Connor, could you come over and help me finish the poster for Zoe so I can ask her before school so I can have a reason to say no to Alana?”

“Yeah,” Connor said. The question caught him by surprise, but he didn’t want to stop hanging out with Evan. He grabbed his hoodie and put it on.

Evan got up and then helped Connor up. Then they began walking to Evan’s house.



Chapter 28: Therapy makes a Difference

Chapter Text

October 8, 2018

The first thing Evan did when he got home was use the bathroom. He didn’t want to admit that was the real reason he had wanted to come home, but the bathrooms at the park were gross and Evan did everything he could to avoid them over the summer.

When he got back out, Connor was laying at his bed staring at the ceiling. Was he high? Evan had never seen anyone high before so he had no clue how they would act, but something told him that staring at the ceiling as if it were interesting would be one of the signs.

“Are the clouds moving on my ceiling too?” Evan asked, sitting in his desk chair right next to the bed.

“Shove off,” Connor said, playfully pushing Evan’s face away. “I decided laying here was better than going through your search history.”

Evan blanched at that remark, remembering looking up kissing techniques and what different things meant when making out. He didn’t want Connor to know that much about his relationship with Zoe.

Connor stretched and portion of his stomach got exposed. Evan decided it was time for revenge. He jumped on his bed and began tickling Connor before he was able to finish his yawn.

Connor screamed and giggled in squeaks like a little kid would. It made Evan laugh and he tried to turn it evil so Connor would know this was revenge for earlier.

Connor began squirming, so Evan had to pin his legs down with his own to keep tickling him until Connor squealed stop.

Evan felt bad because it took him a few moments to process what Connor said, but he rolled off Connor and laid on his side watching as Connor regained control of his breathing.

He found himself staring at Connor’s mouth. Then he was getting closer to Connor. He stopped himself. His mind was messed up, like when he grabbed Alana’s hand. This was just his body adjusting to being someone who has actually kissed someone. He would be doing this if it was anyone who was near him. He was turning into a pervert. Maybe he shouldn’t have kissed Zoe. Maybe he was messed up forever now.

He remembered how awkward it had been preparing with Jared and he quickly got off the bed. Jared was helping him and here Evan was just being weird. Connor would think Evan was gay for him and was only being his friend to be creepy. He didn’t want Connor to stop being his friend. He walked around the bed to get back to his desk.

“I have her favorite candy here,” Evan said, moving the papers off the candy.

“Do you have the document we worked on last time or do we have to start from scratch?” Connor replied, sitting up.

“Start from scratch…” Evan said nervously. He never saved the document on his mother’s computer and his mother took her computer with her so it wasn’t even like he could check to see if it was still there.

“Well then, we better get busy,” Connor said.

Several hours later, the completed poster lay forgotten as they both laid on the floor and laughed at YouTube videos.

“What’s going on in here?” Mom asked, opening the door.

Connor and Evan both looked to Evan’s mom as if they were guilty of something. Evan wasn’t sure what his mom would think of Connor being over, he hadn’t exactly asked.

“Connor, oh, wow,” mom said.

Evan felt the color rise in his face. His mother was going to say she was proud that Evan had a friend that didn’t have to be bribed to spend time with him. Connor was going to know he was a loser and wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore.

“I didn’t realize you were coming over today,” mom began.

Evan didn’t like the sound of where the conversation was going so he cut in, “He was helping me finalize everything so I can ask Zoe to homecoming tomorrow.”

“Really? You’re going to ask Zoe to homecoming tomorrow? I’m so proud of you!” Mom came forward and grabbed Evan into an awkward hug before kissing him on his forehead.

Evan couldn’t believe she was doing this in front of Connor. He froze, but his mom didn’t stop.

“Making a new friend all on your own and asking a girl to homecoming, I knew this was going to be our year. This is going to be the best year ever. I told you Evan. Then next year will be even better.”



The therapy is finally starting to show a difference

You’ve learned to speak up with newfound confidence

I’m glad you pulled through and wrote a letter instead of taking action

I’m sure Zoe and Connor would agree



We’re here for you

A support team is more than family

We’re here for you

And all you have to do is ask



“Mom, stop!” Evan finally found the ability to move after being frozen in embarrassment. “Let Connor go home!”

Mom gave him a sad-happy look and then left Evan and Connor be.

Evan chanced a look at Connor to see if he would make a joke or comment about what his mother said, especially about suicide watch, but he just stood there and looked at Evan. Evan wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

“I’ll get going then,” Connor said, swinging his arms without moving towards the door.

“Uh, yeah, thanks for the help and being there for me today,” Evan said, avoiding eye contact. He meant it a lot, but he couldn’t deal with Connor knowing that.

Connor started leaving, but then turned and grabbed Evan’s arm, causing Evan to look at him.

“You would tell me if you ever felt like you did the first day, wouldn’t you? Talk to me before you do anything?” Connor asked.

Evan stared in shock. He wasn’t sure what to say. It was always an awkward conversation when this subject matter came up. “Um, I, uh, um…”

Did Connor know that a part of him felt so overwhelmed with Alana and Zoe’s expectations that he was moderately going to climb the tree to see if it would remind him and free him...or if it didn’t to let them consume him like the silent guilt pressing down on him? Would Connor really miss him or would he just report him and send him to the hospital again?

But Evan was fine now. He felt almost normal. Hanging out with a friend, preparing to do normal teenager things like go to homecoming. It was just a moment today when everything came crashing down. Like it was just a moment over the summer, not that he told anyone about that.

“I guess I’m not that important, but

Friends show they care by listening

Friends show they care by being there

As a friend, I’m here for you

Your mother may seem annoying, but she’s right

I’m here for you

And Zoe does as well. At least tell her. Uh, see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Evan said, thinking how nice it would be to relax with Connor in the woodlet after the asking Zoe to homecoming thing was over.

It wasn’t until Evan began getting ready for bed that he realized that he forgot to tell Connor he was sorry for bailing on him for lunch. He hadn’t meant to, kissing Zoe seemed more important then. It didn’t now. If he and Zoe dated, they would have time to kiss later. He would tell Connor tomorrow.

The ball of anxiety about asking Zoe that he had managed to keep caged while he was with Connor started to spread. What if she said no? What if she decided he was a loser? What if she thought he was a druggie and that was why she never stood up for him to her parents?

In order to ease the pressure a little bit, he decided he should send Zoe a little good night text. He felt it was cute and you show you care by showing you were thinking of her while you’re apart, right?

He opened his phone to see he had four unread texts and one missed call. His heart started pounding. He missed something important. Zoe hated him now. People were hating on him, what if they found out about the suicide watch.

He took a deep breath. He should let Zoe know he thought about her. Maybe some of the messages were from her thinking about him.

He looked at his phone again. Zoe’s name was next to the top messages. It calmed him down enough to open and check his messages.



Zoe: I’ll be waiting for you by the parking lot for whenever you finish with your meeting.

Zoe: where are you?

Zoe: where did you go? What are you doing?



Evan checked and it was Zoe that had called him. Then it hit him.

He was supposed to meet with Zoe after the meeting. She was going to come over and he completely forgot. No wonder she called!

Evan felt terrible. He quickly wrote a text and then read it over four times to make sure it was right before sending it.



Evan: I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I had a panic attack and bailed school and forgot that you were waiting for me. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you, but I hope to still see you tomorrow. Once again, I am so terribly sorry.



This was it. This was the end of his relationship with Zoe. He failed. He was doomed to never be able to date because of his anxiety. She was going to reject him tomorrow.

He held his phone waiting for her response. There was no way he could sleep without knowing. His mother was expecting him to ask Zoe to homecoming tomorrow. She was going to be so disappointed when Evan couldn’t because he messed things up with Zoe. Why had he even tried to date her?

He set his phone down and rolled over to look at the ceiling. He had done it because Jared and Connor prodded him to do it. He had a hard time saying no. It was a problem, especially the time Jared was preparing him to kiss Zoe. Even though Jared kept asking if it was alright, Evan kept saying it was alright even though he wasn’t really comfortable with it all. It was why he said yes to the homecoming committee even though he didn’t want to do it.

But he did like Zoe. He did want to get to know her and spend time with her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go on a date with her, homecoming just seemed like the wrong place. But he already made the poster and his mother was counting on him.

Well, if Zoe rejected him, at least he had Connor as a friend. He pulled out his phone and saw he had an unread text message. He opened it in a panic, but it was from Jared from earlier.



Jared: Zoe is freaking out. Why didn’t you tell her anything? Why didn’t you tell me anything?



What was Jared talking about? Evan typed “what are you” before his phone buzzed. He immediately opened the text from Zoe.



Zoe: yeah, sure. Whatever.



What did that mean? Did that mean she was alright? Did that mean he was on a warning? He wished he could text Connor and ask if he was overreacting. But he just left it at that and hoped everything would turn out alright tomorrow.



Chapter 29: Evan’s hope is pinned on Zoe

Chapter Text

October 8-9, 2018

It had been a good day with Evan, but as Connor entered the park on his way home, he didn’t feel happy. He felt perverted and dirty and guilty. He didn’t deserve to be Evan’s friend and he definitely didn’t deserve Evan’s mom being all happy about his being there.

She didn’t know about the arrest, unless Evan told his mom since the last time they talked, but he doubted that. His mother wouldn’t be so happy to hear that Evan’s one friend was the friendless druggie who was high practically the entire time they hung out today. High enough to hallucinate that Evan went to kiss him. Like what the fuck!

Then there was Evan’s hesitation around talking to Connor if he felt suicidal again. Connor understood those feelings, not that anyone ever directly asked him about it (most likely because everyone wanted him to kill himself and talking and being supportive would go against those goals). But what haunted him the most was the word document that held the start of a letter.

The fact that it wasn’t like his therapy letters “Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why…” Connor remembered that from Evan’s suicidal letter he obsessively read while it was still in his possession. No, it was to him. His friend. “Dearest and bestest friend, me”

Would Evan be writing his suicide letter to Connor now? Part of him berated himself for even thinking he was that important to Evan, but the rest felt it was more likely. And then there was the tree thing. Connor had totally imagined/hallucinated Evan going to climb the tree, but the real Evan never contradicted that comment. Had he been feeling suicidal again today? He hadn’t even gotten his cast off yet.

Connor realized he had walked home. He still had no conclusion on all of this...well, except for the fact that he really hadn’t done anything to help Evan. Evan’s change was all because of Zoe.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe

I just have a small part to play

Then I can get out of the way



It has happened at last

And when he removes his cast

Zoe can keep Evan clear

As Connor disappears.



Then Zoe’s car pulled up. Where had she been?

“What are you doing?” She hissed as she pulled her backpack from the backseat of her car.

Connor was standing on the sidewalk because he hadn’t wanted to face his family yet. He just looked from her to the house and back with a shrug.

“Whatever,” Zoe said, slamming the door. “Just tell mom and dad we were hanging out, got ice cream or something.”

“What?” Connor said, following her up to the garage door because he had never heard her suggest any such thing before.

“You heard me. I won’t ask you where you’ve been if you don’t ask me where I’ve been. That’s the deal.”

Knowing that the excuse he was going to give, wandering the park, would likely lead his parents to thinking he was getting high again, while it was true, he didn’t want to deal with the drama.

Without giving time for Connor to respond, she stormed through garage and into the house. Connor picked up his pace to follow, hoping to ask a question about all of this before mom came and investigated, but he had no such luck. He heard the tail end of Zoe passing the excuse to mom and then storming up the stairs.

Mom looked at him expectantly.

Connor gave her a grimace.

Mom took it as him not understanding that she wanted him to give her the same report as Zoe.

“You and Zoe hung out?” She asked.

Connor nodded, feeling that this lie was better than revealing the truth that he had been high all afternoon.

“That’s wonderful,” she said with her smile that was clearly thinking of embarrassing memories of Connor and Zoe when they were kids.

“Whatever,” Connor replied and he went to push past his mother to go upstairs. He needed to sort through his thoughts.

Unfortunately his mother put her hand on his shoulder to stop him. Normally he would shrug it off and continue upstairs, but it was time to disappear and he needed to not have them watching him closely.

“I’m glad you and Zoe are friends again, but what caused you to miss classes after lunch? Your father was furious until he gave up on you coming home tonight and went to bed.”

Connor shifted his weight, he needed a good lie. A lie that would appease his mom enough to suck up to dad to not get dad watchful angry.

“I ate something funny at lunch,” Connor lied. “My stomach hurt so I hid out in the bathroom. I should’ve gone to the nurse’s office, but I didn’t feel like it.”

“Oh, honey, you could’ve called me. I would’ve picked you up.”

“It’s alright, eventually I threw it all up and Zoe felt bad for me and took me to get some food and then we got ice cream and then it was late before we realized it.”

“I’m proud of you,” mom said. “This is amazing improvement. Other than today, you haven’t skipped a single class and have turned in all your assignments. Don’t let this bump in the road stop you from that. I’ll convince your father that this doesn’t hurt your streak for the play.”

Connor grimaced and then made his way upstairs.

His mother’s words echoed Evan’s mother’s words. Mothers being proud of accomplishing what is considered normal behavior. Connor wished he could call or text Evan right now. He wanted to let Evan know that he related so much to Evan’s struggle, except for the fact that Connor actually earned all the hate and negativity spewed at him. Evan was just ignored.

That meant that Evan was suicidal today because his mother saying that really made Connor wish he were dead. Perhaps at this very moment, Evan was typing away on that suicide letter that Connor found. All Connor could do is hope that Zoe said yes tomorrow and be there to see that Evan kept his promise of seeing Connor tomorrow at lunch. It was something that kept Connor here, hopefully it would keep Evan here. Maybe somehow Connor could reverse the damage he caused to poor Evan.

He pulled the hoodie with the stars Evan painted on it and held it close, hoping somehow Evan would know that he was too good to leave this world early.





The next morning it was dad who came and woke Connor up. This was very unusual. Connor whipped the sleep crust from his eyes as he sat up to make sure he was seeing properly that it was his dad sitting on the edge of his bed and not mom.

“Good morning, Connor,” very clearly dad’s voice spoke. “I have to go to work early today, but your mom felt I needed to talk to you before you go to school today.”

Connor gave him his undivided attention, silently wondering if this would be his last conversation with his dad.

“Mom said you weren’t feeling well yesterday afternoon, so it won’t count against you. Just be sure to get the homework due yesterday turned in before school today and the deal is still on. I know it’s only been three days, but we are proud of you. If you keep this up you can make a life for yourself.



It just takes a little patience

It takes a little time

A little perseverance and a little uphill climb

You might not think it’s worth it, you might begin to doubt

But you can’t take any shortcuts

You can’t take any drugs

You just gotta keep pushing forward

Then you will figure it out

It’s seems like the hard way,

But it’s the right way



“Have a good day, son.”

His father then leaned forward and kissed Connor on his forehead like he did when he tucked Connor in as a little kid.

Connor was still sitting there in shock after his father left. He was sure that at the start of his Junior Year he had close to perfect attendance except for in his English class because his English teacher was a jerk. Had he really fallen so low that his parents felt like two and a half days of not skipping meant he was cured?

Tears were brimming in his eyes. He laid back down hoping to go back to sleep and skip today. Today Evan and Zoe would officially get together when Evan asked Zoe to homecoming and she said yes. His head hit a zipper and he pulled the offending clothing object out from under his head to see the hoodie Evan had painted stars on.

No, Connor told himself as he dried his tears. He had to go to school today, to make sure Evan didn’t hurt himself. What if the anxiety of asking Zoe out was too much and Evan bailed? Connor needed to be there to help Evan take the final steps.

All his hope is pinned to Zoe, he hummed to himself over and over again as he got ready.

He looked in the mirror before going downstairs to face mom and Zoe. He had to get through today and then he would figure out when and how to disappear. He just had to get Zoe and Evan together and then he would disappear and Evan’s life would be better. Everyone’s life would be better, including his own.



Chapter 30: A Date for Homecoming

Chapter Text

October 9, 2018

Today was the big day. Evan double checked his appearance in the mirror in his mother’s room. She had helped him pick out his cutest and most comfortable clothes for today.

He just had to find Zoe, preferably before school started, and read the poster to her. If she rejected him, he could wait for Connor in the woods until lunch and then figure out what to do next. If she accepted him, he decided he should get flowers on his way home after therapy to give her as an apology for forgetting yesterday. Then hopefully things could get better between them.

Evan wasn’t sure when hopefully became part of his vocabulary, but it was something he could cling to. This deal with asking Zoe was going to be over in an hour or so. Then he would deal with the consequences. Step by step. Just like he wrote in his therapy letter for today:



Dear Evan Hansen

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why: I’m asking Zoe to homecoming in spite of my raging anxiety. No matter what her response, I’ll have managed something I never imagined possible at the start of term. If she says yes, I’m on my way to becoming a normal teenager and my mom will be proud. If she says no, I have done something impossibly hard and my mom will still be proud.

In the end I’ll still have my friendship with Connor and my mom to fall back on. I’m not alone. If I fall, all I need to do is reach out and someone will be there for me, like Connor was there for me yesterday when I had a panic attack.

Sincerely,

Me”



Evan joined his mother in the car, skipping breakfast because there was no way he could stomach it with all the emotions raging inside him. He would throw up instead of asking Zoe and that would be a definite rejection...maybe he wanted that. Maybe he didn’t want to go to homecoming.

“Where’s the poster you and Connor worked so hard on?” Mom asked as she pulled on her seat belt.

Evan realized he forgot it. He opened the door and ran into the house and grabbed the poster from his room. He then walked carefully back to the car. Holding the poster just so in order for the taped candies to not fall off.

“I don’t go in until this afternoon,” mom said as they pulled up to the school. “If, well, if things don’t go well this morning, call me and I’ll come get you.”

Evan nodded. He had no intention of calling her if things got bad though, he needed to talk to Connor at lunch today, whether it went well or not. In fact he was spending much more time focusing on getting to lunch so that he didn’t have to think about how everything would likely go wrong in asking Zoe to homecoming because of how badly he messed up yesterday.

He climbed out of the car and waved to his mother.

He was a terrible person. He was a pervert now. Zoe wouldn’t like him anymore...no. He wasn’t. He was just new to dating. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He followed Jared’s instructions. Zoe liked it. He just needed to survive until lunch. Connor said Zoe liked him. It would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Evan carefully tucked the poster under his arm as he opened the door to the school. It was time to find Zoe. He wandered over to where he believed her locker to be.

He takes a deep breath. Everything will be fine even if she says no. He isn’t good enough for her, the fact that there is even the slight possibility of her saying yes is major improvement. Whatever happens, there is lunch with Connor to look forward to. If Zoe rejected him, Connor would still want to be his friend.

“Evan!” Jared greeted by pinning Evan to a locker he was passing. “Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?”

“I’m not gay,” Evan immediately protested. He was caring a poster to ask out Zoe. He made out with Zoe this weekend. Where was Jared coming up with the idea that he was gay?

“Bro, you don’t have to deny it. You were practically experimenting on me when I was helping you practice for Zoe. You had no qualms pretending I was the object of your affection,” Jared said, giving Evan space, but Evan still felt pinned to the wall with Jared’s accusations. “I’m totally fine with you being gay, but I thought you would tell me sooner, you know, family friend and all.”

“I’m not gay,” Evan repeated, remembering how uncomfortable he had been with the stuff he and Jared did to practice. It wasn’t that being gay was bad, but Evan only liked girls.

“Fine, I have to wait until Thursday, loser,” Jared said, starting to turn to walk away.

“What?” Evan asked, unsure what Jared was talking about.

This caused Jared to round on Evan, with newfound anger.

Evan winced. He had never seen Jared angry.

“No! This is shit!” Jared hissed. “I saw you with Connor yesterday and you were all over him. Kassie said she saw you in boning woods cuddling and kissing. I know I’m not that important to you, but I thought you would’ve told me the truth when I offered to help you with Zoe. But I suppose the same type of advice would’ve helped with Connor. I knew I should’ve gotten the truth out of you right after I saw you eating lunch with Connor even though you denied it.”

“No!” Evan protested. This was bad. Why was everyone thinking he was with Connor just for being his friend? He had never kissed Connor. Was it because the only way they could think of anyone being Connor’s friend was if they were getting something out of it?

“Then what?” Jared demanded. “What excuse are you going to come up with for hanging out with a guy and then lying about it? I should’ve realized much sooner because it just reeks of secret gay lovers.”

“No, that’s not why,” Evan protested. It was true that he had to keep it a secret, but he hadn’t been kissing Connor. He had to keep their friendship a secret because Connor was blackmailing him and he didn’t want to have to come up with excuses as to why he hung out with Connor. And then there was the unexplainable reason that Zoe didn’t want Evan to be friends with Connor that he still didn’t understand and—

“Then why?” Jared said, giving Evan a hard look. “Why prance around with Connor and then lie about it?”

“I just, I….” Evan wasn’t sure what to say, he just let some excuse tumble from his lips. “He stole my therapy letter and threatened to post it and I knew that mentioning it to someone would get it posted and I didn’t want that to happen and—“

“Your sex letters?” Jared asked, a little too loud for Evan’s preference due to their proximity to other students. “He’s blackmailing you?”

“Shhh,” Evan hissed. “You can’t tell anyone. Please. I shouldn’t have told you. Please.”

Jared stared at Evan with his mouth open. He looked as if he were about to protest, but then he got sad? That didn’t seem right. Evan wasn’t sure what his expression was, but it was different and not defiant and not happy.

“Fine, I won’t mention it, but you better promise to tell me all the details. If it’s...well, we’ll talk later.”

Jared stalked off. Evan wasn’t sure what just happened there, but sure, he could talk to Jared later. He would have to come up with better excuses than the one he gave, but hopefully that would get Jared to squash the rumors when people talked to him. Why were people saying he was kissing Connor? He had never kissed Connor. It was dumb.

Then he spotted Zoe. It was time. Time to ask her to homecoming so he could stop worrying about it…and then worry about what he was going to do if he actually went to homecoming...no, don’t think about that. Homecoming is fun. Everyone enjoys homecoming.

The moment the people around Zoe noticed Evan, they all started whispering and pointing. Evan knew it is about him. He felt the heat rising in his face. All he has to do is read the poster. Then Zoe will respond. All he has to do is read the poster.

Zoe shooed away the people around her so it was just her when Evan arrived at her locker. She looked to him expectantly.

Evan opened the poster and tried to read it, “Don’t be a nerd and skittles me. I’m an airhead, sour patch and homecoming to…”

It was all wrong. He was doing it all wrong. All he had to do was read and he couldn’t do that, just like he couldn’t remember Zoe was waiting for him when he had a panic attack. He wasn’t made for dating. Here comes the rejection.

“Um, Connor’s not here,” Zoe replied, fidgeting with her backpack strap.

“No, this is for you,” Evan said, holding out the poster which actually read:

Don’t think I’m a nerd and snickers at me. I’m no Mr. Goodbar, but I’d be an Air Head if I didn’t see a Sour Patch in my life if I didn’t go to homecoming with a Lifesaver like you. Please go to homecoming with me.” The skittles were taped at the bottom because neither he nor Connor could figure out how to include them.

“I actually have a boyfriend,” Zoe said, kicking at the ground with her feet.

Was this a joke? She had practically called herself his girlfriend Saturday. Evan began to nervously laugh. This was her just teasing him. She would laugh and say yes.

Instead she put her hand on his shoulder, leaned forward and whispered, “I don’t know what you are playing at. I’m not going to be the girl you pretend to be straight with. It’s fine, go with Connor. It’ll be fine. No one cares if you are gay these days. It’ll be fine.”

With one last shoulder pat, Zoe walked away, leaving Evan with the poster. Rejection, because even Zoe thought he was dating Connor? What the hell? Why did everyone think he was dating Connor? Was this Connor’s way of spreading blackmail? Had Evan angered him?

His vision started going fuzzy.



I heard you had a wild night

Left Zoe hanging to bang her brother

I’m not saying who, but someone saw you in bed together

Evan and Connor, Connor and Evan



Why did you ask out Zoe when she’s clearly not the Murphy who has caught your eye?

Come on and be open, we all want to know

What’s there to like about Connor?



Is he good in bed?

Does he touch you just right?

Do you really like him?

Or are you too afraid to say no



Evan couldn’t take all the pressure. Everyone looking at him. Everyone demanding answers. Everyone thinking he was dating Connor. Everything went black.



Evan woke up in the familiar lime green nurse’s office. Instead of seeing the nurse’s face though, he saw Alana’s.

He sat up, trying to remember coming to the nurse’s office, but he didn’t. Then he realized that he had passed out. He hadn’t done that since freshman year. He failed. He relapsed.

He looked to Alana who was holding the poster that was meant for Zoe, but Zoe rejected him. If it weren’t for the prospect of lunch with Connor, he would be calling his mom and asking her to pick him up. He felt the tears well up at the realization that he couldn’t even handle rejection without passing out.

“Don’t worry, I caught you,” Alana said. “So you didn’t hit your head. I’m sorry you had a panic attack.”

“Oh,” Evan replied, looking into his lap. Of course Alana would be one to pay attention enough to notice things like that.

“It’s what happened yesterday too, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Evan replied, his face going red.

“I should’ve known better than to ask you out in front of people, I’m sorry,” she said, examining the poster. “This is a much more genius way of asking someone to homecoming. A little more personal too.”

Evan nodded, unsure what the proper response was.

“Well, I better get back to class. I only stayed until you woke up so I could say yes. I understand if you don’t stick around for the rest of the day, but I’ll text you, alright?”

Evan looked up at her in confusion.

“It’ll be alright. Sleep it off. I’ll text you later,” Alana said, patting his knee before taking off with the poster.

Evan stared as the door closed behind her. What just happened?

Did Alana think the poster was for her? Did Alana now think that they were going to homecoming together as a couple?



Chapter 31: Just hold on a little longer

Chapter Text

October 9, 2018

As soon as he made it to school, Connor separated from Zoe to find Evan to make sure he came to school today. He spotted Evan with the poster and then his heartbeat shot through the roof.

His brain fed him the memory of when Connor pulled Evan in by his elbows for a kiss before realizing the terrible mistake he was making. Then he remembered his hallucination that Evan had gone for a kiss in Evan’s bedroom. There was no way he could confront Evan before Evan asked Zoe. All his reckless mind wanted to do was kiss Evan and hold him tight and tell him that everything would be alright without Zoe and that all Evan needed was Connor.

His brain mercifully remembered that he needed to turn in his homework from yesterday to his classes after lunch before school. For once he was glad for the random assignments his father gave him hoping he would improve in school. He needed to escape the worst greedy part of himself, the one that wished he had blackmailed Evan to kiss him.

After he accomplished that task, he went to his first period early. He found himself practicing the deep breathing things he saw Evan do. Now Connor was breaking apart and having panic attacks as well.

