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Renjun
“Who would have thought I’d love you”
Going home with bruised knuckles and scratches on his face was never a good idea. The fifth time Renjun arrived home looking torn and beat up having won from a battle against senior shitheads, his guardian, Sicheng, threatened to send him on a one-way ticket back to China. It was only natural he would be worried, his cousin was soft-hearted that way. But Renjun was adamant to get into the university of his dreams in Korea and work as a renowned graphic designer in the country. He knew that if he worked hard enough and endured the annoying taunts just a little bit more, it would get better.
Renjun arrived in the only place he could think of that was close by. Or rather, the only place he could think of where he could meet certain boy’s pretty face.
He waited by the door after calling the owner of the apartment. It was already 9 in the evening and he figured, judging by the boy’s cute weak drowsy voice, that the boy fell asleep earlier than usual. When the door opened, Na Jaemin stared wide-eyed at him, the sleepiness in his eyes gone but a look of worry evident on his face.
“Injunie, what the fuck happened to you?” he immediately let the boy in before rummaging through his closet for his first aid kit. “Wash yourself first, I’ll lend you some clothes. Geez, I knew you were a war freak, but I didn’t think you’d be this aggressive.”
Renjun placed a hand on Jaemin’s soft, disheveled hair and gave it a gentle pat. “I’m fine, don’t worry. Can I stay here for the night though? I texted my cousin I would be crashing here. Told him we had a group project or something.” Jaemin wrapped his long slender fingers on Renjun’s wrist and studied the scratch and bruises on his knuckles. It was still bleeding and Renjun could sense Jaemin ache as the boy stared at it for way too long.
“Why do you do this to yourself?” Jaemin’s low whisper was tinged with hurt, making Renjun’s heart clench inside his chest.
“I don’t. They just pick a fight with me, Jaemin-ah. I really tried not to, but it was them or me,” Renjun replied, defending himself in the most gentle way possible. “I promise, they won’t hurt me again”
“Okay,” Jaemin replied weakly, releasing Renjun’s hand.
Renjun planted a soft kiss on Jaemin’s forehead before making his way to the bathroom. It had been the third time Jaemin saw Renjun in this state. The last time Jaemin saw Renjun after a fight was when he intervened and threatened to call the police. That incident was after he ended up getting the spot at an exhibit rather than the seniors who were two years older than him, deeming him a threat. Indeed, it was petty. But it was a fight he knew he could win. Renjun always knew how to fight his own battles. Being a boy who had a knack for pushing people the wrong way, he always managed to get himself in hostile situations.
After that incident though, Jaemin gave Renjun a whole litany about how he should just report them to his teachers or call authorities.
Even if he did that, his efforts were moot. As much as he hated to admit it, there were still professors at his school who still looked down on foreign students and never listened to their complaints. Though Renjun got praises from his educators, he could still feel a rift he could never fill just because of his foreign blood.
As he showered, the image of Jaemin’s worried look flashed before his eyes. The bruises and scratches on his knuckles didn’t hurt as much as his heart did. He knew that if he came to Jaemin’s home, he would have to endure seeing the boy that he loved looking at him like he was ready to break like he was something he would lose. Every single time, Renjun would reassure Jaemin that he was strong enough for anything. Jaemin would agree, but when the gleam in his eyes was lost and the smile he had on his face seemed forced, Renjun would ache as well.
Jaemin
“I don’t know why you’re still by my side when I’m still lacking”
Seeing Renjun looking beat up that night made Jaemin feel defenseless. He knew Renjun had fought countless of brawls by himself before, but there was still a fear inside of him — a fear that he was never going to see the boy of his dreams again.
Once Renjun finished showering and changing into Jaemin’s clean house clothes, Jaemin began tending his bruises. “Injunie, aren’t you going to tell me why they attacked you again?”
“It’s just something petty. They’re just jealous my works are going places and they don’t work hard enough,” Renjun replied.
Jaemin always admired Renjun’s pride for his work. It was one of the reasons why he loved Renjun. His passion for design or anything artistic was immeasurable. After Jaemin finished treating Renjun’s hand, he placed the boy’s palm against his cheek, feeling Renjun’s callous fingers rub against the side of his face. “I just hate that I couldn’t do anything about it. I’m afraid that…” Jaemin chokes on his words, still wondering if he should continue. He had been saying this to Renjun a million times, even before they were together, but the boy would cut him off most of the time, saying that he could handle anything. He believed in him.
Jaemin believed Renjun could conquer the world.
But still.
“The next time, I’d definitely lose you. Can’t you stay here with me?”
Renjun paused, thinking about something for a while. But rather than respond seriously, Renjun chuckled and pinched Jaemin’s cheek. “You’re such a kid. I’m fine, okay?”
As much as he loved the way Renjun laughed — how carefree he always seemed when they were together, he hated how easy it was for him to brush this off. How it always seemed like Jaemin’s worries didn’t matter to him at all.
Instead of laughing back, he let go of Renjun’s hand and moved to his bed to lie down. He couldn’t bear to look at the boy. He felt like he was being ridiculed for his weakness. Deep inside Jaemin’s heart, he knew Renjun wasn’t like that, but it was like his insecurities were rubbed in salt when Renjun just laughed at Jaemin’s own defenselessness.
