Chapter Text
Felix sat in the dance practice room, eyeing his friends from the back of the room, through the mirror. He watched as suddenly Hyunjin draped his arms dramatically over Changbin's shoulders. His heart twisted as Changbin wrapped his arms loosely around the other's waist. He repeated in his mind, 'it's only their skinship, that's it,". He repeated the thought over and over and over again, even as Hyunjin's soft lips collided with Changbin's lightly pink cheek. He sighed, tears threatening his eyelashes as Chan sat next to him, speaking english to make it harder for the other seven (7) to listen in. Even then, he spoke in a hushed tone. "What's wrong?" he inquired.
Felix just laughed it off, waving at him with his hand, voice deep and accent thick as he spoke, "No no no, I'm fine," he chuckled. Chan sat for a moment, staring at him. Felix couldn't take it any longer but lucky for him, Chan finally got up and walked over to Jeongin to continue whatever they were doing. Playing a board game or something while Woojin practiced high notes and Minho played around with choreography in obvious, dripping boredom.
The Australian would like to say that after seeing Changbin confidently lean down and connect his and Hyunjin's lips, he felt fine. He'd like to say he stayed in place, smiling and congratulating them like Woojin did. He'd like to say he stayed and teased them like Seungmin and Minho. He'd like to say he gave them supportive high fives and bows like Jisung and Chan, and he'd love to say he winked playfully to tease them like Jeongin did. But sadly, he isn't much of a liar.
But he will never admit the way he smiled at the two before bowing, excusing himself to his hyungs and favourite dongsaengs. He left the dance room, tears brimming his eyes. He'd hoped he didn't seem to out of characters but he figured that the small smile of swollen, bitten red lips atop accent freckles was easy to notice and point out.
Felix ran into his shared dorm with Woojin, Jeongin and Minho, slamming the door before throwing himself onto his mattress, frame banging against the wall. He didn't care, his head was pounding and his heart was racing and his stomach was burning and the lump in his throat threatened to spill against his pillow and his lungs felt like they were being contstricted and his eyes stung as the tears ate their way down his pale cheeks. Soon he found himself crouched over the toilet, bathroom door closed and locked as he cried out swears, mixing them inbetween Korean and English, one word one language, the next the other.
His throat burned as he coughed once more, more snot from his hour long cry session coming up, causing his nose to crinkle in disgust as he spits it into the toilet bowl. He sat there for a few more minutes, burning returning only more severe as he coughed for the eighth (8) time, blood fighting it's way past his lips, trinkling down the softness of his chin. In a moment of panic, he chokes on a sob as he wiped his lips with the back of his left hand, causing more blood to hike it's way into the toilet, along with a single, small, dark blue flower.
You see, there's a disease, a quite commom one at that, called the Hanahaki Disease. This disease effects those who partake in unrequited feelings. It takes seeing the one you love doing something that truly convinces you that you're feelings are not mutual. Once the unrequited love is confirmed and, if it's truly unrequited, the flowers that had been in your lungs since you fell in love with the other will begin blooming. The petals begin breaking off, causing them to sit loosely in your stomach and lungs until you vomit them and cough them up. Most flowers, no matter the colour or type, have thorns on them, in rare cases even the petals. This causes blood to come up worse with the petals then they would've without the thorns. More often then not, the flowers your cough and vomit will either be the other's favourite colour or the colour you associate with the other. Flowers grow, depending on the severity of your love for the other, at a tremendous rate. They clog your lungs until you can no longer breathe. In severe cases, the longest you can live with Hanahaki Disease in two months. Seeing the one you love with their partner makes the flowers in your lungs grow faster and possibly grow under the skin, causing petals to sprout from your flesh. These flowers are impossible to get rid of and are considered scars. The only way to live after getting this disease is to get surgery. The risk is completely forgetting how to love as a whole, but you will be able to breathe freely.
Felix cried quietly, blood still dripping off of his chin as he stared at the flower. He remembered the day he taught Changbin Hellevator, when he looked into his eyes after he did the chorus at full speed, finally perfected and said, 'You're like the colour navy. Dark and mysterious but beautiful.' Changbin had smiled a small, soft smiled before replying. 'You're like a mixture of pastel yellow, orange and purple.' Felix had laughed at that. 'Why?' Felix could recall the way Changbin chuckled at the wooden floor. 'Because you're always so happy, everyone calls you the Sunshine Boy, and those colours are the colours of a sunrise. When everything is coming together and everything is perfectly in place, doing exactly what it needs to do.' Felix had always remembered this because it was when he found out Changbin is really quite cheesy.
