Chapter Text
When he first heard yukhei crack the joke he didn't think much off it, it was yukhei after all -one of his better friends in NCT or one of the few he really knew in deept. Even then he really wouldn't say hearing someone calling him fat didn't hurt a bit, he isn't a liar. At first he just said to himself that it was fine, it was not a big deal at all. He had heard worse things about his body from his own mind way too much for it to bother him, his own demons inside and sometimes others things people he had thought were loved ones said were much worse.
It was all fun and games. And then his diet started to be a big part of the conversations his members had, sometimes as a joke they would throw here and there other times it would be in serious conversations, like comparing their weight with hims or talking about how much they weighed when they were gonna debut for the first time. It was deeply embarrassing, made him feel unimportant and ashamed of living in his own body, why did it take him much more time to lose weight that any of the others? Why he had to struggle so much? when will he stop being so damn useless?
His self esteem only got worse when he started to see the fat kun joke every time he posted something, even his own fans could see how unhealthy he was, and that hurted a lot more, he wanted to be a role model, someone people of all ages could look up to but how could he be that he was so out of shape that everyone keeps reminding him about it?
He knows all his members mean well, they aren't trying to hurt him, they would never. Or, maybe that is what he really wants to believe, he wants to believe he is liked and loved, that he is important, a detrimental part of NCT even if he doesn't think that is the case. He wants to belong, he wants to say they all are his friends. He loves them and he wants the best for them even if that doesn't have him in the picture.
His rational mind tells him they are trying to encourage him but the chest pain keeps growing every time, he has to watch them eating whatever they want while they are joking about him eating his small salad. It hurted even more when the kids pointed how fat he was after they told him he couldn't eat certain things because it had too many calories. He keeps repeating to himself that they are nice people and that they aren't trying to make him feel this awful. He is just sensible. He is only a cry baby.
He remembers that there was a time he was really comfortable in his body, he loved to live in his own skin and he thought he would never be sad about himself or the way he looked. He was confident in everything, from head to toes, now he doesn't even want to watch himself in videos when the others do, sometimes it's hard to watch himself in the big mirror on the bathroom. Most of the times he see pictures and feels out of place.
What is worse is that he really tried, he tried with all he got, but the scale wasn't his friend, he would do his diet and exercise and the same annoying numbers would keep appearing over and over again, he is sure that it was trying to laugh at how pathetic he is. He tried other methods, perhaps some not as healthy. He started skipping some meals and maybe sometimes he would end up throwing up if he thought he had ate too much, he did know, what he was doing wasn't right, but he had not other choice. He couldn't be looking ugly and fat when all his members were shining brightly on the stage. He couldn't let himself be the visual hole of an eighteen member group, it would be tragic.
Soon enough he started asking himself if he hadn't debut properly only because the way how he looked, he started questioning himself. If he really deserved to be there with all the others, if he deserved to even be loved by the fans, if his fans really liked him or if they were there only his fans because of pity. He is so convinced that he is a pathetic excuse for a human being.
He is isolating himself more and more from his members and they aren't trying to stop him. he doesn't ask for help because he isn't vulnerable, because he can overcome whatever this is but sometimes he really needs someone in moments where he feels little, like he doesn't have a value. They don't see him hurting and he wishes they did.
He is so so tired, he is so tired of everything. He keeps thinking about leaving, about going home to cry in his mother's arms, about going home and leaving the stress of being an idol behind, he keeps thinking about what he is gonna say to his family, about what he is going to say to his members. Probably they would hate him much more than they already do so he can't go even if he is begging himself for a break. He already promised to be there, to never leave this thing that Johnny keeps calling family, but, how can they be a family when they all hate him? They all hate him because he can't be the mood of the group like Donghyuck or Yukhei, they hate him because he can't be as talented as Dongyoung, Taeil and Jaehyun as a singer, he can't dance as well as Ten does. He isn't even as cute as Jungwoo and the kids. Maybe they really hate him, he only matters when they are hungry and want something to eat. They must hate him because of his shyness. He has heard before that he has no personality. He isn't like any of the others, they all have their own personal thing, they all have a speciality. Seriously, what is he in nct? The boring one? he is so dispensable.
After beating himself constantly for long minutes Kun finally allows himself to fall asleep, hating everything that his person represents, wanting to disappear forever without trace. He sleeps with warm tears in his face.