Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It really sends Clarke spiraling when going through the ELIGIUS' files makes her discover something she thought was lost forever. At first it was just a bunch of dated recordings she wouldn't normally pay much attention to, but then she realized that no one was awake there at those times. So she hits play without thinking, without checking for other people in the room with her... And that's when she hears her voice. 

'Bellamy, Raven, does anyone copy?'

The recording is so loud it echoes  through the entire room and she almost doesn't believe  it's real. So she hits pause and almost has a freaking heart attack, because really, who would expect that? As it turns out something did pick up her signal. And it was programmed to record it. She scrolls down and looks at all the date stamps and really, it doesn't miss a single day. Every single one of her thoughts, every word that she doesn't even remember saying, it's all in here. 

And of course, it's just her luck, she hears movement right behind her. 

She never really believed in God, but at that moment she was praying as hard as she could that it wasn't Bellamy. Unfortunately, either the Big Boss up there really hates her, or doesn't just grant favors whenever a person just decides to turn to faith, when she turns around she sees him. Him of all people... 

There's many much more interesting things for him to be doing... For example exploring the NEW FUCKING PLANET they're on!! But yeah, just right now, in this moment, he just happens to be here. It's pretty ironic and she would be laughing if she wasn't so goddamn scared.

"Is that them?" He asks and she makes a confused face... She had no idea he knew about the calls.

"Madi told me." He explains and leans in, wanting to press play, but she stands up abruptly and blocks his way to the computer.

"No." 

It's embarrassing, really, how she can't get out more than that, but it's like her brain is on pause ever since she discovered his presence. Her mouth stays open and the look in his eyes drills a hole in her chest... 

"Weren't they meant for me, though? For us, I mean..." He stutters for a second, but his voice remains firm and she knows he won't give up that easily.

"That was before..."  

It shouldn't surprise her that Madi told him about the calls. Clarke knows she's just looking out for her. But still, it was a turn she didn't see coming.

"Before what? Seriously, Clarke, I want to hear them." 

She made no move to give him access to the computer, even though she knew that would only look more suspicious. 

He raised his eyebrows and she knows she was fucked.

"You're hiding something from me." He stated, flatly.

She didn't confirm or deny, she just sighed and he knew the answer.

"Clarke. It's me." He said like she could tell him anything and that might've been the case if he wasn't still with Echo, or if he was only a best friend to her. 

"Bellamy, please." She pleaded, her voice breaking at the edge of the word.

"No, Clarke. Please isn't gonna cut it. I haven't seen you in six years, well, a lot more, if you're counting this... I want to know what was happening with you." 

"I haven't seen you either. And it's not like you have recordings of it." 

She hoped that he would give up, but she knew better than that.

"Exactly, I don't!! You do." 

She stayed silent while he sat down on a chair and moved closer. Damn those wheels, she thought. 

"Really? You want me to tell you? Go on, ask me anything." 

"It's not that–" she pauses, thinks it through and then manages to get out "When did you get together with Echo?" 

He sighs out loud, like he knew this was coming. He thinks Clarke still hates her because of the conclave, but really, there are no hard feelings about that anymore. 

"I barely spoke to her for a year. Losing you, it broke me... I wasn't ready to forget all the things she did. For a very long time. It was maybe a month after two years on the Ring that I completely forgave her." He stops, waiting for her to say something and when she doesn't he just continues.

"Anyway, we started sleeping together around four years in... Maybe more... It was casual and only physical, and somehow it grew into something bigger. That's all I can say about it, really." 

She pouts her lips, not knowing what to do next... She didn't expect him to open up so suddenly.

"It's your turn." He says and moves behind her, selects a random recording and plays it.

'It's day five in this hellhole. I keep waiting to hear from you, but I'm starting to doubt that will ever happen. Not that I don't believe in Raven's mechanical skills. I just hope you can hear me. I still haven't found any drinkable water. I spent days scavaging the whole area around the bunker... Nothing. I think I might have to leave soon, but I keep waiting till my supplies here run out. Won't be long though, most of them were destroyed by Praimfaya.'

He looks at her and she can tell that in that moment it all became much more real to him. She knew she was like a ghost to all of them... But she really felt it now. The realization froze on his face and made her stiffen up, silently.

He keeps playing one after another, she has no idea how much time has passed but she knows it's not that much, because he hasn't gotten anywhere near the sixth year. And that's really all she's afraid of. 

'Don't feel bad about leaving me behind. You did what you had to do.'

"Clarke—" he turns around and when she sees the look on his face, she knows he's about to apologise, and she's not going to accept it.

"NO. It's okay."

"It's not. You've had to go through all that. I should've waited longer." 

She keeps thinking about the gun that she was going to use to kill herself, feeling lucky that she didn't include that story in any of the calls she had made.

