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The city was buzzing with life, noisy and crowded. Abe couldn’t find it within himself to care. He’d seen so many horizons like this one, at least he thought he had. He couldn’t really remember, everything was so fuzzy now. Every memory he tried to pull up felt like a dream he’d had long ago, tangible and there but just out of his reach.
He felt so sure he’d been around the world, seen so many things and met so many different people. Bits and pieces struck him sometimes, a random sight of a location or a face. No names, no specifics, no details. Vague and empty. He felt so empty, hollow like chocolate bunny.
That night with William seemed to be the only solid memory he had anymore. They’d danced the night away with strangers, faces that were nothing but a blur now. The only face he could remember was William’s, with that stupid wig and his crazed grin. Music blaring and colors flashing all around him. It was the only time he could remember not feeling like the world was shattering around him.
He’d woken up somewhere he no longer remembered, his only friend in this madness gone. He felt that William was the only real thing in this world that seemed to barely exist anymore, he had to find him. He was going to find him if it killed him. He was the only thing he could remember besides that night, that horrible night that started it all. He barely even remembered anything before it anymore.
Who was he before he had become The Detective? Did he have family? Friends? A lover? An actual job? He couldn’t remember.
Abe stood up, the tips of his boots brushing the edge of the apartment complex. He’d lived here...he didn’t know how long he’d live here. A night? A month? A few years? What did it even matter anymore. He had a bullet wound he felt always, he existed in a reality that kept switching and changing so fast his brain refused to comprehend it at all. He wasn’t who he once was, he wasn’t even certain he was human anymore.
He took one more drag of his cigarette before flicking it off the roof, watching it fall all the way down to the sidewalk. He slid a foot forward, toes hanging off the edge. No one was watching, no one saw from the street below. Maybe he wasn’t even really here, maybe he just thought he was here. Maybe he’d wake up in another place, another time and forget all about this night.
Would this horrible feeling in his stomach go away too?
He was teetering on the edge of the building, of his sanity too. He wondered if he still had the ability to die, with that bullet wound through the heart he was kind of already dead. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen tonight. He wanted to die, for this to end forever, but even more he wanted to find William. That solid ground he’d found then lost, just like he’d lost his partner.
The thought seemed to make his wound throb and his eyes burned. It was all his fault. They all died because he couldn’t do his damn job just once. Just once. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears rolling down them more intensely than he thought they were physically able to. No looking back. One way or the other, this ended.
He took a step forward onto the air, feeling himself lurch forward and fall. He heard someone scream passed the wind rushing loudly passed his ears. He waited for impact but it didn’t come. He opened his eyes and he was standing on the sidewalk, which was suddenly empty and void of life. It was quiet. Deathly quiet.
Abe screamed. He screamed and punched a brick wall, which should have broken his hand but didn’t. Still bled though. He grabbed his gun, aiming it at his head. It was gone in the next second. He screamed and whipped around, freezing when someone grabbed his hand before he could hit the wall again.
“Whoa whoa! Easy there, what’s got you so riled up?” Their eyes locked. Two different kinds of boiling insanity raging between them. He looked older, somehow, his insanity hiding a tiredness he was trying to ignore. He tilted his head, in the same way he had all that time ago. “Do I know you?”
“William?” Abe said, so soft and almost scared. The other blinked but seemed unfazed by the name. He let go of Abe’s hand.
“It’s Wilford actually, who are-um.” Without thinking Abe had grabbed his hand again, shaking. If he let go he might disappear again.
“Abe. It’s Abe. You don’t remember me?” his voice was shaking. He’d imagined this moment for what felt like forever. Every scripted line he’d thought of was gone, shredded like his wedding photos. He had wedding photos?
“Abe. AAAAbe. Nope, not ringin’ any bells!” he said, his voice cheery and unbothered. “You must have me confused for someone-”
“Murderer.” He’d reacted to it before, maybe it could work again. No. He was just staring like Abe had lost his mind. Maybe he had. He didn’t even know anymore.
“I dunno what your deal is, but you can’t just call people murderers all willy-nilly!” he patted Abe’s head like he was a confused child. “Look, there’s a hospital just down the street a ways, I’m sure they can help you.” He pushed Abe’s hand away, gave him a well meaning smile, and walked away.
Reality was breaking.
“WIL!” he screamed, running after him. He wanted to tackle him but he refrained, instead just grabbing his arm tightly. Wilford exclaimed angrily and tried to pull away but Abe was stronger. “Wilford please! You have to remember me, please!”
“Look, I don’t know you! Get off!” Wilford shoved him away and Abe let him, unable to fight anymore. He fell on his ass on the concrete, his eyes burning again as he cried in the middle of the street. He could feel his wound bleeding. Everything hurt.
“You were everything to me,” Abe choked out. His will to live, his drive, everything was to find him. To have something solid again. Gone. Everything was gone.
