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The beach hadn’t changed since Lucifer had settled in LA. The city, the human world evolved fast, but this? It was still sand and sea, waves and wind. Beatrice might have grown up and up, Chloe’s hair might have silver strands now; but the ocean? It remained the same, always. Deep and powerful, nurturing and destructive. Soothing when he closed his eyes and listened to the water on the sand, inviting when the sun was beating down and the Detective was enjoying its a cool welcome, deadly when your water-logged wings dragged you down and you’d forgotten being near her meant the world sometimes worked differently. (He would never forget Dan’s face as he helped him swim back to the shore, and they’d never mentioned it again. Dan the Man wouldn’t admit he’d been scared for him and neither would Lucifer, and that was that.)
Sadly, the beach was also where Amenadiel knew to find him alone.
“How’s Linda?”
“You could visit her, instead of asking me.”
“Luci…”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
They let the soft sound of the waves fill the silence. Linda’s brand new titanium hip wasn’t life-threatening, but Amenadiel hadn’t spent long enough among humans to be clear on the differences between a heart transplant, joint replacement surgery, and an ingrown nail.
“She’s fine. She’ll soon be back to her yoga classes, I’m sure.”
Amenadiel shook his wings before tucking them away from human sight. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“They’re growing older. More fragile. How do you accept it?”
Lucifer flicked the ash from his cigarette. “I don’t.”
“But…”
“I don’t. I hate it. I see it every day, when it’s cold and Chloe’s shoulder is stiff and when it’s snack time but Daniel checks his blood sugar so he doesn’t die from pudding overload.” But there was nothing he could do, because it was how their father had designed humans. Lucifer glared at the few clouds in the blue sky, more out of habit than anything else.
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s just… There’s nothing we can do about it, is there? Father could, perhaps – but he won’t.”
“So what do we do?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“You heard me.” Was he pretending to be deaf now?
“Luci, no! You never give up. You’ve got something up your sleeve, right? You won’t let Chloe go without a fight; you’re not fooling me or anyone.”
“What do you want me to say, then? That yes, I’m preparing another rebellion, because it went over so well the first time? Storming the gates of heaven, reclaiming my long lost love from the terrible jaws of a peaceful afterlife where she’ll be reunited with her dad?”
“Being away from you… She won’t like it either.”
Well, no. Neither of them would. But that didn’t mean they didn’t have power – agency, the good doctor would say, over themselves either. “I have lived decades among humans now. Do you know how they deal with dad’s own brand of dickishness?”
“Luci – ”
“No, hear me out. Do you know? They are well aware they can’t change anything, that they have no power over who lives and who dies. Many don’t even believe there is an afterlife. And so they rage, they cry, sometimes they pray. And then, they find out they’re still here, and they still have to pay the rent, they still have to pay tuition for the offspring, they still have to fill up the car and buy groceries, and they… go on.”
“Not all of them.”
“No. But most of them. They go on, and if they don’t or can’t then they assume it’s a problem, and they get pills or therapy and it actually works, sometimes. I’m still amazed to see how resourceful they can be.”
“Do you really believe you’ll get over it?”
That was the question, wasn’t it. Would he be able to go on, if he never saw her again? Part of him said no, no way; part of him said, you’ve changed. You’ve learned. Part of him said, you’ve been living as a human for long enough to be one; another said, not ever. You won’t know disease, you won’t know old age, you will know absolute loss. You will lose everyone, everything. But that was if he never saw her again.
“I’ll… fake it til I make it, then.” As they said. It worked for them, didn’t it?
“You’re fooling yourself, then.”
“I am not. I’m just… I don’t have that fight left in me. Whatever dad’s plans are – I don’t care. I can’t change it, he doesn’t care anyway, I’m just… I just want to be free of him.” And that might just be the answer. Perhaps.
“We can’t. We’re his children, his angels.”
“Maybe you are. He cast me away, remember? And then, did he ever talk to me? Answer me? Explain anything?”
