Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Davis stepped up to the vendor, ordering a hot dog while glancing around furtively. What Mrs. Luthor could possibly want with some bubbly blonde reporter he didn’t know, but he wasn’t planning on asking. He had a lot on the line, and her offer made this one small mission worth it. He didn’t have to do much, just get close enough. Luthor had promised that it wouldn’t do any permanent damage, so he’d accepted.

There she was, on her way towards to Catco building. She held a coffee tray in one hand, and a notepad in the other. Grabbing the proffered hot dog, he casually moved in behind her as she passed by. He fingered the device with his free hand nervously.  He sped up, and purposefully brushed it against her hand lightly. She paused mid-step for half a second, barely a hesitance, but his breath caught. She continued on as before, and his breath released. Done. That was all there was too it. Keeping up his brisk pace, he left her behind, and never looked back.

Kara headed for James’ office with the coffee tray in hand. She stopped at Eve’s desk, offering her the extra cup she was carrying. “Good morning Eve. How are you doing?” Kara greeted with a smile, adding jokingly, “James isn’t pushing you too hard is he?”

The bubbly assistant grinned back, taking the proffered beverage. “No Ms. Zor-El, and I’m doing just great!” She winked. “You’re a bit late. Better get in there before he starts shouting for Kira.”

Icy fear shot through her, and she stared, dumbfounded, as Eve giggled. “What did you just say?” she forced out.

The smile slipped from Eve’s face. She cocked her head, and said, “You’re a bit late? I’m sorry, was that too familiar of me?”

Kara shook her head, urgently clarifying, “No. Um, I meant, what did you call me?”

“Ms. Danvers?”

Kara’s spiking heartrate slowed. Oh . Why on earth had she thought Eve, of all people, would call her Ms. Zor-El? Her mind must have been playing a trick on her. Shaking her head, she tried to reassure Eve. “Oh. Sorry, I thought you said something else. Plus, haven’t I asked you to call me Kara?”

Eve nodded, the smile reforming, albeit confusedly. Fiddling with her hands, Kara continued into the office. The spooky incident had spiked her adrenaline. Taking in a deep breath, she released it slowly and let a smile expand on her face. James looked over as soon as she came in and smiled in greeting as Snapper Carr continued addressing everyone.

As soon as Snapper Carr took notice of her though, he addressed her mockingly, “Oh, Danvers, so glad you could join us. As a reward for your stellar punctuality, you get the closing animal shelter downtown. “

Kara brightened. Oh she knew I was supposed to be a punishment, but that animal shelter really mattered to her. She volunteered there on some weekends. Maybe if she got the word out it could help save it, or find the animals homes at the very least. “Yes sir.”

He rolled his eyes. “Kevin, you get the Lord Tech interview…”

Kara searched her bag for her notebook, so she could write anything important down, but when she looked back up, Snapper looked kind of… fuzzy? Yep, his shape was looking less and less out of focus. She rubbed her eyes. What the heck? Everything else looked just as crystal clear as it usually was, but even his voice was becoming muffled. A glance at everyone else’s faces confirmed she was the only one experiencing the strange phenomenon. Making sure to keep herself from straight up gaping at him, she thought hard about possible causes. Nothing about this made sense.

“Kiera? Keira!”

“Oh, yes?”

She turned away from the blurry man to look straight into the eyes of Cat Grant. She stepped back in surprise, but one blink later James Olsen stood back in her place. Something was seriously wrong.

“Kara, are you ok? You’re looking really pale.”

James’ worry was apparent, and not without just cause. Supergirl did not just turn really pale out of nowhere. But just as quickly as it had come, everything had gone back to normal. Snapper looked fine, and she’d stopped hallucinating.  She seemed fine now. Maybe her exhaustion had gotten to her for a moment. She could handle whatever it was for now, and she’d head to the DEO for a checkup later if it continued. So she assured him nothing was wrong, and the meeting continued with no further incidents.

The next incident didn’t happen until later, when she sat down to work on the article. It seemed she had barely started when she looked at the clock to see 4 hours had passed, and the screen in front of her showed a full, complete article that she had no memory of writing. Kara blinked. Reading through the magical article brought no familiarity, aside from the fact that it sounded exactly like her. Ok, she definitely needed to go to the DEO now. She stood abruptly, and headed to the elevator, darkness swirling on the edges of her vision. She staggered into a see through James on her way.

“Woah, Kara. What’s going on with you today?” he groaned, still aching from their collision.