"I never would've made it." 

"I should've stayed behind with you." 

"Then you wouldn't have made it." 

"I almost didn't." He admits, taking her hand in his and tracing long lines on her palm with his fingers.

"The only thing that kept me going the first two years was that you sacrificed yourself so that we could go on." 

She inhales sharply.

"You almost died for us." 

"I still would." She says honestly, maybe not for Echo or Emori, they were never close and she still kinda hates Echo, but she would die for the others... For Bellamy in the blink of an eye. 

"It should've been me." He says, letting go of her hand and rubbing his face.

"You would've died. You don't have nightblood." She reminds him, even if she knows he's aware. 

"But you wouldn't have been abandoned." 

"I found Madi. I don't regret any of it." 

She is one hundred percent honest with him on that one. She wouldn't change anything. They had no idea nightblood was really the solution. Maybe if they did she would've just injected everyone, but that's playing at what if's and she knows that's just bullshit that's not helping anybody. The situation had it's best possible outcome. She wouldn't have changed any of her decisions. Only she would tell him right then in Becca's lab how she really felt about him. How she still does. But now is too late for that and that's why she can't have him hear all of the recordings, she just can't. 

"That makes one of us." 

'I just told Madi about Mount Weather. I left the me part out, though. I can't have her knowing how big of a part a played in all of that. Being the hero sucks, I could tell you, but you already know that. I don't want that for her. Our life, I mean. At least I wasn't alone.  We've had each other's backs the whole time. I don't think I could pull all that off without you there. So, I know the Earth's not habitable for you for another two years, but... Just promise me you'll come back. Even if I can't hear you.'

She feels vulnerable in that moment, even though that's not even the half of it. 

"I think that's enough for today, don't you?" she manages to get out in soft voice.

"The minute I leave you're gonna delete the one you're hiding from me." 

Shit. He knows.

"So what? You're gonna sit here for weeks till you're through with them all?" She shouts, but he doesn't move the slightest bit.

"I just might." He's calm when he says that, like she didn't just lash out. 

"It's my privacy." 

He will get that. He must get that. 

Bellamy shifts in his seat and moves away from the table, defeated. Then he's on his feet and walking away, but he stops at the door and turns around, confused look on his face.

"I just don't understand what it is you can't tell ME about. I thought we were partners, Jesus, Clarke, I thought that meant something to you. I would never hide anything like that from you. That's how much I care. It's nice to know you don't." 

"Oh, you think I DON'T CARE?!!" 

Clarke feels anger pulsing through her veins, unable to keep it in any longer. Why should she stay silent when all she wants to do is scream how she feels about him out loud? 

"You tell me, Clarke..."

And he’s leaving, but she can’t lose him again. She feels him slipping through her fingers like liquid and it scares her so goddamn much she scrolls down, silently thanking herself she memorized which day it was, the 1937th one, and hits play before she can think twice about it. 

'It might sound like I’m drunk... And I’m not even going to defend myself. I am. Just a little, though... I knew making hooch wasn’t a good idea, you’d probably tell me that too if you were here... But you’re not. And that really is the fucking problem, isn’t it? You should be down here. And I keep telling myself that there’s a reason...' her voice breaks, she can hear sobs through the cracking of the radio, 'reason for why you’re still there, other than that you’re dead, but sometimes I just don’t believe it, Bellamy. And I keep thinking and thinking and regretting all the times that I chickened out of telling you what you really meant to me. Still mean to me. Fuck. I didn’t want to say this over the radio, just in case you were still alive, but... I’m gonna say it... I’m in love with you. There, I said it! I don’t even admit this to Madi, even though she probably knows... And who knows if you feel the same way about me... I used to think you did, but that doesn’t matter now... Fuck, I hope you’re getting these. That it’s not Raven or John listening, or you know what, scratch that, I hope it’s them listening because I really shouldn’t have said that like this. I just hope someone is listening... That I haven’t been talking to myself all these years... Otherwise I’m just a sad fucking joke. I’m cursing a lot, I know... Just... You’re not supposed to be up there anymore. I just need you here. As a partner, cause I really miss that. And now I’m crying which I totally wasn’t planning on, God, I’m a mess...'

His silence is terrifying. He’s still tuned away and for a small moment Clarke thinks he’s just gonna walk away from her. But he doesn’t. 

"You’re in love with me?" He says, turning to face her and she can’t bare looking him right in the eyes so she looks down on her hands, not saying a word but giving him a small nod. 

"Clarke," his voice is so rough in that moment, he’s moving closer and putting his hands on her shoulders, sighing and then brushing the hair off her face and tucking it behind her ear, forcing her to look at him, "I can’t say that back to you. You know that."

She doesn’t even care when a tear slips out of her eye, doesn’t wipe it away, just soaks herself in the feeling of vulnerability. She should’ve seen this coming. 