Just before the bell rang, he heard someone whispering Evan’s name. He turned to hear the news that his purpose for living was accomplished.

“Evan asked Zoe to homecoming,” the classmate whispered until he noticed that Connor was staring at him. He immediately shut up and took his seat.

Connor wasn’t unused to that, but it was annoying because he wanted to hear how it went. He wanted to hear about how Zoe said yes and Evan’s face went to the relieved-adoration face. Then they kissed and everyone clapped. Evan walked Zoe to her class, hand in hand. Evan then went to his first period class and nailed a killer presentation, earning a higher grade than Alana.

Then Evan would be happy and no longer wish to kill himself. Then Connor could disappear in hopes of hurting no one else, driving no one else to suicide.

The bell rang and first period began. Connor passed in his homework like everyone else. This was what being normal was all about, right?

Ten minutes into class, Connor wasn’t sure being normal was worth it. Everyone was staring at him, occasionally accompanied by whispers. He could feel his temper boiling just under the surface. This was why he usually skipped.

But he couldn’t snap. He had to be good so he could be there for Evan at lunch, congratulate him, and then let him know he ought to have lunch with his girlfriend. Then at the end of the day he would go home and make a plan to disappear, like he had been planning since the first day.

Just hold on a little longer.

Then he heard it. A whisper that contained his name. He turned and glared at the offending party who immediately sat up and pretended to be listening to the teacher lecture. His hand was on the corner of his desk, ready to toss it out of his way.

Evan. He reminded himself. Evan needed Connor to not get suspended today.

He clutched the leg of the desk as hard as he could. He imagined channeling his anger through his hand and into the desk. It didn’t really work to alleviate his anger, but it got him to squeeze the desk until his knuckles turned white instead of standing up and starting a shouting match.

It’s what people wanted him to do, take out his anger on himself and not on other people or their property. Whatever. This was just a charade he had to put up with for...eight hours? Shit. There was no way he was going to last on edge like this all day and not snap.

What could he do?

He began shaking his leg as an alternative to squeezing because his hand muscles couldn’t handle squeezing that hard for that long. He just needed to get away from everyone. He honestly loved in school suspension because it usually meant he could do his work without being surrounded by intolerable idiots who thought they were so much better because they could make friends and go to school without it tearing them up inside. Why couldn’t he do such things? Why was he a mess and nobody else was?

He started making a mental list of all the things normal people could do that he couldn’t. It was effective in keeping him sufficiently distracted until the bell rang for the end of first period. He had no idea how he was going to survive to the end of the day. But he did know the next list he needed to make, the list of reasons he was terrible for Evan, both as a friend and the more that Connor craved.

Connor held his breath in the halls during the change of classes. He hated being jostled and touched and that was what happened in the halls. He needed to hold his cool.

Some freshman rough housing in the hallways ran into Connor. Everyone around them gasped. The freshman looked terrified.

Connor filled everyone’s expectation and his face hardened into a cruel expression. The freshman whimpered and then ran off. Connor glared at all of the onlookers before they would resume their between classes activities.

He shoved one of the onlookers as he passed because he hated everyone at his moment. Unfortunately, that person was Jared Kleinman.

“What the fuck! What have I ever done to…?” Jared exclaimed. He stopped in his tracks when he straightened up and realized it was Connor he was speaking to.

“I know I can fill that list with plenty of offenses,” Connor quipped back. His anger was pulsing and he wanted nothing more than to get back at Jared for all the mean things Jared did to him.

To his surprise Jared didn’t make some rude joke and then laugh and walk away. He stood up straighter like he was going to try and intimidate Connor, even though Connor easily towered over him.

“Well, maybe I have beef with you too,” Jared said, giving Connor a shove.

Was Jared really dumb enough to start a fight with Connor?



What have you done to Evan Hansen?

Why did you have to ruin his life?

How could you be so cruel to force someone to pretend to like you?

You better tell me everything



Jared grabbed Connor’s shirt.

Connor reciprocated and shoved Jared against the lockers.



You don’t know what you are talking about

I’ve done nothing, hurt no one

Don’t talk about what you don’t understand



Jared shoved Connor off of him



I understand clearly

Evan explained everything

Now he and Zoe hurt from a broken heart



I did nothing

Evan and Zoe are fine

In love and together,

The way it’s supposed to be



Liar!

All because of yesterday

And your fucking blackmail!



It was at that moment that Connor’s fist first collided with Jared. A punch right in the mouth to shut him up.

The blackmail stuff was over. Evan forgave him. Jared didn’t know anything.

Connor thought that would be enough. Teach Jared to not talk about what he didn’t know.

But as Connor turned to stalk away Jared’s fist collided with his face. It hurt. Connor stared at Jared in shock as Jared landed another punch.

It was the last straw. Connor wasn’t sure what he was doing to Jared, but all he wanted to do was hurt him.

He wasn’t sure how long it was before multiple teachers were struggling to pull him away from Jared who was now curled up on the ground.

Seeing Jared’s broken glasses and the blood dripping from his mouth and nose brought Connor back to reality. He just got into a lot of trouble. A lot a lot. So much for Phantom tickets, not that he had been planning on sticking around for seeing that happen, but it was something to push him through the days until it was the end.

The teachers didn’t let go until they were in the principal’s office. Jared was there too. Connor avoided his normal chair to sit as far from Jared and the principal as he could.

“Let’s start with Jared’s side of the story, since he should be getting to the nurse soon,” Principal Ekerds said, passing tissues to Jared before taking a seat behind his desk.

“Connor shoved me, pushed me against the lockers, and then punched me. I admit, I retaliated, but it was in self-defense!”

“Liar! You pushed me back and got in my face! You escalated everything I did!”

“Connor, it’s not time to talk. Jared, did you punch Connor?”

“Yeah…”

“Then you will be suspended. Fighting is against school rules.”

“No! That’s not fair!”

“It is fair. It is to prevent fights from escalating as badly as this one did.”

“No! Connor deserved it! He’s been blackmailing Evan! Making him do all sorts of things!”

“Liar!” Connor exclaimed standing up. The blackmail issue was over, resolved. Besides, he only blackmailed Evan to have lunch. That was harmless. Jared was insinuating something else much more inappropriate.

“Connor, sit. I will listen to your side later. Jared, regardless, you still will be suspended for the remainder of today and then for two days for fighting—“

“What?!”

“—But thank you for bringing the blackmail situation to light. I will speak with Evan to see if it is true.”

“It is friggin’ true. And I shouldn’t be in trouble.”

“That is not up for debate. Go to the nurse’s office. I will call your parents.”

Jared left the room, slamming the door behind him.

“Is it true about the blackmail?” The principal asked as soon as Jared was gone.

“No,” Connor lied immediately, avoiding eye contact. Hopefully Evan had forgotten all about it. He hadn’t meant it. He immediately regretted it as soon as he understood everything.

“Well, I will be confirming that with Evan. What is your side of the story about the fight with Jared?”

“Everyone was staring and grouping around me, I pushed Jared so I could escape, but then he followed me and got all in my face and started pushing me around. I punched him once hoping he’d leave me alone, but then he punched me several times and…”



You were doing so well

What happened to stop that?

Your parents called to talk to me

It’s sad to see such progress forgotten

I expected much better from you”



“Wait for me here. I will be back shortly.”

“Where are you going?”

“That does not concern you. If you want a shorter suspension, don’t wander.”

Connor nodded and Principal Ekerds left.



Chapter 32: I'm not a true friend

Chapter Text

October 9, 2018

As Evan contemplated whether or not he should text Alana to clarify everything, the door to the nurse’s office banged open. To his surprise a bloodied up Jared came in.

“Jared!”

“Evan?”

Jared’s face had traces of dried blood. His glasses were broken. It looked like parts of his face were beginning to swell.

“What happened?”

“I could ask you the same.”

Evan looked away in shame. He didn’t want to tell Jared that he passed out because Zoe rejected him when he asked her to homecoming. He especially didn’t want Jared to bring up the fact that people thought Evan was dating Connor because he knew that would be Jared’s response. Evan’s breathing picked up speed just at the thought. He needed to not think about it.

“Panic attack?” Jared asked, taking a seat next to Evan.

Evan nodded, glad he didn’t have to bring it up in case he spilled too many details.

“What about you?” Evan asked, but at that point the nurse re-entered.

“Evan, how are you—what happened to you?”

“Connor,” Jared told the nurse matter-of-factly.

“Connor?” Evan repeated, looking over at Jared’s broken glasses and the blood stains on his shirt.

“Happened to be in the wrong spot when he snapped. Just came at me and beat me up until five teachers pulled him off.”

“Oh my! Let me get some ice!” Nurse Kenny exclaimed before leaving the room once more.

Evan didn’t know what to think. That didn’t sound like the Connor Evan knew, but Connor did have mood swings. Did they go so far as to beat someone up? Evan realized that he had been ignoring all the rumors about Connor being violent. Were they based in a little bit of fact?

“I’m going to have to get new glasses, my mom will flip,” Jared said, examining his broken glasses. He poked one of the lenses and it shattered out of the frame. “First at camp and now at school. Stupid Connor. I wish he would be expelled.”

“He’s not that bad,” Evan said before he could stop himself.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jared said. “Did he brainwash you on top of blackmailing you?”

“I told you not to talk about it,” Evan countered. He nervously looked at his legs dangling over the bench.

“Unfortunately blackmailing is against the law and I had to say something.”

“What?” Evan asked. This was bad. If Connor was mad and then was reported for blackmailing, Evan’s secret about being in suicide watch would be everyone’s news shortly. “Please, don’t tell me you said something about it to him. He’ll tell everyone!”

“Who will tell everyone what?” Principal Ekerds’ voice came from the door. Evan looked up, it was really the principal. His heart rate picked up.

The school nurse bustled in past the principal and gave Jared some ice.

Evan paled and looked to the floor. He was in trouble. He started swinging his legs faster and faster as his breathing picked up pace.

“Evan, calm down,” the nurse said, grabbing both of Evan’s knees. “You aren’t in trouble. If you want, I can call your mom to come and pick you up after a quick chat with the principal.”

Evan gave a non-committal head wiggle as he started counting. He wasn’t in trouble. Then why did the principal want to talk to him? He couldn’t figure it out.

“Jared, your parents are here. Nurse Kenny will see you out.”

Jared hopped from the bench, gave Evan a nod, and then head out the door with the nurse. While Evan managed to get his breath under control, but there was no hope of keeping his legs from swinging nervously.

“Just like nurse Kenny said, you aren’t in trouble, but I need you to tell me about what you were talking about with Jared. Who is going to say what about you if you don’t do what?”

“Nothing,” Evan lied. Connor deleted the picture. They were friends now, there was no risk that he would say anything to anyone.

“Are you sure?” Principal Ekerds asked.

...but if Connor was angry, might he slip up and say something about suicide watch?

“Jared was under the impression that Connor is blackmailing you. Is there some truth behind this statement?”

“Um, kinda…” there was some truth behind the statement, but there was nothing left to worry about.

“What’s true?”

“You see, the first day, he signed my cast,” Evan pointed to Connor’s name and words just kept coming out. He couldn’t figure out how to explain everything that happened. “He said we would pretend to be friends, my letter in the computer lab, Connor. Um, then we were in the bathroom. I just. I just, it’s fine. It’s all over. He deleted the picture.”

“Did Connor take a piece of information about you or a picture of you and hold it over your head if you failed to do something he wanted you to do?”

Evan didn’t want Connor to get in trouble, but he also couldn’t lie to the principal.

“Um, yeah…?” Stumbled out of his mouth.

The principal’s face hardened. He must be getting angry, which meant Connor would be in trouble. Evan couldn’t let the principal get Connor in trouble for this. Connor was his friend.

“No! It’s fine! We worked it out. Connor and I are good now,” Evan tried to explain to Principal, but it didn’t sound like the principal wanted to hear anymore.

“Thank you for telling me. I will make sure Connor can’t do anything about this.”

“No, we’re friends!”

“Friends don’t blackmail their friends,” Principal Ekerds said and then left the room as if that was that.

Evan began pulling at his cast, staring at Connor’s name. It had been so long ago. It felt like a different Connor and Evan had been there in the computer lab. They knew each other now and they hung out and laughed at YouTube videos together. All the wrongs from the first day were overcome with all the good things that Connor had brought into his life instead. What would happen to Connor?

Images of Connor being arrested again filled his mind. Connor going to jail alone and having no escape because of Evan. That wasn’t right. Connor wasn’t doing anything bad or wrong now.

For the first time that day, Evan knew what he needed to do. He needed to tell Principal Ekerds that Connor wasn’t in the wrong. He needed to defend his only real friend.

With strength he never knew he had, Evan got up. He exited the nurse’s office and took a deep breath. He needed to do this. He needed to defend Connor. Connor needed him, his anxiety be damned.

But then his mother appeared at the front desk, blocking Evan’s path to the principal’s office.

“Evan! I’m so sorry for putting so much pressure on you about asking Zoe to homecoming. Come on, let’s go home.”

Evan looked to his mother and then down the hall towards the principal’s office where Principal Ekerds was ushering in some adults into his office. He needed to defend Connor, but his mother was there. Also, Principal Ekerds had likely already given Connor his punishment. Evan must have taken too long to get there because now Principal Ekerds was meeting with other people.

A small thread of the courage he felt earlier pulled him towards the principal’s office, but the stronger pull of comfort of his mother’s presence and the awkwardness of leaving his mother to barge into the principal’s office kept him there next to his mother. He wouldn’t be able to explain it any better. Principal Ekerds always stressed Evan out. There was no way Evan would be able to convince them that Connor didn’t need to be punished.

His mother took his hand. He let himself be led out of the front office and towards his mom’s car. He looked back and hoped that Connor would be alright. He hoped that whatever the principal did to punish Connor for the blackmail really wouldn’t be all that bad. Connor was always in trouble after all. What did it matter if he was in a little more trouble?

Half the drive passed in silence until his mother finally broke the silence.

“Did you actually make it to asking Zoe to homecoming before the panic attack?”

“I asked Zoe and she said no.”

“Oh,” mom said. “Really? That girl who came over Saturday?”

Evan nodded.

“Well, her loss. Do you want me to call in sick today?”

Evan shook his head. He didn’t want to put his mother’s job in trouble.

“Want to pick anything up from the grocery store before we get home? Ice cream? Chocolate? Pizza rolls?”

Evan shook his head.

“Alright, feel free to call me if you want me to come home early. I’ll keep my phone on me today. I’ll leave the moment you need me. Regardless, I’ll still come and pick you up around three to see Dr. Sherman, alright?”

Evan nodded, glad he had his letter completed already. He did not want to write about what he was feeling right now. He wanted no one to know how he was feeling right now. The optimism of his letter would make an easy cloak to hide how he was really feeling.

He went to his room and shut the door. He picked up the letter on his desk and reviewed it. This was the self he was going to stick to for therapy. He was not going to end up in suicide watch again.

Evan reread the line: “in the end, I’ll still have my friendship with Connor.” There was no way Connor would still consider Evan his friend after today.



It’s someone who will seek him out

To sit by him and talk about

Everything and anything

From future plans to crazy dreams

Wouldn’t that be nice?



Evan had never done any of those things for Connor.



I should’ve listen to him talk about musicals

Instead of invading his space with tickles

I never learned music to the Phantom

So we could sing along to the album

I’m a terrible friend



We have no inside jokes after a month

We’ve only discussed my crush, on Zoe

He’s only been a good to me

I’ve been as helpful as a leafless tree



[love/friendship]

Friends stand up and defend

Friends don’t stand by and let others offend

Friends value friendship over being condemned

I’m not a true friend

Chapter 33: Consequences

Chapter Text

October 9, 2018

“Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, thank you for making it here on such short notice,” Principal Ekerds greeted as Connor’s parents came and sat in front of him.

Connor wasn’t sure if this was just going to be about the fight or if this was going to be about the blackmail. Well, if it was up to Evan, then Connor could see how much he really mattered to Evan. After yesterday, he felt his chances were pretty high for nothing to happen.

“When I first called you, there was only one concern that I wished to discuss with you. Since then, another more serious matter has come to my attention.”

That didn’t sound good.

“What has he done this time? Is there something else that we need to pay for to be fixed?” Dad asked.

“No, from what I can tell, the fight was caused by both parties. The other matter, however, is more serious. As of right now, Connor is suspended indefinitely. As soon as I have more concrete evidence, he will be expelled.”

“What did he do?” Mom asked, clearly horrified.

“He has been blackmailing another student. The with what and the to do what have not been determined, but it is a serious matter. From what I can tell it was pictures in the bathroom to get the victim to do whatever Connor wanted them to do.”

“What?” Mom exclaimed, stunned.

Dad looked at Connor like he was worse than mud on his clean floors before a House party.

“No!” Connor protested. “That wasn’t what happened at all!”

“Oh, are you now going to tell the truth instead of denying that something happened?” The principal asked in the most condescending way.

“It was a letter, I took a picture of a letter. It wasn’t anything inappropriate!”

“What did you ask him to do?”

“Pretend he was my friend,” Connor mumbled, thinking saying that he told him that he wanted to have lunch with him every day sounded a little more gay than he wanted to admit in front of his parents.

“First off, I would have been more lenient towards you if you would have come forward with this information when I first asked. Second, that is still very inappropriate. And third, the letter was written by the victim on the first day of school?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I did not realize you would go so low as to threaten to publicize a cry for help of a suicidal student.”

His mother gasped.

“I thought he was telling me...to kill...myself,” Connor said, realizing how stupid that sounded.

“I do not accept that flimsy excuse,” Principal Ekerds said, before turning his attention back to Connor’s parents. “Now, I would like you to escort your son to his locker to collect the last of his personal belongings. His textbooks you can drop off in the library. I will alert the librarian to expect you.”

“Thank you for your more than abundant patience with our son,” dad said, standing up to shake the principal’s hand. “Sorry for causing so much trouble in your school. I don’t know where we went wrong, but we appreciate everything you’ve done.”



Within five minutes, they were back in the car heading to the house. The silence was tense and for once Connor had no desire to break it.

He had been bad in blackmailing Evan, but he thought they had gotten over it, that they were good. But he wasn’t. It was just proof that Connor had been hurting Evan even though he thought he hadn’t been. He was cruel and had hurt Evan beyond repair. Well, good to know Evan wouldn’t miss him.

He should’ve realized that the letter was something really personal that Evan might not ever get over being used against him. And they didn’t believe him when he said he thought Evan was telling him to kill himself. They didn’t even listen.

“Needless to say you are grounded. Give your phone to your mother once we get to the house,” dad said, finally breaking the silence. “We will have to start looking for private schools who will take you. Perhaps we’ll find a boarding school.”

“Can’t wait to get rid of me,” Connor said.

“Don’t say that, Connor,” mom censured.

“Just being honest.”

“Well, clearly we aren’t doing good enough to keep you out of trouble, perhaps a boarding school will help,” dad said.

“I don’t think boarding school is a good option,” mom said. Connor immediately knew they were going to have a conversation as if Connor wasn’t present.

Connor crossed his arms and looked out the window. He was past hope. The boarding school wouldn’t fix anything. There was no way to fix him. He completely pulverized Jared Kleinman because he was having a bad day. At least he was someone who deserved it.

“You think a private school is going to accept him when he gets suspended every other week? The only hope is a boarding school that specializes in behavioral problems. Maybe they can succeed where we’ve failed.”

“We haven’t failed.”

“What, are you going to tell me you intended our son to become an extortionist?”

“He’s not an extortionist!”

“He’s close. Then he keeps getting into fights or destroying things? He managed to accidentally catch the auditorium on fire. He wasn’t even high!”

“Being high isn’t the worst thing someone can do. He’s moved from cigarettes to pot, which is much healthier. It’s legal, if he were older.”

“It’s still illegal on the national level. It still leads to dumb decisions. It’s still not good for him to be doing. And that wasn’t the point, the point was he still acts like an idiot even without the aid of mind-altering substances.”

“Don’t call him an idiot!”

“I didn’t! I specifically said acts like an idiot because you get on my case about it every time. I’m going to look up boarding schools when I have a spare moment at work. If you want him to go to a private school, you will have to look up to see which ones take misbehaving hooligans.”

“Don’t call him a hooligan!”

“It’s better than calling him incurable.”

“But that’s what you think.”

“I think we’ve over extended ourselves and need someone else to step in where we failed. Now get out, I need to get to work.”

Mom got out without another word. Connor followed quickly, not wanting to end up at work with his father. While he was supposed to give his phone back to his mom, mom didn’t seem to want anything to do with Connor, so he went upstairs to his room.

He threw himself down on his bed and looked at the ceiling. It was time for the end. He helped Evan far enough to get him to ask Zoe to homecoming, but clearly he wasn’t anyone Evan wanted around if he told the principal about the blackmail after Connor deleted it. Too bad he chucked out those pills the other day. Now he would have to sneak to get the pills and then sneak out of the house.

He couldn’t do it today. His dad would go looking for him tonight because he wasn’t done lecturing Connor. He had to wait for the right time.

Instead, he pulled out his lighter.



There’s a path in the park

That’s Home to the lost

Where the outcasts society wish were gone go



A place to hide as time slides

Passing the evil from everyone’s lives



What does it mean to be a friend?

I never learned what it really meant

I could never learn those skills

It wasn’t meant for me



A friend shows they care by listening

A friend shows they care by…

Apparently I was all wrong

Or just don’t know what it means to actually do those things



The pathway in the park

Is the last place to mark

The last place to rest

As I failed the test

Of life



This phone buzzed as he began to doze off that night. He was confused. No one texted him now that Evan’s number was blocked. He saw the texts were from Alana and opened them.



Alana: Everything is going to be fine. I hope you feel better soon.

Alana: Good night <3



Alana must have clicked on the wrong name before sending those messages. Hopefully she figured it out on her own and Connor didn’t have to say anything. That would be too awkward to have to tell her that she accidentally sent the heart emoji to Connor Murphy, the future school shooter. If he ignored it, everything would be fine.

A few more days and it would all be over. He just needed to wait until his parents weren’t breathing down his neck anymore.

Chapter 34: Viral

Chapter Text

October 10, 2018

The alarm on Evan’s phone went off. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go to school today. It would be easier to pretend to be sick than deal with the mess at school today. Connor’s anger at Evan not defending him and then the rumors about Evan dating Connor. Of course, if Connor beat Evan up like Jared in front of everyone, no one would think they were dating anymore…

Then there was the fact that Alana had thought the poster was for her and that she and Evan were going to go to homecoming together. Did she think they were boyfriend and girlfriend like Evan had erroneously thought of him and Zoe? How could he deal with that if he couldn’t even tell Principal Ekerds that Connor wasn’t bad for blackmailing Evan? He couldn’t talk to people. He wasn’t capable of being a good friend.

On top of turning Connor in for doing nothing wrong, he had been too physical with Connor, which was likely where the rumors came from. It was the same thing that lead Alana to thinking that he liked her. Why was he so messed up? All he had done was kiss Zoe. Why did that turn him into some weird pervert that wanted to touch people too intimately for what was appropriate? Especially when he couldn’t recognize it until it was too late.

He traced the letters of Connor’s name on his cast. It was impressive that Connor hadn’t spread the rumor sooner. All Evan did was ask things of him and talk about himself. He had no clue anything about Connor except his music preferences. The rumors would hurt Connor’s chances at being with whomever he liked…except Evan didn’t know who that was because he was a lousy friend.

This was how everyone was going to know about the suicide watch. Eventually someone would be brave enough to confront Connor to confirm the rumors about their dating and then Connor would say they weren’t dating and that he only tolerated Evan’s weirdness because Evan had been on suicide watch and while Connor wasn’t the best person, he was still human enough to care about wanting to keep people from killing themselves.

Then everyone would know and come and talk to Evan, but it wouldn’t be because they wanted to know Evan it would be because society told them they had to care about suicidal people in order to prevent them from killing themselves because that was determined as the wrong thing to do. It wasn’t a good rule. What about all the people who couldn’t do anything with their lives? People who were doomed to be a failure the rest of their life? Or even people who saw themselves turning into the bad guy? Turning into a pervert who was too cowardly to do anything.

He stroked his cast. If only he hadn’t failed, he wouldn’t have started to be a problem on top of just being a burden. It was just something else he couldn’t do right. He needed to find a better way, a way that even he couldn’t fail.

His phone buzzed and Evan jumped. It had made a rattling noise that reminded Evan of a rattle snake even though his phone was just on his pillow. Why was he so skittish? Why did everything scare him? Why was he so paranoid? Why did such small things mess him up? Why couldn’t he be normal?

He looked at the text.



Zoe: I just got tagged in this video online and I immediately requested that it was taken down. I’m so terribly sorry this video even exists. I tried to have our interaction be as private as possible. But it’s out there right now and I thought I should warn you.



The text included a link to a video. Evan clicked the link.

It was a video of Evan and Zoe. A video of Evan messing up so terribly in asking Zoe out. A video that already had three hundred views. That was about the number of people in his graduating class. There was no way he was going to school today.

Shame spread in a heat wave across his body. Everyone at school was going to see this. Everyone would know he was an idiot. Everyone would think he was gay and it would ruin his chances with any other girl in the future. There was no way he could ever show his face at school again.

Good thing he already ruined his friendship with Connor so there was no reason to worry about letting someone else down. It would be easier this way. But if Connor had only been nice to him because he discovered Evan’s therapy letter was real, wouldn’t Connor feel bad about Evan disappearing? Or Zoe worry that her rejection was what pushed him over instead of his inability to function as a normal human being?

No, he needed to do something, something like his therapy letter. He started coming up with ideas of what to write while he opened his computer.

Dear Evan Hansen,

This life is such a mess, things are much too hard for someone like me. I can never be what anyone needs me to be. I can never do what is expected of a decent human being.



Mom, you’ve done everything you could have done, don’t blame yourself.

Zoe, I was the one who hurt you, don’t think you hurt me.

Connor, I never could be as good a friend to you as you were to me. I’m sorry I betrayed you



He opened the folder where he saved his therapy letters, planning on opening one and saving it with a slightly different title when the name of one of the files stood out. It wasn’t a date like the rest of them. It said “Dear Connor Murphy” instead.

Evan opened it without thinking and saw simple “Dear Connor Murphy” at the top. There was nothing else to give any indication why it was there in the first place and Evan couldn’t remember writing it or saving it, but it seemed to be the proper place to write such a letter. It was like his computer knew what he needed and created it for him.

Evan wasn’t supposed to write his suicide letter to himself, he was supposed to write it to someone and Connor was to be that someone. Connor, the friend who did everything for Evan when Evan hadn’t even lifted a finger to listen to or help. The friend he left to the wolves when Jared told Principal Ekerds about the blackmail incident.

He began typing and the words seemed to flow even better.



