Chapter Text
Peter is lying on his bed- legs stretched out, head propped with a pillow against the headboard, arm up, keeping her letter in front of him as his eyes peruse it over and over again.
Lara Jean Covey.
She likes his eyes. They're beautiful to her. Apparently he is beautiful to her.
Or at least he used to be. Maybe he isn't anymore. From the wording of the letter and the style of it, he is convinced that this was written a while ago. Years ago. Who knows if her feelings are still the same? But then, why would she send the letter now, if she no longer feels this way? She must still like him. It's why she's sent the letter so soon after the most recent breakup with Gen, isn't it?
He's looking at the paper and gets caught up in the cursive flowing across it. He's always liked her handwriting, he thinks. Whenever he had to borrow her notes - back when they were close enough that he could borrow her notes - somehow her script always made him feel better about whatever topic was proving problematic. It was just so very reflective of Lara Jean: confident, put-together and really pretty.
The fact that she sent a letter - one that she would have sat down and carefully handwritten when all anyone does these days is use text or chat - makes her admission feel intimate and entirely between them. For them. Peter isn't even sure he should be reading this, to be honest, because it feels a little too personal, given the current state of their relationship (or lack thereof) but she sent it so obviously she wanted him to read it.
He's flattered by her interest, he really is, and it has come at a perfect time to boost his self-confidence, seeing that his long-term girlfriend just ditched him but he's not sure what her endgame here is. He's not even sure what he wants it to be.
His first reaction is, of course, to think how cute and move on. But he's finding that he can't. It's why he's still poring over this letter a good hour after he opened it and was surprised by its contents. He's unable to get past the fact that Lara Jean Covey was at one point so totally into him.
He knows why. It's because Peter has always liked Lara Jean. He knows this because he has always been aware of her, has always noticed her - how smart she is, how kind she is, how pretty she is... how reserved and low-profile she is.
He knows back then everyone thought it all about him and Gen but Lara Jean had always charmed him (still does to this day, he acknowledges). He knows he was way more eager than she was about that kiss in seventh grade and for a while he retained hope that she liked him, too, and that they could be more than just friends. But then she started hanging out with him less and stopped altogether when he and Gen became a thing.
Although he wasn't sure of her feelings back then, now he is quite convinced that something would have happened between him and Lara Jean had he never gotten together with Gen. Now he knows that she felt the same way he did. It makes sense - they always had good rapport and he's always thought she was cute. Okay, not always cute - he's being honest here - sometimes hot. Okay, not sometimes hot; often hot, with those short skirts or shorts, those knee-high socks she tends to favour and those badass boots that just seem to work for her. Usually, he will to cede to females when it comes comes to opinions on feminine fashion but Gen was wrong about those boots. They were goddamn lit on Lara Jean.
Thinking about the boots reminds Peter of that first day of school and how she almost mowed him down with her car. At first he was exasperated with the idiot that clearly couldn't drive but that changed when he saw how upset, terrified, worried and embarrassed she was about the whole thing. And somehow that made him want to put her at ease by playfully teasing her.
Yes, he needled her about if she was going to be okay but he genuinely wanted to make sure that she would be and that she wasn't distraught and could handle herself. It was the most he had spoken to her in forever and he found that he enjoyed it, seeing all her emotions play out on her face. He found that he had missed it.
His finger traces the edges of the letter before he taps it against his lips, realisation hitting him. He is free to pursue this if he wants. He isn't sure that's the right thing to do at the moment, though. He and Gen just broke up and while part of him doesn't really believe she's going to stay away from him for long, he's done. He put up with so much from her for so long, believing they were in love and were in this together, only to be tossed aside when someone shinier came along. And maybe he held on longer than he should have. He is self-aware enough to recognise that when his dad left, he redoubled his efforts with Gen - defending her against other people, indulging her bad habits, catering to her every whim - in an attempt to ensure that one more person in his life didn't abandon him. Yet still, she left him.
So yeah, he's done. It hurts and part of him will probably always want to go back to her - he knows her, she was his first for so many things (and his only for so long) - but he's resolute that he's not going to be the idiot hanging around where he's not wanted.
He needs some time for himself. Some time to disentangle himself from this mess of a relationship. Some time to be Peter Kavinsky, not Peter, one half of Peter and Gen.
So, as much as he's sad (he's discovering) about having to let Lara Jean down, his life is just too complicated right now to do anything about this heartfelt, sweet letter from a girl that apparently lurks in the back of his mind.
Now that he knows his stance on the letter, he has to figure what to do about Lara Jean. If it were any other girl, he probably would just leave it alone because why cultivate something when there's nothing there? But this is Lara Jean, the girl who was his first kiss; a kind, caring person and definitely someone who deserves more than just being ignored. (He's not touching the fact that there already exists something to cultivate; something that could have thrived if they had nurtured it).
So. Here's what he'll do: he'll thank her for the sentiment (because he's not a fool; he knows the value of the attentions and affection of a girl like Lara Jean Covey. And, nope, not wandering down that alley of regret that he won't ever know what could have been if he'd known in seventh grade how she felt about him). He'll do it in such a way that he can still build on this new communication they have going since he likes being around her and he likes talking to her. He'll be kind but clear that he's not interested right now. She won't take offence and maybe, just maybe, they can make their way back to being friends.