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They all were best friends bound by their love to swim. They had eternal summer filled with following their dreams, chasing their hopes. They all have nothing but reached their ending. But even a happy ending is still an ending.
***
The photo which they took after the Regionals was at the very special place in Haru’s house. It wasn’t hard to notice it. It stood on the shelf next to the window and at noon sun always shone upon this photo, making it sparkle in the light. Near the frame stood trophy they won in the primary school. When others came to study, (Haru-chan house is so quiet! And studying together is much more funner! Nagisa-kun there is no such a word like funner , you should know it by know!) much to his annoyance, they always made fun of his ‘holy swimming shelf’. But in the end he didn’t mind, he knew that his time with them was coming to end.
After graduation they’ve thrown a big party, which was full of tears ( Nagisa’s part and maybe Rin’s but he covered it well), Rei’s efforts to find best days to meet in their next year and Makoto’s brightening, warming smiles. Rei and Nagisa still had their last year in high school but Makoto and Rin were leaving Iwatobi. Haru asked Rin once again about his dream. He wanted to swim as always. He was a little bit mad at Haru for not coming with him but he knew that pushing him into something that he wasn’t interested in doing wasn’t a good idea. It wasn’t like Haru didn’t want to swim with Rin anymore. There is no such a thing that he wanted more than swim with Rin. But he knew that world of competitive swimming wasn’t for him. He didn’t care for times and nobody but Rin could make him feel urge to try to put an effort. And he knew Rin had to focus on his own times and his own progress. Haru decided to not go to University as study wasn’t his thing. He had his parents money and house. He found nice job in aquarium. They’ve looked for somebody who was good at swimming, who would perform with dolphins. They were amazed at him. He would start a two weeks from now. Others were delighted, even Rin, who joked that he always knew that Haru wasn’t a human, he was just lost sea creature.
They spend this night looking at stars, making promises and laughing at stupid things. It was loud. It was annoying. But it was perfect .
***
The first one to go away was Makoto. Which was weird because he thought that Makoto will be always by his side. Encouraging him, telling him to eat less mackerel, not spend all of free time in bath. But he knows Makoto has his own dreams which he should follow. He would never stop him, he wasn’t so selfish. It still hurt. Looking at him leaving through his door, waving his at him, smiling just like it was another goodbye after sleepover. It wasn’t. He wouldn’t put his head above water filling his bathtub to Makoto’s voice calling him ‘Haru-chan’. He wouldn’t have to tell him to drop the ‘chan’.
But Haru was prepared to this as he wasn’t ‘Haru-chan’ anymore.
The second one was Rin. He went to Tokyo to improve his swimming. Haru’s house became so quiet and cold. He still told himself that it didn’t matter. It wasn’t for long and he should enjoy this silence while he could. He didn’t know how mistaken he was.
At the beginning they were long calls, rushed meeting in some café or bars, sharing stories of their life, what have changed, who did they meet, how they missed each other. Nagisa always came up with funny stories and still embarrassed Rei to no end. Makoto still behaved like their second mother, telling them to quiet down, to not disturb other clients. Rin still had this weird magnetism which brought Haru to him, wanting to tease him, make him smile or scoff in irritation.
But slowly it started to fade. Rin had little time as he was training. Makoto had to focus on his studies just like Rei who entered Todai. Their last meeting was at Haru’s house, filled with paper butterflies made by Nagisa. The cake was decorated with white letters which read ‘Congratulations Rei-chan!’. Nagisa told them of his first casting to some stupid soap opera. Just like Haru, he decided to drop his studies and planned to become a star. ‘I’m no good without coping Rei-chan’s homework!’ he said with bright smile making Rei frown upon that but saying nothing. It was really pleasant night. Full of memories he would cherish to end of his life.
