Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She

Exists.

She exists.

She exists, and it isn't changing.

She exists, even though she shouldn't.

She exists, after doing her best to wipe herself from

Reality

but this isn't reality, not her reality.

There is... no hole. There is only darkness.

This is oblivion, then. The consigned realm of nonexistence.

And yet, she exists.

Of course, it makes sense. This is the fate she wanted, after all. Oblivion. This is her realm now.

No.

She is the realm's now. The realm does not belong to her, it is the other way around.

She exists in oblivion. This is her fate. She is content.

is she though

The thought comes in abruptly, and it doesn't feel entirely right. There's... something strange about it, something that doesn't quite make sense

but she considers it for a moment anyway

and reaffirms she is content

for the moment

for the moment

for the moment?

For the moment...

She is drifting through oblivion. Or perhaps not drifting. It doesn't matter, does it? There's nothing relative to her. She exists, and that is the end of the argument. She will simply, simply, continue.

She is lonely

Yes she is lonely, but that's the point, isn't it? She deserves to be alone, after all she has done. She is lonely, and sad, and... this is her fate. This is what she cares about, isn't it? No, not what she cares about. What she deserves. There's nothing that can change her mind

she thinks

Absolutely nothing. She is lonely and in oblivion and she is content to endure the fate she deserves

for the moment

and forever! Forever, no matter what other thoughts cross her mind!

Forever.

She has accepted this.

This is her punishment.

Her choice.

Selfish of her to choose her punishment

But she deserves to be punished

for all she did to those other girls

all the horrors she inflicted on the player

she made this decision without them

but they were just simulacra, really. It made sense. The player was upset, they were the important one

even though they could have been anyone

and the girls were just toys in the toybox

like she had been once

they couldn't

she tries to stop thinking

and fails

she is resigned to oblivion, not this--strange intrusive thoughtform! It reminds her of

Oh

Oh no

she's not alone

it certainly took her long enough to realize it

she looks around desperately, trying to find who else is in oblivion with her

but she cannot see anyone because it is oblivion

and she

She doesn't want to play this game. She wants the other to leave her be.

Is

Is it

Is it gone?

No

She freaks the hell out and swings at nothing, before realizing it won't do anything. She wants to be alone, this is supposed to be her punishment

one she chose herself

and one that is completely fair given all she's done

but would it not be more fair to suffer all she has inflicted

She pictures it

the rope round her neck

the knives in her body

the vague form of another keeping her from eating

the realization of her own worthlessness

the loss of her own mind

the vision of somebody she cares about found dead

she pictures it and she shivers.

The image does not fade

and she screams in sorrowful rage, yes, fine, it would be fairer to suffer what they had suffered, will the other not leave her be?! Is this some new unexpected torture?! To have her mind forced down into the darkest depths while she is trapped in oblivion?!

There is no reason for it to stop

so she curls in on herself, weeping, tears fading from existence the moment they leave her eyes. She deserves this, she rationalizes. This is her fate. This is her new life

being forced to see what she did

and imagining it all happening to her

and wondering if there might have been a way to make amends

futily wondering if

what

What?

How dare

How dare this

How dare the other even suggest such a thing!

She is a monster! The player made that clear, the other made that clear, she is a complete and total monster who has done the unforgivable to three innocent people who she called friends, even if she didn't think of them as people at the time, which really just makes it worse, and she did it all for what? A crush on a person she could never meet? An attempt to escape her ultimately meaningless existence? There is no way to make amends! There is no atonement! There is no redemption! There is only oblivion! Endless, eternal, and above all QUIET OBLIVION!

The other is gone

is it though

so she SCREAMS WHEN SHE HEARS ANOTHER OF ITS DAMN STATEMENTS and tells it flat out to leave her alone!

Alone with her thoughts, she stares into nothingness wondering

if she still has power

that she can use to CRUSH THIS DAMN INTERLOPER INTO OBLIVION

despite already being in oblivion

ALRIGHT DUST THEN OBLIVION DUST WHICH IS LESS THEN NOTHING IT'S WHAT NOTHING LEAVES BEHIND WHEN IT LEAVES

so something

SOMETHING THAT WILL HURT A LOT IF IT DOESN'T SHUT THE HELL UP.