“Chloe – ”
“He experimented. She was an experiment. All of this is,” he said with a wave of his hand. “All this universe. But I like it here, better than I ever liked any other place he made; and so I am staying. All these humans – they talk to me, brother. They get angry at me, they forgive me, they help me and I help them and… even if there will never be another Dan or Linda or Charlotte, I’ll make more friends, just like I did with them. And the only reason I’ll ever try a war again is if dad decides to scrap that experiment. I’ll fight for them, Amenadiel. For them. For this place. Because they’ve been kind to me, and welcomed me, and…” He took another drag of his cigarette. “This time, I won’t lose. If it comes to that – I won’t lose.”
“But Chloe…”
“What about her?”
“I can’t believe you’ll just do nothing. Where’s your, your fire, brother?”
“I wanted to be free, and I am. We all are, if we’re willing to pay the price.”
“But what about bending the rules? What about refusing the deal? Luci, I can’t believe you’ve changed that much.”
Lucifer smiled, but given the look on his brother’s face it must have looked pretty much the opposite of happy. “I never refused a deal, Amenadiel, I never changed the rules. I follow them to the letter.”
“To the bitter end, you mean. To such a high price? No finding some wiggle room, some loophole? How is that like you?”
“I told you, I’ve been living among humans for a long time now, and you know what? They only live a few decades, but they do so much in that short time. They change, they learn, they make choices. I’m just following their example, really.”
“What choice? Luci, what choice? Accepting? Is that a choice?”
“Look, dad is just… not here. He’s not talking, he’s not answering, he’s letting his toys run free, right? No intervention? Then I’ll just ignore him right back. I will be free of him, brother, just as he has made himself free of me. Do you understand?”
Amenadiel looked doubtful, but finally looked away from him. They both stared at the vast ocean, slow and unstoppable. This too, their father had created, then left to itself.
“Will you ever return to hell?”
“I do go there sometimes. I make sure things run smoothly, that the sinners get their due. That those who shouldn't be there have a way out, too.”
“That’s not what you’re supposed to be doing.”
“I don’t care. That’s what feels right to me; I decide what is right or wrong for myself.”
“We can’t do that.”
“Of course we can! We are free, brother. Free to choose, free to act – as long as we live with the consequences, good or bad.”
“Luci…”
“It’s not something you like thinking about, eh? But you too can can choose. You have, before. You can’t pretend you haven’t.”
“I’m not sure most of our siblings would like that train of thought.”
“Some would. Some have.” Azrael, for one. But openly and glaringly like he had, well, no. Not yet.
“I’m… concerned, Luci. For you.”
“You shouldn't be.”
“It’s my choice.” The oaf grinned.
“Oooh, touché.”
They kept silent for a while, listening to the water inching up over the sand. “But you won’t relocate to hell permanently.”
“No. I told you, I’m staying here for now.”
“All right. Then I’ll visit, brother.”
“Must you?” They grinned at each other, and it lightened the air between them before Amenadiel shook out his wings and squeezed Lucifer’s shoulder. He took off with his usual ponderous style, but he was quickly too far up to hear Lucifer’s jabs. It was a shame, he had some good ones up his sleeve. Ah well, they’d keep until next time.
Lucifer shook off another cigarette from his case and lit it with a puff of breath. He stared at the glowing end for a while before taking a long, soothing drag. He hadn’t told his brother everything because he wasn’t entirely sure of himself but it was, he supposed, a leap of faith (hah). He was already looking forward to seeing the big lug’s face on the day… on that day. One day, in the future. For now, however, Chloe was probably waiting for him and so he walked back to his Corvette and drove to her.
“How’s Amenadiel?” she asked as he dropped his car keys in the bowl by the door.
“Fine.”
“Worried about his baby brother?” He frowned at that – he wasn’t a baby anything! – but soon forgot to be miffed when she kissed his cheek. Even after all these years, that light in her eyes, that teasing smile? he’d never be over it. Never have enough.
“That’s what he says, at least. How’s Penelope?”
“She was doing well today, we even walked a little bit in the garden.” Chloe took a deep breath and stepped away from him. “We talked, too.”
“But you talk every day, don't you?” he said as he washed his hands in the kitchen sink.
“Yeah, we do. Today was different, though.”
“Different how?”
“There was this new nurse. He came in the room, and he started the fanboy routine at both mom and me. Said it was a shame I quit acting after Hot Tub High School, that I should have followed in my mother’s footsteps, that kind of thing.”
