Work Text:
What the hell are you trying to do to me? Do you hate me? This is horrendous” Dee says to the Kleinfeld worker as she pulls out various dresses for Dee to appraise.
“I’m sorry ma’am, your requested styles were quite confusing. I wasn’t sure what to grab for you”
“Confusing? How is ‘classy with just the right hint of slutty’ confusing? I thought that this place was the best of the best, the workers should really be trained better. Why else would I have dragged my ass here to be on this dumbass show? Speaking of that, is there any prizes or anything because I am feeling pretty screwed right about now” Dee practically spits at the woman who is still holding a dress up towards her, she looks frightened.
“No, there’s not any prizes. The purpose of this is to find you the wedding dress of your dreams—“ the woman is cut off by Dee
“No prizes? Really? Are you sure? This is getting ridiculous. Just go out and find me something in this goddamn store that won’t make me look like a bird” Dee says to the woman.
The worker quickly hustles out of the room like she can’t get away quick enough. Dee sighs and looks at herself in the mirror, she rolls her eyes at herself and turns away. Suddenly, Dee hears noise outside the dressing room door. Somebody starts knocking loudly.
“Dee would you please hurry up? We’re all dying of boredom out here” Dennis whisper hisses at Dee from outside of the dressing room.
“I’ll be out as soon as that lady comes back with something that doesn’t make me gag” Dee says.
“Dee, if we have to wait until you find something that you look even moderately good in then we’re going to sitting out here until the fucking world ends. White is so not your color, it totally clashes with your undertones” Dennis says with a sigh.
“Ok, ok, I will come out as quickly as I can! Now will you please fuck off?” Dee asks.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll fuck off” Dennis says. Dee hears his footsteps retreat and she is alone with her thoughts again.
Dee has just started to settle into the silence when the Kleinfeld woman comes back into the room, her arms full of white dresses in varying materials. She puts the pile of dresses down and Dee moves towards the pile and starts sifting through the new options. Dee pulls out a simple silk dress in a pearly white, it has a few embellishments here and there but isn’t overly gaudy. Dee quickly undresses and slips the silky dress over her head. She glances at herself in the mirror, she isn’t offended by the image of herself staring back and she thinks that she actually looks pretty. Dee turns from the mirror and heads out the dressing room door.
When Dee walks up the family area she sees her group all sitting around the couch, bickering as usual. Directly in front of where the couch sits there is a platform and a mirror.
“Dude, that’s total bullshit. An alligator would totally beat a bear in a fight. How is this even a question to you? This whole conversation is fucking ridiculous” Charlie says to seemingly no one in particular.
“When would an alligator and a bear even encounter each other in order to do battle? They live in different environments. Call me if you ever see an alligator climbing a tree in pursuit of a goddamn bear” Dennis shoots back at Charlie.
“Well, what if a bear was trying to like catch a fish and then an alligator popped up and wanted to battle over the fish? There’s only so many fish out there to catch man” Mac says, joining the conversation.
Frank stares at all of them in disbelief and pulls Artemis closer to him. God, Dee hopes that they don’t have sex in the bathroom of the bridal shop.
Dee clears her throat and everybody turns to look at her. They’re all quite (for once) as she climbs up onto the platform and does a spin for them.
“Fucking finally” Dennis says. Mac and Charlie nod in agreement.
“Wow, look at you Deandra. My little girl all grown up. You don’t look like a skank for once” Frank says.
“You’re not my dad Frank but thank you, I think.” Dee says.
“As I said earlier, white is not your color but it doesn’t look as bad as I thought it might” Dennis says.
“You look… good Dee. Is that the one you want? Can we leave now?” Charlies asks.
“This is the first dress that I’ve tried on Charlie! No, it’s not time to leave” Dee gives Charlie a look that should shut him up for a couple of minutes at least.
“Well, we’ve all seen the dress. I’m going to go put on another and come back out” Dee says and starts climbing off the platform. Soon she disappears back into the dressing room.
Mac turns to Dennis and says “Dude, you are so right. White is definitely not her color. Aren’t you only supposed to wear white to a wedding if you’re a virgin? She’s definitely deluding herself”
Dennis nods and says “She should try something different. I don’t know if she can pull off a bold wedding dress color but she should do like a beige or something. Beige is good right?”
Mac leans in to respond but is cut off when Dee stumbles back out and onto the platform. This time she is in a big poofy princess wedding dress.
The whole group starts to laugh and point, barely able to contain themselves. Dee’s face flushes a bright red and flips them off.
“Fuck you guys, I look like a goddess” Dee says with venom in her tone.
“Dee, you look like a fucking cupcake!” Frank wheezes out in between laughs.
“It’s just so… not you that it’s hilarious” Mac says.
“Can I add that it’s not doing your body any favors? You really need to work on your dress selection. Dress for your body Dee! This is just sad. It looks like that atrocious prom dress that you wore during the underage drinking scheme” Dennis says.
Dee flips them all off again and heads to her dressing room. She comes in and out a few times sporting different styles of dresses. She gets mixed reactions but all of the dresses are pretty basic and boring. She is starting to get tired of walking back and forth in these goddamned dresses.
While Dee is busy in the dressing room, the gang is getting into more trouble as time goes on. Charlie gets caught trying to cut up pieces of a lace dress, muttering something about needing more suitable material for his rats’ nest. Frank is trying to step into a wedding dress and Artemis is flirting unabashedly with the dressing room woman that Dee had harassed earlier. Mac and Dennis are caught making out in one of the dressing rooms, making extremely loud noises. They are all ushered back to their places on the family couch. Usually the store would just throw them out but they don’t want to waste such entertaining footage for their show.
Dee comes out in the original silk dress and steps onto the platform. She spins around a few times and smiles down at everyone.
“Didn’t we see that one already?” Mac asks
“Yes, we did Mac. Deandra can we move on? Why are you trying on things we’ve already seen?” Dennis says.
“God, you dicks! I have this one on again because I think this is the one. It’s classy with just the right amount of slutty which is just what I wanted” Dee smiles at them.
“If you like that one so much then why have you been trying on so many others?” Charlie asks.
“I wanted to make sure that this was the one and it is! Be happy, at least I picked one and now we can get out of here” Dee says
“Are you saying yes to the dress Deandra Reynolds?” the Kleinfeld worker asks enthusiastically.
“Yes!” Dee squeals and hugs the worker.