I never meant to make such a mess

I never thought I had that stuff in me

I never knew how empty it would all feel

When I ruined everything.



This is the way things were meant to be

A world without Evan is the world for me



Words fail. Words fail.

I have no clue what to say.



The door to his bedroom opened and Evan quickly minimized the document and opened his web browser to some random social media page. He immediately regretted it when he saw the video Zoe had linked earlier as the most popular post. He immediately closed his laptop.

“How are you feeling, Evan?”

“Uh, not well,” Evan replied with a snivel.

“Don’t feel up to school?”

Evan shook his head, hoping she wouldn’t start trying to throw medicines at him. Hopefully she could tell that he had been crying already.

“In all honesty, I’m feeling not good myself,” mom said. “I think I’m going to miss school and work today. How about we have a movie marathon in my room since we both need to rest?”

“Uh, sure.”

I’m here for you

If all you need is a tissue and some Tylenol.

I’m here for you,

When days seem dark and light seem at the end of the tunnel.

I’m here for you,

Please don’t forget to ask.”



Evan closed his computer and grabbed some blankets before heading downstairs to his mother’s room. He climbed into his mother’s bed and realized she had made some of his favorite instant oatmeal for him.



EVAN

Loved ones say they love you by remembering your favorite things

Loved ones show you their love by small and simple things



He leaned against his mother as she started the first movie.



Duet

I’m here for you

Cuddles and some laughs go a long way

I’m here for you

Stormy weather is nothing against the strong words of I love you

I’m here for you

And sometimes you don’t need to ask



Simple words, like I love you mom

I love you too



Simple actions like spending time with me

I’m sorry I’m not better



Loved ones show their love in small ways.

Simply actions each day to say that I love you too



They both fell asleep at some point. Evan awoke to the music of the main menu of a movie he didn’t remember starting. The sun was setting and his mom was still there, albeit she was asleep.

He would never vocalize it because he knew she would suddenly feel the need to quit either school or work to do things like this more often, but it really meant the world to him to see that she was still there, that she spent an entire day with him. He really wished it would continue, but he knew it couldn’t. He knew it would go back to her being unable to answer calls and be there.

Since he didn’t want to disturb his mom, he checked his phone and saw a message from Zoe and Jared.



Jared: Evan, my man, you are now internet famous! 1 million views! Man, I wish I had been there.



Zoe: the person refused to take it down and it ended up on reddit. I’m so sorry. I don’t even want to tell you how many views it has. This is so embarrassing!



Evan’s heart sank.

“What’s wrong?” Mom asked.

Evan stared, he hadn’t realized she had woken up.

“Uh, nothing,” he lied.

“You can tell me, I’m here for you.”

Evan didn’t really want to show her, but she held out her hand. He passed his phone over to his mom. He watched as she clicked the link and started watching the video. He cringed as he heard himself stumble over the words. Then the video stopped. She didn’t watch it to the end. Evan was relieved, he didn’t want to hear or see it ever again.

“Did they tell you they were filming?”

Evan shook his head.

“I’m fairly certain they can’t do this. I’m going to see about that and see if I can get it taken down,” mom said, pulling out her laptop.

They started another movie and continued the marathon until his mother decided it was finally time for bed because she needed to work tomorrow. When Evan returned to his room, he opened his computer and closed the document he had been working on this morning without saving the changes.

Everything was going to be alright. He would just skip school until all of this blew over. People had a hard time remembering things much past the week they got big, right?

He looked at his cast. Connor’s name blaring at him. He would still have to face Connor…and Alana. He wasn’t sure he could face those things, but he could worry about that when the time came…

He immediately regretted deleting that document. He searched through the directory to see if he could reclaim the lost file before going to bed. He would hold on to it just in case.



Chapter 35: Advising Alana

Chapter Text

October 10, 2018

Connor lay there staring at the ceiling. Time was passing so excruciatingly slow. Mom was still avoiding him and dad didn’t finish lecturing him last night, so he had to wait and stick around because dad had to finish lecturing him tonight.

It sucked. He wanted life to be over with already. He didn’t want to listen to another lecture on how difficult it was going to be for his parents because he had gotten himself expelled.

Part of him wished he could go hang out with Evan, but that was out of the question. Evan was done with him. Evan likely never liked Connor and just pretended in fear of Connor spreading the letter around.

His phone buzzed. He realized he still hadn’t surrendered it to his mom. He better not let dad find out or he would be pissed. He looked at it and it was Alana again.



Alana: Missing you at school. Are you alright?



Oh great, she hadn’t realized that she was texting Connor Murphy. Connor realized it was the middle of the day, maybe it wasn’t Alana? She didn’t seem one to text during the school day, but then he realized that it was lunchtime and it was technically permissible to use your phone during the lunch hour.

Since he really didn’t want to say, this is Connor Murphy, he tried to say something that she would obviously realize wasn’t the person she was meaning to text.



Connor: I got expelled. I won’t ever be back at school.



To his surprise she texted back almost immediately and seemed to not get his major hint that she was texting the wrong person.



Alana: What did you do to get expelled? Isn’t that rather hard to do?

Connor: Not when you’re me. It’s more a surprise it didn’t happen earlier.

Alana: You’re not a bad person. Why do you think you would have been expelled earlier?



His technique wasn’t working. Alana was not getting that this wasn’t who she thought it was. He didn’t want to come out and say who he was. That would be too embarrassing for himself.



Connor: Who do you think this is?

Alana: Evan Hansen?

Connor: Nope.



Before Connor could tell her to fuck off, she began sending tons of messages all of a sudden.



Alana: Shit

Alana: Double Shit

Alana: Who is this then?



Connor stared at his phone. Alana saying shit? That didn’t sound right. Either something was wrong or this was someone else.



Alana: Nevermind, you gave good advice before, hopefully you can give me some advice on how to navigate this mess that I got myself in. I’ll put all the information in the next text. Hold on.



Connor decided that he didn’t have anything else better to do, he might as well not tell Alana to fuck off just yet. Besides, she had thought that he was Evan. Wait, she said Evan wasn’t at school. Why hadn’t Evan gone to school?

He looked back at the texts she sent. Yesterday she did say something about Evan not feeling well, but then she meant to send Evan the heart emoji? What was going on?

Connor felt like Evan mentioned something about Alana on Monday, but he was too high to remember what it was. It was likely something to do with homecoming committee because they were on that together. But honestly, Connor had no clue. All he could do was wait for Alana to explain everything.

It was a few more minutes before his phone finally buzzed. And it was a novel of a text.



Alana: So this all starts with the day I texted you about my concerns about opening the homecoming dance. In English class, Evan grabbed my hand. I felt like he cared about me and so I texted this number to see if he really cared. You gave a thoughtful answer that when taken in conjunction with the hand holding seemed to be telling me I wouldn’t go wrong if I asked Evan to homecoming. Unfortunately, it gave him a panic attack and he ran away. I assumed it was because I asked him in front of other people without giving him a warning.

Then I saw him yesterday with a cute thoughtful poster with candy bars and I assumed it was his way of making up for running away. But then he passed out when he got to me, so I assumed he was having another panic attack for the pressure of asking me to homecoming. After I got him to the nurse’s office and made sure he was alright, I said yes and took the poster. Today Walt showed me this video at lunch which shows Evan trying to give the poster to Zoe, but she turned him down. This means Evan never meant to ask me to homecoming and I just assumed and he is likely to afraid to tell me he doesn’t really want to go with me. What do I do? I can’t return the poster because I already started eating the candy. Do I just tell him everything and that I was sorry and that I’ll go with someone else? Do I just go along and see how things go and pretend I never realized I made a mistake?



What the hell? Video? Zoe turning Evan down? Alana has a crush on Evan? Evan passing out at school? Evan not being at school? Evan who had actually been in suicide watch for himself?



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

All his hope is pinned on Zoe



Zoe rejected Evan? This had to be bad. Evan might be going suicidal.



Connor: What video are you talking about? What do you mean Zoe turned down Evan’s poster asking her to homecoming?



If Zoe said no, his heart must be failing

A broken heart, alone and forsaken



Evan’s lifeline to life was Zoe

Without her he will sink to the deep blue

He’ll climb a tree and wish he never was

This can’t be!



Alana: Zoe came by and told Walt off for sharing the video. She doesn’t want anyone to see it, so I won’t share the link with you. Zoe has a boyfriend. Of course she would turn down Evan.



Zoe has a boyfriend? Last Connor checked she had only gone on dates with Evan, the most recent one being this past weekend. What the fuck?

If Zoe was here, he would barge into her room and ask, but he supposed he could just ask Alana.



Connor: Who is Zoe’s boyfriend?

Alana: I actually don’t know that. I don’t really know Zoe. It’s just that she said she had a boyfriend in the video when she turned Evan down. Lunch is over, so I won’t be responding, but please let me know what you think about my situation with Evan. I feel so bad and I don’t know what to do.



Evan’s hope is pinned to Zoe

And she cut it right off

All his hope is pinned to Zoe

And it’s failing to stick



Evan must be hurting

Alone in his empty house

I hope he doesn’t feel like falling

I can’t let him take the dose



He can’t be gone

He is supposed to stay

The innocent and pure angel

Was never meant to feel this pain



Connor had to find Evan.



Connor snuck downstairs to see what his mother was up to in order to know how best to sneak out of the house.

“Connor, is that you?” His mother asked from the living room.

Connor knew he would be able to sneak out easier if he presented himself.

“Uh, yeah,” he said, moving where his mother could see him over the magazine she was reading.

“What are you up to?”

“Um…”

Connor had no clue what to say. He was either burning himself or staring at the ceiling. His life had descended to a new low.

“You can go out to the park,” mom said. “Take your phone and be sure to be home before your father gets here. I’ll text you if he plans on coming home early.”

“Um, okay,” Connor said, moving to the front door. He hadn’t been expecting that, but it happened a few times last spring. Of course that was how he got into heroin, but he supposed his mother didn’t realize that he got drugs in the park. But he wasn’t going to complain because this meant that he could go to the park and see if Evan was there trying to climb another tree.

Connor made his way to death’s bench, sure that its macabre story would draw Evan to it if he were thinking of killing himself just like it did for Connor. He was sure of it.

He got there and it was empty. He began pacing, his nerves through the roof. He reached in the pocket he usually kept weed, but pulled it back. Not only did he not have any, but he also realized he needed his senses about him if he was going to save Evan.

He sat down on the bench, all fidgety. He pulled out his phone and checked social media, but there was nothing for him there. Then he checked his texts and saw the messages from Alana. He decided he would first distract himself with giving Alana some advice. Hopefully he could help her with his knowledge about Evan to help alleviate the torment Evan was going through.



Connor: First off, do you have a crush on Evan? Were you wanting to go to homecoming as a date with him? If so, you should tell him that when you talk to him one-on-one about the poster fuck up, and yes, you should just tell him that you mistakenly thought the poster was for you. If not, you should figure out whether or not you actually wanted to go to homecoming or if you were just caught up in the pressure of going to homecoming. Offer to go as friends or not go together at all. There’s no reason for you to go to homecoming with someone you really don’t want to go with.



Still no sign of Evan. Connor took out his knife, but then he realized that would be a bad example for Evan if he found him. Instead, he opted to take laps around the park, regularly checking the tops of trees and death’s bench.

The sun began to set. He knew his mother was going to be expecting him home so that dad wouldn’t know that she let him out of the house. He didn’t want to lose his freedom to leave the house again and so he hoped that if Evan would have acted that he would have done it in the daylight.

He would be back tomorrow. If Evan didn’t come to the park, Connor would go to Evan’s house. He had to know that Evan was alright.

Chapter 36: Turning in Homework

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

October 11, 2018

It was late morning. Evan stared at his ceiling. He knew he needed to get out of the house. It was the only way to make himself presentable to his mother when she came home today between work and classes. If he waited any longer, the school day would be over and he would risk running into classmates, especially classmates who had seen the video.

Perhaps getting out of the house, fresh air, and a change of scenery would help him stop brainstorming ways of killing yourself that were better than falling from a tree…but then the other part of him felt like it would give him the right dosage of inspiration to find the ideal method.

No. No, that is not what this is about.

Evan got out of bed and began dressing. He smelled the bed smell, or whatever you called what you smelled like when you’ve been in bed forever. He really should shower, but that would put him at risk of running into classmates. Whatever. He would shower when he got back and before his mom returned.

He started thinking about which trees he would visit in the park. Then he remembered a bald cypress that he hadn’t seen as a park ranger. Where did he find that tree? He had been with Connor—Death’s bench, he remembered. But then a not so happy memory surfaced.



Look! It’s a tree!” Evan exclaimed, pointing to a cloud that looked like an apple tree with ripe apples.

No, it doesn’t,” Connor said in an attempted deadpan, but he broke into laughter.

What do you mean?” Evan said, looking from Connor to the sky to understand how the angle would change the shape and affect what Connor said.

Unfortunately it just made Connor laugh more. Evan was starting to feel like Connor was laughing at him, but he was comfortable enough to defend himself.

What? It totally looks like a tree!”

No, it doesn’t!” Connor squealed out between laughs and gulps for air. Then his eyes changed to a knowing look. “Unless you’re actually trying to reveal to me what you really meant when you said you love trees.”

Then Evan understood.



At the time he laughed, now he just felt dirty and perverted. Connor thought he was into guys and tried to make it a laughing matter, but Connor was probably just as uncomfortable under those laughs as Evan was whenever he laughed out of nerves. Why did he have to go and ruin such a solid friendship with pushing touch boundaries? Why was he a coward when it came to standing up for his friend?

He was on the sidewalk now, walking to the park. He couldn’t believe that Connor agreed to come back to Evan’s house after that. Shouldn’t Connor have been afraid that Evan was going to try something on him? And Evan did, he just remembered, he had leaned in as if he was going to kiss Connor like he had kissed Zoe.

Well, Connor likely felt that he could fight Evan if he ever pushed it too far, or tell everyone about being under suicide watch, or about Evan being gay. Of course, at this point everyone thought that except for Alana. Why couldn’t Alana think he was gay and everyone else not? Oh yeah, he grabbed her hand in a romantic way during English class after they were assigned to work together. He was broken and perverted.

Imagine what Zoe feels like now. She probably feels like crap because Evan touched her when they were kissing and she felt it was just a check on his list to prove he wasn’t gay. But he wasn’t gay. He really liked her and enjoyed it, especially when it she seemed like she was enjoying herself as well, but no, not anymore. Now it was another dirty mean thing he had done that he felt super guilty about.

Maybe Jared was right, maybe Connor was the bad influence. But Connor hadn’t gone around and touched people inappropriately. He was just lonely and blackmailed Evan to be his friend because that was the only way he knew how to get someone to overlook his hard exterior to actually try and be his friend. Well, Connor had chosen unwisely. Evan was incapable of being good friend, incapable of being normal.

He was at the park and saw a ranger. Crap, he was supposed to be in school. What if the ranger saw him and recognized him? He would know Evan was supposed to be in school and would get Evan in trouble. What if they arrested him? It wouldn’t be the first time. If only Evan hadn’t run like Connor, Jared was right, no one would have suspected him of anything. He was just too dumb to figure things out like that.

Evan had wandered off the path to avoid getting close to the park ranger. The new bald cypress he had discovered was going to be the first stop because it was secluded and Evan wouldn’t have to worry about someone finding him and reporting him to the school. I mean, his mother had called him in sick, but that doesn’t mean that someone wasn’t going to get him in trouble before checking.

He made it to Death’s Bench. The awkwardness he felt towards it before was gone. Instead, the thought of a killer bench pulled him towards it. It would be convenient if he just died at the hands of a cursed bench instead of figuring out things himself. It would just be some sad accident. A rumor that turns into a horror movie.

He laid down on the bench and looked up into the tree. The leaves hadn’t started changing yet, well there were like three that had changed. This tree was going to be a magnificent shade of reddish-orange in a week, Evan was sure of it. They always changed fast, at least it seemed so to Evan. One day you wish the leaves had changed colors, then a busy week of school and they were all falling to the ground.

A nice pattern. The same thing over and over again. It was based on the breaking down of the photosynthesis process. It knew when to change color and fall off to prepare for winter. Evan was not like that. He had no clue what he was supposed to be doing. If he were a tree, he would have died already for shedding his leaves too early. Maybe modern medicine wasn’t such a good thing. Maybe Evan should have died from allergies as a toddler. Maybe he should have worked in a factory where he would have been crushed by a machine instead of having to struggle through dealing with people at school. Maybe his parents should have abandoned him as a small child for being defective, like certain—

“Evan? Thank Gd you’re here.”

Evan looked and sat up. It was Connor. He blushed and turned away. He didn’t want to face Connor. He didn’t want to know what harm he had caused by telling Principal Ekerds about the blackmail. He felt less bad thinking that he just got assigned an extra essay or something.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said and the words tumbled out without him wanting them to. “Principal Ekerds asked me about the blackmail and I didn’t mean to say anything, but then I said everything. I tried to tell him it was okay now, but he didn’t believe me. I should’ve gone and told—“

“Relax, Evan, it’s fine. I should’ve been expelled ages ago.”

“You got expelled?” Evan asked, looking up at Connor. He looked different.

“Yes, I don’t blame you. I deserve it. I’ve done enough damage to people at the school. You included.” Connor said as he sat down next to Evan. “No, this is about you. I’m sorry.”

“For What?”

“For Zoe, the homecoming thing going up in flames, for getting in a fight instead of being there for you, for holding your suicide note against you, for being lousy friend, for everything.”

Why was Connor complaining about being a lousy friend? Connor was a great friend and here he was again, finding Evan when he was feeling less than great about himself…which is great except for today when Evan was feeling bad because he was a terrible friend.

“No, I’m a lousy friend! You’ve been good and I’ve been...not so good.”

Why were his words failing him? He should be talking about how he was being all creepy and not respecting boundaries or not caring enough to stand up for Connor, but instead he just said not good and Connor was staring at him like he was crazy.

“No,” Connor replied. He then fumbled through his pockets.

Evan froze. For whatever reason, he imagined Connor pulling a gun and shooting Evan for telling the principal about the blackmail. This was the end. It would be fine. They’ll find his suicide note on the computer and realize he was just too dumb to remember to print it off before shooting himself in the head. Hopefully Connor wouldn’t get in trouble because Evan deserved it.



CONNOR

Real friends are here for you

They remember what you need and what you like

They are there when you need it most



That was not what Evan had been expecting.

Connor pulled out a special dark Hershey’s bar. “You said it was your favorite when things weren’t good. I assumed Zoe turning you down would be not good.”

Evan took it from him and stared at him in shock, unable to say anything. Connor was here remembering what Evan liked, giving it to him, and it had zero effect on Evan. He was supposed to feel loved. Come on, Evan. Feel loved. He forced himself to take the chocolate bar.



Duet [Connor happy, Evan minor]

Friends make life worth living

They laugh with you and tell you you’re crazy

While still going along with your ideas



Friends are here for you

They want to hear what you have to say

They want you to stay away from bad things



Evan placed the chocolate bar on his lap. The thought of eating it right now made his stomach churn, he had no clue why. It was thoughtful and kind. It was what a real friend would be doing. Evan should feel happy, but he didn’t. In fact, annoyance at Connor coming and doing this was rising in his chest. Why the hell was he getting annoyed at Connor for being the perfect friend?

This just proved that he was broken. When people did things like this, you’re supposed to get happy and say thanks. And while Evan could perform those actions, he didn’t feel it. What was the point of even trying anymore?

“Um, about homecoming,” Connor began.

Evan didn’t want him worrying about that. Honestly, he didn’t want to live long enough to go to homecoming.

“I’m going with Alana,” he quickly threw out. He hoped that would keep Connor’s worries at bay. Connor knew he had been under suicide watch at the start of the term, thus Connor would be someone who could get Evan locked up there again.

To his surprise, Connor started fidgeting and avoided eye contact. Was Connor nervous?

When Connor spoke, his voice lacked the brash tone and angry confidence. It was small and timid, more like how Evan spoke.

“Oh, well, um, well, Alana knows it was a mistake that she got the poster. So, uh, if you’d rather, we could go together…as friends of course. Alana said she would understand. But I should warn you, I’m, uh, I’m gay. It’s just so you—“

“I knew it!”

Evan jumped so high the candy bar flew across the entire clearing to the feet of the person who joined them. Connor began patting his back trying to calm him down.

“No, don’t you dare touch him!”

Evan finally calmed down enough to see that it was Jared. Shouldn’t Jared be in school? Or had school ended already?

“Fuck off!” Connor shouted. It was in Evan’s ear and was too loud. Evan cringed and covered his ears.

“No, you fuck off,” Jared said, stepping towards them by stepping on the chocolate bar. Well, now Evan didn’t have to find a way to pretend he liked the chocolate while he was with Connor.

“You didn’t get enough the first time?” Connor menaced, shocking Evan with the amount of hate in his voice. It came out of nowhere. Evan didn’t realize it, but he took a step away from Connor.

Jared grabbed Evan’s arm so he could pull Evan behind him. Then he stood between Evan and Connor. Evan really didn’t like this. They were both acting like kids fighting over a toy and he was the toy they were fighting over.

“I will stand between you and Evan until I can’t stand any—“

“I’ll be sure to target your legs this time!”

Evan could not believe the anger and rage he saw on Connor’s face. As he looked over Jared’s shoulder, he was honestly afraid of what he saw. He met Connor’s eyes and the world froze. Evan realized that his greatest failing at being Connor’s friend was that he knew nothing about Connor. If he had been a better friend, none of this would be happening.



JARED

I know Evan’s the perfect target

Alone and easy to get to do what you want

But not anymore, from now on you’ll have to get through me

He’s not a toy for you to play with



You’ve been using Evan all along

Don’t act like I’m making this up

Stop gaslighting him to sing your song

Can’t believe I’m the one that has to act the grown-up



You started with blackmail to force him near you

You pretended to care and to help him with Zoe

Then you lured him to think nothing was wrong

With you and him touching and rolling



You made sure Zoe saw so that things would go along

Zoe would reject Evan and Evan would be even more broken

Then you would pick him up and act like it was his idea

When really you’ve been preparing him to fall



You’ve been using Evan all along

Don’t act like I’m making this up

Stop gaslighting him to sing your song

Can’t believe I’m the one that has to act the grown-up



CONNOR

I’ve been helping all along

Sometimes I might get it wrong

But all I’ve wanted was to help Evan

Please, Evan, believe me!



Jared had said some convincing things. Evan had no clue what to think. Connor should have known that his sister had a different boyfriend other than Evan and warn him. But then Connor had been nice, could he have just been acting nice to get Evan to like him? Had he been lying and pretending this whole time?

“Evan,” Jared whispered, trying to keep Connor from hearing. “I’ve known you for a long time and it is obvious that you are getting duped here. You’re a bit gullible and a bit naive, but I have always tried to work with you on those weaknesses. He has just been exploiting you!”

“I am not exploiting Evan, I’m trying to help him!” Connor countered. Evan just noticed the anger just under those words, anger that had likely been there forever that he never noticed before. It was frightening.

“Turning him into an emotional wreck and posting the video online to destroy both Evan and you sister was a low move!”

“I would do no such thing!”

“Then where were you when Evan was asking Zoe to homecoming? How do we know you weren’t the one who recorded the video?”

“I was turning in my homework,” Connor said. “Besides, I didn’t--”

“Turning in your homework? That’s the best excuse that you can come up with,” Jared said, bursting into laughter. “I’d believe something like getting high, but turning in homework. You’ve got to be kidding me.”

The anger boiling just below blew and Evan watched it take over Connor as he launched himself towards Jared. Evan pushed Jared into the bushes and Connor collided with him with such great force they both ended up on the ground.

Connor pulled his arm back for a punch. The world seemed to slow. This was it. Connor was going to beat him up. Evan should have seen this coming. A punch collided with his face. Evan braced for another when it didn’t come.

He looked up with his one good eye and realized that Jared had pulled Connor away. Jared and Connor were now struggling with each other. Evan rolled under the bushes as the stress of the situation hit him. This was too much to handle. He began to cry.

“Connor!” A loud demanding voice called. “Stop right now or I’m going to get a tracking system for you.”

Connor didn’t stop. Evan watched as the man came and pulled Connor off of Jared. Then he recognized him as Mr. Murphy.

“I’m sorry, son,” Mr. Murphy apologized to Jared as he restrained Connor. “My son has incurable issues that we can’t manage to keep him from harming others. We’ll just be going unless you need some assistance.”

“No, I’m good, Mr. Murphy,” Jared said with a nod as Mr. Murphy struggled to keep Connor from breaking free to get to Jared.

“You’re nothing but a bully!” Connor spat out from between his father’s side and arm.

“No, you’re the bully,” Mr. Murphy responded.

Mr. Murphy then drug Connor away.



Notes:

That's all for this update. This chapter was flagged for heavy revision, but I'm not doing any even though my mind is being annoyed at Mr. Murphy not being in character.

Chapter 37: I am the reason for his sorrow

Notes:

Sorry, I got sick.

Chapter Text

October 11, 2018

Connor struggled against his father all the way to the car. His father had to push him in and slam the door closed behind Connor. It seemed his father had been thinking ahead because the child lock was already engaged.

Dad was in the car and backing it out before Connor had the chance to even try and climb into the front seat to get out. He was trapped. He was in greater trouble, but all he wanted to do was beat Jared until Jared could no longer smile or laugh.

Jared was cruel. Jared was mean. He tripped Connor and pretended it was an accident. He was the one responsible for the school shooter rumors, Connor was sure of it. Jared just ran his mouth and didn’t care who he hurt. Jared was the one who needed to be removed from off the face of the planet, not Connor.

He punched the door.

“Stop,” dad spat sharply.

“Why aren’t you at work?” Connor spat back.

“Because I came home to supervise the install of our new security system and discovered you weren’t in your room,” dad replied. “I can’t believe it. Sneaking out to beat up the same helpless kid you did earlier. What did he do? Tell you the truth about yourself?”

Connor’s mouth opened in shock. How dare he say that Jared was speaking the truth about him? Connor wasn’t a school shooter, Connor wasn’t manipulating Evan, Connor was just trying to help, even though he wasn’t very good at it. If Connor had the chance, he would make sure that Evan and Jared weren’t on talking terms. Jared was poison.

“That’s what makes one upset the most, when people say the truth about what we fear about ourselves,” dad continued, as if this was a lecture that would help. “That’s why it’s important to count to ten before responding to anything that makes you angry. Sometimes you need to realize there’s some truth behind what everyone says.”

Connor glared out the window. His father didn’t deserve a response to that. Connor wasn’t going to turn into a school shooter...well, shooting Jared did seem like a good alternative at this point since beating him up seemed to have no effect on his attitude.