She clung to him, the dark swirls growing and in a world that felt like it was collapsing around her. “Somethings very wrong with me. I need Alex.”

He said something in reply, but she ability to understand him faded. She found herself being pulled the rest of the way to the elevator, but it was difficult to tell with all her senses shutting down around her. Then she was gone.

Silence greeted her as she came into awareness. She hadn’t experienced anything close to quiet since she’d arrived on earth. Everything, from her own breath to the dog in the other side of town, flooded her ears constantly. One might think the silence would have been relieving, but to Kara it was panic inducing. She strained her ears, hoping to hear anything, but searching for something very specific. Where was Alex’s heartbeat? Winn’s? Anyone’s?

Nothing.

Her eyes snapped open, but it did the opposite of help. Black nothingness surrounded her. She blinked frantically, hoping something would change, but it didn’t. Pushing her arms outward, they didn’t even fully extend before hitting the insides of the pod. She ran her hands over the whole surrounding surface desperately, but all she felt were overwhelmingly close walls on all sides. She couldn’t even try to pretend to be calm. The darkness, the tiny pod… the silence; this was the phantom zone from her memories, cut off from everyone and everything she'd ever known.

No. Nonononono.

Her thoughts scrambled, registering nothing beyond pure terror. Was the descent back into the terrified child who spent decades here really so quick? Or had she never even left in the first place. The doubt had occurred to her before. She couldn’t deny it.  The question, was Earth really real? Could she have really been so lucky as to be taken in by the Danvers? To be a superhero, saving the world time and time again after her own world was destroyed? Or was it all the dream of a desperate, traumatized girl who couldn’t handle reality, stuck in an endless void with little else to do but dream?

The day had been so crazy, as if the dream was ending, finally collapsing after so many years. Stop. She couldn’t go down that road. Alex was real. Her sister was not a figment of her imagination. Her breath came in quick spurts as she tried to reign the panic in and focus on the problem at hand. She needed to figure out how she’d gotten here, and what had truly happened. Last thing she remembered before the day had started falling apart was coming into work in the morning with a muffin for Eve. Wait… a coffee.

She’d forgotten. Already, the finer details were slipping away like the morning after a good dream. Except, no peace came with this wakeup call. She had to think harder, how could she have possibly traveled thousands of miles to the phantom zone in an instant? Black Mercy This reminded her of waking up in her old room back on Krypton and having her memories slowly slip away. Whatever had caused this had to be some kind of reverse Black Mercy, instead of her greatest desire, it created her greatest fear. Ok, she’d just have to hold onto her memories tighter this time.

The best way to stick things in your brain, besides writing, is to say them out loud, so she started talking, “I am Kara Danvers. I have a sister named Alex Danvers who loves me. I have friends named Winn Schott, Lena Luthor, and James Olsen. I am Supergirl and I save people on Earth. – “

What if the black mercy was just another dream that mixed with this one? What if it’s really not real?

Kara screamed behind gritted teeth, clutching her head, as if that could force the thought out, and continued her chant stubbornly. “I have cousin named… Kal-El. He had another name. What was it? What was it?!  Urgh. I am Kara Zor-El. I have a loving sister named Alex Danvers. My best friends are Winn, Lena, and James. I am … a superhero named… Kara Zor-El. I have a loving sister named Alex Danvers. I have three amazing friends.”

The dark nothingness and silence of the zone tugged at her memories, pushing feelings of despair and hopeless grief in their place. But Kara held on to her memories of Alex tightly, keeping the image of her dark red/brown hair and loving brown eyes firmly in the forefront of her mind.

Soon she was left chanting the same phrase over and over, “I am Kara Zor-El and my sister Alex loves me.”

Kara chanted that phrase for a very long time before it dissolved into pure sobs. She couldn’t move in the restricting pod, forever trapped. But the silence… the silence. She’d spent years hearing anything and everything. She’d developed coping mechanisms by focusing on her family’s heartbeats. Proving to herself that she wasn’t alone, drowning out the rest of the world and just breathing in their very existence. That relief had been snatched away, leaving her floundering in an endless, unchanging void.

You can only scream and cry for so long before all that’s left is oppressive despondency. She watched as the darkness swirled, and as what originally seemed like nothing revealed itself to be almost alive. Light did not exist in the phantom zone, yet somehow she could see it, could feel it all around.

