Archive of Our Own

What made Shouta halt completely in his movements and squint his eyes suspiciously at the back of Hizashi's head was the fact that the other man’s fingers were tapping.

That wasn't unusual though. Hizashi had a lot of nervous ticks. Sucking on his lower lip when he was in thought or uncertain, tapping his fingers to the beat of – real or imagined – music when he was idle, whistling when he was bored or waiting for something which was often times accompanied by one of his feet tapping.

It wasn't the fact that Hizashi was tapping his fingers that made Shouta's mouth draw into a thin line but the fact that it had no rhythm to it. Tap. Tap tap tap. Tap – pause – tap tap, tap – pause – tap – sudden change of fingers, switching from pointer to ring finger – tap, tap…

This wasn't Hizashi following a beat that only he could hear, it wasn't an idle motion or something he did while he was thinking…

This was a nervous jitter, following no pattern, just movement for the sake of releasing anxious energy.

Shouta face smoothed out into a deliberately neutral expression as he walked towards the living-room couch. He leaned over the back of the sofa and watched for a few more seconds. Tap, tap tap, tap – pause…

“What are you working on?” he asked, eyes trailing from restless fingers to the chaos of papers strewn over the living-room table.

Hizashi positively flinched. Shouta watched him blink twice in bewilderment before the blond man slowly turned his head towards him.

“What?” Hizashi asked back, brows furrowed by now.

Dry expression still in place Shouta just waved in the general direction of the table – choosing not to press on why Hizashi was so skittish.

“Oh...” the blond man said. Lamely. “I’m only correcting the last pop quiz” there was a short but still somehow awkward pause “It was only vocabulary stuff yet there are still a handful of students who completely screwed up” Hizashi frowned at the pile of papers in front of him “Don’t even know how they managed to do that. I only asked words that we already repeated a few times and I was all like ‘Maybe you should look up your vocabulary, wink, wink’ ” a soft sigh “How much more obvious should I make it?”

Shouta watched as the other man raised a hand to shove his glasses back up his nose with his middle finger.

“You shouldn't tell them at all. A pop quiz is supposed to catch them off guard”

Another sigh “Still… I never had a class that had such a rift going through it in terms of studying and grades. Like, take Yaoyorozu-san for example. Straight A’s. Every test” he sucked his lip between his teeth for a second, brows furrowing “Then on the other hand you have Kaminari-kun, I mean, man” the last part was a high-pitched, loud sigh “At this point I have to change the way I grade stuff just so I can drag him along”

Shouta gave a soft hum to signal that he was listening. He was quiet for a second after Hizashi had ended his lamentations “You shouldn't do that”

Hizashi snorted derisively.

“No” Shouta gave back “I mean it. He wants to be a hero but for that to happen he has to get through his classes first. If he can’t be bothered to make the first step before the second one then that's that”

“But it’s bitter to fail just because of a language”

“His maths or literature scores aren't good either for your information” Shouta pointed out. As the home-room teacher all grades had to be passed to him and Kaminari’s were everything but pretty.

“But I don't think he’s stupid. I just think he’s incredibly lazy. Maybe I should try and make my lessons a bit more…” a hand waved through the air “Exciting? Interesting?”

It was Shouta's turn to snort now “How much more exciting do you want to make your lessons? You’re already doing everything short of having a theatre performance”

Hizashi's face fell slightly at that, he gave an unhappy hum “I don't know… Maybe I can try using more colours? Or maybe give book assignments?”

“If he’s too lazy to read the vocabulary then what makes you think he would read an actual book?”

“Well” Hizashi gave back, a slightly cocky grin on his face “I’m sure I will think of something, after all...”

He was interrupted by the shrill blaring of loud pop music.

“Ah! Crap!” Hizashi exclaimed, jumping up from the couch so fast that the papers rustled from the sudden air-shift. He hastily bowed over the table and picked his phone up, tapping a few times on the screen and a moment later the alarm shut off again.

“Sorry Shouta, I have to hurry” he stuffed his phone into his right pocket and then nearly stumbled over himself to get to his directional speakers as fast as possible. He snapped it in place around his neck before he made a grab for his tinted glasses and switched them with his casual pair that he always wore at home.

Shouta followed his steps slowly, drawing up at the edge of the genkan as Hizashi was shoving on his boots.

“Try not to be a show-off” Shouta said, repeating their usual spiel.

“I’ll try” Hizashi answered after he was done with his boots. He straightened upwards again. For a second he drew his bottom lip between his teeth “I’ll have to rush to the station after patrol today”

Shouta hummed as a sign that he understood.

“So” Hizashi went on “Try to be careful when you go out for your own patrol later”

“I’ll try”

Hizashi gave a short nod “Good” he said and then pushed up on his tip-toes to bridge the small height-gap between them that the genkan’s depression caused.

For a moment all haste was forgotten as their lips lips meet in a slow, gentle kiss. Just a press of lips. Hizashi's palms resting against Shouta's chest and Shouta's left hand cupping around the other mans jaw.