“And now I’ve missed the majority of the install because of you and your behavior. You are grounded to your room until I come home from work, do you understand?” Dad said as they pulled into the driveway. “I will tell mom to bring you food and to escort you for bathroom breaks, but other than that you stay in that room or you will regret it.”

Connor tried the door and it wouldn’t open. Dad parked the car and came around to let Connor out, being sure to grab Connor’s upper arm to have control over him. It was dumb, Connor didn’t want to hurt his family, he wanted to hurt Jared. Dad escorted him past the security system install people and Connor felt embarrassed. Here these people were seeing him get escorted like some criminal.

Dad didn’t let go until he shoved Connor into his room and once again slammed the door shut behind Connor. Connor got up and kicked the closest piece of furniture in frustration before throwing himself on the bed.

He heard the faint muddle of the workers talking with his dad. He spotted things moved from his shelves by the window. He got up and saw that there was now something attached to his window, likely to tell if he opened it. Ridiculous. More security measures to make sure he was a prisoner in his own home.

Connor heard his dad tell the workers goodbye and thank you very loudly. He seemed in a hurry to get them gone so he could get back to work. Work, work, work. This is what it means to be a man. You’re a criminal.

The door slammed and then his father’s yell filled the house.

“WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE?! HE WAS IN THE PARK BEATING UP ON SOME INNOCENT KID BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID!”

“We can’t keep him locked up forever, Larry! We have to let him get out and experience life. If we hadn’t been so strict, he wouldn’t be this rebellious!”

“We’ve tried to get him out of the house! He just hates everything that has to do with us! He just wants to get high and beat people up. We can’t fix that.”

“Except when you refused to let him go to that singing summer camp or sign up for dance classes! You’re so afraid that a little art is going to turn your son gay or into a girl!”

Connor groaned and threw himself onto his bed. Why were they arguing about this? It was one summer when he decided he wanted to be the phantom in the actual musical when he learned that was actually a thing he could do. He hadn’t wanted it ever since and his mom always acted like that was who he always was and that his dad was suppressing that side of him.

“I am not afraid he is going to turn gay or into a girl! I’m afraid he is going to be bullied, turning him into a worse bully because he will feel like he has a right to hurt everyone around him because they hurt him first!”

“Well, it hasn’t worked so far. In fact, it seems to have turned him into a bully. We need to give him freedom!”

“He only abuses it! Beating kids up, heroin, other drugs. No, Cynthia. No. He’s had enough freedom. It’s time he faces real consequences. Since you don’t want him in jail, we will have to make our own program here, in our home.”

“Program?! What are you going to do?”

“You’ll see.”

“Larry! LARRY! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! We are not done discussing this!”

“We are. There is nothing more to discuss. I will know if he leaves the house, so make sure he doesn’t leave.”

The front door slammed once again.

“LARRRY!!!” His mother shouted at the door before a muted yell of frustration echoed through the house.

Connor got up from his bed and knocked over the bookshelf. All his old favorites that got him through middle school piled up on the floor and then were crushed by the bookshelf. He stepped on the bookshelf for good measure.

Then he moved to the dresser and swept everything off with his arm before tearing out each drawer and dumping the contents on the floor and then threw the drawer to the ground. He finished by knocking the dresser on top of the pile of clothes.

While he knew his parents would flip, he didn’t care. It felt nice to do it. This was likely why everyone felt he was a lost case. He derived great pleasure from destroying things.

His room was a complete mess when his mother came to give him a late lunch. Surprisingly, she didn’t say anything about the mess. She just handed him the bowl of macaroni and cheese and closed the door. Yep, she was past caring if she didn’t say anything about the room. She would usually say something like, ‘Connor, you really didn’t do that did you? What did you think you would get from destroying your room?’ and then have him go downstairs while she cleaned it up.

Connor threw himself on his mattress which was moderately shaped like a chair from where he threw it off his bed. He sat and ate his lunch before setting the bowl neatly outside his door in the hallway. It was some weird comparison to how Connor always felt destroyed on the inside while he did his best to act neat and orderly on the outside. Of course it never could be contained as nicely as his four walls could enclose the current mess of his room.

After a few more minutes in his room, Connor couldn’t take it. The mess made a loud buzzing in his brain making the normal buzz much louder and annoying. He stormed out of his room. He just needed to make sure he was back in before dad came home. His mother was past caring.

He wandered over to his parents’ bedroom. It was spotless. Always. He wasn’t sure they even lived there with how clean his mother kept it. It was infuriating. Resisting the urge to destroy their room, Connor wandered back into the hallway and began to pace.

Jared was there when he came out to Evan. That was the last person he wanted to know this fact about himself. He hadn’t planned on telling Evan, but going with Evan to homecoming without telling him that seemed like a dick move. Of course, that was assuming that Evan would have wanted to go with him.

Connor kicked the wall. He had been so concerned about Evan trying to kill himself to remember that Evan didn’t really see him as a friend. Connor had ruined the friendship before it even began. The stupid first day and blackmailing Evan. He should’ve just killed himself then. His parents weren’t down his neck and he had been planning on it. Stupid little hope that Evan would like and notice him had kept him hanging on to life.

Unfortunately it would now be days until his father would stop breathing down his neck, trying to watch every move he made. Days to wait around in this hell hole and reflect on how he ruined Evan’s life while just trying to be a part of it.



My hope was pinned to Evan

All my hope was pinned on Evan

I held on for too long while hoping

Life could be more than just coping



So similar, yet so unlike

A teddy bear and a pike

Both of our hopes have been crushed

Both my fault, it shouldn’t’ve been rushed



Evan’s hope was pinned to Zoe

And now he will only be lonely

If Evan kills himself tomorrow

I am the reason for his sorrow



My hope was pinned to Evan

Evan’s hope was pinned to Zoe

It was my hope that crushed Evan’s

It was my hope that crushed Zoe’s



Connor heard a car door slam. Worried that it was his father returning home, he slipped into Zoe’s room to look out front. A car was waiting in the driveway. Connor couldn’t see who was in it just that it was still running. It wasn’t his dad. Good.

“What the hell are you doing in my room?!”

Connor jumped. Zoe was there, frozen while reaching for her guitar case on her bed. Connor had nothing to say.

“Haven’t you fucked up enough of my life yet to be satisfied?! Or do you need to start destroying my things too!”

“You fucked up your own life,” Connor spat back. “You rejected Evan. I did nothing.”

“Only because I thought you two were fucking, consensually!”

“What the fuck?! Evan and I have done nothing even close to that!”

“Oh yeah, sneaking into boning forest for lunches?”

“That’s because you were going to turn me in for having lunch with him! We were just friends!”

“Were? Are you actually going to admit to bedding Evan?”

“Evan and I have never been in a bed together!”

“Fucking liar! Now get out of my room!”

Connor flicked her off as he made his way around her bed.

“Just wait, Jared and I will get you charged with rape. You’ll spend the rest of your life in jail.”

Connor froze. “You and Jared?”

The pieces were starting to add up. Jared abandoning Evan holding the piano. Zoe had his phone. The fake messages. Jared was involved. Of fucking course Jared was involved!

Wasn’t Jared the one who summoned the cops on them in the bathroom? Had it been Jared that spotted them when Connor almost lost control and kissed Evan in the woods and told everyone that they actually kissed? And then Jared came to find Connor out to get him in trouble and spill the beans about the blackmail. This was all Jared’s fault. Jared made it so that Evan couldn’t be with Zoe.

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

Connor realized that couldn’t have been the first time she said that to him since he got lost in his thoughts.

“Jared,” Connor said. He had to explain it to her. Evan still had a chance with Zoe. Zoe just had to understand all of this was set up by Jared.

“You beat him up and got him suspended. Leave him out of this.”

“No! He’s the one behind this. Nothing has happened between me and Evan. Jared made it all up!”

“So now Jared is the liar?”

“Yes! He ruined everything!”

“The only person who has ruined anything is you! If you don’t get out of my room right now, I’ll make you regret beating up on him.”

“No.”

It just hit Connor. Alana said that Zoe told Evan that she had a boyfriend. Had Jared made the rumors of stuff happening between him and Evan so Zoe would reject Evan and then he could swoop in and date the broken Zoe? Had Jared been projecting? Had Jared hurt Evan on purpose to get to Zoe?

“No? You don’t think I could hurt you?”

“You’re dating Jared. You fucked Evan and then left him on rumors to be with Jared.”

“I did not!”

“Did too!”

Zoe punched Connor in the face.

“Did not! I fucking saw you two in his bed!”

“Fucking did not happen!”

Connor swung a punch at her, but she caught it in her hand.

“What about I saw you do you not understand!”

“Jared is fucking behind this! You’ve been deceived!”

“Jared is not behind this! You caused all of this! You fucking punched Evan!”

“I did not!”

That was the straw. That accusation was too much. Connor would never hurt Evan.

Connor started punching and kicking as much as he could and Zoe did the same back. She was good, but Connor was full of fury and rage.

The next thing he knew was his father’s arms around him once more today, pulling him off of Zoe.

“I fucking told you to not leave your room!” His father said, wrestling Connor towards his room. “Why can you not follow basic instructions?! What the hell?”

His father had opened Connor’s room to see the mess he had made. He grabbed Connor’s collar to force Connor to face him.

“Why the hell did you do this? We give you everything and you fucking destroy it! Does this give you pleasure? Is this what you want in life?” Dad said, shoving Connor into his room. “Then live in it and leave the rest of us be! Stop fucking with everybody else!”

Once again the door slammed. Slamming doors. Slamming doors. Connor picked up the fallen, empty dresser and threw it. Why couldn’t they see he wasn’t the problem? Jared was the problem! Jared—

His door opened and Connor jumped.

“Connor,” it was his mom. “Are you alright?”

Connor slowly became aware of sore spots where he had been punched today as well as a slight dripping from his nose. Then he had a sudden recollection of punching Evan in the face. He froze.

“It’s alright,” mom said, grabbing his arm. “Here’s some ice and tissues. And I also brought the pamphlets for the boarding school your father wants you to go to. I thought you’d like to read up on it while grounded to your room.”

Connor took the things from his mother and placed them on his mattress.

“I’m really disappointed in you,” mom said with her heart-breaking face. “I thought you and Zoe had been getting along.”

Connor didn’t reply. He looked over his destroyed room.

“Well, I think a new beginning would be very good for you. Why don’t you think about the life you want to make for yourself if you go to boarding school? This could be exactly what you need.”

She tried to act like everything was normal and placed a kiss on Connor’s forehead. It was dumb. Couldn’t she see he was past hope?

Zoe was right. Connor had hurt Evan. Connor had pushed Evan to hang out with him when he didn’t want to. Connor had wanted something more than just friendship and had given off enough vibes that everyone caught on. He was the one who ruined everything. He always ruined everything. The only way to stop all this was to disappear.



Chapter 38: No one tells you where you went wrong

Chapter Text

October 11-16, 2018

Evan laid under the bushes, unsure what was real or not. Connor had changed so much that he was unrecognizable compared to the Connor that came over to help paint the background.

“Evan?” Jared called gently.

Evan didn’t have the strength to verbally respond so he poked his foot out from under the buses and did a weird sort of wave with it.

Jared found Evan and pulled him out from under the bushes and then into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry you had to see the bad side of Connor,” Jared said. “I didn’t mean to bring it out, but maybe it was better so you would see what he can do.”

Evan just sobbed into Jared’s shoulder. Life was too difficult. Friends turning out to not be friends and beating you up, on top of girls acting like you were boyfriend and girlfriend one day and then like you barely know each other the next, people thinking you were dating your friend, people thinking you are asking them out when you pass out. It just was too hard. Nothing made sense.

“Let’s get you home,” Jared said, helping Evan to his feet.

Jared drove Evan home and helped him into his bed. Evan felt numb to life. He didn’t really feel Jared’s presence.



JARED

Family friends are here to help

When your real friends turn to enemies.

I’m here for you, please don’t forget.

Text or call if you need me to protect.



I’m here for you

Don’t be afraid to reach out



“When are you coming back to school?”

Evan shrugged.

“It was really low of Connor to do that.”

“Do what?” Evan asked by rote.

“Posting the video of Zoe rejecting you.”

“You really think it was him who posted the video?”

“It was an account someone made for the purpose of posting the video and, whoever they are, they refused to take it down. Sounds like they have ulterior motives, like breaking you down to agree to go to homecoming.”

“Sounds too complicated for something as simple as getting someone to go to homecoming with you…”

“Psychopaths are like that. And I bet you that Connor is a psychopath.”

Evan looked away, unsure what to think about Connor.

“My next worry is that he is going to start stalking you. Then he’ll break in and violently rape you.”

Evan rolled his eyes. Connor was not going to stalk him. That only happened to pretty girls by really creepy guys. Connor wasn’t creepy.

“No, Evan, I’m serious. He’ll be back. Call me if you think you see him around your neighborhood…well, text me.”

“Okay,” Evan replied to get Jared to go. Evan needed time alone to think.

“He’s dangerous, in case you haven’t noticed,” Jared said, gesturing to his face. Evan looked and saw various bruises, more mature ones from a couple of days ago and a few fresh ones for today. Had Connor really done all that to Jared?

Evan started feeling a throbbing in his own face where Connor had punched him. Where Connor had punched him. Connor had really punched him. If Connor had punched him, there was no doubt that Connor had beat up Jared. Evan didn’t know what to think.

Jared left with a wave. Evan stared at the wall until he heard Jared’s car pull out of the driveway. Then tears started to pour.

Connor had hurt him. Evan had convinced himself that he was the bad friend, but in reality it was Connor? Was that part of the manipulation too? Was that why Connor so hastily forgave him for telling on him for the blackmail?

Then Connor being gay…that didn’t really matter, right? Except for the fact that Evan had done things to make Connor think he reciprocated feelings. Evan was such an idiot. Maybe Connor was hoping Evan had been pretending to like Zoe and thus crashed everything so Evan would ‘realize the truth’ about himself, when all the truth was that Evan was broken and couldn’t function like a normal human being.

But whatever the truth was about all the mess, Evan and Connor were never real friends and never would be real friends. That was all Evan knew. Did it really matter who was responsible for the failed friendship? Besides, Evan hadn’t been that great of a friend.



Monday morning came and Evan found himself heading to school. Grandma had come in town Friday for him because his mother was worried. He had to pretend everything was normal, but it really wasn’t normal. The world had been turned upside down.

A week ago he thought he had everything figured out. A best friend, a practically girlfriend, and an understanding of how everything was supposed to work. Now he didn’t have any of that. And now his family friend wasn’t responding to texts or talking to him.



No one tells you where you went wrong



Returning to school was not fun.

“Watch where you’re going!” Someone said, giving Evan a shove.

“Sorry,” Evan said, rubbing his cast. He wasn’t ready for this. He would never be ready for things like this, he was just broken.

“Oh, um, Connor isn’t here,” someone else said.

Evan looked up to see two people in his year laughing. They were quoting the video at him. He should have expected this.

“Now get out of here, fag!” The first one said with another shove.

Evan couldn’t believe it. He turned and ran to the bathroom.

For whatever reason, his brain was filling with memories of the first day. Connor had pushed him. Then he looked around and realized this bathroom was the same one Connor had blackmailed him in. He started hyperventilating. Was he going to repeat his mistakes of the first day and get blackmailed by some other jerk?

Count. Count. Count. Connor wasn’t here. Connor wasn’t going to hurt him. No, but everyone else is now out to torment you…

The bell rang. Evan splashed water on his face and headed to first period. He just had to pretend to be normal until his grandma went home, then he could stop this.

Lunchtime came and he wandered the halls. He wanted to avoid the cafeteria. The ‘oh, um, Connor isn’t here’ kept getting quoted at him whenever the teacher wasn’t speaking and he knew everyone in cafeteria couldn’t wait to have their turn to quote it at him. But he didn’t want to stop under the stairs or head out to the woodlet because those places reminded him of Connor and that made him feel like he was being torn apart internally or sent him worrying that he was going to let someone else do the same type of thing to him.

“Oh, Evan,” a voice came from behind him. “Do you have a moment?”

Evan turned to see Alana standing there. He nodded nervously.

“I’m sorry about last Tuesday,” she began and Evan blushed. “There was a large bit of misunderstanding on my part. I realize now that you hadn’t intended on asking me and that my asking you was out of the blue. I’m sorry. But seeing that you can’t go with who you wanted to and I don’t want to show up at the dance and open it alone, can we still go together, but as friends?”

Evan stared at her. That was more information than his brain was ready to process. He had expected another ‘oh, um, Connor isn’t here’ to be honest.

“I’m sorry, let me start this over. As student body president, my job is to open the dances. As member of the homecoming committee, you will already be there helping set everything up. And seeing that Zoe said no, would you be alright going with me as friends to help me open the dance? I can drive.”

“Um, okay,” Evan replied.

“Great! Thanks! I’ll see you after school for our last meeting. We don’t have much to figure out. Everything is going so smoothly.”

Evan nodded in blank agreement. Alana walked off. Then Evan realized what he agreed to. He had agreed to go to homecoming with Alana.

Why? Why did he agree to spend time at a dance with Alana? He hated dances. He hadn’t changed at all this year. He was still agreeing to dumb things.

Well, he would use this to his advantage. It was a deadline. He would end everything after homecoming. If he couldn’t learn how to handle things, then he wouldn’t worry about it anymore. Now he just needed to find a more reasonable method than falling from a tree.



Tuesday, Evan felt like he had reasonable control over his life. Mostly because he had finally decided on a method. He wrote some other BS for his letter so Dr. Sherman would be occupied with other things, BS including lying by saying he was going to go to homecoming with Zoe because he knew Dr. Sherman couldn’t tell his mother anything. Hopefully she would believe it. And Grandma was going to leave that night if all went well in therapy.

Right now he was on his way to get rid of his cast. The last reminder of Connor. He hadn’t mentioned Connor in his letter. He knew that would cause him to break down. He just had to keep everything focused on his anxiety about the dance Saturday so Dr. Sherman wouldn’t have time to ask him about Connor.

“Is everything alright?”

Evan looked up to his mother. He must have started acting worried when he thought of Connor. Unfortunately, his mother seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

“I haven’t seen Connor, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, he’s just been busy,” Evan said, looking out the window. He hoped she wouldn’t ask any more questions about it.

“It’s normal to have a fight every now and then,” grandma supplied from the back seat. “Give it a week and everything will go back to normal.”

Evan didn’t reply. There was no way everything would be back to normal in a week. No way. Their friendship had never been real. It was all fake, a scam, a con.

The cast was removed. Evan survived the rest of school. He tricked Dr. Sherman in to telling him tricks of dealing with anxiety at dances while still having a good time (like that would ever happen). They all went home. Mom saw Grandma off and then worked on her homework. Evan went up to his room with the same excuse, but there was no way he could concentrate on homework.



Does anybody have a map?

Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?

I don’t know if it’s just luck but I just can’t do anything right?

So where’s the end?

I need it to come

Cause the scary truth is,

There’s nothing left for me here and everyone won’t really care if I go.



They’ll get over it. They’ll mock his death. They’ll blame Connor. He wish they wouldn’t, but he knew they would.



Can this all just be a bad dream so I can wake up?

Could I just be normal like Zoe or Jared?

It’s impossible, I’m incurable

There’s no way to get out of this

It’s time to just accept that and say



There’s no map

Everyone is born with a clue and I have no clue

I can’t change who I am



The doorbell rang. Evan panicked for a moment before he realized his mother was home. He didn’t have to worry about it. Just stay upstairs and out of the way.



Chapter 39: Connor tried, but really, he failed

Chapter Text

October 11-16, 2018

Mom didn’t fess up to letting Connor out. This meant that Connor’s door now locked from the outside. And no, that didn’t mean flipping the door knob around because Connor had learned to pick those kinds of locks to get to his markers when his parents confiscated them. No, his father fucking installed a deadbolt on his door, drilling new holes included.

An alarm on his window and a deadbolt on his door. Connor felt like he was going to suffocate. He hated feeling trapped, but he knew he had to behave or he wouldn’t be able to get out in order to disappear from this miserable existence.

He was too antsy from the run-in with Jared and Evan to lay down or sit still, so he began to pace, trying to figure out how Jared fucked everything up. Damn. It started the first day. Jared insulted Connor, angering him and then bolted so Connor would take out his anger on Evan. Did Jared know that Connor had been crushing on Evan and set that up?

By the time Connor had wound down enough to think about going to sleep, he had a convoluted conspiracy theory on how Jared had been responsible for every bad thing that happened since the semester started. But as he closed his eyes, he knew it wasn’t true. He knew he was winding the tale of deception and trickery because he didn’t want to face the damage he caused Evan.

But he didn’t really hurt Evan. He was there when Evan needed him. He was a friend when Jared bailed on the project. He helped Evan figure out how to ask Zoe to homecoming. The word he should be saying was, he tried to not hurt Evan.

Connor tried to be a friend. Connor tried to be caring and supportive. Connor tried to not crack open and destroy Evan. But really, he failed. He failed like every other time. He fails to control his temper, he fails to express himself properly, he fails life.



Sunday mom decided that Connor had behaved enough to join the family for dinner. Unfortunately, she seemingly failed to warn the rest of the family. Dad walked in and made a face of disgust when he saw Connor already sitting at the table, but he said nothing. Zoe arrived late because she had been at a friend’s house.

“Mom, dad, can I ask you something?” Zoe asked as she entered the kitchen. She froze the moment she saw Connor at the table.

“Of course, darling,” mom replied, motioning for Zoe to join them.

Connor watched her face. It was clear that she really didn’t want to ask her question with Connor present. Connor doubted mom would let her get away without asking it.

“What was it that you wanted to ask us?” Mom asked as soon as she finished serving food onto Zoe’s plate.

Zoe eyed Connor nervously before speaking. Connor had no intention of causing trouble. If he was allowed out of his room, soon he might not be locked in his room all the time, which means he might be able to escape to the park and disappear soon. He wasn’t going to mess that up to press Zoe’s buttons today.

“Um, this Saturday’s homecoming,” Zoe began, but clearly dad didn’t understand that she needed more space to finish speaking.

“I know,” dad replied. “We spent a lot of money on a dress.”

“Thanks, dad,” Zoe replied effortlessly. Connor had no clue how she could deal with his snips without getting angry. “As I was saying, I have a date to homecoming and I was wondering if you two, mom and dad, wanted to meet him. Maybe we could go out for dinner together?”

Everyone looked at Connor. What the hell! She just said that he wasn’t invited, he wasn’t going to invite himself, why are they staring at him like he is the problem? Oh yeah, because they feel like they can’t leave him home alone. When was he supposedly going off to boarding school? He definitely needed to disappear before then.

“The tracker did come in,” dad said, looking over to mom.

“We are not putting a tracker on him!” Mom retorted.

“Just for one night,” dad replied, “While we go out with Zoe and her date. Don’t you want to meet the boy your daughter is dating?”

“I do, but…Connor isn’t a criminal, he shouldn’t be tracked like an animal or a convict!”

“Heroin, pot, underage smoking, arson, and numerous accounts of battery,” dad said. “I’ve put away kids for less than all of those. The only reason Connor isn’t in juvie is because of me. And as long as Connor behaves, it will only be for one night.”

Connor realized that he needed to disappear before then because the last thing he wanted was to be found before the pills finished their job. That was always what spoiled suicide attempts and put people into the false panic of pretending to care while Connor is rushed off to suicide watch for days, delaying his actual death, which was what everyone really wanted deep down.

Mom seemed to be deliberating. If Connor felt like speaking would help, he would have said he was fine with them going out one night. But usually fights started when he opened his mouth even when he was trying to be helpful. The whole he failed everything he tried theme was something he really should have realized earlier because then he would have tried to do less things.

“Alright,” mom said. “As long as it is only the one night. I’m excited to hear about this boy. What’s his name?”

Zoe shot a worried look to Connor before saying, “Jared.”

Connor just kept his face blank and continued to eat. He already figured out she was dating Jared. Connor had finally come to terms with the fact that Connor had been a worse friend than Jared. It was all water under the bridge because Connor was going to disappear soon.



Tuesday seemed like it was going to be the day to die. Mom didn’t lock Connor’s door after delivering dinner. Connor didn’t want to risk anything because he could hear his father’s voice droning on his phone downstairs, but getting out of his room was an absolute must.

He sat down next to his door and began eating. It felt like a whole new world just being able to sit in the hallway. He never thought he would love a hallway so much, especially the one just outside his room. He was crazy.

“What?!” Zoe’s voice came loudly from her room. “You haven’t told him! What are you thinking?”

Connor leaned forward, moderately curious. From the muffled sounding response, he realized she was talking on her phone.

“Jared! You’ve known him far longer than I have,” Zoe continued. “You should know better than to do that to him!”

She sighed.

“We need to tell him right away…yes, we….yes, like right now…No, fuck you for not telling your friend with anxiety that you are the one dating the girl he asked to homecoming…No, Jared. We’ve been through this. I am over Evan and like you. If not I would have already ditched your lazy ass for his…Yes, I’m coming too…Not because I don’t trust you, but because I want to show him I still care…No! No way in hell we’re going to tell him that…Oh and I’ll drive…Dude, your mileage sucks. If I drive, I’m doing a favor to the planet.” She laughed. “See you in ten.”

Jared hadn’t told Evan that he was dating Zoe. What kind of friend does that? All of the hate and anger towards Jared that he thought he had gotten over suddenly came crashing back. Fucking Jared Kleinman was being cruel to Evan by not telling him he was dating Zoe!

How was Evan feeling if Jared hadn’t told him? Had he found out by seeing Jared and Zoe at school? His friend and the girl he thought he was dating get together and don’t even bother to tell him? Connor knew he would feel like shit if that happened to him…of course that was all based on speculation as his only recent friend and crush were the same person. Evan dating himself wasn’t a real concern.

He heard Zoe’s keys jingle as she scampered around the room getting ready to leave. Connor left his dinner plate in the hallway and slipped into his room. If Zoe caught him in the hall she would start yelling, dad would notice, and then he would be in trouble.

In his room, Connor randomly remembered Alana. Had she and Evan talked about the homecoming issue? Was Evan suffering from anxiety about having to pretend to be moderately interested in Alana? Connor didn’t have his phone so he couldn’t ask Alana. If he had his phone, he couldn’t ask Evan as his number was blocked.

What if Connor went by, listened to what Zoe and Jared had to say to Evan and then talked to Evan to see if he was alright? His mother let him out of his room. His father was clearly busy with work and likely wouldn’t check in…but what about disappearing?

No one will notice him missing. He’ll just disappear tomorrow. One more day wasn’t going to hurt. Maybe he could slip out while his dad was at work. That might be better anyways.

After hearing the garage door close after Zoe, he slipped out of his room and downstairs to the back door. He slipped out and began making his way to Evan’s house as quickly as possible to beat Zoe and Jared there.