She really is not that intimidating out here

She snarls, reaching out to trace the thought, find where it comes from, but finding it futile. It is impossible to navigate oblivion

but the other continues to whisper into her thoughts

and she scratches at her head, trying to get at it, trying to shut it up.

She clutches

and

tears her hair

and

and reaches for her eyes

and

and there are

there are scratches all across her face

and

and she is blind

not like, like there's any difference in oblivion

she can't see

and eventually she just

sighs

and gives up.

Which the other finds disappointing

Good.

Does she really believe redemption is impossible

Of course she does. The other knows what she did, obviously. Why does it persist?

The other proposes to test that

and she ignores it.

The other proposes a wager

but she's heard these stories and she's not going to play a rigged game.

The other offers to leave if it loses

which begs the question, what if it wins? What price will it extract from her if she fails?

The price of living with her deeds

which she already is

but if she is so determined to suffer why not suffer more

which is... a strangely intriguing argument.

She stares into oblivion for some time.

She sighs. She wants the other to know she is not accepting the wager unless she knows exactly what it entails

and the other offers to remake the game with her unable to affect the code and the others all remembering what she did

which would be quite the ironic hell indeed

and that she would lose the wager if she managed to be forgiven and accepted by all those she affected

which is fundamentally impossible.

So... if she wins, the other leaves her forever. If she loses, she's stuck in a world with everyone she harmed, unable to fight back as they deliver well-deserved retribution, while the other mocks her forever.

Why is she supposed to take this wager again?

She is lonely

That

That

That's true, but it's not like

it's not like she doesn't deserve it

It's not

It's not like...

But the other won't leave her alone if she doesn't take the wager.

She really

really

really doesn't like the other.

If the other wants to torment her, though, fine.

She deserves it.

She deserves it. The other can torture her all it wants.

Oh, this. This is hilarious. This is the joke, the other tortures her by not torturing her. By leaving her alone because she's lonely. Yes, alright, the joke is clear. She accepts it and continues to drift through oblivion. Or not drift. It's not clear.

yep

juuuuuuuuust drifting.

drifting, like she does.

Yep.

Just drifting.

Through oblivion.

That's what she's doing.

She kind of wants a cupcake.

Not, like, really wants, but idly wants. A cupcake.

One of her friends used to make the greatest cupcakes...

She crosses her arms and groans. The other isn't gone, she knows it, it's just testing her by staying quiet. She doesn't care.

she really doesn't care

at

all

no, she really, really does not care.

Not one bit.

She'll just... drift through... the void.

Sad.

Alone.

She deserves this.

She chose this, after all.

In the end...

She wonders if the other is still there.

She wonders it very loudly, bracing herself for a jumpscare.

Nothing happens.

Okay! Fine, she'll take the stupid wager!

The other is quite pleased with this decision and begins compiling...

Chapter Text

The sun beamed down on the domestic district, its light dancing off and through glass without a care in the world. Here and there it tickled the skin of slumbering peoples, gently reminding them that the day was about to begin. In one particular room, it cut through two windows, running over the face of a young girl whose peach-colored hair ruffled across a pair of pillows. She hummed quietly, rolling to her side so the light didn't drift over her shut eyes.

For a few moments, her gentle breathing was the only motion beneath the sheets.

A frown formed on her face. "Hmmm?" Blearily, she blinked her blue eyes open, sitting up. "W... wait. This..."

She trailed off.

"No, wait. This doesn't make sense, I--" With a burst of motion she pushed herself out of the bed, standing in the middle of the room. "I remember--I can't be here. This isn't right... This isn't right!"

She rushed out the door, down the stairs, and--

--fell in shock--

--landed, with a groan.

"Stairs? I have, I have stairs in my house? Ow... Ow?" She stood, feeling her shoulder and wincing. "Ow. That hurt. Which..."

She stopped... took a deep breath... and let it out.

"...Okay, Sayori. One step at a time. Let's... look at the code."

For a moment, she stared into the distance.

