Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sherlock’s phone.

A Sunday evening like any other.

“BORED”.

You created this group chat.

You changed the group chat name to “BORED”.

John joined this group chat.

Lestrade joined this group chat.

Mycroft joined this group chat.

John: Um… Hello?

Lestrade: What is this?

Sherlock: A group chat, you geniuses.

Lestrade: Yeah, ok, genius, but why did you make it?

Sherlock: Isn’t it obvious enough? Because I’m bored.

Mycroft: I am a bit too busy for this, brother mine.

Sherlock: If you are, then why even bother texting?

Lestrade: Do you really have nothing to do, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Lestrade, if you keep asking obvious questions you’ll lose your title of less stupid member of Scotland Yard.

John: I thought you had a case about some necklace vanished in strange circumstances?

Sherlock: Yes, clear as day, solved it this morning while you were grocery shopping, I’m bored NOW.

John: Right. And this is what you decide to do.

I bet you’ll get sick of this group in less than a day.

Sherlock: Then let’s see it as an experiment! To test my... endurance.

John: In social matters? It’s not very high.

Lestrade: A group chat with Sherlock. Maybe it’ll be funny.

Mycroft: “Funny” isn’t the word I would use.

Sherlock: The point isn’t to be funny. I just want to stop being bored.

You changed the profile picture.

Lestrade: Hahahahaha, what did I just say about it being funny?

John: SHERLOCK! When the hell did you take that picture of me?

Sherlock: You were so focused on writing your little blog. Look at the wrinkles on your forehead, you only get those when you write.

Lestrade: HAHAHAHA why is it so zoomed in?

Sherlock: To remove all irrelevant elements.

John: For God’s sake.

Lestrade: Hey, John, look at that. He’s just called your face a relevant element. Isn’t he nice.

Mycroft: Seriously, Sherlock? I don’t want to have to look at a close-up of doctor Watson’s face whenever I open this group chat.

Sherlock: Then don’t open it.

Molly Hooper joined this group chat.

Lestrade: I added Molly!

Molly: Hi?

Sherlock: Why did you?

John: Sherlock!

Sherlock: What?

John: What do you mean "what"? Don’t be rude.

Hello, Molly.

Molly: Oh, hi boys!

What’s up with John’s super-zoomed-in face?

Lestrade: I added her so she would join the fun, obviously.

Sherlock: Was that rude? It wasn’t.

John: Yes it was.

Lestrade: Yes it was.

Molly: Um… Well, I agree, it was.

Sherlock: Oh, for God’s sake.

John: Endurance test: failed.

Sherlock: What crossed my mind when I made this group chat?

John: I think you were bored.

Sherlock: Thank you, John.

Mycroft: Ah, the sophisticated art of blatant, unfunny sarcasm.

Sherlock: Oh. Not so busy now, Mycroft?

No, wait, I got it. You’re at the dentist.

Mycroft: Correct. It took you a while. Are you getting slow?

No reply? Did I hurt your pride?

Sherlock: John, we’re out of milk.

Mycroft: Ignoring a text you clearly read is too childish even for you.

John: I’m at Lena’s. Can you get the milk yourself, just once?

Sherlock: Ah, your girlfriend. Now that you bring her up, her last boyfriend issued a restraining order for her and she is quite possibly a psychopath. Pretty sure she killed her cat. Did you really not get a single hint?

John: Very funny, but I’m not gonna go home. Buy the milk.

Sherlock: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Molly: Poor cat!

John: Oh come on, Molly. It’s not true.

Lestrade: How on earth do you make those guesses? Is that even true? I want to see that girl now. Just to know what a cat killer psychopath looks like to you.

John: If you want to see what a psychopath looks like, look no further than Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock: For the last time, they’re not GUESSES, they are deductions, and yes, of course it’s true.

Lestrade: Yeah, yeah. Are you sure you’re not just a stalker? How else would you know about the restraining order?

Sherlock: How are you so... thick-headed? I can’t believe you actually work at NSY.

Lestrade: Woah, alright, mate, I get it, I’m dumb and you’re clever. What’s this Lena girl’s last name though? Maybe I can look her up... The restraining order should show up.

John: Lestrade, for God’s sake!

Sherlock: You want him to do it, admit it.

Lestrade: Ok fine, no looking her up.

But I do want to see her. Can you introduce me? See what someone who killed their cat looks like?

...

John?

We’re just joking around, come on

Sherlock: Sorry, John, I didn’t mean to insult you for not being bright enough to suspect her. I understand that you’re just slightly blinded by the combination of insecurities that led you to try to fill your existential void with new flings.

John: Shut up for a minute, will you.

...

Molly: What if we change the subject?

Lestrade: Not a bad idea.

Molly: How are you, John? You had some sort of accident recently, didn’t you? Haven’t had the chance to ask you about it.

Lestrade: I went to Baker Street yesterday, he looked well.

John: I am better, thank you Molly. But I won’t be working next week, my leg is still recovering.

Molly: Oh, I see.

How did it even happen?

John: Oh, you know, the typical. Sherlock decides it’s a great idea to jump from the top of a 2-story building. He nails the landing. I do not. He dramatically fights a criminal, swishing his coat around, while I am in pain on the ground because I can’t move my leg.

And he only realizes that five minutes later.

Molly: Well, ouch.

Sherlock: Hardly my fault you don’t know how to survive a tiny little fall.

John: Entirely your fault that you assumed I did! And ignoring me afterwards, that’s your fault, too.

Sherlock: I wasn’t ignoring you. I didn’t even realize it, as you’ve just said.

Molly: OOOook, boys, I think we should all relax now.

So are you doing ok now, John?

John: Yeah. The damn limp is annoying though, really annoying. Reminds me of the time when I was just back from Afghanistan.

I had to get some crutches from the hospital, too. Kind of hate them. I don't know what happened to my cane, should be somewhere in my room, but… well, it’s not.

Molly: That’s quite odd, right?

Lestrade: Quite odd? Have you SEEN how messy their flat can get? Wouldn’t be surprised if they lost track of where the bed is.

Sherlock: It’s a shame the limp isn’t psychosomatic. This time running after a taxi won't solve anything.

We can try if you want to, though.

Lestrade: Ohh… Almost forgot about that! The time I met John. Back then I didn’t even notice that John’s limp had disappeared, you know, when we were in the drugs bust in your flat.

Sherlock: That’s not a surprise, you never notice anything.

Molly: Slow down, a drugs bust? Really?

John: Long story.

Molly: But you didn’t find any drugs… did you?

Sherlock: It was just an excuse for Lestrade to bother me.

Lestrade: There was a pretty high chance you had murdered a woman, actually, but word it however you want.

And it’s not like Sherlock would be the last person on Earth to be in possession of drugs.

Sherlock: Sorry, what are you now, Mycroft #2?

Lestrade: What, because I care about that?

Sherlock: Yes. Because you care about that.

Molly: We all care, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Whatever.

Chat about whatever you please, I don’t seem to be in control of this group chat anymore.

And enjoy your wonderful date, John.

Lestrade: Someone’s pissed...

Molly: Anyone there? Now I’m the one who’s bored.

Lestrade: I’m here.

Who would’ve thought we’d all be... flocking back to Sherlock’s little group chat.

Sherlock: Here too. I was doing an experiment but the microwave exploded.

John: The microwave WHAT???

SHERLOCK

Wait a minute.

I see what you’re doing.

I’M NOT GOING HOME! Stop trying! And buy the damn milk.

Lestrade: So that’s what you do when you’re bored, Sherlock? You try to spoil John’s dates?

John: Yes. He does.

Sherlock: No I don’t. John’s dates spoil themselves.

Molly: I’m lost. So the microwave didn’t explode?

Lestrade: I don’t think so. That microwave has been the subject of too many experiments, but it was still fine the last time I visited Sherlock and John. Strong and sturdy!

Molly: John and Sherlock’s microwave, the real hero.

Mycroft: I am starting to realize some things that make me glad I don’t live with my brother anymore.

Sherlock: The problem is you’re starting to realize them now. And you call me slow...

Lestrade: Does anybody really know what happens in 221B Baker Street?

I mean apart from poor Mrs. Hudson.

Molly: I don’t have a clue, personally.

John: Mycroft probably has cameras.

But yeah, I don’t know. I don’t have a clue either. And I live here.

Sherlock: Don’t worry. It isn’t surprising from you lot to not have a clue about something.

John: Sherlock.

Sherlock: Oh, what, I have been rude again?

Lestrade: We’re used to it, no worries.

Sherlock: You see, John? They’re used to it. You don’t need to interrupt your stellar date to scold me.

John: Great. Then I’ll leave that to Mycroft from now on.

Mycroft: That is not my job, John. And thank God it isn’t.

John: Well it isn’t mine either. And you’re his big brother!

Well… then maybe you, Greg?

Lestrade: Oh, no, mate, not my division.

Sherlock: Greg. Greg . I had forgotten again.

Molly: Did his mum never scold him when he was a child?

Mycroft: Excuse me, my brother’s manners are not our mother’s fault.

Molly: Oh, um… sorry? No offense. Sorry.

Sherlock: Stop talking like I’m a baby you have to take care of.

Lestrade: You act like one!

Sherlock: Bah.

Molly: A really clever baby.

Lestrade: That just sounds weird, Molly.

Sherlock: Still boooooorrrrrrred.

John: Please, don’t shoot the wall again this time.

Molly: Has he ever… You know what, nevermind, stupid question.

Sherlock: Finally, a little self-awareness.

How’s your date going, John?

John: It’s going fantastically.

Lena is having a shower right now.

Lestrade: Restrain yourself and don’t interrupt.

John: Gross, Greg.

Lestrade: Hey!

Sherlock: Still not giving up on the psychopath, then?

John: She. Is. Not. A. Psychopath. Can you stop implying bad things about my girlfriends?

Sherlock: Oh, I’m not implying anything, I am fully confirming it. I bet psychopathy, narcissism, and a little bit of a murderous instinct weren’t among the list of things you look for in a potential partner.

Lestrade: Sherlock, that sounds like a description of yourself.

Mycroft: It does. Are we sure those things are not in John’s list?

John: Oh come on, so she’s not just a psychopath anymore? You’re just making things up at this point. Look. First of all, I do NOT have a list of things I look for in a woman.

Sherlock: Not materially, which doesn’t mean it does not exist.

John: Second of all, she is NOT a psychopath, or a narcissist, or a potential murderer.

And lastly, I’m going to turn off the phone.

Sherlock: Pfft. No you’re not.

Lestrade: Sherlock, did you make this chat just to share all your domestics with us?

Molly: I’m uncomfortable…

Lestrade: Why? This is really funny.

John: Definitely going to turn it off.

“John”.

Status: Online.

Sherlock: John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

John.

Status: -

“BORED”.

Sherlock: He is no longer online.

Lestrade: You mean John?

What about that?

Sherlock: I don’t know. Did he actually turn his phone off?

Lestrade: Are you actually surprised?

Mycroft: Oh, he is upset, my poor little brother.

Sherlock: No.

Molly: Just let John enjoy the moment. I bet she’s not that bad!

Right?

Sherlock, do you actually think she’s dangerous? I’m kind of scared for John now.

Sherlock: She wouldn’t be the most dangerous person he’s ever spent an evening with.

Lestrade: The most dangerous one being you, I suppose?

Sherlock: Are you out of the dentist already, Mycroft?

Mycroft: On my way home. When did you start being interested about me?

Sherlock: Just bored.

Mycroft: Yes, I see, that is the whole point of this group chat, isn’t it.

Sherlock: John is online again.

Mycroft: And… you said that in the group conversation solely to avoid talking directly to him and keep your pride intact, how interesting.

John: Yeah, alright, I’m here again.

Lestrade: Nothing to say about your date?

…

John: She got… a bit heated up.

Lestrade: In the sexy way?

John: In the dangerous way.

Molly: I was worried about you, John! Did you get home safe?

John: Yep. I mean, I’m still on the way there, actually, but hopefully she isn’t following my cab or anything.

Molly: Was she really a psychopath?

John: I’m not one to get scared easily but. You know. She was being a little. Weird.

Also she kind of kept knives everywhere in her house, under the pillow too.

I mean, you do too, Sherlock. But it’s different. You warned me first.

Molly: Really, did he? That sounds strangely nice of him.

John: Also, I’m pretty sure she killed her cat.

Sherlock: Not interested in her, then?

John: Of course not.

…

Sherlock: So I was right.

Lestrade: Sherlock, you know he’s not going to literally say that.

Mycroft: What a wonderful showcase of pride.

Sherlock: You’re not one to talk about pride, Mycroft.

John: I agree with that.

I’ll buy the milk before I get home.

Sherlock: I already bought it.

John: Really?

Sherlock: Yes.

Boredom makes people do silly things.

John: Surprising regardless. When did you buy it?

Sherlock: Don’t know. Time flows strangely on Sundays. Shortly after you told me to do it.

John: Then why did you want me to go home? You already had the milk.

Sherlock: Well, you know.

Obviously, it was on your behalf, I was just trying to convince you about Lena’s condition. Your life was quite literally in risk.

John: Yes, I suppose you can say that.

Molly: Happy ending, then?

Lestrade: Happy ending!

Mycroft: Oh, my God. I don’t even know why I keep reading the incoming messages of this group.

Sherlock: Yes, you do.

Lestrade: Let me guess. Overprotective big brother who wants to know all about his little brother’s whereabouts?

John: That’s pretty much it, yeah.

Molly: You were kind of right about this being funny, Lestrade.

Lestrade: Yeah, right?

You can call me Greg, by the way.

Molly: Um… OK, Greg!

Sherlock: Better go to sleep now, all of you. Your sleep patterns are too fragile for this.

Molly: It is getting late. Good night everyone then!

Lestrade: Good night.

John: Good night.

Sherlock: Bah.

Chapter Text

John's phone.

The next day! Monday morning!

Molly: Good morning everybody!

Greg: Almost forgot this chat’s photo was John’s zoomed-in face. Good morning.

John: Good morning too.

Sherlock: Why do you all say that? The course of the morning will remain the same regardless of the “good morning” wishes.

John: It’s called education, Sherlock.

Molly: I always say hello to everyone in all of my group chats...  

I just wanted to… cheer you guys up a little?

Greg: It’s ok, don’t worry, Molly.

Molly: Thanks for being my ally Greg, haha.

Sherlock: John, go downstairs and ask Mrs. Hudson to make breakfast.

John: I’m upstairs you know, you don’t need to text me.

Sherlock: If I wanted to go upstairs to tell you such an irrelevant thing, I would have made the same effort to go downstairs and tell Mrs. Hudson myself.

John: Oh, then here’s a wild idea: why don’t you do it? Her room is closer to you than to me.

And there’s my damn limp!

Mycroft.: Why are you all so chatty? Don’t you have work to go to at this time of the day?

Sherlock: No clients yet, “minor position in the British Government”.  

Mycroft.: Oh, yes, I momentarily forgot that you don’t have a real job.

Sherlock: Even you ask me for help because of my “not-real job”.

John: What a beautiful morning to read the Holmes brothers’ little rows.

Molly: I’m going to the morgue. Again, good morning to all of you!

Sherlock: See? There’s someone who has a real job! I’m sure anybody would prefer to go to a morgue every day.

John: Well, you actually go to the morgue pretty often… to spend your time hitting corpses, mostly…

Sherlock: Still part of my job.

And quite more fun.

Greg: Is no one going to respond to Molly?

Good morning, Molly.

I’m going to work, too.

...

Sherlock: John?

Jooooooohn?

Jjjjjjjooooohhhhhhnnnnnnn.

John: Yeah, okay, I’ll go and tell Mrs. Hudson. Give me one sec.

“Sherlock”.

Status: -

John: Where the hell have you gone?

Seriously, it’s been like an hour, I honestly expected you to show up at the door a minute later asking me to go with you, you do that sort of thing.

…

You’re doing cases solo now, is that it?

I may have a limp but that doesn’t mean I can’t help you.

…

Alright, well. No point, I see.

“BORED”.

John: I’m sorry to bother, but has anybody seen Sherlock?

Greg: I haven’t.

Molly: Me neither, why?

John: I came back from the shop and he was reading something on his laptop, but suddenly he shut it closed, jumped in the air and put on his coat while yelling about a case.

I asked if I could help but he left without a word.

Greg: Well, that’s the kind of things Sherlock does, are you still surprised?

Anyway, he hasn’t been around here, but I’ll tell you if I see him.

Molly: When was that?

John: More than an hour ago.

He won’t answer the phone.

Mycroft.: Did my brother get lost? Not even letting him near his flatmate will help keep him under control...

John: I’m not his nanny!

Greg: I don’t think he has gotten into trouble, don’t worry.

John: I’m not worried, it’s just that, I don’t know.

He always gets into trouble, though.

Mycroft.: You may not be his nanny but you sure sound like you are.

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

Sherlock: Come on, John. I never do cases solo. Anymore.

*sends location*

“BORED”.

Sherlock: I’m on a case! And not lost, Mycroft.

John: So finally! Which case?

Sherlock: Sent location. Come and I will explain.

Could be dangerous, a murder will take place in the next four hours in the exact place I’m standing on.

John: I’m coming!

Greg: Are you sure, Sherlock?

Sherlock: I’m always sure.

Greg: Need any help?

Sherlock: Oh, yeah, well, maybe you’ll have to be here to arrest the murderer. No hurry. We can handle it. I’ll call.

Molly: Good luck, boys! And John, watch your leg.

John: Thanks, Molly, but my leg is okay.

Mycroft.: Be careful, little brother.

Greg: Just curious, does he ever listen to you when you tell him to be careful?

Mycroft.: No. Not ever.

Greg: That’s what I thought.

Mycroft.: At this point, it’s as useful as wishing someone a good morning every day. Which is to say not at all. Mere courtesy.

Molly: Any news about the case?

Mycroft.: Thank God my brother is not stupid enough to enable the sound notifications on his mobile phone while on a case, because texts like yours, Molly Hooper, could have basically ruined everything.

Molly: Um… I’m… sorry?

John: Mycroft, we know that you’re always trying to make people feel bad someway, but take a break.

Mycroft.: What am I now, a heartbreaker? People’s sensibilities are not my fault but theirs.

John: Whatever, we caught the culprit. Greg said he’s on his way.

Greg: I am.

Molly: Oh, good. I hope everything goes alright.

Sherlock: Don’t worry, there is no way he escapes. He’s in a compromising position. Literally.

Molly: What do you mean?

John:  *sends picture*

Molly: ... Great, now I’m really struggling not to start laughing in the middle of a morgue. 

Greg: How the hell did you do that to him?

Molly: It looks like a yoga position gone wrong.

Greg: Now I'm more scared of yoga than I've ever been before.

Molly: Why were you scared of yoga to begin with?

Sherlock: Shut up, you two. Thank you. He fell downstairs due to the surprise he experienced when he saw us both appear, I would say, and then… well, I found appropriate to make sure he couldn’t move. Didn’t give me any trouble.

John: I thought I could help him with a rope or something, but it wasn’t actually necessary.

Mycroft.: You keep surprising me every day, dear brother.

Greg: I don’t think he’ll ever stop. 

And that scares me.

Molly: It is scary.

Sherlock: Boooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred.

Anybody there?

Where are you, John?

Don’t tell me you’re on another date.

John: Of course not! I’m shopping.

Sherlock: Shopping? What for?

John: It’s Mrs. Hudson’s birthday this Wednesday, remember?

Sherlock: Oh, yes, we’re supposed to give her some sort of present, aren’t we?

John: It’d be nice, yes.

Greg: What are you going to get her?

John: I’m not the one with the ideas. Sherlock?

Sherlock: I’m not the one who gives birthday presents. Why’d you go shopping if you don’t know what to get her, anyway?

Molly: Oh, you two are discussing birthday presents like normal people do?

Greg: Isn’t it surprising? You’d think they’d be talking about corpses and milk all the time.

Molly: Just give her some nice clothes?

Sherlock: Boring.

Molly: Perfume?

Sherlock: Even more boring, Molly, Jesus.

Greg: Why don’t you give her something useful, an everyday kind of object.

Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson herself is a storage of useful objects, that won't work.

John: She’s like Mary Poppins.

Molly: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

…

…

Molly: OK, sorry.

Greg: Hah, let me guess, a birthday present is one of the bigger mysteries Sherlock has had to face.

Molly: Hmm… I doubt she’s into technology…

John: She isn’t very tech savvy, but she seemed to enjoy the laptop we gave her that one time. For Christmas.

In fact, you’ve just given me an idea.

Molly: Have I?

John: Maybe she’d like a smartphone too.

Greg: You going to give her a smartphone?

John: Well… yes?

Sherlock, what do you think?

Sherlock.

Sherlock: It’s not such a bad idea.

John: Really?

Sherlock: Yes. But if we keep gifting her various devices she will pick up on the fact that we’re out of ideas for presents.

You don’t have enough money though, go buy it tomorrow.

John: It’ll still be expensive tomorrow.

Oh wait, you mean you're going to pay for it?

Sherlock: Obviously. But if it makes you feel like you’re cooperating, you can contribute with a minor part of the money.

John: Oh. Well. Seems fair to me.

Greg: And thus ends the most complicated mystery that Sherlock Holmes has ever faced.

Sherlock: John was the one trying to solve the mystery. So congrats, John, on solving your first case.

Molly: I’m sure she’ll like being up to date with technology. Glad to have helped!

Sherlock: Honestly, you didn’t really help extraordinarily, but if it makes you feel good about yourself.

John: Sherlock!

Mycroft.: All of this is so utterly irrelevant…

Sherlock: Ah, Mycroft! How’s your exercise session going?

Mycroft.: Oh. You picked up on that.

It’s going fine. I’m just taking a break.

Sherlock: Sure. Good luck.

Greg: How can you know what he’s doing?

What, no reply?

Hey John, remember what you mentioned about Mycroft having cameras? Are we sure it’s not Sherlock who is watching his brother?

John: Honestly? I wouldn’t rule it out.

Sherlock: I keep getting all the boring cases.

I just got an email from a man who is being cheated on by his wife.

If he reread the email using a bigger portion of his brain, he’d know that already, and he wouldn’t have the need to send it to me. It’s so obvious. Why don’t people just observe?

…

Is no one going to talk?

...

Have read through all my emails.

Bored again.

Greg: Oh God, Sherlock.

Sherlock: What?

I have nothing to do.

Greg: Yeah, I can see that.

Molly: Did you actually tell the poor man that he was being cheated on, though?

Sherlock: John, you are late.

Molly: Feels nice being ignored.

Sherlock: Ah, nevermind, I can already see your cab through the window.

Molly: But hey, story of my life.

Greg: Molly, he probably didn’t tell him. Doesn’t like sharing information with those he considers to be on a lower intellectual level.

Molly: Tell me about it.

Sherlock: This group is starting to be unproductive, it doesn’t help stop my boredom.

Mycroft.: Why don’t you simply delete it then?

Sherlock: You’re always talking about how much you hate it. Why don’t you simple leave then?

Greg: Touché?

I mean, if he isn't going to say it...

Chapter Text

Sherlock's phone.

Tuesday morning.

Molly: Good morning, guys!

Lestrade: Morning everybody!

John: Good morning.

Sherlock: Yes, well, whatever.

Mycroft: Again, you rise early.

Lestrade: Is that bad?

Mycroft: The bad thing is to rise early to say “good morning” in a group chat.

But do whatever you want. I’m going to the British Government. Goodbye.

Sherlock: You take every chance you've got to show off.

John: You do the same thing.

Sherlock: But my job is cooler.

Mycroft: Dreaming is free.

Sherlock: I thought you were leaving.

Mycroft: I am. Goodbye.

Molly: Is every morning going to be the same in this group chat?

Lestrade: You mean... Sherlock refusing to say good morning? The Holmes bros fighting?

Molly: Both of those, yes.

Lestrade: Then the answer is probably yes.

Sherlock: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be able to survive.

Molly: Well… Off to work. Have a nice morning, guys!

Lestrade: You too, Molly. I’m leaving as well, goodbye!

…

John: Sherlock, get out of your room. We have a client.

Sherlock: Too early. Can’t you just tell them to come back later?

John: It’s a woman, and she’s on the verge of tears. I don’t even understand what she’s saying. I’m trying to calm her down. Failing.

Sherlock: Alright… Coming.

Lestrade: How are you all? Any recent catastrophes?

Molly: I’m OK, having a coffee. No catastrophes over here.

Lestrade: Me too, thank God for coffee. By the way – Sherlock, John, what was it with the crying woman?

John: She came from Cardiff. Her fiancé died last night, nobody knows how, and her father didn’t want to call the police, so she came to see Sherlock.

After visiting the crime scene and meeting her family, I thought her father was the murderer (I mean, he didn't want to call the police. That's suspicious, yeah? It isn't just me?). Sherlock suspects that it was the woman who cleans the house though. We’re in a cab now – in our way to the final proof, according to Sherlock.

Lestrade: It is suspicious. And where are you going, exactly?

John: To a clothing factory. Don’t ask me.

Sherlock: It was the maid. I know it. I just need the proof.

Molly: Good luck with the case. You're right John, that's quite suspicious.

Sherlock: Stop praising him for doing nothing. 

John: Sherlock, the epitome of kindness.

Sherlock: Well, sometimes you actually do things right. You ought to get credit when you deserve it.

Lestrade: That took a surprisingly nice turn.

Oh by the way, I read about the previous case in John’s blog, too. He posted that photo of the guy in a “compromised position”…

Molly: Oh God I can’t stop laughing over that photo

Lestrade: Right? I love the guy's face. It's pure despair.

John: Who knew the content people wanted to see was pure despair. I'll take notes.

Sherlock: I’m glad you like John’s blog so much, but you’d find more interesting things (and a more adequate use of the English language, too) if you looked at my website.

Lestrade: I’d be interested if you explained how to do what you did to the guy in that photo.

Sherlock: Don’t bother, you wouldn’t be able to emulate it.

Lestrade: You know, maybe that’s the kind of attitude that makes people not want to go to your website.

John: Spot on.

Sherlock: Attitude? Attitude is irrelevant. My website is about my brain and my methods.

Now shut up everybody, we’ve arrived at the factory.

Sherlock: I’m glad to see that you all actually shut up.

Molly: Case solved, then?

Sherlock: Yes. And of course, I was right – it was the maid. The bottom of her skirt, the dead man’s toes and some scratches in the wall told me everything I needed to know about her culpability.

Molly: Impressive as always, Sherlock!

Sherlock: I know.

John: You should try saying thank you for once.

Sherlock: And what the hell would be the use of that?

Lestrade: But why did you need to go to the clothing factory?

Sherlock: I don’t have time for stupid questions, I’m hungry and bored of staying at home.

John: We just got here!

Sherlock: Let’s go out for dinner.

John: Asking me?

Sherlock: Obviously. Do you think I want to have dinner with Molly?

Molly: Why not?

John: Does it have to be right now? I’m tired.

And don’t worry, Greg, I’m going to talk about the case on my blog. If you had to wait for Sherlock to tell you what goes through his brain…

Lestrade: He tells YOU, though.

John: I’m quite sure most of the time he’s talking to himself, I just happen to be in the room at the time.

Sherlock: I hope when you post the case this time you don’t miss the important points of my methods, John. It isn’t about me; I want to make sure that Lestrade fully understands the case, since he looks so interested.

And no. That only happens sometimes.

And yes. Dinner. It has to be right now.

John: Oh, come on, Sherlock. No thanks.

Lestrade: Thanks for your consideration, Sherlock.

In the end, John’s blog is our last hope.

Molly: I’m looking forward to reading the case too!

...

John: Sherlock, where is my laptop?

Molly: Why are you asking him over text?

John: He's ignoring me. Refuses to open his bedroom door.

Sherlock.

Sherlock!

Sherlock: I hid it. I’ll give it back to you when we’re back from dinner.

John: Oh my God. Do I have no choice?

Sherlock: Nope. :)

Molly: John, just look for it?

John: Trust me, when Sherlock hides something, that’s not an option.