A part of him acknowledged that a part of him really wanted to see Evan one more time. The rest of him hoped he could pull some daring rescue and cement their friendship once and for all. He allowed his fantasies of stopping Evan from killing himself resurfaced, but this time they involved catching him from falling out of a tree.





Chapter 40: I can’t change who I am

Chapter Text

October 16, 2018

“Evan! It’s your friends! Get down here!” Mom called upstairs cheerfully.

Friends? Evan had multiple friends? For a moment he had the thought that it was Jared and Connor, but there was no way Connor would get along with Jared. Besides, it was firmly established now that he and Connor weren’t friends. Hell, Connor had stopped texting him weeks ago. Ever since Connor caught the school on fire. Connor probably saw Evan freak out and decided that it wasn’t even worth pretending to be friendly to such a kid…or was it because that was when he asked Zoe on a second date, or well Jared asked for him, and Connor had a crush on him.

His insides squirmed at the thought. A quick image of Evan kissing Connor instead of Zoe flashed through his mind and he felt like he would throw up. But he couldn’t throw up because he had to go downstairs to see who his ‘friends’ were.

It was probably Jared and some kid from school. Was it getting close to that time of the month when Jared’s mom demands Jared to hang out with Evan or else she wouldn’t pay his car insurance? You would think that because it had such a dramatic effect on how friendly Jared was that Evan would have realized about when that was every month, but he didn’t.

He reached the bottom of the stairs and his heart-rate picked up. There was Zoe…and Jared…and they were semi-holding hands? Were they dating?

Mom smiled at Evan from the kitchen table where she was working on her homework and while they called it the dining room, it was really just an extension of the kitchen which was an extension into the living room if you counted a window sized bar opening that connected the two. Basically his mother was going to be in the same room while Jared and Zoe talked. Evan couldn’t take them up to his room because his mother had already told him clearly that he wasn’t to take girls up to his room. So he was going to have to awkwardly suffer the embarrassment of talking to Zoe and Jared in front of his mother.

“Are you going to join us?” Zoe asked, taking her hands from Jared’s for a moment.

Evan took a deep breath and decided he could sit down, especially since his back would be to his mother so he wouldn’t have to see her reactions to whatever Zoe and Jared were here to say. Instead his paranoid mind would just imagine them. Of course, right now all he was imagining was her faux proud-of-you-son face.

Zoe elbowed Jared and then Jared spoke.

“Um, uh, Zoe said we should come clean with you,” Jared began. “Um, so, um, Zoe and I are, uh, together.”

Evan watched them as Zoe took Jared’s hand. Evan didn’t recall ever holding Zoe’s hand. Was that a mess up on his part? Was that why she was with Jared instead of him?

No, don’t think that. Zoe gets to choose to like whomever she wanted and change her mind whenever she wanted. Honestly, she tolerated Evan and his flaws for much longer than Evan imagined anyone being able to deal with. Well, his mother was clearly the champion, but there might be more reasons as to why she was taking classes and working instead of just working. She could’ve waited until Evan graduated before taking classes, but Evan had a suspicion that she didn’t want to spend more time with her messed up son.

“Um, well, this is awkward,” Jared remarked.

Evan hadn’t noticed it getting awkward. He never caught on to things like that…or maybe that was because he was always awkward which was why no one wanted to be friends with him.

“You’re right,” Zoe said, “This is more something I need to say. I’m sorry, Evan. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I genuinely thought I liked you and didn’t think I was falling for Jared at the same time, but I did. And I also thought you were…doing stuff with Connor because you liked him and not because you were being blackmailed. So I just, moved on…and I hurt you and I’m sorry.”

Evan went to pick at his cast, but it wasn’t there. It was weird. Kinda like this conversation. He felt exposed and open like he was going to break again.

There was silence and Evan eventually managed to ask the question that was weighing on his mind.

“When did you two even start hanging out?”

Zoe looked nervously to Jared.

“Well, Walt started dating Kassie, which means he hung out in the band room more and I followed him…”

“Don’t lie. You totally came running to me in a panic when you found out that Evan had been arrested with Connor,” Zoe teased. She playfully kissed Jared’s cheek. “You were so concerned. It was adorable and I just didn’t realize it at the time.”

While Evan was in jail, Zoe and Jared started getting together?

“And then we talked when I noticed the stars on the background were clearly Connor’s work,” Zoe continued.

“We did more than talk,” Jared said with a laugh.

“Jared!” Zoe reprimanded with a playful hand tap.

Evan’s mind started racing. That was before his second date with Zoe and if Jared was implying something more—

“I told you we weren’t going to tell him about that!”

“He’ll understand, we didn’t know he was being blackmailed at that point.”

“Understand what?” Evan asked, fearing they would reveal the worst.

“Alright, fine. We were worried about Connor hurting you more than just getting arrested, so we decided we needed to interfere,” Zoe started explaining.

Evan was confused. This wasn’t about them kissing, was it?

“We fabricated some sketchy texts so Zoe’s parents would hate you and ground Connor if he hung out with you,” Jared said, rather pleased with himself. “It’s a bit more complicated than emails, but it was a fun thing to learn.”

“What?” Evan asked as a filler as his brain processed what Jared said.

“Um, we pretended you were a druggie,” Jared said. “We would’ve come up with something different if you would have told us Connor was blackmailing you. But no, you had to keep that a secret until last week.”

“That’s the whole point,” Evan complained. “If you tell anyone, the thing happens that you don’t want to happen.”

“What’s all this talk about blackmail?” Mom asked.

Evan blanched. He had forgotten that his mother was practically sitting in the room.

“Oh, just that Connor has been blackmailing Evan since the first day of school,” Jared replied casually.

Evan started to panic. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, but he messed that up by telling Jared who now has decidded to tell everyone. He was surprised that wasn’t included with the ‘oh, um, Connor isn’t here’ quoting already.

“The first day of school?” Mom repeated. “What was he blackmailing him with?”

“Evan’s sex letter, just kidding, therapy letter,” Jared corrected when Evan shot him a frantic glare.

“The therapy letter from the first day?” Mom said.

Oh no. No. Evan slightly turned so he could see that his mother had stood up.

“The one that landed Evan in suicide watch? Connor, the one who signed Evan’s cast, blackmailed Evan with his therapy letter the first day, the one that landed him in suicide watch?”

Evan couldn’t believe it. She was telling Zoe and Jared about him being on suicide watch and with Jared’s track record, the entire school would know by homecoming. And it wasn’t like there was something he could do to prevent it.

“Suicide Watch?” Zoe said.

Evan turned to see Zoe’s and Jared’s stunned faces. He hated it.

“Damn!” Jared exclaimed. “Evan told me he had appendicitis!”

Jared looked to Evan and Evan ran. He ran upstairs and to his room, slamming the door behind him. Tears streaming from his eyes. Zoe and Jared now thought he was mentally insane and wouldn’t want to speak to him again. His life was ruined and he had less than a week left. Maybe he should think about moving the schedule up.

What was today? Discovering that Jared was avoiding him because he was secretly dating Zoe behind his back. Like was Jared making out with Zoe like Evan had been days, if not hours after Evan? He remembered the uncomfortableness of Zoe. Her hands going places he wasn’t sure he wanted them to go.

A shiver ran through his body as he remembered his awkward practice with Jared in preparation of kissing Zoe. It just was too much and he should have told both of them no, but he could never say no. Instead he would be subject to uncomfortable things as long as he lived because he couldn’t say no...and he also couldn’t handle normal things, but that was an entirely different issue.

Then his mother revealed that he was in suicide watch to not only Jared (who told the entire school about the blackmail thing) but also to Zoe. Jared likely tweeted it already and everyone at school was going to know by tomorrow. It was like there was nothing that could make the day any worse.



Can this all just be a bad dream so I can wake up?

Could I be dead already and not deal with this anymore?

It’s impossible, I’m incurable

There’s only one way out of this

It’s time to just accept that and go

 

There’s no map

Everyone is born with a clue and I have no clue

I can’t change who I am



His crying had made his nose all stuffy and dry and hot. He went to his window. Fresh air would help. Honestly, he should just grab his stuff and jump out of his window, but he was afraid of jumping out of his window. It was upstairs and while his house was a split-level house and so he wasn’t much more than ten feet off the ground, but, after falling and breaking his arm, he really didn’t want a repeat of this summer except this time it was on his way to kill himself instead of a failed attempt.

It was stupid. He wasn’t even prepared. He hadn’t printed his letter or taken gotten what he needed from downstairs. He had to suffer through whatever his mother—



CONNOR

I’m here for you

I’m sorry about Zoe and Jared, but

I’m here for you

I just here to be your friend



“Connor?” Evan said.

Connor Murphy was climbing in through Evan’s window. Evan froze, unsure if this was real or he was having some strange hallucination.



CONNOR

There’s no map

Nobody has a clue how to do life

I’ve heard it’s been said

That everyone’s just pretending to know



You make your map

You learn some cues

Cause the scary truth is

We’re flying blind

And we have to make this stuff up as we go



“What the hell are you doing in my room?” Evan finally whispered.

“Um, well, I heard Zoe said she and Jared were coming to tell you they were dating, and I figured I would feel crushed to discover that if I were you, and so I came to make sure you were alright because I don’t want—“

“What the hell are you doing in my room?” Evan repeated.

Jared had said Connor would stalk him. Connor had eavesdropped on the conversation downstairs. Now he knew that Jared knew…what if Connor had been the one spreading the blackmail rumors and not Jared? Now Connor could spread the rumors and pretend it wasn’t because of the blackmail.

Connor was gay. Jared said Connor was manipulating Evan to go to homecoming. Evan couldn’t tell if people were manipulating him. Honestly, he had the hardest time knowing if people were being friendly or bullying him. Did Connor want to make out with Evan?

Evan remembered kissing Zoe on the couch. Then it was Jared and Zoe, on his couch where they sat today holding hands. Then it was Evan and Connor and the uncomfortableness settled as the hands wandered where Evan wished he had the courage to tell her to stop.

“Go away perv!” Evan shouted. “Get your hands off me!”

Chapter 41: No one cries when the villain dies

Summary:

Heads up that this goes to an even darker palce

Chapter Text

October 16-19, 2018

Connor stood there with his hands up. He had been reaching to give Evan a hug because Evan had seemed to appreciate that before when he was sad, but now that seemed like that wasn’t the case.

“Sorry,” Connor said. “I just thought you could use a hug. I won’t touch you. Just tell me you are fine. Tell me you aren’t going to climb another tree.”

Internally Connor felt his heart shattering into a million pieces, but he focused like he never was able to focus before. He had to know that Evan wasn’t going to hurt himself or try to kill himself. Then he would disappear. He just had to know that Evan was okay.

Evan gaped at him like a fish. His mouth opening and closing as if to pass water, but there was no water to pass.

Connor stepped forward to grab Evan’s arms, but he stopped himself. That was the last thing Evan wanted. Thunderous steps could be heard on the stairs. He was going to be caught, but he didn’t care as long as he knew Evan was okay.

“Fuck, Evan, please,” Connor pleaded, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Please, I need to know you aren’t going to kill yourself.

“Go away!” Evan shouted once more.

Connor took a step back towards the window, shrinking like Evan always did. Was this what Evan always felt like? Like the world hated him even though all he wanted was to give something to someone. Probably because Evan was innocent and pure, unlike Connor. Evan actually cared about people instead of just wishing everyone left him alone. Evan was good and Connor was bad. Their friendship would never have worked, not to mention the far-flung fantasies of rescuing Evan and then him falling in love with Connor.

Connor couldn’t make the difference. Connor couldn’t help save Evan. If anything, Connor was the one pushing Evan. The only way to save Evan was to disappear. That was all Connor wanted now.

The door crashed open. Zoe and Jared were there.

“Connor!” Zoe exclaimed.

“I fucking knew it!” Jared exclaimed.

Then there was Heidi and Connor could tell by her expression that everything Jared and Zoe had completely changed her opinion of him. He hadn’t realized how nice it was that she didn’t look at him like he was going to destroy everything he touched until she had that look on her face.

Everyone had that look on their face. Heidi, Zoe, Jared, and Evan… Evan with a black eye. The black eye that Connor had given him. A wave of somberness flowed over Connor. He had done that. He had hurt Evan.

“Connor?” Heidi said and turned to Evan. “When did he get into the house?”

Evan did a weird shrug and pointed to the open window as a phone began to buzz.

Connor looked to the source and saw Zoe check her phone before responding.

“Yes, dad, Connor is here…no…yes, I knew that was what you are going to ask because he just broke into this kid’s house…yes, I’ll bring him home…he won’t give me any trouble.”

Zoe looked up to Connor and Connor shook his head. No, he wasn’t going to fight. He was done fighting. That’s all he ever did and he wasn’t going to let it be the last thing he did. He will face the music.

He passed Zoe and Jared and led the way out of Evan’s room, downstairs, and out the front door. Then he waited for Zoe and Jared to catch up and to follow them to the car so they knew he wasn’t going to be running away this time. He was never going to run away again. He was only going to disappear.

He ignored Zoe and Jared on the drive back. He ignored his parents as they talked with Zoe. He sat quietly as his father attached the tracker to his leg, ignoring the long speech about what it could do. He then followed his mother upstairs as she went to lock him into his room once more.

The only thing he couldn’t ignore was when his mom placed his phone on his desk before stepping out to lock the door. It took a few minutes after she left for Connor to process what she had said.

“I feel bad leaving you in here and guessing when you need things. Text me if you need to use the bathroom, need water or food. I can’t let you roam anymore.”

It was a sweet gesture, but Connor didn’t care. Just like he didn’t care to turn off the lights or take off his shoes before laying down on his bed for the night.

For the first time, he didn’t cry. It was a heavy acceptance instead. It wasn’t like it was his fault. It wasn’t like he was broken. It was like he was made for this and for this purpose. To disappear.



The next morning, the phone was very nice to have when he awoke with a really full bladder an hour before his mother would normally wake up. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered her, but he figured it wouldn’t be nice to pee in his room when they were going to have to be cleaning it up shortly.

It was when he returned from the bathroom that he realized that his phone was an amazing tool. A tiny computer that allowed him access to the wealth of knowledge on the internet. It was something his dad always said and while Connor always responded, mostly internally, with ‘well, duh, that’s what a smartphone does’, but now it hit him with new clarity.

With his phone, he could discover how to escape the tracker without setting off an alarm and then how to escape the security system. While it was Wednesday and Connor didn’t really want to stick around until Saturday, he knew it was the best day for disappearing. First, because that was the only time the house was going to be empty and so he wouldn’t have to sneak around his mother and the security system. Second, because earlier would ruin Zoe’s chance of having a normal homecoming.

He knew the day would be ruined in some way or another because of his choice, but he would let her have a happy night with Jared before she had to face it. She would come home to worried parents until Mr. Wilson found his dead body. The obligatory tears would be shed and then everyone would be grateful he was gone. Then maybe, maybe Evan would finally be able to begin healing.



There’s a pathway in the park

That’s the final home for the lost

Those who haven’t left any good marks

And are tired of everyone else paying the cost



Death’s Bench

Is waiting for me

Society quenched

Their prize under a tree



Let no one mourn at my loss

For no one cries when the villain dies

Empty their pitying thoughts.



By Friday morning he had a solid plan. He would ask for tea in the morning and get the electric tea pot in his room. After his mother delivered dinner, he would take off his tracker that used heat sensors to tell if it had been removed and put it on the warm tea pot. Then five minutes after he heard everyone leave for dinner, he would pick his deadbolt lock (which he had successfully managed three times already) and sneak down to get the pills. Then he would deactivate the sensors on a window (because they were easier than the door sensors) and escape to the park.

His parents would assume he was up in his room when they returned from dinner with Zoe and Jared. The tracker would report him in his room. The earliest his mother would come and check on him was about midnight when she headed to bed, assuming Zoe returned by her curfew. That would give him at least five hours.

Now there was nothing about the plan that sat poorly with Connor. The plan was perfect. This plan was going to work. But Connor just felt so torn up inside about Evan. He hurt Evan. He broke Evan.

Connor looked out his window at the sunny backyards. He wished he could tell Evan he was sorry. He wished he could tell Evan that all Connor wanted was for Evan to feel happy and loved. But that was dumb and Connor had no way to contact Evan because Evan never added him back on social media and his phone number was blocked.

Then a thought flitted into his head. A note. Suicide notes are a thing.

Connor shook his head. He had decided not to leave a note. One reason was because then it would make it too real and he would most likely back out of the most important decision of his life, but the other was that a note made the departure seem premeditated…Of course he had been thinking of disappearing for at least a year, but he didn’t want everyone to know that.

But Evan. Would he be able to do this if he didn’t say he was sorry to Evan?

Connor turned to his desk. He still had a little over twenty-four hours to go. He might as well see if he could write a satisfactory letter to Evan. If not, he would burn all his tries and no one would know he even tried. If he found one that worked, he would leave it for Evan.

Surprisingly, the words came. He spent the rest of the day before having a letter that he felt was reasonable. He hoped it would help Evan.

Then he laid back in bed, realizing the end was coming and it felt relaxing. He closed his eyes and permitted his mind to dream of kissing Evan because it didn’t matter anymore. He would never see Evan again.

Chapter 42: So Big/So Small

Chapter Text

October 16, 2018

Evan stood there in his room, not sure his brain was really keeping up with all these changes in events. But he was really sure that everyone had left with Connor and let himself crumple to the floor in tears. Today had not been a very good day.

“Evan?” His mom’s voice came from behind him.

Shit. His mother hadn’t gone to see Connor and them to the door. She was going to freak out and he was going to end up in suicide watch again. His plans were going to be foiled again and he would have to wait longer before finally ending his messy excuse of a life.

“Evan, what’s wrong?” Mom asked, coming over and gently stroking his back.

Evan refused to look her in the face when she came around him. He didn’t want to be seen. He didn’t want to be the troubled kid. He didn’t want to cause so much worry in her life and here he was causing her more pain and worry. He wanted it to be over for the both of them.

“Was it because I told Jared and Zoe about the first week?” Mom asked.

Evan hugged himself. That was one of the many reasons.

“I’m sorry,” mom said. “It wasn’t my place to tell them. I just didn’t think that you would keep something like that from Jared. Being under suicide watch really is no different than being in the hospital for appendicitis. I know society doesn’t think of it in the same way, but eventually they will.”

Evan didn’t respond. He knew technically they were similar, but he didn’t want to be the one fighting for the change. He couldn’t handle the attention. He couldn’t handle small attention before he was made fun of in a viral video.

“I know you didn’t want me to tell your closest friends, but it will only open up that channel of communication, so you can tell them you need help if you need help. It’s like telling your friends you have a food allergy,” his mom continued. This was just making Evan feel weird. “They know to watch out for you. I know Jared tried to help out with your anxiety.”

Evan wanted to roll his eyes so badly at that statement, but he held it in. How could Jared care about his anxiety when he didn’t respond for days? How could he care when he told Evan to ask Zoe to homecoming before swooping in and asking her himself before Evan without telling Evan that he did it?

Honestly, he was happy for Zoe and Jared, but he just wished one of them would have told him before he made an idiot of himself in front of the whole school without realizing that eventually the whole world was going to see it.

“Come on,” mom said, motioning for Evan to get up.

Evan allowed himself to be pulled up and drug over to his bed where his mother enveloped him in her arms. It felt nice, but also uncomfortable. He still was broken and nice gestures still didn’t reach his actual feelings.



HEIDI

It was a February day

When your dad came by, before going away

A U-Haul truck in the driveway

The day it was suddenly real

I told you not to come outside

But you saw that truck

And you smiled so wide

A real live truck in your driveway

We let you sit behind the wheel

Goodbye, goodbye

Now it's just me and my little guy

And the house felt so big, and I felt so small

The house felt so big, and I felt so small

That night, I tucked you into bed

I will never forget how you sat up and said

"Is there another truck coming to our driveway?

A truck that will take mommy away"

And the house felt so big, and I felt so small

The house felt so big, and I

And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss

And I knew there would be space I couldn't fill

And I knew I'd come up short a billion different ways

And I did

And I do

And I will

But like that February day

I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say

There's not another truck in the driveway

Your mom isn't going anywhere

Your mom is staying right here

Your mom isn't going anywhere

Your mom is staying right here

No matter what

I'll be here

When it all feels so big

'Til it all feels so small

When it all feels so big

'Til it all feels so small

'Til it all feels so small



“I love you so much, Evan,” mom said, tears streaming down her own face.

“I love you too,” Evan replied, holding mom close. He needed her so badly, but he didn’t know what he needed. Honestly, he wasn’t sure anything she could do could reach down and fix the parts that were broken.

After a long moment, they finally broke apart. Mom dried her eyes.

“I don’t mean to ruin all of this,” mom began, Evan started to get nervous. “But we do need to discuss about everything that happened with Connor. Jared and Zoe told me that you and Connor were arrested for heroin.”

Evan stuck his hands between his legs.

“Why didn’t you tell me about it? From what they explained, you weren’t in the wrong. But hiding it from me makes me think that Connor has gotten you involved in drugs.”

Evan bit his tongue and dug his nails into his pants. He really wanted to stand up and yell at his mom like he yelled at Connor. He wanted to tell her that she always said she was going to be there, but then she wasn’t. He called her and she never answered when he needed her most.

“Evan, you know lying and hiding things from me is only going to make the consequences worse,” mom said. “You don’t want me to ground you from homecoming.”

The plans. Evan’s plans would be thwarted if he didn’t go to homecoming. He had already lied to her and told her the dance ended at midnight instead of eleven.

“I was…I was embarrassed,” Evan lied. “After I got arrested I realized that I should’ve stayed in the bathroom instead of running like I was guilty. I didn’t want to face your disappointment. Besides, Mr. Murphy cleared it all up so nothing is on my record.”

It was mostly true.

“And is it true that Connor is responsible for your black eye?” Mom asked.

Evan had no choice but to nod. Jared spared no truths in telling things to his mother. Didn’t Jared say he never told his parents the truth? What was up with him telling Evan’s mom the truth? He wished he knew some dark secret of Jared to throw back at Jared’s parents.

“Well, since you aren’t actually involved in drugs, I suppose the only thing I can ground you from in Connor and that is for your own safety. If Connor shows back up on our property, call 911 and report him. We’ll get a restraining order if needed. I don’t want him to hurt you anymore.”

Evan nodded. He was mostly nodding just to get his mother off his case and get moving. He was done with today.

His mother got up and made it to the door before turning back.

“I know things are hard right now, it seems like nothing will get better, but it will. Hold on.”

Then she left, thankfully closing the door behind her.

Now Evan was angry. It wasn’t something he felt very often. In fact, it was surprising. He normally felt nervous and blamed himself for things that go wrong because he always figured that it was because he was a defective child that those things happened. But not today.

Today Jared and his mother betrayed him. His mom told on his suicide watch to someone who had a habit of telling everyone everything. Then Jared had the gall to date Zoe without warning Evan so that Evan made a fool of himself.

Jared had no room to talk about be emotionally manipulative. Connor hadn’t spoken a word about Evan being on suicide watch. I mean, occasionally he asked about Evan and whether or not he was going to climb trees. Connor knew and handled it like Evan wasn’t a freak or fragile. Wasn’t that all that Connor asked? Wasn’t he just wanting the assurance that Evan wasn’t going to hurt himself?

When had Connor done anything wrong? Ok, the blackmailing thing was bad, but they both got over it. Oh yeah, Evan rubbed his black eye, he punched me. Well, he was really going after Jared…and if Connor was being protective of Evan, it made sense if Connor knew that Jared was dating Zoe and hadn’t warned Evan. It was something making Evan mad right now and Connor had worse anger issues.

No it was Evan that messed up. Yeah, Connor claimed to be gay, but he hadn’t done anything to make Evan uncomfortable. No, it was Evan that had touched him more than what a normal friend should touch people. Evan wasn’t even gay and he had been more perverted towards Connor than Connor had ever been towards him.

No. No, no. Did Evan really call Connor a pervert when Connor stumbled into his room hoping Evan wasn’t killing himself? Evan was the worst friend in the history of the world. And this wasn’t even including the letting Principal Ekerds expel Connor over the blackmail thing.

Connor came out to Evan and then Evan acted like a homophobic jerk. Why was he going from can’t talk to anyone to being mean to everyone? Was this just the progression?

Evan felt so guilty. How could he have done such a terrible thing to the guy who was just trying to be his friend? He wished he could go and apologize, but he couldn’t. He didn’t even know where Connor lived or where he was going to go to get his high school diploma. Besides, his mother didn’t want him to see Connor anymore and from the sounds of the lengths of what Zoe and Jared went to, they weren’t going to help him see Connor.

Then he remembered the letter. Maybe it was a good thing he hadn’t printed it off yet. He had a few new things to add to it.



Chapter 43: Homecoming

Chapter Text

October 20, 2018



“I survived,” Jared said, leaning back in the passenger seat of Zoe’s car. “I don’t know why you insisted on dinner with your parents before homecoming.”

“I already told you, it’s easier to keep my parents from judging you if you are just my date to homecoming instead of boyfriend,” Zoe said. “Besides, you did great. Dodged all their sneaky questions about your intentions about me.”

“Okay, that was really hard,” Jared said. “And I mean avoiding jokes like that. You owe me something.”

“Hmmm, maybe I’ll bake you a chocolate cake later,” Zoe said with a laugh.

Jared looked at her as she continued driving. She was so hot. She was also crazy intelligent, kind, strong, and his girlfriend. He was lucky. Who would have known watching Evan’s back would have started this?

They parked and Jared made to get out and get Zoe’s door when he saw her take a deep breath.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Zoe said in the way Jared knew meant something was off. Usually it meant Connor, but there was no way Connor was going to cause trouble tonight.

“Didn’t you hack your dad’s tracking account? Can’t you check to make sure he’s home?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Zoe said, smiling at him. She pulled out her phone. “I just feel bad doing this tonight. It’s supposed to us, and only us.”

“Well, it won’t really be us and only us if you’re worried that Connor is going to burst in and kidnap Evan,” Jared teased.

“Shut up! It’s just he hasn’t caused any trouble since Tuesday and he always does that before he blows up or gets in a major fight. He hasn’t yelled in days. It’s just not like him.”

“Yeah, it isn’t, but I’m not complaining. If I didn’t know better I would say he was struck by Cupid or something.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “If that was the case it would have happened a month ago.”

“Or maybe he had the much needed epiphany and now is going to actually start being a decent human being?”

“That’s just wishful thinking,” Zoe said with a laugh. “Alright, it says he is home and in his room. It will be a little while until he can escape and come and ruin everything.”

“He won’t ruin everything,” Jared said with an eye roll. “You’re too strong for that.”

He smiled as Zoe blushed at the compliment. He then jumped up and around to get her door and she patiently waited...because him getting the doors was something under the conditions of Jared taking her to homecoming. All he could say was that he appreciated her being frank about what she wanted. It made life easier for him.

