Chapter Text
Chapter 1
FROM: [email protected]
DATE: Nov 3 at 11:21 PM
SUBJECT: Impending doom…
Blue,
I know we’ve been avoiding the subject for a while now, since ever actually, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s kind of inevitable. Or, it is for me. For all I know you found out months ago. Birthdays when you’re anonymous are a little weird.
Soulmates.
Do you have your name yet? I don’t. But I will, and soon. Too soon. My birthday is coming up and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What do I do? Do I hide the name until I’m ready to come out? Do I come out when I get it? I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.
I think for a long time I tried not to think about soulmates. I think that started around eighth grade, right after I realized I was gay, and suddenly I really hated the idea of finding out who my soulmate was. With every birthday it seemed like this scary thing that was really far away but getting closer and closer.
Blue, one day, very soon from now, there’s going to be a name on my skin and I don’t know what to do.
Jacques
Simon closed his laptop and slumped back in his desk chair, fingers pressing into his eyes as a headache began. He tried not to think about the calendar on the desk next to his computer. His mom had surprised him yesterday with a calendar. The day November 17 had been circled in red sharpie with the words “Simon’s Birthday” on it. He knew it was supposed to be a kind, loving gesture of excitement. She did the same thing for Alice, bought a calendar with different pictures of cityscapes on the months, and gave it to her exactly two weeks before her birthday. His calendar was Broadway themed. It was a sort of family tradition from her side of the family and it carried on.
In less than two weeks somebody’s name would be on his skin, and Simon didn’t know what he was going to do. Leah and Abby wanted to throw him a special party to celebrate, but the thought made Simon feel sick.
When it happened, Simon wanted to be alone. He wanted this to be a quiet moment with himself and, in a weird sense, his soulmate. He wanted the day to just pass peacefully and by the end of the day he would have a name on his skin.
Simon spent most of the day feeling anxious, pretending he wasn’t anxious, and trying to deny the exact reason why he was anxious.
That email he sent Blue last night still weighed on his mind. Did Blue have his soulmate’s name yet? How did he feel about it?
Simon also wanted to know who it was, and he was avidly trying to ignore why he wanted to know so much. He also knew that this had to be an extremely private thing for Blue if he knew his soulmate’s name. This wasn’t something you just gave away when you were in the closet, even if the other person you told was as in the closet as you were. It was deeply personal. Simon knew that, felt that, and he didn’t even have the evidence that would give away his secret written on his body yet.
When he got home from play practice, the first thing he did was check his email.
FROM: [email protected]
TIME: Nov 4 at 3:22 PM
SUBJECT: Impending doom…
Jacques,
Would I be correct in assuming you’re a Scorpio? Sorry, I guess that was meant to lighten the mood. Impending doom… seems like a strong subject line, but I understand it.
For me I still have time. Not a lot, but clearly more than you. Well, we’ve established who’s older now. More humor to lighten the mood. I don’t think I’m going to succeed in that however. I still have a few months. I guess I have avoided thinking about it until now. I haven’t been dreading it, more that I’ve been ignoring it.
I’m going to guess that your family and friends will ask what your soulmate’s name is, and the idea of that is stressing you out more. I think the reason why I worry less is because my family believes that soulmates are sacred, and we keep our names a secret until we meet that person. That’s actually from my dad’s side, but my mom believes that too now. So, the idea of telling them when I turn seventeen hasn’t been a real fear. I can tell them I’m gay when I meet my soulmate, if I’m ready to come out to them. Perhaps that can be your solution. Would they think it was strange if you suddenly decided you didn’t want to share your soulmate’s name?
Jacques, this may be too invasive and personal, but can I also ask if you’re afraid of whose name you’re going to find?
Blue
Simon stared at the email for a long time, trying to process those words. The words on the screen left something heavy feeling in his chest. Blue didn’t know who his soulmate was.
Simon closed his eyes.
He’d have to be insane or hopelessly naïve or both to think that out of the 3.5 billion guys out there in the world, he had somehow managed to find his soulmate through an email before getting his name.
