Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Scouting Legion one by one trickled into the mess hall, some shielding their eyes from the rising sunlight filtering through the open windows. Mikasa sat by an open window with Armin, the morning breeze gently brushing the strands of hair off her face, the glow from the sun tinting her cheeks a rosy pink…

Levi couldn’t help but notice her from the other side of the room. After a moment of staring, he grew nervous and looked away, busying himself with his tea once more. He tried to tune in to the conversation Hanji was having with herself, but his mind and his eyes couldn’t help but wander.

Mikasa was resting her jaw on her hand, gazing out to the line of trees beyond the window. He wondered what she was thinking…

‘Levi?’ Hanji leaned in close, scrutinising him as his eyes jolted back towards her.

‘What?’

‘Were you listening to anything I said?’ Hanji pouted.

Levi sighed, ‘Of course not, my tea hasn’t kicked in yet.’

Hanji snuck a glance towards the window, and leaned back with a smirk.

Levi noticed, and glowered, ‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing.’ Hanji shrugged. She waited until he started sipping his tea, ‘Beautiful morning, eh?’

Levi frowned into his cup, and murmered some bitter agreement.

‘Morning,’ Armin and Mikasa greeted as Eren and Jean approached their table.

‘That it is,’ Eren huffed as he collapsed onto the seat next to Mikasa. Jean sat across from him, stifling a yawn before folding his arms on top of the table.

‘Were you two training this morning?’ Mikasa asked.

‘Yes, and I’m starving!’ Eren threw his head back dramatically. He stood up again, ‘Who wants food?’

‘We’ve already eaten,’ Mikasa said, reaching for her cup.

‘I’ll take some more tea though,’ Armin stood up across from her, ‘Jean? You had breakfast?’

‘Yeah, I ate earlier,’ he sighed.

Mikasa watched as Eren and Armin left, before looking back to Jean. He was staring at his hands.

‘Everything okay?’

‘Hm?’ Jean looked up, surprised, an ever so slight blush rising in his cheeks. He stared for a moment, silently appreciating the sunlit shimmer in her hair. ‘Yeah, I’m just tired,’ he smiled at her and leaned back in his seat until it tilted, ‘What about you? You look half-asleep.’

Mikasa gave a small smile, running her hand through her hair, ‘When do I not.’

Jean chuckled, ‘Nah, you look better than the rest of us.’ He blushed a little then, and looked at Mikasa out the corner of his eye. Her smile didn’t go away. Jean opened his mouth to try his luck a little more, when a heavy hand on his shoulder threw his balance – with a small yell he clutched at the table, the chair squeaking against the floor. He looked up to see Levi standing behind him.

‘Jean.’ Levi was quite intimidating when he looked down on you, Jean thought. ‘You’re on stable duty today.’

‘W-what? Captain, I was on duty yesterday, I’m meant to be on gear maintenance today. With Mikasa.’

‘Well, Jean, the horses need to be feed every day, not just when you feel like it. Connie’s in bed sick this morning, so you have to cover. Don’t complain.’

Levi turned to walk away, but Jean piped up again, ‘Captain, I can’t leave Mikasa to clean the gear by herself.’

Levi considered this for a moment, glancing at Mikasa and glancing away as he saw her watching him. He rolled his eyes, ‘I’ll help her. No doubt it’ll get done quicker that way anyway.’ He turned to leave again, calling over his shoulder, ‘Mikasa, be ready in an hour.’

‘Yes sir,’ her heard her say.

Chapter Text

Mikasa scrubbed the rust and the grime out from the corners of her gear, pouring all her focus into anything other than Levi.

He sat across the stock room from her, in a silence verging on uncomfortable; for her, at least.

Yet she couldn’t help but watch him from the edge of her gaze, as he meticulously buffed and polished the smallest inch of steel. His eyes were focused like a needle on his work, the slightest of frowns crossing the brow of his otherwise calm and content features. He seemed quite at peace. It was a nice expression, she thought. And a rare one.

She looked back down at her own work, and sighed through her nose.

He heard it, of course.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, a little harshly. Maybe her interruption of the peace annoyed him.