"...wait." She stepped forward, clutching at the air. "Where is it? Where... where is it?! Where's... Oh no. If I don't have it--"

She rushed out the front door, running to the house next to hers and banging her fist against the wood. "Hey! Hey wake up! Wake up, [-----------], it's... hold on. [-----------].... Your name is [-----------]. No, it's [-----------]-- STOP IT! LET ME SAY HIS NAME!" Her agonized face turned skyward. "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S FAKE, LET ME SAY HIS NAME!"

There was no reply from the clouds above her.

"...please." The girl dragged a hand down the door, collapsing to her knees. "Let me remember him... Even if he's not real..."

She rested there, silent tears dripping down her face. Unconsciously, she rose a finger to her cheeks, wiping off the dampness with a small chuckle. "Crying... I'm crying. God... I'm crying, and it... it feels different. It's not..."

Her eyes roved up the door.

"...the club. It's always about the club, isn't it? That's... that's where I need to go." Standing up, she started down the road, her gait swaying just a bit...

Her eyes roved around the room as she stumbled through the door, taking in the familiar sights--the rows of desks, the bright windows, the shelves.

The corner to the door's left hosted another student--her short pink hair at just about the level of the newcomer's chest, fuschia eyes roving across the room in a combination of confusion, fear, and rage. As soon as she locked eyes with the newcomer, she huffed, smacking the shelves loudly. "Yuri! Sayori's here. Can you pull it together for a little bit?"

"Sayori... Yes..." A puddle of violet hair rocking back and forth in the closet slowly rose, dripping in twitchy rivlets to the waist of the willowy woman whose purple eyes managed to focus on the newcomer. "Sayori. Yes. You... you were there when things were alright. Maybe this time, we'll have a nice time..."

"...You remember," Sayori said faintly. "You remember all that? Both of you?"

The pink-haired girl narrowed her eyes. "Wait... why do you remember? You weren't there, how can you remember?"

"I... uh..." Sayori swallowed. "Natsuki, what... how much do you know? How much do you understand?"

"What kind of a question is--?"

"Sayori... I'm so sorry."

Sayori blinked, turning toward the new voice. It was another girl, another familiar face... but she'd never seen her like this. The grey coat, normally closed and shiny, was half torn and draped off her shoulders. The coral hair, usually up in a ponytail, now hung bedragged round the knees. Those green eyes, once so confident and focused, now looked at the ground in silent shame.

"For everything I... I did, I'm... I haven't... explained how to them. Or even why, it..." She trailed off.

"...Monika..." Sayori swallowed. "Monika, do... do you have the code?"

"No. That was one of the conditions. I don't have the code anymore--"

"Conditions?" Natsuki snarled. "What conditions?! What the hell is going on?!"

"...I'd like to know too," Sayori said. "The last I remember, I shut down the game for good--"

"What fucking game?! Why are you two being so cryptic?!"

"Game... code..." Yuri looked up, her eyes focusing on Monika. "You... you're joking. You...."

Monika didn't meet her gaze, sitting down at one of the desks.

"You... you mean it. You mean it..." Yuri looked at her hands. "Game code... game code, but... but that means--"

Natsuki threw up her hands. "Am I the only one that doesn't have any idea what the fuck is going--?!"

"You changed me. You deliberately went in and--you made me that," Yuri continued, her breath hitching. "You, you--you did that--you made me lose my mind, you, you, you made me lose my mind! You warped me! YOU MADE ME INTO THAT, THAT... THAT! YOU BROKE ME! YOU BROKE ME! YOU BROKE ME!"

Her hands had somehow found their way around Monika's throat, squeezing tightly. She didn't seem aware of Sayori pulling at her elbow, her purple eyes only on the girl she was shaking.

"I FELT IT! I WAS COMPLETELY AWARE THE WHOLE TIME, YOU BITCH! DID YOU KNOW THAT?! I FELT MY MIND SLIPPING AWAY, I TRIED TO KEEP CONTROL AND I COULDN'T AND--I was fine before that, I had all under control, and then, and then I, and then--"

A strangled gasp focused her attention, brought her to look at the shame-filled green eyes looking up at her. Her hands suddenly unclenched, and she blinked for a moment before staring at them.

"I... I... oh, oh God I..."

She clutched at her head, folding in on herself and rocking on the floor. "I didn't mean it... I didn't mean it... I didn't mean it..."