After a few long seconds Hizashi drew back a sliver “Love you” he said so softly it was nearly a whisper.

“Love you too” Shouta gave back just as quietly, voice dropping even lower than it usually was.

Time snapped back into place violently and inescapably. Hizashi dropped back down so he was standing properly on his feet. The lock clicked, the door swung open, a little too much force while shutting it again, the rattling of the lock as it was closed from the other side again and then utter silence.

Shouta gave a soft huff. Everything seemed normal. Maybe he had just been seeing white mice before – automatically expecting the worst as soon as something even slightly out of the usual happened.

Being an underground hero had made him extraordinary aware of patterns and even more aware of the times those patterns were broken – and the implications that could have, the potential danger.

But this wasn't some crime ring or a potential ambush, this was his domestic life and sometimes things changed or just happened without needing an explanation or hinting at something clearly amiss.

So what? Hizashi's tapping had had no clear patter, maybe he had been circling songs in his mind, or tapping to words instead of beats. There was no reason for Shouta to get paranoid over something silly as that.

He shook his head over his own antics as he made his way to the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee. He had grading of his own to do and if he was fast enough he might be able to get an hour or two of shut-eyes in afterwards – before he had to go do his own hero-work.

With that he shoved the thought out of his mind again. Life had no clear pattern and he would be an idiot if he tried to force one on it – peculiarities just happened for time to time.

################

Life went on and Shouta had already nearly forgotten the curious incident again. He woke up Saturday afternoon and spent a few more minutes lazing around. The evenings from Tuesday to Wednesday and from Saturday to Sunday were his free days – at least when it came to hero work – and he mainly used those days to catch up on sleep and any chores he might have disregarded over the last days.

In the end he pushed himself up, ruffling a hand through his messy hair to untangle the wavy strands at least a little. He walked out of the bedroom and was greeted by the view of Hizashi.

That in itself wouldn't be too strange. They had both moved in together when they had still been in their early twenties, furthermore Hizashi was an early riser and it would have been more strange to find him still rolling around in bed in the afternoon than finding him moving around their small house.

It was his outfit that stumped Shouta and made him stop in his track, eyes immediately fixing on black leather.

He silently watched Hizashi bustle around their living-room. A stack of papers in one hand and his phone in the other hand – it seemed as if he was completely absorbed in typing out a message.

Shouta frowned as he noticed the quietly tapping, socked foot and the furrowed eyebrows the other man sported. Jittering, he realized. Hizashi was jittery again, nervously moving without rhythm or beat, the motions nothing more than an outlet for pent up energy or emotions.

“Morning” he said gruffly, announcing his presence, his voice still rough from disuse.

Hizashi flinched, the papers in his left hand giving a rustling noise while his right hand suddenly clutched the phone with much too much force.

“Ah” the blond man laughed nervously “Shou-chan, morning, did you sleep well?”

Shouta’s eyes slitted a little at that, giving the other man one of his normal, blank, soul-piercing stares. But Hizashi only smiled at him, even if it seemed a little odd around the edges.

Hizashi held his gaze effortlessly and Shouta's face smoothed out again at the realization that the other man wasn't avoiding his eyes. So whatever was going on couldn't be too bad.

In the end Hizashi truly was the only person Shouta had ever meet who didn't just had no problem starring him straight in the eye but who actually actively sought out his gaze – answering his dark stare with a happy smile and crinkling eyes of his own.

So the few times Hizashi tried to avoid his gaze were the times Shouta had to be extra vigilant – because something was clearly amiss.

The beautifully circling, electric-green eyes that stared at him right now calmed his own uncertainties though.

“Are you going somewhere?” he asked back. Not falling for Hizashi's distraction tactic.

Hizashi gave a high-pitched titter before clearing his throat “I know Saturday and Tuesday evenings are for us… but my agency called, they need back up for a case that one of my colleagues is on right now”

Shouta crossed his arms in front of his chest “You just wanted to sneak out without telling me” he said, it wasn't a question.

Hizashi gave a strained smile. It dropped a second later “I wanted to go without waking you” he corrected “You barely get enough sleep on a normal week”

Shouta only shot him a look, one eyebrow raised in a demanding fashion.

“I actually left a note on the kitchen table” Hizashi added, it sounded like a squawk.

Shouta let out a huff through his nose “Try not to be a show-off” he conceded without ever putting up a fight in the first place. Hero-work was unpredictable. Emergencies just came up without warning and it would neither be the first nor the last time that their work pulled them in different directions.

During some especially busy periods of time in the past they had only seen each other in the teachers lounge at school and even then only in passing. That was just how it was sometimes.

“I’ll try” Hizashi gave back. A broad smile appeared on his face “Hey, how about we order in food tonight? The whole thing shouldn't take too terribly long, so I'm going to be back for dinner at the latest and then...”

