Archive of Our Own

But all my tears have been used up

Jimin wasn`t sure how he ended up like this, with his legs wrapped securely around someone elses waist, someone that wasn`t his boyfriend. Broken moans of 'please' escaped his mouth as the stranger left red marks on his neck that would soon bloom into dark lovebites, he felt him whispering something incoherent into his neck, but he wasn`t listening hard enough to hear.

Maybe it was wrong, maybe he was disgusting for going behind Yoongi`s back like this, but part of him didn`t care. The strange hands filled a void for him, a void that simply couldn`t be fixed by Yoongi. 

Laying in bed beside someone you were slowly falling out of love with was painful. He so desperately wanted for Yoongi to be enough for him, he ached for the tingles he used to get when Yoongi dragged his lips over the nape of his neck and kissed him the way he liked it, but now he felt nothing.

Cheating made him feel dirty, he didn`t want to do it but at the same time, he just couldn`t get enough of it. Maybe it was because it made coming home to Yoongi a little easier, it made the empty kisses and meaningless 'I love you's feel a little less harsh. 

All he wanted was to feel butterflys in his stomach when he saw the dark haired boy, because Yoongi was perfect for him in every way. He made him feel safe and loved, he always put Jimin before himself, and look how he was repaying him? by fucking strangers behind his back, Jimin felt a sudden wave of guilt crash over him.

"You alright, baby?" The man whispered, sinking his hands lower until they reached the waistband of his boxers. Jimin`s skin tingled in response to the touch, his back arched slightly as he let out a sigh.

"I`m fine" He mumbled, sinking his head to press it against the mans shoulder, letting him push his hand lower and lower beneath his waistband. Jimin knew it was wrong, so why wasn`t he saying no?

Part of Yoongi knew, too. He could see how Jimin looked at him.
Jimin used to look at him as if the stars were in his eyes, he could`ve stared at Yoongi for hours, admiring his soft, pale skin and how well it contrasted against his dark eyes, and the way his lips would automatically form into a soft pout that made Jimin want to kiss him until he couldn`t breath anymore.

But now? Jimin barely looks at him, and Yoongi swears that sometimes he even see`s a hint of disgust in the younger boys eyes when they briefly scan over him. He wants to mention it, he wants to ask where they went wrong in their relationship, but he`s scared.

He`s so fucking scared.
Scared that his words will make Jimin realise just how much better he can do, so he keeps his mouth shut. He doesn`t mention the lack of fondness in Jimin`s voice, or the way he sometimes comes home smelling of cheap cologne and cigarettes. 

If he tried hard enough, then maybe he could pretend that they were still madly in love, maybe he could pretend that Jimin wasn`t fucking other people behind his back to take the edge off. When he thought of how they used to be, his heart ached. Jimin used to hold him so dearly, he used to come home early from work because 'Fuck, I just missed you so much'

Yoongi was sure that if it was possible to die of a broken heart, his funeral would`ve been held long ago. 

"Baby? Is that you?" Yoongi calls out as he hears the front door open and shut. He wasn`t sure what time it was, but the sun was beginning to rise, and he could hear soft chirps coming from the birds outside. Jimin didn`t reply, but Yoongi could hear him shuffling around downstairs.
He heard him kicking his shoes off and slowly padding up the stairs.

Suddenly, Yoongi felt a sinking feeling in his stomach just thinking of where Jimin must have been. He felt the sudden need to crawl up into a ball as he heard Jimin`s footsteps approaching their room. The closer he got, the more Yoongi`s heart sank in his chest. He thought of the deep, purple blotches that often covered his neck, and how Jimin would halfheartedly try to cover them with makeup or a scarf.

The light from outside peaked through their blinds and cascaded over Jimin`s body as he pushed the bedroom door open. Yoongi`s eyes were immediately drawn to the red marks that covered his neck, and the especially dark one on his nape. His breath hitched in his throat as he glanced up and saw Jimin`s hair was messy and slightly damp, probably from sweat.

"Sorry I woke you" was all he said, his voice was deep, and there was a slight edge to it that Yoongi noticed almost instantly, he felt a deep pang in his stomach and finally made his mind up. He couldn`t go on like this.