Felix flushed the toilet, washing his face. He felt emotionally drained. He left the bathroom after a moment, letting the swelling of his eyes die down. He stepped back into his dorm to see the other three sitting in their respective beds. Minho was writing things, Woojin was listening to music and Jeongin was giggling at some book he was reading. He was thankful when Minho looked away from him, shrugging off his appearance. Felix closed the door, walking to his bed, turning to his side where no one could see his face.
It wasn't too long until everyone was called to dinner. He felt Jeongin shaking his shoulders, but he continued to keep his eyes closed, groaning a little to make his performance seem more realistic. Jeongin finally sighed, pulling his arm back as his long legs took every step out of the room, door closing behind him. Felix grabbed his phone, looking up 'coughing up flowers'. He'd heard of the hanahaki disease, don't get me wrong, it's one of, if not, the most common disease in the world. He just didn't want to believe he had it.
It was maybe a few months prior that he'd come to terms with being in love with Changbin. The day he finally accepted it was movie night for the week, everyone was in the living room, watching some horror movie on Netflix. Felix and Changbin's limbs were tangled together, Felix's head lying gently on Changbin's chest, the latter's hand combing through blonde hair mindlessly, voice shushing Felix anytime there was a jumpscare/screamer and he whined, hiding his face. Felix felt sparks everytime Changbin gently pressed his lips to the messy, overly grown out, bleached blonde hair. He began to suppose that Changbin however, did not feel those sparks.
He tried to remember back when Hyunjin and Changbin started liking each other. He remembered when they would play fight or Hyunjin would absentmindedly give Changbin a bite of his strawberry while he scrolled through his phone. He started to realize, anytime he would cuddle with Changbin during those movie nights, Hyunjin would either leave the dorms, go to bed early, cuddle Changbin's other side, or ignore Felix for days a time so suddenly.
Felix sighed, breath trembling. His thoughts were interrupted abruptly, he stood instantly and left the bedroom, running through the hall into the bathroom and slamming the door, locking it to be safe. He didn't want anyone to know, it was his problem not theirs. He coughed, leaning over the toilet before he'd even kneeled down beside it. Blood spilled, a scarily dangerous amount of it. Handful after handfuls of flowers came pouring from his chapped lips. He felt sick, vomitting the beautifully disgusting soft petals. As he inhaled, he wheezed, causing more coughing, causing more vomitting, causing more flowers, causing more pain in his lungs. He cried silently, salty tears meeting metallic blood under his lips. He sat there, tear stained and bloody for a good five (5) minutes before flushing the toilet and washing his face, just like earlier. He brushed off his sweatpants and left the bathroom after checking to make sure the toilet did indeed, have absolutely no trace of flowers in the water.
He closed the bathroom door, bringing attention to himself. The others waved him over and he hesitantly made his way. He ignored the two hands laced together atop of the dinner tabled as Chan spoke to him. "You must've slept deep," he chuckled, ", Jeongin couldn't wake you at all. Ready for dinner?"
Felix shook his head, waving his hand as he faked a yawn to make himself seem more physically exausted rather than emotionally. If anyone acknowledge the swollen, bitten lips or the swollen eyes or the tear stains, a nightmare sounded like the perfect excuse. "No, I'm fine. I'm just gonna, head back to bed." he muttered. "No dinner? Are you sure?" Woojin voiced his concern. He was the mom of the group, of course he was concerned. He was also a close friend, of course he was very concerned. "Yeah, I'm good." He mumbled before waving off the others voices and walked back to his bedroom, closing the door and climbing into his bed, pulling his covers over him until they sat comfortably right underneath his nose, making his warm breaths hit his philtrum. His eyes drifted closed as he listened to the quiet voices of his friends and the cars on the street just behind him.
It'd been six (6) weeks. A month and a half. Constant vomitting flowers and blood and troubles breathing. He sleeps mostly throughout the day and most of the others have expressed their concern for his sickly pale skin and wheezy laugh and quiet voice and why he can't dance the way he used to, why he stumbles and has to stop right before the chorus because that's the fastest, most chaotic part of the choreography. Neither Changbin nor Hyunjin were included in the word 'most', they've been worried from afar rather than directly addressing the situation.
All was fine aside from concerned friends until he suddenly ran out of the practice room mid dance, darting right into the bathroom, door slamming. He collapsed to his knees as the flowers flew out of his lips at a horrifying rate. He tried to catch his breath as an abrupt pain shot through his chest. He coughed, blood and flowers as usual, wheezing for air. His failure to make sure the door was locked came to his knowledge when Chan and, Minho of all people, barged in. Chan immediately knelt, patting Felix's back as he struggled to breathe, every inhale disrupted by another flower petal hitting his tongue that he needed to spit out. "Go get Woojin," Chan whispered, Minho running away after given his orders from the leader. "Why didn't you tell us? How long? Who?" Each word tumbled from his voice before Felix had a chance to catch some oxygen.