The silence left her alone with her thoughts, with thoughts of Krypton, of Alex, and of the many other dreams she had had in the phantom zone. Sometimes she wondered if even Krypton had been real, or if she had simply always been a part of the phantom zone. Sometimes she could almost hear, on the edges of her consciousness, the whispers of those long gone. Of those who’d never even existed. She heard the voice of Alex pleading for her to come back.

Wait… her voice was getting louder. A bright light burst though, and the phantom zone melted around her, transforming into a sterile lab. Kara shot up, hands outstretched as far as they would go. The light burned her eyes, but she didn’t dare close them, afraid of returning to the eternal darkness that imprisoned her.

The blurry form of Alex swam into view. “Oh, thank Rao! I was so scared!”

Alex pulled Kara into a tight hug that she could barely feel. That seemed strange. In most dreams, she could feel things. She remembered the hug her mother had held her in before her planet exploded, and she remembered the love she had felt, but also the fear. She wondered if that had been a dream as well.

Chapter Text

When James showed up at the DEO carrying Kara in his arms, Alex’s heart stopped. Her little sister was sobbing hysterically. The only thing marginally comprehensible was Alex’s name being repeated over and over. She sprinted towards them as ice flooded her veins. Grabbing Kara out of his arms, she grunted under the effort of carrying the grown woman, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that her sister needed her.

“Kara?! Kara, what’s wrong? It’s ok, I’m right here. Please Kara, I-“

“She can’t hear you,” his melancholy voice interrupted her.

Her head snapped towards James, glare in place. “Explain yourself. What happened? What’s wrong with her?”

He shook, standing like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. “I don’t know!”

She flinched back in surprise at the shout.

“Look, she was acting all weird all day. Seemed sort of out of it, and she became really pale during the meeting this morning. But she brushed off my questions, said she was fine. But then later she just sort of ran into me, and collapsed. She told me that something was wrong and she needed you. We didn’t even make it to the elevator before she went all stiff and stopped responding. She’s not unconscious, she’s been mumbling a bunch of stuff, screaming, but she’s doesn’t seem aware of us.”

They needed to get her to the med bay now. Alex shouted orders, directing agents to prepare the equipment and sun-lamps. Carrying her shaking sister towards the med-bay, she called for Brainy. His hands trembled as he set up the diagnostics, but Alex could barely see this through her watery vision. Alex laid Kara in the cot and hooked her up to the machines, Kara’s faraway eyes seeing right through her.

Alex was too panicked to be of much use, so she stayed to the sidelines for the most part. Waiting uselessly for someone else to save Kara tore at her. She should be doing something, but she had to rely on Brainy’s massive intellect that she usually trusted. When Kara was the one on the line though, that assurance disappeared. She tugged at her hair as she paced relentlessly.

What was wrong with her?

Hours passed before Brainy made a discovery. By then, Kara had stopped doing anything, just staring straight ahead with dead eyes. The quiet that flowed only amped up Alex’s stress. She sat beside Kara, holding her hand and whispering comfort, even though she never responded.

Brainy’s sudden exclamation tore through her terrified thoughts, “I’ve got it!”

Alex and James jumped up from where they had been sitting and crowded in, desperate for what news he could give them.

“If my calculations are correct, something has activated the fear center of her brain, and is causing her to hallucinate one of her worst nightmares right now.” He pointed out the correlating data on the screen.

Looking over at her practically catatonic sister, all the blood drained from her face. That was even worse than all the scenarios she had imagined, aside from Kara dying. “Can you fix it? Can you help her?”

Brainy’s face scrunched in thought. “Yes, I believe so. It should be relatively simple actually, now that I understand what exactly is happening.”

Alex’s very soul lightened at these words, and she found herself being pulled into relieved hug by James. She couldn’t help the tears that escaped her in all the emotional turbulence. They quickly put together the appropriate device, and soon, there stood Alex, holding it to her sister and sending a quick prayer to Kara’s god, Rao, before activating it.

At first, Kara didn’t even react, but after an excruciating pause where Alex pleaded for her sister to wake up, her brows furrowed and she shot up out of nowhere. Alex just barely avoided receiving a concussion, dodging Kara’s head just in time.

Relief flooded her. “Oh thank Rao! I was so scared!” she exclaimed, pulling Kara into the tightest hug possible. Kara didn’t react. As soon as this registered, she pulled back and grabbed her face, checking her over. Kara’s eyes looked almost as dead as before, except now they followed her movement. “Kara?’ she started softly, “Can you understand me?”