The soft warmth in his chest he got whenever he even thought of Blue didn’t go away however. There was this place in Simon that was forever reserved for Blue. Nobody could take that from Blue, even if that person was who Simon was meant to spend the rest of his life with. It made Simon wonder how people who found a first love before their soulmate felt, especially if they met that first love before even having their soulmate’s name.
He sighed. He couldn’t respond, not right now. His brain was too much of a mess to think clearly, let alone write a coherent email to Blue.
Instead, Simon crawled into bed and buried himself in the covers.
When he walked up to the table he found Leah and Abby whispering to each other in something that reeked of conspiracy. They went suspiciously quiet the second Simon sat down.
“No,” Simon mumbled, looking down at his food tray.
“No?” Leah repeated, shocked.
“I’ve decided I don’t want to do a party for my birthday,” Simon explained.
“Your birthday’s coming up?” Garrett asked.
Simon glanced up at Garrett and caught Bram staring at him. He didn’t answer.
“Dude, is this the big birthday?” Garrett asked, eagerly shaking Simon’s shoulder.
“Right, yeah. Simon’s going to get his soulmate name,” Nick spoke up, the thought just dawning on him.
“Are you excited?” Garrett asked.
Simon nodded, but his stomach felt a little uneasy. No, he was dreading it actually.
“And you don’t want to do a birthday party?” Abby asked. Her eyebrows were pulled together and she seemed disappointed.
Simon chewed on his lip for a moment and shrugged. “I guess. It’s just that something like this feels pretty big and important, and I kind of want to do it on my own,” He explained.
“You don’t have to,” Leah assured him.
He tried to smile for them. It didn’t feel right on his face. “I know. It’s just that this is something I feel I should do privately.”
Leah and Abby shared a look. Abby disappointed, Leah understanding.
She’d gotten her name a month and a half ago and she’d been cagey about it ever since.
Like Simon, she didn’t want to do anything big about it, but Simon guessed it was just a Leah thing. Birthdays were sacred to her, but so were soulmate names and hers was special and private to her. They did have a quiet party for Leah the night before. It was just the three of them, Nick, Simon, and Leah. A day later Leah came to school with a thick wristband around her right wrist, glaring at anyone who even mentioned her soulmate mark.
“We can do something the day before if we want,” Simon suggested, trying to cheer them up.
Their eyes turned to him and they smiled. “We were thinking a big movie marathon in Nick’s basement with lots of junk food,” Leah mentioned.
“Sounds great, and that’s a Sunday instead of a Monday, so it’s probably better,” Simon agreed.
Simon looked at Bram, who was still staring at him a little. Simon stared back for a moment. Not unfriendly or uncomfortable, but curious. Quiet but Cute Bram didn’t say much of anything to Simon.
“Would you guys like to be there on Sunday?” Simon asked Bram and Garrett.
Bram’s eyes widened and he turned to Garrett, looking like a rabbit caught in a trap. Garrett was oblivious and smiling.
“Hell yeah, and if you want I can bring a little beer,” Garrett offered.
“Let’s not repeat Simon’s great Halloween Disaster,” Leah piped up.
Simon looked down at his tray. He was still trying to forget the great Halloween Disaster. He couldn’t make himself look at Bram with the memories of Beruit, karaoke, and walking into Bram’s bedroom as he was kissing a girl floating around in his head. Couldn’t look at Bram when just a week ago he was wondering if Bram and Blue were the same person.
“It is a little soon,” Nick added, grinning playfully.
“We’ll cut him off at one then,” Garrett responded, egging them on.
“One beer and he’s still drunk,” Nick told them, laughing.
Bram laughed softly, making Simon actually look at him this time. Bram looked up at Simon with a small smile that quickly turned shy, and Simon looked away.
“I’m not walking drunk-Simon home again,” Leah added, giving Simon a wry smirk. She was lying. Of course she would. They were best friends, they would always do those things for each other.
“So Sunday it is. We’ll eat junk food, watch movies, maybe play some Cards Against Humanity, and maybe consider giving Simon half a beer,” Nick decided.
Laughter and nods of agreement circulated the table, everyone excited for the upcoming little party of theirs. Simon actually smiled a little.