I’ll go get my jacket upstairs.

Lestrade: What a romantic way to convince your partner to have dinner with you, right?

John: We’re. Not. A. COUPLE.

Sherlock: John, I’m calling a cab, I’ll wait for you outside. Hurry up.

…

Molly: So… they’re gone.

Lestrade: Yeah.

Hey, don’t you feel like something’s missing?

Molly: What do you mean?

Lestrade: Mycroft doesn’t text often anyway, but he’s been very silent in the last hours.

Molly: Oh… right.

Lestrade: The last news we had from him was that he was going to the British Government. Do you think he’s trapped inside there?

Mycroft: Thank you for your concern, but no, I am not. Considering the direction that this group has taken, I have decided that the best choice is to stay quiet and say nothing while you all go crazy freely.

Lestrade: So you’re watching us from the distance… from the darkness. That’s kind of creepy.

Mycroft: This is what I mean when I talk about the members of this chat going crazy.

Lestrade: Anyway, it’d be better if you kept talking here. What would this group be without the Holmes brothers’ fights in the morning?

Mycroft: Shall I take that as a compliment?

Lestrade: Take it as you wish, mate.

Mycroft: Don’t call me that.

Lestrade: Ok, mate.

Sherlock: Bored.

John: Bored? We just came back home!

Sherlock: Bored anyway.

Molly: Did you enjoy your dinner?

Lestrade: Were there candles on the table?

John: I suppose I should answer yes.

I mean to Molly’s question, not yours Greg.

Sherlock: Why wouldn’t you say yes?

To Molly’s question.

There were candles, though.

Lestrade: Hahaha I knew it

John: I was forced to go, I’m not sure of what to think about it.

Sherlock: Come on.

John: Okay, yeah, it was moderately enjoyable. Are you going to give me my laptop back, by the way?

Sherlock: Be patient.

Molly: You’re in the same flat yet you’re texting each other?

Sherlock: Takes a long time to go from the living room to John’s bedroom.

Molly: You are surprisingly lazy for a detective.

Lestrade: He’s got to save his energy for running around London like a madman.

Molly: And beating up dead bodies.

Lestrade: And candlelit dinners.

Sherlock: Very funny.

Molly: Oh, these jokes are in good spirit, you know that, Sherlock!

Lestrade: Speak for yourself, Molly. I hate him.

John: By the way, though I should keep you updated – we bought Mrs. Hudson’s present on the way home.

Lestrade: Oh the phone? Keep us posted on her reaction

I bet you’re going to have to teach her how to use it, step by step… summon up your patience.

John: Oh, no, I hadn’t thought of that… Of course, I reckon Sherlock won’t help at all.

Do you guys think it’s too late to return it?

Lestrade: Oh, come on. No take backs now.

Molly: I’m sure you can convince Sherlock to help, though!

John: You’re too positive. Sherlock’s mind can’t conceive teaching someone anything. His patience would reach limits unknown by man and he would explode.

Mycroft: Reasonable reaction if the person you are trying to teach is a complete idiot, the most probable option considering that most of the human species is.

Lestrade: You and Sherlock are so alike… I don’t get your constant bickering.

Sherlock: We really are not and it’s too complicated for you, Lestrade; not going to be the one who explains.

John: Trust me, Greg, don’t ask. They’re just like that.

Molly: Are they never going to stop?

John: No.

Sherlock: Nope.

Mycroft: What can I say? The balance of probability agrees with those verdicts.

Lestrade: Don’t hold out any hope!

Molly: I see… I think I’m going to sleep.

Lestrade: Good night!

...

John: Sherlock, my laptop!

Sherlock: Yes, hold on. You’re so impatient.

John: Said Sherlock Holmes, the most patient man in the world.

Wait, are you using it right now?

Sherlock: Obviously.

I must say, your new password was even easier to guess than the last one.

John: Oh God

Chapter Text

Wednesday morning.

Molly: Good morning to everyone!

Lestrade: Good morning!

John: Good morning.

Sherlock: Hmmm. Interesting.

John: What is interesting?

Sherlock: Nothing.

Mycroft: Isn’t it annoying to spend every day hearing Sherlock’s attempts at being mysterious, John?

John: Because you never try to sound dramatic or anything.

Mycroft: Isn’t it annoying to spend every day with Sherlock, in general?

John: As I told you once, I never get bored.

Lestrade: We owe him that, we never get bored with him.

Sherlock: You owe me half of your solved cases, too.

Lestrade: Don’t exaggerate.

Sherlock: I’m not.

Mycroft: For once? What a miracle.

Sherlock: If we’re discussing exaggerations, you’ve got the losing way.

Mycroft: Oh, really? Come on.

John: Drama queen.

…

Sherlock: Who are you talking about, exactly?

Lestrade: Both of you Holmes bros.

Mycroft: Watch your words, D.I.

Lestrade: I just made a clarification about John’s words

Molly: I can smell the danger… I’m leaving just in case.

Lestrade: Good, at least one of us has to survive. Have a good day, Molly

Molly: Thanks, you too, and good luck!

Lestrade: Always need good luck with Sherlock Holmes around here…

Sherlock: May I remind you what I just said about your cases?

Lestrade: No thanks

Sherlock: Good.

Lestrade: Gonna do it anyway after all, aren’t you?

Sherlock: Yes.

Lestrade: Still need good luck. Wish me some for today, I’m leaving.

John: Good luck, Greg.

Sherlock: First the “good morning” thing, and then this? The concept of luck itself is ridiculous in so many ways.

...

John: Sherlock, you haven't given me my laptop back yet.

Sherlock: Ah, yes, that. Is there a real hurry?

John: Sherlock…

Sherlock: Alright, take it by yourself. It’s inside the wardrobe, behind the beggar costume.

John: Oh. I could’ve found that myself. Your hiding places are getting less difficult.

Mycroft: I agree with your doctor, Sherlock. Losing abilities?

Sherlock: Bah.

Mycroft: Brilliant answer. You are certainly eloquent today.

Molly: Anyone there? I’m off work earlier today.

Lestrade: I’m here too. Having some donuts in the office. How are you?

Molly: I’m fine, thanks. A little bit bored, but well, that’s what this group chat is for!

Lestrade: Bored? Why’s that?

Molly: I’m used to routine, and I don’t have any plans for today, so… I don’t know what to do, since I finished work earlier.

Lestrade: I see.

Hey...

Molly: Yes?

Lestrade: Nevermind, that text wasn’t meant for this chat, sorry

By the way… John, are you online? Sherlock?

John: I am, hello.

Lestrade: You said you’d tell us about Mrs. Hudson’s reaction to her present. Out with it

John: Oh, she was very happy – I think she said thank you like 5 times before she even opened the wrapping. I spent half an hour explaining the basics to her. I’ve got the feeling she’s going to use it very often… which means I’m going to be her technical assistant for some time.

Sherlock: To be precise, she said “thank you” six times before opening the wrapping, and eight and a half times after doing it.

Molly: What do you mean “eight and a half”?

Sherlock: I interrupted the last “thank you”.

Lestrade: Sick of hearing her after only 8 times? That’s weak.

Can imagine that scene, almost a nice birthday until Sherlock Holmes strikes again.

John: Oh, no, no. He interrupted it to hug her.

Molly: Really??? How cute!

Sherlock: Did you have to specify that, John?

John: Absolutely.

Molly: Aw, don’t try to appear tough now, Sherlock.

Lestrade: Wow, Sherlock. Now THAT’s impossible to imagine. You should’ve invited me and I could’ve brought the camera.

John: Donovan wouldn’t believe it even if she saw it. ‘Cause you’d show it to her, I know that.

Sherlock: And that’s why Lestrade shouldn’t be allowed anywhere with a camera.

Mycroft: Interesting, all of this. Gathering with a certain sort of people has softened your heart, dear brother.

Lestrade: “A certain sort of people”?

Mycroft: You read well: “a certain sort of people”.

Molly: Sorry, what?

John: Mycroft is just... like that, Greg.

Lestrade: I knew he was another irritating genius, and a bit of a creepy one at that, but...

Sherlock: Dear brother, you should, too, think about gathering with “people”, in general.

Mycroft: I know, that is the kind of thing you say now, isn’t it? You know that caring is not an advantage.

Lestrade: Wow, I’m starting to understand some things about Sherlock’s personality.

Mycroft: Oh. You think I was his influence? How funny. I regret to inform you that you know nothing.

What I do understand, up to a point, is your personality, everyone else’s personality – and what’s behind it is honestly disappointing.

But I will not be the one who spoils the birthday celebration. Enjoy yourself, little brother.

…

Lestrade: Well, he did spoil the celebration.

Sherlock: Bah, you’re too sensitive if you let my brother spoil anything. Now stop talking about him.

Molly: Yeah… this is getting… awkward.

Lestrade: Anyway, I’ve gotta go, guys. Talk to you later!

Molly: Bye, Greg.

Lestrade: Bye, Molls.

Molly: Molls. That’s funny, haha.

I mean, I like it. It’s cute!

…

Sherlock: John, there’s a client. And he’s not so boring. Come downstairs.

Molly: Hey! How are you all?

Lestrade: I’m fine myself, bit tired, just got out from work. It’s mad sometimes. What about you?

Molly: Oh well, I was going to have a sandwich for dinner.

Lestrade: You call that dinner? Bit sad.

Molly: Yeah I know. As I told you, I have no plans, and… you know. My life’s just like this.

Lestrade: Oh. Well.

Molly: It sounds sad, right? Sorry! Haha. I meant to add a laughing emoji, or something.

Sherlock: Don’t talk about boring things in a group called “BORED”.

Lestrade: What else do you suggest?

John: Um… Have you all read my blog? I posted the last case already.

Sherlock: Why do you always bring up your blog somehow?

John: Same way you always manage to get to the subject of “you” somehow.

Lestrade: Thanks, John. I’ll read the case right away.

Hey, Molly.

Molly: Yes?

...

Lestrade: Nothing, nevermind, sorry. I’m caught up with work.

Chapter Text

Thursday morning!

Molly: Good morning everybody!

Lestrade: Good morning!

John: Morning.

Sherlock: Hmmm… It’s definitive – there’s a pattern.

John: What?

Sherlock: Every morning, Molly, after waking up – obviously thanks to her alarm clock – texts those ridiculous “good morning” wishes to all her groups, so she is the first to write in here every day. Lestrade immediately follows her and John comes next. The pattern is obvious now – it will remain unchanged every day as long as the “why” doesn’t change. And here comes the “why”.

Unless he’s busy, Lestrade is always ready to pick up his phone every time he gets a notification, that’s why his response is so quick. I know for a fact that John always waits a while after his phone rings with an incoming text, especially in the morning, when he likes to lay in bed for a while, even if he’s already completely awake. That’s why he’s the third one.

Lestrade: I don’t even know what to say to this.

Sherlock: Don’t say anything, I haven’t finished yet. So – even if the pattern is obvious, the time of these three first texts changes.

As far as I know, Molly is usually very punctual. Molly’s alarm clock must be programmed to wake her up a number that ends in 0 or 5 – because everyone always does that. So let’s assume that she gets up at half past five, shortly before her texts in the morning. 5:35 would mean she is alarmingly fast at sending texts, plus it doesn’t concur with recent evidence. In the first morning, she texted us at 5:36 – in the second morning, she did it at 5:35 – very small difference, but today, she texted at 5:33. Why? She texts all of her groups every morning – it’s obvious that this group has become of more relevance to her, so she writes here first. This is the first variation from the usual pattern: apparently, Molly likes this group more than she did before.

Then, there’s Lestrade. Lestrade is often the first one to answer Molly in every and any occasion, but I’m focusing on the “good morning” pattern. In the first morning, Lestrade answered Molly a minute later, more or less. But now, he does it in less than a minute. Wonder why?

At last, there’s John. His subconscious has noticed this pattern. Today, due to a nightmare, he was awake (and online) before Molly even said “good morning”. He didn’t close the app, he was still online. Then why didn’t he say “good morning”? He was waiting for Lestrade to answer “good morning” to Molly, to avoid breaking the pattern he didn't notice he noticed, because his little mind really appreciates order.

All very obvious, of course, but I wanted to confirm it and today was the day to do it.

John: This is…

Sherlock: Maybe “amazing” is the word you’re looking for?

John: No.

This is early. It’s too early for this, Sherlock.

Molly: Wow.

I got one conclusion from all of this – Sherlock really is bored.

Lestrade: I've got three conclusions – Sherlock knows what John does in the morning, Sherlock knows when John has a nightmare and Sherlock regularly waits for John to be online.

Sherlock: You never focus on the most interesting things about my deductions!

Mycroft: I understand that it isn’t obvious for the rest of them and you feel the need to bring it to their attention, brother mine, but I agree with your doctor Watson: it’s too early to show off.

Sherlock: Again, Mycroft, refrain from saying anything to me at all about showing off.

John: I’m not “his” doctor Watson.

Mycroft: Well, this has been very fun. Try not to waste the rest of your energy so quickly before the afternoon, brother. Maybe you should take a heavier breakfast to avoid getting tired.

Goodbye.

Lestrade: I really appreciate Mycroft’s presence here. He always cheers us all up in the mornings, doesn’t he? I don’t regret encouraging him to participate more at all.

Molly: I’m still sleepy… and a bit confused. I think I’m going to go to the morgue.

Lestrade: Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Put your mind in order with a hot coffee, Molly, I’ll do the same. Good morning.

Molly: Good morning!

Sherlock: Do you really need to “put your mind in order” because of my deductions? You’re so sensitive.

Lestrade: It’s because we’re tired. The world doesn’t orbit around you.

Whatever… Going to Scotland Yard. Talk to you later, guys

…

John: Sherlock… How did you know about my nightmare?

Sherlock: Of all the obvious questions, you’re going to ask me this one.

John: Um… Yes?

Lestrade: Sherlock, you have to admit it was kind of a creepy thing to say, but what deduction of yours isn't.

Sherlock: Weren’t you leaving?

Lestrade: Oh forgive me for looking at my phone sometimes.

Sherlock: Your sleep is very deep; you move around a lot (your bed is really terribly noisy) and you snore a decent amount too. Around five a.m., your bed springs got noisier, suggesting that you were moving more than usual due to a bad dream. Then, you woke up, no more snoring or noise. Any more questions?

John: Not right now, no.

Sherlock: I have one for you, then. Feeling better?

John: What?

Sherlock: Because of your nightmare. Are you feeling better?

John: Huh? Yes, of course, it was nothing, I’m fine.

Sherlock: Good.

What about your leg?

John: Is this the official day of Sherlock Holmes worrying about people? If so, is it only once a year?

Sherlock: Forget it.

John: No, no, it’s okay.

Sherlock: Okay?

John: Yeah. It’s okay to worry about other people.

And my leg is okay too, by the way. It’s getting better. I’m thinking actually I’ll stop using the crutches. They’re a bit annoying.

Molly: Maybe we should all take advantage of the official day of Sherlock Holmes worrying about people, huh?

Lestrade: Yeah. Is there something for us too?

Sherlock: No.

Molly: OK.

Lestrade: Alright.

Molly: Kind of expected it.

Lestrade: Me too.

Molly: The nightmare thing was so nice of you, though, Sherlock.

Mycroft: Well, this was a disappointing read.

John: Oh shut up, Mycroft.

Mycroft: Ooh, brother, be careful. Your dog bites.

Well. “Barks” is more like it.

Lestrade: Maybe you should shut up.

Mycroft: Oh, I will definitely take your opinion into account.

You are all equally... disgusting sometimes, but my brother is the one that disappoints me the most.

Didn't imagine he'd be worrying about someone else's nightmares one day, alas here we are. 

If you think about it, it's a sad day for a promising brain.

...

So, brother. Didn’t you say something about a not-so-boring client yesterday at 18:38?

Sherlock: Why ask rhetorical questions?

Mycroft: They are actually a really common part of human speech. You should look it up.

Sherlock: Oh, now you’re the one who knows all about communicating with other humans.

Mycroft: Sometimes you do seem clueless about it, brother. But let me clarify: I am more experienced with efficient human communication that actually leads to places. And what's your version of communicating? Hm, you know a handful of little fun facts for your cases, don't you? That is the extent of your knowledge about humanity. 

Other than that, all you do is nothing but get your little soft heart mangled with no purpose by caring about other humans. And that is what you think you know about it?

Lestrade: Wow. Mangled?

Mycroft: This is by no means any of your business, D.I. Lestrade. Go back to eating doughnuts.

Lestrade: Hey, smartass, if you wanna have your little private fights with Sherlock do it elsewhere. This is a chat group

Mycroft: And that makes you allowed to butt in?

Lestrade: Precisely!

Molly: You know what, Holmes? Maybe you would have more efficient human communication if you actually tried to pretend, even just pretend, to care about other humans. Maybe the British Government doesn’t care about caring – but perhaps it would produce more efficient politics if it did, seeing as politics is ultimately about humanity. At least Sherlock tries. Sometimes, he actually tries! He tries to pretend to care, and he tries to care, and you know what, sometimes, he actually cares. And that’s good. And Greg can eat donuts if he damn well pleases because he’s doing a goddamn good job at Scotland Yard, so shut your mouth.

Lestrade: Wow.

John: Wow.

Incredibly well said, Molly.

Molly: Always the tone of surprise...

John: Was that a Harry Potter reference?

Molly: Why did you know it was? Did Sherlock make you watch the films again

John: He loves deducing things about Dumbledore.

Lestrade: Seriously, wow. I think I’m in love with you, Molly.

Molly: What a flirt, hahahaha

John: I’ve got to go, Sherlock and I are a bit busy. But thanks for saying what we all were thinking, Molly.

Even Sherlock I reckon.

Molly: No prob.

Lestrade: Is it the not-boring case that keeps you two busy? Make sure to keep us posted.

We are genuinely interested, unlike Mycroft, who just wants to watch over his baby brother.

Alright. Gotta focus on work. Later, everyone.

John: Before I say anything, I know, déjà vu, but… have any of you seen Sherlock?

Lestrade: Didn’t expect to get a text from this group so late at night! Not the usual! Especially considering Sherlock once told us to go to sleep to protect our fragile sleep schedules.

Anyway, haven’t seen him. What’s the matter now?

John: We were in the middle of a… kind of dangerous situation. A people-pointing-guns-at-us kind of situation, which Sherlock usually loves, though this time it was a bit rough. We had to run off in opposite directions, but I have no idea where he might be now.

Lestrade: Sherlock wasn’t joking about the case being not-so-boring. Can I help?

John: Actually, if you could come here and help me look for him...

I’m kind of worried.

Molly: I have!

John: What?

Lestrade: What?

Molly: I have seen Sherlock!

John: Oh thank God.

Molly: He’s been here, uncovering dead bodies while I ran after him trying to tell him to calm down.

Lestrade: Sounds like him.

John: When you say “he’s been here”, you mean he left?

Molly: Well… As he would say, “obviously”.

I hope he’s safe. He left around two minutes ago, actually, so he should be in the area.

John: Thank you, Molly! That’s where I’m headed then.

Lestrade: Hey, John, I’m on my way too. Meet me outside the hospital.

Molly: Can I help you guys? My shift is almost over.

Lestrade: You’re working until really late tonight!

Molly: Oh, you have no idea how tired I am.

John: Molly, maybe stay there, in case he goes back.

Molly: I don’t think he will. He looked like he had found what he was after.

John: Did he?

Molly: He stopped to look at a body in particular. Wait, I’m going to check who he was.

Anyway, he stopped there, examined the body for a few, very intense seconds, and burst out the door mumbling about a removed tattoo.

Alright. The dead man in question: Daniel Reer.

John: Molly, I would kiss you if I could.

Molly: Good thing you can’t! Glad to have helped.

Lestrade: Savage, Molls.

Anyway, can’t keep texting – gonna be driving.

...

John: Sherlock, if you at some point read all these texts – don’t be an idiot and call.

Knowing you, you’re probably not even in danger, just torturing me.

Us.

Chapter Text

Friday morning, but only technically, because the damn sun hasn't even come out

Molly: Any news? 

I’m sitting at home... Can't really sleep,

No news at all?

Lestrade: You and John are both so worried for Sherlock, I’m worried it’s contagious. I’m sure he’s fine, let’s all calm down.

Molly: So you mean, there’s no news about him?

John: We’ve only just found the tattoo removal place

Molly: Oh? The one where our dead guy Daniel Reer got his tattoo removed, I assume?

Lestrade: That’s right. We’re pretty sure this is the one, the hint Sherlock is after too. Looks like he’s ahead of us, though

Molly: Not surprising… He’s always ahead of everybody.

Lestrade: Say that again. Maybe complimenting him will trigger his show-off radar and he’ll show up.

Molly: Hahaha. Hey, Sherlock? You’re really intelligent. Your deductions are incredible. We’re all so impressed by them!

Well, I won’t be any more of a bother. I’ll try to sleep now. Good luck, and take care!

Lestrade: Don’t be silly, you’re not a bother. Just go to sleep and don’t worry.

Molly: I’ll try.

Thanks for being so nice

Lestrade: That's nothing to thank anybody for, I don't think.

Actually Friday morning, now.

Sherlock: John. 

All the money I had on me got stolen, pick me up on a cab.

Molly: Sherlock!

Sherlock: Just sent my location.

Lestrade: Son of a… We’ve spent all night looking for you. We’re going different ways at this point. I don't even know where John is, probably risking his safety for you.

Sherlock: Oh don't be dramatic.

Lestrade: Seriously! He spent all night running around... despite the state of his leg.

Molly: You worried the three of us!

Sherlock: Sorry about that. I was a bit tied up, quite literally.

Molly: Oh?

Lestrade: Literally tied up?

No funny picture of that? Hope John posts it online too.

Sherlock: Maybe you should’ve come, you know, with your camera. Unfortunately, you two weren't there.

John: SHERLOCK!!!

Sherlock: Oh! Picking me up then, right?

John: Son

Of

A

Sherlock: Lestrade couldn’t finish the sentence, I don’t think you’ll be able to either.

Also, Mycroft would think horribly of you insulting our parents, if he had been online at all within the last 10 hours.

John: Son of a... saint. That’s what you must be. How could your poor parents stand you?

Sherlock: Can anybody tell me what I’ve done now? Not my fault I was kidnapped!

John: Wait, were you really?

Sherlock: Of course yes!

Molly: So when you say tied up you mean...

Lestrade: Really kidnapped?

Molly: Literally kidnapped?

Sherlock: Of course. What have I done in the past to not be worthy of your trust?

…

John, Lestrade and Molly are typing...

Sherlock: Alright. Yes. I do recall a couple of incidents now.

So, John. Picking me up, then?

John: Sure. Are you okay, though?

Sherlock: Don’t worry about me. It’s a waste of time.

…

Molly: I almost forgot something really important!

Lestrade: What?

Molly: Good morning!

Lestrade: Oh, good morning, Molly!

John: Good morning.

Sherlock: Good morning.

…

Molly: Sherlock, did John take your phone forcibly? You can tell us.

John: I couldn't have, I’m not even in the cab yet!

Lestrade: What a day. Sherlock gets kidnapped, and then this happens.

John: I’m honestly dumbfounded too.

Sherlock: … I must admit it was stupid to assume I could assimilate seamlessly into the rest of you.

Molly: Sherlock Holmes saying “good morning” back…

Lestrade: You think we haven’t all taken screenshots already?

John: Oh, I haven’t. Thanks for reminding me.

Lestrade: Quick, he could delete the message.

Molly: I think, personally, that he felt compelled to wish us a good morning because he really missed our lovely little group chat while he was gone.

Lestrade: I support your theory

Sherlock: Yes, Molly. That's right. While I was kidnapped I missed this group chat more than I missed... food or water.

John: Firstly, don’t act like you ever eat or drink at a normal human’s pace.

Secondly, you were kidnapped for nothing but a few hours, Jesus.

What a drama queen.

Sherlock: Detective Inspector Lestrade, don’t you agree that saying this kind of thing to the victim of a crime is inappropriate and may trigger a trauma as a form of response, if there isn’t a case of trauma already?

Lestrade: Remind me not to let you get kidnapped again. It makes you really moody.

Sherlock: Oh come on, “let me get kidnapped”? As if my safety depended on you. You couldn’t stop a kidnapping if it was taking place right in front of you.

Lestrade: Try me.

Sherlock: Want me to invite you to my next kidnapping?

Lestrade: Please, I’ll make room in my schedule.

Molly: No morning is a normal morning in here.

Lestrade: Don’t you love it?

…

Looks like the boys are offline.

Don’t you have to go to work, Molly?

Molly: Why? Do you want me to leave that badly? Haha

Lestrade: Of course not! That came out the wrong way.

It's the opposite. You're really nice, and the only person who makes this group chat bearable.

(Sorry, John).

Molly: Well, to answer your question, I’m free today. Can’t imagine having to spend the morning at the morgue after the long shift last night…

Lestrade: Oh, right. That’s great!

And you know, actually…

Molly: Yes?

Lestrade: I’m free right now too

And I can’t believe I’ve never asked before, but

Fancy a coffee?

Molly: Oh!

Lestrade: Meaning…?

Molly: Meaning we should move this to a one on one chat?

Lestrade: Sounds good

Molly: :)

Sherlock: Seriously, Lestrade?

Lestrade: What?

Sherlock: Sending Donovan  and the others because you’re too busy on your coffee date with Molly?

Lestrade: It’s my free time! I can do what I want, can I not?

Sherlock: But Donovan, really?

John: You do know she’s spent all this time looking over your shoulder to try and figure out what you are doing on the phone.

Sherlock: She’s looking right now.

:)

John: She’s suspicious because she thinks Sherlock faked his own kidnapping, you see.

Lestrade: Bahahaha! I’m not even surprised

Molly: And she thinks he’s texting about it?

John: Knowing Sherlock, he would be.

Sherlock: I am.

I am texting about my fake kidnapping, which I faked, and was very fake.

John: I wish you two could have seen Sally’s face just now.

Lestrade: Send pictures

John: You want me to die, don’t you, Greg?

...

Sherlock: Are you still on that coffee date, Lestrade?

Lestrade: My last message was literally 2 minutes ago! What do you think?

Sherlock: Boring. What could you two be possibly talking about?

Lestrade: Not much if you keep spamming us with texts.

Don’t YOU have like, really long dinner dates with John?

John: They’re not dates.

Sherlock: Those are different.

Lestrade: How so?

Sherlock: ... We have things to talk about.

Molly: And Greg and I don’t?

Sherlock: God’s sake, stop saying that name, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

And no. You can only talk about me for so long.

Lestrade: It’s just my name!!

Molly: I’m not even saying it aloud…

Sherlock: That is only proof of its power to unsettle me, even when merely written on a screen.

Molly: Wait, you think Lestrade and I only ever talk about you?

Lestrade: Molls, are you calling me by my last name just to please him?

Molly: Greg*

Sherlock: What else would you talk about?

Lestrade: Oh God 

Sherlock: Boredddddd.

Interrogation is over. I'm home. Scotland Yard is presumably doing their jobs right now, but who knows.

John is somewhere. Probably on a date. I don’t really know, I wasn’t paying attention.

Lestrade: Another date already?

Sherlock: He was flirting with a woman at the police station earlier.

Lestrade: So you were paying attention to that.

Sherlock: Yes, I tuned out shortly after.

John: Actually, yes, I’m on a date. Any problem with that?

Lestrade: What’s her name, lady killer?

John: Diane, and now if you’ll excuse me…

Sherlock: Diane.

You do know she's a lesbian, right?

John: Sherlock, DON'T START.

Lestrade: Hahaha

Sherlock: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Diane, Diane, Diane.

Molly: Good evening guys! Now home ready to relax… TGIF!

Sherlock: “TGIF”, really? 

If I see or hear anyone else say that again, I WILL find the gun Mrs. Hudson hid from me and I WILL SHOOT the wall.

Lestrade: TGIF 

Molly: Sherlock, you really don’t have to hate everything, you know?