Jimin began to strip his clothes off as he sat on the bed, but before he could lay down, Yoongi sniffled softly behind him and pulled himself up. The two boys stared at each other for a few seconds. Jimin had left his shirt on as a last minute attempt of covering his neck, but Yoongi still saw the deep purple and red marks peaking through the fabric.

"Are you cheating on me?" Yoongi was the one who broke the silence. His voice was strong, but Jimin could hear the slight hint of sadness behind it. He wished he could lie to Yoongi like he usually did, he wished he could defend himself and try to reassure the older boy that he still loved him, but he couldn`t force the words out.

Instead, tears began to prick the corners of his eyes,  he let his eyes meet Yoongi`s and bit his lip.

"I`m sorry" was all he managed to choke out. The room was silent, and the air was thick with tension and sadness. 

He wanted Yoongi to get angry. He wanted him to be furious, to start punching things and screaming, hell, he wouldn`t even mind if Yoongi decided to hit him a few times because it`s the least he deserves. But Yoongi didn`t do any of that, instead, he sniffled a little before slowly beginning to cry. Jimin would`ve much preferred the first reaction.

He completely froze as he watched the crying turn into full on sobs, his body wracked with each one as he folded into himself, pulling his knees up to his head to hide his face. Jimin had never wanted to hold him more than he did right now, but he knew that their relationship was over, and it was all his fault.

Maybe he did still love Yoongi, after all. 
He just craved excitement, he craved the thrill of having someone elses hands gripping his thighs and marking his body while his boyfriend had no idea. But he still loved him, and now he had definitely lost him forever. Even if Yoongi wanted him back, he couldn`t do that, not now after he`s seen the boy completely broken because of him, it was a sight he never wanted to see again in his life.

"I`m sorry" he whispered again, Yoongi only cried harder, letting the sobs completely take over his body as he tried to make himself even smaller if that was possible.

Jimin stood up and pulled his clothes on, he began to pack clothes into a small duffle bag.
Each clothing article that he tossed into the bag made his heart hurt even more, he was sure that a few of Yoongi`s shirts had slipped in there, too, but he couldn`t bring himself to care.
He half expected the boy to ask him to stay, to grab his wrist and pull him into bed and wrap him up in his soft arms, but he was only met with an ugly silence. 

Finally, before he left, he turned around to get one last look at him.

Yoongi, the boy who prided himself on being able to control his emotions, was laying in their bed in a ball, trying desperately to make himself as small as possible. Jimin had broke him in the most horrible way possible, and he hated himself for it.

He turned to leave, but was stopped by Yoongi`s honey-sweet voice.

"Where are you gonna go?" He croaked out. Jimin turned to face him and felt his knees go weak at the sight.

His eyes were puffy and red from crying, and there were wet tear tracks running down his face. His bottom lip was slightly swollen from being bitten.His cheeks were flushed a deep shade of pink, and if they hadn`t been in this situation, Jimin would`ve told him he still looked beautiful. But frankly, he looked pathetic, clutching his knees tightly as if he was trying to hide his vulnerable state.

"I don`t know.. I`ll be okay. Look after yourself, Hyung. I love you" Jimin knew it wasn`t fair, he knew how much the last three words would affect Yoongi, but he couldn`t help it, he had to let the older boy know it, he simply couldn`t bring himself to let Yoongi think that he didn`t love him.

Yoongi was silent, and Jimin took that as his que to leave. He let out a breath he didn`t realise he was holding and turned to leave. He shut the bedroom door behind him and slowly trudged down the hallway.

The house was filled with memories of their relationship, the walls were decorated with pictures of them with friends, and on one wall hung a small photo of Jimin and Yoongi on their first anniversary.

They were standing on the beach, Yoongi had a tourist take the photo for them. His arm was wrapped tightly around Yoongi`s waist, and the smile on his face was bright, he couldn`t help but notice how innocent they looked, and how naive he had been to think this could ever work out. Yoongi was far too good for him, he knew that now.

Without looking back, he stepped out into the cold air, and pretended not to hear the soft crying coming from their bedroom. 

He hoped Yoongi would find someone new. Someone who would hold him tight and never let go, who would give him all the things that Jimin couldn`t, because in his eyes, Yoongi deserved the world.