He escorted her into the dance with a joke that made her laugh. If anyone had complaints about him stealing Evan’s girl, he hoped they saw Zoe’s face before bringing anymore complaints to his face. He was tired of it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Zoe said, grabbing the sides of Jared’s face. “Everyone will forget about that when homecoming is over and today we can just slip away from anyone who tries to say something tonight.”

“Where’s the music?” Jared said, after he kissed her.

“We must be early,” Zoe said, checking her phone from Jared’s pocket. “Or right on time.”

Alana Beck, student body president, spoke into the mike. Damn was she punctual.

“Welcome everyone,” Alana began as Jared scanned the stage to see if Alana had managed to land a date. Then he spotted Evan standing where Jared had expected Alana’s date to be standing.

“Did Evan tell you he was coming to homecoming?” Jared asked Zoe in a whisper as Alana kept talking.

“Shit, you’re right. He’s probably at home, which means Connor might—“

“No, look!” Jared whispered pointing to the stage where Evan was sulking in the shadows.

“Fuck!” Zoe replied. “He’s going to have a panic attack when he realizes that he has to dance in front of everyone.”

“What was Alana thinking?” Jared said as Alana escorted Evan out into the floor.

Evan wiped his hands on his pants and started dancing, his eyes anywhere but on Alana. Jared nervously grabbed Zoe’s hand, ready for Evan to freak out and run. But it didn’t happen.

The first song ended and Alana escorted Evan back to the stage to announce the dance had now begun. Evan survived and it looked like he wasn’t hyperventilating. This was new.

“He did it,” Zoe whispered in awe.

Then Kassie stepped into the open space as Evan and Alana got back on the stage. That was not good.

“Oh, um, Connor isn’t here!” Kassie called out and the crowd laughed.

Jared stepped to go and punch her before he realized it, but Zoe grabbed his arm.

“You can’t punch her, she’s a girl!” Zoe hissed.

“That seems rather sexist to me,” Jared hissed back, but he stopped.

“I’ll deal with her, you go find Evan,” Zoe said.

Jared looked up and noticed that Evan had bolted. Well, Evan had improved. Jared would never have expected him to survive dancing in front of everyone without running off. Running off after being made fun of in front of everyone made sense.

Jared made it to the hallway with the bathrooms when he saw the exterior doors bang closed. Normally Evan went to bathrooms and didn’t run off, but something told him that Evan was the one who went outside.

He started running. He made it through the doors and was pretty sure he saw Evan running off, towards the park. Of course he would run to the park. That seemed to be his new place to run off to. Jared berated himself for forgetting that.

Running was no fun in a suit. Jared slowed. He would be able to find Evan in the park. It wasn’t going to be that hard. Besides, Evan liked a little time before being comforted.

He loosened his tie and unbuttoned a few buttons as he wandered into the park. Wouldn’t it be great if they found out that Connor had broke out too and it was going to be another...wait. Evan was convinced there was nothing wrong with Connor blackmailing him. What if Evan had fallen for Connor and the blackmail was just a cover because Evan wasn’t comfortable being gay? Hadn’t Jared read some article about internalized homophobia and how it affected stuff?



Girls like boys and boys like girls

But sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls

And society doesn’t always make things easier for them

They tell them to hide and pretend it’s not true



Boy likes boy and boy likes girl

He’s afraid to decide because he knows what he prefers

And he feels like it’s a sin

And his friends all push him to the other side



Shit. What if he walked in on some late night romantic rendezvous of Evan and Connor? What if they were going at it? He hoped they remembered to use protection.

Well, if they weren’t, Jared can pretend he came to offer some. He was prepared in case things went well after homecoming, but he doubted it would happen because Zoe was obsessing over Connor coming and ruining everything. Well, running into Evan and Connor happily together might actually be good for him and Zoe. He’d just make sure Evan was good with it and then let them be.



Boy likes boy and girl likes boy

Taking care of boy together pushes them together

But they work to push the boy apart

Creating more trouble and pain



Girls like boys and boys like girls

But sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls

And friends don’t always make things easier for them

They tell them feel bad for hanging out together



Jared made it to Evan’s favorite spot by the lake and he wasn’t there. The bench where Jared found them last week was likely where Evan and Connor were meeting. Zoe just needed to come to terms with the fact that Evan liked Connor.

Evan had been improving. Maybe Connor was actually good for Evan and Evan, Connor.

He stepped into the dark clearing with the bench. He could make out someone on the bench and heavy breathing…but the figure on the bench wasn’t moving.

Jared tripped and spotted the source of heavy breathing. Evan was hyperventilating. He waved his hand in front of Evan’s eyes and he didn’t respond.

Shit. This was just like when the fire happened in the auditorium because Connor caught on fire.

Jared heard a retching noise and a gurgle. His eyes had adjusted more to the dark and he saw Connor’s prone figure on the bench choking on his vomit. He ran over and turned his head like he learned in first aid at camp.

Fuck. Had he just walked in on the ending of Romeo and Juliet? No. What if they made a suicide pact because of everything he and Zoe had been doing to keep them apart?

He grabbed his phone and called 911 as he made his way back over to Evan. As the phone rang he helped Evan lie down like the EMT showed him last time. He hoped it was just a panic attack and not something else that was making it hard for Evan to breath. What would even do that?

“911 dispatch, what’s your emergency?”

“My best friend and his boyfriend are both basically unconscious. I’m afraid they made a suicide pact or something. I need help!”

“Calm down, Sir, where are you?”

“I’m at the park in the middle of town, but we are at this clearing that is off the main path. It’s easier to find if you come from by the lake,” Jared undid Evan’s belt and put pressure on Evan’s chest to start controlling the breathing to a slower pace.

“Emergency help is on its way. Are the victims breathing?”

“Yeah, at least my friend is, the other guy just vomited.”

“Do you have any other clues as to what they took or have?”

“No, it’s too dark to really see anything.”

“Do you have a light so you can signal the emergency responders?”

“On my phone,” Jared replied. He then put his phone on speaker as he tried to turn the flashlight on while keeping his one hand on Evan to calm his breathing. It seemed to be working a little bit.

“Alright, they should be there shortly. Wave your flashlight to disclose your location.”

“Will do,” Jared replied as 911 hung up.

“Hang in there Evan,” Jared whispered. “I’m sorry for keeping you away from Connor. I won’t do it again.”



Chapter 44: You Will Be Found

Chapter Text

October 20, 2018

Evan was in a hospital. He recognized the style of the room and the hallway past the doorway. He wasn’t quite sure how he got here. In front of him was an attractive nurse...no, just nurse. What was wrong with him?

“Evan, Evan, you alright now?” The nurse said.

“Um, I, uh, I guess,” Evan replied, looking at the ground.

“Good, I’m going to go check on some other patients and be right back, but your buddy is here for you,” the nurse said and then he indicated to a chair behind him where Jared was sitting.

Evan nodded and the nurse left.

Jared didn’t move or say anything. Evan played with his arm. It had been almost a week and he still acted like he had his cast on. He was pathetic.

Now how did he get here? Evan remembered leaving the dance and running to the park.

He froze. He was running to the park to kill himself. He was in a hospital. Had they searched him? Was he in suicide watch? His mother would flip, so would Jared and Zoe. Everyone will know about him. Everyone will know he is a freak. He won’t be able to go anywhere without people know and looking at him like he was a freak.

He was a freak a freak that destroyed Connor—Connor. He remembered Connor. Connor was on the bench and very not alive. Evan had pushed Connor to suicide by acting like a homophobic prick. Connor was dead and it was all Evan’s fault.

The world started getting fuzzy again. All Evan could think of was Connor. Connor unmoving on death’s bench.

“Evan! Breathe with me,” a voice from faraway said.

But breathing was hard. Evan’s face was getting tingly.

“Evan, your friend is going to be alright,” the voice continued. “You don’t need to worry. He’s stabilized.”

Who was the handsome nurse talking about?

“He’s not conscious, but he’s stabilized. He’ll be alright and you will too if you just breathe.”

Evan tried a deep breath and it didn’t work. He couldn’t do it. He was broken. He couldn’t function normally. He didn’t even know why he tried.

Connor. He needed to apologize to Connor.

“Come on, Evan. Breathe or I’ll get your mother.” The nurse said. “Breathe. You can do it.”

 

Nurse

When the darkness comes shining through

When you think you’ve lost someone close to you

There is no need to despair

Learning to believe is part of learning to achieve



Your friend was found

You will be too

Breathe to help your friend

Flying blind is how it goes



Evan felt his breathing getting under control.

“Connor’s okay?” Evan asked the moment he could.

He heard a snigger and realized Jared was there. He wasn’t going to let Evan live this down, but Evan would have to deal with it later. Right now he needed to make sure Connor was okay and apologize.

“He will be,” the nurse said. “Just promise me you’ll breathe and be good in here. Then you’ll be able to see him when he comes round and asks for you.”

Then he left.

Evan fidgeted in the chair. He still wasn’t sure how he or Connor got from the park to the hospital. Evan looked up when he heard a cough. Jared was there.

“So, um, were you planning on meeting Connor in the park?” Jared asked.

Evan looked away and shook his head.

“Well, I, uh, suppose it was good that you found him,” Jared said. “I was only following you. He wouldn’t have made it without you.”

Evan felt his eyes water at the thought of Connor dying. Had Evan really made an impact in saving Connor’s life?

Evan was enveloped in Jared’s arms and he hugged Jared back as tears flowed from Evan’s eyes. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying. It could have been leftover from thinking Connor was dead in the park, it could’ve been relief that Connor was alive, it could’ve been because Jared had actually done something nice for Connor, it could’ve been anything.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jared whispered as he patted Evan on the back. “I’m sorry I tried to stop you from being friends with him. Apparently he really needs someone who understands him and you...well, you know what it feels like to feel that way.”

All of a sudden Evan felt burning shame. The rope and note in his suit jacket felt like they were burning him. So much so Evan feared Jared would feel it to so he finally broke the hug, pretending he just needed to find a tissue.

Jared put his hand on Evan’s shoulder and opened his mouth to speak when the nurse returned.

“Evan Hansen?” He said.

Jared stepped back and Evan nodded at the nurse.

“Um,” the nurse gave Jared a look and Jared left the room.

“We were going through the stuff Connor had on him and we found this note,” the nurse said, pulling something from his top pocket. “It was addressed to you. Would you like to go and see him?”

Evan nodded, reaching for the note, but the nurse put it back in his pocket.

“I’ll let you read it when we get there,” he said, motioning for Evan to follow him.

Down several hallways and up an elevator they finally made it to a closed door, but another nurse stopped them.

“What are you doing?” The new nurse hissed at the nurse that had been helping Evan. “No visitors. He hasn’t even been identified by his parents yet.”

“Fuck off, Hector,” Evan’s nurse replied. “The kid wrote his suicide note to this one. Clearly he wants to be visited by him.”

“But you have to go through the process to get on the list. If he isn’t immediate family, he—“

“I already told you, fuck off, Hector! Isn’t your shift done in ten minutes anyway? I won’t tell anyone.”

Hector gave Evan’s nurse a look over before stalking off and Evan’s nurse quickly herded Evan into Connor’s hospital room. Evan felt a little nervous like he wasn’t really supposed to be there, but then he saw Connor and he didn’t want to abandon him. The nurse handed Evan the note.

“You have until his parents show up,” the nurse said and then he left.

Evan went to the chair at Connor’s bedside and looked Connor over. He was definitely breathing now...not that Evan really checked for breathing at the park. But Connor was all wired into multiple machines. It was frightening.

Evan was sweating. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was nervous or because he was wearing a suit, but he took off his suit coat anyway. It felt like a burden was lifted off his shoulders.

Then he opened the note and read it.



Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why: your bully who ruins your life is finally dead. You will be free to not worry about me snapping and destroying your life or showing up where I’m not wanted. You don’t have to worry when I’ll snap and beat you up. You won’t feel creeped out at my inability to be a friend.

I’m sorry I’m incapable of being a good friend. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I made you feel forced to spend time with me. I never meant for it to go that far.

I hope you get better and stop wishing you were dead. Someone as sweet as you should never feel like you don’t have a place in this world to make a difference. If I weren’t so broken, maybe you could have changed me too.

I didn’t do this all because of you. Everyone’s life will be better this way. I won’t get in fights, I won’t be a disappointment, I won’t hurt anyone this way.

Sincerely, your closest and dearest friend,

Connor



Evan was sobbing. How could Connor feel like the terrible friend? Evan was the terrible friend.

Evan looked at Connor and wasn’t sure what to do other than look at him. He reflected back to when his grandpa was in the hospital before passing away. His mom had told him to hold his hand.

Evan reached out and grabbed Connor’s hand. He sat there for a while, holding and stroking Connor’s hand, wishing there was some way he could tell unconscious Connor how much he meant to Evan when they were friends.

Eventually, Evan whispered to the unconscious form of his old friend.

“My life was better with you in it. And I was the terrible friend. I was the one that crossed boundaries of decency, I was the one who couldn’t stand up for my friend, I was the one who failed to realize you were hurting while you saw right through me. I’m sorry.”



Evan

Even when the dark comes crashing through

When you need a friend to carry you

When you’re broke and on the ground

You will be found



So let the sun come streaming through

If you reach out then you’ll rise again

If you only look around

You will be found



There was movement. Connor was moving. His eyes were fluttering. Was he going to wake up now?

Evan took a deep breath. Connor shouldn’t freak out when he sees Evan here, right? Right. He would apologize and everything would go back to normal.

But then Connor didn’t move. Evan stood up and leaned over Connor to get a better look at him. Had his eyes actually fluttered earlier?





Chapter 45: Evan, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Chapter Text

October 20, 2018

Pain and pain and then nothing. This was it. Connor had finally achieved it. He disappeared.

Unfortunately, there seemed to be some sort of existence after death. Connor had been hoping that there wasn’t, but hopefully here he wouldn’t be able to harm other people. Hopefully here his existence wouldn’t be a burden on everyone.

He began wandering around trying to understand where and what he was. He could move and it felt like he had some type of body. What if he was a ghost? That would be fun. Go haunt houses...no. He was supposed to not burden people anymore...go haunt the ghosts that haunted houses...that would be interesting.

He kept wandering around. It was like a place but not like a place. Was he in some type of prison cell? Isolation after life for what he had done in life? It was like an aura of nothing.

It wasn’t bad. It was getting cozy. Connor jumped and spun like he had seen figure skaters do and he could land it perfectly. This was great! His whatever body he had now could do anything. He could pretend to be the brooding phantom or jump around like a Newsie or whatever he wanted. To top it off, he knew he wouldn’t be annoying anyone or harming anyone even though he didn’t mean to.



This is death, death is great

I can’t hurt anyone else’s day

I am free, I am clear

To do whatever I want to cheer



Evan’s free, free from me

I can’t make him uncomfortable

Or force him to act like I’m his friend



Zoe’s free, free from me

I can’t blow my top and hurt her more

She and Jared can be happy



Mom and dad are free, free from me

They will live through this last disappointment

And then go back to life before me



And here I am

Free from pain and torture of depression

Free from judging glances and mean rumors



This is death, death is great

I can’t hurt anyone else’s day

I am free, I am clear

To do whatever I want to cheer



His hand was warm. Connor looked down and saw someone holding his hand. He followed the arm up and saw the shape of a person.

“Who are you?” Connor asked.

“I’m your guide,” the figure replied.

“You’re creepy,” Connor told the figure bluntly.

“I can take whatever form you choose.”

Connor immediately thought of Evan, of course he thought of Evan. The figure changed and became an Evan. He was clearly different as he wasn’t hunched over or nervously looking around.

Connor felt a twinge of guilt. He was appropriating the image of the guy he liked who didn’t like him back to be his guide to the afterlife...but it wasn’t like Evan would ever know. Evan was the only person Connor had gotten close to in life, it only made sense that the one person Connor was close to would be his guide.

Connor was now standing in front of guide-Evan. They were just looking at each other.

“What now?” Connor asked.

Guide-Evan shrugged.

“You’re the guide, aren’t you supposed to know?”

“I forgot,” guide-Evan replied. He started shrinking like the real Evan did.

“No, it’s okay,” Connor said, coming forward to comfort guide-Evan. “We can just hang out here until you remember.”

They sat down on whatever ground this was. Connor couldn’t help but smile to be with guide-Evan. He wondered if it was just a form of companionship in his afterlife cell of nothing. He wondered if he could kiss guide-Evan without causing any problems.

As if guide-Evan has heard his thoughts, which he probably did, guide-Evan leaned forward so their faces got closer. Connor reached out and felt warmth in his hands as he pulled Evan closer.

He closed his eyes and puckered for his first kiss.

Their lips met and it was warm and wonderful. Connor experimented a little with movement and would’ve sworn guide-Evan kissed back. Somehow he made it to heaven and got to kiss the last guy he liked for the rest of his afterlife. If he would have known this was what was waiting for him, he would’ve done it much sooner.

As if in response to that thought, pain overtook his abdomen. Connor broke away from the kiss in pain.

His arms were hurting too. They felt restrained. Was this his welcome to hell? A false sense of security and happiness only to tear it away from him to give him pain.

His eyes opened and the space took shape. There were definitely walls. There was a door with a window and Zoe was in the window with his parents just outside the door.

Right in front of him, Connor’s arms still around his neck, was Evan. His face a look of puzzled surprise.

No. This couldn’t be. No. Fuck no.

He was lying in a bed. He was in a hospital. He had kissed Evan Hansen, the real Evan Hansen. Fuck, He had failed in disappearing and was back making things worse than ever!

He pushed Evan away.

“Fuck!” His voice sounded hoarse.

He pushed off the blankets.

“Fuck!”

He started pulling out his IV.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

The IV was free and he went to stand up when he discovered his other hand was tethered to the bed as well.

By this point hospital people had rushed in, taking Evan away and grabbing Connor. Connor tried to push them off, but he was hit with a sudden wave of pain. They succeeded in grabbing him and holding him down to the bed.

Connor continued to struggle as they tried to reinsert his IV. He was not going to take this. He was not going to stay. He was going to—

Ouch! Someone pricked him in his thigh. He continued to struggle until he felt his muscles go limp. They must have given him a sedative.



Connor was alone the next time he woke up. He went to move, only to find that his arms and legs were bound to the bed. He supposed he deserved that.

Fuck. He hadn’t died. Then the first thing he did was prove Evan he was completely right to be concerned about Connor pushing past boundaries and doing inappropriate things to him. And fuck! His parents had been watching through the window.

What a way to come out to them! Kissing your only friend after failing to kill yourself.

Now Evan was going to think that Connor only killed himself because Evan rejected him. Then Zoe was there and she already thought Connor was dating Evan and now Evan will feel pressured to act like they are dating because Zoe saw them kissing. Connor just fucked everyone’s life up just a little bit more. He never would have thought that possible.

Why did they save him? Didn’t they know that the world would be better off without him? Who found him? Who was mean enough to put him through this torture again?

He had been so close, so close!



I’m alive, this isn’t freedom

I’m alive and burning every bridge I have

I’m broken because I’m alive



I wish I were nothing

I wish I vanished into nothing

Turn me into dust right now



If I don’t disappear

I’ll burn down the world

This isn’t what I want

Please don’t save me



Connor closed his eyes and wished himself to sleep again. He didn’t want to deal with visitors or well-wishers who would only care because suicide is a ‘bad thing’. They didn’t understand. It was mercy. Mercy to the world and mercy for Connor.

Now he would have to live knowing he fucked Evan up even more and figure out how to not fuck him up again.



Evan, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.



Chapter 46: Life's a Stupid Game

Chapter Text

October 20, 2018

Evan was ushered away from Connor’s room along with everyone that had been waiting outside, which included the rest of the Murphy’s and Jared. They were taken to a separate waiting room while Zoe and Jared whispered. Evan simply followed because the nurse that had pulled him from the room hadn’t let go of his upper arm yet.

He wasn’t sure when the Murphy’s arrived or what they knew. He felt awkward, like he shouldn’t be there, especially after what had just happened.

But he wasn’t really given much choice.

Once everyone was seated the nurse clapped his hands to get their attention.

“Family and friends of Connor Murphy,” he began. “Good news and bad news. Good news: Connor is physically stable. He does have a bit of liver damage, but with a simple prescription, he will be fine. Bad news: he appears to be more mentally unstable than we first expected.”

“Expected?” Mr. Murphy repeated.

“Yes, we usually expect attempted suicide patients to have some mental concerns. However—“

“Suicide?” Mr. Murphy repeated again.

“Will you let me finish?” The nurse gave Mr. Murphy a hard look to make sure he wouldn’t interrupt again before continuing. “Very good. Now, as I was saying, normally family members and friends are permitted to visit as soon as the patient comes to. But that has clearly not gone well and so we have to wait until he mentally stabilizes before you are able to visit.”

“But this punk—“

Evan cowered a bit when he noticed Mr. Murphy pointing at him, but the nurse cut Mr. Murphy off.

“I said no interruptions. I’m sorry. Your son is unstable. You will not be able to visit until he is. We will call you the moment you can visit.”

“Thank you,” Mrs. Murphy said, putting her arm on Mr. Murphy’s to encourage him to not say another word.

“Very well, I have work to get back to. See yourselves out when you are ready,” the nurse said before leaving them alone in silence.

It was heavy and Evan didn’t dare stand up. The last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to himself. Clearly the Murphy’s didn’t like him.

“Suicide,” Mrs. Murphy repeated. “I didn’t expect that his outward violent nature would ever turn inward. I can’t believe it.”

Mr. Murphy scoffed.



LARRY

We give him the world

He throws it away

He thinks life’s a stupid game

With no rules to follow

He wastes everything

Nothing is safe

I don’t think it’s what you think



CYNTHIA

He’s just a boy, he needs our help,

Love, patience, and understanding

I don’t understand how he got here

But I think we should believe him



ZOE

why are you hiding behind your denial?

Why don’t you open your eyes and see



Zoe pointed to Evan and Evan turned away to pretend he wasn’t eavesdropping on their conversation. He didn’t want them to realize it was him that drove Connor to try and kill himself.



ZOE

That he was afraid of what you think



“What do you mean, Zoe?” Mrs. Murphy asked. “He was afraid of us? Why would he be afraid of us?”



ZOE

WHY? Can’t you see that he just

Lied—to hide his feelings for his friend

Can’t you see that he was afraid to come out as gay?

And hide his relationship



“Zoe! Stop with these idle accusations!” Mr. Murphy snapped. “Connor is not gay. It’s not nice to—“

“He and Evan have been in a relationship and they’ve both been afraid to tell anyone because of you!” Zoe snapped.

Evan blushed. Why was she saying that? He and Connor weren’t dating.

Then Mr. Murphy walked over to face Evan. Evan looked at his shoes, sure everyone would suppose he was dating Connor because of how red his face was. There was no way he would be able to say anything to Mr. Murphy, not today.

“Are you in a—a relationship with my son?” Mr. Murphy demanded.

Evan shook his head, hoping he wouldn’t have to speak to convince him.

“See!” Mr. Murphy said, standing up and turning harshly to Zoe. “False accusations! If this were truly a suicide attempt, it would be because people like you and your boyfriend tease people like Connor for being feminine. Then you tell them their only hope in life is being gay or manning up! It’s not nice to call people gay when they aren’t gay!”

“Connor is gay,” stumbled out of Evan’s mouth. He couldn’t believe it, he just outed Connor to his parents. That was the wrong thing to do, especially now that Mr. Murphy rounded on Evan.

“What did you say? What makes you say my son is gay? Is it because he has long hair? He paints his nails? I warned him that people would think that and that his life would suck, but he didn’t listen. Now his supposed friends—“

“Shut up and let the poor boy speak,” Zoe snapped. “Evan, what makes you say Connor is gay?”

“He told me,” Evan replied as he played with the rolled up sleeve of his dress shirt. “He told me he was gay.”

Mr. Murphy huffed before turning away from Evan and back towards his family. Everyone watched him apprehensively.

“What?” Mr. Murphy demanded. “That still doesn’t mean I’m convinced this is real and not just some calculated attempt to—“

“Let’s go home, dear,” Mrs. Murphy replied. She stood up and grabbed her husband’s hand before dragging him out of the room. Zoe followed.

Evan sat there alone in the room, soaking in the silence. Connor tried to kill himself because of him. Connor felt like he was the bad friend when it was really Evan’s fault, Evan needed to finish what he went to the park to do. He needed to—

“Hey, Evan,” a soft voice materialized next to him.

Evan nearly jumped out of his seat in shock. Who else was here?

“Sorry,” Jared said, putting his hand on Evan’s back to calm him. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Evan looked to Jared and then back at the tile near his shoes.

“Um, I don’t mean to be rude or pry, but what happened in there with Connor?” Jared asked.

Evan blushed. He didn’t want this question. He didn’t want to admit that the first thing Connor did when he came to was kiss him. That was embarrassing.

“Um, I just sat there and read his letter and then he woke up and, uh, he wasn’t happy to find that he was still alive,” Evan mostly told the truth.

“The stuff with Connor,” Jared said. “It wasn’t your fault. I never felt more like a giant dick until today. I’m such a terrible friend.”

Evan pulled away from Jared’s hand to look at him. Jared felt like a terrible friend too?

Jared leaned back in his chair.

“I know, I shouldn’t even be here. But I helped by calling 911. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I hope that shows to you that I’m going to try and be a better person now. I’m going to try and think before I speak...key word being try.

“I just—sitting here, what if Connor hadn’t talked to you the first day? Would I have been called to the hospital with you? Maybe it was him that encouraged you to reach out instead of just...going through with it. Then here Zoe and I have been trying to keep you two apart when maybe both of you needed each other because you understand each other.

“Because I sure as hell don’t understand. And it makes me angry to think that you or Connor would do this to your family and friends. And that makes me a worse friend because the last thing you need is me yelling at you for wanting to kill yourself, but it hurts! And I don’t know how to—“

Jared cut short and broke down into sobs.

Evan was shocked. He hadn’t expected this type of response from Jared. At first he didn’t know how to respond, but then he remembered his mother’s comforting hugs and Jared’s pats on the back and he felt they were appropriate for the situation.

They sat there together and eventually Jared stopped crying. Then they continued to cuddle in silence.

Maybe Jared was right. Maybe the best thing Evan could do for Connor was to be there for him and understand. Maybe Evan wasn’t alone in feeling lost and unable to be a good friend and sometimes just being you is all a friendship needs. Wasn’t that all Evan needed when he hung out with Connor?

Connor singing his heart out to the Phantom of the Opera music, Connor laughing ridiculously loud at dumb things people do for the sake of being YouTube famous, Connor not being afraid to speak his mind even though it contradicts what everyone else says. That was the most fun Evan had in a long time. The most important part of all of those moments was Connor just being there and being real.