Sherlock: I don’t hate everything, just the very stupid things. Not my fault they take up 80% of the universe.

Lestrade: You are in no authority to talk about the universe, mate, you don't even know whether the Sun orbits around the Earth or the other way around.

Sherlock: At least I don’t have to stand hearing someone loudly spell out each letter in TGIF.

Molly: No one does that.

Sherlock: Molly.

Molly: What?

Sherlock: They do.

Molly: Really?

Sherlock: Yes, Molly.

Molly: They spell it out?

Sherlock: I’m sorry.

Molly: God.

Lestrade: I spell it out!

Molly: What??

Lestrade: *audio message*

Molly: Greg…

Lestrade: Now he has to hear me spell it out, hahaha

Sherlock: *audio message*

John: SHERLOCK HOLMES, was that a gun being cocked? 

Goddammit, you found it

You are NOT going to SHOOT THE WALL AGAIN

Sherlock: DIANE

John: What?

Molly: What?

Lestrade: What?

Sherlock: No need to worry about it. I’m THINKING.

Lestrade: So you’re not bored anymore! Good.

Molly: No shooting the wall. John, you can have a peaceful date now.

John: I’m not entirely sure that can ever happen as long as this man is my flatmate. Why do I live with him again?

Sherlock: Several reasons. I have a list, actually. Do you want it, as a reminder?

John: Talk to you all later.

Lestrade: Good luck, John.

...

Molly: The atmosphere in here feels different without the back and forth teasing between Sherlock and Mycroft.

Lestrade: I miss how Mycroft used to show up every time you would mention him, like he had been lurking all along and just couldn't resist being the centre of attention.

That was probably the case.

Molly: Hey Greg, you don’t… actually spell out the letters of TGIF in real life, do you?

Lestrade: Haha, if you don't like it, then no.

Molly: Hmmm… don't know if I can ever see past that.

Lestrade: I'll make it up to you, Molls.

Molly: How? Maybe by paying the next coffee?

Lestrade: You are the one who wanted to pay for both coffees

Molly: That was just so you’d have the chance to invite me next time.

Lestrade: Ah. You know I can’t resist being the gentleman.

Sherlock: It’s saying a lot, but that was the most uncomfortable I've ever felt while witnessing flirting.

Lestrade: That's what I think every time I have to see you and John in person, yet it's never the most uncomfortable I can feel. It's always outdone the next day.

Sherlock: Tell me about it. John literally flirted with a crying lesbian at the police station today.

Molly: She was crying?

John: She's not a lesbian!

Lestrade: I wasn't talking about John’s flirting but yours, Sherlock.

Sherlock: John, weren't you on your date with Diane?

John: Who does Sherlock flirt with?

And yes, I am, but I keep getting distracted by someone .

Molly: Sherlock? He flirts with death at most.

Lestrade: Oh Molly, you have no idea. I mean, you’re not wrong, but… if you saw what I see

Sherlock: So you’re on your happy little date but you show up every time you are being mentioned?

Lestrade: Oh look, just like your brother, Sherlock!

Sherlock: It’s been more than 24 hours since he last was online.

Lestrade: Ah, your brother? Wow Molly, you really scared him off

Molly: Well that wasn’t my intention! I was just speaking my mind.

Lestrade: It’s good to speak your mind, no need to worry

John: It’s not that, Sherlock. It’s that I have to keep checking my phone for messages from you, because it could be that you want to share the fascinating nature of the dust particles in the room with me or that you are literally being held at gunpoint. One never bloody knows.

Sherlock: The delay in your response indicates that you are in fact trying your best to enjoy your date without interruption. That’s adorable.

...

Ah, there he is. Offline. Enjoying his pretend date.

Yes, she was crying.

Molly: The lesbian?

I mean, sorry. John’s date?

Sherlock: Yes. She was crying back in the police station. The police had just told her her girlfriend had been found dead.

Molly: What??

Lestrade: You are saying this so John will come online again and get cross, aren’t you?

Molly: Why would she say yes to a date with John if her girlfriend had just died, Sherlock, for God’s sake. Some people are not sociopaths.

Sherlock: And some people are.

Wait.

JOHN

Molly: What, what’s going on?

Sherlock: He’s ignoring all his texts now, isn’t he? 

He does that.

JOHN

I AM BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT JOHN

Lestrade: Sherlock, what’s the matter now?

Sherlock: RUBBER DUCK

Molly: I don’t understand anything.

Sherlock: RUBBER DUCK!

Lestrade: It’s one of their codewords.

Molly: What does it mean?

Sherlock: R U B B E R

Lestrade: Not sure. Something about danger.

Sherlock: D U C K

Lestrade: I think it’s like the “vatican cameos” one except John doesn’t like this one. So naturally Sherlock says every chance he gets.

Sherlock: No. They're different.

But also, yes. You're right.

Now shut up. 

John

Jooooohnnn

R

u

b

b

e

r

d 

u

John: What on EARTH do you want, Sherlock?? Never heard the story about the girl who cried wolf?

Sherlock: I’m not crying wolf, I’m crying rubber duck, what’s your ex’s last name?

John: Sherlock, really? This. This is what you wanted from me.

Sherlock: Lena. Her last name. Tell me.

Lestrade: The cat killer?

John: Lena’s last name. God. I don’t know.

Lestrade: You forget about your girlfriends really fast, huh?

John: Shut up. Lena Rider, maybe?

Sherlock: Oh.

No. No, that can’t be.

But I HAVE to be right.

Lestrade: “But I HAVE to be right” -Sherlock Holmes’ motto.

Molly: No doubt, haha

John: Can I go back to my date yet?

Sherlock: Lena! She had a middle name! She did, didn’t she?

John: Uh, I know she did. I read the initial somewhere

Sherlock: Yes, me too, the stupid card she forgot on the flat.

Now tell me, was that initial an E? Lena E. Rider? I’m almost sure, but I wasn’t paying enough attention.

John: Oh, yeah, right. Yes. She told me once her middle name was Elizabeth.

I told her it was cute.

Anything else, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Stupid, stupid, stupid Sherlock.

John: Yes, we all know that. Nothing else then?

Sherlock: Lena E. Rider.

What is Diane’s last name?

John: I don’t know. What, want me to ask her, maybe?

Sherlock: No, don’t. That would be too dangerous.

John: I was joking, Sherlock. I wasn’t going to ask my date her last name out of the blue just because you want me to.

She’s in the toilet btw. I’m warning you, the moment she comes back, this conversation is over.

Sherlock: You have to flee.

Leave, quickly. Don’t let her see you. This is a perfect chance.

John: Sherlock. Are you out of your mind?

Lestrade: Ok so we all know he is, John, but do as he’s telling you. Seriously. 

John: If you know something, JUST TELL ME, SHERLOCK. Stop doing this.

Sherlock: No time. Just go.

John: Are you serious about this?

Sherlock: Yes.

John.

Come on.

John: Fine. Leaving.

She was still in the toilet. I’m outside. Looking for a cab.

Sherlock: Okay. Good.

Molly: Ok… so that’s two times John has been in danger while on a date since this group chat was created... and it hasn’t even been a week.

Sherlock: It was all SO. OBVIOUS. So painfully obvious! But of course, I’ve been distracted today.

Lestrade: Distracted by what?

Sherlock: Mycroft.

Lestrade: The guy who got so embarrassed about Molly’s speech that he just closed the chat and never opened it again?

Sherlock: Well, you definitely give yourselves too much credit.

My brother may be incredibly prideful, but since Molly’s speech, there have been so many opportunities to interrupt the chat to make fun of someone that he hasn’t taken advantage of, that it’s ridiculous. That’s just fishy.

So. I’ve been worried about him.

Lestrade: You mean, worried for real?

Molly: I’m terribly lost. Sherlock, can you just tell us what’s going on?

What’s the matter with the lesbian?

Sorry, John’s date. Diane.

Sherlock: It was so obvious she was a lesbian, she was basically waving a rainbow flag right before my eyes. She knew John hadn’t heard the news she was given by the police about her girlfriend but I had, and she knew John wouldn’t notice but I would. She was telling me . And then there’s the way she looked at John. Or the way she didn’t look at John.

John: Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

Sherlock: It means she wasn't attracted to you, John, get over it. Yet she agreed to the date. Why? She was basically screaming “I’m gay” at me while batting her eyelashes at John, that was a message for me. Just like the card Lena forgot in our flat, and Daniel Reer’s removed tattoo, amongst other things. All very obvious messages.

Molly: What does Daniel Reer have to do with John’s girlfriends?

Lestrade: I thought that case was pretty much over, right?

Sherlock: I was kidnapped last night, of course it isn’t over.

Lestrade: Well, well, if Mycroft was here, he would tell you you’re getting slow.

Sherlock: Mycroft isn’t here because he has been kidnapped too.

Molly: What???

John: Wait, really?

Lestrade: Now you’re just making fun of us.

Sherlock: I’m serious.

John: The hell do you mean kidnapped?

Sherlock: Kidnapped. Or something like it.

Lestrade: Let's all calm down. Sherlock, your brother can't have been kidnapped. He's... the British Government.

Sherlock: Okay, so then something like it.

Mycroft: Hello, Mr. Holmes.

Dinner?

Chapter Text

John: ???

Is this really happening right now?

Sherlock?

Molly: What? What’s happening?

Sherlock: The Woman is happening.

Lestrade: The woman. What woman? Why are you talking like you only know one woman?

The woman as in John’s blog post that’s titled “The Woman”? As in Irene Adler?

Sherlock: God, you're truly a fan of his blog.

John: Sherlock.

Why has Irene Adler kidnapped your brother?

Mycroft: What a funny man John Watson is. She hasn’t kidnapped anyone.

Lestrade: Is this still Mycroft?

John: Don’t think so.

Sherlock, how is she here?

How many times can someone come back from the dead?

I mean... I didn't mean come back from the dead.

Sherlock: Well done, John. If Mycroft were here, he’d be disappointed on you. You're terribly bad at keeping someone's “death” a secret and she wasn’t even really dead; let’s hope he doesn’t decide to trust you with an actual death.

Before you ask, yes, I knew that Mycroft asked you to decide between telling me The Woman was dead and telling me she was under witness protection and, also, yes, that you mention is, coming back from the dead twice does sound excessive.

John: Okay.

Alright.

Of course. Of course you know everything. Do you know why she's here, too?

Mycroft: He’s not that clever. Are you, Mr. Holmes?

…

That’s what I thought.

Sherlock. Can I call you Sherlock now? We’re basically friends, at this point.

Sherlock, you have a lovely little picture of your little doctor here, it’s adorable. You know, Sherlock, I’ve been reading the chat. Just a little. It’s very fun.

Let’s get to the point. Don’t leave me hanging this time. Let's have dinner.

Sherlock: No. Tell me what you want.

Mycroft: Just told you. I want dinner.

Sherlock: There are some really cheap takeout options out there.

Mycroft: You went on a dinner date with John Watson, why not say yes to me? Oh, and now that you mention it, I want a candlelit table, too.

Sherlock: I didn’t mention it.

John: It wasn’t a date.

Mycroft: Awh, I really missed you two.

Sherlock: What did you want to attract my attention for?

Mycroft: Just for fun. Even I get bored.

Sherlock: Right, and that’s all.

Mycroft: Of course not. But don’t worry, we’ll talk about it over dinner.

...

Don’t worry, Sherlock. If you say no to dinner I can do to you what you did to John: make you. You hid his laptop. What a funny coincidence, I can play the same game.

Time to be a good detective. Look for what you’ve lost, and when you can’t find it, you’ll know where to look for it.

And don’t bring Johnny unless he’s coming with lovely Diane - I’m all for double dates. They can get so fun and messy.

Until then, Sherlock, take care. xx

Mycroft has left this group chat.

Lestrade: Ok so that definitely wasn’t Mycroft.

Unless he wants to have a double date with you three that becomes “fun and messy”?

Molly: Hi, yes, sorry. Wasn’t Irene Adler the dead woman that Sherlock recognized by not-her-face?

Sherlock: Well, Molly, clearly not. I recognized a dead woman who happened to share her measurements, amongst other physical characteristics.

Molly: OK. Great.

Nice.

Am I the only one who has no idea what’s happening?

Lestrade: I have less of a clue than it seems. The trick is to just go along with it.

John: Okay, Sherlock. Since you knew what Mycroft told me all along and etcetera, tell me, how is she alive?

…

Not answering that?

Okay, then... what is it? The thing you’ve lost.

Sherlock.

Talking to you.

Sherlock: I don’t know, is that what you wanted me to say? Will you just give me some TIME TO LOOK?

…

John: I’m sorry.

On my way home, I’ll help you.

Lestrade: Anyone want to tell me if I should be alarmed that a crime has been, is being or is going to be committed?

Sherlock: Lena E. Rider, Daniel Reer. Want to guess what those two names have in common?

Lestrade: No, not really in the mood.

...

You're not going to explain it, are you?

John: Don’t wait for him to do it.

Lestrade: But he’s saying that this woman, she’s related to both your ex-girlfriend and the case that got Sherlock kidnapped? How?

Molly: They are made up of the same letters. That’s it, right?

I mean the names

John: Oh.

Yeah, that’s it. Of course… They’re anagrams of “Irene Adler”.

Lestrade: Why do shady people like anagrams so much?

Let me see if I follow, John. Irene Adler sends a psychopath, whose fake name is an anagram of hers, to seduce you, as a message to Sherlock, who she knew would deduce that she is a psychopath or whatever…

By the way, Molly, you’re a genius, just wanted to say that.

John: To “seduce” me, Lestrade, really?

Lestrade: Well I’m willing to bet it wasn’t you doing the seducing, was it?

Molly: Thanks, Greg :)

John: Nobody seduced anybody. I don’t think.

Lestrade: And she also sends the not-so-boring case in your direction, which involves a dead man whose fake name is also an anagram of her name, and which gets Sherlock briefly kidnapped and both of you in danger, and which, by the way, none of you has really explained yet.

John: I will if there is time.

Molly: And she also sends Diane

Lestrade: Right, John's new potential girlfriend, the lesbian whose obvious sexuality is apparently another message to Sherlock.

John: God, I think I’m going to stay off the dating scene for a while.

Molly: And I think her name must also be an anagram, or part of one, because “Diane” uses some letters from Irene Adler’s name.

Lestrade: That’s why Sherlock wanted to know what her last name was!

John: Why is it that you two make a better… crime-solving duo than Sherlock and I?

Lestrade: And we make a better couple too.

Molly: A crime-solving duo. Is that what Sherlock and you are? Cute. It has a ring to it

Sherlock: They do not make a better one.

Lestrade: A better crime-solving duo or a better couple?

John: Sherlock. Thought you weren’t reading these anymore. I’m almost home.

Listen up, happy couple.

Lestrade: Oh, nice, that’s Molly and I.

John: No. I meant Mycroft and his kidnapper.

Molly: We’re not really a couple couple… Yet?

John: Just listen. I’ll explain the case. The not-so-boring case.

Molly: Good, finally

John: As you know, a man was waiting for Sherlock. When I went downstairs I failed to see how Sherlock didn’t find him boring, there wasn’t anything special about him. He immediately started talking about a stalker, though. A man with a weird tattoo on his forehead who’d been watching his daughter, Emma, for weeks now, and sending her messages that looked like death threats. Proper creepy stuff. The client thought he belonged to a cult and the tattoo was its symbol.

Here is what Sherlock found not-so-boring about him: the man was dressed up, suit and all, and didn’t really look like the kind of person who would have ever gotten a tattoo right on his forehead, but, well, Sherlock could tell he had removed one that was exactly there. And I didn’t even notice there was something odd about his forehead, of course.

Lestrade: So he was also a part of the gang, or cult, or whatever the hell it was, that was after his daughter and trying to pose as an innocent civilian?

John: Something like that. I asked Sherlock what he thought of the possibility that it might have been a coincidence. He said the universe is rarely so lazy.

Lestrade: The man got his tattoo removed just for this reason? That’s dedication.

John: No, Sherlock reckons there must be another reason he removed his tattoo some time before this case even started, but that’s isn’t important right now.

Things got more interesting when we went ask his “daughter” a few questions, starting with some about her father, and found out her father had been dead for 6 years.

Molly: Huh?

John: Yeah, so not the man we had met.

The “daughter” also led us to the hint that led us to another hint that landed us in the wolf’s den. Do you recall my mentioning a people-pointing-guns-at-us kind of situation?

Lestrade: How could we forget.

John: Well, that was that.

While the... cult people were trying to kill us, they let us know the original culprit of all the stalking, a.k.a. Daniel Reer, was now dead. I should’ve supposed Sherlock would run off to the morgue to look for him but honestly, they said... many things to us and I was pretty scared for both our lives, so I didn’t really think of that.

Most of them had the same creepy forehead tattoos. Really made the threatening atmosphere... more threatening.

Molly: Ok, but why would a member of the gang expose another?

John: We’re not really sure yet. My cab is nearing Baker Street. Will keep the two of you posted.

Molly: OK! Take care, both of you

Lestrade: Just so you know Scotland Yard will be informed of all of this at some point. Sherlock would say we’re just interfering or whatever, but I don’t care. I think there have been enough people-pointing-guns-at-you situations for a week, don’t you?

Molly: You’re doing the right thing. You take care, too.

Lestrade: Oh, don’t worry about me, just doing my job. Hey, as Mycroft implied, it consists mostly of eating donuts anyway, right?

Molly: Oh come on, don’t say that. Don’t make me give you a speech again.

John: God, not again.

Molly: Hey... My speech wasn’t that bad.

John: No, Molly, not talking about that.

I’ve just walked in and the living room’s a mess. And… yeah, so is the kitchen.

Lestrade: Isn’t that just how it is on the regular?

John: I think this idiot has found, or not found, whatever Adler took from him and left for “dinner” all on his own.

Molly: Oh. Idiot...

Lestrade: I sort of expected that.

John: Well, I didn't. He doesn't do cases solo. Anymore.

Sherlock.

If you see this, I honestly don’t think the double date is such a bad idea, just let me go with you.

Lestrade: Hope it doesn’t get very “messy”

John: Lestrade…

Lestrade: Just “fun”

John: Please shut up.

Wait, no, he’s still here.

I think, anyway. I think he’s messing everything up in my room upstairs, I can hear him.

Molly: Go quickly before he does something stupid.

John: Easier said than done. He does stupid things at an incredible speed.

Molly: True.

John: He’s just standing there. In my room which, by the way, looks like there has been a robbery. But yeah, just standing there. I’m a bit worried he might be in catatonic shock.

Lestrade: Poke him with a stick.

Molly: I just pictured John poking him and Sherlock just dropping to the floor as straight as a plank.

Lestrade: Also, falling on his face. It just makes the mental image funnier.

…

…

…

John: Okay, so we’re leaving for dinner, I suppose.

Molly: You too?

Lestrade: Double date then?

John: Yes. Not much time to explain. Later.

Lestrade: Have fun I guess, but what was it that Sherlock had lost?

Where are you meeting?

John, seriously. Wild idea but maybe you two shouldn’t trust a woman who sent a psychopath and a criminal as “messages”? Tell us where you’re meeting and we’ll have your back.

I don’t know why I bother saying anything.

Molly: So are they just going to pick Diane up and go to a nice restaurant all together?

Lestrade: Maybe.

You don't happen to have Mycroft’s number, do you?

Molly: And you don't? He was in this group chat with us

Lestrade: So you have it.

Molly: I add every number of someone who is in a group chat with me, so yeah I have it.

Lestrade: I prefer to keep unnecessary filth out of my contacts list.

Molly: Oh wow, that’s harsh.

Lestrade: Add him back, then.

Molly: Do you want to interrogate “The Woman” over text? I don't think she'll talk to you. I think she just wanted to... ask Sherlock out I guess, and mess with him a little

Lestrade: Yeah, I know, but just add him back.

Her. Whatever.

Molly: Alrighty

Mycroft has joined this group chat.

Lestrade: Welcome.

...

Just so you know, it's not very polite to not reply.

Mycroft: Some people are busy, D.I.

If you don't have anything valuable to say to me, don't waste my time.

So then?

Lestrade: So then what? What kind of valuable information could you possibly get from me?

Mycroft: Well, for instance, where my brother is, you halfwit. Mind you, I'm looking for him as well.

Molly: Mycroft!

Lestrade: Oh, it's you

Mycroft: Yes, of course it’s me. Adler stopped caring about me and my phone after she got the conversation she wanted with Sherlock.

Lestrade: Not kidnapped then?

Mycroft: Absolutely not. How easy do you think it is to kidnap me?

Lestrade: About as easy as it is to take your phone?

...

Mycroft: You are not informed of the actual situation.

Lestrade: Then inform us, Holmes.

Mycroft: As I said, if you don't have valuable information for me, I am wasting my time. Goodbye.

Lestrade: You mean to tell me you know nothing about your brother? Nothing at all?

Mycroft: I know he has met Irene Adler for… dinner.

Lestrade: Yeah. Nothing at all then. You have the same information we have.

Molly: We may even have more, if he doesn't know John and Diane are with them.

Mycroft: Who is Diane?

Lestrade: Oh boy.

Mycroft: Are you two just trying to “make fun” of me? Perhaps you got the wrong impression that you were cleverer than me, Molly Hooper, when you went on your pathetic rant about caring about people ?

Molly: My point went over your head, obviously - I don’t care about being more intelligent than you at all. Also, this doesn’t really matter, right now. It’s Sherlock and John who matter.

Diane is John's most recent girlfriend, sent by Irene Adler to watch him and Sherlock. Or something.

Lestrade: So you haven't read any past messages on this group chat at all. Hard to believe you weren't being kidnapped.

Mycroft: Well, believe it.

Truthfully, yes, Adler… blackmailed me. And kept my phone for a while. Actually, it goes in the opposite order. She took my phone, then blackmailed me regarding the information that was in it. Of course, she did not find any really important information, but I let her believe it was relevant enough to let myself be blackmailed for the sake of avoiding her digging further.

Lestrade: Sure thing.

Mycroft: Don’t make me laugh... You don't believe me?

Lestrade: If I didn’t, you wouldn’t care, would you?

What’s this whole business really about? Why is Adler doing this?

Mycroft: Information is powerful. You needn’t know more.

Lestrade: Ok, whatever.

You don't happen to have any ideas of what… object Adler could have taken away from Sherlock? Something that convinced him to have dinner with her.

Molly: It's also something that must have given him a hint of where to meet her, right? That's what she said: “when you can't find it, you'll know where to look for it”.

Mycroft: Taken away from him when? For God’s sake, is my brother not careful at all anymore? I'm getting a headache...

Molly: I'm guessing it was taken by Lena, at some point.

Lestrade: Of course, Lena. Sherlock let us know she had been in their flat by mentioning the card she “forgot” there with her name on it.

Mycroft: Lena as in John’s psychopathic ex-girlfriend?

Lestrade: Yes, that Lena. She was sent by Irene Adler too. Try to keep up, Holmes.

Anyway, she must've stolen something from Sherlock when she was still dating John.

Molly: Something Irene Adler told her to steal.

Lestrade: Must've been something important, then, right? Information about a case or something.

Mycroft: Where?

Lestrade: What? Where what?

Why are the Holmes so cryptic.

Mycroft: Where, where was the object Lena stole?

Molly: In John's room, right? That's where Sherlock was looking before he and John left.

Mycroft: *sends location*

Lestrade: Woah. What?

Northumberland St.? Is that where they're meeting?

Mycroft: Of course it is. Try to keep up, Detective Inspector.

Molly: That was fast! just as fast as Sherlock would've deduced it!

Mycroft: Don’t insult me, miss Hooper.

Lestrade: How on Earth did you know?

Alright, on my way. But tell me anyway, I know you're dying to show off.

Mycroft: That's my brother you're talking about.

Lestrade: Both of you are so lacking in self-awareness, it’s almost cute.

Mycroft: Ha, ha, ha.

It was the cane.

Molly: What cane?

Mycroft: John Watson’s cane. Surely you two recall his mentioning he didn’t know where it was, so he had to get a pair of crutches for his leg. He also mentioned it should be in his room - of course it was, until his adorable, brand new girlfriend stole it.

Molly: Ooooh, I knew it was odd that the cane was gone... Wait. That’s what she stole?

Mycroft: Goodness gracious, do you two really need me to fill in the blanks?

Lestrade: If you would be so kind.

Molly: Imagine that being said to you with an intensely bitter expression, Holmes.

Lestrade: Exactly, thank you Molls.

Mycroft: I will give you the benefit of the doubt - you may not know this. There is a perfect place to have dinner that happens to be linked to John’s cane: the restaurant in which he forgot it. You know, right before happily running off after a taxi with my brother, the first restaurant where Sherlock and him had dinner, that is the hint Adler left for him, blah, blah, surely I don’t need to keep over explaining myself, right?

Lestrade: You definitely have cameras.

Molly: Yeah, knowing where Sherlock and John first had dinner together… Bit creepy.

Mycroft: Send your complaints to Irene Adler - she has less of a reason to know that.

Lestrade: You’ve got a point, I’ll give you that. Why would a cane be valuable enough for Sherlock to want it back so bad?

Mycroft: Maybe he did want dinner after all. Maybe he did not need much of an excuse to go.

Maybe he hid extremely important documents filled with government secrets inside the cane through, perhaps, a small puncture he made on the handle.

Molly: That’s so strangely specific but he would 100% do it.

Mycroft: Or, when all else fails. Maybe my brother is truly becoming as sensitive as I feared. Maybe the object simply holds some type of sentimental value to him. Or it's a “Oh, no one shall steal anything from John Watson, I will bravely recover it” kind of thing.

I would bet for it being a curious mix of all three possibilities. In any case, let’s pray his recklessness isn’t his demise.

Lestrade: Don’t worry about it, he has always been a reckless git and he hasn’t died a single time yet.

Mycroft: But doesn't he keep you in suspense?

Lestrade: Constantly.

Molly: … Me, too.

Chapter Text

Saturday... again, only technically. Which means it's very late and these people need to sleep

Lestrade: How funny would it be if you were wrong, Mycroft, and there was nobody in the restaurant?

Mycroft: Not very, and highly improbable. Your sense of humour is to be pitied, D.I.

Molly: You know Greg, I feel like we’re both being Mycroft right now. Making sure Sherlock's alright by watching him.

Lestrade: Oh, no. We’re becoming creepy government officials?

I would say “now Sherlock’s gonna hate us”, but he already does. Or he seems to, most of the time.

Mycroft: Yet we still care about him.

And what we do, we do for him. And he doesn’t understand. 

Don't you two understand some things, now?

…

...

...

Lestrade: OK, we’re getting close to the restaurant.

Mycroft: I hope you're not texting while driving.

Lestrade: I'm not the driver, but it's funny that you seem concerned about me.

Mycroft: I’m concerned about the safety of the pedestrians of London. Run over by a member of NSY, imagine that.

...

Lestrade: Ok, we’re parked here, I can see Sherlock through the window. And I suppose that's John.

Yeah that’s John

They're sitting opposite two women.

The seating arrangement looks like it's a different type of double date haha.

I mean, like as if Irene and Diane are a couple and Sherlock and John are WAIT, one of the women is standing up. Diane I reckon, she's the one right opposite John.

Oh look, there are candles on the table.

Mycroft: Lestrade, for God's sake, focus on the matter at hand, will you?

Molly: Wasn't that the kind of double date this was from the beginning??

Mycroft: Move and go find out what they are talking about, you won’t accomplish much if you just sit in the car for the entirety of the dinner.

Lestrade: Alright

Hey, I know this guy

Molly: Who?

Lestrade: The owner of the restaurant. I think… wait

Yeah that’s him. Sherlock once proved to us that he was stealing a car at the moment of two murders that we thought he was guilty of. Hah.

Mycroft: What did we say about focusing?

Lestrade: Ok, mummy, understood.

Mycroft: Oh, shut up.

Lestrade: Ok, I’m in a... hiding position that is quite pathetic for a man my age but I can hear and see them from here.

Mycroft: Thank God I don't have to do this kind of work.