Woojin was soon there as well, Minho watching the door, Chan patting and rubbing his back as he talked about it, coughing and wheezing, Woojin holding his bangs of his eyes everytime he leaned over to cough up and spit out another navy blue flower petal.
"It's my situation, not yours, I didn't want to be a burden. It's been, I don't know,-" flower petal, "-, about two months? It's Changbinnie-hyung." Minho scoffed hearing his name, voicing his thoughts. "Changbin, of course. Not surprised. What are you going to do?" "Die? I guess. I'm not willing to lose all of the love in my heart because of my stupid, oblivious hyung." Felix mumbled, tears streaming down his face.
Felix watched as Chan's heart shattered into millions of pieces, wiping the tears that fell down the formers freckled cheeks with his own thumb. "Please get the surgery Felix. Please. Even if you're not as loving as you were before, we'll at least still have you." Chan whispered, lip quivering. Minho and Woojin agreed with hums. "I'm not Felix without the love." He whispered back, cupping Chan's face. "I'll always be here for you, okay? Always. Please tell me things that happen, you're not a burden. You're never a burden. Please, think about the surgery before it gets too bad for you to breathe. Take a break from dancing. Go get some rest. I love you, man." He said, tears of his own leaking and falling onto Felix's fingers. He sighed, nodding. "Okay, okay. I love you too, Hyung. I love all three of you." Felix muttered, smile threatening to never return as inhaled deeply, choking slightly but recovering. He stood, flushing the toilet and washing his face per routine before leaving the other three to be upset and worried between themselves.
Felix dragged his feet on his way back to the practice room where he caught the nervous, worried and concerned looks from the other boys while he grabbed his phone and notebook, ignoring their gazes while he walked away. He'd like to think they just shrugged him off and continued practicing to be even better than they are now. That's what he'd like at least. To his dismay, Jeongin was crying, Jisung comforting him, Seungmin sighing, Hyunjin and Changbin pulling away from their hug to watch their dongsaeng walk away, eyes swollen and only full of sadness and pain.
"At least it's not emotionless." Seungmin thought aloud, the other four (4) agreeing.
Felix lied in bed, researching the surgery risks.
"Hanahaki Surgery.
Dangers: Loss of emotion, loss of love, loss of happiness (all seperate, depending on severity of love for the other), failure to exterminate all flower blossoms, failure to exterminate any flower blossoms, memory loss, extreme illness, heart complications, loss of sense of smell, loss of sense of taste, failure to feel a pulse (heart continues to beat, however).
Upsides: Breathe freely, move comfortably, not easily winded, excersize more often, less rest needed, loss of flower petals, loss of bloody coughs, loss of chest and stomach pain."
He locked his phone, cuddling into his pillow and sighing. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe, goddammit. Yes, he's getting that fucking surgery. No one gives a fuck, the only person he needs is Chan. This was all on impulse and deciding to be too late rather than change his mind and die, he stood, running to the practice room. He grabbed Chan's wrist, gently, wheezing, legs shaking and hands trembling, his vision going blurry. All he could mutter was a quiet, soft, "Surgery," before he collapsed, unconscious.
Chan scooped his up in his arms, Woojin already calling for an ambulance. Chan noticed his breathing pattern, when he tried to breathe in and when he breathed out, blowing little puffs of air nearby his nose right as he breathed in to keep him at least breathing.
It wasn't long before Chan, Woojin and Minho were sitting beside a still unconscious Felix, Chan holding his left hand, sat on that bench alone, Minho and Woojin sharing his right hand, sitting on that bench together, in an ambulance. Chan, sobbing, whispered to Felix, in nothing but hopes the oxygen mask over his nose and lips would be enough to wake him, to open his eyes. Minho willed himself to swallow back tears, Woojin trying as well but ultimately failing as he sobbed quietly. The nurse that sat in the chair behind Felix's head, making sure all the liquids were doing good and making sure his IV stayed in the proper place, doing as it needed, began to speak. "Do you know what it is? Asthma, breathing problems, heart problems?" She seemed to not want to say the one thing.
When he was getting his IV and the male paramedic, which drove the ambulance, put the oxygen mask tightly around his head to make sure no oxygen slipped out and checked his vitals best he could, that same nurse asked his age, name, simple doctor things. She immediately looked sad and heartbroken when a tearstained, voice dripping in worry, Chan answered "19, nationally.".