Mikasa smiled, continued working, ‘I just can’t get my gear as clean as yours, is all.’

‘I wouldn’t expect you too,’ he huffed, smiling a little in return. ‘Don’t worry about it. They’ll need cleaned again either way.’

Mikasa lifted her eyebrows. He squinted.

‘What’s with the face?’

‘I just didn’t expect you to be so… casual about it.’

He smirked then, ‘I know you cadets like to gossip about my obsessive cleaning. Just remember rumours tend to get out of hand sometimes.’

Mikasa nodded. Her cloth swirled absently as she watched him work. His movements were slow, but deliberate. Confident. The cuffs of his sleeves were rolled up his forearms, and the wrinkles around his eyes creased and softened as he focused, as he blinked. The strands of hair that often fell around his eyes were tucked behind his ears, but only just. A length that was too short fell forward in front of him, and he paused to sweep it back.

Mikasa’s breath caught as she realised she was staring. Levi glanced up as she tried to cover it with a cough. She cleared her throat and returned her focus to her gear. It was Levi’s turn to stare.

Mikasa heard a small inhale, as if he’d opened his mouth to speak.

Knock knock.

Petra stood at the open door with her knuckles held against it. She smiled bashfully at Mikasa, and leaned in towards Levi. ‘Captain. Commander Erwin’s summoned the team. He has news on the expedition.’

Levi stood. Mikasa copied without thinking.

‘I’ll be right there. Sorry, Mikasa, I’ll have to leave you to it. Find someone to help you finish up.’

‘That’s okay sir, I’ll manage.’

Levi nodded to her, a smile in his eyes. The second rare sight of the day.

He hung up his gear and followed Petra out of the room. Mikasa stood dumbly, watching them leave. Well, watching him leave.

She walked over to inspect the gear he’d left behind. Spotless. She made a note to request that he show her how he cleans his gear someday… she couldn’t work up the courage to ask today as quick as she thought.

Later in the day, Jean made a point of stopping by on his return from the stables. He frowned when he peeked in and saw Mikasa hanging up the last of the gear by herself.

‘Need a hand?’ He asked.

‘Hm?’ Mikasa turned to him, ‘No, I’m just about done. Thank you though.’ She wiped off some polish from her hands with the cloth.

‘I think the others are heading back to the mess hall. You coming?’

‘Yeah.’

A steady stream of people filled the corridors towards the mess hall. Jean chattered away as they walked, drawing out a tale of something that had happened at the stables probably. She wasn’t really paying attention. She was studying Jean’s face, comparing the brow, comparing the eyes, the way his hair falls, with Levi’s.

Their pace slowed as they approached Erwin’s office, the door opening ahead of them. Captain Levi walked out with the rest of his squad, joining the meal-time parade. Mikasa smiled to herself. He was in a good mood. They must have received good news. Her smile stayed as Eld threw an arm around Levi playfully, remarking on something she couldn’t hear. The others laughed, and Levi replied, patting Petra on the shoulder. She could see her blush.

An unwelcome sting came to Mikasa’s cheeks as they followed far behind them. She began listening to Jean’s story to take her mind off it.

Chapter Text

Mikasa woke with a start, taking in a deep breath through her nose, and groaning to herself as she remembered that her dream was just that – a dream.

She laid her arm out to her side, running her fingers through the sheets, resting her hand on the pillow. He was lying next to her in her dream. Her other arm curled tight around her waist, trying to recreate the feeling, but her arms weren’t as thick as his; not as warm.

She shook her head and threw back the covers. It was just a dream. It meant nothing, she told herself with flushed cheeks, and the sooner she dismissed it the better. She snuck out of the room she shared with Sasha, grabbing her jacket on her way.

She walked silently through the halls, barefoot, watching the distant moonlit forest through the windows.

How immature, she thought, to dream of her superior like that. It was the stuff of carefree noblegirls, not soldiers… right?