Molly: It sounds like what you do is just watch everything from a comfortable chair, right?

Mycroft: Some can afford the privilege.

Lestrade: The woman is smiling quite smugly at Sherlock. She’s just asked “Are you hungry?”.

Molly: Oh, I was expecting them to delve into villainous speeches sooner.

Mycroft: I recommend you shut up now, Molly Hooper.

Molly: I recommend you ignore my texts if they bother you so much, Mycroft Holmes.

Lestrade: Don’t even try it, Mycroft.

Sherlock’s basically just said that her sight has made him even less hungry than he was. That’s way more villainous than what she said.

“Yet, we are having dinner. You are not hungry and we are having dinner. Should I feel like I have accomplished something?”

“No”.

Molly: Ouch.

Lestrade: Sherlock is definitely the villain in this scenario.

Diane coming back. Oh, she's bringing John’s cane.

John has muttered a “thank you”.

Irene continues to look solely and intensely at Sherlock.

“Will you take up my case, detective?”

“Depends. Is a cane all you had in your power to convince me to take up your case?”

“You came back for it, though”.

A deafening silence.

Hm, doesn’t look like there were important documents hidden inside the cane, Mycroft.

Mycroft: If there were, I wouldn’t trust her to realize that.

Lestrade: Yeah, though she doesn’t strike me as an “idiot”. I mean I know you two consider everyone an idiot, but really. Don't be so arrogant.

I didn’t hear some of the conversation but

this is Sherlock again: “Very nice, all your little messages for me”. He’s tapping his fingers on the table.

Molly: Knowing him, it could be morse.

Lestrade: Irene certainly seems pleased with herself, she does a little smile and turns to John. “Does doctor Watson agree? He has been so quiet since you got here”.

This is John: “Oh, certainly very nice, using me for that, taking advantage of -”

“Of how easy it is for you to fall in love with the first pretty woman you see?”

Woah, Irene. She’s right though.

Molly: She is.

Mycroft: She is.

Lestrade: (Diane looks like she’s been given a compliment, which I mean... yeah, she’s been called pretty)

“Don’t worry”, Irene again, “the same thing happens to me”.

“Some men are easy to fall in love with, too”

Looks at Sherlock, then at John again. John looks at Sherlock too. Just stopped looking, as though it hurts.

Irene looks at them both. Diane gives weird looks to John and Sherlock. Everyone’s looking at everyone right now. What a staring contest.

“Boring!” Bet you can guess who said that

“Entertain me. I’m bored and not hungry. There is something more, isn’t there? Something other than the cane. The cane is an entertaining little puzzle piece, for sure, gets boring fast though, so tell me, any exciting bribery for me to surrender to so that I can then finally take up your little case?”

God help me he speaks so fast

“So you’re dying to surrender to me, is what you’re saying? I did tell you you’d grow to have a knack for begging for mercy, we might be getting there”.

Molly: Woah, what??

Lestrade: “Oh, fuck’s sake” That was John. He kind of whispered, but if I could hear him I’m sure everyone on that table could too

I feel like I shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. I mean, it’s obvious I shouldn’t, I knew that, but now it’s just a primal feeling of discomfort.

Molly: Same

Lestrade: Sherlock replies “I still have never begged for mercy in my life. You’re not very loyal to your promises”

Irene widens her eyes and smiles in a… way.

“Are you flirting?”

“No, don’t get excited. Bribery, yes or no?”

“Oh, if you insist”

She’s turned to Diane and gestured for her to do something.

Molly: So she does have important information, then.

Lestrade: Diane whips out a phone, and smiles at Irene like a lesbian would, so I suppose Sherlock was right about that. “I do have something quite fun in here”.

Molly: Like a lesbian would… Oh my god Greg.

Mycroft: What is that even... For God's sake.

Lestrade: Phone noises.

Mycroft: Phone noises?

Lestrade: Well, you know, phone noises. Phones make little noises when you open and close apps and all that kind of stuff.

Mycroft: Alright, whatever.

Lestrade: Diane’s looked up from the phone and winked at John.

“Don’t wink at me”. He’s angry , guys.

Diane kind of laughs and says to John “It’s not your fault our first date didn’t go quite so well. It’s his”, she’s gesturing at Sherlock. “But we can try again, though”

“Aren’t you a lesbian?”

“Got me there. But aren’t you straight?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

And that’s another period of deafening silence. Diane’s ignoring him and making some more phone noises.

“No, seriously, what the hell are you implying?” Give it up, John.

Diane’s showing something to Irene on the phone. She’s just said “here it is”

This is Irene talking to Sherlock: “I don’t know if you’re informed, but I had some fun with your brother recently -” Oooh, Mycroft, what’s that about? Like a begging for mercy kind of fun?

Mycroft: Don’t.

Lestrade: “- and I happened to find some interesting things on his phone. Compromising things. I don’t think the poor man knows… yet”.

She’s literally said ‘poor man’, haha

“You can look at it for yourself, take your time”.

She’s handed Sherlock the phone.

Mycroft?

Anything to say?

Mycroft: It’s a bluff.

Lestrade: Then why would she show the information to him?

Irene is getting impatient

“Come on, you can read faster than that, give it back to me. No peeking, doctor Watson, you wouldn’t understand”. Well that’s just rude. “Convinced, then?”

Sherlock is just... quiet.

Molly: Well, that’s alarming coming from him.

Lestrade: It is.

“I’ll take your case”.

Molly: Oh.

Lestrade: Irene is beaming.

“Wonderful. You can tell your brother that he hasn’t been very careful, and you can tell your friend hiding there, the inspec” oh. Well. Shite.

Molly: Greg?

Greg??

Offline, great. I hope he's OK

…

Nothing to say, Holmes?

...

Mycroft: Not to you, or anyone here.

…

Molly: OK. If anyone sees this, I’m going to sleep, and whoever it is that sees this, take care and... don’t do stupid stuff.

Chapter Text

It's properly Saturday this time.

Molly: Good morning! Anyone alive?

Lestrade: Good morning, Molls. You were worried about me? 

John: Good morning. There have been better mornings, but I can’t complain. My back is a bit sore from sleeping on the couch, but.

Lestrade: Did Sherlock tell you to sleep on the couch like he’s your wife?

John: What? No. I just fell asleep there, I was tired.

Why, that’s what your wife used to tell you to do?

Lestrade: Hey, don’t be so insensitive about my divorce.

John: Last week you were happily joking about it over some drinks. And you hadn’t even drunk anything yet.

Lestrade: Alright, that’s fair.

Molly: Good thing you two are alive. Are the Holmes brothers alive too? And yes, I was a bit worried. Just a bit

John: I don’t really know if Mycroft is alive, but the sad violin music coming from Sherlock’s room leads me to think he is.

He’s playing that damn song again.

Molly: What song?

John: He wrote it, when he thought Irene was dead. The first time, I mean. Mrs. Hudson would know what I'm talking about.

Mycroft: Oh. My brother wrote a song for her?

John: I guess so. 

But "for her" sounds so... 

Mycroft: Romantic? 

John: Yeah. 

Lestrade: Now that we're not worried about any potential danger, Mycroft's presence has reminded me that I was meaning to finally add him to my contacts. Mostly in case he gets kidnapped again.

Mycroft: I did not get kidnapped. Do you mean to tell me I was not among your contacts? 

Lestrade: No

Molly: Oh, right, Mycroft didn't see your text about the... filth.

Lestrade: Molly, shush!

Mycroft: We have been in contact for six years, D.I.

Lestrade: Yeah, when I got the occasional cryptic text or mysterious call from an unsaved phone number I just assumed it was you and I never felt the need to add you

Molly: You guys have been in contact for 6 years?

Lestrade: Yeah, since I met Sherlock.

Molly: Wait, you've known Sherlock for that long?? 

Lestrade: Yeah, can't believe it either, but apparently human beings can even get used to torture if it's long-term.

John: Let me guess, Greg. Shortly after you met Sherlock, you were threatened to get into a black car that stopped right by you, which took you to a very dramatic meeting with Mycroft.

Lestrade: Hahahaha, exactly! 

Molly: Well, that sounds very much like him.

Mycroft: My methods proved effective a long time ago. 

John: Or: if it ain't broken, don't fix it.

Lestrade: Mycroft, I hope you'll be glad to know you're now in my phone as "Myke Holmes".

Mycroft:  What? 

Change that name immediately. 

Lestrade: Hahaha what are you going to do, send snipers to take me out? 

John: Don't give him ideas. 

Oh, good, Sherlock's stopped playing the damn song.

Molly: OK, but you guys are just distracting me from the fact that you haven't really told me what happened last night.

Lestrade: Irene Adler realized I was spying her. It was embarrassing.

John: Pretty bad first experience of a double date, don’t think I’ll be doing one ever again.

Lestrade: Oh bummer, I was already planning one with Molly, Sherlock and you.

John: Otherwise, there’s not much to explain that Lestrade hasn’t already live texted to you and Mycroft.

Sherlock: Cross with him, aren’t you?

John: Excuse me?

Molly: Oh, hi, Sherlock.

Sherlock: You only call Lestrade by his last name when you’re cross about something he’s said. Every other time, you use that hideous name.

John: That’s... not true.

Sherlock: Of course it is. Go through all the texts in which you’ve referred to him as “Lestrade” if you want to find out by yourself.

…

…

...

Molly: Oh, yeah, it’s true.

John: Okay, maybe.

Lestrade: Why would you be cross with me? Because I “live texted” your little double date? Molly and Mycroft wanted to know what was going on!

And I didn’t even find out much, I still don’t know what the matter is with the case Irene Adler wanted Sherlock to take up

Sherlock: Some very bad men are after her, all very sad, wants us to help. The rest is nothing that concerns you for now.

Lestrade: Oh, come on. You’re like your brother, when he was saying “You needn’t know more”. Who says "needn't", anyway? 

You know John, your readers are starved for new cases lately.

John: If we can tell you anything it is that we won’t be able to disclose anything about this case. You know, the forehead tattoo gang.

Sherlock: Yes, and I trust a certain detective inspector won’t tell Scotland Yard a word of the little information he has about it.

Lestrade: What? Why?

John: Irene is working with them, the creepy cult. For protection, she says.

Sherlock: And that renders them untouchable for now, or else the information she got from my very careful brother will be disclosed to the public as well, and it’ll do much more harm.

Lestrade: Much more harm? To who?

Sherlock: To England.

And it’s whom*, by the way.

Molly: Well, wow.

John: Yeah, Molly, I think the same.

Lestrade: It’s great to know you two are involved in dodgy business you won’t allow me to look into.

Sherlock: Look who’s cross now.

Lestrade: I’m not. You two can do what you want, just don’t ask me for help if you’re operating outside the law.

Sherlock: “Operating outside the law”, what boring wording.

Lestrade: Ah, yes, exactly the kind of thing a “consulting detective”, Solver of Crimes, should say. You should put that phrase on your website.

Well, anyway… Going to work. Have a nice day all of you.

Molly: You too, Greg, good luck at work.

I’m not working today, fortunately, so I’m meeting some friends in a while! Lucky me, haha

Lestrade: Nice! Have fun. Want to meet for coffee again later when you’re free?

Molly: Sure :)

Sherlock: You have friends?

Molly: Excuse me?

Sherlock: I didn’t think you did much in your free time other than eat sandwiches for dinner.

John: Sherlock!

Sherlock: How am I being rude now? She said it herself! Practically stated that her life was miserable.

Molly: You know what, I’m just gonna go get ready to go out.

John: Uh, have fun, Molly.

Molly: Thanks.

…

John: Oh, and there’s the sad violin music again. Sherlock, stop sulking.

…

John: Sherlock.

SHERLOCK.

Sherlock: I am NOT sulking.

John: No, it’s not that.

It’s just... a little question that occurred to me when I went upstairs.

What the bloody hell is Irene Adler doing asleep in my bed?

Sherlock: I would say she’s sleeping.

John: Aaaand she’s NAKED. She’s not only asleep in my bed, she’s also naked.

Sherlock: Well, that’s good news for you. Don’t you like that sort of thing?

John: “That sort of thing”??

Sherlock: Talk to her about that one, though. I wasn’t the one who got her naked.

John: You know? If you had, I don’t even know if I’d be surprised anymore.

Sherlock: What?

John: Whatever, I’m going out. She better not be naked in my room anymore when I get back.

Or in your room.

Not that I would check your room to see if she’s naked there, but she better not be naked at all.

Sherlock: Where are you going?

I’ll stop playing the violin if that’s what bothers you so much.

Maybe you prefer one of the songs you like?

John, what did you expect? I wasn’t going to let her sleep in my room. I sleep there.

I tried to explain her that last night and she didn’t seem to see the contradiction in the concurrence of those two events.

Took me a while to convince her to sleep in your room.

John.

Mycroft: Lovely conversation. A bit more pathetic than usual, just to spice things up.

Sherlock: Oh, brother. Back from brooding over having allowed Irene Adler access to government secrets?

They would have been safer in John’s cane, you know.

...

You have more brooding to do! Good, that’s what I thought.

 Greg's phone.

“Molls”.

Status: Online.

Greg: Hey, so about that coffee?

Maybe we should make it a meal, it’s nearing lunch time and I’m equal parts hungry and looking forward to seeing you

Molls: You really are a flirt haha

Lunch then! At that restaurant you mentioned yesterday?

Greg: You read my mind, Molly Hooper!

Molls: It’s my superpower ;)

Greg: In an hour?

Molls: In an hour!

Greg: Talking to you really lifts my mood, have I told you that?

Molls: :) Are you in a bad mood?

Greg: Not really, just mildly concerned about Sherlock and John’s very secret shenanigans. I shouldn't be, but you know.

I mean, if anything really bad happens to them I’ll be one of the first people to know. Sherlock did say he’d invite me to his next kidnapping after all.

Molls: Oh well, isn’t that Sherlock’s kind of thing? Being very private about his… stuff?

Greg: It’s just… They text me when they need the police to be on their side for a second, then they run off and get into guns-pointing-at-them kind of situations and tell me to “not tell Scotland Yard” anything I know, as if I haven’t already.

Molls: You have?

Greg: You remember what I said? Right before John found Sherlock in his room and they disappeared to go on that double date? I said I’d inform Scotland Yard of this, no matter what Sherlock thought of it

Molls: And I said you’d be doing the right thing.

Greg: And do you still think so?

Molls: Of course I do :)

Greg: Had to warn my colleagues to keep quiet about the tattoo gang. When I said it was because infamous Sherlock Holmes told me to, a room full of people rolled their eyes.

Molls: I can imagine. But you guys are actually investigating this, aren’t you?

Greg: As carefully as we can.

Molls: That's good... In case you need repeating, you are doing the right thing.

Greg: See what I said about lifting my mood?

Molls: :)

Greg: :)

“BORED”.

Sherlock: Great. I have been terribly bored ever since we came back from Baskerville, and now that I've got a case, I start getting actually interesting requests. All sorts of interesting criminals, hints regarding a mysteriously lost painting, a kidnapping. And there's not even a single man emailing me about how he thinks he's being cheated on. It's like the quality of every crime has increased all of a sudden. 

Molls: That's how you rank crimes, by their "quality"?

Sherlock: Well, yes. I actually have a scale from one to ten. And all of these cases are above a seven. I'll have to try to solve them all at once... Somehow.

So, Molly.

Molls: Yes?

Sherlock: How were your friends?

Molls: Actually we spent a very fun morning together, thanks for asking.

Sherlock: Good.

That’s good.

Greg: Wow, I still get surprised when you're this nice.

Is John still out?

Sherlock: Yes. That's an irrelevant question, but yes.

Myke: Sherlock’s being unnecessarily polite to people so John will see and feel compelled to come back home, where Sherlock can feel less lonely when talking about dust particles.

Sherlock: Listen, first of all, the dust particles in the room are not particularly interesting right now. I mostly want him for the case.

...

Myke: And?

Sherlock: What do you mean “and”?

Myke: You said “first of all”, what follows?

Sherlock: Oh, I don't know. Got distracted. Was thinking.

...

Someone give me something to do.

Greg: Huh?

Sherlock: Something to do. You can reread the message I sent, Lestrade, it’s not that hard.

Greg: Weren't you busy? Taking care of your secret case, thinking, all that Sherlock stuff?

Sherlock: Something to do outside.

Greg: I don't know, mate, want me to invite you over for lunch?

Sherlock: Ew. Mycroft?

Myke: We see each other often enough, brother mine, I don't need another Christmas dinner type of encounter. And I'm actually busy.

Greg: Why do you want something to do outside ?

Sherlock: Irene has woken up. I can tell by the very noisy springs in John's bed. They seriously get on my nerves.

Molls: Oh, I'd forgotten she was sleeping in your flat…

Greg: Naked, too. Don’t forget that.

Myke: Are you that scared of her?

Sherlock: I'm not scared .

Myke: Alarmed, then?

Sherlock: Why would I be alarmed?

Myke: She's naked.

Sherlock: What do you say you’re having for lunch, Lestrade?

Greg: I was joking about that, I'm actually having lunch with Molly today.

Molls: Yes he is! :)

Sherlock: Haven't answered my question, what are you having for lunch?

Greg: Sherlock, mate. It's kind of a thing between the two of us, Molly and I.

Sherlock: Ew. John?

Greg: Hahaha, you're not going to make him come back that way

Johnny: You can come join me, I actually think I've found out something relevant to the tattoo gang case.

Greg: John, come on, you could at least have waited a little so I didn't sound so stupid.

Johnny: Sorry, Greg.

Sherlock: Look at that, even John likes proving you wrong.

You've been investigating? Not just running around London, looking for women to flirt with?

Johnny: Like I said recently, I'm going to refrain from dating for a while, all my girlfriends happen to not really like me and have been sent to me with malicious intent these days.

Sherlock: Great.

Johnny: If that's the word you want to use to describe it...

Sent you my location.

Molls: John, next time try checking suspicious ways the letters of their names can be arranged in!

Sherlock: That won't work, since that trick has already been used this once the next morally dubious person who attempts to manipulate John or get to me through him will use a different one.

Molls: I was just joking, but it concerns me a lot that you assume it’s going to happen again.

Johnny: I wish I wasn’t so used to it that it doesn't even concern me anymore.

Sherlock: Being in a certain degree of danger of some sort at all times is stimulating for your brain, though.

Molls: I suddenly understand a loooot of things about your life choices.

Myke: It's sad that you need to engage in reckless, idiotic behaviour to exercise your mind, brother.

Sherlock: It's sad that your don't ever exercise yours. Or exercise, at all. You're getting old fast, haven't you noticed?

You all bore me. Later.

Johnny: But you're coming, right?

Sherlock: Of course yes.

Since we're at it, could we look into the lost painting case as well, John? 

Johnny: You ask me for "permission" now?... Sure, I suppose so.

Sherlock: :)

Greg: Molls, want me to pick you up?

Molls: Sure! 

Greg: :)

Myke: Lately, you all chat too much. I swear it makes the days feel longer. Shut up, please.

...

...

...

Johnny: Hey Sherlock, what did you tell Mrs. Hudson about Irene?

Sherlock: Nothing at all. Why?

Johnny: She's just called me crying.

Sherlock: What has Irene done to her?!

Johnny: ?? Nothing!

She called to tell me that “your new lover” is walking around the flat naked.

Sherlock: Oh. Well. I was ready to get considerably angry.

Why was she crying?

Johnny: Because she thinks we've broken up.

Sherlock: Oh, well, tell her we haven't.

Johnny: Sherlock!

Don't you dare insinuate we’re a couple in this group chat, you know how Lestrade is!

Greg: Hahahahaha

Sherlock: Your fault for bringing this up in the group chat, out here in the open. Your phrasing was awfully convenient, too.

Greg: He said it here because he was willing to publicly shame you for telling Mrs. Hudson that Adler is “your lover”.

Sherlock: Ah, that makes sense.

Greg: Poor Mrs. Hudson, though. Please tell her you haven't broken up. I'm worried about her being upset.

John's phone.

“Mrs. Hudson”.

Status: Online.

Mrs. Hudson: John!!!

John go back to the call right this moment!

John: Mrs. Hudson! I had no idea you knew how to use this app at all.

Mrs. Hudson: I don’t!!!

John: You are using it though.

Mrs. Hudson: No, I’m not! Don’t change the topic, John Watson, is poor Sherlock all right??

John: Why wouldn’t he be??

Mrs. Hudson: Well you must have broken his heart enough for him to get with a woman!

...

John: Jesus Christ, Mrs. Hudson.

First of all… I don’t know what to say first of all.

Oh, wait, I do, WE’RE NOT A COUPLE.

Mrs. Hudson: Well, not anymore, evidently… And not with that attitude.

John: Second of all, Irene is not his lover, or at least let’s hope she isn’t. She’s a client. My apologies for her walking naked around the flat, I assure you none of us wanted that to happen and it WON’T happen again. Or she’ll have to get a hotel room or something.

WE WERE NEVER A COUPLE!

Mrs. Hudson: The clients Sherlock attracts get weirder every time, I’ve been telling you two.

John: Third of all, why the hell would I be the one who broke Sherlock’s heart? He’s the one who is… or would be… hypothetically dating Irene.

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, because, you know how Sherlock is.

John: I really don’t.

Mrs. Hudson: Well, you know how fragile he is.

John: We must not be talking about the same Sherlock.

Mrs. Hudson: It's good Sherlock is so observant, because you can be really blind...

John: I don't think anyone can break Sherlock's heart.

I thought Irene had, for a while, but I don't think it's like that.

Mrs. Hudson: The woman? Why would you think she broke his heart?

John: Look, I’m terribly sorry, Mrs. Hudson, but Sherlock and I are on a case, he’s about to get here, actually.

But, by the way, if Irene keeps walking around naked, feel free to kick her out for all I care.

Mrs. Hudson: You’re on a case?? So Sherlock and you are on good terms!!

John: Mrs. Hudson.

Listen.

Nothing’s happened. Nothing ever happened. Everything’s good and no one has broken up with anyone. (Or broken anyone's heart).

We’ll see you this evening. Can you make sure the dinner is ready?

Mrs. Hudson: I’m your landlady, not your housekeeper!

What to do with you two… If it weren’t for me, Sherlock would be ordering junk food every night, wouldn’t he?

John: Or he’d forget to eat.

Mrs. Hudson: Don’t act like you wouldn’t be ordering junk food, too...

I suppose dinner might be ready this evening, but don’t expect anything!

John: Thank you.

Mrs. Hudson: You better come back to Baker Street safe and sound! I mean both of you!

John: We will, don’t worry. Lovely emoji.

Mrs. Hudson: Lovely what??

John: Forget about it. Thanks again, really.

Sherlock's phones

(because he's got more than one, who knows whose phone he has stolen to send mysterious messages this time).

[Unsaved number].

Status: -

Sherlock: Good night, you murdered your fianceé’s sister and your alibi is ridiculously fake. If you look in the third drawer, you’ll find that I have confiscated your train ticket. The police doesn’t know yet, though. SH.

“BORED”.

Mycroft: Has any of you got anything new to report on your boring lives? It has been a longer amount of hours since the last message than you chatterboxes are used to.

Lestrade: Well, this is a first.

Mycroft: What is?

Lestrade: It’s the first time you’ve asked us about our lives! It’s almost like you’re finally revealing that you care about that instead of pretending to hate this group chat! It’s endearing, almost.

Mycroft: Don’t be ridiculous. Why would I care about your lives?

John: Too late, Mycroft, you’ve exposed yourself.

Mycroft: Really, doctor, you too?

Molly: It is almost endearing…

Mycroft: Oh shut up, all of you. This has been a mistake.

Sherlock: Your life lately has been an interesting series of mistakes.

Lestrade: Oh, WOW.

Mycroft: You are going to bring that topic up again, seriously?

John: What topic?

Sherlock: Why yes, I am. I’d say it’s pretty recent; I found out yesterday.

John: What??

Sherlock: John, we’re talking about the fact that he gave away government secrets to Irene Adler for free.

Mycroft: We have talked about this, Sherlock.

Sherlock: And I’ve told you what I think.

John: Wait, you’ve talked about that? When?

Mycroft: Are you really that utterly unaware of your surroundings, doctor Watson?

Sherlock: Mycroft, shut up about John.

…

Mycroft: No news to report, then.

Lestrade: Well, my day has been pretty great, in case you care, Holmes. (And don’t say “I don’t”, thanks).

Molly: Mine too.

It’s partly because both our days have collided, I guess, Greg.

Lestrade: :)

John: Sherlock and I have made progress with the case. And apparently, we're now also looking for that lost painting, the Falls of Reichenbach. And also apparently, starting Monday I’ll be back to working my regular shifts at the hospital.

Sherlock: I told you to pretend to still have a limp. Just don’t forget that you shouldn’t be able to run after a cab and you’ll be fine.

John: Yeah, you did, you told me that. But seriously, I’ll pass. I’m not as good a liar as you.

Your impression today was brilliant, by the way.

Sherlock: Well, thank you.

Molly: Oooh, his impression of what/who?

John: You’ll have to wait for my blog post to know, Molly. If I ever get to write it.

[Unsaved number].

Status: Online.

??: what the fuck do you want from me?

Sherlock: The man was disappointed by the sexual services he was offered. The woman ran off with both the box and the money. The man is going to meet someone tonight. He's looking for revenge. Obviously. I want names, a time and a place.

??: the woman is Irene Adler, i don’t know the bloke’s name, if I did id tell you, I swear, but he goes by a codename like the rest of us, they call him The Duck

Sherlock: Like the rest of… who?

??: like the rest of us, the rest of people who collaborate here in England

in London at least, I don’t really know about the rest of England

their meeting at a restaurant with an Italian name but I don’t remember what name. At 21:30

Sherlock: They’re*

So you don’t remember what name.

??: man, I’m telling the truth, I don’t speak fucking Italian, alright? but they wanted it to be far away from the safe house they told me

Sherlock: Fantastic, I’ve got it. Thank you for your feeble help.

??: not telling the police, are you?

man, im getting married in 2 weeks, don’t do this to me, aight?

Sherlock: I’m not telling the police for now, but I certainly recommend you don’t murder anyone else during your stag night. Especially not the bride’s relatives. I’ve heard it’s a tad disrespectful.

“BORED”.

Lestrade: Good news! Not for everyone though, just for me. For the first time in a long while, I’m not working tomorrow. Thank god for Sunday.

Molly: Oh, that's great!

Sherlock: Stop thanking God for the passing of time in a logical succession.

John: Good for you, Greg. And good thing it’s Sunday tomorrow, yeah. Does anyone else feel as though these last few days have been abnormally long?

Lestrade: Absolutely.

Molly: Me too.

Sherlock: … Well, yes.

Mycroft: Very long, and all of you make it worse.

John: We’re all on the same boat, then.

Lestrade: This group chat is a big boat we’re all on.

Molly: What a weird sentence.

Hey, by the way - tomorrow it will have been a week since Sherlock made the group chat.

John: Oh… It will.

Lestrade: Ooh, happy weekiversary to this group chat, should we celebrate it over drinks tomorrow? Haha

Mycroft: The word “weekiversary” is a merciless crime towards both English and Latin and you should be ashamed.

Lestrade: Well, then, you’re not invited to the drinks

Sherlock: It’s been nearly a week since the creation of this group and I’m still just as bored, wonderful.

John: Sherlock, you say you’re bored every day, the minute we get home from… literally solving crimes. Today you said you were almost feeling overwhelmed by the amount of cases you have, and now you're bored! How can your lifestyle not excite you enough?

Sherlock: Our lifestyle excites you enough because your mind doesn’t have much room for excitement, but I assure you I’m starved of it. And speaking of starvation, want to go out for dinner?

John: We’ve just had dinner.

Sherlock: I know.

John: Are you really disrespecting Mrs. Hudson’s food like that?

Sherlock: Oh no no no, it was delicious, but now we’ll be having dinner outside .

John: How can you still be hungry?

Sherlock: Who said I’m hungry? Stop texting and take your coat.