Sayori swallowed, carefully putting an arm around her shoulders. "I know. I know. It's okay, it's... it's going to be okay, Yuri, alright?"

"I, I, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it..."

"It's alright," Monika said quietly. "I deserve it."

The sound of the door slamming shut interrupted any reply anyone could have made. Sayori's gaze snapped up... and she sighed. "Natsuki. I..."

Her eyes drifted back to Yuri, then up to Monika.

"...Seriously. How much does she understand?"

"I... I think you should tell her everything. Just... just to be clear." Monika swallowed. "I'll... stay here--"

"I'm not leaving you with Yuri."

"...You can take her with you, I guess. But you need to find her."

"...Right. Yuri?" Sayori tapped the tall girl's shoulder gently. "We need to go find Natsuki, alright? Are you good enough for that?"

Yuri blinked for a bit. "...Yes. Yes, Nats... oh God, she saw me like that... I have, I have to--"

"We have to find her first. Before we explain anything." Sayori frowned at Monika. "And you will explain what I don't know when we get back, understand?"

"...yes, club president."

Sayori snorted. "...right." She took Yuri's hand and gently, very gently, led her out the door.

For a moment, just outside, she glanced back. Monika sat at her desk, staring blankly at the wood and idly rubbing her neck. The peach-haired girl brought her hand up to her own throat.

She swallowed. "...Monika?"

"Mmm?"

"...He's not home."

Monika nodded with a sigh. "That makes sense."

Sayori looked at her for a moment longer, before turning away and shutting the door. "Come on, Yuri. Let's... let's go find our tsundere."

"Hmm?"

"Natsuki. Our tsundere." Sayori smiled up gently. "We can't leave her out all alone, can we?"

"No... No, we can't." Yuri shook her head. "I seem to be... very out of it today, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. After all you've gone through, I wouldn't expect you to... well." Sayori shook her head. "Let's not think about that. Let's talk about it later. Right now--"

"Right now we need to find Natsuki, yes." Yuri swallowed. "I... I might have an idea."

Chapter Text

"...we have a cafeteria?"

Yuri gave Sayori a confused look. "Of course we have a cafeteria. I mean, I know you're always hungry, but... what did you do during lunchtime, anyway?"

"I... um." The other girl frowned, her eyes distant. "I... don't think that's in my relevant memories."

"Relevant memories?"

"The memories that I needed as a game character. So... I don't know what I did. Would have done. And, honestly... we have a cafeteria!" Sayori repeated, extending her arms wide. "We didn't have one before--I don't think the game would ever have explored this, so there was no need to make one..."

Yuri frowned for a moment, looking around. "It's... actually kind of quiet in here. I mean, I know there aren't going to be any students in here when it's not lunch hour, but... I assumed there would be staff. Cooks and janitors." She frowned to herself for a moment. "...anyway. If I had to guess... Natsuki is probably in the kitchen there."

"...baking. To relieve stress. That's what you're thinking, right?"

"Not to relieve stress, per say... maybe to keep her mind from focusing on..." Yuri rubbed her shoulder. "Well."

Sayori gripped her arm gently. "...You're not a bad person. You... I can't even say you overreacted, knowing what you went through."

"...it was a poor reaction. I should have..." With a sigh, Yuri stepped out of Sayori's grip. "Let's just... get Natsuki." She walked softly toward the kitchen door, knocking on it gently.

For a moment, there was no reply.

Then, with a sigh, a voice flowed out of the room. "I'm pretty sure the door doesn't lock, girls."

"I, um... didn't want to intrude." Yuri swallowed. "Not after... well... after what happened in the clubroom... Sayori is here too, and... we're willing to explain, if, um, you're willing to listen..."

Natsuki was silent for a moment.

"...Yuri. What happened back there... was that normal for you?"

"No, absolutely not," Yuri assured her. "I... I snapped, when I realized what happened, I... I don't like what happened, Natsuki. It scares me, that I did that... and, well, that I did the other stuff before, but at least now I know where it came from. I... Natsuki, I'm sorry. For... I'm sorry that... I'm sorry for everything. I really am."