Simon looked out the window, watching the pink and purple clouds outside. Daylight Savings had come the Sunday before and now sunset was around five in the afternoon. There was something about this, about where he was sitting on his bed, laptop open and an email waiting to be started, staring out his window that reminded Simon of the very first email.
It reminded him of that sunset, pink and purple across the sky as the clock ticked past eight in the evening. Simon had been sitting on his bed, staring at his computer and intermittently checking his email for something new. He even stalked the old, ancient posts of the school’s rumor mill Tumblr to find any posts that reminded him of “vast houses with tiny windows” and “a shore worth swimming to” until eventually Simon had read too many cringey confessions to tolerate it anymore. Then he refreshed his email and found a new email from [email protected] waiting for him.
Today, Simon stared at the blank email window and trying to find the right thing to say.
Where did he begin?
FROM: [email protected]
TIME: Nov 7 at 5:22 PM
SUBJECT: maybe it’s less doom now and more…
Blue,
Yes, I am a Scorpio. Although anyone who’s ever asked me that question seriously and actually cared about that sort of thing has straight up told me I’m nothing like a Scorpio, so I don’t know what to tell you.
My birthday is getting closer and closer, but I’m not really afraid anymore. Or, I’m not as scared of it as I was before. Your advice helped actually.
The truth is I used to hate the concept of soulmates. Once I figured out I was gay, I just hated the idea of it. I don’t know why. Maybe for the same reason I pretended to have a crush on Hermione like every other straight boy I knew. I was in denial that I was gay and hoping eventually it’d change. Obviously I don’t feel that way about being gay now. I don’t want to change, not at all. But I don’t know how I feel about soulmates now. I guess younger me hated the idea that the name on my skin would be a girl’s name, but also hated the idea that the name would be a boy’s name, because either I’d be matched with someone I didn’t like, or I would be outed. But what it comes down to is this:
I don’t know if I want a soulmate.
I don’t really want who I spend the rest of my life with to be chosen for me. I want to find that person on my own. The idea that the universe gets to decide who I spend the rest of my life with, instead of me, I don’t like it. I want it to be my choice.
So maybe getting my soulmate mark in a few weeks isn’t so much an impending doom, as it is just feeling like someone else got to define me before I did.
So, given how I’ve acted about soulmates the last few years, I doubt anyone will be overly surprised that I don’t want to share my soul mark with anyone.
Blue, I don’t want this email to bum you out about the idea of soulmates. I think it’s great for other people. My parents are soulmates and they’re ridiculously happy together. I know for a lot of people it’s an amazing thing. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing for me. I hope when you get your soulmate mark you’re happy. I just don’t know how I’ll feel about mine.
Jacques
Simon stared at the email, read it, reread it, and reread it again. He guessed that was as good as it was going to get. Expressing something as complicated as his feelings about having a soulmate wasn’t something he ever thought he could properly articulate, and here he was trying to explain one of his biggest fears with Blue. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his anxious nerves, and he clicked send.
A piece of his soul was waiting in Blue’s inbox, waiting to be read.
The week passed by slowly. Blue didn’t write an email back, at least, not in the form of a reply to his soulmate email. A few emails had been shared between them in the last week, but all on less serious, non-life changing topics. School, favorite shows, cute banter that left Simon smiling. Every time he got a new email from Blue, he wondered if he’d scared Blue away from ever talking about soulmates again. Every night after he sent one last email, Simon went to bed wishing for one thing.
The person whose name would appear on Simon’s skin in a few days, he wished that name belonged to Blue.
He dreamed of reading the name on skin, just knowing immediately that it was Blue, sharing that name with Blue over one very important email, and having him walk up to Simon in real life and ask him out for real.
Maybe, maybe it could be true.
Or maybe that name would belong to a complete stranger who was nothing like Blue.
Simon tried not to think about that. He didn’t know what he’d do.
The birthday party was light hearted and fun. It was like any of Simon’s other birthdays with Leah and Nick, but now with the additions of Abby, Garrett, and Bram. They were spread across the couch and two chairs, watching Lion King as they shared greasy cheese pizza and garlic bread. They were sticking to soda and water tonight, at least that’s what Abby and Leah had planned, what Simon had planned. There was some suspicious whispering between Nick and Garrett, and Simon had no doubt that Garrett could pull off sneaking beer into the Eisner household if he wished.