Lestrade: Sherlock wants something to do outside , specifically. That rings a bell.

John: Is that what this is about, avoiding Irene?

Sherlock: Maybe.

Molly: What is so bad about Irene? 

Mycroft: Are you legitimately asking that? 

Molly: OK, besides the fact she walks around naked and collaborates with criminals.

John: Well, you never know why Sherlock does anything or feels a particular way about anyone, but I think what's wrong is that she keeps flirting with Sherlock. At Sherlock.

Molly: Is that his life now? Just Irene Adler walking around naked flirting with him?

Lestrade: Sounds like a lot of fun.

Sherlock: It's not.

John: Fine then, Sherlock. Dinner. But no more Japanese food.

Sherlock: Don’t worry, we’re going to the Italian in the next street over. There’s going to be someone interesting around there in around five minutes.

John: Oh, is that what this is about?

Molly: What is “that”?

John: Just something related to the case.

Sherlock: No it’s not, I also feel like having dinner with you, now will you stop texting and take your coat?, we’ll be late.

Molly: You two take no breaks, do you?

Lestrade: Sherlock come on, let John sleep, he has work to do on Monday.

Molly: Don’t know about John, but I’m going to sleep. Good night to everyone!

Lestrade: Good night, Molls!

And seriously, all of you - I’m considering having those drinks, let me know what you think tomorrow.

Mycroft: Judging by your constant dates these days, I’d say you’ve already taken enough breaks from your job on Scotland Yard.

Lestrade: As I said, not working tomorrow. Also, I've been on two dates. Two. Not my fault you don't ever go out, but for most, that's a normal amount.

You’re just bitter that you’re not invited to the drinks, aren’t you?

Mycroft: Absolutely not.

Lestrade: You know what, I’ll even invite you too, to see if you loosen up and stop being so grumpy.

Mycroft: Absolutely not , thank you and please.

Lestrade: Alright. You said it, not me.

Chapter Text

Weekiversary Sunday!

Molly: Good morning!!

Lestrade: Good morning!

John: Good morning, guys.

Sherlock: Oh, Molly. Two exclamation marks. Excited?

Lestrade: Maybe she’s excited about the weekiversary drinks. (Mycroft, don’t dare say a word)

John: You’re serious about that, eh?

Lestrade: Sure, if you guys are up for it

Molly: I am!

John: Me too, if Sherlock doesn’t suddenly decide we have to go to another Italian restaurant to spy on someone.

Yesterday we had to order food twice because the blokes we were watching were having a really long conversation.

Sherlock: Most of it irrelevant. It was very irritating.

John: The food was good, though. I nearly threw up because of how much I’d eaten but it was good.

Lestrade: Well, I’m making you two come and take your minds off Adler’s case.

John: I'd be thankful.

Sherlock: That’s ridiculous. It’s impossible to just “take your mind off” something.

Lestrade: Maybe to you.

Molly: He’s Sherlock, what do we expect?

Sherlock: Are you guys seriously telling me you are simply capable of… doing an activity and forgetting about another, different activity or thought in the process?

Lestrade: Yes

Molly: Temporarily but yes

John: Yeah.

Sherlock: That... can’t be true.

Lestrade: Oh it is. Especially if you get drunk enough.

Sherlock: That is what you lot want, to get drunk?

Molly: Oh, no, no way, not tonight. It’s a Sunday, Greg, don’t go crazy.

Lestrade: But if we could we would, right? 

John: Maybe another day, ha.

Sherlock: And would you legitimately consider that fun? 

Lestrade: Yeah, I guess?

Sherlock: Really?

John: God, Sherlock, I need to get you drunk someday. 

Sherlock: You “need to”?

Lestrade: Wow, John

Molly: Wouldn't that be fun?

Sherlock: “Fun”... 

Mycroft, help me out here. I never ask you for anything. Give me some words of comfort.

Mycroft: Doctor Watson, D.I. Lestrade and Molly Hooper, the three of you are deeply, almost unsettlingly strange at times.

Sherlock: Thank you, brother.

Lestrade: You’re one to talk, British Government.

John: Aaaand Mycroft saves the day.

Mycroft: I often do.

Sherlock: Except when you inadvertently give out government secrets to people like Irene Adler.

Mycroft: I’m leaving now. Too busy for this.

Lestrade: What a funny brother relationship you two have.

Molly: Yeah. “Mycroft, give me some words of comfort and then get out, you gave government secrets away”.

Sherlock: I don’t see the contradiction.

...

Lestrade: So, where are we meeting for the drinks?

John: I’m sure Sherlock knows someplace good. Seeing as he has the London A-Z memorized.

Lestrade: If the restaurants where you two have your dates are any good, then I trust him

John: They’re NOT DATES.

They’re really good, though.

Molly: Hahahaha

Lestrade: What do you say Sherlock?

Sherlock: I’m too busy to care where you all go get drunk.

Molly: I insist, we’re not really getting drunk, it’s a Sunday

John: What do you mean “you all”, you aren’t coming?

Lestrade: Sherlock, I told you I’m making you come and I wasn’t kidding.

John: Also, speaking of being busy. What are you so busy with? ‘Cause all I told you was to go downstairs to ask Mrs. Hudson something and it’s been ten minutes.

Lestrade: You told Sherlock to do that and he actually went do it? Fishy, you should’ve suspected something.

Sherlock: Ah, yes, got distracted. Just text her. I saw you texting her yesterday, so don’t say she doesn’t know how to text. You were going to say that.

And no I’m not going, you all have your fun.

John: How could you have seen me texting her? First time I texted her you weren’t there yet. And then the second time, when she sent me the good night text full of emojis, you were busy “arguing” with Irene about the aesthetic of the skull on the mantelpiece.

Lestrade: Never thought I’d be so amused by these glimpses into the life of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. And Irene Adler. Apparently.

Molly: Oh, the domesticity of having a woman stay over at your flat because you’re solving a case for her.

Lestrade: As a result of her extortion, for which she used government secrets.

Molly: That she stole from your brother.

Sherlock: I can multitask, John, and don’t act like you don’t know his name is Billy.

Lestrade: Whose name?

John: The skull, Greg. The skull on the mantelpiece.

Molly: Sorry to interrupt, but Sherlock, it would be nice if you had those drinks with us. Last time I saw you, you were running about uncovering dead bodies and you barely said one word to me. Wouldn’t do you any harm to… just… hang out, be social, you know?

Sherlock: Actually, it would do me a considerable amount of psychological harm.

John: Don't listen to him, he's just being dramatic.

Sherlock: I’m BUSY.

John: If you’ve found anything new about any of the cases we’re doing and that’s why you’re busy... you know I will go with you, right? 

Lestrade: Now both of you want to sneak off, huh? No, no, no. If I wanted to just have some drinks with Molly I would have texted her privately.

Molly: Yes. He would have :)

Mycroft: That would be three dates on a row, D.I., and surely that isn’t normal even for boring people.

Oh, sorry, I meant “for most” people, like you phrased it.

Lestrade: Look at the guy who said he’s busy.

John: Sherlock and Mycroft are the same - selectively busy any time they don’t like where a conversation is going.

Molly: Exactly!

Mycroft: That’s not true.

Sherlock: That’s not true in this case.

Lestrade: You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

Sherlock: Fine. I have in fact found something relevant to the case. But it’s nothing you should leave the house for, John, so don’t. I don’t like leaving Irene to her own devices for too long, with Mrs. Hudson downstairs and all that. She might get naked again.

John: Oh, so I’m here to babysit Irene.

Sherlock: Ah, John, you always have the right words.

Molly: Where does she sleep?

John: Sorry?

Molly: Irene Adler. If it isn’t too personal, haha

John: Well, it seems like we’ve got a rotating system, because she slept in my bed the first time and in Sherlock’s bed last night.

Lestrade: Oooh, Sherlock, anything you want to tell us? ;)

Sherlock: Sorry?

Lestrade: You know. About you and Adler. ;) ;)

Molly: Oh my God, was the winky face necessary

John: She didn’t sleep WITH Sherlock, Lestrade, for God’s sake.

Sherlock: Cross with him...

John: Huh?

Sherlock: But yes, she slept in my bed. I slept on the kitchen table. Briefly, and accidentally. My intention was to stay up all night.

John: Oh, yeah. I saw him there in the kitchen when I went downstairs this morning, you should’ve seen him. Sitting completely still on the chair, face smashed against his microscope. I thought he was dead for a second.

Sherlock: John!

Lestrade: Hahahaha, what, don’t like him sharing such scandalous details?

I was joking about Irene and Sherlock though, I feel like it'd be more likely of Sherlock to share John's bed with him while Irene is sleeping in his

Molly: Sherlock, at least sleep on the sofa! That mustn’t be good for your back. Or your... face.

Sherlock: Bah. Stop distracting me, I’m supposed to be busy.

John: Just a question, Sherlock, how did you manage to “find something relevant to the case” during the trip from here to Mrs. Hudson’s? It’s just... a flight of stairs.

Sherlock: Oh, when I was already downstairs I saw the window out of the corner of my eye and spotted a passerby whose beard reminded me of the waiter at the Italian restaurant, which suddenly made everything make sense as I finally picked up on a couple of important details from the conversation we heard yesterday between those two men, and now I’m on my way to an abandoned warehouse.

Molly: Wow.

John: What? How? What was the matter with his beard?

Sherlock: Sorry, John, I’ll explain it all to you later. I’ve nearly got run over by a truck just now.

John: Sherlock, Jesus Christ. I’ve told you not to text while running around London.

Molly: Sherlock! Be careful! 

You guys, leave a message on this chat when you're not busy anymore (and your lives are no longer at risk) and we can talk about those drinks.

Lestrade: Yeah! And I’m warning you two, lovebirds, this is a group event, you’re coming.

I’ll even un-uninvite Mycroft again, for the sake of community bonds.

Mycroft: Shall I remind you it was me who declined the invitation last time we discussed this?

Lestrade: Don’t worry, it’s all forgotten, mate.

Mycroft: Oh, for God’s sake.

Brother, do me a favour and don’t die run over by any vehicle while on your way to an abandoned warehouse. That death wouldn’t do you justice. At least... Jump from a building dramatically. Orchestrate your own death. I don’t know, something.

John: Truly an adorable way of showing your concern for him.

Mycroft: Yours was too, doctor Watson.

John’s phone.

“Sherlock”.

Status: -

John: Sherlock.

I don’t know much about the hint you’re going after, but turn back. I’ve been doing some research and...

*sends address*

I think you should be quick. They’re going to be meeting there, but I don’t know how long before they leave.

“BORED”.

John: So you’ve all agreed on drinks, then?

Greg: Yeah - I mean, when Sherlock decides he’s tired of rummaging around warehouses. But you’ve agreed on drinks too, right?

John: Sherlock, Sherlock… He never does get tired of that sort of thing, does he? It’s his version of excitement.

Greg: … I would say it's yours too.

John: Yes, that sounds right.

And why isn’t the older Holmes brother up for drinks too?

Greg: Uh... I’ve "known Mycroft" for six years, but you know, the extent of our relationship was creepy texts and that kind of thing, so... I feel like you know him way better than I do.

John: Don’t be so sure, Lestrade. The Holmes are two huge mysteries.

Mycroft.: And you are an even bigger mystery, Adler.

Greg: Wait, this is Irene Adler?

John: Awh, you never let me have fun, Holmes.

Ah! Look. That’s something you have in common with your brother. Except… when he lets me.

Mycroft.: That’s what you’re doing here? Having fun?

John: This confinement is so boring, always in the company of nice little John, wearing his nice little jumpers, sitting waiting for Sherlock to come home.

Greg: Yeah, looks like this is Irene Adler. I knew there was something weird about John's texting. Right.

John: Hi there, Detective Inspector! I’m sure you did. I was charmed to meet you the other day, but I must admit I prefer just “detectives”.

Greg: I can see that.

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

Sherlock: On my way. Since when do you do so much “research”?

You’re not going to explain yourself further?

...

Okay, I get it. Fine. No texting while running around London.

“BORED”.

Mycroft.: If you’re so bored of your “confinement”, then, by all means, go outside and let yourself be found by those who are after you.

John: “Those who are after you”. Very vague terms.

You don’t know anything about it, do you? Your little brother has told you nothing about that, neither has his partner, and that frustrates you.

Mycroft.: One who is a bit sharp and possesses enough information does not need to be told anything most of the time.

Particularly, to recognize such a quaint little group of criminals.

John: Oh, really?

Mycroft.: Bulgarians, are they? I have been to Sofia… perhaps twice. I suppose you have explored it in more depth, of course. As well as its people.

John: Ah, the Holmes. The man who knows things and the man who deduces things. Always fighting to determine which one is the best advantage to have in the end... But I don’t like to take sides.

Mycroft.: Are you sure you don’t?

John: When I take sides, I take mine.

Molly: What’s going on…?

Greg: Irene Adler and Mycroft Holmes, having their version of a fun chat

John: Oh! I don’t think we’ve met, Molly, but I’m sure I would be charmed, too.

Ah, I hear the rightful owner of this phone looking for it upstairs, I’m afraid soon will be the time to say goodbye.

Molly: Thank you.

Greg: Huh?

Molly: For what she said…

Greg: About being charmed to meet you?

Molly: Yes

Mycroft.: God, Hooper. Sometimes it’s like you people have never heard of not saying every single thing that crosses your mind.

John: I like her, actually.

I like you, Molly Hooper. You’ve been far more polite than anybody else I’ve talked to in the last week.

Then again, begging for mercy in a certain, professional context doesn’t really count as politeness…

In the last month, then.

Molly: Oh. Alrighty.

Greg: So... just out of curiosity, Adler...

John: Yes?

Greg: What exactly is your opinion on the skull on the mantelpiece?

John: I don't like it as decoration, but it seems to be a good enough John substitute. Now, when John is gone, Sherlock talks to it instead of me. 

Its contributions to the conversation are certainly just as valuable as John's. 

My guess is that Sherlock likes talking to himself without anybody questioning his thoughts, like I do.

I've got to go. Keep being polite, Molly. Talk to you all some other time. Maybe. xx

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

Sherlock: You’re not John.

“BORED”.

Greg: Alright then.

Molly: She’s... surprisingly nice.

Greg: To be fair, when you’re used to all these “geniuses” being complete idiots, yeah, she seems nice.

Molly: So, what's her job, then?

I mean, because of the comment about a “professional context”...

Mycroft.: Oh, God. She's a dominatrix. Hard to believe, even coming from you, that it has to be spelled out.

John: Can't you simply just leave your phone on a damn table in this flat without anything happening??

Greg: Hello, John

John: Wearing my “nice little jumpers”, what's wrong with my jumpers?

Molly: Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I like them.

John: When does Sherlock “let her have fun”? What was that supposed to mean?

Molly: No idea, really...

John: And just for the record, I question Sherlock's thoughts. If I had to listen to him talk to himself without being able to say a word, I would've strangled him already. 

Greg: Relax, John.

John: I’m relaxed.

Sherlock: John. I’m pretty sure I told you your function was pretty much to babysit Irene, as you put it. Will I have to look for a better nanny?

John: Well, you see, I’m overworked, having to babysit two of you.

I’ve just seen the text I “sent” you… I didn’t send it. Obviously.

Sherlock: Ask her why she insists on trying to make me waste my time.

John: Irene?

Sherlock: Obviously.

...

John: She says it's just for the fun of it and that she gets bored too.

She's just said “I'm not necessarily wasting his time”.

“But he always assumes that, doesn't he”.

“Unless it's his doctor Watson who is…” first of all, tell Irene I'm not ‘your doctor Watson’.

Sherlock: You aren't?

John: “who is telling him to do something, he’ll consider it a waste of time”. This is a complete lie. If you didn't consider my words to be a waste of time, you would buy the milk more often.

Sherlock: So she says she's not really trying to waste my time.

John: I guess.

Sherlock: Come with me to the address she sent me.

John: Me?

Sherlock: No, my beloved brother Mycroft. Of course you. Bring your gun, forgot mine.

John: I was actually just about to have lunch.

Sherlock: Without me?

John: I mean… I had already accepted that you'd spend half of today running around London.

Sherlock: We'll have lunch somewhere on the way back.

Somewhere you like.

John: Okay. Coming.

Greg: Sherlock, do you happen to be wearing your scarf untied over your shoulders like it's one of those things popes wear?

Sherlock: … Is that a trick question because you know I don't know what type of clothing popes wear?

Greg: Well, you know, untied, going around your neck and over your shoulders... all the way down… at the front... like… Now that you mention it, I'm not sure popes wear that.

Mycroft.: … You mean a stole, and not only popes wear it.

Greg: Oh, look. John's with you, too. I mean, of course he is.

John: Now you're the one who has cameras, Greg?

Greg: No, I've just seen you across the street, haha.

Do you two see me?

Sherlock: What the hell are you doing outside, Lestrade?

Greg: I don't know... Run errands? Live my life? I go outside all the time, you know, it's not a

Hey! Don't run from me!

John: For God's sake, this man.

Molly: Hahahaha

Mycroft.: Run, brother. Run.

Molly: I've seen Sherlock run. I hope you do a lot of jogging Greg.

John: He must, considering his job.

Mycroft.: I doubt it. Most likely he sits in his office eating doughnuts all day.

Molly: Don't you dare start, Holmes. 

Sherlock: As if you do a lot of jogging, brother.

Molly: Thanks for backing me up, Sherlock

Sherlock: No problem.

John: Are you really texting while running? Again?

Sherlock: For the second time today, John, I can multitask.

…

...

...

Greg: Looks like he can't, hahaha.

John: What, you caught him?

Greg: Affirmative. Now he's coming to the weekiversary drinks for sure, guys.

Molly: Are you sure though? You might want to handcuff him

Greg: Aw, damn, you're right. Shame I don't have any handcuffs on me at the moment.

Molly: What is your job even good for, Detective Inspector?!

Greg: Well, Molly Hooper, that hurts. 

He isn't running away for now though.

* sends picture*

Molly: Hahaha well you two are adorable. I've never seen Sherlock in a selfie before, I think!

John: Jesus. Greg, your blinding smile really suits Sherlock's unbearably grumpy face.

Sherlock: John. I am essentially being held captive at the moment. Come help.

John: You ran off and just left me here alone!

Sherlock: I was expecting you to come along!

Greg: Look at this big baby, he’s right next to me and refuses to talk to me in person.

Sherlock: Lestrade, when you least expect it, I am going to forcibly take your phone from you, delete that photo, and ruin your social life in my way out.

Greg: See?

John: Ah, I see you two.

“Weekiversary” drinks is a go, then.

Mycroft.: Not you too, doctor Watson, please.

Sherlock: If you make me go, then I guess so.

Molly: Sherlock, why don't you want to come have some drinks with us anyway?

Sherlock: Because.

That's the kind of thing you people do. Have some drinks together.

Molly: "You people"?

Sherlock: It's not my area.

People, normal people, go drink to take their minds off things and get drunk, as it turns out. And have fun. And make small talk. And do a retelling of jokes you saw on Facebook. And say sentences that end with “am I right?”

Greg: OK… so what you're trying to say is…

Sherlock: I don't work in that setting.

I would ruin your fun. I suppose.

Molly: I thought you were going to say “I would get bored”.

Sherlock: That too.

John: You're saying you don't want to go for our sake, so we won't have our fun ruined?

Greg: Sounds fake.

Sherlock: I shouldn't have said anything. Just go have fun.

John: Sherlock, you do know what “weekiversary” we’re celebrating?

Mycroft.: At least you type the word between quote marks…

John: The weekiversary of your stupid little group chat. It's about you more than about us, to be honest.

Mycroft.: And away go the quote marks.

Greg: You know what? That’s true. We're essentially celebrating the weird stuff you've been sharing with us for a week now

Molly: Exactly, it wouldn't be the same without you!

John: Honestly, if these two just wanted to make small talk and tell terrible jokes and discuss… the weather, I guess, I wouldn't want to go either.

No offense.

Molly: None taken.

If we’re here it's because we all like you, Sherlock.

Greg: Hmmm...

Molly: … At varying degrees.

Greg: And sometimes not so much

But hell, that's what makes it fun, innit

John: Besides, you can be infinitely more funny and charismatic than any “normal person” can be.

...

Is no one going to say anything else? Now my message sounds weird.

I didn't really mean…

Sherlock, just text us. Or if you spoke to us in real life that would be nice, too.

...

Alright. Good news, Molly. He's agreed to the drinks.

Molly: Great!

Greg: Yes, finally. Our evil plan, getting Sherlock drunk, will soon succeed.

In case Sherlock sees this later, I'm just joking.

Molly: Or maybe not? Haha

Greg: No, Molly, seriously, he doesn't understand humour sometimes, don't make it ambiguous.

Molly: Sorry, right.

John: This is where we're going.

*sends address*

Thanks, Sherlock, for your extensive London knowledge.

Molly: I have a question, for John and Sherlock.

John: What is it?

Molly: Did anything interesting come of that address Irene sent you that you went to?

John: Uh, no. It was, in fact, a false lead. And she was, in fact, wasting Sherlock's time.

But we had a nice lunch.

Greg: Are we okay with meeting in two hours?

Molly: Perfect! See you then, boys!

Greg: This is your last chance to tag along, Holmes.

Mycroft.: Really, Lestrade?

Greg: Hahaha

No, not really. Don't come.

...

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

John: When Sherlock stops ignoring his phone, he's going to get so mad.

Greg: I'm going to miss your extremely-zoomed-in face, but this is the best selfie I've ever taken.

Molly: I love both your faces in it, haha. John was right, your smile suits his grimace.

John: I didn't even know you could change the picture of the group chat.

Greg: Really?

John: I thought only Sherlock could.

If I had known do you think I would have let it be my face?

Greg: Now THAT makes sense.

John: Lately I feel like Mrs. Hudson is way more knowledgeable in technology than me. First she starts texting me, and now she mass texts photos of her food to all her contacts.

Sherlock hates it, by the way. Really hates it.

Greg: Hey, Holmes. Having fun doing whatever you’re doing?

Mycroft.: Are you getting drunk together already?

Greg: *audio message*

Mycroft.: Ah, yes, you are. Is that Sherlock talking? There is so much chatter in the background, I can barely hear. It sounds like a stressing environment.

Greg: *audio message*

Mycroft.: Eek. Who is he deducing all of that about?

Greg: Random woman John was checking out

Mycroft.: I suppose doctor Watson isn’t interested in her any longer.

Molly: Doesn’t look it.

Lestrade: I feel like that was Sherlock's goal.

Molly: We should be careful after all. It could be another…

What did Sherlock say? Morally dubious person?

It could be another morally dubious person sending John a potential girlfriend to fool him.

Greg: It’s alarming how fast John finds himself potential girlfriends anyway

John: She wasn’t a potential girlfriend, I WAS JUST LOOKING AT HER. I hate you all.

Greg: *audio message*

Mycroft.: The laughter makes it difficult to hear, but I can tell it is nothing that interests me.

Remember to go to bed soon, little children.

Greg: Hold on, I’m going to tell Sherlock to say a message for his dear brother.

Mycroft.: Don’t.

Greg: *audio message*

Mycroft.: … Well, that’s... rude of him.

Greg: No comeback, eh? He said you’d have no comeback

*audio message*

Mycroft.: Lestrade, your voice indicates that you are a pint away from getting drunk.

Greg: Sherlock said a pint and a half, I'm listening to him.

Molly: Just got home… Happy weekiversary! That was fun.

Mycroft.: Please, do not celebrate the subsequent ones.

Greg: You’ve just given me a great idea! Weekly drinks! Just to spite the elder Holmes brother.

John: It WAS fun. Pretty fun. Weekly drinks might be pushing it, though.

Greg: How are you holding up, John? Still feeling giddy?

John: I was never feeling giddy.

Greg: Sherlock had to help you stand up…

John: For one second! I just temporarily lost my sense of orientation... My bad leg is still not quite cured, you know.

Greg: I’m sure that’s why.

Molly: You did look a little tipsy towards the end of the evening, John.

Greg: You were giggling a LOT.

Sherlock: That’s because I am hilarious.

Molly: Sherlock! It was so nice to spend a while with you, no dead bodies around. What did you think of the evening, then? You genuinely looked like you were enjoying yourself. :)

Mycroft.: You find yourself such ordinary ways of passing the time, brother. I'm equal parts disappointed and relieved that you won't be seeking entertainment elsewhere. 

Molly: Elsewhere?

Sherlock: It was good.

Molly: OK! Nice to hear.

Greg: Is that all? Come on, you had lots of fun. In fact you were strangely smiley. Laughing an unusual amount.

(Unusual for you)

I would think you got tipsy too, if it wasn’t for the fact that you took that test tube thing to measure the amount of alcohol you had to drink.

John: Oh, the weird looks everyone kept shooting at him.

And don’t say “you got tipsy too” because I’m not tipsy.

Molly: Greg! Send the photos you took!

Greg: Oh, yeah, almost forgot.

*sends picture*

Look, it’s us, Molls! You look great. 

Molly: Thank you! You're a sweetheart!! Is that not too much lipstick?

Greg: 'Course not, it looks perfect.

Mycroft.: Oh please, get a room. Or a private chat.

Greg: What do you say, Molls? We can get both 

Molly: Oh, shush.

It's such a cute pic, though. I think it’s going to be my next profile picture.

Sherlock: Skip to the interesting photos, Lestrade.

Greg: Piss off, Sherlock.

*sends picture*

Molly: Ah, Sherlock wearing his scarf like it’s a stole... That was before that woman ripped it off him.

Greg: He got so offended.

Sherlock: Wouldn't you have? Why would you rip off a person's scarf? All because I made a couple of deductions.

Greg: You insulted her and implied her husband was cheating on her.

Sherlock: No. I don't imply things. I affirmed it.

John: Nothing to say about the insults then?

Sherlock: They weren't insults!

Molly: Thankfully John defended you, Sherlock! And Greg too! 

John: Oh yeah, she was really about to call the police before Greg told her he was the police.

Greg: Oh wait, I've got a picture of what happened afterwards... 

*sends picture*

Mycroft.: Am I mistaken or is that you escorting Sherlock out of the bar as if he is being arrested? 

Greg: It turned out I did have some spare handcuffs

Sherlock: And they weren't necessary, considering we were just pretending.

Greg: I've told you, Sherlock, it was just for realism :)

John: And also because you found it fun, wasn't it.

Greg: Okay, that too

* sends picture*

Mycroft.: Can I ask why you climbed to the bar counter, Sherlock?

Sherlock: No.

John: A regular person would have done it because they were drunk, but Sherlock? Sherlock did it in complete sobriety.

Greg: That's what you meant when you said he's more charismatic than normal people?

John: Shut up. And I didn't exactly say that.

Greg: Ok, last one! *sends picture*

John: Why did you take a photo of me??

Greg: No offence, but you looked kind of like an idiot listening to Sherlock talk... Look at the smile on your face... It was just too tempting.

It was also tempting to zoom it in like Sherlock did with your other photo, but I resisted that temptation.

Sherlock: No worries. I'll do it.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Molly: The extreme zoom is back!

Greg: Hey! What do you have against the profile pic being our selfie together?

Sherlock: Many, many things.

John: Sherlock!

Sherlock: What, don't you prefer this pic? That smile looks much better on you than the forehead wrinkles did.

You changed the profile picture.

Greg: Oooh, careful, John now knows how to change the profile picture.

Sherlock: If you're going to use a picture of me don't make it the one in which I was on top of a bar counter!

Greg: You're right, the pope scarf pic is better. Look.

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

Mycroft.: It’s called a stole…

Molly: Well, Sherlock SHOULD be the face of this group chat. It’s appropriate.

Sherlock: I don't care what's appropriate.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Molly: John’s infatuated smile vs. Sherlock wearing a scarf like a stole. Who will win?

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

John: Excuse me, “infatuated”?

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Greg Lestrade changed the profile picture.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

You changed the profile picture.

Sherlock: John! Lestrade’s selfie again, really?

John: It's the best option so far.

Greg: OK, look, I'm going to sleep. You win. 