She supposed she couldn’t know. Maybe she was being too harsh on herself. No one ever had to know, so she could continue as if it had never happened. That easy. Surely many others had done the same, their acquaintances none the wiser? Connie could easily have had wistful dreams about Hanji, and no one would have known. Maybe Jean had secretly dreamt about Petra, maybe Petra dreamt about Le-

Well, Mikasa thought… Maybe she did. She thought back to the blush that graced Petra’s face when Levi had touched her, remembered all the times since and before when she had grown meek in his proximity. Yes, she must have dreamt about him too.

Mikasa pulled her jacket tighter, folding her arms across her chest as she stepped outside; the midnight air raising the hair on her arms, drawing goosebumps down her legs. She stuck to the cool stone path, wandering towards the well.

She wondered who Levi dreamed of. Was it Petra? Was it anyone at all? If anyone was to keep the subject of their dreams a secret, she was sure it would be him. Yet he must dream too.

She plunged a cupped hand into the still waters of the well, bringing it to her lips and drinking deep. Perhaps it was a harmless thing to imagine him dreaming of her. No one ever had to know. In the safety of her mind, she could pretend that as she woke in the dark, missing his phantom embrace, maybe he missed hers too. She smiled a little, and watched her reflection in the water as the ripples settled.

But she was no Petra. Was she really worth dreaming about?

She stood suddenly and sniffed away a tear before it threatened to appear. It was just a dream, and anything else was just her imagination. Yet her midnight thoughts were hers and hers alone, and for that she was grateful. She was free to wonder and imagine whatever she liked, and no one ever had to know who she dreamed of at night. But as she walked back to her room an unwelcome thought snuck through this sense of calm, burying itself in an unseen corner of her mind. It spoke questions. Whispering, over and over... 

Will the fantasy be enough.

Levi sat tense in the chair, and Hanji watched with a tilted head as he wrung his hands together. The third time, she thought, that he’s done this before a training session.

Hanji stood up from the table, collecting both their empty teacups. ‘Got time for a refill?’

Levi hummed, then sighed. ‘Not really. I should get to training.’

‘Who’s on the chopping block this morning?’ Hanji asked casually, pouring a new cup for herself. She knew the answer.

‘104^th.’

‘Ah,’ Hanji sang, feigning surprise, ‘How are they getting along?’

‘Fine,’ Levi replied curtly.

Hanji turned towards him, ‘Has Mikasa beaten you in a spar yet?’

To Hanji’s surprise, Levi didn’t glare. His eyes wandered to a corner of the floor, his eyebrows slightly raised, ‘She gets closer every day.’

Hanji said nothing as she sipped her tea. Now he narrowed his eyes.

‘What.’

She took her time to respond, considering his face, ‘You’re very alike you know. The two of you. You make an excellent team.’

‘And?’

‘She seems to be warming up to you, is all.’ She moved to sit in front of her open book on the table, ignoring Levi’s pointed looks.

‘No she isn’t,’ he scoffed. ‘She still hates me.’

‘That’s not how I see it.’

‘Well, remember you have bad eyesight.’

Hanji shut the book. ‘She respects you Levi. And you respect her. Maybe you’d do well to cultivate that relationship instead of being so shy.’

‘Shy?’ he asked, incredulously.

A pointed eyebrow taunted him. ‘She’s very pretty.’

‘Oh, don’t start Hanji.’

‘Merely a fact,’ she murmured, returning to her book. Levi gathered his jacket, and Hanji noted his struggle to respond.

‘I’m late,’ he scowled, ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘Bye,’ Hanji called, smirking after the slammed door. Her attention drifted through the window, and the smirk set deeper as she watched members of the 104^th strolling across the grass – away from the training grounds.

Meanwhile, Levi strode down the hall with great intent, brows knitted together uncomfortably tight as he made his way outside. He thought back to Mikasa; their last training session together. He thought of the way her hair, damp from the drizzling rain, had caught in her eyelashes as she asked him for private training. He thought of the way his heart had momentarily lost its rhythm when he said yes.

Chapter Text

Mikasa breathed out sharply and shallow as the impact to her stomach left no more room for air. She resisted the urge to double over, only briefly clutching at her diaphragm before pulling herself back to stance.

‘Are you okay?’ Levi asked, a touch of genuine concern in his voice.