Loud techno music suddenly reverberated through the house. It made Shouta's mouth pull down in distaste, not necessarily because of the noise but because of the implication of said blaring – that was the ringtone Hizashi used for work-related numbers.

“Present Mic speaking” the blond man answered his phone, voice loud and exuberant, full of smiles – no one could have guessed that Hizashi's face was currently distorted into a nearly angry, displeased frown.

“Yeah…

Yeah…

Wait a moment – no back up…

But-

No of course not but you know that today…

…

I see… yeah”

Hizashi clicked the phone off again, his hand falling down again slowly. His expression one of disappointment. It was quiet for a few stifling seconds – then he spoke up again.

“The guy responsible for the Tuesday to Wednesday and Saturday to Sunday evening-broadcasts got sick. No voice...” he trailed off into awkward silence.

“They are calling you in” Shouta said, this wasn't a question either. It was spoken in the flat certainty that one used to retell a universal fact, something that everyone should already know.

More silence “Yeah...” it sounded beaten down. A second later Hizashi perked up again though “But I mean, you can still order in and I think tonight is the night that this horrible looking shark movie is on TV, so you have to watch that and tell me about it tomorrow, yeah?”

They both knew Shouta wouldn't watch it. It was true, he liked nonsensical movies but they were only enjoyable as long as Hizashi was watching them with him. Watching them alone was more akin to self-flagellation than entertainment and Shouta had no patience to sit through such nonsense when he was on his own.

Shouta closed his eyes for a second, the cold, ever present burn right behind his lids. He opened them again and unfolded his crossed arms. He bridged the gap between them, left hand raising to cup around Hizashi's right cheek.

He pulled the other man closer, angling Hizashi's face so that they could kiss without the other mans directional speakers getting in the way. It was a chore but they both had learned how to deal with it over the years so that – by now – it was nothing more than a miniscule inconvenience.

Their lips touched in a soft kiss that only lasted a few heartbeats. Hizashi pulled back first but seemed to think better of it only a second later. He dipped in again, pressing another gentle kiss against Shouta's mouth, his hands raising to tangle in black, wavy strands. Holding close.

In the end they parted again.

“I have to get going” Hizashi spoke quietly.

Shouta only gave a low hum.

Their hands dropped and they stepped back from each other.

Hizashi was chewing on his bottom lip for a second “Love you” he said.

“Love you too” Shouta answered. This too was a fact, something that Shouta knew would never change.

As was typical for them they stayed silent afterwards. Shouta watched Hizashi leave and when he finally heard the key turn in the lock – closing it – he started moving again.

He padded into the kitchen and grabbed the half full, still lukewarm coffee pot. He poured himself a mug and – out of the corner of his eyes – saw an already used mug in the sink. It was a black one with a white band logo on the front – Hizashi's.

He frowned at the mug for a few long moments. Something was off, he felt it in his bones. It made him paranoid, like he had to search every corner of the house for something lurking just out of sight, laying in wait, patiently bidding it’s time till the moment to pounce was finally there.

It was the same feeling Shouta got when he was out paroling and it was too quiet – or not quiet enough. When he was hiding in a dark nook and he could hear feet approaching. The same feeling that made him hold his breath even when he rationally knew that no one would be able to spot or even hear him.

Years of survival instinct suddenly told him that something was off while his logical mind – quite rightfully – pointed out that he was over-reacting. Nothing was wrong. The house was quiet, life continued like it always did and there was no potential monster waiting for a fatal miss-step.

He took a sip from his lukewarm, black coffee.

So why did it feel like the fine hair on the nap of his neck suddenly stood on edge?

################

Shouta was on high alert from that point forward. Something was strange but for the life of him he couldn't point his finger at what exactly it was and it drove him up the walls. He only knew it had something to do with Hizashi.

The other man was obviously on edge but everytime Shouta asked about his work he would insist that nothing extraordinary had happened – with the exception that the case that was initially supposed to be short had turned into something much bigger apparently, with a lot of paperwork attached to it on top of everything else.

Nothing had happened in school either. Sure, they were getting closer and closer to finals week and both pupils as well as teachers felt an encroaching sense of dread – though for very different reasons.

Everything at the radio station seemed to be fine as well, it was a little busy, since Hizashi's colleague would be out of the game for longer than expected, but still.

It finally hit Shouta a few days later on Thursday morning when he dragged his feet over the threshold after his nightly patrol – at half past five in the morning.

The first school period would begin at half past eight. So Shouta only had roughly two more hours for himself. He needed to shower in that time, grab all his things and…

He was moving through the house like on autopilot, silently making his way into the kitchen so he could at least make a fresh pot of coffee and drink one of his nutrition packs.

Hizashi's alarm would start wailing at six on the dot as well… Maybe he could use that for his own gain and crash on the couch for at least twenty more minutes before Hizashi's clamour would wake him again.