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Sherlock: :)

Greg: Good night, you madman. And the rest of you.

Molly: Good night!

John: Good night Greg.

Does it really have to be a picture of me?

Sherlock: Last time I saw you, which was four minutes ago in the kitchen, you were visibly tired, clearly too tired to continue changing the profile picture whenever I do, which I, on the contrary, could keep doing for roughly five hours… So, yes, John, I'm afraid that’s just the way things have to be.

John: Fine. I am tired. Guess there's no winning with you.

Sherlock: Nope.

Molly: I liked Greg's selfie, but John's smile is OK too haha.

Going to sleep too. Again, lovely seeing you two today! Sweet dreams!

John: Good night. Also, sure, sweet dreams.

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

John: Hey, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Yes?

John: You never did clarify much about Irene.

Sherlock: Hm.

John: Did you know Mycroft thought she was dead from the beginning?

Sherlock: Yes. What is the point in bringing this up?

John: You had something to do with it, right? Her not dying. You care about her a grest deal, right?

Great*, goddammit

Sherlock: Have you disabled the autocorrect again?

John: It was annoying me. Don’t avoid my question.

Sherlock: I had something to do with it.

Regarding your second question, I don’t understand what point you’re trying to get to.

John: I just said you care about her a lot. You know, you, Sherlock “caring is not an advantage” Holmes.

Sherlock: Mycroft’s the one who says that. But if you’re so concerned about that, I don’t care about her any more than I care about you.

...

John: Also, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Yes?

John: Do you think there's anything wrong with my jumpers?

Sherlock: … Are you sure you aren't tipsy, John? First the typo, then this.

John: Irene said something about them. Not sure what she meant.

Sherlock: I like your jumpers. Go to bed.

John: Okay.

Don't fall asleep on the microscope.

Sherlock: Don't worry, not using it tonight. I'll most likely fall asleep on the pile of documents on the living room table. Much healthier for my face. As Molly said.

John: You’re impossible… Good night.

Sherlock: Yeah, that. Sweet dreams. As Molly said. I suppose. Whatever. 

Wait, John. Still there? 

John: Yeah, what's the matter? 

Sherlock: I value your contributions. 

I do need someone to question my thoughts every once in a while. And you do it best. 

John: Oh.

Sherlock: And you're an excellent conductor of light.

John: You've spoilt it again... Just don't say that.

Sherlock: Okay. 

John: Thank you. 

Sherlock: Okay. 

I mean, no problem, you're welcome. It's nothing. 

John: Are you just randomly saying typical responses to "thank you"? 

Sherlock: Yes. 

John: Okay.

Good night. 

Sherlock: Good night.

Chapter Text

Greg’s phone.

Monday

“BORED”.

Molls: Good morning!

Greg: Good morning! Back to work today!

Johnny: Good morning. Don’t remind me.

Greg: Bold of you to be whiny about going back to work after having spent a week relaxing at home.

Johnny: Sorry, relaxing at home ? As if every day with Sherlock isn’t a near death experience!

Molls: Still, John, it’s more fun. I personally would’ve preferred solving cases with him to going to work

Greg: Would you really, Molly?

Molls: … Don’t make me think too much about it, it’s starting to sound like a bad idea

Johnny: Sherlock, despite having furiously told me he’s “very busy” twice this morning, has just looked up from his papers to ask me if the pattern is going on as usual.

Greg: The pattern?

Molls: The “good morning” pattern he pointed out?

Johnny: I guess so.

Sherlock: Yes, of course the “good morning” pattern. It’s been going strong for a week now. Glad to see it thriving.

Molly!

Molls: Yes?

Sherlock: It may please you to know that last night I slept on the couch instead of the microscope.

Molls: Oh, well done! You need to take care of yourself, you know.

Sherlock: Also, when I woke up, a blanket had sort of appeared over me. Oh, well. That's the same thing that happens with breakfast.

Well, conversation’s over. And Molly. “You need to take care of yourself, you know”... You sound too much like Mrs. Hudson, you might want to stop that.

I'm busy. Bye!

Molls: Uh… alright! Bye!

Johnny: And he's back to his papers.

Mrs. Hudson is the one who brings him breakfast, but don't tell him.

Greg: Does he really think breakfast “sort of appears” in the mornings?

Johnny: I don’t know. He seems to.

Molls: Oh my god, Sherlock

Greg: John, quickly. Delete the message so that he'll never know the truth

Johnny: You know what? Sure. Okay.

Done.

Molls: Oh no, he’s living a lie

Greg: A question just occurred to me. Do you think he knows Father Christmas isn’t real?

Johnny: Who knows, ha.

Oh God. Mrs. Hudson and I left a lump of coal for him last Christmas as a joke. What have we done.

Molls: Hahahaha

Btw, what about the blanket?

Johnny: What about it?

Oh, right, yeah, the blanket. That was me, not Mrs. H.

Molls: Aww!

Johnny: What do you mean “aww”?

Greg: Awwww!

Johnny: Lestrade!

Greg: You really do call me by my last name when you're cross.

Molls: It's just cute of you to do that, John.

Johnny: It's not. I woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, and went downstairs, and saw him there on the couch, actually sleeping, and I happened to remember there was a blanket somewhere.

Greg: He looked like he was cold?

Also, what's the matter with your nightmares? You keep having nightmares.

Molls: That's true. Are you ok, John?

Johnny: Nothing is the matter! Look, let’s delete this whole conversation.

Molls: Ooh, we’re keeping many secrets from Sherlock, are we? How exciting

Greg: Sure, ok, why not.

Molls: Does he really not know that, though? I’d rather believe he says it as a joke...

Greg: I’d rather believe he legitimately thinks it. Just because it’d be quite hilarious.

Molls: How is he simultaneously so clever and so...

Johnny: Stupid?

Molls: Yeah, but that sounds harsh...

Greg: It’s what he calls all of us all the time, we deserve a chance to give the insult back.

Molls: Oh, time flies, I’ve got to leave for work, boys. Talk later!

Greg: Have a nice day, Molls!

Molls: Aw thanks! You too!

...

...

Myke: Does anyone want to give any explanations?

Greg: Explanations for what?

Myke: This string of deleted messages, perhaps?

Greg: What deleted messages?

Myke: Very funny. The pinnacle of comedy, truly.

Greg: I have no idea what you’re talking about at all. Do you, John?

Johnny: Not really, no.

Greg: Wellllll, I’ve got to get ready for work now.

Johnny: Me too, actually.

Greg: Hey John, have a nice day too.

Johnny: Thanks, Greg, have a nice day.

Greg: Thanks.

Myke: I should have listened to Sherlock the day he told me not to open this group chat if I didn’t want to see doctor Watson’s face; I should have never looked at it again. Oh, well, I have important work to do. Goodbye.

Johnny: We’ll miss you.

Greg: Don’t get yourself kidnapped.

Johnny: Oh Greg, hang on.

Greg: What?

Johnny: Sherlock’s told me to tell you to read his text.

Greg: What text? He hasn’t sent me anything.

Johnny: Uh… I think he’s still typing it.

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

Sherlock: I’ve got an arrest for you! Unsolved murder from last week, you must at least know about it. Young woman killed in her flat, made to look like suicide by a person who’d obviously never murdered anyone and made it look like suicide before, probably just watched a couple of detective films. Everyone who was interrogated had a perfectly valid alibi, well, not really, because the woman’s sister’s fiancé? He wasn’t out of town when the victim died, surprise! I’ve got his train ticket to prove it, and also a perfectly reasonable argument that I can expose to you which should be enough to incriminate him even without the evidence.

“BORED”.

Greg: Ah, there it is.

“Sherlock”.

Status: Online.

Greg: You sound excited. I’d even say a bit too excited, if we weren’t talking about you.

Sherlock: *sends picture*

Greg: Alright, good, you do have the train ticket. Well done.

Wait was that taken at his place?

Sherlock: You’ve been there? Involved in the case, then? His bedroom was a mess, wasn’t it. Bit of a hoarder.

Greg: Definitely. So you broke into this guy’s house, looked in his drawers, found a… double bottom, right? And took a picture of his train ticket which you then took with you... You took it with you, right? When was this?

Sherlock: Yes and yes. I didn’t break into his house, the landlord opened the door for me. Saturday.

Greg: Why did you wait until now to tell me?

Sherlock: You aren’t going to ask how I got the landlord to open the door for me?

Greg: No. Look, I’m gonna need the actual ticket as evidence.

Sherlock: Drop by whenever and take it. You aren’t at least going to ask about my perfectly reasonable argument?

Greg: … Tell me.

…

Sherlock: *audio message*

Greg: Wow, two whole minutes.

I’ll play it for everyone at Scotland Yard and tell you who’s the first to get sick of your talking and groan in frustration

Sherlock: Wonderful! If it’s Donovan or Anderson it doesn’t count, give me fresh names.

Greg: Will do.

Also... pretty clever way of getting the landlord to open the door.

Sherlock: Thank you.

When you interrogate him, tell him that The Boxer and The Duck have been arrested, so he better spill the beans, and he might get a lighter sentence... or whatever a proper police officer would say.

Greg: The Boxer, The Duck? Who are those?

Sherlock: People who haven’t really been arrested.

Greg: Ok, yeah. The Woman’s case?

Sherlock: The Woman’s case.

Also tell him, on behalf of SH, that it’s a shame about his wedding, but if I were his fiancée I probably wouldn’t want to marry a man who murdered my sibling.

Greg: Oookay… The “probably” part of the message concerns me a little, but I’ll tell him

“BORED”.

Greg: Hey there! Sherlock and I are doing a thing right now. I'm not very sure what it is myself, but Sherlock seems to. 

*sends picture*

Sherlock: Someone take away this man’s phone before I have the chance to, because when I get the chance to do it, it won’t be pretty.

Johnny: ANOTHER selfie with Sherlock?

Greg: Yeah, Scotland Yard edition. I think I'm gonna make a scrapbook.

Johnny: It would be better if Donovan was in the background grimacing or something.

Greg: Oh my God it would.

How’s your job going, doctor Watson? Send a selfie too

Johnny: Sure, let me just snap a picture with the lady who had angina who just left.

Molls: Lovely pic you two! Sherlock looks even grumpier than in the first one, how does he do it?

Sherlock: And Lestrade looks even more smiley, which is even more incomprehensible.

Molly. Confiscate your boyfriend's phone.

Molls: First of all, he's not my boyfriend

Second of all, if he were, I wouldn't confiscate his phone. Why would I do that?

Sherlock: I don't know. Why do people do things? Why do girlfriends confiscate phones?

Greg: All I’m doing is take great selfies, chill out.

Sherlock: “Chill out”, really, Lestrade?

Molls: You... think that's what girlfriends do, confiscate phones?

Sherlock: Maybe. Happened in a case, once.

But then again, she murdered him afterwards.

Molls: Oh.

I thought you were saying that because of a personal experience with some girlfriend… haha.

Sherlock: Girlfriends… not really my area.

Molls: Oh.

Greg: Molls, if we’re talking about you being my girlfriend, I would let you confiscate my phone no problem. Just try not to murder me afterwards and we’re good. ;)

Molls: Idiot, haha

Sherlock: *audio message*

Johnny: An audio message of you retching.

Great.

Greg: Oh John, imagine being beside him while he actually records it. While looking you in the eye.

Johnny: Jesus.

Molls: Sherlock, why

Johnny: That's what I ask myself all the time, Molly. 

So are you two doing any actual work over there at Scotland Yard, or just collecting photos for the scrapbook?

Sherlock: We are doing some work.

Greg: Say you are, because you aren’t telling me a thing about your case.

Sherlock: Gladly, Lestrade. You don't deserve that much credit.

I am doing some work.

I’ve made advances.

Johnny: Do tell.

Sherlock: I’ll update you on it when you’re here.

Johnny: You know I’m at work until the evening. Unless you weren’t even listening when I told you.

Sherlock: Why would I listen to that? More important question: what do schedules mean anyway? I need my blogger on the case with me, don’t I?

Johnny: Do you?

Sherlock: Of course yes. Besides, we’ve also got the other case. The Reichenbach Falls.

Johnny: Right, the lost painting... About that, how come you’re just as concerned about a painting as you are about Irene’s case?

Sherlock: You know they’re both an 8.3 on the scale!

Come on. For all we know this could be the case that makes my name, and you’re there, at boring work, with your boring patients, refusing to help me.

Johnny: It’s work and it’s important. And I doubt this, of all cases, is the case that makes your name.

Greg: It could be though. Come on John, do it for all of us who read your blog.

Molls: I second that!

Sherlock: Yes, John, listen to them. Finally they're saying something that makes sense.

Johnny: I am surrounded by enemies in this group chat.

Sherlock: John.

Johnny: Sherlock.

Sherlock: John!

Johnny: Sherlock!

Sherlock: Am I really interrupting your work? What, your lovely chat with angina lady?

Johnny: Actually, she was a little short of breath so we couldn’t chat much.

Sherlock: Oh, good. A woman you didn’t have the chance to chat up. John Watson finally sees his flirting impeded by a health condition.

Johnny: Sherlock, she was 82. EIGHTY-TWO.

Greg: Oh my God.

Sherlock: Whatever, don’t change the subject. It’s past lunchtime and you haven’t had lunch.

Johnny: How the hell do you know that?

Sherlock: We can have a late lunch; schedules don’t mean anything.

Johnny: Do you just want to eavesdrop on suspicious people's conversations?

Sherlock: Not this time, I promise. You’ll have to step up your conversation skills if you want to be more interesting than Bulgarian criminals, though.

Johnny: Sounds like a challenge.

Sherlock: So you’ll come.

Johnny: Just text me where you want to go.

Sherlock: Ah, yes, that’s my doctor Watson. Can’t resist a challenge.

Johnny: You’re just calling me “your doctor Watson” because Irene called me that, aren’t you?

Sherlock: It does have a nice ring to it.

...

Greg: Well, for no particular reason, I have just decided that this group chat needs a fresh look.

You changed the profile picture.

Molls: Hahaha, and there's the selfie! Love it, Greg

Sherlock: Do NOT dare touch John's face.

Sherlock changed the profile picture.

Greg: John, look at that. Your smiling face is the sacred profile picture. We'll never get to change it back.

Johnny: *audio message*

Greg: Sherlock sends an audio just to make gagging noises and... you send an audio just to sigh loudly. You really are made for each other.

“Sherlock”

Status: Online.

Greg: By the way, you weren’t there yet when I played that two-minute audio of you talking.

Sherlock: Right. And what’s your report?

Greg: I know you said not to mention Sally and Anderson, but at some point they got frustrated enough that they sighed simultaneously, I found that funny.

After them, it was Dimmock who first sighed in frustration.

Sherlock: Great. Nothing unexpected. Thank you for keeping me informed.

Greg: No problem.

“BORED”.

Molls: Good evening, guys!

Greg: Evening Molly! Doing good?

Molls: Yes - just got home after meeting some friends :) You?

Greg: No friends for me, just working late. Unless you decide to count Anderson as a friend.

Sherlock: I would barely count him as a member of Scotland Yard. Hello. Molly, I see you and your friends are really going strong. That’s two days in a row. You suddenly turn out to have friends and you really don’t stop, do you?

Myke: She seems to work in twos. Did the same thing with her dates with Lestrade.

Greg: What do you two do at family reunions? Giggle like old dames as you pick apart every single detail of Normal People’s lives over some tea and biscuits?

Sherlock: Mum hates that, so we don’t do it anymore.

Johnny: Yeah, good evening to you all.

Molls: I’d love to meet your mother, Sherlock.

Myke: You two are not that close, Hooper. Hoping for her to become your mother-in-law, while you’re at it?

Molls: What?? No!

Of course I'll probably never meet her.

I just mean that it’d be… interesting to meet her.

Greg: She’d hopefully explain a lot of things about the Holmes

Molls: Yes. That’s what I meant.

Johnny: Oh, yes, now that you mention it, I’d love to meet her too.

You’ve never told me anything about her, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Why would I?

Johnny: I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you?

Sherlock: You haven’t told me anything about yours.

Molls: Surely you two don’t talk only about your cases and about buying the milk, right?

Johnny: Of course not, but…

Sherlock: But they’re the most interesting topics.

No, nevermind that. Not the milk.

But speaking of cases, we’ve solved one.

Molls: Oh?? The lost painting?

Sherlock: Very good guess, Molly. Yes. The lost painting.

Johnny: Yeah! Apparently Sherlock will be on the news for it tomorrow.

Sherlock: We will be on the news for it tomorrow.

Molls: Oh wow, it might as well become the case that makes your name!

Sherlock: You tell John that. He doesn’t believe it.

Myke: A little sad, isn’t it?

Sherlock: I agree.

Molls: Sad?

Myke: The fact that after so many frankly brilliant feats in helping the criminal activity of London decrease, he may get more recognition for a painting. It is undoubtedly a good contribution to culture, though.

Sherlock: Frankly brilliant feats?

Myke: Don’t let it get to your head.

Ah, what am I saying. I am at least six years late to that.

Greg: I can attest to that.

Myke: I know.

Johnny: Correct me if I’m wrong but what is this, the first time you call Sherlock something like “brilliant”?

Myke: Compared to the constant praise you offer him, anyone would think mine is extraordinarily rare.

Johnny: Still don’t know how you know about my “constant praise”.

Sherlock: Mycroft has always been… exigent with me.

Myke: Like any good older brother. Do you not agree with that in particular, doctor Watson?

Our parents have always been quite flexible with him, so somebody had to step up.

Johnny: I really want to meet your mother.

Myke: At this point, I wouldn’t be so much surprised to see you at a family reunion one day, doctor Watson. 

Johnny: Flashing back to when you told me “you can imagine the Christmas dinners”... Maybe I won’t have to imagine. As long as you don’t start a civil war before Christmas Day…

Sherlock: John, stop this nonsensical chat and come downstairs. You have to reclaim your spot on the couch. Irene is eyeing it suspiciously.

Molls: His spot on the couch?

Johnny: We’re watching a film tonight. When Sherlock decides which one.

Have you, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Nearly. Come and help me settle a dilemma.

Molls: Enjoy your film night, the two of you… The three of you?

Greg: Be careful Sherlock, I'm pretty sure there’s room on the couch for Irene too. Don’t let her invade it!

Johnny: I’m sure he’ll take your advice to heart.

Greg: I’m just so amused by your… Adler situation.

It was lovely seeing her briefly, earlier.

Molls: Oh you saw her?

Greg: Yeah, when I went to 221B to get evidence Sherlock had for a case, on my way to Scotland Yard (right before Sherlock decided to come with).

Molls: Oh, cool. Nice.

Was she naked?

Greg: Hahahaha, no

Mrs. Hudson sternly told me she now has a strict “no stripping” policy when she opened the door for me. It was funny ‘cause she said it as if she was worried I was planning on stripping there. Just going upstairs and taking my clothes off. “Hey, Sherlock! Hey, John!”

But yeah, it was... lovely. She's disconcerting. She was wearing Sherlock's gown and touching everything. Sherlock was telling her to quit touching everything, by naming every single thing she was touching, individually, without looking. She smiled more each time he did that. So did John. Also, she sort of flirted with me, but I think it was in the kind of way that was more making fun of me than actually flirting. 

Molls: Oh.

Greg: Yeah, exactly. 

Anyway. Film night at home sounds like a great date I wish I would be having.

Johnny: We’re not having a date.

Greg: You instantly jump at the word “date”, don’t you? Just get off the phone and go enjoy your date.

Johnny: Greg!

Sherlock: I would just like you all to know that he was typing “Lestrade” and deleted it.

Johnny: Stop looking over my shoulder!

Molls: Hahahaha

It does sound like a nice date, though, Greg. Maybe another day?

I mean, you know

You and I?

Greg: I know what you meant, don’t worry... I’d be happy to have a date like that. You and I. Another day.

Myke: How utterly romantic you are all being.

Greg: Mate, if this is romantic to you, we have so much romance left to annoy you with.

Molls: Sounds promising.

Myke: Sounds dull. Good night.

Chapter Text

John’s phone.

Tuesday morning

Molly: Good morning everybody!

Greg: Good morning!

...

Molly: Dammit, I hate that Sherlock was so right about the pattern. I was subconsciously expecting John to say “good morning” before texting again.

Greg: Do you reckon he fell asleep during his film night with Sherlock?

Molly: Oh poor him, what if he hasn’t even heard his alarm? I hope he isn’t late to work today.

Do you reckon the film was boring enough for him to fall asleep?

Greg: If Sherlock picked it? Yeah. He would happily watch 5 hours straight of a documentary about venomous plants.

Molly: Now that you mention it, I wonder what Sherlock likes watching… like actually likes

Greg: You don’t think he actually likes venomous plants?

Molly: I mean fiction, that sort of thing… Say, you don’t think he’d be into Glee, do you?

Greg: You want to get him to watch it as well?

Molly: Oh come on, you’ll love it. At least you will

John: Well, rise and shine! Up early every day in this chat, I see.

Greg: Let me guess, this is Irene Adler again.

John: You’re getting better, D.I.

Not good, but better.

Ah, but when you compare anyone to Sherlock Holmes and the like…

Greg: Well, finally someone realizes that.

Molly: Good morning, Adler.

John: Good morning, charming Hooper.

Dr. Watson and Sherlock are both sound asleep, since you seem to be wondering…

So cute, I wonder if I should wake them up.

Know what Sherlock did to keep me from sitting on the sofa with them?

Do you want to know, at least? Give me some conversation, come on.

Molly: I want to know.

John: Good girl. He saw me approach their vicinity and he immediately lay on the sofa with his legs on Dr. Watson’s lap and all, so there would be no room for me.

Greg: Really?

Molly: So they are going to be late for work?

Greg: John, yes. Sherlock doesn’t have a work to be late to, and he barely cares about the concept of time anyway.

Molly: Right.

John: Here they are, in case you don’t believe me. *sends picture*

Greg: John’s going to get so mad, I love it

Molly: Awww, look at them!

But how can John sleep sitting up like that? It looks so uncomfy.

Greg: As someone who’s slept on the job a couple of times... you only fall asleep like that when you’re really tired, or bored.

So the film was definitely a 5-hour documentary on venomous plants.

Molly: You’ve slept on the job

Greg: Only a couple of times.

Molly: Hmm...

Greg: It was many years ago!

Molly: Don’t let Sherlock give you another reason to call you incompetent...

Greg: I’m not proud of it, ok?

Molly: Look at Sherlock though, with his hands folded on his chest

Greg: He looks like a mummy.

Molly: Or a vampire.

Greg: Oh yeah, that sounds right. If vampires existed, he would be one.

Molly: I mean, do we know he doesn’t drink blood?

John: Now that you two mention it, that would explain the body parts in the fridge.

Greg: I have seen him squint and cover his face when he’s under the sun way too many times…

We can be sure he can barge in people’s houses without being invited, though.

Molly: Oh, darn, there goes our theory.

Greg: Either way, this is great profile pic material.

Greg has changed the profile picture.

Molly: Perfect!!

John: Look at you two, having fun.

I’m going to miss you.

Greg: Don’t be offended, Adler, but that sentence sounds odd coming from you.

Mycroft.: It most certainly does.

John: Oh, look who’s finally here…

I was waiting for Mr. Holmes to show up before saying goodbye.

Mycroft.: So leave already. Give doctor Watson his phone back before he gets cross. And make sure to remind my brother not to sleep in. Both of them must attend the Reichenbach Falls exhibition today.

John: That’s not until the afternoon.

Greg: You know their schedules now?

John: Of course I know their schedules.

Mycroft.: Of course she knows their schedules.

Greg: You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

Mycroft.: That again, Lestrade?

Molly: Hahah, it’s his thing now.

Greg: Yeah, exactly! It’s my thing.

John: Well, I’ve really got to go now.

Mycroft.: Busy social life, Adler?

John: Believe me, if Sherlock and John kept me locked in a cage, it would still be busier than yours.

As I said, I’ll miss you.

Oh, but wait, Mr. Holmes.

Mycroft.: Yes?

John: Ask your brother about the information I showed him.

Mycroft.: What?

John: Well, you know. When we were having that lovely double date.

Mycroft.: What should I have to ask? I know exactly what you “stole” from me.

John: Sure… Why do you think he took my case?

Mycroft.: Because despite his brain and his potential, he has his weaknesses. You could tell he was dying to dust off that little brain of his… it gets bored often. Or, in other words, he was dying to kneel before The Woman again.

John: Then I hope he enjoys doing just that.

Mycroft.: Answer me. What should I have to ask?

John: He took my case because he’s clever.

More than you.

But not clever enough this time. Awh, it’s a shame, really.

Mycroft.: Getting to the point any time soon, Adler?

Greg: You say that as if you’re not also the kind of person to beat around the bush.

Mycroft.: Well, right now, I have work I must pay my attention to within the next ten minutes if we don’t want England to collapse.

John: What if I want England to collapse?

I have much more information than you think.

Mycroft.: Is this where I laugh? No, you don’t.

John: Haven’t you wondered why your brother is so affronted you gave away government secrets?

Or did you just think that was just him, being dramatic?

Mycroft.: What are you trying to say?

John: I’m just saying you’ve lost the game. And I’ll miss you. Bye bye!

Mycroft.: Adler.

Adler.

…

Molly: What was that?

Mycroft.: I am not entirely sure.

Which means that now I have to call my brother. Wonderful! And he acts so pissy when he’s just woken up.

Sherlock’s phone.

“John”.

Status: Online.

John: SHERLOCK!

WHY ON EARTH DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP??!?

Sherlock: Oh, don’t worry about work, I called in sick.

John: You what?

Sherlock: You really don’t need to bring your habit of repeating everything here, you know. You can just read my message again.

John: You called in sick?

Sherlock: Yes.

John: On my behalf?

Sherlock: Well, John, you see, you have such a bad fever you can barely see straight, not to mention talk, so your caretaker had to establish the call for you.

John: And that would be you?

Sherlock: That’s right. Don’t worry, I was very convincing.

John: You’re lucky you’re such a good liar, or I’d be on my way to wherever you are, ready to kill you.

Speaking of that.

Where the hell are you two?

Sherlock: Having coffee. Boring, I know. Wasn’t me who insisted on that.

John: Having… coffee?

Sherlock: Do I need to insist on what I just said about your habit?

John: You’re seriously having coffee... together?

Sherlock: I’m as surprised as you are, yes, but move on, really.

John: Right now??? As if you’re not being targeted by at least two different criminal gangs?

Sherlock: Well, danger is why life is occasionally exciting in between all the boring bits. Are you quite alright, John? Maybe you do have a fever. Try lying down.

John: Of course I’m alright. Stop taking a piss of me.

Hope the pair of you are having lots of fun.

Sherlock: Not at the moment, but that might change later.

John: Oh yeah? What is it that you’re doing later, then? Maybe going somewhere private?

Sherlock: Not really, we’re going to Scotland Yard. What is the matter with you?

John: You’re going to Scotland Yard with Irene??

Sherlock: What?

John: What?

Sherlock: Irene?

John: Oh.

Sherlock: You were talking about Irene?

John: Forget everything I’ve just said.

Sherlock: John.

Don’t go offline, why are you offline?

What are you doing?

There you are.

John: Gonna go to work anyway, you know, tell them I’ve recovered from the fever because Mrs. Hudson’s chicken soup does wonders.

Sherlock: John.

John: Forget it, really.

Sherlock: I was talking about Lestrade.

John: Okay.

Sherlock: Not Irene.

John: Alright.

Sherlock: Why did you think I was talking about her?

John: Why did you suppose I knew you weren’t?!

Sherlock: Well, when you asked “Where are you two?”, I simply assumed your deduction skills had somehow levelled up enough that you know that in these circumstances, if I wasn’t home, I was probably with Lestrade.

John: You expect too much of me.

Sherlock: Well, you’re not exactly an idiot.

John: Are you really sure? Because I thought everyone except for you and Irene was an idiot.

Sherlock: I never said that .

John: You didn’t have to say it.

