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It smelled like him. If you'd asked her a few hours ago what Matt Murdock smelled like Jessica couldn't tell you.
But now that Jessica stood in her dark apartment, not yet even moving from the shut door, she could easily identify the stench of dead hero.
She didn't even realize how much she’d admired the guy until she stood outside the collapsing building waiting with bated breath for him to emerge. As the building crumbled into debris and cement dust permeated the air, Jessica felt more than mere disappointment and guilt. It was personal. Her heart felt like it was hanging by a thread, swinging within her ready to drop into her stomach.
He certainly used women’s conditioner. It made sense with how beautifully kept his hair was. He must have enjoyed the scent too. It wasn’t overly fragranced - nothing fru fru and ocean breeze about it. Of course he'd be particular about those kinds of things, you know with him having super senses and all. If only he had used the most important sense of all: common.
Jessica made her way to her desk and plopped down right onto it. She awkwardly twisted and leaned back so that she could pull open a drawer. Her Wild Turkey was laying right where she left it. Just like Matt. He was probably lying right where she left him too.
Jessica grabbed the bottle and sat back up right. She unscrewed it and tossed it back taking a few swigs. This was not a slow shot night. How could it be after she had to see those two blondes embracing and dripping tears on each other’s shoulders? Jess didn’t know them, but she knew they were there as Matt requested for protection. After she let go of Trish, Jess stared at them longer than she should have. She didn’t bring him back for them. She failed.
No she didn’t. Jessica didn’t owe either of them anything. She wasn’t a hero and she for damn sure wasn’t Murdock’s keeper, even if he did seemingly need one. What kind of blind guy learns kung fu and goes to fight crime against super freaks and ninjas? Matt died on his own. He chose to stay for his evil ex-girlfriend. He chose to be a hero. He chose to die.
Another series of swallows. Matt was a decent guy beyond his corny costume though. He was fucked up just like Jess and she respected that. He was dealt a hand of shit cards but he made do. He was a lawyer for godsake! How he balanced that with night stalking villains in alleyways, Jessica wished she could’ve known. She hadn’t the opportunity to ask. Matt Murdock was still mostly an enigma to her, a case waiting to be cracked and solved. Sure she’d uncovered his tragic loss of family and his controversial work as a lawyer but all of that was just minor details - the man’s situation, the man’s work, but not the man.
Jessica absentmindedly ran her fingers over the scarf around her neck. The texture of the cloth comforted her. She gripped it when the emotions got to much for her and in a chain reaction, triggered her to swallow another gulp of whiskey. She’d then backtrack her mind to a more neutral thought like about how they defeated The Hand, how she’d reconnected even briefly with Luke and he didn’t completely hate her, about how Trish was fine.
Trish. Jess remembered their hug from earlier that night. Her hair in Jessica's nose…
Did Matt use the same conditioner as Trish? Jess lifted the scarf to her nose and sniffed hard. Was it the same? How should Jessica know? She hadn’t used conditioner since her last bottle ran out… eight months ago? Even if she had she used that cheap shit from her local bodega; Trish and Matt both probably had a more expensive and careful taste.
It was pointless and stupid. Jess let go of the scarf and it fell back into its place. She took another swallow. It was time for bed. And god a shower. She needed one. Jess hopped off the desk and whiskey still in hand dragged herself to her bathroom. She set the bottle in the sink as she undressed and then turned on her shower water. She stuck a hand in to feel the temperature. It was cold. Really? At this time of night?
She took a sip of her whiskey and thought to herself, Fuck it, before she stepped in. She occupied her mind with scrubbing herself roughly. She couldn’t let her mind wander in the shower when she was upset or else Malcolm would have a new fix it project at her expense.
Shit. She forgot a towel. When she stepped out she reached for her shirt on the floor. The inside was clean right? She flipped it inside out and pat dry her body. She dropped the shirt onto the floor and stepped on to it wiping her feet mostly dry. The scarf lay on top of her jeans and jacket but she’d forgotten about it. Whiskey in hand she made her way to her bed which was crying for her.
The morning came soon but Jessica slept through it. It wasn’t until late afternoon that Jessica’s empty stomach forced her awake. She pulled on her second favorite pair of jeans and a shirt but she couldn’t find her jacket. Oh right bathroom.
There it was just beneath her scarf. Just beneath Matt’s makeshift mask. The events of the previous night were fresh in her mind once again and she hated it. Jess snatched up the scarf and stomped into her bedroom. She got to the window and opened it and wound her arm back ready to throw.
But she couldn’t. Why? This scarf was just reminder of The Hand and what they did to Matt. Jessica wanted nothing more than to be free of that memory. Just toss it, Jessica! Throw it away!
Jessica released a heavy sigh. She shut her eyes. She shut the window. Jessica held the scarf in both her hands and looked down at it for longer than she knows.
It was all she had left of Matt. She hardly knew the man but god did she miss him. Is that strange? She missed his smile, his awful sense of humor, and that weird thing he did with his head when he heard things. Matt was a good man and now he was gone because of that goodness. If he had never become the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen he’d still be alive. Maybe they’d never have met in that alternate universe, but Matt’s life was worth that. He deserved better. He deserved to be alive.
Maybe that’s what Jess needed to realize. She never should’ve gotten involved in this hero business. She was a private eye, a sister, and a friend. Being super strong didn’t change what she was and who she was supposed to be. If only Matt had known that.
Jessica walked over to her dresser and pulled open one of the drawers she never really used. It was full of junk she’d convinced herself she might need later - tools, batteries, notebooks, pens…
“Heroes die.”
Jessica stroked the scarf one more time before placing right on top of the useless array of items. She shut the drawer slowly and took a moment to herself to calm her nerves. A wipe of the eye and all was forgotten. Jessica went back into the bathroom to retrieve her jacket before leaving her apartment in search for some cheap eats.
A week later Trish invited Jess over for a movie night. After one cheesy romcom Jessica needed a bathroom break. As she sat on the toilet, her mind wandered aimlessly just as her eyes did. They settled on Trish’s shower and repressed question surfaced in Jess’s head. There were a few bottles and Jess couldn’t help but wonder which one was the conditioner.
Yes she could. And she would. Jessica finished her business and stepped back into the living room with a bit too much power in her step.
“Jess,” Trish said her voice laced with concen. “You alright?”
“Yeah. Think I’m gonna head out now.” Jess walked out despite Trish calling her name.
Jessica’s boots pounded down the streets as she headed God knows where. It didn’t really matter to her as long as her destination had distractions and no memories.