Yes, young people get hanahaki disease, of course they do. It's simply an unrequited love caused disease, millions have it. But usually, a 17 year old boy wouldn't get it so bad that he collapsed and needed surgery as soon as possible. It's rumoured, and confirmed by many doctors around the world, that the younger you are, usually, the less severe your flower blossoms grow. Usually, no matter how in love you are, the flowers slow down, even if you don't get over them. Usually, the younger you are, the more flowers sprout from your skin rather than your lungs. Usually, children aren't the ones that die from the hanahaki disease.
"Ah, no, his breathing is fine. It's Hanahaki." Chan spoke in a whisper, voice still managing to crack a little. For the second time in those short 10 minutes, Chan watched the nurses heart break. "Oh. I'll go ahead and call and schedule an immediate removal surgery. Was that the plan?" She spoke, quickly making sure. "When do you think he'll wake up?" "A few moments, at the least."
And with that, Felix squeezed their hands, all the three of them. They all looked down at him, seeing his pale, pained face as he took a deep breath, coughing. The nurse helped him sit up, putting him in a chair so he could sit up right and lean against something in case his chest or back started hurting. Woojin looked at him hopefully, "You're getting the surgery right?" He asked. Felix sighed. "I have no choice, do I? I don't want to die." He mumbled, voice cracking as his eyes teared up.
For the third time, the boys watched the nurses heart break. In 15 minutes, someone's heart shouldn't shatter into thousands of pieces multiple times. She nodded, grabbing her cell phone and punching in numbers as she spoke quietly in the corner of the back of the ambulance.
All three of the boys lightly held Felix as he cried for the, millionth time, that week. It goes unsaid, but nobody should cry themselves to sleep at night. Nobody should wake up to burning in their chest and throat. Nobody should wake up to choking on blood and flowers and having to hold the breath that they can't even catch to be quiet and not get caught. Nobody should watch their best friend through the window with a bowl, and his boyfriend, choking up petals and vomitting more blood than an elder has ever seen in her entire life when they kiss. Nobody should skip dinner and stay up until 2 AM to sneak into the kitchen and eat leftovers from that night just so they can avoid their best friends. Nobody should stare into the mirror, eyes watering and fist clenched, threatening to shatter it and stab the glass into their own body in hopes that the oxygen flowing through wounds will be refreshing.
Nobody should stay up at night, wondering what life would be like if they ran away, letting their disease eat them alive.
It only took another 10 minutes until they reached the hospital, Felix being gently placed on a gurney and wheeled away, behind big, thick, locked metal doors until the other three could not longer see him. Chan sat, gulping to himself as he tried to breathe and calm himself down.
"Chan?" Woojin started. "The others are coming soon." He warned. Minho scoffed. "Just what we need. The people who caused this mess to come." Chan sighed. "When Felix comes back, he'll be okay. He won't be in pain anymore" He says. Minho sits next to him, knee against the back of the seat as he faced the other. "Yeah, okay. Great, Felix won't hurt anymore but that's not the point. The point is Changbin and Hyunjin continued to do these things when anyone could've taken the hint. Felix, suddenly after watching Changbin and Hyunjin get together, got sick and could not longer dance, sing, or exercise without getting winded or fainting." He stated, confidence and determination clouding his voice.
"You seem to be forgetting that we ourselves didn't notice either. What are you getting at?" Chan fought back. "What I'm getting at, Bang Chan, is I had a hunch. We all knew something was wrong and you're lying to me if you tell me that it didn't cross your mind. Especially with the way Felix always stared at Changbin and blushed or got flustered when he complimented him on his raps."
Chan sighed. Minho was right, he thought it was true. But nevertheless, he hoped otherwise. He'd hoped he was just going through a mental phase where he didn't feel well. He'd hoped it was just a suddenly lack of motivation. It'd crossed his mind, who knows how many times. But he still held high hopes otherwise. Such high hopes, that he never asked or made sure he was okay. Just kept to himself.
It was around another hours or so before the others began to pile up in the waiting room. Jeongin and Jisung showed up first, immediately taking their seats beside the three and asking questions about Felix. Next was Seungmin, he came alone. Rushing into the waiting room with tears in his eyes, he sat on the floor beside Chan. He didn't ask anything, just sat there. Then was Hyunjin and Changbin, holding hands. They strolled in, stumbling a little before sitting at few rows behind everyone else, beside each other.
Minho was scowling as he watched Hyunjin and Changbin smile over something. Jisung petted Minho's hair, calming him down the best he could. It took only another ten (10) minutes before a nurse came out.