Look, I woke up and didn’t see or hear anybody so I assumed Irene and you were out together. For some nonsense detective reason. Or maybe because you decided to go on a date with her. Which is also sort of a nonsense detective reason.

Sherlock: Emphasis on “nonsense”.

But no. She left on her own.

John: What do you mean “she left”? Isn’t she in your room?

Sherlock: No. Haven’t you seen she isn’t? You’re the one who’s there.

John: Well… I don’t know. I haven’t been in your room. Unlike you, I don’t tend to go into my flatmate’s room to, I don’t know, steal his laptop and put dead body parts in his closet. Refresh my memory - why did you even do that?

Sherlock: I told you, the fridge was full.

John: How can she have left?

She can’t have just gone for a walk, can she? Seeing as she is being targeted by a dangerous criminal organisation and that is why we are taking care of her case?

Sherlock: Yes, brilliant reasoning, John.

John: Ah! You do value my contributions! I see that now.

She hasn’t left, Sherlock, don’t be ridiculous.

Maybe she’s just... having tea and biscuits with Mrs. Hudson downstairs, or something. Trying to get her to abolish the “no stripping” policy, ha.

Sherlock: She wouldn’t achieve much.

John: I’m looking for her now.

Sherlock: She’s not there.

You know, if you apply the brilliant reasoning you demonstrated a while ago to this situation, I’m sure you’ll deduce the same thing I deduced when I woke up and there was no sight of her; it’s really not that hard.

...

John?

John: This is weird, but I think I might actually be sick. I’m feeling nauseous. And dizzy.

Sherlock: Listen to me this time, then, and lie down.

It might be a side effect.

John: Of what?

Sherlock: The drug.

John: What drug?

Sherlock: John, really? The drug The Woman used to ensure we were both sound asleep before leaving?

Affects different people differently, which is I woke up sooner than you did, too.

She’s clever, but not exactly a scientist. She didn’t pay a lot of attention to the precise doses, I suppose.

John?

John?

Have you fainted?

I hope you haven’t fainted.

Do people really do that?

“Mrs. Hudson”.

Status: Online.

Mrs. Hudson: Today’s delicious dinner is already ready! *sends picture*

Oh, Sherlock, dear. Your flatmate, the one who’s not your lover, left me something for you before she left. It’s a folder, but I’m pretty sure it’s yours, I think I’ve seen it before in your flat.

Sherlock: Interesting. Thank you.

Mrs. Hudson: Where are you, BTW? (John told me that means “by the way”, BTW!)

Sherlock: Still with Lestrade. Don’t worry about it. We have to look for someone.

Mrs. Hudson: Shouldn’t you and John be getting ready for your exhibition thing??

Sherlock: We’ll be there in time.

Mrs. Hudson: It’s your first fancy event together, isn’t it??

Sherlock: It’s not that fancy. Can you do me a favour and go upstairs to check on John?

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, what’s wrong??

Sherlock: He’s sick.

He may have fainted, don’t scream if you see him lying on the floor.

Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock!!! Don’t worry me like this!!!

Sherlock: On second thought, some yelling might wake him up. Feel free to scream to the top of your lungs, Mrs. Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson: What if that doesn’t do it? Should I splash water on him?

Sherlock: Yes, but be gentle.

Mrs. Hudson: Understood!! Many kisses for you and Detective Inspector Lestrade!

Sherlock: For him, too? Why?

“Mycroft”.

Status: ?

Mycroft: I’m sorry, Sherlock.

I didn’t know.

Sherlock: What do you mean?

Mycroft: The information Adler had.

Has.

She made me believe it wasn’t of importance. She knew I would underestimate her, and she was right. I was a careless fool. I gave it away.

You were right.

I’m sorry.

…

Sherlock: I’m not very sure what I should say to this.

Mycroft: It is difficult to determine what the right thing to say is in these situations.

Sherlock: Yes, I mean, you’ve never apologized before.

Mycroft: Oh, come on, Sherlock.

Perhaps, try saying you forgive me. I think people say that.

Sherlock: Nope, I don’t think I like that reply.

Stick to being the British Government, brother. And do a better job of it.

John’s phone.

“BORED”.

Molly: Evening, guys! This chat has been quiet since the morning.

Love the new profile pic. You two (Sherlock and John) look so... harmless while sleeping.

I just got home and now I’m relaxing. Anyone else?

No? I figure you’re all busy in your respective jobs!

I was going to say a little joke about how my job involves seeing dead bodies, but if you really think about it, that’s the case for all of us.

I see dead bodies more often, sure, but still.

Greg, you’re probably used to seeing them. In an “oh, that’s bad” kind of way, but you know, used to it.

Sherlock, to you it must be exciting. Like getting good news.

John, sorry. I didn’t stop to think that seeing dead bodies when you’re working as a doctor isn’t exactly a good sign. Sorry.

Mycroft. I nearly forgot about you. But it’s still possible that you’re involved in sketchy government business that includes dead bodies. I wouldn’t know, haha.

Pretend I didn’t say anything.

John: Hi, Molly.

Molly: Oh hi, John! How are you? Seen any dead bodies today?

John: Not really.

I’m just back from the Reichenbach Falls exhibition, which we apparently absolutely had to attend. Sherlock got a present for his great detective work. He didn’t like it. I’m home, Sherlock is God knows where. And I didn’t even go to work today.

You changed the profile picture.

Molly: That photo of Sherlock with the hat! Nice.

How come you didn’t go to work?

John: I was sick. Being injected with propofol, an anaesthetic you definitely should not be using if you’re not a doctor, does have its side effects.

Molly: What?? Sherlock drugged you?

John: Oh, no, not Sherlock.

God. Now that you mention it, it does sound like something he could have done.

Sherlock: No, it doesn’t.

John: You don’t get to say anything about it.

Molly: Who drugged you, then?

John: Irene Adler.

Molly: Oh??

Sherlock: Why don’t I “get” to say anything?

John: I still don’t know why you didn’t even try to wake me up. You KNEW Irene was gone! You KNEW I’d been drugged! All you did was call Lestrade and happily drink coffee and look for clues around London and didn’t tell me a thing!

Sherlock: I didn’t want the coffee. It’s not my fault Lestrade needs to consume an unhealthy amount of it to be fully conscious in the mornings.

Greg: Hey, it’s the way I deal with my unbalanced sleep schedule, alright?

Sherlock: Also, John, I didn’t know propofol had all the dangerous potential side effects you angrily listed to me on the way to the exhibition while the cabbie stared at us panickedly through the rearview.

John: Don’t describe it as if I’m the one who embarrasses you.

Sherlock: Also, I was expecting Lestrade and I to find The Woman before you even woke up. She was supposed to be back in the flat by that time.

John: That’s not a reason. I could’ve helped.

Sherlock: You shouldn’t have had to. We should have found her.

Mycroft.: He wanted to impress you, doctor Watson. In fact, perhaps it was you all along. I once thought it was Adler that he wanted to impress, but I could have been wrong.

Molly: Can anybody explain what’s going on?

Greg: I haven’t been given much of an explanation except “Irene Adler has left and we have to look for her”.

Sherlock thought he could deduce his way to her, but he didn’t get very far, so he asked me if I could use my resources… Kind of just told me to do it, actually.

John: All that’s going on is that Irene’s been fooling us.

Molly: You say “all” as if it’s this simple thing...

John: Well.

You know those government secrets? It seems like the information Adler actually stole was huge - Mycroft didn’t know the full extent of it, but she showed Sherlock and I the whole thing.

Well, she showed Sherlock. I didn’t understand much of it, as she kindly pointed out.

And it seems like she didn’t just want that info for protection, she was planning on selling it to the exact criminal gang that we were supposedly “protecting her from” and investigating.

Molly : Wait, what? But then why did she consult Sherlock?

John: So she could snoop around our flat and steal information from us, too. Which is just brilliant.

Molly: Oh, wow

Sherlock: Yesterday night, after John and I had fallen asleep, she used the anaesthetic to ensure we would sleep for a little longer.

Right after you two had fun texting, she took her old phone from where I was keeping it, which was obvious to me when I woke up and I took a fleeting glimpse at the drawer it had been in.

Greg: Ok, we know, you’re clever and deduce things by looking at them for a second. Continue.

Sherlock: It was, of course, also obvious she’d taken some papers, in which I kept information pertinent to some very nasty European criminal organizations.

As John has said, she’s made an agreement in which she sells the Bulgarians some information, including as much as she knows about me, probably.

I’ve been following the same hints we’ve been following these days to solve her case. She didn’t want me digging too much, though.

Which is why she stopped me from doing it when I ended up at the abandoned warehouse by texting me with John’s phone, who she knew I would listen to.

That’s where I am now. The warehouse.

John: Is Lestrade there?

Greg: I’m not with him anymore. Partly, because he lashed out at me and told me he could manage this on his own.

John: Really? Sherlock, don’t be like this. Not again.

Molly: So it was all a fake case?

John: Pretty much.

...

Molly: Ok, so… How bad is the situation?

I mean, what is going to happen? Irene Adler has very important information now, right?

Sherlock: This is not about Irene Adler being in possession of that information, it’s about who she has given it to. And in reference to your question, Molly, the situation ranges from potentially inconvenient to potentially catastrophic. Thanks for asking.

John.

John: What?

Sherlock: Text her.

John: Text Adler??

Sherlock: Yes.

John: I don’t even have her phone number.

Sherlock: Yes you do.

John: I don’t.

Sherlock: You do, she added it to your phone this morning, go look.

...

John: Okay, so I do have it. Saved as “Irene ;)”, for some reason. Why don’t you text her?

Sherlock: I can’t.

John: Why not?

Sherlock: Because I never text her back. Just do it.

John: Yes, by the way, why is that?

Sherlock: Why is what?

John: Why don’t you ever text her back?

Sherlock: Why should I?

Greg: I swear you two have the weirdest of conversations. HOW does that matter?! One of you, text the damn woman already!

Sherlock: John.

...

John: Fine. What do I tell her.

Sherlock: Ask her if the box was green.

“Irene ;)”.

Status: -

Contact name changed to “Irene Adler”.

John: Hello. I guess.

Was the box green?

Status: Online.

Irene: This isn’t Sherlock using John’s phone, I suppose?

John: He doesn’t really want to talk to you.

Irene: So you’re acting as his puppet.

Yes, the box is green. But tell him not to stress out about it. There’s no double bottom. He won’t find anything.

“BORED”.

John: She says you won’t find anything in the green box and there’s no double bottom.

Sherlock: We’ll see. Tell her I know a male duck is called a drake.

Molly: ???

Greg: I wish I knew what the hell is going on.

“Irene Adler”. 

Status: Online. 

John: He says he knows a male duck is called a drake. 

Irene: Good boy, but he’s running out of time.

Doesn’t he think everything would be easier if he talked to me directly?

John : He’s weird like that.

Irene: Was he the one who made the group chat?

John : The group chat?

Yes. He was bored.

Irene: So he’ll create a group chat and won’t reply to my texts.

John: Yeah, still don’t understand that.

Irene: Still jealous?

John: Why did you do this?

Irene: Do what?

John: You know what I’m talking about.

Irene: Is this Sherlock acting as a puppeteer, or is it you asking?

John: I’m sure he’s wondering too, but as you might know, he’s too proud to communicate in any way that isn’t... cryptic clever questions.

Irene: Tell me, doctor Watson, do you think I can join the group chat?

John: Oh yeah, sounds brilliant. I’ll add you right away. We’ll all plan holiday dinners and send each other memes.

Irene: Come on, I mean one last time. Maybe then he’ll talk to me.

It’s just to say goodbye. I promise I won’t ask him out for dinner ;)

“BORED”.

Irene Adler has joined the group chat.

Molly: Is that Adler?

Irene: Why hello there. It’s impressive that you stick around here, Molly Hooper. Doesn’t the younger Holmes drive you mad?

Molly: A little.

Irene: In several ways, doesn’t he? He has a talent for that. You have to both love him and hate him.

Molly: Tell me about it.

Irene: Oh, and I nearly forgot the oldest Holmes brother is here too… What a party.

Greg: Personally, both of them drive me mad, but I’m pretty sure it’s just in one way. The worst one.

Irene: Oh, and I love that photo of Sherlock with the hat. Doesn’t he almost look cute?

Greg: I like the “almost”. So close yet so far away.

Sherlock: John.

Why is she here?

John: Because I’m not your puppet, Sherlock, talk to her.

Irene: Look at doctor Watson. I told him he was being used as a puppet and look at how fast he learns... I’m quite proud of him.

Sherlock: Don’t put strange ideas in John’s head.

Irene: Too late, he’s already got all sort of strange ideas in there. He once got jealous because you don’t text me back.

John: I didn’t.

Mycroft.: Adler.

Irene: Holmes.

Mycroft.: You are being foolish. You want to be on Sherlock’s side, you know.

Irene: He wants to be on mine.

Mycroft.: At least him giving you protection meant something. My brother is many, many, bad things, but he is not a criminal like the ones you have decided to play with. You have made yourself unsafe again, you know that?

Irene: I can take care of myself.

Mycroft.: If you could, would you be selling information to criminal gangs in exchange of protection?

Irene: The Bulgarians are just a jumping-off point, it’s not exactly a lifelong alliance.

Mycroft.: Oh, yes. A very badly chosen jumping-off point... I don’t think you will stick the landing.

Irene: Sit back and watch.

Sherlock: Have you had fun reading through my investigation? Reading about atrocities that would make your allies worthy of the title of “evil”?

Irene: If you called people “evil”, Sherlock. Which you don’t.

It would mean you’re calling yourself a good person, and you can’t do that. You don’t feel like you’re worthy of the title.

John: I don’t care what you say, Adler.

Irene: Sorry, was I talking to you?

John: No, but I am talking to you. I don’t care what you say, and neither does Sherlock. He’s a good person.

Irene: Oh, really?

John: Yeah. It so happens that he can be both that and a massive arsehole. And he manages to reconcile those two things fantastically.

You can’t just be neutral. There are consequences in life, you know. You can’t jump from side to side and pretend like it doesn’t matter.

Irene: Sherlock taught me a lesson the last time I saw him before all of this. He taught me love is a disadvantage. (You could keep that in mind too, dr. Watson, since you defend Sherlock so much)

And by the same logic, morals are a disadvantage, as well.

So Sherlock, stop playing the hero, and doctor, stop playing the sidekick.

John: Thank you, but I’m not willing to take that kind of advice.

Irene: What kind?

John: Sociopathy 101 advice.

Sherlock: I'm not a hero, and if I were, John wouldn't be a sidekick.

And John’s right. There are consequences.

You could run from all of this. Maybe go into an actual witness protection program, this time. I’m sure Mycroft would agree that it could be arranged.

Irene: What did I just say? Playing the hero… You think your role is to save me?

Sherlock: I have done it before.

Irene: And once was enough for your ego, don’t you think?

I insist. I can take care of myself.

But if you really want to show me those consequences you speak of, then solve it.

Solve the case, Reichenbach Hero… I’ve seen the news, by the way.

Be all heroic, catch me just in time, and solve the case.

Sherlock: If that’s what you choose, then don’t fret, I will.

Irene: Is that a promise then?

Sherlock : Yes. I do go through with mine.

Irene: Ah, you’re referring to when you said I’m not very loyal to my word because I never got to made you beg… twice.

Greg: Just when I was forgetting about the secondhand embarrassment I experienced when I heard that.

Sherlock: Don’t beat yourself up about that one, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

Irene: I’m not really interested anymore, anyway.

Sherlock: Ah, right. Yes. Not interested anymore. I could tell yesterday.

John: Yesterday? What happened yesterday?

Irene: Oh, doctor Watson. Allow me to do a little retelling.

It was while you were busy in your room upstairs, while Sherlock was struggling to both choose a film to watch and make sure I wouldn’t take your spot on the couch… He’s really bad at multitasking.

He looked stressed, so I decided he could use a massage.

Sherlock: And I decided I didn’t.

Irene: And I decided I was tired of asking him out for dinner.

So I massaged his back, whispered in his ear about my feelings for him, and then he softly held my hand one last time.

Sherlock: You pressed your nails against my skin, whispered “I feel nothing for you anymore, Sherlock Holmes, but the curiosity a scientist feels towards his rats”, and then I took your pulse.

Irene: Details.

Anyway, that’s when you could tell.

Sherlock: Your pulse. Yes. That’s when I could tell.

Greg: Tell what?

Sherlock: That she’s not really interested anymore.

Irene: It was nice while it lasted, Sherlock. As nice as flirting at a wall.

Sherlock: You’re welcome.

Irene: You say that ironically, but you’ve helped me a great deal.

Sherlock: Oh, really? Sorry, it wasn’t my intention.

Irene: Thanks to you I know a thousand things more about the fascinating mind people like you have. Please, do feel flattered.

Sherlock: I was already feeling flattered before your clarification, but okay.

Irene: Thanks to you I have learned a lesson about love and morality.

Sherlock: I can say the same.

Irene: Thanks to you I know I’m bisexual, I nearly forgot about that.

Sherlock: Oh.

Irene: Still more into women, though.

Sherlock: If that’s what rocks your boat.

Irene: If it doesn’t rock yours.

You know, if someone was a bit less in denial, I wouldn’t be the only one discovering my bisexuality thanks to you, Sherlock sharp cheekbones Holmes.

...

I was waiting for John Watson to realize that was about him, but what was I thinking.

John: Excuse me, what?

Irene: See what I mean?

And thanks to you I’ve had some fun, I mean, just look at this group chat.

And I mean thanks to all of you. You’ve been charming. I’m sure Molly Hooper, the most charming one of all, and Detective Inspector Lestrade won’t mind if I keep their phone numbers with me. Just in case.

Molly: ... Thanks again.

Greg: Feel free to call if you ever feel compelled to go to prison for the criminal activity you're involved in. Or if you just want to meet for tea. I’m sure you won’t mind if I track your phone?

Irene: It won’t get you anywhere, but try it if you’re ever bored.

Mycroft.: Really, Adler? That's all?

Irene: Don't worry, Holmes. There's still a couple of storms coming. Hopefully they'll remind you of me. xx

Irene Adler has left this group chat.

Greg: Well, that was something.

Mycroft.: Sherlock, is this really your best?

You are just going to let her get away with this? Let her outsmart you?

Sherlock: Is this your best? Weren’t you using your contacts to help find her?

Mycroft.: I am using my contacts to help. But you are who you are, Sherlock. When I thought Adler was dead, I said to John Watson that it would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me. And it did. I expected better of you.

Sherlock: I expected better of you, too.

And I’ve decided I don’t forgive you.

…

Greg: Are we supposed to know what you two are talking about?

Sherlock: No.

Mycroft.: No.

Greg: Good, then. Makes me feel less stupid.

John: Hey, Sherlock. Mrs. H. just gave me a folder. Said she forgot to give it to you, and that Irene left it there for you.

*sends picture*

It’s empty except for a note that just says…

*sends picture*

Molly: “For my protection”?

Greg: That’s a lot of lipstick kisses.

Sherlock: She does love to keep information for her own protection. That folder used to contain information regarding the Bulgarians. Now she can bribe them with it if the occasion comes, or at least that must her idea. Mostly had information on some of its British collaborators, like The Duck, a.k.a. Drake Alcorn.

John: Wait, The Duck is called Drake… Don't tell me that's what the stupid text about the way male ducks are called was about.

Sherlock: … It wasn't stupid.

John: The text about the green box wasn't stupid. The text about the duck was. It’s the truth. You were trying too hard.

Greg: What was the text about the green box… about?

John: A box Adler stole from The Duck. With information she took for… you've guessed it… her protection.

Sherlock: She gave it back once she and the Bulgarians had a deal. Left the empty box for me.

I wasn't trying too hard.

John: Most of the time you are.

Sherlock: Yet despite my best attempts, I seem to accomplish nothing, isn't it funny?

Molly: Sherlock, are you ok?

Sherlock: What?

Molly: Are you ok? I’d never heard you put yourself down like that

Sherlock: Bah.

John: Where are you, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Still at the abandoned warehouse.

Looking at the green box.

She left it here for me. She considers myself to be lost enough to need an outrageously obvious hint to be left here for me.

It's too green.

It's been given a new coat of green paint approximately a week ago. That's just ridiculous. It's mocking me.

John: I'll probably be leaving work in a while, want me to tell the cabbie to pick you up on the way home?

Sherlock: I'll walk. Helps me think.

John: Okay. Will you be fine?

Sherlock: Of course yes.

Molly: Hey, guys! How are you all?

John: Hey. I had dinner a while ago, but Sherlock won't eat.

He's curled up on the sofa watching some rubbish tv programme, but he's not even criticizing it loudly like he usually does. Actually, I don’t even think he’s watching. I think he just wanted background noise for his thinking, or something.

Molly: I knew he wasn’t ok

John: You always seem to know that kind of thing.

I think he's not taking it well. Being... outsmarted. But he'll be fine. Tomorrow he’ll be jumping up and down excited about solving the case.

Which he will solve. He did promise.

Molly: Right, yeah. He's our Sherlock, after all.

John: He’s our Sherlock.

At least he's not playing that damn song on the violin.

Greg: Oh, by that, do you mean the song he was playing yesterday before I walked in?

John: Precisely. He wrote it. For Irene.

Molly: I should go to bed now, good night guys!

Greg: Good night, Molls! And John, and Sherlock if he sleeps at all.

John: Good night, Molly.

His bed isn't occupied anymore, so he better go to sleep like a regular human being tonight.

Greg: Let me make a prediction. You'll find him tomorrow in the exact same position on the couch, but he'll be sleeping. With his eyes open. Because he probably does that.

Well, talk to you all tomorrow.

John: Good night.

Chapter Text

Sherlock’s phone.

Wednesday!

Molly: Good morning, guys!

Lestrade: Good morning!

J ohn: Good morning.

Molly, I was kind of right about Sherlock jumping up and down excitedly.

He was awake before I was, strolling up and down the flat. Has spent all morning yelling out things like “Right! Of course!” or “She is clever, quite clever, yes” (I have a feeling he means Irene). Occasionally he literally does jump up and down.

Molly: Oh! That’s good, right?

John: I’d say so. Sometimes he gets suddenly... quiet and thoughtful, but it doesn’t seem too concerning.

Molly: Good… Look after him, will you?

John: You just sounded like Mrs. Hudson.

Molly: First Sherlock and now you too?

Lestrade: Was he sleeping with his eyes open this morning?

John: Sorry to disappoint, I think he actually slept in his bed, but I don’t really know. Strangely, he got up earlier than me today.

Molly: He slept in his bed and woke up early?... Are we sure he’s our Sherlock?

Lestrade: Do look after him, John. He might be broken.

Molly: I was serious when I told him to look after Sherlock

Lestrade: So am I!

John: Being honest, I don’t know how to “look after him”. Yesterday when he was in… that mood I could barely tell whether he was mildly irritated, actually heartbroken or just, I don’t know, thinking.

Molly: Heartbroken by who? Adler?

Sherlock: Whom*, Molly.

John, keep the chatter about me for the blog. And cut out the details. You share way too many details about my life with these people.

Lestrade: “These people”?!

Molly: “These people”??

Sherlock: You two literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

Lestrade: You’re copy-pasting what I said yesterday, really?

Sherlock: I’m not. I’m quoting it. I have good memory.

Molly: Sherlock, it’s supposed to be Greg’s thing, let him have it!

Lestrade: Thank you for bravely defending my honour, Molls.

Also Sherlock, you can’t make a group chat that pretty much revolves around you just to have us stroke your ego and then expect us not to talk about you

Sherlock: I didn’t make this group chat to have you “stroke my ego”.

I made it because I was bored.

Lestrade: And what’s the first thing you do when you’re bored?

John: You mean after looking for his revolver?

Lestrade: Yeah. Well. After not finding it.

He looks for someone who will stroke his ego. Why do you think he solves cases?

John: Good point.

Sherlock: Well, it’s not the only reason I solve cases. That would be ridiculous.

If I simply wanted attention and an ego boost, I could just take a walk around London. Let myself be looked at. By women. Mostly.

John: Yeah you definitely have no need for an ego boost.

Molly: Oh my god, Sherlock…

Lestrade: I’m sure you wouldn’t have to walk out of your flat for that, though, Sherlock.

John: Alright, could we change the topic?

Lestrade: Sure thing

Speaking of solving cases, now that Adler and by extension the criminals she was working with aren't under Sherlock's “protection” anymore, Scotland Yard can finally hold a proper investigation on them instead of keeping it on the down low.

I'll try to keep you informed

Molly: Oh, right, that's good!

John: You were investigating this “on the down low” until now?

Lestrade: That's right. We were mostly looking into the tattoo gang but we'll see what we can do about the... Bulgarians? if Sherlock gives us the information he's got.

Sherlock, I know you don’t have your little folder anymore, but your memory is... freaky… So I’m sure you can go to your mind place or whatever and find the info.

John: His memory is “freaky”?

Lestrade: Oh, I’m sorry. What would you say? Amazing? Fantastic? Brilliant? Bewildering? Worthy of admiration?

John: Shut up.

Lestrade: Yeah, you would say that, too.

Sherlock: Mind palace *.

The Woman is clever, Lestrade.

Lestrade: So?

Sherlock: So she did her best not to allow me to know more than she needed me to know. Calculated it all quite well.

Lestrade: So you don’t have any information to go by?

Sherlock: Don’t be ridiculous.

I have information that could fill another folder.

Lestrade: Oh, good.

Molly: Now there’s our Sherlock :)

Sherlock: Since you’ve already Scotland Yard about our case for whatever stupid reason crossed your head at the wrong time, I suppose there is no other way. This is as good an opportunity as any other for me to use your resources. But, for the sake of my sanity, try to make sure you gather more competent people at NSY this time.

Lestrade: I don’t think your sanity can be helped anymore, but if it makes you feel alright.

So no one you hate?

Sherlock: After six years, you’re finally learning! Exactly.

Lestrade: After six years, there’s very few people you don’t hate left around here, but I’ll do my best. Though I’d have to remove myself from the case if I was strict about that requirement.

Sherlock: Nonsense. I don’t hate you.

Lestrade: You don’t?

Sherlock: Would I add someone I hate to a group chat?

John: Your brother is in this group chat, Sherlock.

Sherlock: … Touché.

Lestrade: I love that adding me to a chat is the only example you can think of of a situation in which you made it obvious you don’t hate me.

Sherlock: I could think of more, but that would be a ridiculous way of wasting my time when I should be revisiting all the information I have on the Bulgarians in my mind palace, wouldn’t it?

But I could think of more.

Lestrade: You’re being sort of nice. John, did you bribe him to be sort of nice?

John: I bribed him to be nice, not just “sort of”, but it looks like that’s too hard for him.

Sherlock: John, don’t say that, he might believe it.

Lestrade: Are you trying to tell me it doesn’t sound like something that could happen? hahaha

Mycroft: Do not let this fool you, you three. Sherlock does not hate me either. Not really.

Sherlock: What made you think that?

John: Sorry, Mycroft. Didn’t bribe him enough to be THAT nice.

Lestrade: Hahahahahaha

Sherlock: Just to keep things straight, John did NOT bribe me. This is the way he “jokes”.

Lestrade: Give up on keeping things straight, Sherlock. Just give up.

Mycroft: I am leaving. Good luck in the case, Sherlock and whoever gets involved. As for your mundane lives, wishing you good luck for those too would be excessive. I’m sure you’ll do just fine.

Molly: Well, thanks for trusting us to do just fine.

...

Lestrade: Sherlock, I know you don’t like getting in police cars, so I’m not going to bother going all the way there…

I don’t have to tell you to come here, do I?

Sherlock: Already putting on my coat.

Lestrade: Really?

Like, while texting?

Sherlock: I can multitask.

John: He can’t. Just heard him drop his phone.

...

Sherlock: John!

John: See how long he took to text back? Yep.

Molly: John, you should really share these “scandalous details” of Sherlock’s life with your readers on the blog.

Sherlock: John, you should really remember that since we’ve become friends I have carefully planned three equally undetectable ways of murdering you, so I would advise against doing that.