His steps came to a stop when he flicked the light of the kitchen on – he was greeted by a half full pot of coffee, a sticky-note on the side of the machine and an empty nutrition pack beside the sink. He blinked at the scene, once, twice before he made his way to the coffee machine and pulled the note off.

‘Remembered I still had to do something at school so I left early. See you in school’

It was signed with the Latin letter H. A few hearts were drawn around the ‘see you’ and there was a wink-smiley after ‘school’.

Shouta's mouth pulled into a frown as he starred at the note as if it had personally wronged him.

…

Everything suddenly clicked into place, like the last missing cog in a clock had just been added again.

The clock-hands were moving again and now all the jittering and nervous motions made sense.

Shouta nearly wanted to slap himself with how oblivious he had been. He had been so caught up in his own swamped schedule he had been completely blind to the stress that was very likely weighting Hizashi down right now.

Sure, Hizashi was amazing at multi-tasking and combined with his nearly boundless energy and enthusiasm it sometimes seemed like he never tired at all. But Shouta knew better. They had been together for so long by now – half their life's.

He should have known better.

He knew better but he still hadn't been able to recognize the tells. Even though he had seen it before, the jittering, the hurried, graceless movements, too much exuberance to mask everything else…

The knowledge slammed into Shouta with such a force that he had to sit down on one of the kitchen chairs. By god, he should have known. He let his head sink into his hands.

Right now his body ached, his eyes were dry, he was behind with his grading and with the police related paperwork for one of his last cases too, and he still had to finish the questions of two tests for finals week.

And that was only him.

He who only had two jobs and nothing else on his platter.

He couldn't imagine how Hizashi was currently feeling. Buried under a mount of work from three different jobs and still having to smile for the ever present cameras – juggling interviews and meetings with his managers and his PR department and so much more – it made Shouta's head spin just thinking about all that trouble and the nightmare that the media had evolved into over the last decade or so.

He raised his head and combed one of his hands through his hair for a few seconds, thinking.

Barely a moment later he pushed himself upwards, the chair scrapping over the floor. He poured himself a mug of the still somewhat warm coffee and then washed his hands and made his way to the fridge.

Shouta arrived at UA quarter past seven. Most rooms were still dark and the corridors were blessedly silence. He opened the door to the teachers room. The first thing he saw was Hizashi's hunched over from.

It was so obvious now that Shouta actually knew what he should be looking for.

Hizashi scrawled sloppy comments on the edge of whatever paper he was currently revising. There was non of the usually grace, no gently curving characters, no silly drawings, not even the common sight of exclamation marks.

Just to the point comments in a barely legible hand. Pen held between slightly trembling, red-tipped fingers.

Hizashi's hunched, stiff shoulders, the jittery bounce of one of his legs, the way his abused and by now chapped bottom lip was drawn between his teeth.

Shouta couldn't see his eyes but he didn't need to. He knew what they would look like, wide open, flickering over the paper not unlike an animal looking for the escape from a sealed cage. Dark rings underneath dull, aggravated green.

The room was empty except for them. Most teachers who taught first period usually only appeared at around half past seven or later – which still gave them roughly an hour before roll-call.

“Morning” Shouta greeted but the only answer he got was the soft, barely audible scratching of a pen, still writing odd characters – no. It was more akin to drawing, painting something you had never attempted before, shakily tracing lines to make it look somewhat decent.

“Morning” Shouta repeated, louder this time.

There was the by now nearly painfully familiar flinch. The pen clattered to the floor, followed by a soft ‘fuck’ as Hizashi immediately bowed down to pick it back up again. His motions too seemed off, too slow, too deliberate, not unlike a drunk person trying to act sober.

Hizashi sat back up after he had gotten a handle of his pen again. His mouth was pinched in a way that made it seem like even that small task had been utterly exhausting. For a heartbeat he looked like a puppet with cut strings before the media-friendly mask slammed into place like the door of a jail cell.

“Good morning, Eraser” Hizashi grinned, arms moving in a fast, animated circle before stopping to finger gun at Shouta “Didn’t hear you getting here”

Shouta only hummed, deeply displeased, a slight scowl on his face and at his reaction he could clearly see a few cracks appearing in Hizashi's mask, his grin suddenly a little too forced, a little too strained.

Shouta stepped closer and with deliberate slowness placed a small box on Hizashi's table.

“Oh, what is that? A fan present” Hizashi tried to jape but Shouta's expression was still the same displeased scowl that could cower lesser men.

“It’s breakfast” he answered, voice both accusing and demanding at the same time.

Hizashi seemed stumped for a second, his eyes – hidden behind tinted glasses – settling on the box.

“Wait!” he burst out in sudden realization “You made me a lunch box?”

Shouta leaned back, arms crossing over his chest “You got a problem?”

“What? No! I'm just surprised, I mean you usually… I mean” his mouth opened and closed but no sound came out and Shouta's eyes slitted. Hizashi might be prone to rambling but he never had such difficulties finding words in the first place.

“I mean” Hizashi repeated for the third time before he feel silent for a second “Thank you” he finally settled on.