“Evan? Jared?” A familiar voice came from the door.

Evan looked up and saw his mom.

“What happened to homecoming?”

Jared and Evan exchanged a glance.

“It got a little boring and so we found where the real excitement was happening,” Jared teased.

For whatever reason, Evan laughed at his dumb joke and it felt nice...until he got home and the weight of Connor’s almost suicide descended upon him. Then he lectured himself about laughing at the wrong time because laughing about someone trying to kill themselves was inappropriate.

But then he felt guilty for trying to kill himself again. If Connor hadn’t tried that night and instead discovered the next morning what Evan had done, Connor might have gone through and killed himself as well. He would have just encouraged him, even though Evan didn’t even know he was suicidal. What if Zoe or Jared had been suicidal? What if he pushed them?

But he would never know because he didn’t do it. He went to pull out his suicide note from his pocket to try and see if he had really talked himself out of trying to kill himself once and for all and he couldn’t find it.

Shit. It was in his suit coat pocket with the prepared noose and he had left his coat at the hospital somewhere.

Evan sunk into his bed. It was going to be found and he was going to have to suffer through another suicide watch. What was Connor going to think?



Chapter 47: Friends remember what is important to you

Chapter Text

October 27-31, 2018

Life sucked. If Connor had any idea how much torture suicide watch was, he might have waited until he got his hands on a gun. He was trapped in the hospital and everyone who came and talked to him were trying to tell him about life.

Fuck life! Sure there may be things worth waiting for and experiencing, but he wouldn’t get to those points because all he was going to do was hurt people and break things. It was a little about him wanting to avoid dealing with all those problems, but it was more about not pushing anyone (well, really just Evan) to his point because he was nothing but a bully who destroyed everything he touched.

After a week, however, he had lost his fire. He wasn’t angry. He just laid in the bed except for when he was forced to get up and go anywhere. He realized Evan hadn’t taken as long when he was in suicide watch, but he supposed Evan was better off mentally than Connor.

After returning from dinner, Connor decided that this was going to be his new prison. Not his house, not an actual prison, the hospital. It was better because he didn’t have to deal with his family and he didn’t have to deal with roommates. He was alone in his room, even though the room was stripped of useful things.

Just when he was letting nothing take over his mind, a nurse came in.

“Time for visiting hours,” he said.

Connor didn’t know why he was telling him that. He never had visitors. He didn’t want visitors. He hadn’t given any names to the people hoping his family wouldn’t come.

“Come on, Connor,” the nurse said.

Connor knew well enough not to argue or fight and he also didn’t have the energy to do so. He got up and followed the nurse from his room. Then he opened a door and motioned for Connor to enter.

As soon as he reached the doorway, Connor froze. There was his family. Mom, Dad, and Zoe. This was the last thing he wanted.

“Connor!” His mother exclaimed, pulling him into the room with a hug.

The door clicked closed behind him and he knew he was trapped with his family.

“We’re so sorry, we didn’t know you felt this way,” mom sobbed into his shoulder.

Connor cut out emotions, mostly because he knew he would likely cry if he allowed himself to get angry at them. He let himself stand there emotionless. He would let them get out their empty platitudes so they could feel better about themselves.

He didn’t even bother listening to whatever his mother said, but as soon as she finished talking he took a seat in the chair on the opposite side of the room.

Zoe was on her phone, also trying to not pay attention. Dad was sitting stoically. Connor always wondered if his father felt emotions or if he fell perfectly into the expectation of men to not have feelings. But he needed to stop thinking about that or he would cry and crying in front of his father was a bad idea.

“Are you going to answer your mother?” Dad demanded.

Connor realized that he had blocked out a question directed at him.

“What?” He replied.

“How has your stay been?”

Connor stared at his mother like she was crazy. Who goes and asks someone who is locked up what it is like to be locked up? Would she have asked that type of question if this was prison instead of a hospital?

“It fucking sucks,” Connor replied.

“Attitude, Connor,” dad snipped. “We are taking time out of our day to visit you. Don’t you appreciate us being here for you?”

“What the fuck, dad? She asked me a question and I gave her the truth.”

“I said attitude and you are still mouthing off. What is this, a game for you?”

“How am I acting like this is a game? Do you think I want to fucking be here?”

“For some reason you seem to think it’s better than boarding school.”

Dad stood up in frustration and Connor stood up to match him.

“Excuse me? I want to be here? I never asked to be here!”

“Right, like you didn’t go through those pamphlets to find a reason to not have to go to boarding school and then concoct this plan so you wouldn’t have to go!”

“What?!”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! The pamphlet specifically states that it can’t take on suicidal students because they aren’t staffed enough and then you go and land yourself in suicide watch so you can’t go there anymore! This was just an attempt to thwart any plan for your improvement we come up with!”

“What the fuck! No! This isn’t an act! I fucking wish I died instead of being here dealing with you fuckwads! I don’t want to be in this hospital, I want to be six feet under!”

Connor rarely got violent on his father, mostly because he knew his father could take him. Today he didn’t care. He grabbed his father by the shoulders and gave him a shove.

Dad quickly grabbed Connor’s wrists and pulled them down to Connor’s side.

“When are you going to stop this act so we can go home?!” Dad hissed.

“It’s not an act!”

Connor used his upper body to shove his father away and hopefully break from his grasp, but that part didn’t work.

“What do you mean this isn’t an act?! Any time we try to help you, you always find a way to sabotage it! This is just like every other time!”

He was holding Connor’s shoulders now. Connor turned and finally managed to push himself free.

“Well I’m sorry I fucking failed to kill myself! I’ll be sure to not fuck up next time! I’m done dealing with myself too! I’m so fucking done! I just want it to all be done!”

Connor could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He ran to the door, but he was locked in.

“Alright, bravo,” dad said with fake applause. “Great acting. Maybe you can use it on stage instead of with your family. Now come here and talk—“

“Dad! It isn’t an act!” Zoe exclaimed. Her voice was cracking.

Connor turned around to see that she was crying, which didn’t help his resolve to not cry, but he managed somehow.

The door opened, knocking Connor back a little. But he took his opportunity and slipped through the door. Unfortunately there were a couple of nurses who caught him and drug him back to his room.

Connor just wanted to run. Run and leave this shitty town far behind him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to try a new life, but all he knew is he wanted to never have to see his family or Evan again. But he couldn’t. He was trapped in suicide watch forever, until they realized he was a lost case and let him finish the job.



“That’s it for the day,” Dr. Merguez concluded the therapy session. Connor wasn’t even sure how many times he’d seen her. They were all running together in a blur.

“I’ll be seeing your parents later today for their lessons. It’s the first time I’ll be meeting with them,” she said.

Connor didn’t reply. He thought he was done for the day.

“I’ll be seeing if they are ready to come and visit you again, but I’m going to make them wait a few more visits with me first. How does that sound?”

Connor glared at the ground. He just wished his parents would abandon him.

“Well, in the meanwhile, are you sure there isn’t anyone else you would like to give permission to visit you? Like the boy who rescued you or the one you wrote your note to?”

Connor tapped his heels while he debated. Of course he was never going to give Jared permission to come, but he had debated whether or not to give Evan a chance to come. He didn’t expect Evan to come after what happened when he came to. Thus, he didn’t want to put Evan’s name down and be heartbroken everyday he didn’t come. It was going to be like when he added Evan on social media and never got added back.

What the hell, Evan hated him now. Putting his name on the list was only going to prove that point. Might as well hate yourself on a confirmed basis instead of an imagined one.

“Sure,” Connor said, ignoring the happy-surprised look on Dr. Merguez’s face. “Let’s add Evan Hansen.”

“Evan Hansen,” she repeated, writing it down. “Awesome! I hope he comes. It would do you good to have a friendly visit.”

Connor rolled his eyes as he approached the nurse waiting to take him back to his room. So much optimism. How could she be so optimistic? He was a lost case. His family needed therapy before talking to him. And Evan wasn’t coming to visit him.



Connor had been back from therapy for ten minutes when there was a knock on his door. He even checked the time on the clock to make sure he hadn’t zoned out or fallen asleep. This was not in the schedule!

“You have a visitor,” the nurse who opened his door said.

Connor took a deep breath to calm the anxiety from the break in routine. A visitor? Who? Evan? His therapist wouldn’t have even had time to put Evan in the system yet. There was no way it was Evan. It had to be Zoe.

He followed the nurse, trying to think what Zoe would say or what he could say to Zoe. He fucked her life up and she reciprocated. They fought and hated each other, even though Connor only wished her the best and wanted her safe. Was she going to try and mend their relationship? That would be dumb. They had nothing in common.

The door to the visiting room opened and Connor froze in the doorway. It was Evan.

“Are you going to go in?” The nurse asked, pulling Connor back from his shock.

Connor shuffled forward so that the nurse could close the door. Then he went back to staring at Evan. This couldn’t be possible.

“Um, hi,” Evan said with a little wave.

Connor looked away and found the most uncomfortable seat in the room to sit down on, a bench on one of the side walls. Why was Evan here?

Evan stood up and awkwardly approached Connor. He courteously didn’t ask how Connor was doing and Connor appreciated it.



Friends remember what is important to you

Friends show they care

Friends give you chocolate



Evan pulled out a Reese’s and put it on Connor’s lap. Connor stared for a moment before looking up. Evan remembered and brought it with him.



Friends make life worth living

They help you when you are down and out



Evan took a seat next to Connor, but Connor continued to stare at the Reese’s.

“It’s from the vending machine, I hope you don’t mind. I just, the one I got for you originally melted because it was hot one day last week and I left it in my backpack on my walk over and so I couldn’t give that to you. Then I didn’t know when I’d be able to see you and then I was and so I had to run and I saw it in the machine. So I just barely—“

“No, it’s great,” Connor said flatly. He was still processing everything to really feel anything. “I just… Why? Why do you still want to be my friend? I crossed some major boundaries when I came to. It was exactly what you were worried about and I did that to you. I even punched you. I don’t deserve your friendship.”

Connor put the Reese’s on Evan’s lap.



Friends understand you

They understand what you are trying to do

They forgive you when they know you didn’t mean it

They stick around when things get dark

And don’t spill all your secrets



Duet

Friends remember what is important with you

Friends will show you they care

Friends make life worth living/friends remind you why life is worth living

They are there when you are down and out

Connor picked the Reese’s up and then threw his arms around Evan’s neck as he broke down crying. Evan just hugged him back and it was the nicest physical touch Connor felt like he ever had. It was like he wasn’t Connor anymore, but in a good way.

He was crumbling and falling apart, but Evan was there to help with the process of putting them back together. Connor felt like he could be someone new if Evan stuck around and stayed his friend.



Chapter 48: Walking through life is easier with friends

Chapter Text

November 1-2, 2018

Evan planned to visit Connor every day after that. He remembered how much that helped him when his mother did that...other than him worrying about her losing her job. But that wasn’t something Connor could worry about because Evan didn’t have a job.

For the first time, Evan felt like he was getting to know Connor better. Connor told Evan about things that he felt contributed to what became of him and the mess of his family. Yesterday, Connor told Evan all about the fiasco when his parents visited. Connor cried a long time on Evan’s shoulder after that. And Evan liked Connor crying on his shoulder. It made him feel like he mattered to Connor, that he had a purpose in being alive, that he was capable of being a friend.

Today it was too cold to go and spend lunch out in the woodlet like he had been doing. Instead he went to their spot under the stairs. It was nice to reminisce about simpler times with Connor. Sure, they were keeping their friendship hidden, but that was when Evan wasn’t worried about if they were real friends or if Connor was going to hurt him or if Connor was ever going to gather enough will to live to leave suicide watch.



Connor was in my same shoes

I never knew he was

But now we both know and understand

I’ve never been this close to anyone



It’s been nice to have a friend

One who understands and gives you space

And is willing to let things slide

And you know how to do the same



For the first time looking out

I know someone who sees me too

Someone whose helped me and I can help him

Walking through life is easier

With him



Duet with memory Connor

Friends are there and understand

Friends forgive and assist

Friends remember and love



Evan was imagining the spring, going around and showing Connor all the new buds and leaves and teaching him about trees and Connor watching in awe, paying attention to every word. Their faces got close and—no! That was incorrect! This was left over from his fantasy with Zoe. This wasn’t real. Evan had no desire to kiss Connor. Besides, Connor already kissed him. It wasn’t anything.

The bell rang and Evan jumped up. He hadn’t realized lunchtime had passed. He grabbed the remained of his lunch and shoved in his backpack as he made his way out from under the stairs. He almost ran literally into Alana, but he caught himself before running into her.

He quickly swapped his books from his locker. He closed it and turned to leave, but someone was blocking him.

“Oh, um, Connor’s not here,” some girl said. If Evan remembered correctly her name was Kassie, she was the one who had said it at homecoming too. It wasn’t anything bothersome by this point, in fact it was more annoying.

Evan rolled his eyes and tried to slip away to class, but Kassie moved to block him.

“What happened homecoming night? I heard you and Connor were falling all over each other like Romeo and Juliet.”

Evan sidestepped, hoping to slip away, but Kassie moved to block him instead.

“What happened to Connor anyway? He hasn’t been back at school, is he dead?”

Evan felt the heat rising in his face. He wasn’t going to tell anyone what happened, because he knew Connor felt the same way as he did about it.

“P-p-please leave me alone,” Evan said, trying to sidestep Kassie once more, but she didn’t let him.

“Are you that bad of a boyfriend that Connor killed himself?”

“Connor’s not my boyfriend,” Evan said, but he could feel the heat rising in his face.

“There’s no—“

“Kassie, leave Evan alone!” Zoe’s voice came from somewhere in the hall. “If you have questions about my brother, I suggest you ask them to me.”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Kassie said, turning to look at Zoe. Evan gave Zoe an appreciative smile as he went to leave again only to find that he was blocked by some other students.

“Let me guess, it was another chorus of ‘Connor isn’t here’. Well, Connor isn’t here because he was expelled, got in one too many fights. It’s not even funny anymore and it’s always been mean,” Zoe told Kassie. “Now go find your boyfriend.”

“We broke up,” Kassie hissed as she moved on.

Evan took the opening to slip away to class, but Zoe caught his sleeve.

“Hey, I was actually looking for you,” Zoe whispered. “Thanks for visiting my brother. His doctors say that he improves every time you visit.”

“Well, that’s what friends do,” Evan replied.

“Yes, thank you for still remaining friends with him after all the shit that happened. But, um, my mom wants you to come over for dinner when he comes home.”

“He’s coming home?”

“Yeah, the doctors called this morning to say he’s clear to come home Sunday.”

“That’s great! I was worrying he wasn’t going to be let out.”

“Yeah, there was talk of transferring him to a mental hospital around earlier this week….Anyway, can you make it to dinner Sunday?”

“I think so,” Evan said, shifting his weight as he reigned in his excitement that Connor would be free and they could hang out again.

“Awesome, I’ll text you more details and be there to pick you up.”

Evan nodded.

Zoe took a step back.

“See you.”

“See you.”

Evan slipped into class as the late bell rang, but there was no way he was going to be able to pay attention. Connor was coming home! They would be able to hang out again because his mother lifted the Connor ban when she learned that he was in the hospital.

They could go get some glow in the dark paint and paint stars on the ceiling in his bedroom. They could borrow the Phantom of the Opera movie from the library and watch it together. Evan could teach Connor the basic tree families. Connor could teach Evan constellations. They could catch up on whatever YouTuber that Connor showed Evan.



The last period, Evan received a note to go to Principal Ekerds’ office. He appreciated not getting his name called over the PA system and made his way to the office. He could tell he wasn’t in trouble.

“Evan, welcome, take a seat,” Principal Ekerds said.

Evan sat and looked expectantly at Principal Ekerds while swinging his feet. He wasn’t in trouble, he wasn’t in trouble.

“Things have been interesting, haven’t they,” They said. “It’s hard to hear what happened to Connor. And I understand that it will make what I have to ask you very difficult.”

Evan swallowed nervously. What was they going to ask him?

“But I need to tell you that Connor’s state of mind does nothing to excuse his behavior. Please, do not let that affect your testimony against his behavior.”

Testimony?

“I need you to write the details of everything that happened related to the blackmail. What he blackmailed you with, what he requested you to do. Hold nothing back. We want the truth. My secretary will watch you write it and then sign that you wrote it. Then I will take it to the school board as we evaluate his expulsion.”

“But Connor and I are fine,” Evan spoke. He surprised himself with how sure he was to speak to Principal Ekerds like that.

“Regardless, he broke the law. It is the appropriate procedure for this type of event. If you wish to speak your opinion, you can attend the hearing. But we can’t have a hearing until we have something to have a hearing about. I hope you can finish it before this period ends. Now go.”

Evan got up and went to the secretary. He was prepared with the paper for Evan to write on.

Evan wrote the truth:

September 4, 2018. I, Evan Hansen, was in the computer lab printing off a letter to myself in preparation for a visit with my therapist. Connor picked the letter up to introduce himself and try to be my friend. He read the letter and took personal offense to it (later he told me he had thought I was telling him to kill himself). He ran off with the letter and I followed to ask for it back. He took a picture of the letter and threatened to post it if I didn’t join him for lunch for the rest of the school year.

He did nothing when I missed school the remainder of the week under suicide watch. I met him for lunch on September 10th and we had an amicable talk. All our lunches were that way. Eventually he started skipping lunches. Then he came to me and apologized for blackmailing and deleted the picture. He never asked for anything more and never harmed me in any way. I honestly believe he just wanted a friend and didn’t know any other way to make it work. I take no offense to his actions.”

Evan signed it and the secretary signed it. He hoped that it wouldn’t harm Connor more than admitting it happened already had.



Chapter 49: Going Home

Chapter Text

November 4, 2018

Today was the big day. Today Connor would become a free man. Today he would leave the hospital and return home where his parents had promised the therapist that it would no longer be a prison for him.

“Connor, I’m very impressed with the improvement you made these past few days. I’m glad you made a friend and started reconciling with your parents.”

Connor rolled his eyes. She called that starting reconciliation?

“I know it doesn’t seem like much has changed, but taking the first step in the right direction is a major improvement. The transition can’t begin without that first step.”

Connor restrained himself from rolling his eyes again. He was honestly expecting his parents to regress the moment they had to stop meeting with counselors, but this time it would be better because he would be able to hang out with Evan in order to avoid them. There was no way they could stop him from hanging out with Evan now because Dr. Merguez told them that having friends was instrumental in recovering and that Evan and Connor appeared to be good friends. Apparently she had observed one of their visits...which creeped Connor out a little bit, but whatever, she basically said that Evan was one of his prescriptions and so it was worth it.

“I’ll be your counselor when you are home, but you are transitioning to a home for troubled youth in the immediate future.”

“What?”

“Didn’t your parents tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“You’re leaving for a home for troubled youth in Colorado tomorrow. It’s the best option with your case and having been suspended from school.”

“I was expelled.”

“You have not officially been expelled from school. Your case has not gone before the school board and it has to go through the school board because it is not a traditional path to expulsion. Anyway, I agree with your parents in sending you there because the program is very helpful for people in your shoes. It should help with coping mechanisms for your anger and depression.

“Once you graduate from your program you will go back to meeting with me regularly, just not every day. Your parents say they will send you to the local Catholic private school if you are expelled so you won’t have to get a new therapist. But, if you would rather meet with someone else, I would understand.”

Connor shook his head. He got comfortable around Dr. Merguez, though he would never admit that aloud. In fact, he was nervous about going somewhere else and having different people help him, but, when compared to having to live at home, he decided it wouldn’t be as bad as that.

“Thank you for working with me,” she said, extending her hand. Connor shook it. “It’s harder being a psychologist because it isn’t like I can operate on you to make you better. I simply help you figure out how to get better. You’re the one doing all the work and thank you.”

Connor sheepishly smiled in appreciation. He wasn’t sure what he felt about all of it.

He was taken back to his room and given some clothes to change into. Someone from his family must have brought them by earlier. He showered and changed into the new clothes, surprised to find that his grey hoodie with the stars was included.

He childishly rubbed his face against the stars. He longed to be in Evan’s arms again—company. He couldn’t keep crying all over Evan now that he was improving. But he wouldn’t even be in Evan’s company. He left for Colorado tomorrow. Who knew when he would be back? Well, Dr. Merguez had prescribed Evan time to Connor, so maybe they would call or something every day. Connor would like that. It would also be for the best until Connor managed to crush on someone else.

The nurse was waiting for him when he reentered the room. Connor felt bad, he hadn’t paid attention to his name when he first was admitted and then felt bad asking for it since he had been there every day. It felt like forgetting Zoe’s name or something.

“Here are your belongings,” the nurse said, handing Connor a plastic bag that looked more like an amazon package bag.

Connor took the bag and followed the nurse out to the lobby. His mother was there and ran to him and gave him a hug. For the first time in a long time, Connor hugged her back.

“Oh Connor,” mom said, but then she started crying. He patted her on the back until she recovered.

It was a new feeling. For once he didn’t feel suffocated by her presence (not that he realized he felt that way before), but it came at a cost. He could tell that he didn’t feel as close to her, but like in a healthy way. He’d figure it out eventually, but it was empowering.

She led him to the car.

“Dad and Zoe didn’t come because they are preparing for dinner,” mom explained. “I invited Evan, is that alright?”

Connor looked at her in shock.

“Your therapist said Evan was an important friend and that you needed positive relationships and that would hopefully teach you how to have positive relationships with your family.”

Connor was glad he would be able to see Evan, but another part of him worried what was going on with Zoe and his dad and Evan. None of his family had mentioned the kiss, but he was sure they saw it. While they might be afraid to talk to Connor about it because of his ‘delicate state’, he wasn’t sure what would happen with Evan. He just hoped Evan was as stable in their friendship as Connor felt, even if Evan swore off interacting with Connor’s family again. Honestly, Connor wouldn’t blame him.

They pulled in the driveway and the front door flew open. Evan was there. Connor threw the door open and ran to him and gave him a big hug. It was so nice and you would think that even though Connor had seen him yesterday, it wouldn’t be so meaningful. But it was a victory. Both of them had been through suicide watch and survived with a newfound will to live.

“Welcome home!” Zoe called from the front door. “Are you going to greet your family ever?”

“Hey! Evan came to me, alright! Wait your turn!” Connor called back, hugging Evan tighter. They would survive.

He pulled away and looked into Evan’s eyes. There was a spark there that wasn’t there before. Connor pushed his luck and kept his arm around Evan as they walked into the house, only letting go to give Zoe a hug. He felt he imagined it, but it almost appeared that Evan moved to have his arm around Connor again when Zoe broke the hug.

He walked in the kitchen to find his dad putting a casserole dish on a set table. His dad was even wearing an apron.

“What’s for dinner?” Connor asked, not sure he recognized the dish.

“Chicken enchiladas, the only thing I know how to make. Is everyone here now? Food’s finished. So we can eat.”

Connor was stunned when his mother came in and pecked his father on the lips. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw any public displays of affection between them.

“Ewww!” Zoe commented as she took her seat.

“Like you don’t do more with your boyfriend,” dad snipped back.

Tension shot through the air. Connor froze, not knowing whether to bolt to his room or sit down and act like nothing happened.

“Let me take that to your room,” mom said, taking the package from Connor. “You and Evan sit and start eating. I bet you can’t wait to have something other than hospital food.”

Connor nodded and took a seat. Evan sat next to him. Zoe took her spot and dad took his. It was tense. Even mom sensed it when she returned, but she went back to her usual self of trying to ignore it while serving everyone some enchiladas.

They ate in silence for several minutes before dad finally spoke up.

“Alright, I’m sorry. Dr. Merguez said I have a little bit of paranoia and so I assumed everything Connor was doing was trying to destroy what I was doing and I’ve always known I’ve had some anger issues. But I’m sorry, I don’t mean to seem like the bad guy, I just don’t know what I’m doing or where to turn for answers. I made some bad turns, but hopefully we can move on.”

His words were met with silence. Then everyone looked to Connor, clearly waiting for his response.

“Like father, like son,” Connor said, knowing no one would catch the reference. “I have a bit or paranoia too. It made me freak out at Evan the first time we met.”

There was a general laugh and the tension dissipated. It wasn’t like everyone was friends, but small talk was better than fighting.

Dinner ended and so did dessert. Connor was about to lead Evan up to his room when his mom stopped them.

“I need to take Evan home now,” she said.

“Why?” Connor asked.

“You need to pack. Your flight to Colorado leaves at 6am and you still need to pack,” mom explained.

“Colorado?” Evan repeated. Had no one told him?

“Connor’s going to school in Colorado for the next couple of months,” mom explained gently. He didn’t know why she didn’t just tell him that Connor was going to a home for troubled youth, but he supposed she didn’t want to admit to that. “You’ll be able to email him. He won’t have his phone because they don’t allow phones, but you’ll be able to keep in touch. Now go upstairs Connor.”

Connor started climbing the stairs only to stop when his mother bustled off to get her shoes and keys. He looked at Evan’s shocked face, eventually Evan looked up to see Connor watching and Connor shrugged. Evan opened his arms as if for a hug and Connor rushed down to give him a tight hug before running to his room before his mother could return and get mad at him.

He heard the car pull away and his heart hurt to know that was the last time he would see Evan for who knows how long. Focus. Packing for months. Wow. He wasn’t even sure how to pack for that type of thing. Obviously he didn’t have months’ worth of clothes.

Connor went to throw himself on his bed when he spotted the bag from the hospital. Well, might as well unpack from the hospital before packing for Colorado.

He opened it to find the clothes he was wearing when he...tried to kill himself. There were the few things he had in his pocket, like his lighter and a random sharpie that he didn’t remember picking up. Then there was a suit coat. A suit coat?

It had been homecoming...did Jared or somebody leave their suit coat on him when the paramedics came?

Connor pulled it on trying to gauge by size who it belonged to, but honestly Jared and Evan seemed like the same size. All he knew was it didn’t fit him. As he pulled it off, he noticed there was something in the inside chest pocket.

He pulled it out. It was a noose. He dropped it, his breathing increasing. Someone snuck that into his bag to tell him to kill himself. There were still people who knew this world would be better without Connor in it and—no. No, that’s paranoia.

Why would there be a noose?! There’s no other explanation!

Calm down, Connor. Let’s see if there are more clues. If they just wanted you to kill yourself there was no reason to hide it in a suit coat.

Connor searched through the pockets and found a note. A note addressed to him.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I never meant to make such a mess. I never meant to go this far. All I can say is I’m sorry.

Words fail, words fail, there’s not much I can say.

I didn’t mean to be such a homophobe. Especially when I was the one who pushed the boundaries. You were always the better friend and I just didn’t know what to do.