Kara cocked her head to the side. “Of course I can understand you Alex.”

The tears fell freely, and Alex pulled her right back into a hug, laughing. “Good. That’s good.”

Alex at by her sister’s side, clutching her hand through all the tests they had to go through to see if everything had returned to normal, or if there were any side effects. Kara was rather subdued, speaking only when spoken to and sitting painfully still. She didn’t even squeeze Alex’s hand back, only smiling occasionally in her direction.

Alex didn’t know what to do. The massive trauma that Kara must have undergone, she wanted to be there for her, but Kara had yet to say anything about it. She didn’t seem the emotional wreck that Alex had expected. She just didn’t seem completely there, and that terrified Alex far worse than a hysterical Kara ever could have. She was going to seriously hurt whoever had done this to her.

She wanted to help her, and they needed to talk about whatever had happened, but it couldn’t be at the DEO. It needed to be somewhere more comfortable and private. As soon as the tests finished, Alex ushered Kara home.

“How about we order some postickers and pizzas?” she said as she opened the apartment door.

The attempt to uplift her spirits feel short, as, instead of responding, Kara brushed past her, spinning slowly as if taking in the view. Eyes wide, she whispered just loud enough for her to hear, “It feels like home.”

Alex laughed through the twinge of worry that statement brought, “Of course it feels like home silly. This is your home.”

Alex gently tugged on Kara’s arm to attempt to guide her to the couch, but she didn’t budge an inch, still gazing around the room in wonder. She tugged harder. “Kara.”

Kara finally took notice of the situation and allowed herself to be led, sitting down beside her and giving Alex her full attention with a gentle smile. Alex grasped her sisters hands, staring intently into her eyes. “Kara, you know it’s ok to not be ok right now right? Brainy explained what happened. Please talk to me.”

Kara’s face scrunched in confusion. “What do you mean? I am feeling content. This dream is very pleasant.” Alex’s grip slackened in shock, so Kara took the opportunity to gesture around them. “I have a home, a loving sister, Kal-El is alive an- “

Alex urgently interrupted, “This isn’t a dream. You were forced to experience one of your worst fears. Whatever you went through, it wasn’t real. This is. What do you think happened Kara?”

Her gentle smile slipped away, a dark look replacing it. “I woke up.”

“What?”

She twisted her hands together agitatedly. “Why does it matter so much to you? The only way to escape it is to dream. Why should I waste them dwelling on it?”

“Escape what?”

Kara’s agitation markedly amped up at the continued questioning and her forced calm fell apart. She shot up, turning on Alex. “From the phantom zone! Where else?!” Her hands jerked around as she explained, an intense glint in her eyes. “From the emptiness, loneliness, the silence.”

Alex sat speechless. The phantom zone… She’d imagined some death, maybe something like Red Kryptonite, but the phantom zone? Kara’s greatest fear was being trapped in the phantom zone? That just didn't make sense. Kara never talked about her experience there, and for years, Alex had assumed that she had slept through it, that there was nothing to talk about. But, then comments here and there had started to add up, contradicting that assumption; comments such as the one made to Astra about going insane in the infinite blackness.

Alex had never registered the true implications of those hints of at least partial awareness. But it still made no sense. She didn’t understand how it could even compare with hurting people, or loved ones dying. That didn’t sound like her loving sister. Kara would easily sacrifice herself, even to an eternity in the phantom zone to save any one of them.

“I don’t understand. I -”

I woke up. She’d said she thought she’d woken up, that this was a dream. All the pieces abruptly came together in her mind. She wasn’t afraid of getting trapped in the phantom zone. She was afraid she was already there, that all this was just the work of her imagination.

“Oh, Kara. ” Alex stood up and hugged her sister for the umpteenth time that day, a sob working its way up her throat. Had she always felt this way? It stung that she had held on to this poisonous doubt for years and hidden it from her. Pulling back, she made sure to stare directly into Kara’s eyes. “This is REAL Kara Danvers. You are my sister, and there’s no escaping that. I am not made up.” Kara’s gaze shifted away. “Look at me. You escaped the phantom zone. Do you really think an idealized dream world would give you this Clark, and my dumb self? I make too many stupid mistakes to be a good sister, but you love me anyway.”