More silence and Shouta's frown smoothed out, it made room for an expression of exhaustion coupled with fond annoyance “When was the last time you slept?”

Hizashi opened his mouth but Shouta cut him off before he could say something “For longer than twenty minutes?” it sounded nearly forceful and he could see Hizashi's brows furrowing in that particular way of his.

“If you have to think about it, it’s been too long ago” Shouta breathed out, closing his eyes for a second, tiredly. He sat down at his own table, turning his chair so he could face Hizashi.

“We are going home together after school” he said, voice much softer, his expression gentle.

Hizashi was fumbling with the lid of the box, the fingers of one hand tapping at the corner once or twice before his nails scratched over the plastic, followed by more tapping.

Tap, tap tap, tap – pause – tap, tap, tap tap… no rhythm.

Shouta raised his right hand to reach over, he placed it on top of Hizashi's tapping fingers. His mouth pulled into a tight line as he noticed how alarmingly cold Hizashi's fingers were. The voice hero’s body temperature always seemed to drop when he was overexerting himself for too long periods of time.

“I mean… I’d like that but we are still on that case and my agency expects me to come in as soon as I am able to and-”

“No” Shouta said softly in a tone that booked no argument, his hand gently tightening his hold on Hizashi's “You don't understand. That wasn't an offer. We are going home together after school”

Hizashi's face seemed to darken at that “I have to be at the agency, I can’t tell them off”

“You can” Shouta gave back in the unwaveringly confident tone a parent would use to encourage their self-conscious child to do something they were unsure or afraid of.

The other man’s expression morphed into a slight snarl “I really can’t. Look, I'm annoyed too, Shou, believe me I am. But I need to go”

Shouta let out a huff “I’m not annoyed” he said and it was true. He wasn't irritated because work was pulling them in two completely different directions and they couldn't see each other for more than two or three hours a day. That just happened sometimes. That was life and they both had learned to plan their relationship around all the bustle.

What he was annoyed about was the fact that Hizashi was driving himself into the ground. He could see it in the tense line of the other man’s shoulders, in the way one of his legs bounced with nervous exhaustion even now… how there was a cut on his bottom lip that most likely was a result of his anxious chewing.

“You can barely write legibly and you really want to go on patrol?” Shouta challenged, one of his brows raising. He saw Hizashi's jaw jump in response.

“We are still on that case...” he repeated again, more forcefully.

“You haven't made any steps forward as far as I know. They don't need you to simply search around”

“What if they find the villain and I'm not there, huh?!”

“They can call you”

“It might be too late then. I might not make it in time!”

Shouta let out a soft sigh through his nose. This was like arguing with himself in his mind when he knew he needed rest and had to rationalize to himself that a pause wouldn't result in the end of the world and that his work would go more smoothly if he could just, for a second sit. Down.

“ ‘Zashi” he started, pitching his voice low and hoping that it would have the usual effect of soothing the other man. Unfortunately this time around it seemed to have the exact opposite effect.

“What the hell, Eraser?” oh? So they were back to hero names now? “I’m not some toddler. I can choose for myself. Don't you think I know best what I need or don't need?!”

“ ‘Zashi” Shouta tried to cut in, more imploringly this time around.

“Don’t ‘Zashi’ me now. I'm a grown ass man and I don't need you trying to dictate my life to me” Hizashi's voice was angry now.

Shouta's mouth thinned at that. He wasn't trying to boss the other man around. He would never dare to do something like that. Hizashi was lively, and excitable and bouncy, fluttering from one task or topic to another one in seconds – sometimes he could maybe even be described as a little wild.

Trying to force him into another life style would actively ruin everything Shouta loved about the other man.

And the accusation that he – of all people – would ever try and do something like that stung more than Shouta would like to admit.

“I have work and responsibilities not just to myself but to other people as well” Hizashi went on with his angry tirade “I expected you of all people to understand that! But what do I expect of a man who sleeps through his classes instead of actually teaching his children?!”

Shouta's teeth ground together. Now that was just a low blow. Hizashi, more than anyone else, should know that Shouta might have an unconventional teaching style but that all of it was done because – in the end – he truly cared for his classes and the individual children sitting in them.

He let out a controlled breath through his nose. This was fine. Hizashi was overworked and tired and very likely irritable – which was understandable, Shouta would be irritable too if he was in the same situation. The voice hero was simply lashing out and Shouta was an easy target right about now. He knew that and he could deal with it like a rational adult.

His face was carefully blank “Hizashi, just-”

“You can’t even properly take care of yourself but here you try to tell me what I should do Mister I-only-ate-one-nutrition-pack-over-the-course-of-three-days. This is just goddamn precious! Listen here! I have actual important work to do and can’t sleep half my day away”

Hizashi was only lashing out. It was fine. Shouta drew in a deep breath. He would let Hizashi vent, get it all out of his system and then they could talk properly.