"I want to." He adds, but that really doesn’t make it any better. 

"Fuck, Clarke... I’ve been pining after you since the first Unity Day on the ground. I mean you must’ve known. You just chose the worst possible time to tell me this." 

And he’s right. She slips away from his touch, even though she doesn’t want to.

"Do you love her?" She can’t help but ask and when he sighs she knows the answer.

"It’s complicated."

"Fuck. I should’ve known." Another few tears escape her eyes and now she’s almost laughing because really, could her life get any more miserable than this?

"You were dead, Clarke. I mourned you. For years." He tries to soften it, but it’s really not helpful.

"I get that." She manages to get out. It’s not on him... She can see how he’s suffering, 

"Can I at least ask you something?"

He nods.

"If you knew I was alive... Regardless of how I feel about you... Would you and her...?" She trails off, hating herself for even asking such a thing.

"No. We wouldn’t. I wouldn’t." His gaze is so strong, it feels like he’s burning a hole inside of her. 

"Good." It’s all she can say, really. She loves him. She really does. And she has a feeling he might too, but she knows he’s too damn honorable to betray his girlfriend. And it’s selfish of her to even think he would. But she still can’t shake the feeling that they’re meant to be. And she walks away with that, hoping that maybe later, at least for once, things work out for her.

Chapter Text

Time passes by. Bellamy wishes he could say that he’s enjoying the perks of a new planet to the full extent, but that really isn’t the case and he’s ashamed for it. 

It really seems like they have it all. Everything they’ve been fighting for. He really wants to be happy. 

Him and Clarke aren’t really speaking. It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like an eternity. It’s not like they ignore each other, they just keep their distance. People have noticed. First one to point it out to him was Murphy. Clarke had just left after telling them about a council meeting happening later that day. Murphy frowns, pointing his finger at Bellamy and then Clarke, raising his eyebrows. 

"Something’s off with you two. Did you fuck?" He casually mentions, just as if it were just the two of them alone.

"Are you crazy?!! Echo's right over there..." He whispers, Murphy turns around and looks at her.

"Well, you’re not fucking HER, that’s for sure..." Murphy scoffs and laughs, surprising Bellamy so much he almost chokes to death. 

"What? How do you even know that?!!!" His face scrunches up as he gives Murphy a death glare. 

"I know you. Remember, we’ve spent six years trapped on a space station together... Why does everyone keep forgetting that??"

"Very funny, John..." Bellamy says sarcastically and tries to leave, but Murphy grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him back, wrapping his arm around him in a headlock. 

"So, did you?? C’mon, man... You never answered my question." 

"I know we’re family, but that doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass, John..." 

Murphy then let’s go and holds his hands up in surrender, grinning. 

"I’m just saying... You should." He says, gives Bellamy a wink and backs away, leaving him alone.

Bellamy spends all week agonizing over this. „You should” what does that even mean??? He tries to tell himself he must be mad if he's listening to Murphy, but then... He can’t shake off the feeling that he might be right. 

Bellamy has a girlfriend. A GREAT GIRLFRIEND. Things are good. Why the hell can’t he bring himself to be happy then?

Laying next to Echo in bed, he traces his nails along the skin of her shoulder, she’s turned away, probably sleeping, but he can’t really tell. He sighs out loud, he knows she’s worried about his behavior. He hasn’t slept with her ever since Clarke dropped the L bomb on him. 

It was so easy to be with Echo when he had no idea Clarke felt those things for him. Now? Not so easy. He thinks of the day he and Clarke stood by the rover and he was ready to tell her what he feels. It might’ve been because he thought he might lose her, or maybe the feelings have been bottled up for too long and he just used the end of the world as an excuse for his confession. Anyway, he was almost certain that she cut him off because she didn’t feel the same. It was pretty obvious he loved her after everything they’ve been through. And everyone seemed to have known, so why wouldn’t she? 

Fuck. That was all that came to his mind.

Echo shifted under his touch and turned to face him.

"You’re thinking too loud. I can’t sleep." She smiles and he lets out a chuckle, but remains lost in his thoughts. 

"Bellamy, what’s going on?" He knows she can read him better than anyone, well, maybe except Clarke, so he's not even pretending to be okay, knowing it wouldn't work... 

"Nothing." He says a little louder than necessary, filling her eyes with fury.

"Right. Just like the last time." She says and it stabs him in the chest, just like during that night all those years ago...

"Echo..." He pleads, but she's not done.

"Yeah, I know... You're sorry. I've heard it a million times before. But you're not, are you?? You've never been." She blurts out, pulling away from him.

"You're doing it again, Bell..." 

He wants to say she's wrong... But she's not. And it disgusts him. He disgusts himself. 

"Say something, please... Tell me I'm wrong!!"