I’m writing to you even though I realize I barely know you whereas I have spilled to you my every secret. I can’t even stand up for you against Jared. You’re better off without me.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Tell my mom that she didn’t do anything wrong. Tell Zoe too. I just can’t function. I don’t know how everyone else operates and I can’t figure out how to connect. I feel lost and adrift. This is me stopping that since I’m lost in space to never be found.

I’m sorry,

Me



There was only one person that could be. It was Evan. Evan was still suicidal. He must’ve BS’ed his way through therapy. He must’ve lied.

Connor sat there on his bed. What did he do? Evan didn’t seem this dark. Did he call up the hospital and tell them to take Evan again? No, he couldn’t do that. Evan hated suicide watch. It would just get him to lie more.

There was a knock at his door, Connor jumped up and kicked the noose under his bed, but whoever it was didn’t open the door.

“How’s the packing going?” His mom’s voice came through the door.

“It’s going!” Connor lied.

He didn’t move until he was sure his mom moved on.

He didn’t have time to think about this. He needed to pack for whatever you call the place he was going.

Connor grabbed the suitcase from the top of his closet and began dumping clothes into it. When he was done, he took Evan’s letter and hid it in his Phantom of the Opera book that was back on his bookshelf before adding that to the suitcase.

He would figure out what to do with it later.



Chapter 50: Getting Better

Chapter Text

November 5-December 7, 2018

Evan’s bed was pleasantly warm. It reminded him of Connor’s hugs and made it so that he didn’t want to wake up and get out of bed. Then he reminded himself that he couldn’t go see Connor if he didn’t go to school, that was one rule mom had given.

Evan got up and braved his cold room when he realized that Connor was out of the hospital and flying to Colorado. He wouldn’t be able to see Connor for weeks, if not months. He withdrew back to his blankets and tried not to cry.

He was so dumb. Why was he crying about not wing able to see Connor today? He was emotionally messed up.

He dozed off and found himself peacefully sleeping in Connor’s arms in his dreams. Lying together all warm and cuddly, bodies pressed up against each other, a sneaked kiss or two. It was a really pleasant thought.

“Evan! Are you going to school? Or are you lot feeling well?” Mom asked from the door.

“I’m getting up,” Evan replied.

This time he got up and started getting ready to go. When he took off his pajamas, however, he was surprised to find himself hard. That’s when it hit him. Maybe it wasn’t just a phase. Maybe it wasn’t just left over from liking Zoe. What if he had also liked Connor since that first time he wanted to get physically close to him?

He didn’t have time to think about it this morning. He squashed the thought for now. He had to be out the door in less than five minutes.

By the end of the school day, and after his fifth fantasy of laying with Connor to cuddle and watch the stars or clouds, Evan decided that he very much had a crush on Connor.

The problem with that is he was now super nervous about writing Connor an email. It was like the stakes were fifty times higher now. If he messed up or said something wrong, he would lose his best friend and his crush.

Lucky for him, there was an email waiting for him in his inbox when he opened his email account. Evan’s heart fluttered. Connor had emailed him.



Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m sorry I had to leave so quickly. My parents set this up and my therapist says it will be the best for me. It’s cold up here and I’m afraid of my chaperone. But I’m going to stick it out so I will get better.

Then maybe I can come back to school with you, assuming Principal Ekerds doesn’t expel me. I hope they doesn’t because I want to enjoy the rest of my year of lunch times with you. Just kidding, the blackmail thing is over.

Sincerely,

Me



Evan knew exactly what to say now that Connor broke the silence.



Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m glad you have such a great outlook. I hope it goes well and that you can heal from all your trauma. I gave my testimony and I’ll attend your expulsion hearing to make sure you can come back.

I miss you.

Sincerely,

Me



The next day, Evan made his way to the principal's office.

“Principal Ekerds,” he greeted, walking in the open door.

“Evan Hansen, what a surprise,” they answered.

“I wish to attend Connor’s expulsion hearing,” Evan said as professionally as he could manage.

“Very well, I have the card inviting you to testify somewhere on my desk,” Principal Ekerds replied, moving things around on their desk until they found it. “Here we go. Tomorrow night.”

Evan tried to hide his surprise at how soon it was going to be, but he nodded and left the room. He was going to need some help. He dug through his backpack until he found a card long forgotten.

He took a deep breath and called the number.

“Um, Mr. Murphy? This is Evan Hansen. I was wondering if you would help me prepare for Connor’s expulsion hearing. I don’t want him to get expelled.”

Evan smiled when Mr. Murphy responded positively, “That is a wonderful idea. Shall I pick you up after I finish work?”

“I’ll text you my address.”



Evan was exhausted the next day. He had almost forgotten to email Connor, but he sent a quick few words before falling asleep at two in the morning. His head was spinning with statements and recommendations on what words to use and what words not to use. Evan felt bad because he had used some of the not so good words in his written testimony, but it was too late to change that.

He made it through the next school day and then preoccupied his time between the hearing and school by working on his homework in the computer lab.

Ten minutes before it started, Evan went to the bathroom to make sure he was still presentable after a full day of school. He reapplied deodorant, combed his hair, and brushed his teeth. Then he went to the meeting room in the office and sat down in a side chair as the school board entered and took their seats around the table.

He felt his breathing pace pick up. No. No, no, he couldn’t have a panic attack. Not now. Not today. Connor needed him. He breathed in for a certain count and then breathed out. That’s all he focused on until someone stood up to start the meeting.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the school board, we are here to determine whether or not to expel Connor Murphy from public schools in Ellison County,” the President of the school board stated. Mr Murphy had told Connor that was who conducted expulsion meetings. She looked like a stern woman who couldn’t be crossed and Evan hoped she didn’t get angry at him wanting to defend Connor.

“This proceeding should be short. We’ve all read the witness statements and discussed this student’s past issues. I say we jump right into the voting. Does anyone object?”

Oh no, they didn’t want to hear anymore witness. Evan started to panic when he realized he had to speak now or, as that not so eloquent phrase always went, forever hold his peace. He shot his hand in the air hoping that was the right way to object.

“No board members object,” the president said, nodding at Evan. “Very well, let’s proceed.”

Evan panicked as he put his hand down. What did this mean? Did he show up for no reason? Why were they ignoring him? Did he need to stand up and speak out of turn? Mr Murphy had said to avoid that at all costs because it discredited you. What should he do?

“All in favor of expulsion?”

Nothing happened.

“All in favor of reinstating after he passes his course?”

The hands of everyone at the table were raised. What did this mean?

“We overrule the motion for the expulsion of Connor Murphy on the condition that he passes his course in Colorado. Now, are there any present who object to this ruling?”

She looked right at Evan and Evan hastily shook his head, being sure to keep his hands around the notebook of things he had been practicing to say. He hadn’t been needed, but that didn’t matter. He was glad he came because then he could go home and email Connor and tell him he could come back to Ellison High as long as he passed his course. They could have lunches together again!

The meeting was dismissed and Evan made his way home to email Connor the good news.



At the start of December, Evan came home to a very exciting letter from Connor.



Dear Evan Hansen,

Just got cleared to come home for Christmas. I can’t wait to see you. I miss your voice and your face and your hugs. I was thinking maybe we could spend a day together like we did painting the background or at the park that one day, just to have time to ourselves again after everything that happened.

My mom just got back to me really fast. I have a flight home Friday after classes. Can we hang out and talk that Saturday, the twenty-second? If not, we can find another day, or meet for a shorter period of time. Just don’t force me to spend the entire holiday with my family, please.

Sincerely,

Me”



Evan reflected on the wonderful time he had painting the stars and then day Connor found him in the park after Alana asked him to homecoming. The tickle fights, the laying in the grass and watching the clouds. That was the time Evan almost went to kiss Connor…

If Connor was still thinking about those days, maybe Connor still liked Evan. Evan hadn’t stopped liking Connor, in fact ever since he embraced the fact he liked Connor, he liked him more and more. His thoughts lingered on the kiss in the hospital, imagining what it would be like to kiss Connor again.

That was it! The day together...he didn’t say date, but Evan could try and turn it into a date. He had almost two weeks to plan something. He wasn’t sure what type of romantic things Connor would like, but he would find something romantic so Connor would know that Evan realized that he liked Connor back.





Chapter 51: Words Fail

Chapter Text

December 22, 2018

Connor took a deep breath as he pulled on his winter coat. The noose and the note were in his undercoat pocket. Connor had been surprised his mother hadn’t cleaned his room and discovered the noose. He was sure he would’ve gotten into a lot of trouble if she had found it.

Evan wanted to go for a walk in the park. Connor would eventually guide them to death’s bench and hopefully not get too emotional about Evan wanting to die in the spot where Connor had tried to kill himself. Well, if he cried, he would get to cry on Evan’s shoulder, so it wouldn’t be terrible.

Connor never had real anxiety, but every day since he left the hospital he had been praying for an email from Evan so he would know that Evan hadn’t tried to kill himself since the last time he emailed. Today he was going to address that concern, even if that meant putting Evan back under suicide watch. He was going to do it because he loved Evan.

There he goes again with the ‘L’ word. But there was no better way to describe it. Evan was his life. He cared more about Evan than anyone else in the world. He would be more devastated if Evan died than if both his parents died. He was pathetic.

No. He was struggling and divorcing his emotions from his parents’ opinion had been essential for recovery, even though they seemed to be doing more. Not that he would know because he had only been home one night, but his apology was definitely not something Connor had expected.

The doorbell rang and Connor jumped. That had to be Evan. He grabbed his phone and ran out of his room.

Mom gave him a smile as he passed her cleaning up from brunch. He opened the door and lost his breath. It had been only a little over six weeks since he saw Evan, but it was like he had forgotten how handsome he was.

He was wearing a blue puffy coat with a matching striped scarf. His cheeks were already rosy from the cold. His eyes sparkling with that something extra that he had since Connor left the hospital. A dark colored beanie covered his hair and ears.

Evan shouldn’t have seemed so cute because it was just normal winter clothes, but Connor felt butterflies and warm fuzzies and lots of things. It was going to be hard to get over Evan.

“Um, ready?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” Connor breathed out into the cold air as he stepped outside.

They made their way towards the park in silence. Connor was nervous. He had to talk about the letter and the noose. He had to make sure Evan was okay.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked as they made their way into the park.

“Uh, yeah,” Connor replied. “Just in shock about being back.”

“Missing your friends?”

“I don’t know if they are friends or just fellow victims. Like, you know, people you meet for Alcoholics Anonymous. You talk and get to know them and their lives, but you don’t hang out with them outside of it.”

“Oh,” Evan said. “No cute guys?”

Connor blushed. He knew he came out to Evan, but he hadn’t expected that type of question. It felt really weird coming from him. Like, he really just wanted to say, not other than the one walking with me today. But Connor had already crossed the gay acceptable boundary between guys just being friends by kissing him in the hospital. He couldn’t say that to Evan after that.

“I’m a little preoccupied,” Connor said instead, hoping that wasn’t a rude response. It was true. He was trying to find the right way to segue into asking Evan about the note and the noose. It was distracting him from thinking about how much nicer this walk would be if they were holding hands with all the beautiful snow around them.

“Preoccupied?”

Connor couldn’t answer that question truthfully. So he resorted to changing the topic.

“What made you want to go for a walk in the park?”

Evan blushed. Connor wondered what was going through his head.

“You’ll see.”

“Alright, it better be worth it because it is freezing out here!”

“I’m sorry, I think it will be. Do we need to go back for a better coat or something?”

“I’m just teasing,” Connor said, playfully bumping shoulders. “The cold is refreshing...but Colorado is cold too. I will need a thawing out when this is all over.”

Evan nodded.

Silence fell. And Connor hoped the concern hanging in the air was only felt on his side. He could do this. This was Evan. They talked about all sorts of serious stuff in the hospital. But what if that was only because Connor was in a bad place? What if Evan only was here because Connor asked him to and he would rather be anywhere else?

No. Shut up! Evan emailed him every day. Evan came up with the idea to walk in the park. All Connor said was he wanted to spend time with Evan. Evan could have rejected him or come up with something less one-on-one.

Evan led the way off the path. The way to death’s bench. What was going through Evan’s mind? Connor thought he was going to have to drag—

Oh. There were a couple of blankets on the bench, a thermos that likely held some hot beverage, and a mistletoe hanging from a bare branch. Evan had been prepping for this...this date?

What? Had Evan turned gay without telling Connor? Did Evan like him back? Why? Had Connor done something to feel like he had to?

But Evan was standing there, under the mistletoe looking adorably nervous. Connor froze. Evan wanted to be kissed, by Connor. Connor wanted to kiss him too, but was this the time? How would this affect their talk about the letter? Would Evan still like him after Connor confronted him about it?

“I’m sorry,” Evan said, stepping out from under the mistletoe. “I should’ve realized you weren’t into me. I’m sorry. We can go somewhere else. Do something else…”

“No,” Connor said, moving to be under the mistletoe. “No, I do. I’m just shocked.”

Evan moved back and Connor pulled him close and leaned in. It was much more awkward than he remembered it being in the hospital and it didn’t last long. If Connor was honest, it wasn’t very good.

Oh man, Evan wasn’t going to like him as more than friends after that. Oh well, as long as their friendship lasted it didn’t matter.

Evan took Connor by the hand and led him to the bench. They each covered themselves in a blanket and sat there. Silence was heavy for once.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said. “I messed this all up. I should’ve asked. I should’ve said more. I shouldn’t have expected anything. I was—“

“Shhh,” Connor hushed. He felt bad, Evan shouldn’t feel bad. This was great. Connor was just worried.

And this was it. This was the time to talk about it. He had to do it.



Connor

I never meant to make it such a mess.

I never meant to go this far.

All I can say is I’m sorry.

Words fail, words fail, there’s not much I can say.

I didn’t mean to be such a homophobe.

Especially when I was the one who pushed the boundaries.

You were always the better friend and I just didn’t know what to do.

I’m writing to you even though I realize I barely know you

whereas I have spilled to you my every secret.

I can’t even stand up for you against Jared.

You’re better off without me.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Tell my mom that she didn’t do anything wrong. Tell Zoe too.

I just can’t function.

I don’t know how everyone else operates and I can’t figure out how to connect.

I feel lost and adrift.

This is me stopping that since

I’m lost in space to never be found.



Connor pulled the noose out from his pocket and presented it to Evan. He hoped he didn’t have to explain more. He was full of emotion and he wasn’t sure how it was going to come out. He wasn’t sure if he would yell or cry or run. He needed Evan to understand that he wasn’t mentioning it just because suicide was wrong. His world would fall apart without him. But he also didn’t want to say that because then he would be a burden and he didn’t want Evan to stick around just for him.

If there was some way to say Evan mattered and more than just things to do with Connor. If only Evan could understand that he didn’t need to prove anything to anyone to have a reason to stick around. But Connor couldn’t put these ideas into words, especially not right now.

Chapter 52: All we have to do is reach out our hand

Chapter Text

December 22, 2018

Shit. Evan had known this was going to randomly materialize at some point. But this was the last time he had been expecting this. And Connor had been the one to find it. Why didn’t he tell him about it before?

Double shit. Connor was going to call the hospital. He was going to end up in suicide watch. He wasn’t going to be able to spend time with Connor before Connor had to go back to Colorado.

But he supposed Connor didn’t want to hang out with him. Maybe Connor never liked Evan in that way and Evan just assumed. Evan had just messed everything up. He had ruined what was supposed to be a perfectly good day with Connor.

“Evan, breathe,” Connor said, grabbing Evan’s shoulders. “Everything’s fine. We just need to talk.”

Oh no, Connor was going to tell him he was stupid for the mistletoe. Connor was going to take him to the hospital and then they would stop being friends.

“I’m sorry,” Evan repeated, trying to slow his breathing only to start crying. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done all this. I just wanted—“

“Evan, no,” Connor said. “No, please stop. This is great. I like you. It’s just. I can’t go on pretending like this didn’t happen, the worry that you might kill yourself. I can’t live with that. I can’t.”

Now they were both crying. Evan reached out and pulled Connor in. Now they were crying on each other. This was definitely not what Evan had in mind today, but, for the first time, he didn’t feel bad about crying. He needed to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said into Connor’s shoulder, once his crying had calmed down a bit. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I did. And I felt bad because you had been the best friend I’ve ever had and then I listened to Jared instead of thinking about it myself. And I called you horrible names, and got you expelled, and didn’t even listen to you. The only thing I knew about you was that you liked Phantom of the Opera. You knew everything about me. I felt so bad because we were friends but I hadn’t acted like I cared about you. It was worse when I saw you in the hospital because I realized that I had pushed you to thinking you were broken but I was the one broken.”

“No, Evan, no,” Connor sobbed, clutching Evan’s shoulders while pulling him closer to his chest. “Please tell me you don’t feel that way anymore.”

“It wasn’t until Jared apologized that I realized I had been mistaken,” Evan continued as if Connor hadn’t interrupted. “He was telling me he had been a bad friend and that made me realize that maybe everyone else is just trying to figure out how to be a friend and that I shouldn’t feel bad for making mistakes. I just need to try again. And I’ve been trying. I went to your hearing to stand up for you so you wouldn’t get expelled. And I apologized for my dumb words and actions. And my mom told me about not feeling like you are enough and able to handle things is like a normal thing everyone feels. Like, even your dad said it. And I just have to realize that stopping just because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen or that I’ll never figure it out is the wrong way to figure it out. You step forward, you make mistakes, you get burned, and you learn. Sure, things don’t get better in one day, but the relationships you build are worth the confusion you muddle through. And then, you have to forgive when other people mess up, like when my mom told Jared and Zoe about my being under suicide watch. And I just spewed a whole bunch of words at you. I’m sorry.”

“No,” Connor said, pulling out of the hug. “This is the one time I’m not going to let the sorry pass. This is what I want to hear. I want to know you’ve decided that you want to fight to live as long as you can. I want to know that even when you feel down or we have a fight or whatever that you are still going to hang in there.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan apologized. “We should’ve talked. We should’ve both talked. I should’ve told you about this summer, when I broke my arm. I didn’t tell anyone the truth, but I let go. I didn’t fall. I was hoping to die, I was hoping to end everyone’s troubles. Instead I broke my arm, and when I laid on the ground I knew I needed help. I called my mom, but she never answered. I was there for hours until I picked myself up and went to my supervisor. It was horrible. I never felt more alone ever.

“And then my mom kept telling me she would be there for me, but she wasn’t. And I understand why she can’t, but I felt so alone. Especially after we went to jail and she didn’t pick up. It was basically I fell and no one noticed or care. It would have taken days for them to find me if I had died, even though people were supposed to be there for me.

“But Jared said that you and I would understand each other. That I had been there when you had fallen and I could be there again if I stayed your friend. And I realized that maybe even if someone can’t be there for me that I could be there for you. I want to be here for you.”



Evan /Connor duet mixing I’m here for you and you will be found and disappear

You will be found

Even when everyone hates you

We’re here for each other

All we have to do is reach, reach out a hand

I’ll be your stay-at-home mom since your mother can’t…once I get back



“Oh Evan,” Connor said, pulling Evan in close.

And while they had been hugging and holding each other practically the entire time that Evan spewed his guts out, this time he felt whole in Connor’s arms.

When they pulled apart, Evan felt like he knew exactly what to do next. It almost felt natural as their faces moved together.

Their lips touched once more, but it felt so much better. It felt like they belonged together, especially when their lips began moving. Evan liked it. He liked kissing Connor a lot.

It was different from kissing Zoe. He wasn’t sure if it was because he hadn’t explored enough of his sexuality or if it was because this kiss was the result of pulling through an emotional ordeal together. All he knew is he liked it and never wanted to stop.

Connor leaned back, pulling Evan down on top of him. Yes, this was much better. He felt like he belonged here with Connor.

They stopped kissing and Evan enjoyed laying on Connor’s chest. He wasn’t stressed or concerned about doing the right thing. He was able to just be himself and Connor was okay with that. He hoped Connor felt the same.

“There’s only one more thing to do,” Connor said, starting to sit up.

“What?” Evan asked, moving off of Connor so they could both sit.

Connor pulled out his lighter and gave Evan a mischievous smile. Evan caught on quickly and picked the noose up off the ground.

They cuddled under the blanket and drank the hot chocolate while watching the noose burn. Admittedly they had to relight is a couple of times, but it was nice. Evan wished everyday could be as peaceful and anxiety free as this.

When their stomachs started growling and the sun began to disappear, they knew it was time to go home. Before they separated, Connor pulled Evan close.

“Promise me you’ll talk to your therapist about your past suicide attempt and the about the time you almost tried again,” Connor asked.

“Okay,” Evan promised.

With one more kiss, they went their separate ways. Evan had never been happier.

Chapter 53: Epilogue 1

Chapter Text

April 13, 2019

“Breathe, Evan,” Connor said, patting Evan’s back. “I promised you this would be fun.”

“But everyone is going to see us together for the first time and I haven’t told very many people that we are dating. What if we get kicked out of the dance? What if people are mean to us?”

“Evan! Alana and her girlfriend are opening the dance. Nobody is going to be homophobic on their watch.”

“But everyone kept teasing me about dating you and now I’m dating you. Kassie yelled at me at the last dance, in front of everyone. She’s going to do something again and humiliate me.”

“Nope. Remember, she came and apologized. You emailed me about this. She said she didn’t realize but she was jealous that you were dancing with Alana. Simple. Besides, I don’t think Alana will let her do something like that anymore.”

“But it’s going to be loud. There’s going to be too many people. I’m going to feel like I’m suffocating.”

“Evan,” Connor started. This time he grabbed both of Evan’s shoulders and turned him to face him. “I didn’t beg my teachers to accelerate my last couple of weeks to torture you at prom. I came back in time for prom so we could go together and have fun together. Do you trust me?”

Evan nodded.

“I love you, Evan,” Connor whispered and kissed Evan’s forehead. It finally wasn’t as awkward to say that to Evan as it had been over Christmas break when it first slipped out of his mouth. But he loved Evan platonically ever since the hospital visits and now he was sure he loved Evan romantically.

“I love you too,” Evan replied, throwing his arms over Connor’s shoulders for a hug.

It was finally their turn for the awkward prom picture and then they were inside the building five minutes before it officially started. Connor led Evan over to the refreshment table and then began shoving cookies into his pockets.

“What are you doing?”

“Stocking up for the night. I don’t want to touch these after every snotty nose high schooler has had their hands all over them. Who knows where their hands will have been.”

Evan gagged.

“Sorry, TMI. Um, come on.”

Connor took Evan’s hand and led him to the corner by the DJ stand and speakers.

“Connor,” Evan whimpered, eyeing the speakers.

Connor lifted the hand of Evan’s that he was holding and kissed it.

“Trust me,” he reminded Evan.

Connor felt bad, but he didn’t want to move until he knew the music was about to play in case it wasn’t loud enough in the spot he had been planning on. He was going to have to figure something out if it failed, but he would worry about that if it failed.

Alana stepped onto the stage. This was it. As she began welcoming everyone to the dance, Connor led Evan to the door behind the DJ platform and pulled him in behind him.

The first song started and Evan let go of Connor’s hand to cover his ears. Connor simply put his arm around Evan to lead him around the corner where they could still hear the music, but it wasn’t blasting their ears off.

“How’s this?” Connor asked, gently pulling one of Evan’s hands away from his ear.

“Uh, yeah, this works.”

“May I have this dance?” Connor asked with a dorky bow. His excitement was now building up past his stoic wall. He was about to spend an evening dancing with Evan. Best way to end his first day free from the troubled youth home.

Evan nodded and Connor took him in a dance position that he learned from a YouTube video that morning. They began to dance.

The song ended and a more upbeat song took its place, but they didn’t stop dancing as if it was another slow song. This was 100% worth working his butt off to graduate the program two weeks early. He leaned his forehead against Evan’s. He missed being this close to Evan.

Evan’s head tilted upwards. Connor almost refused, knowing it was too early in the dance to start kissing because then he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop because he missed Evan so much over the past four months. But he couldn’t resist.

The moment their lips touched there was a bang as the music got louder. They jumped apart as they heard a clattering of heels as someone rounded the corner.

“Isn’t it a bit early to find a spot to make out?” Zoe asked.

“We aren’t making out,” Connor snapped back. “We’re dancing without all the loud noises and people pressing in on every side. What are you doing?”

“Looking for Jared. We came early to help Alana set up, but he disappeared almost as soon as we got here. I figured he didn’t want to help, which is fine, but then I expected him to come find me when the dance started.”

“Well, that’s your problem not ours,” Connor said, turning his back towards her. He reached out to hold Evan in dance position again. As soon as his hand went on Evan’s back there was a loud moan. It clearly hadn’t come from Evan.

Connor turned to look at Zoe and then at a door a few feet over from where they were. He dropped dance position and the three of them walked towards the door.

Zoe was the brave soul who opened the door. While the two figures jumped apart, Connor couldn’t help but notice Walt’s hand come out of Jared’s pants, especially when Jared hastily went to do up his pants.

“Well, look who came to join us,” Jared said, reaching out to take Zoe’s hand. “Evan, Connor, you can join too if you—“

“Jared! What the hell! We talked about this!” Zoe snapped, grabbing Jared’s wrist and pulling him out of the janitorial closet. “Come on.”

Zoe drug Jared back towards the dance. Walt trailed behind them.

“That was awkward,” Evan said as Connor closed the closet door.

“Yeah, but I don’t know if I should feel sorry for my sister or Jared,” Connor joked.

“Do you know what’s going on with them?”

Connor shook his head. “I got three emails from her the past four months. We’re not close. But I think we don’t hate each other anymore?”

Evan nodded and then looked like he was going to say something but decided against it. However, Connor could tell it was something that was bugging Evan.

“Spit it out,” Connor said.

“You won’t, um, well…” Evan nervously said. He pointed to his pants. Connor didn’t need any more hints to know what he meant.

“Not until we are both ready,” Connor said, putting his hands up. He wasn’t sure he could handle his insecurities about that yet. “Whenever that is. Even if it is years and years in the future.”

“Oh good,” Evan said. “Can we get back to dancing?”

Connor nodded, raising his hands to take dance position once again when Evan put his hands around Connor’s waist and pulled him close. There was no way Evan could’ve missed the jolt in Connor's pants.

Connor blushed and was about to make space between them when he saw Evan smile an equally embarrassed smile. Connor simply put his hands on Evan shoulders and began to dance.

They danced. They kissed. They took a break and talked while eating crumbly cookies from Connor’s pockets. And then started the process all over again. It was definitely the best Prom ever, not that either of them had anything to really compare it to.



Notes:

If this looks familiar to my other fanfiction, that's because the other one was an earlier draft of this one. I'll keep both up because they are different enough and maybe it will help some aspiring writers to see someone else's process of going through drafts.

Let me know if you see any errors, think the rating is too low, can't hear the music, or think I missed any warnings in the tags. I hope you enjoy this new genre of writing.