After thoroughly washing their hands, because Leah was very particular that nobody was going to touch her Cards Against Humanity pack with greasy fingers, they gathered in a circle.
Simon very quickly learned that senses of humor completely changed when given a stack of cards and a competition to win.
Leah’s sense of snarky humor translated well into Cards, although he couldn’t say many in the group shared her humor. Sweet Abby had a secretly evil and dark sense of humor with the cards, and unusually but subtly political without the card choice being uncomfortable. Nick was his classic philosophical humor combined with an undertone of stupid, non-sensical humor. Garrett had an entirely random sense of humor, to the point that every card combination he made got him a lot of laughs, even if his card was rarely chosen.
Bram had a subtle, not quite dark but certainly complex sense of humor in this game. Each card was thoughtful, and Bram was quick to choose his cards. Thoughtful but quick on his feet.
Simon was an omnivore of humor, capable of playing to the card czar’s individual sense of humor and doing well with high success rates.
“I swear to God, people are just giving you cards because it’s your birthday,” Nick accused Simon, looking serious until a wide grin slowly grew on his face.
“Maybe you’d win more cards if your sense of humor wasn’t so obscure,” Simon countered.
Nick scoffed and drew another white card for the next round. Simon’s round.
Simon drew the card. “Future historians will agree that ‘blank’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He looked up at everyone as they carefully considered their cards.
Leah’s hand went down in an instant, card slammed confidently on the carpet. Abby quickly followed, grinning mischievously. Nick’s came next, followed by Garrett.
Bram was staring at his cards, eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t have anything that works for this,” He mumbled. “I mean, I have something that could be ironically funny, but you’d have to know I was being ironic.”
“Go with that, I’ll keep an open mind,” Simon offered.
Bram looked up at Simon, uncertain before he carefully placed the card on top. Simon shuffled the cards, but made sure to put Bram’s card on the bottom, so he’d know which card to think of ironically, for Bram’s sake. Taking the first card, Simon read.
“Future historians will agree that ‘a time travel paradox’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” Simon read, chuckling lowly.
“Future historians will agree that ‘Our First Chimpanzee President’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He laughed a bit harder at that, wondering if that was Abby or Leah’s card. It was pretty in line for both their senses of humor.
“Future historians will agree that ‘unfathomable stupidity’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” Simon laughed harder at that. That had to be Leah. The blunt tone of it was classic Leah.
“Future historians will agree that…” Simon trailed off. “that ‘a bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.”
He had no words for it. He just looked up at his friends, wondering who was capable of this. Chewing on his lip, Simon read the last card.
“Future historians will agree that…” He trailed off again, staring at the card.
The homosexual agenda…
“Future historians will agree that ‘the homosexual agenda’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He looked up at Bram, sitting across from him, and instantly Bram shrunk back guiltily.
“It’s ironic, I swear. I used that because that’s what my crazy neighbors were going on about that last Sunday,” He explained. “I don’t actually think like that.”
Simon stared at him, and then back at the cards. His skin itched.
Carefully, without looking at Bram, he put the card on the side and stared at the remaining four. He missed the uncomfortable, embarrassed expression on Bram’s face.
“I think I’m gonna’ go with ‘a time travel paradox’ because I think that would be absolutely hilarious to see,” Simon decided, holding up the black card.
Nick’s arms went up in the air in celebration. “Finally!” He shouted.
Simon smiled happily for him and handed it over. “Who had ‘a huge bass drop’ anyway?” Simon asked.
Garrett raised his hand. “Not my best, but I thought it worked.”
“Unfathomable stupidity,” Leah mentioned, raising her hand.
“Chimpanzee president,” Abby added.
“You both had really good cards,” Simon told them.
Leah was next, and she read the card out while Simon cleaned up the white cards from his round.
After Simon won, because of course Simon would win, he helped Leah clean up her cards. Bram joined, offering to organize them in the sort of neurotic way Leah liked.
“I wanted to apologize,” Bram mumbled to Simon.