***
Rin’s accident came suddenly. It was rainy night. Driver didn’t notice him as he was crossing street. It was partially Rin’s fault as he was a little bit tipsy, coming from bar, celebrating his victory which brought him closer to his Olympic dream. Doctors told him that he will be able to walk normally after a rehabilitation. But his knee was crushed beyond repair. Just like his own dream. They didn’t hear it from Rin. It was Gou who called Haru asking to talk to her brother. He tried but Rin didn’t even want to look at him. There were many hurtful words. Years of dealing with raw jealously, wasting effort, pain and hopelessness came from Rin’s mouth. Haru didn’t blame him. He didn’t even know what to say. After leaving hospital room he went to the beach. He thought about their last summer. About laughing voices, splashing of water and sunny days. He thought that maybe if he came with Rin just like Rin wanted him to, they could’ve avoid this. Maybe he would be in Rin’s place this night. Maybe he could save it all. But inside he knew it was too late to consider this. He was always too late. In grabbing his hand after lost match, in noticing his feelings of loneliness, self-loathing. He stood up, blinking wetness from his eyes and went to the hotel.
Calls stopped coming. Meetings were long forgotten. Well, they tried to met sometimes but it was forced. It wasn’t complete. Haru wasn’t surprised. Long time ago it was Rin who brought them together. It was perfectly normal that broken Rin meant broken group. It was hard to talk about their lives when one of them lost everything he desired. The one who was driving rest to try better, to chase their dreams. It was beginning of the end.
***
Two years later he was coming back from work when he saw this big screen at the building. They were promoting new, stupid, romance drama which he was sure Rin would have loved when he was still seventeen. Not like this mattered anymore. He stood on pavement, making people shoot him irritated glances as he blocked way. Nagisa hasn’t changed very much he thought to himself seeing his smiling face on the screen. He has gotten taller and his face lost its child’s look. It didn’t surprise Haru. He saw Nagisa’s face so many times last month. Magazines were full of his interviews and photos. He was famous star just like he wanted. He came to his happy ending that he choose for himself. Haru should feel proud, happy but instead he felt emptiness. He hung his head lower and started to move forward. Just like they were with their lives.
***
When he was twenty-six he met Rin in some bar. He had longer hair and red cane near his seat. And he was wasted. A barman looked relieved that somebody knew this young man. He didn’t want to deal with him after ending his work. Rin recognized him immediately. He didn’t say a word, just stood up with some difficulty, took his cane and looked at him. He didn’t even had to voice his question.
They went to Rin’s apartment. Their first kiss was slow but endearing. They could feel each other longing, hunger and desperation.
While laying on the bed, Haru kissed his eyebrows, kissed his nose, his eyelids, feeling water drops on his lips. It tasted salty. He didn’t want to think about it right know. Long time ago he told Rin not to cry but now he didn’t care. He would take Rin as he was with his flaws and tears. They moved against each other, their bodies fitting perfectly, it was just like they’ve done it million times before, not the first time. It wasn’t clumsy, they didn’t have to think, both knowing exactly what made other go crazy with lust and pleasure. And maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe it was supposed to feel like they’ve done it before. Because they knew that they were meant to be. They should know each other bodies by heart right know.
In perfect world they would live with each other. Haru would be preparing mackerel for breakfast despite Rin loud complaint. Behind ‘holy swimming shelf’ there would be golden medal, hanging on the wall. They would eat breakfast sitting at the table, watching poor drama on TV with blonde protagonist whose actor made their life brighter in the past. On the fridge, there would be postcards from boy with glasses who went to Europe to end his studies. Near TV there would be a photo of handsome, brown-haired man with kind, green eyes. Next to him there would be a beautiful girl, both wearing wedding kimonos and kind smiles.
But it was all dream. Dream which was impossible to fulfill now.
At least this was what Haru told himself when dawn came as he was silently closing the door to Rin’s apartment.
