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KING OF COOKING
September 5th
I don’t know how to write this shit. So i’ll just get to the point. It has come to my notice that various annoying individuals discovered that I’m a goddamn amazing cook. These individuals also will NOT LEAVE ME ALONE and think they can just use me as a source of food knowledge.
Fuck no.
Here’s a fucking blog.
Take my goddamn recipes.
Leave me the hell alone.
And for the rest of you who will inevitably show up, also leave me alone.
****EDIT: Since this blog received an unnatural amount of attention - here’s an actual introduction. Bakugou Katsuki, Pro-Hero Ground Zero, Future Number One Hero, Co-Owner of Alpha Office Hero Agency with Kirishima Eijirou, Pro-Hero Red Riot.
Recipe: Pizza
Pizza has four major components. Dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings.
The first step is to make the pizza dough, unless you’re a little bitch that wimps out and gets a pre-made crust. (I’ll also point out that if you are like my shitty haired roommate and think a tortilla is an adequate substitute, you can give up and get the fuck out RIGHT NOW. You are hopeless and I have no pity).
****Edit: Kirishima wanted me to apologize here but I refuse.
In order for the dough to rise and be an actually decent fucking bread product you have to use yeast. Start the dough by putting the yeast in a bowl with some sugar and warm water. This is when the yeast activates. Yeast is a lazy fungal child and you are waking it up with a candy bar and going GET UP IT'S TIME TO EAT, BITCH. After a few minutes of mixing, the liquid will start to bubble and you know it's activated and ready to fight.
If it doesn’t bubble then one of two things happened. Either your water was too hot and you goddamn killed it, or the yeast was never alive when you put it in there. (Probably expired you idiot, check your dates).
If it does bubble, congrats you actually did something right. Add your flour and some salt. Knead that sucker until you have a dough (if you don’t know what dough looks like you shouldn't be starting here).
****Edit: Kirishima tried to make pizza dough after I posted this and I swear there was dough stuck to every goddamn surface of our kitchen. IF THE DOUGH IS TOO STICKY ADD MORE FLOUR DAMNIT
Once you have a dough, leave it in the bowl and cover it with plastic wrap. Leave it the fuck alone for at least fifteen minutes.
****Edit: YES IT WILL GET BIGGER AS IT IS RESTING. IT IS NOT MORPHING INTO A MONSTER. DO NOT CALL ME AT WORK.
It’s done. Take it out and put it on a pan.
****Edit: A GREASED pan. This shit is common sense what the HELL.
Make the crust by flattening the dough into the pan. The BEST way to do this is by starting at the edge of the dough ball and slowly spinning and pulling the dough outward until you get the right thickness.
****Edit: I cannot describe this any better. Ask Kirishima what youtube video he found - NOT the tossing one. There is STILL shit on the ceiling.
The pizza sauce is next. Do NOT think you can use a pasta sauce as a pizza sauce. They sound similar enough, but try it and you’ll have a weird tasting fucking pizza. Pizza sauce is usually uncooked, tangy, and sharper. Pasta sauce is cooked, herb-heavy, and deep. It fucks with the pizza if you swap them.
To make a pizza sauce I use a blender. This makes pizza scarce in the apartment because Kirishima uses the blender ALL THE GODDAMN TIME for his protein shakes and it's NEVER CLEAN.
****Edit: Kirishima says he’ll clean it if I want to make pizza but he’s a goddamn LIAR.
The next part is actually easy as long as you remember to put the blender lid on. Throw a can of tomato sauce, a can of whole peeled tomatoes, some sugar, and all the best pizza seasonings. (Garlic, onion powder, oregano, salt, pepper, paprika OH my GOD just read the ingredient list on ANY PIZZA SAUCE IT'S ALL THE SAME).
Blend it, put it on the dough if it’s not a disaster at this point.
Toppings and cheese come at interchangeable intervals based on preference. But if you don’t put the toppings OVER the cheese the you’re goddamn wrong.
Shredded mozzarella is the major cheese to use, with additions of parmesan, feta, asiago, romano being acceptable.
Get that cheddar out of my goddamn face.
****Edit: I am NOT explaining how to put cheese on a pizza. If you need help with this you need more help than I can provide.
********Edit: Yes, Pikachu, that includes you.
Toppings also have options and preferences. However any more than four and your pizza will NEVER be classy.
The best choices are to include a meat, vegetable, and a second vegetable
For example pizza topping perfection could be:
Pepperoni, mushrooms, and onions.
Sausage, onion, and green peppers.
Bacon, olive, and mushroom.
Put your ACCEPTED toppings all over the pizza, spread that shit out. If you leave it all in a pile in the center of the pizza and there aren’t any at the edges, you are trash and will regret your life choices.
Bake your spectacular (if you followed my instructions properly) pizza in the oven at around 45 degrees for at least 10 minutes. If your oven thermometers lies to your face then you might need to bake it longer. Don’t listen to your timer or your goddamn lying thermometer. Check the crust. If its squishy its NOT DONE.
The pizza is done.
Eat your goddamn pizza.
If you failed miserably, order delivery. Do NOT call me.
Un-Sincerely,
Bakugou Katsuki, King of Cooking.
P.S. If you like pineapples on your pizza you are straight TRASH.
****Edit: Kirishima is straight TRASH.
*******Edit: Kirishima would like to correct that he is GAY TRASH.
*************Edit: Kirishima GET THE FUCK OFF MY COMPUTER.
********************************Edit: CAUGHT YOU BITCH!!!
COMMENTS (574)
RRiot33: Like this comment if you want a section for Kirishima to write what he thinks!!!!!!
[Show] Likes (245) Dislikes (32)
REDRIOT: I was not successful at this recipe but Bakugou gave me a lot of good tips after I got the dough off the walls!
Deku: This is great Kachaan! I love that you’re sharing your cooking skills with everyone!
REPLIES
GroundZero: Deku get the FUCK off my blog.
Pinky: HAHAHAHA
GroundZerosWife231: Oh my god. This is the BEST.
REPLIES
GroundZero: Someone tell me how to block this thing.
Cellophane: The ‘ZA!
HawksGurl56: What if I don’t have a blender???
Chargebolt: When are we doing taco night again?
REPLIES
REDRIOT: Dude, just text me.
CelloFAN: My crust was all lumpy :(
REPLIES:
GroundZero: Disappointment.