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Joochan tapped his feet in the floor continuously. The sound he was emitting was not the only thing that could be heard in their living room at that hour, late at night. Besides his labored breathing he could also hear his hyung’s calm one. Sungyoon was sleeping beside him in the couch he got used to call bed. Sleep in the living room couch was lonely and not that good for his spine, but that night it was a lot more confortable for a very special reason. Joochan looked at his hand and marveled at how his short fingers contrasted with Sungyoon’s beautiful ones. They had slept like that, hands intertwined while watching some reprised drama. Probably that was the first time Joochan got to be alone with him, he thought.
But why suddenly his breath became rapid like that?
Joochan woke up in one particular subway ad that was a way too loud, almost jumping in the couch with the noise. He was surprised Sungyoon was still asleep after that, because he swore he might have squeezed his fingers in the process.
It was still a shook to be hand in hand with Sungyoon, Joochan was happy he hadn’t let go of him. He smiled with the thought, it was good to be this close to him. It was known by everyone that Hong Joochan loved skinship, giving and receiving affection and even ignoring personal space. It was just the way he was and he was glad his fellow members got used to that. But it was still something different when it was with Sungyoon, Joochan couldn't pinpoint why. It was always easy to be around the 99 line, Seungmin and Youngtaek were pretty found of him too and even Jangjun and Daeyeol were open to his clingy character.
But with Sungyoon was different.
Since the first time he saw Sungyoon, Joochan took special care with him. He knew Sungyoon wasn’t a social butterfly like himself, and his quiet and reserved personality required a different approach. It wasn’t that difficult to get close to him tough, being vocal line members they often practiced together. Joochan learned a lot from Sungyoon. He was a caring hyung since day one.
Sungyoon was a good hyung and Joochan liked to think he was a good dongsaeng. He was happy with how their current relationship worked. They laughed together very easily, and could talk not just about music for long hours. Sungyoon took good care of him, and Joochan, being the caring person everyone also knew he was, took good care of his hyung too.
There was nothing wrong with them, so why?
Why Joochan sometimes could feel that weird tug in his heart? His happiness around Sungyoon had a lingering bitter taste, almost unperceptive. What is that, he kept wondering while looking at Sungyoon’s peaceful face. What is that feeling?
But deep down Joochan knew it.
But he couldn’t be feeling that, right? It was crazy to think he could feel that for his hyung, something que had never felt for anyone in his life. Joochan knew he was a way to young to know what love feels like, but he knew what having a crush felt like. He had his few girlfriends and even secret boyfriends in his school years not long ago. But could he have a crush on his hyung? His Sungyoon hyung? Joochan felt weird thinking about it. Sungyoon was four years older than him. He probably looked at Joochan as if he was a kid.
Yeah, maybe that is the real problem. Maybe that was the cause of the bitter taste and the inconvenient tug all along.
Joochan felt too young, too naïve. He was just one of Sungyoons dongsaengs after all, nothing more. So why? Why did he feel like that if Sungyoon take care of all his dongsaengs evenly? It all felt so weird, Joochan couldn’t understand. It was ironic how many times he sung songs about falling in love and he didn’t have a clue about how the hell that shit worked.
Because I'm just a kid, he thought.
Joochan sighed, pressing Sungyoon hand in his just a little. His hyung was way too deep in the dreamland, he could see by his tranquil expression. Joochan smiled, suddenly having the urge to kiss his cheek just out of curiosity. People usually kiss the ones they like, right? He knew about that, he was not a stranger to kissing. The high-schooler Joochan was even a confident kisser, he wasn’t some noob, pff.
Yeah, maybe Sungyoon wouldn’t see him like a kid if he kissed him, Joochan thought.
And again his heart was beating like crazy, oh, maybe that is not a good idea after all.
He glanced at Sungyoon’s face and his heart was jumping out of his mouth with the thought. Sungyoon was asleep, he wouldn’t feel anything, right? Joochan thought that if he kissed him, he would understand his feelings better.
Yeah that could be a good idea after all, he already had an excuse.
His curious eyes landed in Sungyoon parted lips, and his heart did another jump.
If maybe…
No, that was wrong. Joochan couldn’t kiss him while he was asleep. No, definitely. He should wake Sungyoon up.
Yeah…
But…
Joochan was ready to give up. Sungyoon would probably scream at him, or even beat him up out of surprise. Joochan didn’t wanted to get his good relationship with Sungyoon shatter just because he was curious.
No, definetly.
But he was still feeling that tug, but now, a somehow good tug. When would he have a chance like that again? Probably never. Sungyoon would be too sleepy to react if Joochan kissed him anyway, but he had to be fast.
The younger took a deep breath and slowly got closer to Sungyoon. He was still holding his hand when some sudden wave of courage invaded his body. That’s it, he thought while tapping Sungyoon’s thigh with his free hand.
“Hyung” he called softly close to his ear “Sungyoon hyung”
Joochan felt Sungyoons body move a little, and his head tilt slowly to the side, giving him the perfect angle to complete his mission.
“Hm” Sungyoon’s voice was hoarse and his eyes still closed. “What?”
Joochan tried to ignore his pounding heart when Sungyoon finally opened his eyes to look at him. He quickly pressed his lips to Sungyoons cheek. Joochan could feel his face burn like hell, and he knew he was probably all red too.
Sungyoon sleepy eyes got wide at the sudden kiss and Joochan internally freaked out. He didn’t know it was a reflex or just the way his brain found to prevent Sungyoon to scream at him, but he kissed him again. Joochan pressed his lips in the corner of Sungyoon mouth this time, too scared to go for the lips now that he had his hyung’s full attention.
That’s it, I'm a dead man.
Joochan kept his eyes down, waiting for what seemed years to a reaction from Sungyoon. He thought Sungyoon would curse at him or even push him out of the couch.
But none of that came.
Instead, Joochan felt a gentle kiss at his temple and strong arms enveloping him in a hug. Sungyoon’s hot breath fanned against his neck and Joochan felt a jolt of electricity run trough his body.
“Go back to sleep, kiddo”
Joochan knew Sungyoon could probably feel his heart beating like crazy, because he himself coud feel Sungyoon’s heart pounding against him. A smile formed in his lips and Joochan closed his eyes, letting go a content sigh.
Somehow that was the answer he needed, just like that.