He barely finished the sentence before Mikasa stepped in close, hooking a leg around his and flipping him over her hip. Levi groaned as he hit the ground, knocking Mikasa’s legs out from under her as he did. She landed hard on her back, coughing from the dry, dusty dirt that flew up around her on impact.

She rolled to her knees, to find Levi already pouncing towards her, spinning her so she couldn’t see him and snaking an arm under her own. She tried to twist, to free her arm before he locked it, but his breath tickled her collarbone, his cheek pressed against her ear, and before she regained her focus her shoulder was yanked back; hard enough to restrain it, but not enough to tear any tendons.

Levi pushed until her face was pressed to the dirt, and Mikasa couldn’t help a small snarl as he dug his knee into her back. After a moment of vulnerability, he released his hold, stepping away and letting Mikasa return to her feet. As soon as she did he lunged to trip her, but she was ready, and side-stepped, continuing her momentum into a trip of her own, sending Levi stumbling, but not quite falling.

He wheezed a breathy laugh, ‘Good,’ he said, straightening himself up. ‘Never take your eyes off your opponent.’

Heeding his words, she studied him intently as they caught their breath, circling, breathing hard through their noses. She searched him up and down for any sign of attack, not trusting him to give her a moments rest. From the way he watched back, neither did he.

They lingered that way for many moments - staring and breathing. By the time either of them realised that they were no longer staring out of caution, they had circled ever so slightly closer to each other. Mikasa tilted her head as she noticed Levi’s analysing gaze had settled on the rising and falling of her chest.

He turned suddenly, reaching for some water as Mikasa tried to hide her flushed cheeks beneath her hands. Her fingers pulled at her skin until she forced out the image from her dream. Once she felt under control, she turned back to him. He was still crouching, his back to her.

‘Thank you, Captain.’

‘For what?’ he asked, gruff, his head barely tilting over his shoulder.

‘For the extra training.’

‘Oh. You’re welcome.’ He stood, still facing away from her, ‘Can’t turn down a soldier needing extra help.’

‘That’s not why I-‘

‘Hm?’ he turned then. His nose seemed to have gone red, probably from the exertion. When he spoke, it was not in a mocking tone, as she expected, but rather… soft. Searching. ‘Then why did you ask?’

Mikasa’s mouth moved to form words, but no sound came out. Levi could see she was struggling, and looked away, clearing his throat, ‘Well, Hanji thinks it’s a great idea. Us working together.’

Mikasa frowned. He spoke with his eyes downturned, almost… shy.

'Oh?' she pressed. 

‘Yes… she thinks we’d make good partners,’ the corner of his lip twisted up ever so slightly. His eyes remained distant.

‘Do you?’

The question escaped her before she even thought of it. He looked up at her - at her wide beseeching eyes, and she saw the same expression reflected back. ‘…Think that?’ she whispered.

‘I do.’

The silence sat for but a millisecond before Mikasa stepped forward, reaching him in one stride. She faltered, and Levi could see the fear return to her eyes, the doubt taking over before he held her burning red cheek in his hand. As soon as their eyes met, all uncertainty melted away. Neither could tell who leaned forward first, but what did that matter when their lips were finally pressed together, her fingers finally pushed through his hair. They kissed, once, twice, three times, breathing hard through their noses again until they pushed back for air. Levi marvelled at the meekness in Mikasa’s face, held in his hands, and she at the softness in his.

When all of a sudden, a sorrowful frown marred his gentle expression, and Mikasa instantly mourned it. Levi pulled his hands back to his side; avoiding her eyes.

'This was a mistake,' he whispered, almost to himself. ‘I… we can’t.'

He heard her breath become uneven as she tried to steady her now shaking hands. ‘Why not?’ she asked, in a tone so dejected it sent ripples through his heart.

He spoke through clenched teeth, as though it pained him to do so, ‘I’m your captain. You’re my soldier. I can’t-,‘ He shut his eyes. ‘I can’t care for you.’

‘Because it’s against the rules?’ Mikasa spat the word quietly, feeling the shame she had feared seep into her with every painful second.

‘No,’ Levi reached for her arm, stopping just short. He ran his fingers across the back of her hand. ‘Mikasa... every day we fight, is another day we lose those we try to care about.’ He met her gaze; sad yet stubborn. ‘I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.’