“I’m sorry, fella. I don’t know you,” Wilford said, sounding genuinely sorry. Abe didn’t respond, just crying as he bled in the street. He must have died, because this was hell. Reality was shattering around him and he didn’t know how to fix it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.
Without a word he stood, not daring to look up at the other as he turned and walked away. It started to pour, he vaguely wondered if it had anything to with this, with reality shattering. He didn’t really care if it was for him or not.
The street was crowded again, he didn’t know or care when that happened. The weight of his gun was back in his hand. Hadn’t Wilford taken it? He squeezed it slightly, making sure it was there, He was on a street corner he didn’t recognize. It didn’t matter. He pressed it to his temple. People screamed passed the screech of the gun.
It didn’t work. Nothing worked. He suddenly remembered trying everything. He couldn’t die. That must be why his body ached all over, from all his times forgetting and trying again. Why couldn’t this just end? He wanted to go home. Where was home?
He was lying in his apartment again, staring at the ceiling. It felt like he hadn’t eaten in weeks. He probably hadn’t. He was so skinny and his stomach ached. His throat burned and his skin itched everywhere. He was sick, he was dying, but he could not die. He didn’t care.
He knew it was useless. Knew the other would never remember him, knew finding the maniac would solve nothing, but it was all he had besides this suffering. Reality kept caving in and memories became more and more muddled, forgotten pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that made as much sense as a dog raised by cats. He was making less and less sense as he kept going.
When he saw him again he didn’t care. It was a new time, a new place, a new reality. It was a bar tucked into the corner of a street he didn’t know, in a city he couldn’t remember. Abe bought him a drink, feeling like he should, but otherwise didn’t even look in his direction. He couldn’t handle watching him not remember again. It hurt more than his broken bones and bullet wounds.
“You look sad as hell,” his voice was both a blessing and a curse. Abe didn’t look over or answer. “Do I know you?” He winced and gripped his glass tighter. “Dave?”
“Abe,” he mumbled, downing the rest of his drink. “Yeah yeah I know, not ringing any bells. Leave me alone.” He went to slide the glass away, only to find it was full again.
“No,” his voice had softened and Abe finally looked at him as he took a seat next to him. “No, this time it does.” He felt like his heart wanted to jump out of his chest. He downed the rest of the glass again, it was full as soon as he set it back on the countertop. “Why are you chasing me?”
“You’re solid,” was all he could think to say. Wilford nodded slowly, seeming to try to understand but not quite getting the full picture. He sighed heavily.
“You need to go, Abe.” They shared a look, Wilford looking sad. “I can’t save you, you can’t save me either.” Abe looked back at his drink, staying silent a long while before downing it yet again and slamming it on the counter.
“No.”
“No?”
“You fucking heard me, no. I know you can’t save me and I’m not here to fucking save you. I just want to exist with you, to have someone who was there, who’s solid unlike everyone else in this damn universe. I’m not going.” Wilford started to giggle.
“Do you try to sound like a sapless romantic or is it just natural?” Abe glared at him but Wilford just smiled. “Abe, how are you going to stick to me? We’re operating on different wavelengths here, you know that.”
“Dont smile like that, I know you’re right damn it,” Abe snapped at him. He looked back at his still full glass. “One night. One night and I’ll let it go.” He knew he wouldn’t but the thought was comforting.
“Fine.” Wilford grabbed Abe’s drink and downed it, sliding it away. He pulled Abe to his feet and dragged him away and into one of the corners with a door that lead into the back. “One night, free of charge.”
“Ha ha, very funny,” Abe muttered as they entered the room. Wilford closed the door and Abe yelped as he was shoved down onto the bed, watching in the barely lit area as Wilford straddled him. “Oh you’re serious.” Wilford laughed.
“You’ve clearly been through hell, Abe. Let me show you pleasure just once.” Abe wasn’t gonna lie, it sounded nice. “Good.” Oh right, he could do that. “Yup!” Stop it! “Not a chance.” Before they could start arguing Wilford was kissing him and Abe gladly let reality fall away this time.
He woke up with a sore back as usual and his stomach trying to eat itself again. Another day in hell. He moved to stand, freezing when arms he hadn’t noticed around his waist tightened and there was an irritated grunt from his left. He whipped his head around, staring at the man lying there.
“Wil!?” he shrieked in surprise. Wilford groaned and opened an eye, giving him an irritated look. He watched as the fact of the matter dawned on his face until Wilford shot up to stare at him. “Oh my god.”
“Ohhhh my god.” Wilford grabbed his face, honestly a bit harder than was comfortable, giving it a squeeze. He grinned wildly, his eyes practically lightning up. “Oh my fuck!”
“Does this mean what I think it means?” Abe asked shakily, having never wanted anything more.
“I sure hope so, then I can fuck you all the time.”
“WILFORD!”
“What?!”