Kara’s wide eyes filled with tears and her face contorted in anger. “Don’t you dare say that about yourself Alex! You are an amazing sister! You’re the one that has given me the strength and guidance when things get rough. I love you, flaws and all. -” Kara jerked back. “I… I don’t know what to believe right now. How can I trust all this? Even Black Mercy felt real. In fact it felt more so, because I could actually feel.” She squeezed Alex’s hand, hard. “This? I can barely feel this.”

Kara sighed, “Everything's so fragile here. So little affects me.” Her eyes closed. “You know, I used to love having my hair brushed, feeling it gently scrape my head...” She shook her head and the soft look became one of frustration. “But now I can’t even experience that simple joy, something that humans and kryptonians share, and I’m still so removed.”

“You’re right. Very little on this earth can physically affect you. But what about emotionally? What about all the experiences we’ve had together? All the arguments, the secrets shared, the breakdowns? Are those any less real?” Alex took a deep breath. “Kara, what about all our friends? Think of James’ struggle to prove himself and be a hero, and Winn and Lena’s fight to separate themselves from their families. What about love. You love so very deeply. You care about every individual in this city. I’ve seen it. You would fight tooth and nail to protect every one of them. Is that not substantial? Don’t give up on hope. I know there is nothing I can do to give you absolute proof. Technically, this could all be a figment of my imagination as I lay in a coma or something. There may not be a way to disway that, but there is no reason to believe it either. But you can believe and hope that this is real. Believe and trust in me Kara. Please.”

The conflict was plain to see. Alex knew Kara loved her, but she was struggling to overcome that doubt. Tears fell down her cheeks quietly as she struggled. “I want to Alex, but if it turned out I were wrong... I couldn’t handle-”

“Wait.” She put up a hand to stop her. “Let me show you something.” Gesturing for Kara to follow her, she got up and headed outside. Down on the street, she started walking in a random direction with Kara close behind, her confusion apparent. Within a few minutes of walking, seemingly aimlessly, they came across a young mother struggling with a wailing young girl. The dark bags under her eyes did nothing to hide her exhaustion. Her daughter's face shone bright red from screaming and groceries lay scattered on the ground.

Alex did nothing.

She stepped aside and watched with a warm heart as her sister rushed forward to help instantly. First she picked up the fallen food and stuffed them back in their bags, then she knelt down in front of the kid. In a soothing voice, she introduced herself, “Hi I’m Kara. What’s your name?”

The wails halted and the girl blinked wide teary eyes at her. “Sammy.”

Kara smiled at the response. “Well it’s nice to meet you Sammy. Why are you crying sweetheart? Do you have a boo-boo?”

The child stomped her foot. “No! Mommy’s making me wear this thingy,” she pointed at something behind her ear, “and it’s itchy and and it makes me look scary and I don’t like it!”

Oh. That’s unexpected.

The mother waved her hands in a desperate attempt to stop the Sammy’s words, stepping forward to pull her away. Her eyes were wide in fear, watching to see Kara’s reaction. Kara just smiled wider, and leaned closer to Sammy, mock whispering, “I have a friend who has to wear one of those. He doesn’t like it either, but he likes to make it into a really fun game. Do you want to know how to play?”

Sammy nodded excitedly, but the mother still stood hesitant, watching Kara and Alex’s every move nervously.

“He pretends he’s a secret agent, but people can’t know who he is, so he has to stay in disguise. He’s even got a cool codename, Brainy.”

All previous signs of distress were gone from the girls face as she jumped around.“Cool! I’m wanna be called Jester. Beware!” She grinned and pulled at her mother. “Come on Mommy, we’re secret agents! Bye-bye Kara!”

“Bye Sammy.” Kara stood up straight again, a lightness to her shoulders that had not been present earlier.

The mother smiled and sent a relieved thank you over her shoulder as Sammy led her forward. Alex felt full of such great love for her sister and so proud, just like she felt every time. This happened quite often when they went anywhere. Every time Kara noticed someone struggling, she couldn’t help but stop. It didn’t matter what kind of issue the person was even struggling with, be it emotional or physical, Kara found some way to brighten their spirits or fix the problem to the best of her abilities.

She spoke up, “See? That is one of my favorite things about you.” Kara looked at her confused. “You love people more genuinely than anyone else in this entire world. How did that feel?”

Switching her gaze back to the retreating figures, her sister smiled earnestly, her eyes more alive than they had been all day. “She had a light in her eyes when they left, a light I brightened. It felt really good.” Kara wrapped an arm around her shoulders in a warm side-hug that filled Alex’s heart.“It felt real.”

…

“Let’s go get some of those potstickers you mentioned.”