She saw years of grief in his eyes then, and she understood. Mikasa felt her own hot tears welling up beneath her, saw the blurry film come over his regretful face, and she turned, and she walked and she stormed as fast as she could, far and away, anywhere safe from him and the pain his presence brought. But even as she walked she knew she could never escape the thing she had feared the most. The image of him had been changed - permanently, irrevocably. The wistful, dreamy fantasy was gone, killed by the cruel truth: the reality. Rejection.

Levi sunk down against a tree as he watched her leave him. He could hear her stifled, choked half-tears as she fled, and tried to remain convinced that he’d done the right thing.

Chapter Text

Levi, in the cool, dark shadows of his room, perched on the edge of his single bed - rubbing deep the spaces between his knuckles as he stared out of the window to the rolling fields beyond. The space around him was silent. No footsteps in the hall or night owls cooing. It was not the first time he had been awake when no others were, but it was the first time he had felt alone.

He looked to his single bed. To his lone pillow. He looked at his single desk, and his single drawers. His single jacket, hanging by the door. There had been a time when this was enough, he thought, but that was a long time ago.

He let go of a weary sigh and laying his head back, resigned himself to another restless night.

A flash of light, high in the sky shot by the window. It had faded before he could catch it, so faint it had been. He stood, slipping his shoes on without taking his eyes from the starry sky. A flare should have left a smoky trail, but in the waning moonlight it would be hard to see. It was probably nothing, but...

After waiting a moment longer, he cursed and ran from his room, jogging once he got outside, squinting east towards the flashes direction. Nothing.

Levi waited for the warm breeze to pass before dropping his gaze. No smoke; just paranoia. ‘Good thing I never woke anyone,’ he began to think, before another distant, otherworldly flash ripped down the sky. It tore through the spaces between constellations in a brilliant line before fading, as quickly as it had come. A meteor.

The smile that grew on Levi’s face was childishly free, yet somehow… old. He used to watch the meteor showers, once he’d gotten out of the underground. He never knew what they were, of course, not until he met Hanji and had asked. But he’d stay up late on summer nights, sneaking out and away from the lights of the city or the glow of campfires. He went with Isabel and Farlan, when they were still alive. Going alone was never quite the same, but he’d rather not miss them. He wondered then, how he hadn’t come to see them in so long.

Unknowingly, he walked away from the barracks, treading through the long, swaying grass of the fields. The lights danced all around him as he travelled; some small and short, and some longer and brighter traced haphazard designs between the steady stars, falling, burning, and brilliant.

The meteor showers had always held a certain sense of wonder in him. A view of a vast world far beyond their own. When he first joined the Survey Corps, it had helped him put his own world into perspective. After all, what were mere humans and titans to celestial beams, flying beyond the sky? They were barely specks in comparison, and the thought comforted him somewhat. Brief marks on the surface of the earth, shining as brightly as they can before they’re snuffed off the map. Humans and titans and meteors. Self-destructive and short-lived. They weren’t all that different, he supposed.

His knees felt the change in impact as the field led him downhill, and for a moment he tore his eyes away from the light show above. He looked down below him, to see the stars above mapped and mirrored in the still lake ahead. A small ripple shook the watery stars at the edge, spreading out to the centre, and he first caught sight of the person sitting on the bank. A small pile of pebbles sat on the folded red scarf next to her.

Levi tensed, turned silently to go. Back to his room, he remembered. To his single pillow and his single bed…

Mikasa skipped another pebble across the water; one, two, three hops before it sunk with a plink through the black void between wobbling reflections. She turned at the rustling of grass and the scattering of crickets behind her. When she saw Levi walking towards her - in his loose shirt with the sleeves rolled up the way she liked, and the shine of the stars glinting in his eyes - she frowned. She couldn’t even dream anymore.

She rolled up to a crouch, reaching for her scarf.

‘Wait,’ Levi called, ‘don’t go.’

Mikasa frowned at her pile of rocks, before sinking back down with a thud. ‘Is that an order, Captain?’

