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“Did I do something wrong?”
Kihyun looked broken, like Hoseok had just ripped out his heart and trampled on it. He looked vulnerable, lips quivering and eyes wide as he waited, waited for Hoseok to say something. Reassure him that no, he didn’t do anything wrong. It broke Hoseok to see him like this, usual cocky and confident demeanour replaced by this unsure version of himself. Like if Hoseok said the wrong thing, if he didn’t assure him now that everything was okay, he would break. Hoseok could never- didn’t even want to fathom the thought of hurting Kihyun. Being the reason tears fell from Kihyun’s beautiful eyes, the reason Kihyun was currently clutching on to Hoseok’s shirt, desperately like it was his lifeline.
Yet, he was the reason. He was the reason behind the unshed tears in Kihyun’s eyes, and the tremors in his hand as he tightened his grip on Hoseok’s shirt as if afraid Hoseok would run. Hoseok wanted to do nothing more than wrap his arms around Kihyun, hold him tight and safe, let him know he loved him and everything was fine. But nothing was fine, and Hoseok knew that. He knew he couldn’t, they couldn’t continue this, the secret glances and touches. Sneaking off for stolen moments with each other, tongues desperately dancing together in a closet far from prying eyes. How long could they continue risking it all, risking their careers, risking the hatred they’d receive if news ever got out about them.
Kihyun had reassured him once when he had this fear, had told him he believed in them, believed in their team. Hoseok wished that was enough, he wished that was enough to quench the fear in his heart, the fear that was threatening to overrule the love he felt for Kihyun. All it would take was a second, a moment for everything to be ruined. For their love, their pure love to be blasted all over the internet, for it to be tainted by ignorant people who wouldn’t be able to look beyond their prejudice.
Hoseok was scared, he hated to admit. He was terrified of what would happen were they discovered. What would have happened if that sleazy reporter had caught them last week when their hands were tangled in each other’s hair, Kihyun’s breath ghosting on Hoseok’s neck as he kissed him with more fervour than Hoseok was used to. What would have happened if their makeup artist hadn’t accepted that it was mosquito bite, not a hickey on Kihyun’s neck? What if? What if? What if?
Kihyun was worth it, Hoseok knew that. He was worth the fear, was worth sneaking around, fingers finding each other under the tables during interviews, legs brushing and coy smiles. Kihyun was worth the teasing he received from other members and the eyebrow raise he got from other idols when he showed Kihyun too much affection sometimes in front of them. Kihyun was worth lying to his mother about an imaginary girlfriend he would never have and he was worth lying to the fans he loved too. And because Kihyun was worth it, because Hoseok could never hurt him, he couldn’t let this continue.
Hoseok wouldn’t be able to stand to see Kihyun hurt if they were exposed, wouldn’t be able to stand seeing Kihyun’s name slandered, seeing his own fans turn on him, his friends turn on him. No, he’d have to hurt Kihyun to avoid Kihyun getting more hurt in the future.
“This isn’t working.”
Kihyun’s brows knitted together, a small gasp escaping from his lips.
“What?”
His voice cracked as he said it and his eyes glossed over, a hint of a tear beginning to spill out of his eye. His fingers on Hoseok’s shirt tightened even more and he stepped closer, using his free hand to touch Hoseok’s cheek.
“Seokkie.”
Hoseok remembered how actively he had voiced that he wanted to be Kihyun’s roommate when it came time to choose, how Kihyun had bit his lips and looked down, tiny blush on his cheeks. Minhyuk had looked at the two of them and rolled his eyes fondly. “Please, hyung. We all knew you two would be roomies, no need to burst a lung over it.” He had said. And Hoseok had been happy when night finally fell in their new dorm and Kihyun had slipped out of his bed and climbed into Hoseok’s, placing his head on Hoseok’s chest, drifting comfortably to sleep. And Kihyun currently looked beautiful, bathed in the moonlight spilling in from their room. Hoseok should have been telling him that, whispering it in his ear as they made love, not this. Not words that seemed to shatter Kihyun’s soul.
“Did I do something wrong?” Kihyun asked again, beautiful voice that Hoseok loved so much barely above a whisper.
“No I—no, it’s just.”
“This, it isn’t you. You’re trying to protect me from something or you’re doing this because you think it’ll be best for me. I know this isn’t you.”
Of course he did. Kihyun always knew. Knew Hoseok more than he knew himself. Knew when Hoseok was happy, sad, annoyed, everything before Hoseok said anything. Hoseok could never hide anything from Kihyun, but tonight. Tonight he’d have to.
“No, Kihyun. You didn’t do anything wrong, and no, it isn’t me trying to protect you from anything. It just isn’t working. Can’t you accept that?”
Kihyun looked taken aback by Hoseok’s sudden harsh tone, but he refused to back away, looking Hoseok square in the eyes.
“Can’t I accept that? You’re kidding me right? Just yesterday—just fucking yesterday you were telling me you loved me, and I’m supposed to believe in the span of a day everything’s suddenly not working. Really?”
“Yeah.”
Kihyun laughed, humourless and hollow, “Hoseok. Talk to me, tell me what is really going on.”
“I already did. It isn’t working.”
“So what, you’re breaking up with me?”
“Yeah—”
“No.” Kihyun said, angrily wiping off his tears.
“No?”
“No. No, because I know this isn’t you. I know this isn’t what you want. So I’m gonna go sleep in Minhyuk and Changkyun’s room tonight. You’re gonna sit here and you’re gonna find a way to tell me what is really going on. Tomorrow.”
“Kihyun—”
“And if, if tomorrow you can still look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore and it isn’t working, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you wanna break up. Then fine. But until then, no.”
“Kihyun, listen—”
“And because I know you, I know you’re doing this to protect me or something like that. But regardless of reason, you’ve really fucking hurt me Hoseok.” Kihyun said, stepping back and walking out of the room without a backwards glance.
Hoseok sighed, collapsing on to his bed, Kihyun’s lack of presence already leaving the room feeling cold, feeling less like a place Hoseok found solace in. He needed Kihyun, he needed him by his side, loving him, taking care of him, making music together. But he also needed Kihyun happy, he needed Kihyun to be safe. Tomorrow, he’d have to gather his courage, he’d have to look Kihyun in the eyes without wavering and break both their hearts.
Tomorrow, he’d have to do it tomorrow.