John: Hmm, interesting. When do you consider us to “have become friends”? Since the time you told me I was your only friend, while we were in Baskerville?

Sherlock: What have I just told you about sharing details of our lives with these people?

John: I’m just saying, the relatively short time frame would make the detailed murder planning all the more impressive, so.

Sherlock: Yes. Since then.

Lestrade: I went all the way to Baskerville only to end up missing Sherlock calling you his “only friend”? What a bummer. Sounds like a beautiful moment.

Sherlock: Lestrade, for you I have planned about seven murder scenarios, just for the fun of it.

Lestrade: Does that mean we’re friends, then? :D

Sherlock: Don’t use that emoticon.

Lestrade: :D

Sherlock: Stop it.

Lestrade: :DD

Sherlock: For God’s sake. How old are you again?

Lestrade: :DDD

Sherlock: John, where did you last put my revolver?

Sherlock: Molly, prepare the body of Sienna Hayes for a little visit. John, where are you?

Molly: Oh, I was just on my lunch break

Sherlock: Come on, you know no one else will let me see it.

Lestrade, tell your girlfriend that her help is invaluable in the investigation.

Molly: Oh well, when you say it like that...

Lestrade: You've already told her, see, it wasn't that hard. And she's not my girlfriend yet

Sherlock: Yet. Interesting.

Molly: You two are going to kill me.

Sherlock: John. 

Jooooohnnnn.

John: It’s lunchtime, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Your point?

John: Well, I was planning on having lunch.

Sherlock: Why do you keep using lunch as an excuse not to come? What does LUNCH mean next to the thrill of murder?

John: You sound overly excited… Greg, don’t let him drink coffee.

Lestrade: Wasn’t my choice this time. He suddenly drank from the cup I was holding and then threw it in the nearest rubbish bin.

Sherlock: Come on, John, pick up some food on the way to Barts. Surely with your expertise, seeing dead bodies doesn't make you lose your appetite, does it?

John: God, I wish I could say it does, like a normal person would.

Sherlock: Being a normal person is overrated, and I can't believe you're still trying to be one after so long living with me.

...

John: What the hell, you're right.

Sherlock: :)

John: I’m on my way but not for too long, okay? I still have work to do.

Sherlock: Whatever you say.

...

Mycroft: Sienna Hayes, you say?

Sherlock: Yes. What about her?

Mycroft: It is simply interesting. I wasn’t informed of her death. I have some files on her.

Sherlock: You weren’t informed? You need to fire some of your spies, then.

Mycroft: Oh, don’t say that word... “Spies”. It carries such bad connotations.

Sherlock: Text me what you know about her.

Mycroft: I'll just send you some files. Too busy to text.

Sherlock: Of course you are.

Molly: Hey, boys! Guess what I’ve found!

Lestrade: Sherlock’s diplomacy and tact?

Molly: Nope, not that. Sorry.

Lestrade: Shame. We’ll have to put up with him for a little longer.

Molly: Bad day with Sherlock, I’m guessing?

Lestrade: Bad day in general. I’ll tell you later.

Molly: … Any more guesses on what I’ve found?

Sherlock: Scotland Yard’s ability to properly do the jobs they’re supposedly more than qualified for?

Molly: Wouldn’t you sort of... not have a job if it weren’t for the fact they don’t have it?

Sherlock: You make admittedly good points sometimes, Molly.

Molly: Oh! Thank you. Any more guesses? No?

John: A day when there is not a pissing contest taking place in this group chat?

Molly: Too unrealistic… Lower your expectations.

No more guesses?

Mycroft: Something literal, rather than figurative? Say yes, please. I am growing tired of these absurd guesses.

Molly: Correct!!

*sends picture*

I’ve found John and Sherlock on the news. You know, because of the lost painting, the exhibition. Well, the formerly lost painting, haha. But yeah, look how nice! “The Hero of the Reichenbach”!

John: Oh. Hadn’t seen that one.

Lestrade: Great, now even the news are praising you. 

Why do you two look like you’d rather be anywhere but there in the photo?

John: Because I was sick and Sherlock was worried about Adler being mysteriously gone.

Lestrade: Oh, right.

Molly: Not the best time, was it?

John: And believe me, if Sherlock’s grim prediction was right and this is the case that makes his name, I’ll be the last person to get used to his “fame”.

Mycroft: None of you were born to pose before the cameras, that is for sure and certain.

John: Does the British Government pose before cameras that a lot, is what you mean?

Sherlock: You’re all focusing on the most irrelevant of details.

Look at the second subheader.

(And ignore the first one, they call me an “amateur”).

Lestrade: “Scotland Yard embarrassed by overlooked clues”???

No we’re not!!

Sherlock: You should be, though. You do see how the fact that you’re not makes it worse.

Mycroft: The article is certainly right in that you have gained a cult following.

It’s very surprising.

And it is certainly reminiscent of a cult.

John: You know what’s scary? The huge increase of visits in my blog. And even Sherlock’s website, despite how useless it is. He better not become a celebrity.

Sherlock: My website is only useless to those whose brains are already too full with things like… what the weather will be like tomorrow, and what terrible joke that you found on the Internet you should tell your mates over drinks.

Lestrade: Are you trying to tell me that the jokes I told you all on weekiversary Sunday were bad??

Sherlock: Hmmmmmm... Yes.

John: He’s got sort of a point.

Lestrade: John! I thought you were on my side!

John: Sorry.

Molly: Sorry Greg but, yeah.

Lestrade: You too???

Molly: Can I be honest with you?

Lestrade: Please do go ahead.

Molly: Stop looking up jokes on Facebook. You’re naturally witty. You can be funny without help.

Lestrade: It wasn’t even on Facebook.

But thank you.

…

…

Molly: So, about that bad day?

Lestrade: Oh yeah, well.

Sherlock made it worse by being rude to everyone, of course, but besides that… fuck, we almost had the bloody psychos.

John: Careful, Greg. Wasn’t Mrs. Hudson telling you to “watch your language” once enough for you?

Lestrade: “Watch your language, young man”. Don’t forget that. The first time I’ve been called “young man” in years. Bless Mrs. Hudson… But frankly, fuck that.

Molly: Who did you almost have, the tattoo gang?

Lestrade: Yeah. Well, only three of them. Two of them got away and the third one, you wouldn’t believe it. We were about to arrest him.

Molly: What happened?

Sherlock: He killed himself. In the police car. With a concealed blade that I was just pointing out to Lestrade.

Lestrade: Sherlock was barely done talking about how there was a blade somewhere along the creases of his shirt collar, or whatever, when the bloke stick the blade in his neck and… yeah.

John: Carotid artery. Quick and accurate.

Molly: Oh, wow.

Lots of blood in the car seats then, right?

Lestrade: And here I thought Sherlock was the only weirdo pointing that out. Yes, lots of blood.

Not that you’re a weirdo, Molls.

Molly: It’s ok, maybe I am a little bit of a weirdo,  aren’t we all weirdos here.

Mycroft: How could you let that happen? Isn’t the police meant to thoroughly check the person’s body before an arrest?

Lestrade: Gladly here comes the expert! We checked, thank you, but we’re talking about a blade that Sherlock didn’t notice at first glance.

John: Go figure.

Mycroft: Quite an unsuccessful day, though, isn’t that right?

Sherlock: We found out more than you'd think. In fact, it was interesting enough that John didn't go back to work.

Mycroft: Did you make any use of the information I sent you?

Sherlock: Yes.

Mycroft: No “thank you”?

Sherlock: What did you expect?

Molly: So... Mrs. Hudson told you to watch your language, Greg?

John: She did. When Lestrade took Sherlock and us home in the police car (not the one with the bloody seats. Another one).

Lestrade: I was calm all the way there up until I dropped you guys off… Don’t know what happened.

John: Yeah, you went crazy.

Sherlock: Picture it if you will, Molly: police car parked right in front of 221B. Mrs. Hudson gets out to scold us for “being so late”, and sees an angry Lestrade who's kicking his own car tyres and who happens to yell out “FUCK” at the top of his lungs at that exact moment. She responds with the aforementioned quote: “Watch your language, young man!”, and Lestrade's face immediately escalates down from rage to a mix of confusion and fear.

Molly: Haha, I love Mrs. Hudson.

Lestrade: I was going to say  there wasn’t fear in my face but honestly… who isn’t a little bit afraid of Mrs. Hudson?

Apart from Sherlock.

Sherlock: Oh, no, I fear her sometimes too.

Lestrade:  Good, strangely reassuring.

So what do you suggest we do next in regard to the tattoo gang?

Sherlock: Well, we have three deceased gang members: Daniel Reer, Sienna Hayes and blade bloke.

John: You know he has a name, right? We know his name.

Sherlock: I know. I just like the sound of “blade bloke”.

What we know is the following:

All three went rogue some time before dying. Daniel Reer started stalking a girl (the man who was posing as whose father showed up at our flat). Sienna Hayes refused to obey orders to kill a woman. Blade bloke had many disagreements with his tattoo cult partners, as we (John, Lestrade) could see before they realized we were watching them (Lestrade’s fault) and started running away.

Equally interesting, of course, is that while anagram man had almost completely got his tattoo forehead removed, Hayes had made arrangements to start the same process and both of their deaths were obviously suicides.

Lestrade: Firstly, it wasn’t my fault, secondly, what do you mean “obviously suicides”, and lastly, since when do we know ALL that?

Sherlock: Right. Correction: I do.

John: So… blade bloke and anagram man, what’s Sienna Hayes’s nickname gonna be?

Molly: Why would he give them nicknames?

John: Well, obviously, Molly, they’re affectionate nicknames. Clearly he’s formed an emotional attachment with them.

Molly: From what? Seeing them dead?

John: He’s Sherlock. He talks to a skull when I’m not home.

And sometimes he can’t tell Billy and I apart.

But seriously Sherlock, what do you mean they’re obviously suicides?

Sherlock: Have you and Lestrade even paid attention? What were you doing when we were investigating this?

Let’s see. Sienna Hayes died on a car accident from her workplace to her house, a path she obviously was more than familiar with, by crashing into a parked car, no drugs or alcohol in her body. And she didn’t have her seatbelt on.

Lestrade: And we established that 1) a lot of people forget to put on their seatbelt, 2) yes that was weird, but we also established the several reasons why that could have happened, so...

Sherlock: Right, it’s so low-effort to assume a coincidence is the cause for everything. The universe is rarely so lazy.

Mycroft: Wise quote.

Sherlock: Forgive me, a coincidence and a couple of reasons, yes. I remember the two most popular ones: she saw “a squirrel or something” cross the road and she suffered from a sudden, medically unexplainable loss of vision. Clever thinking, NSY.

Now that we mention that one brilliant theory. John, you remember what Hayes’s day job was, right?

John: Worked at a bank, right?

Sherlock: I have a nickname for her.

John: Oh yeah?

Sherlock: The Blind Banker.

John: Come on.

Mycroft: Dear God.

Lestrade: Oh, I get it. like the title of your blog post, John. Your second case. Ha, ha.

John: Awful, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Oh come on, it's a bit funny.

Not going to admit it, are you?

Moving on then.

Daniel Reer’s day job: high-rise window washer. Twenty years doing his profession and he falls to his death (from a quite ridiculous height considering what he’s used to) not because a cable got loose or his platform broke down or it was windy (checked the weather at the time of his death. Not windy at all), but because he simply… fell.
If you can call a death ridiculous, both of these deaths were exactly that.

John: Just so you know, Sherlock, the only reason that comment is acceptable is that we’re talking about criminals, but normally you wouldn’t mock a person’s death.

Mycroft: And you said it wasn’t your job to scold him.

John: Shut up.

Okay, so let’s say they died… on purpose. Why?

Sherlock: Oh, come on, can’t you just think? I tried to make this easy for you two!

...

John: You’re saying they went rogue, then decided to get their tattoos removed, then died.

Sherlock: Yes, although Hayes’ death was definitely more improvised.

John: I’m not going to bother asking how you know that.

Okay, so they did something wrong… according to criminal standards, and feared what the rest of the creepy tattoo cult would do to them as punishment… so they just decided to try to erase all evidence that they even belonged to the cult, and then committed suicide because they had no other way out, they were running away? And… Sienna was forced to kill herself sooner than she expected?

Sherlock: Good, John. One point for the oftentimes bright doctor/blogger, zero points for the Detective Inspector.

Lestrade: Hey, I was typing!

Sherlock: Anyway, three very interesting individuals. We have barely looked into their backgrounds. Time to investigate further, don’t you think? That's what we're doing next.
In the meantime, Lestrade, I hope your team makes decent advances in the other case. The Bulgarians. By which I mean they’ll probably be running around like headless chickens next time I see them.

Lestrade: I see you’re working on being optimistic.

Sherlock: It’s just called making a safe bet.

Molly: I thought Daniel Reer was following orders.

Sherlock: Sorry?

Molly: Daniel Reer, you said he went rogue and started stalking that girl. I thought he stalked her because he was following orders from the tat gang.

Sherlock: Oh, thank you, someone’s asking good questions, look at this, you two.

Yes, John and I assumed the same thing when we started looking into the case.

But the little villainous speech the tattoo people gave us (while pointing guns at us, like John likes to remark) revealed otherwise. Daniel Reer stalked that woman for no apparent reason. And he did so recklessly exposing the identity of the tattoo cult in the process.

The victim of all the stalking told us he left messages that implied the entire gang was after her so she’d better watch out, and sometimes Reer would just paint the same symbol that was tattooed on his forehead on her windows, with what looked like blood (it was punch, corn syrup and red food colouring).

Anyway, he exposed the tattoo cult, and they hadn’t even given him orders to stalk the girl, so that’s why they wanted to punish him - sounded quite angry when they revealed to us that as they had just found out, Daniel Reer was already dead. Which, now that it is almost certain that both him and Sienna Hayes were running away from the consequences of their actions, makes me fantasize about what kind of horrible, frightening punishment they would have been subjected to if they hadn’t taken their own lives.

John: Sorry, did you just say “fantasize”?

Sherlock: Wonder. It makes me wonder what kind of punishment they would have gotten.

Lestrade: And doesn’t it make you wonder why Reer could have wanted to stalk that girl? He used to leave her creepy messages, right? Threats.

Sherlock: Yes, threats that no one could decipher, but then again, most people are stupid and I didn’t have time to take a look.

Lestrade: Okay. But why did you think he threatened her?

Sherlock: I have my own theory, but I prefer not to say it aloud or even think about it; I’m working on deleting it, but it keeps popping up in my brain.

Lestrade: What?

Sherlock: It’s a mistake to theorize when you don’t have enough information. When we get hung up on baseless theories, we tend to adjust the reality to our hypotheses, rather than adjusting our hypotheses to the reality.

Molly: Ok… So just to see if I follow. In the tattoo gang, if you go a little off-script and decide to do your own villainous thing, like harassing a random girl, you’re given a terrible enough punishment that you’d rather kill yourself?

Sherlock: Looks like it.

John: They’re creepy folks. Loyalty or death, it seems.

Sherlock: That’s why I call them the tattoo cult.

Molly: I see. Scary!

Lestrade: Cool, alright. So tomorrow we’ll find out more.

What a long day. Can’t wait to have dinner and relax.

John: You should’ve taken Mrs. Hudson’s offer to stay for dinner.

Sherlock: John! It’s not always Lestrade makes good choices, don’t ruin it.

John: Sherlock…

Sherlock: Yeah, I know. Being rude. Ooookay.

Molly: Mrs. Hudson invited Greg to stay for dinner? She’s so lovely!

Lestrade: As lovely as she is frightening. I would’ve said yes if it weren’t for our date.

Sherlock: I didn’t think you meant it when you said you had somewhere else to be. Yet another date with Molly?

Lestrade: Happens sometimes when you really enjoy someone’s company. Gladly I did have somewhere else to be, because I definitely don’t enjoy yours.

See you tomorrow. Have to get ready.

Molly: That’s two of us! Talk later, guys.

He doesn’t really mean it, you know, Sherlock. He enjoys your company sometimes.

Sherlock: I don’t really care.

Molly : Sure, you don’t.

John: Enjoy yourselves.

Molly: Thanks John!

Tell Mrs. Hudson we would both love to take up on her offer some other time, as long as it includes me haha. She really is so nice, it'd be lovely seeing her again.

John: Sure, I'll tell her.

“John”.

Status: Online.

John: Been an exciting day, hasn’t it?

Sherlock: You remember you used to complain about ME texting YOU while both of us were in the flat, right?

John:  Ah, it’s rubbed off on me. Dammit.

Looks like you always get what you want, Sherlock.

Sherlock: If that were true, more than five hundred people would drop dead right now.

John: Right. Anyway. I meant that you ended up making me skip work.

Sherlock: Oh, that. Predictable success. You haven’t stopped loving the thrill of solving cases since your first day in Baker Street, you know. You’re easy to convince when it comes to that.

John: Never as much as you.

Sherlock: Of course not. Fortunately for you. At least one of us has to be a little sane at certain times.

John: Right, sanity. Sometimes I question mine.

You know, I’d like to reiterate what I said earlier about how I wish I was a normal person.

And I bet you’d like to reiterate what you said in response.

Sherlock: And I’d like to reiterate what I said in response.

… We literally sent these texts within the same millisecond. Chilling.

John: You’re predictable too.

Sherlock : Well, that’s fine.

John: Is it? How come?

Sherlock: It's okay when it's you who can predict my moves.

John: Aren’t you supposed to be cool, mysterious Sherlock Holmes?

Sherlock: Am I?

John: That’s what I see.

I mean, that’s what I see you trying to do.

To be.

Sherlock: Well, I would say that normally, when they’re not telling me to piss off, people are more impressed by my intellectual abilities than by my… air of mystery.

Or by my cheekbones, or the way I turn my coat collar up.

John: Oh shut up about that.

Sherlock: You’re the one who said I do that.

John: You do it!

Sherlock: And you notice.

...

John: Okay, whatever. Come out of the room, I’ve ordered food. It’s from a new place, so they don’t know this address. Won’t refuse to deliver here.

Sherlock: Ugh. Too much work.

John: What, leaving the room?

Sherlock : Yes.

John: Oh come on, stop sulking. 

Sherlock: I'm not sulking. 

John: You sure? 

Not upset about The Woman anymore?

Sherlock: No.

John: But you were. 

Upset. 

Before. 

Sherlock: What are you trying to say? 

I was disappointed by what she did. 

John: And?

Sherlock: And, what? 

John: And what else? 

Sherlock: Well, you were right.

John: Really?

Sherlock: I don't take it well. Being outsmarted. She was cleverer than me. It was my fault that I underestimated her. Is that what you wanted me to say? 

John: I don't know what I wanted you to say. 

...

Okay, I'll stop talking about her.

Sherlock: Okay. 

John: Dinner, then? 

Sherlock: No, still too much work.

John: Seriously?!

Sherlock: Yes.

John : Don’t be like that, just come out.

Sherlock : Make me.

John : Excuse me?

Alright, whatever you want.

Sherlock: Your steps sound different when you’re pissed. It’s quite funny.

You know, “pissed”. That’s a stair down from “actually angry”, but a stair up from “annoyed, but in the amused way”.

...

John: Question one, where the hell are you?

Sherlock: Good question. Your room, not mine.

John : Question two, why is that green box in your room? There was nothing in it, was there?

Alright alright, new question: WHY are you in my room?

Sherlock: Don’t worry, not snooping around. I’ve already been through the entirety of the content in your laptop and it’s all boring. I’m taking something that’s mine.

John: Is it body parts again? Please, not on my work clothes.

Sherlock: Which are your work clothes? Everything in your wardrobe is equally boring.

John: Said fashion icon Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock: Well, if the title was down to one of us…

John: Oh, what? You have a problem with my jumpers too?

Sherlock: I like your jumpers.

It IS body parts again, though. The fridge has more available space now, and these fingers need some of that cool air, so I’m taking them to the kitchen again.

John: Goddammit, Sherlock. 

Sherlock: By which I mean I’m taking them to the kitchen once you stop walking around in a pissed way.

John: I’m gonna make you come down here alright. You just wait.

Sherlock: :)

John: Don't respond to my threat with a smiley emoticon!

Sherlock: Oh, that was a threat?

John: You bet it was.

Sherlock: I’ll bet. :)))

Chapter Text

Thursday!

Molly: Good morning everyone!!!

John: Morning, Molly! You know, last night Mrs. Hudson said she'd be happy to have you over for dinner, and Greg too, whenever you want.

Sherlock: JOHN.

John: What??

Sherlock: Look at what you've done! You've broken the pattern! All to tell Molly that she can come have dinner here?! It wasn't even for good reason.

John: The pattern?

Sherlock: I know you're half asleep because you require at least five minutes to be fully aware of your surroundings in the mornings and it's only been three since you woke up, but for goodness’ sake, John, the pattern!

Mycroft: Don't get so nervous over this, Sherlock. Have you had too much coffee?

Sherlock: I have, but it has nothing to do with this.

John: The “good morning” pattern? Well I don't know, Lestrade wasn't replying, so.

Sherlock: By the way. Yes. Lestrade. Where is he?

Molly: First of all ok, someone stop Sherlock’s coffee addiction, it’s starting to worry me. Secondly that's wonderful John, tell her that's really nice of her and we'll drop by whenever you boys stop being so busy with your cases. And don't be concerned about Greg, Sherlock, he woke up a bit late and he's having a shower now

John: Oooooh, wait, what?

Sherlock: Ah, Molly, so that's why you said good morning with three exclamation marks at the end today.

Molly: Sorry?

Sherlock: Well, because you spent a fun night with Lestrade.

Molly: OK, now don’t the two of you start imagining weird things, haha

Mycroft: I honestly did not need to know so much about the personal lives of anyone other than Sherlock. This is not what I was supposed to get out of this group.

Molly: Now don't the THREE of you start imagining weird things.

Sherlock: Molly, I’m a consulting detective, you know that. You don’t try to hide the obvious when you’re dealing with me.

Molly: Oh come on, Sherlock

John: Yeah Molly, this reminds me, an old mate of his once told me that in uni he would always annoy everyone by deducing who had had sex with who the previous night.

So now that it’s obvious, what do you expect him to do?

Sherlock: He wasn’t a mate.

Mycroft: Thank God you clarified, I was about to inquire about your university dealings. You did many insane things, but make friends was not one of them.

John: Are Greg and you serious serious then, Molly?

Molly: What is “serious serious”?

John: Serious serious. The first “serious” is italicized.

Sherlock: I’d say they're about as serious as you've been able to get with your last five girlfriends, John, so no need to plan double dates.

John: Piss off.

Oh Molly, tell Greg I don't have to work today and we can basically spend the day with Sherlock investigating Anagram Man, the Blind Banker and Blade Bloke.

Those sound so awful a shudder just went down my spine. Remind me to just call them by names next time.

Molly: I'll tell him when he gets out of the shower

Who do you expect John to plan double dates with, Sherlock?

Sherlock: What?

Molly: Double dates. John. He isn’t dating any new girl, is he? So who would the double date be with?

John: No one. Don’t even mention double dates to me.

Molly: Bit traumatised?

Sherlock: Bit traumatised.

John: It’s rude to speak on my behalf.

…

Lestrade: You all go wild when I’m not here, right?

Sherlock: Yes, Lestrade; there is no doubt you are the backbone of this group chat.

Lestrade: Molls, I’m pretty sure Sherlock meant a double date with the two of them. John and Sherlock. It would be great. Maybe at 221B? Since Mrs. Hudson said she’d be willing to have us for dinner

John: We’re not a couple.

Lestrade: Sherlock spoke as if you are. He’ll be very sad to find out.

Molly: Ohhhh, that would be great though. Can we make plans?

Lestrade: Oh, let’s do it

Molly: Mrs. Hudson will be ecstatic when we tell her it’s a double date

Sherlock: Don’t tell her that. It’s just setting her up for an eventual heartbreak, which is what happened last time she thought John and I had broken up.

Molly: You have a point.

John: Okay, stop this. So, back from Molly’s shower then, Greg?

Lestrade: Yeah. I like your wording. Should I start calling your flat’s shower “Sherlock’s shower”? Would you like that?

Sherlock: Technically speaking, it’s Mrs. Hudson’s shower.

Lestrade: Okay I refuse to call it that.

Mycroft: Please, everyone: this conversation is going weird places. End it.

…

Lestrade: Is a cat a good way to end the conversation?

*sends picture*

John: Whose cat is that?

Lestrade: Molly's! His name is Toby and he bit my hand.

Molly: Isn't he a sweetie?

Sherlock: You were probably overstepping his boundaries, Lestrade.

Cute cat.

Lestrade: Sherlock… Did you just say “cute”?

Molly: He did!! Toby says thanks, Sherlock!

Lestrade: I hope everyone's screencapping, like the time he said good morning. I mean… Has he ever said the word “cute” before?

John: Not that I remember. Maybe sarcastically.

Mycroft: Not since he was seven years old. Maybe six.

Sherlock: It's not an ugly cat. What did you expect me to say?

Molly: Something more like... “Oh, that is certainly an elegant cat”.

Lestrade: “Oh, felines! Such majestic creatures”.

John: “Behold: a predator whose accurate talent for killing—worthy of admiration—you can see in his eyes…”

Lestrade: “He is now relaxing, but you can see in his gaze that he’s ready to jump at his next victim”.

Molly: “Anyone who oversteps his boundaries, he will bite the hand of with no remorse”.

John: “How fascinating!”

Sherlock: Okay. I think I get the general feeling.

…

…

…

John: Greg, you've read my message, right?

Lestrade: Yeah, I'll be at 221B to pick you two up in ten minutes.

Maybe twenty if a certain woman keeps being sweet enough to distract me.

Haha. She just read that, smiled and said “oh shut up”.

Sherlock: Thanks for the unnecessary information. Don’t pick us up, I think John and I would rather take a cab. I agreed to come in a police car yesterday, didn't enjoy the experience much.

John: Funny how you include me in your statement automatically. Didn’t I just say it’s rude to speak on my behalf?

Lestrade: Don't be scared, Sherlock, I don't think there'll be any more suicides in police cars any time soon.

Sherlock: Not as long as you don't talk too much during the ride.

Lestrade: Do I pick you up or not?

John: Please do, Sherlock always makes me pay for the taxi rides.

Lestrade: Alright.

John: So you enjoyed your dinner date, then?

Lestrade: Yeah, thank you.

John: Cool.

Lestrade: I got to take a break from murder, the company was obviously great, the food was top-notch. I do like to eat out every once in a while.

John: I’m happy for you two.

Molly: Aw… Thank you, John!

Lestrade: “Happy for you” Yeah, appropriately cocky considering you've been getting all the dates, John “three continents” Watson.

Molly: Oh my god, Greg

Mycroft: D.I., you sound like a high schooler with confidence issues.

John: Wait a second. Who told you about that nickname?

Lestrade: Nickname? What nickname? I don't seem to recall any nickname…

John: Lestrade, I swear to god... Only Mike and the rest of the gang from university know about it, have you been talking to them behind my back or what?

And Harry, she knows about it too.

Lestrade: Who? Me? Who's Harry? You have a sister?

John: I'm going to kill her.

Lestrade: Hahahaha

John: And I'm going to kill Sherlock too.

Sherlock: What did I do NOW?

John: I'm not stupid. How else would Lestrade have gotten in contact with my sister?

Mycroft: Yes. Brother, please. 

Sherlock: Fine, yes, it was me.

But kill me after I've solved all my pending cases, will you.

Molly: So… your experience of women extends over three continents, huh John?

John: You too?? Please no.

Mycroft: Did he not say “ladies” or something akin to that, instead of “women”?

John: Mycroft. PLEASE, NO.

Lestrade: So then, everyone here already knew about John’s nickname?

Sherlock: Come on, even Mrs. Hudson knows.

John: SHERLOCK!

Sherlock: John, if you murder me now, you’ll be the main suspect.

John: Maybe. But then I would stop being a suspect, and, as you say…