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I can only see you in times when I close my eyes, and the world blacks out. A dream-like scenery starts forming in my mind, and the grey-scaled reality I live in does not exist. The main character in my dreams is you. With that, I never want to wake up.
Park Jihoon is an actor. He pretends for a living, and it’s what he’s most comfortable with – pretending. By now, he’s used to the flashing lights, the fake smiles, and the criticisms he has to live with every day. He doesn’t like it, but he’s doesn’t hate it either.
He’s grown apathetic to it.
But when he closes his eyes and everything fades to black, it’s when he feels alive the most.
The boy named Daehwi sits along an empty harbor, watching the ocean sparkle while the sun is at its highest. Jihoon sits beside him and admires the view as well. It was very calming, better than the usual city view he was used to. The sound of the waves splashing on the high rocks made the atmosphere seem too real. As the cool sea breeze washes over Jihoon’s face, he wished that he could get a taste of this while he was awake too.
“Why are we here?” Daehwi asks.
In his dreams, Jihoon controls the imagery – all of which are places he longs to go to. “I was watching this animation in between my schedule. The ocean there was nice, and it seemed like a really nice place to visit in real life.”
“Was it Japanese?” Daehwi giggles.
Jihoon could feel his cheeks burn in embarrassment. He replies a shy “yes” to the evident amusement of Daehwi.
“It’s nice. I like it here. I love the places you take us,” Daehwi tells him while reaching out to hold Jihoon’s hand.
Jihoon clasps the boy’s hand in return, and they stay still for quite some time, enjoying their view. They’ve been to different places together in Jihoon’s dreams. Last night, they were in a quiet town in France after Jihoon watched Europe travel vlogs. Right now, they were in a seaside in Japan, where an underwater town could be seen reflected on the water’s surface, similar to the one Jihoon saw in the animated series he was watching.
“Want to explore that town?” Jihoon asks Daehwi, breaking their comfortable silence.
“We’ll drown,” Daehwi points out.
“Don’t worry, in this dream, we can breathe underwater,” Jihoon replies.
It was quite silly in a more rational point of view. But in his dreams, he and Daehwi could do anything. The boy hesitates at first, his grip on Jihoon’s hand loosening.
“If anything goes wrong,” Jihoon adds, “I’ll save you.”
Daehwi smiles and Jihoon swore it never fails to make his heart skip a couple of beats. The boy was just too breathtaking. It made sense why he only appeared in Jihoon’s dreams. His very existence couldn’t be the work of any reality – not the kind he lives in. With Daehwi, there was too much color, too much life. It didn’t match the kind of monotonous lifestyle he built around himself for so long.
This boy, Lee Daehwi, was his escape, his beautiful utopia.
“Okay”
They dive down, and just as Jihoon said, they could breathe underwater, talk even. Daehwi holds on to Jihoon’s hand as Jihoon brings him to the town standing in the world of the sea. Fishes of different shapes and colors swam around as if they had a dance of their own. Corals of different shapes, sizes, and hues stood like bushels. It wasn’t like any other trip they had been on before. This was too out of this world.
They wander around the sea village, mesmerized at how similar it looked the homes they had on land. The village was empty though. That was the thing about the dreams Jihoon forms. It was always just he and Daehwi, no one else was part of the equation. And it was fine that way.
“It’s really beautiful, Jihoon,” Daehwi says. “I never imagined I’d be able to swim with fishes this way.” They go through each quaint structure, finding how beautiful this world was mixed in shades of blue. Their hands continue to be entwined. Jihoon wishes he didn’t have to let go of the boy’s hand and could stay in this dreamland with him forever. A school of fishes dances around Daehwi, both of them letting go of each other as Daehwi whirls in wonder at the all the creatures who move around him like a mini tornado before swimming toward the rest of the pack along the corals. Jihoon wanted to capture that moment in his mind. He wished he could take a picture of it and keep it with him when he wakes up. Daehwi smiles, making Jihoon’s heart swell.
“You’re beautiful,” Jihoon tells him, completely in awe, almost as if he was in a trance.