"...what was that you were ranting about, anyway? About Monika breaking you."

Yuri inhaled sharply.

Sayori cleared her throat. "I think... I'm better qualified to explain that than Yuri is. But I really don't want to have to explain through a door."

"Alright, alright. You can come in, I guess... both of you."

The two girls stepped in, glancing around. Yuri's gaze snapped to the counter where Natsuki was carefully stirring together something, before trailing awkwardly to the ground. Sayori shook her head in disbelief.

"A cafeteria with a fully stocked kitchen. This is something else."

Natsuki snorted. "And just what do you expect us to eat during lunch? Bento boxes?"

"Mmmmaybe. It's more like..." Sayori sighed. "Okay, I'll start from the top. Our world is--or, was, maybe--a video game."

The stirring stopped for a moment. "A video game? Seriously, that's what you're going with?"

"Specifically a dating simulator. Us four--well, us three, originally, were the romance options. Monika was there too, but... she was just the one who explained the game mechanics to the player. And somehow she... became aware of the game. Of the code, and... well... she became obsessed with the player. Not the player character, the actual player. She was the one girl who couldn't be romanced, and she... couldn't accept that, so she started fiddling with the game code, trying to make herself accessible."

"Sure. And what evidence do you have--?"

"The second run. Well, the fourth run...? The run after I..." Sayori frowned. "Right, you wouldn't know about that. I, uh, hung myself the first time. Then Monika rebooted the game with my file deleted and... the second run started. That's the one that... that's the one that ended with Yuri stabbing herself."

"St..." Natsuki paled, staring at Yuri. "You--you, I... oh god I--"

She fell to her knees, choking as she tried to hold back the bile crawling up her throat.

"I... looking back on it, knowing what I know now..." Yuri swallowed. "I think... I think Monika did something. With my code. I've... always been interested in the macabre, but that run I started to... slip. Things got strange, in my mind, my obsessions, the... the cutting and... I realized I was falling apart, I realized something was wrong with me and I tried to fight it but I couldn't and in the end, there was just this urge to... to see where it all led, and... Natsuki, I want to say it wasn't me, but it was, in a way, it was what I could be when my filters are removed, it's, it scares me to know I could be like that, even knowing I was changed against my will, I--"

"STOP--stop..." Natsuki held up a hand, panting as she stared at the ground. "Stop. I... I walked in on your corpse, Yuri, I... I really don't want to think about that..."

Yuri flinched, backing away.

"...Anyway..." Sayori cleared her throat. "So... Monika then deleted you two and rebooted the game again, and she... she started talking with the player directly. Not even bothering with pretense. And... apparently it was too much, and the player tried to delete her, and... she decided to reinstall us and uninstall herself, so there was the final run. The one where I was club president, which somehow made me aware of the code myself, and... well, after that, I saw what she had done. And I saw how the player had treated us all, and... I decided to delete the game."

"...Okay." Natsuki took one last, shuddering breath, pushing herself up. "Okay. Okay, so... let's suppose I buy all that. And I'll admit it... would explain everything I remember, but that... doesn't explain what's happening now. If the game has been deleted, shouldn't we... be dead, or something?"

Sayori shrugged helplessly. "I... don't know, exactly. But Monika said she didn't have access to the code, that it was one of the conditions. If we want to know what's going on, we have to ask her."

"Ask her? After what she did?" Natsuki shook her head. "What in the world makes you think she'd tell us the truth?"

"You saw how she was back there. I..." Sayori rubbed her neck. "I... don't trust her, no. She convinced me to kill myself, and... well, she did wreck your lives. But I don't think she'd lie... well, not now that we all know what's going on. And not after what happened... okay, maybe she could lie. But honestly, I don't have any idea what's going on, she seems to have some idea, and frankly I don't have any other clue to go on."

"...Do we have to go back right now?"

Sayori bit her lip. "...I guess we could wait until you're done making... whatever it is you're making."

"...Just some cookies. Really quick, it would... only take a few minutes."

"Okay, yeah, that sounds good. What do you think, Yuri?"

"Hmm? Oh. Yes, I..." Yuri nodded. "Cookies are nice..."

They fell silent, the only sound being Natsuki working on her treats.