“Of course what would you know of responsibilities? The only thing you can do is complain when things don't go your way. Boo-huu, I have work to do and poor Eraserhead isn't the pinnacle of my attention anymore, how tragic!”

Shouta's chest suddenly felt a little too tight.

“I’m not here to take care of your ass, you know? Grovel and do whatever you want me to do. Because seemingly all you can do is get on my nerves when I have stuff to do. Make yourself out to be a huge bother for me. That’s, like, the last thing I need right now. Telling me how to live my life just because you can’t get your way! The gall!!”

Shouta folded his hands together in his lap. They felt slightly unsteady all of a sudden.

“Just get lost, I don't need you! Just so you-”

Whatever else Hizashi was saying after that was drowned in the sound of blood roaring in Shouta's ears, he could feel his pulse in his neck, his eyes slightly widened but unseeing. He felt like he was the target of a game of Russian roulette and that last sentence had been the bullet hitting him square in the chest.

Old, nearly forgotten anxiety roared it’s ugly head and made it hard to breath. He was clutching his hands so tightly his knuckles had turned white but they were still shaking slightly.

“Good morning!” the door suddenly burst open and Kayama stepped into the room “Oh ho” she chuckled, sly grin on her face “Am I interrupting some alone time? Should I go out again?”

Hizashi's mouth snapped shut before his mask slipped back into place, he gave Kayama a broad grin, looking for all the world like nothing had happened “Good morning Midnight-san” finger guns “I don't know what you could be talking about” a faked giggle “How are you on this fine morn?” flowery language and a loud excited voice.

“A woman makes due, you know how it is” she gave one of her own grins in answer, it had a slightly mischievous edge. Her attention soon snapped from Hizashi to Shouta though and her smile became a bit more earnest.

“How are you today Aizawa-kun?” she asked easily but suddenly her smile seemed to freeze “You look a little under the weather?” she went on, now sounding more cautious, trying to dig for something without directly asking for it.

Life seemed to snap back into Shouta at that and he hastily pushed himself upwards “Fine” he groused out, feeling more unsteady than he should. He grabbed his notes and walked past Kayama and out of the room.

“Hey!” she half shouted after him “There’s still nearly an hour before class starts! Aizawa-kun?!”

He didn't turn around. He felt like he was trying to walk during an earthquake as his rational mind desperately tried to reign in whatever emotions were currently rampaging through him.

Hizashi had been lashing out and hadn't meant it.

He doesn't need you!

Hizashi had been irritable, it was understandable, he had a lot on his plate.

He doesn't want you!

Hizashi was just…

Annoyed by you!

Just…

Feed up with you! You are a burden! A bother! Useless! Worse than useless! Annoying!

Shouta opened the door to his empty classroom, he felt like he was watching himself, like he had an out of body experience while his thoughts reeled.

Time went on, his pupils came in, roll-call, class, another class, another…

At some point school ended and Shouta only blinked at the clock as if he couldn't quiet believe what it was showing him. Minutes and hours had lost their meaning for the duration of the school day and he couldn't for the life of him remember what he had said or done till now.

He had only been functioning. Doing what was expected of him while he felt like he had stopped breathing years ago and was only still going through the motions now.

He hadn't seen Hizashi even once during the day.

He went home alone.

And it was a small blessing. He arrived at the small house at around four. Thursday’s were his long days, where he had classes in the morning as well as one in the afternoon.

He opened the door, pulled off his shoes and sat down on the couch heavily. He breathed in all the familiar scents, coffee, honey and lavender, the still lingering scent of the breakfast he made this morning… and he closed his eyes.

It was quiet, no screaming children or chatty colleagues. He had nothing to do right now, no class to teach, nothing he had to keep in the back of his mind and so he started sorting through his emotions. Taking a little time for himself to untangle everything slowly.

It was already half past six when he let out a long, deep breath and slumped forwards a little, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together.

Hizashi had been furious. They had both known each other for half their life's. And Hizashi knew were to hit so it would hurt most. So it would feel like someone was twisting a knife in Shouta's chest.

That was all it had been.

And Shouta, like an idiot, had fallen for it, had lost himself in his own mind and doubts.

He straightened up a little and unclasped his hands. He raised one to comb his fingers through his hair in a soothing manner. Hizashi had wanted to be left alone and he had achieved his goal with ease and now Shouta was more angry with himself for falling into the obvious trap than he was with Hizashi for laying it in the first place.

Fine!

If Hizashi didn't want his concern then he would keep it to himself, Shouta thought spitefully, his jaw jumping angrily.

################

It had been a huge lie. As if Shouta could actually keep to himself when it was obvious that Hizashi was hurting in a very different way.

It was later – evening of the same day – that he watched Hizashi jitter through their house like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Reaching for something before stopping, a sudden expression of intense concentration, reaching for something else instead. Turning half-way on his way to the kitchen before nearly stumbling back to a pile of papers on the living-room table before getting up again a second later to get whatever he had wanted in the kitchen in the first place.