He remains quiet.

She scoffs.

"The good thing is... She's alive this time..."

She jumps from the bed and struggles to find her pants, walking all over their room. 

"THIS IS NOT FAIR!" He shouts before he can think it through... 

"NOT FAIR??? I'll tell you what's not fair... The fact that you killed our child for a woman that doesn't even see you..."  

"IT WAS YOUR DECISION!!!!!!" His scream echoes through the walls, making his girlfriend freeze in her place, facing him sideways.

"I only did it because I saw what it was to you... A BURDEN. Hell, I couldn't live up to a memory of a dead girl... So how could a baby make it easier?"

Echo's eyes filled with tears. Deep down he knew she was right, but he got lost in the moment and refused to step down.

"FUCK YOU! I would've done anything for my child and you know that!!" 

"Out of a sense of duty, Bellamy. I didn't want that for my baby." 

"You’re crazy." It’s all he can get out. He’s spent years trying to forget the night he found Echo laying on the bathroom floor, blood covering the toilet seat... She was unconscious from all the pills she had taken in purpose of killing their month old unborn baby. The whole place reeked of Monty’s algae-based alcohol substitute. He might’ve cried himself to sleep that night.

"YOU ARE!!! She’d left you to die in those pits, or have you already forgotten??"

He remains quiet. 

"It kills me, Bellamy..." She whispers.

When Echo first announced to him that he was going to be a father, he was beside himself... He had never felt such pure joy in his life. Still, something felt off. He had always wanted a family, to bring up a child of his own, then when they first arrived to the ground even two or more, when it became a possibility. That was all before the world started ending and he didn't have time to think about that. Or anything. If he has to be honest with himself, he has, on more than one occasion, imagined having a family with Clarke. It was a crazy fantasy... First time he'd dreamt about it he scared himself, realizing that under all that hate act he might actually be into her. And as they got to know each other better, he started being certain that she was the only person he would want to father a child with. 

So in all honesty, Echo's reveal scared him. It wasn't like he never thought about it before... But he sure as hell wasn't expecting it to happen any time soon. 

And as a matter of fact, he was not even close to being over Clarke. And maybe he still isn't. 

"It kills me how much more I care for you than you do for me..." 

He tilts his head, ready to deny it but she shakes her head and looks him in the eyes. The message is clear. She won't buy that anymore. 

"And I think... I think I already know what you truly want..." She trails off and he looks at her expectingly, guessing, hoping he's right about the outcome. 

Then she goes ahead and confirms it for him.

"And I think it might be for the best. BUT... I won't make this easy for you. You have got to say it." 

He sighs. It's a long and painful sigh, he thought he was gonna get out of this without having to say it. 

She raises her eyebrows and he looks down almost breathing the words out rather than actually speaking them.

"I think I want to break up."

She doesn't really say anything, she just nods her head and thins out her lips, obviously hurt but accepting it.

A few seconds pass, they stare at each other awkwardly, he opens his mouth to apologize but as soon as he gets to the word sorry she dismisses it, saying he didn't do anything wrong. 

"I know you want to love me the way that I love you. And it's not your fault that you don't. However unfair that might feel." 

He can't even believe how mature she's being right now. She certainly has grown as a person during all those years on the ring.

"I DO love you." He says, pulling her in for a hug. 

"I know." She responds, burying her head in his shoulder.

He stayed alone that night, thinking. About Clarke, mostly. The second Echo left he felt fear. Did he do the right thing by breaking up with her?

Clarke has always been sort of a forbidden fruit for him. Something he can never have no matter how close he his to getting it. It just all felt so surreal. He was afraid that he was in love with the fantasy, the idea of holding Clarke every night more than he was in love with Clarke. But that was stupid, right? She was all he could think about for years... And those last months on the ground before Praimfaya the only reason he wanted to get up in the morning and fight their certain deaths. 

So it must be real, mustn't it? 

Every look, every touch, even just a brush of skin sent electricity running through his body. He never had that with anyone. 

He kept turning and tossing, not being able to sleep. 

It's maybe ten minutes later when he finds himself standing outside of Clarke's room, questioning himself for a long time before he knocks on the door.

She opens the door, shocked that it's him and he can see that Madi is asleep on her bed before Clarke closes the door behind her. 

"What is it? Is something going on?" 

It's obvious her mind immediately jumps to all of their lives being in danger once again, because it has become their normal over the last years. 

"No. I just need to confirm something for myself."

"What..." She's cut off by Bellamy grabbing her face and locking her lips together with his. 

The kiss is... Well, let's just say it confirms everything for Bellamy. Clarke wraps her hands around his back and pulls him closer, losing herself in the kiss.

And in that moment he knows for sure that he loves her too, shocked by the fact that he's never been happier than he is right then. 

And he never wants it to stop.