He didn’t reply. She picked up another smooth pebble and prepared to throw it as Levi eased himself down next to her.

They didn’t say anything as she flicked her wrist. The pebble only skipped once before sinking. Mikasa breathed deeply, but there was no crisp night air to soothe her nerves and clear her mind, only the muggy, stifling summer haze.

She hated how her blood bubbled in her chest. She used to feel so comfortable around him, so natural. She never felt the horrible unease of self-consciousness before that day on gear maintenance, that stupid dream. Her eyes stung with the welling of tears that she refused to release, invisible under her frown.

Above them, another two flashes of light, one crossing the other, flew over their heads. Silently, they waited for more.

‘It’s been too long since I last saw these,’ Levi murmured wistfully, eyes fixed on the sky.

Mikasa hesitated, unsure if she was going to answer. ‘They’re gone so fast,’ she said eventually, almost too soft to hear.

Levi just nodded, turning to see Mikasa staring down at the softly swaying grass. ‘It’s still worth it, I think.’

She looked to him from the corner of her eye, her expression guarded. She waited for him to continue.

Levi sat forward, ‘To catch them, I mean. They’re so rare. And beautiful.’ He glanced at her, ‘It is sad once they’re gone but… I’m glad to have seen them, all the same.’

Mikasa looked like she wanted to say something, but pressed her lips together tightly and looked back to the stars. A brilliant comet flashed across the sky, its glittering trail of ice lingering for only a moment. Her eyes softened then, and she would have smiled if she’d let herself.

‘Mikasa,’ Levi whispered, that sorrowful frown returning to his brow. He reached for her hand, hidden in the grass, his rough fingers gently finding her own and curling together. ‘I’m sorry.’

Mikasa stared at their hands, her throat burning with the effort it took to hold back tears.

His voice was quiet, broken, ‘I’m sorry for being so scared.’

Her head whipped up then, and saw a gentle face looking back at her, apologetic but smiling.

‘You’re like the meteors, Mikasa. Beautiful. Rare. I was so focused on when it’d be over, that I didn’t see the point in trying. But, I’ve realised... I don’t want to miss out anymore.’ His frown was faint, but resolved. ‘If we never enjoy what we have now, when will we be happy?’

‘So… I-,’ her heart pumped uncomfortably strong against her ribs. ‘What are you saying?’ She stared hard at his fingers gently cradling hers and fought the urge to hope, fought the urge to dare to hope that-

Levi suddenly leaned in close, close enough that his warm breath mingled with hers. His free hand had risen to her jaw, tracing its line up to the tip of her cheekbone, catching stray hair and letting it rest across his fingers.

Mikasa stared wistfully at his lips as the air grew tense, as if electricity was ready to spark between them. Then a hot crack of thunder split the sky above, and once the sound had echoed past the horizon, the heavens opened up. As if all at once a sheet of silent summer rain fell around them, and through them. The smell of the heat rose up from the stone path they ran down as the rain made it slick.

They ran to the stables, hands still clutched together, and found shelter under the doorway of the barn. They looked back out to the pelting rain, and Levi became wary of his hand trapping hers. He slipped his fingers out from between her own, but she grabbed wildly back at them, gripping them tight. Her face was downturned.

She whispered, barely audible over the roar of the rain, ‘Do you mean it?’

Levi leaned a little closer, trying to find her eyes. ‘Mikasa? Are you oka-‘

‘Do you mean it?’ she cried, turning, and the expression he had tried to see was frightening. Her eyes were lit with the fire of a cornered animal, a look he had seen in desperate fights – fuelled by fear.

Levi yanked his hand out from hers and gripped her wrists, returning her gaze with a similar intensity so she could understand. ‘I mean it.’

Then, without letting her respond, without giving her doubts the chance to cloud the moment, he wrapped his hands behind her ears and pulled her lips to his. He kissed her passionately, and felt a smile under his eyes when she returned in kind. Loud rips of thunder tore around them, and a flash of lightning too quick to see threw vibrant light into each others eyes as Mikasa snaked her arms around his shoulders, kissing deeply and running fingers across his neck as she savoured the moment that she had dreamed of, finally coming true.