Shouta heaved a heavy sigh and made his way to were Hizashi was currently curled over what looked like a police report, his nose nearly touching the paper.

Shouta saw clearly how Hizashi's body tensed further and further the closer he came. Finally he sat down beside Hizashi.

It was stiflingly quiet. Like the dread-filled, foreboding, fearful silence that settled before a catastrophe happened.

Shouta had no interest in becoming that catastrophe though. So all he said was a simple, soft “Hey”

If anything Hizashi stiffened even further, wide, frightened eyes visible through his casual glasses. Looking for all the world like a deer, caught in the headlight and expecting the impact of a car any second now.

But Shouta had no interest in becoming that proverbial car either.

“How are you feeling?” he went on when he got no answer, his right hand raising so he could gently cup it around the tense fist of Hizashi's left.

A few beats of silence.

“Absolutely miserable” Hizashi finally answered, voice small and cracking on the last syllable, eyes still downcast. His mouth formed letters without actually pronouncing them and for a second it looked like he had gone mute.

“I… I am so sorry Shouta. I… god. I don't even know what to say right now. I… I am truly, truly sorry. I don't know why I got so angry. You did nothing wrong and I just… said all that and I… damn I didn't even mean it. You know that right? I really didn't mean it” the last two sentences sounded so desperate they made Shouta's heart squeeze a little. He started rubbing his thumb gently over Hizashi's cold, shaking fist under his right hand.

“I’m just...” the blond man went on, voice becoming uneven “I don't know. I'm just… everything is just so much right now and it feels like I'm suffocating and I have no room to breath and when I get low it feels like too much too and when I got angry earlier it was the same. I was annoyed one second and then the next all of that just burst out of me and I was suddenly so mad”

There was a sudden shaky inhale of breath

“And you didn't deserve that, you didn't deserve any of the horrible things I threw at you. You were only trying to help, you were only concerned for me and I threw it all back at you and then spat in your face to boot afterwards.

And I don't know why”

The last word devolved into a wet hiccup.

“I don't know why. I don't know why I have been so terrible to you when you only tried to be there for me.

And I only realized what I had said after you had already been out of the door and then I felt so bad but I was a giant coward who was afraid to follow you afterwards and… and...”

The first tears started rolling.

“And I'm so sorry Shouta and I know that nothing I can say could make up for anything I did before and I know ‘I’m sorry’ just doesn't cut it but I don't know what else to say.

And now” a sob.

“And now you sit here and ask me how I feel as if I didn't stab you right in the back just because I wanted to act like a piece of shit for no reason at all. How? How can you do that? You should yell at me, you should be so angry right now.

Why aren't you angry with me?”

Hizashi was shaking, tears streaking his splotchy red cheeks – it was the most colour Shouta had seen in his face over the last two days.

Shouta let out a long breath through his nose and then lifted his right hand from Hizashi's left again so he could reach over and take the pen out of Hizashi's clutching right fist. He let the writing utensil drop to the table and then reached both his arms up to pull Hizashi's glasses off his nose.

“No” the blond man hiccuped, more tears welling up in his eyes “No” he sobbed again “I don't” another hiccup “I don't deserve that I… I don't … I”

“Hush” Shouta gave back gentle, his hands by now cupping the back of Hizashi's head. He carefully pulled the other man closer till he could bury his face in Shouta's chest.

“No I-”

“I said hush” Shouta chastised softly, his fingers playing with the few thin hair at the back of Hizashi's neck that always somehow managed to escape his gelled hair tower. When had been the last time Shouta had actually seen the other man with his hair down?

“Listen” Shouta began after a few moments, Hizashi was trembling against his chest, his tears soaking into Shouta's sweater, his fingers clutching at the black material as if he was afraid, like a drowning man clutching at the last piece of driftwood.

“Are you listening ‘Zashi?” he asked softly and the other man nodded jerkily.

“I was angry” Shouta started, tone taking on a hard edge “Very angry. I was angry that you would exploit my weak spots like that even if I know that you might not have done it entirely on purpose. And I was angry that you didn't try to listen to me. And I was angry that you refused me like that when I only wanted to help you”

Every sentence seemed to be like a blow to Hizashi. The blond man flinched and seemed to shrink back at every word Shouta said, sobbing even harder but taking everything in without so much as a noise of complaint or self-defence.

Shouta let out a soft sigh before he continued, his voice suddenly much softer, pitched low.

“And I was angry at myself for stepping into your trap like that when I should know better. I was angry that I let you get away like that and I was angry that I got so lost in my mind that I forgot to do what I actually wanted to do in the first place. Like an idiot”

Shouta felt Hizashi shake his head against his chest.

“No” the other man sobbed “No that’s my fault. You shouldn't be angry at yourself if I-”

“I said hush” Shouta repeated, fingers gently playing with the fine blond hair on Hizashi's nap.

“But...”

“Hush” he tightened his hold a little, pressing Hizashi closer to his chest.