***
He saw Rei yesterday. He didn’t change. Not much at least. How long it was? Fifteen years? Maybe more. He was still in perfect condition with straight shirt, silk tie, holding his suitcase in his hand. He noticed Haruka but didn’t say a word. They stood side by side in packed train. Haruka thought about time they went to buy swimsuits in high school. He and Nagisa were so noisy, quarrelling about some stupid things, making Haru wish he didn’t leave his house because he could spend all of his morning soaking in tub instead. He was so stupid then. Now he would give everything just for one word that could break this loud silence. But he couldn’t give them .They were nothing but strangers right know. After reaching next stop they went their separate ways. The thought he saw Rei slightly bowing to him but he couldn’t be sure. Well, it didn’t matter anyway. It didn’t change a thing. He told himself it is better this way. But he was always perfect at lying to himself just as he was telling himself long time ago, that Rin leaving to Australia didn’t make him feel this unbearable loneliness.
***
He met Makoto seventeen years after their relay. He was the same, not counting small wrinkles under his eyes and few silver hairs shining in the sun. He was waiting for somebody near the pond. He gave sad smile to himself, thinking that years ago he would drop his clothes and try to jump into pond only to be stopped by Makoto’s panicked words and hands. He came closer just as little boy with brown hair came running, jumping into Makoto’s arms. He noticed big smile that bloomed on Makoto’s face. But under his happiness he could see weariness and pain. Haru was amazed that he still could read Makoto like that. After all this time.
They sat on bench, mirror image of young Makoto was eating strawberry ice-cream while chasing some puppy. They exchanged few words. Haru asked about boy’s mother which made Makoto wince. He told Haru that it didn’t work out. That she didn’t want him in her life anymore. That he was only meeting his son at the weekends. That he couldn’t see him grow up. Couldn’t give him loving home just like his parents did to him. That he was failure. Haru wanted to give him some comforting words but he knew they wouldn’t work. Makoto won’t believe him. He couldn’t fix him. Not now.
They said goodbyes to each other, boy calling him Nanase-san. Going back to his apartment he thought it was unfair. Makoto’s son shouldn’t call him that. He should call him Haru-jichan. He should be spoiled by Haru. Haru should be the one who taught him how to swim, who made his first photos with his parents. Haru should be the one, who would tell this boy embarrassing stories about his father and his unhealthy obsession with cats. He was supposed to be like another father figure, just like a uncle, the closest brother of boy’s father. He wasn’t. But Haru wasn’t many things that he supposed to be. He was ordinary. Just like he wished to.
***
He sometimes dreamt about smiling Rin, hearing this over-used “Nanase, swim with me” in Rin’s young voice which he thought he has long forgotten about. He loved and hated these dreams. Sometimes he cursed Rin for making him feel this much, for making him yearning friends, for bringing them together. But he knew he wasn’t at fault. Rin gave him the best years of his life. Not many people had this opportunity. His school years were blessed. Sharing them with the best people in the world ( Maybe not the best, but they were HIS best people, then) he wouldn’t change them for anything. Even if it made his heart ache so much right now.
***
In his twenty-fourth year of being ordinary ( he was stupid, so stupid to ever wish this, to hope to be this ordinary man) he stood under cherry tree in blossom. The river looked like blanket made of soft, pink material making Haru think about little boy with red hair who dreamt of swimming in pool full of cherry’s petals. A boy who only lived in his dreams now. Boy who once changed his life. Boy who he has loved in the past.
When he turned to leave he brushed his arm with someone. He stopped but didn’t have to look up to know who it was. They stood near each other feeling warmth coming from their bodies. He inhaled deeply and prepared to turn around. Then he felt a movement and this heavy and addicting presence of other was gone. He told himself he was relieved. The told himself it was better this way. But it didn’t stop painful clench that caught his heart. He slowly raised his eyes and started moving, not once looking back.
There were two promises under a cherry tree that has never bloomed. At least not in the time that was still theirs.
No matter how apart they were, no matter how much they clashed, they ended up returning to each other. It was just like fate. Inevitable destiny. But it still didn’t mean that they belonged together. Not this time at least.