"Bang Chan?" The male called. Chan stood, nodding. "Felix is asleep in his room. The three of you that were in the ambulance can come. Please tell me the names of the others you want to come in and we'll call them in." He said while Chan moved to stand a few feet in front of him. Minho walked towards the two and leaned over to whisper into the man's ear.
"Seungmin, Jisung and Jeongin are the only one's that can come." He said. The nurse nodded before using his card to open the metal doors, allowing the three boys in before calling.
"Seungmin." Said boy stood, bowed and walked through the doors. "Jisung." He did the same, mumbling a 'thank you, have a nice day' to the nurse. "Jeongin." He got up excitedly, happy and nervous at the same time to see his best friend. He bowed, quickly walking through the doors. The nurse bowed at the other two before walking through the blue, scratched up doors himself.
Changbin chuckled, scoffing at the same time. "They didn't..." He mumbled through clenched teeth. "Hey shh, it's not a big deal. Maybe we were the last two to be called and only six are allowed at time." Hyunjin reassured the shorter male beside him. Changbin continued to grumble to himself but inevitably accepted that they weren't allowed to go back.
In the room, however, a different conversation was taking place. Felix was still asleep, his breathing on the monitor much more stable then before in the ambulance. That reassured the six very, very much. Chan and Minho were, speaking, outside of the room.
"What do you think you're doing?" Chan whisper-yelled. "What?! You agree that they caused this." Minho replied. "No! No, I did not! It's not Felix's fault he caught feelings for Changbin, it's not Changbin's fault he caught feelings for Hyunjin and it's not Hyunjin's fault he reciprocated those feelings to Changbin. You can't choose who you fall in love with, Minho. Did you mean to fall in love with Jisung? Was that your goal? Or did it just happen?" Chan argued.
Minho went quiet. "I-..."
"Enough, Minho. Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung have things to do in a few minutes. If they don't leave now they'll be late. Go and invite them. Do it before I do it myself." Chan threatened.
Minho huffed in annoyance but walked down the hall nevertheless. He pressed the button to open the blue doors. He glared at the two cuddling in two different chairs in the waiting room. Once they looked at him, he motioned with his fingers to come. They stood, pretty slowly for people who supposedly care, but came soon enough. They went down the hall, passing Seungmin, Jisung and Jeongin. They each waved to each other as they reached Felix's room.
The two sat on the couch in front of the window after entering the room, Minho biting his tongue as he sat on the floor beside the bed Felix laid unconscious atop of. It wasn't but five minutes when Felix's small body began to stir. Chan immediately perked his head up, standing from his chair and sitting beside Minho.
"Felix?" He whispered. He stirred more, eyes turning to slits as the white room was too bright for tired eyes to handle. He hummed in reply to Chan, causing him to smile and grab his best friends hand, holding it close to his own chest. "Felix??" He tried again. Felix opened his eyes wider, blur soon disappearing as he found his voice.
"Hm... Hi." He mumbled. Changbin came to his senses once he heard the deep voice to his side. He stood, dropping Hyunjin's hand without second thought, moving to Felix's side. The side opposite to where Minho and Chan were.
Felix moved his head and stared at Changbin. Eye to eye, they just looked at each other. Felix's eyes began to tears up and he sat up, crossing his legs and looking at his lap. Chan sat on the bed in front of him, ready to ask questions. He tilted his head, signalling such as Felix nodded towards him.
"Did it work?" He mumbled. Felix took another look at Changbin, reaching for his hand. Changbin put his hand in the others as Felix sighed. "Yeah. It worked." He replied while taking a deep inhale. He couldn't help but smile.
The smile suddenly disappeared as he looked back at Chan. "What? What's wrong?" He asked hurriedly. Minho stood, taking the hand that was in Changbins. "Are you okay?" Minho asked.
"I'm fine." Felix replied, quiet, emotionless as he deadpanned the others in the room. Minho sighed. "Did you really like him that much?" He asked quietly, more of a statement rather. Felix only hummed in curiosity, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Changbin sat back down next to Hyunjin, the two both very confused as the others had their conversation. Suddenly Woojin entered the room.
"Felix. The surgeon said that with the amount of flowers you had, because of how much you loved him, you'll be experiencing a lack of any type of positive emotion. Positive emotions come with feeling admiration and love. You... We're in too deep to save your loving emotions." He mumbled as he walked near.
Changbin stood up and went back to the bed. "Who was it?" He asked. Felix looked up at him, saying nothing. Minho did the same, as did Chan and Woojin.
"... Me?" Changbin whispered as his eyes teared up.
"I'm sorry, Felix..."