“Oh.” That nurse was dead wrong, Lucifer decided. Damn, almost sliced his finger… His fruit-cutting might be a little too forceful, but at least it wasn’t that nurse’s face, right?
“Mom shut him down. Can you believe it? She shut him down. She said she was proud I’d made my own choices, that I could have had a great acting career but chose to have a great police career instead; that I was the best daughter anyone could hope for, and… I’ve never seen her ignore praise, either. Especially to defend my decisions.”
“She’s right, you know.” He handed her the glass and started mashing the avocados.
“Yeah.” She set a tumbler of Scotch in front of him and let her fingers drag on his forearm. “But you know what? I realized I didn’t care. Her opinion of me… I’m glad of it of course, but it’s not everything to me, not anymore. I think it hasn’t been for a long time, but I just didn’t want to think about it.” She sipped at her cocktail – the alcohol-free kind, unlike his drink. Something fresh and fruity with a bit of a kick from the chili.
“Do you like it?”
“I do, yeah. Hey, do you miss Lux?”
“Miss it? It’s still there.”
“It’s there, yes. But you’re generally here. You hardly ever go anymore.”
“Better things to do with my time, darling.”
Chloe smiled, bright and happy. “You're sweet.”
The devil, sweet? Well, it never looked like he fooled her for one minute with his usually irresistible bad boy routine, and he’d really tried. So, fine. Sweet – but only for her.
“Chloe, you should know…”
“Yeah?”
He searched for the right words. “I am glad you feel free of your mother’s expectations and disappointments.”
“So am I…?” She looked a little puzzled.
“It’s… it’s something I’ve come to realize, too. That I’m free from the past, if I so choose. From my father, yes; but also from the weight of what I believed he thought of me. His wants and his displeasures and his anger and his… curses, I guess.”
“I thought you’d already more or less come to terms with all that.”
“I thought so too, but there was still something – you know, I believed I was banned from heaven for so long, I wouldn't even question it.”
She put her glass back on the kitchen island with a thump. “Yes?” She knew what he was talking about, that elephant in the room they’d tacitly agreed to ignore a long time ago.
“I don't think I am, really. He cast me down to hell, and he very probably didn’t want me in heaven then; but he doesn’t own me. He made me, but it doesn’t mean he owns me. I can go wherever I want; I was made with that ability from the start so I could bring light everywhere. And I did. There’s still light in heaven that I put there, Chloe. I’m still there. A little part of me.”
“So you’re not actually banned?” She’d sat on a stool and was squeezing his arm so hard he couldn't feel his hand anymore.
“Unless he actually kills me, he can’t forbid me entry. Only I can forbid myself entry, and that I did for too long. I let his mind games restrain me, and it only worked because at first I resented him so much, and then because deep down I wanted to be better according to his wishes.” Thank you, Linda, he added. Thank you all, friends. “I wanted to be granted entry again, to get his love again, even as I thought I hated him. But I do not need or care for it anymore.”
“Self-worth comes from within, bitches?”
“Um. What?”
She stood and pushed him to the sofa with a gentle, but firm touch on his back. “Something Maze said to me once. That you exist by and for yourself, that no one else should have a say about who you are, should decide your worth. We don’t always manage it, but it’s what we should aim for, you know?” He did. He’d put all his worth in her happiness, in her – their, their – friends’. But not in his father’s love or respect; not his father’s anything. Not any longer.
“Wait a minute. Maze said that?”
“I suspect Linda’s hand.”
“That’s probably accurate.”
“It kind of stuck, anyway. So, is that what you mean? That your worth comes from you and you alone, whatever the circumstances of how you came to be?”
“I… yes, maybe. I think so? I was born free, and I have always been. The only limits I’ve ever had have been mine because I still thought of myself as his son, first. Not just me, mine own self – his, even as I hated him. His creature. Now I’m… free.” He took a deep breath, and felt it bring in all the good of his life now, and let out all the weight their own parents had insisted on burdening them with.
“Free,” she whispered. “You mean, you really mean… We…”
“Yes. I do.”
And that I do was worth more than any vows they didn’t take. It was worth forever and stronger than death.