Daehwi swims closer to him. A few inches away as they settle in water, submerging downwards and landing on a stone walkway that led to houses built on a landform that almost look like a hill underwater. They stand in the middle and Jihoon doesn’t want this to end, he wishes he would stay in his dreams forever. “Why do you keep dreaming about me?” Daehwi asks.
“Don’t you want to be with me anymore?” Jihoon returns with a question.
“I do. I want to be with you. I want to be with you everywhere, but I know I can’t stay in your mind forever,” Daehwi says.
It was impossible for Jihoon to forget him, not when he’s the only person he wants to go back to.
“When I watched the animated show, they taught me a little something about love.”
Daehwi cracks into a giggle, finding it silly how Jihoon was so immersed in the shows he watches, ultimately molding their meetings into such sceneries. “What did they say?”
“It’s like the sea. Sometimes, it’s calm and beautiful. But oftentimes, it gets messy and roars to destroy the things that matter. Right now, you’re my sea. It doesn’t have to make sense to other people. If it makes sense to us, then that’s all that matters.” Jihoon holds Daehwi close, never wanting to let go of the boy who he can only see when his are closed an away from the world he breathes in. When he says these words to Daehwi, there’s no camera rolling. There’s no pre-written script to dictate what they felt. To Jihoon, it’s only in his dreams where he was real, where he wants something that didn’t involve achievements and aspirations. No, in this world, all the little things they shared were enough to make him happy.
“If that’s the case, you’re my sea too.” Daehwi buries his face in Jihoon’s shoulder, the smile not leaving his face. “I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life. I want to see what the future brings for the both of us outside of this world.”
That’s when Jihoon hesitates. He wants to be with Daehwi outside of their little world just as much. But it was impossible. Too many things would get in the way, and Jihoon knew that if they did meet and tried to make something out of it, they would only fall apart. Now that Jihoon was at the peak of everything, his achievements, his life, and his world. Everything was too delicate and the last thing he wanted was to lose Daehwi in the midst of it.
He knew that if he lost Daehwi, nothing else would matter anymore.
“Not yet, can you wait for me a little longer? I love you. I want us just as much as you. But the last thing I want is to lose you because of what I am now. I don’t want to push you away when everything is going against me.”
“Okay,” Daehwi replies. “I’ll wait for you for as long as you want. You pretty much have a hold on me, how can I even refuse?”
“I should say the same thing about you,” Jihoon laughs as well.
After that, they swim back to the shore to admire the sunset. Time was flexible in dreams, and so the morning sun transitioned quickly from a bright yellow to a saturated orange. Wisps of its colors fill the sky mixed with the blue that was starting to turn darker. Daehwi leans against Jihoon shoulder as he sings in a soft tune. Jihoon closes his eyes as he listens to it. They relished in their moment together before they had to wake up and face another reality without each other.
“What’s the first thing you think about when you wake up, Daehwi?” In every dream, Jihoon has a habit of asking Daehwi a question; acquiring as much information he could get about the boy just to tell himself that the boy of his dreams was real. Daehwi hums in deep thought before giving Jihoon his reply.
“Aside from thinking about what to eat and then what I studied about last night? I think of what it would be like to wake up next to you. Would I be able to hold you? Maybe give you a morning kiss? Stuff like that. How about you?”
Jihoon was surprised how they were almost thinking the same thing. They were both curious about each other and piecing each other in aspects of their daily lives. It made him happy.
“I think about that too and what you be like at breakfast too.”
“Of course, I’m cooking breakfast, right?” Daehwi teases.
“Yeah, I guess you are.”
Before anything else followed, Jihoon’s world turned pitch black again and he was thrust back into his bedroom with the sound of his cellphone buzzing. It was his alarm. He had to be up by 6 am for his movie shoot. He sighed and turned the alarm off, staring at the empty space on his bed. It was empty, just as it should be. But there was never a moment where his yearning would kick in and he just couldn’t shake it off.
“Soon,” he tells himself. “We’ll be together soon.”