“The point is” Shouta continued “That I was angry. Past tense. I had time to think it all over and I cooled off again. I knew you didn't mean it and I knew you were only lashing out at an easy target. That doesn't make your behaviour any better but I at least understand it, okay? And I had already decided to forgive you even before you apologized”

“You shouldn't forgive me like-”

“Shut up!” despite the harsh words Shouta's tone was fondly exasperated “Do you really think you can tell me who to forgive and who not?” he teased good-natured. His fingers went back to playing with the few strands of blond hair that had resisted Hizashi's hair routine.

“I know that you are sorry ‘Zashi. I can see it. And I know that you mean it. Now listen here because I have something else to tell you”

“What?” Hizashi hiccuped and for a second it seemed like he wanted to fight Shouta's gentle hold “You can’t just end it like that, you should-”

“I am ending it like that. I am through with the topic and I got nothing to add. Don't make me repeat myself – you know I hate that” Shouta said and his words were final.

Hizashi's mouth snapped shut again.

“What I actually want to say right now” Shouta began again “Is that I'm sorry too”

“What?! Why?!” it burst out of Hizashi, he shoved his hands against Shouta's chest to push them apart a bit. Watery, shocked green eyes settled on Shouta in absolute bewilderment.

“I should have noticed earlier what was going on and I didn't. I'm sorry for that” Shouta answered, eyes softening as he held Hizashi's gaze “If I had just realized how you drive yourself into the ground it wouldn't even have gotten this far. We wouldn't even have this conversation right now”

“No!” it was vehement and nearly a little angry “Like hell I’ll let you shoulder the blame for this mess. This isn't your fault at all, it’s mine. I was acting like a brat, thinking I had the right to act like a complete-”

“ ‘Zashi”

“Don’t ‘Zashi’ me right now. I'm telling you-”

Shouta let out a snort and it made the other man pause.

“Hizashi” Shouta began again, lips slightly curved up at the corners in amusement. He deliberately used the other mans full name instead of the shortened form which usually functioned as a kind of endearment.

“Whoever you think is to blame for this” he reached one hand up to brush away a few stray tears that were still falling. His half smile dropped again and his expression became serious “It does not change the fact that I should have seen the signs.

Maybe even worse I knew that something was off but I still only realized what exactly it was this morning. I should have noticed this sooner but I was so absorbed into my own work that I completely disregarded the person most dear(closest) to me.

And I'm sorry for that. I truly am”

Hizashi's sobbing suddenly picked up again, and more tears spilled down his cheeks. He let himself fall forward to bury his face against Shouta's neck.

“You’re so good it hurts sometimes, do you know that?” Hizashi whispered softly, he sounded nearly pained “Seriously, what did I do to deserve someone like you? I would have dumped my ass years ago”

Shouta gave a snort “Well, you do have bad taste in men so no wonder you would stick with me but dump yourself”

“Don’t you dare try and make this funny. Now I'm mad that you are so much better than me”

“I’m not” Shouta said, tone dismissive.

“You are. Anyone else would hold a serious grudge”

“But that’s irrational”

“How is it irrational to be angry after I insulted you like that?”

“Being angry isn't the problem, holding a grudge is. You want to continue this relationship?”

“Of course I do” it was a soft whisper, sounding vulnerable “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You know that don't you? You’re not a bother and you aren't a burden. I just… I just want to spell that out, yeah?” Hizashi's hold suddenly tightened, fingers twisting hard into Shouta's sweater “Sometimes I feel like I'm the burden and you are the only thing holding me up… Like how it is right now”

Shouta's own embrace tightened minutely “Well, I want to continue this relationship too and holding something spitefully against you isn't going to help that”

It was quiet after that and when Hizashi's sniffling finally died down Shouta spoke up again “Let’s draw a bath”

“But I still have...” Hizashi started but then seemed to think better of it. He fell quiet again, fingers tightening and realising their hold on Shouta's sweater a few times “I need to be at the station later and I still have to finish my report and… I have too much to do Shouta” it sounded meek and desperate and weary.

Shouta let out a soft huff “I know” he exhaled “I know” he repeated again “But you are no use to anyone like that. You might get yourself actually hurt at this point”

“… I guess you’re right”

A short beat of silence.

“Is it… I mean, would it be presumption to ask if you could carry me to the bathroom? I don't think my legs are working properly anymore… Feels like I'm just stumbling at this point” Hizashi said and Shouta could nearly hear the displeased frown in the other mans voice.

“Hold on tightly” was his only answer.

Hizashi's hands drew up over Shouta's chest, cold fingers trailing over his neck and then slightly shaky arms locked around his shoulders. He got one arm under Hizashi's legs and one around his back and then lifted him up, cradling him gently against his chest.

“I need to call the station” Hizashi suddenly spoke up again, he rested the side of his head against Shouta's shoulder, one hand moving up to tangle in messy black hair “I need to tell them that I'm not coming in today”