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We had a Thanksgiving potluck with the team. Matsukawa and I made mashed potatoes at my house before we went to yours for the big gathering. We also had made potato wedges and roasted potato peels on the side, and when you and the others tasted them they were inedible because Matsu put too much salt in them when we were (attempting) to season them.
When I tried to find a spoon from one of the kitchen drawers to use to scoop the potatoes, I happened to open the drawer next to the drawer that had the big spoon I needed. And as you passed by me to the drawer next to the one I opened, you brushed your hand across my waist. I obviously jumped a little because my sides are sensitive, but also the sudden touch made me startled.
I was unsure what to feel.
When we were all watching a movie (“Get Out” btw it’s a great movie), our legs sort of tangled together. Our bodies faced each other, giving us a bit of distance between each other. But there seemed to be a casual sort of tension. I wore ripped jeans that day. I don’t know when or how or why it happened, but your hand made its way to my knee, fingers picking against the threads of where the tear is.
We made eye contact once. I couldn’t read your face, except that your eyes were completely blank, indifferent. It hurt a little.
After the movie, we untangled. And we never discussed it. You never mentioned anything, and I never wanted to confront you about it. I wasn’t sure if there was anything there, because I knew you’re a pretty physical person with anyone.
I remember after practice, I’d be doing some homework in the locker room. You’d come by occasionally, and put your head on my shoulder. Sometimes head placed on my head, sometimes hands wrapped across the waist. But then when someone you knew and someone who knew you came out, you’d immediately distance yourself.
I didn’t react to it at all.
I guess I didn’t really care at that time, even though I thought maybe there was something there.
Much later, I heard from Matsukawa and Hanamaki that you’ve been dating someone for a while. I was shocked a bit, but also not particularly surprised because what should I have expected.
Coincidentally after I was told about it, I noticed you distanced yourself much more from me.
And I never looked back for you once.