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Julian should have anticipated Logan expecting him as soon as he got back to Stuart house for the fall semester, not only as his prefect, but as his best friend. His best friend who he hadn’t exactly checked in on the whole knowing Julian’s in love with him thing. They had discussed just about everything else that took place that night. They hadn’t ignored each other while Julian was still in Ohio. They had helped each other as best as they could. Now that they had both taken time to reflect and recover, they were face to face again, and Julian could feel the weight of what had been left unspoken between them.
“How are you feeling today?”
This was a familiar question, one Logan had asked every day in the hospital, before he left for LA. “Fine, relatively. Certainly stronger than a few months ago.”
“I’m sure. You look better.”
After a heavy moment of stillness and a shared look of uncertainty, Julian took a steadying breath. “We’re doing this now.” It came out more as a statement of acceptance than a question.
“If you can’t, if you really can’t I understand. I still don’t want to push you. But I’m just not sure I can keep some things in any more, especially not now that you’re here again.”
He fixed Logan with a look of calculation at those words, but, with a voice smaller and more unsteady than he’d care to admit, settled on saying, “I’ll never be ready for this, but you know I’ll just keep putting it off. So I suppose it’s probably time.”
Julian moved to sit cross-legged on his bed, arms wrapped around himself protectively. Logan hesitated as if debating where to sit, but settled on the edge of the bed, keeping space between them.
Julian spoke without eye contact, “I don’t know what I can say, actually. So please go first, if you have something.”
Logan nodded and began, softly. “Julian, I just need to start with I’m sorry. You’ve got to know you’ve always mattered to me. I know, I took you completely for granted. In moments when I was the worst friend to you, you were always there anyway. I felt like I should probably just apologize for that first. I’m sorry. I want to be better to you. I want to be better for you.” Logan shifted his glance from his friend down to his hands. “But that’s obviously not the only thing I’m here to talk about. You know I try to be careful not to catch feelings for anyone straight, particularly not friends, since I’d like to keep the few I do manage to make. It’s just no good for anyone involved.”
“To be fair, none of your crushes are good for anyone involved anyway.” Julian still avoided looking directly at Logan, but his face betrayed a hint of a smirk.
“Alright, that’s deserved. Exactly,” Logan laughed, and things felt momentarily normal, which they both needed before launching into the next topic. “But I’ve been thinking that, because of this, I may have been...ignoring some things. Or even just completely oblivious to them.”
“Stop.” There it was. Julian made sure their eyes met his this time, but his face had lost all trace of humor. “I mean, the oblivious part is fine, that tracks. Just, please. Don’t do this. Don’t act like you ever thought anything of me before…then.”
“Jules, please just listen. I knew you weren’t going to believe me, but I’ve been thinking about this. Every day. It’s all I’ve been able to think about, you’ve been all I’ve been able to think about. For months. It isn’t like it just happened .”
“Maybe you think... things now that I’m suddenly an option for you, Lo.”
“Don’t act like this would happen if it were anyone else, Julian. Because it wouldn’t. It’s that it’s you. I’ve thought this through because I know you. I know you wouldn’t believe me if I had just blurted it all out in that hospital room. I couldn’t have blamed you, either. I knew that I needed to be sure, and that you would need time either way. And in case you brought up this very argument, I thought, what if it were Derek who confessed he loved me.”
Julian just snorted.
“I know, it’s ridiculous. Just bear with me. Even if he weren’t so god damn straight, if he were ‘an option’, I’m certain that wouldn’t make a difference as to how I feel. Strictly platonic love for that guy.”
“Alright, well I’m not saying I’m not a better catch than Derek fucking Seigerson, because I am, but why the hard no? What makes me different, pray tell?”
“Okay, look at it this way. Could you ever fall in love with him?”
“No, not that there’s a chance in hell of him being in love with me, either.”
“Isn’t that what you thought about me, though? Didn’t seem to stop you then.”
“Shut up. It’s just Derek , okay? You’re not here to listen to me list off reasons I’m not in love with Derek.”
“Fine, my point being ,” Logan rolled his eyes. “That for likely those same reasons, I wouldn’t fall in love with him, either. Under any circumstances. Insufferably heterosexual or not.”
He couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at that. Stupid that he can still make me laugh even now , Julian thought.
“So now that we’re in agreement that I actually do have standards, I can get into why you’re different. Much different. And those are the reasons I am here to list off.”
Julian still wanted to look anywhere but at the boy in front of him. He wanted to be in any other time or place than this moment, yet he was drawn into those eyes anyway. What he saw nearly broke him. He saw fire, not the unbridled flame of Logan’s anger, though equally intimidating. No, this was a more focused, intense burning, soft but wild. It had been so long since Julian had experienced the force of Logan’s emotions, and this was one he never thought could be directed at him. But it was. And his heart felt like it could burst. His hands shook. He wanted more than any other point in his life to run. But he was frozen, shocked but curious, so Logan pressed on.
“There’s the way you act so god damn pretentious but give so much compassion to the people you care about when you think nobody's watching. How you’re always there for Derek and I, even when you can’t physically be there. How you brighten every room. How I feel when I’m close to you. How it feels to have you across the country after all we’ve been through. How it felt thinking I might never see you smile again. How you know how to hurt me or how to calm me down better than I know myself. How stubborn you are, how you drive me fucking insane sometimes, but how it just makes me care about you that much more. So I just have to have been mistaking the way you’ve made me feel all this time because I can’t possibly be falling for you this fast, after years of not ever thinking of you romantically, unless there are actually some preexisting repressed feelings there after all, right?”
“Logan, Logan please. You don’t have to say that, alright?”
“I do have to say it, Julian. I can’t keep it to myself any longer.” He reached out for one of Julian’s hands.
“No.” Julian put his hands up defensively. “I don’t need your pity, or whatever this is. It’s really alright, Lo. Forget it. You don’t have to do this, but I still want you in my life. If you need me to leave again, though, if it’s too weird, of course I understand.”
Logan sighed and took Julian’s face between his hands. “Jules. Do you still love me?”
A small, bitter laugh escaped from Julian at the question. He couldn’t, however, get any words out. He still couldn’t say it after all this time. He settled for nodding almost imperceptibly, feeling that his award-winning acting skills were failing him today.
“Good. Because I’ve found that I’m falling in love with you, too.”
Julian felt like he couldn’t breathe. “You can’t be serious, Logan.”
“Guess I have to show you just how serious I am.”
Before Julian realized what was happening, Logan had closed to distance between them and kissed him. Just like that, after three long years, Logan Wright was actually kissing him. Every one of his nerves were lit by Logan’s wildfire, and his heart felt such happiness that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. It was almost too much.
When they pulled apart, Logan released his hold on his face. Julian covered his mouth with his hands, partly in shock and partly to attempt to hide any ridiculous smiling. He blinked at Logan while he attempted to breathe normally.
Logan only stared back at him until he finally let out an “ Oh ,” under his breath.
Julian, still in disbelief, couldn’t help but wonder if Logan was having second thoughts. “What is it?”
“Is that what it’s always supposed to feel like?”
The incredulous, earnest look in those pretty eyes as he spoke those words was enough, at least for a moment, for Julian to believe, and for him to pull Logan back in for a kiss. He was much more prepared for this time. It still felt as good, as if everything was finally right in his soul, and just when he was starting to think nothing could stop this kiss, the door swung open.
“Jules! Why didn’t you tell me you were -”
“Oh, sorry Derek. I’ve been...preoccupied.”
“You...you two…”
“Are you crying, D?”