Simon looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “What for?” He whispered.
“The ‘homosexual agenda’ card. I’m sorry if it bothered you,” Bram whispered. He couldn’t make himself look up at Simon.
“Why would it bother me?” Simon asked, keeping his tone carefully casual.
“I just… you didn’t look happy when you read it. You looked almost annoyed,” Bram explained, staring at the carpet and stacks of cards between them. “I just… please don’t think I’m homophobic or anything. I’m not. I was making fun of homophobes.”
He looked up at Simon, and Simon saw something honest in his eyes.
“I get it. It doesn’t bother me, I just didn’t get the humor,” Simon told him.
Bram nodded. “Yeah, I guess I keep thinking people will get my humor, and usually they do, but sometimes it doesn’t translate well, especially when I’m trying to be funny.”
“You were pretty good tonight. I guess everyone just has an off round, especially when they don’t have the right cards for something,” Simon added.
Bram nodded, silent.
They finished arranging the cards and Bram walked over to Garrett, sitting down next to him in silence. Simon sat himself next to Abby.
Leah and Nick brought out the cake together. They were going to have the cake tomorrow on Simon’s actual birthday, but Simon decided it was better if it was just them tonight. They sang happy birthday and when Simon blew out the candles, he wished that tomorrow wouldn’t completely change his life.
Soulmate marks didn’t show up the second the clock struck midnight. The timing usually coincided with what time during the day the baby was born. Simon had been born just after ten o’clock in the evening on November 17, seventeen years ago today.
Most of that day he spent hoping he would stick to the correlation and get his mark late tonight. He hoped he wasn’t one of the outliers who got their mark at a time completely unrelated to their actual birth time.
Though he once heard a story about teenagers who found out they had the wrong birthday when their soul mark came a few months early or a few months late. Those were usually children who had been adopted from foreign countries with sealed adoption records. Nothing like Simon’s case, of course.
On Simon’s request, nobody treated that Monday like there was anything special about it. As far as anyone knew, today was completely normal and routine. Simon didn’t want anyone at school walking up and just asking him who his soulmate was, or asking how his experience getting his mark felt, or just congratulating him when they believed his soulmate would be a girl.
Simon remembered when Alice got her soulmate name. Simon was a freshman then. Alice was a junior. Alice was pretty popular in high school, and had a pretty big party at school, which Simon had of course been there for. He’d watched multiple classmates talk to her about her soulmate name and how it felt to get it. Alice had gotten hers in the middle of the night, and she barely felt it. It felt different for everyone, and all Alice felt was a cool sensation on the inside of her elbow in the middle of an early June heatwave. She’d been quiet about the name to everyone but Nora, Simon, and their mom. Of course people saw the name eventually, it was near impossible to tolerate wearing long sleeves in Georgia in the middle of summer. Seeing all the questions she got from classmates she barely knew made Simon want to keep his birthday quiet.
After play practice, he had dinner with his family. Of course Nora baked a cake, chocolate with Oreo frosting. Simon loved her for it. They had their own little celebration, and after dinner Simon took a leftover slice of cake and a hot chocolate up to his room. He watched YouTube videos on his laptop, cake sitting on his desk, and he tried not to think about it.
Right as ten o’clock was approaching, Simon felt a sharp pain next to his right hip. He bent over in pain, hand pressed to its origins. The sharp, almost stabbing feeling didn’t go away. Simon pulled his shirt up, looking at the skin around his right hip. It all remained pale and untouched, and if Simon didn’t know any better, he’d think his appendix was about to rupture.
The pain increased and Simon groaned quietly. Standing slowly, he moved to the bed and collapsed there. He didn’t know how long this was going to last, but he needed to lay down. The pain continued and he curled up in a ball on his bed, arms wrapped around his lower abdomen.
After a while, after what felt like forever, the pain subsided, and Simon laid there. In all honesty, he didn’t want to look at it. Nor did he really want to move, in case that pain came back. Reaching over, Simon grabbed his iPod and headphones and played some music. Quiet, relaxing music.
The pain didn’t come back, thank God, and Simon was able to fall asleep, exhausted after that little nightmare.