“Jaemin-ah,” he could hear Renjun’s voice, softening — the amusement now withering from his tone. “I’m sorry,” it pained Jaemin how easily he could give in to Renjun deflating his always overpowering bravado when he apologized to Jaemin. If only the boy knew what kind of hold he had on him.
Renjun lied down beside him, locking his arms around Jaemin’s waist, his delicate frame pressed against his back. “I promise I’ll avoid fights from now on. I know I’ve said it a lot, but this time is different. I definitely won’t. You won’t lose me.” Jaemin shifted his position, turning to look at Renjun who had a look of regret on him like a little kid who was apologizing. As much as he wanted to still be upset — as much as he wanted to let Renjun know how he was serious about his stance on the situation — he really had no chance against him.
“Sometimes, I just wish I can do something about it. How can you look at the boy that you love come to you all battered and bruised and not do anything about it?” Jaemin asked.
“You’re not obligated to. I love you just the way you are, and I love just the way we are right now. I’ll change for the better Jaemin, but I want you to try and be patient with me. I’m strong, okay? I can handle this by myself. I just want to see you at the end of the day,” Renjun replied as he pressed himself close to Jaemin, resting his forehead on the boy’s chest.
Emotion overwhelmed him and it sucked how even with just those words, Jaemin managed to shed silent tears. They have had this conversation before, countless times. But Renjun always had to reassure Jaemin and sometimes, he’d get sick of himself feeling this way.
“I love you, Na Jaemin. For better or for worse.” Renjun whispered in the night, his voice wavering as well.
“I love you too, Huang Renjun.”
Renjun
“Who is going to explain how we feel?”
It was on a vacation in Japan when Renjun felt an overwhelming yearning for the boy whose very presence equated warm coffee on a serene winter’s morning. Na Jaemin looked brighter than the summer’s sunshine as he strolled along the beachfront of their friend’s, Chenle’s, vacation home in Okinawa.
Renjun joined him, hoping he would find the answer to the eruption in his chest. But when Jaemin saw him and flashed one of his iridescent smiles, Renjun couldn’t help but let his emotions overcome his sense of rationality.
“I like you, Jaemin. Shit, I can’t believe I like you this way. But you know, I can’t really help it. It’s your fault anyway. The more you try to get close to me, the more I can’t help but like you!”
The strong gust of the morning breeze wasn’t enough to cool his heated cheeks. Renjun wondered why throwing a punch or taunting his enemies was easier than professing his affections to a beautiful boy like Na Jaemin.
The world was cruel that way.
In reply, Jaemin laughed and Renjun felt a pierce to his pride. How dare Na Jaemin just laugh at his confession like that when he feels like a hurricane was wrecking every part of his hostile being.
“You only like me, Injunie? But I’m gone for you. Like, I want to hold you close every minute without you trying to punch me in a stomach, but fuck I’ll do it anyway just so that I can. And like, I always itch to hold your hand, but I’m afraid you’d break my fingers if I did. But I still am completely and irrevocably gone for you, Huang Renjun.”
It didn’t make sense why each step Renjun made toward Jaemin was light as if he were floating on sand. When they were a close proximity, the corners of his lips couldn’t help but tug at its farthest upward. Happiness, yeah, this is what it was.
Was it even possible to be this happy?
“Then hold me you dumbass, get on with it.”
Jaemin
“I’ll continue looking for the meaning of love”
Jaemin doesn’t remember the first time Renjun started to look different to him - the first time he felt differently about Renjun. Maybe it was during Renjun’s last exhibit, where he shined while standing on a podium and talking in front of a crowd with confidence. He was, without a doubt, mesmerizing. Or maybe it was one of those times Renjun slept over at his place to hide from his doting older cousin. Or maybe it hit him during a breakfast session, where sometimes, Renjun would laugh at his antics.
Or maybe it was the time his best friend of six years, Lee Jeno, pointed it out for him.
He and Jeno were hanging out at a coffee shop to study for their midterm exams, but Jaemin ended up just talking about how weird he was feeling around Renjun.
“You’re probably in love with him,” Jeno was blunt in his reply, saying it easily as if Jaemin hadn’t contemplated on it already, but still couldn’t wrap his mind around it.
“But I like girls,” Jaemin pointed out.
“Maybe you do, but maybe you also like Renjun. There’s nothing wrong with that,” he said.
“But how?”
“I don’t know Jaemin,” Jeno sighed. “That’s something you should find out yourself.”
Renjun
“Who should I love?”
“You’ve been hanging out with Jaemin a lot lately,” Chenle said one night when they were at Renjun’s place and Sicheng asked Chenle to watch over Renjun.
“He’s cool,” Renjun replied while working on his project for that Friday’s presentation. It was already Wednesday and he had procrastinated enough before his Professor started posting on social media about additional work they had to do so no one would cram.
His eyes continued to be glued to his screen as he sipped on his coffee. Days before a deadline were always caffeine-induced days and mostly he would rely on Jaemin to provide him a dose. Right now though, Jaemin was also in the middle of a group work with his friends so Renjun decided not to visit his place.
It had been two days since they haven’t seen each other, and perhaps, Renjun missed him.
“You like Jaemin, don’t you?”
Renjun choked on his coffee.
“Was that your death wish?” Chenle’s laughter grew louder, resulting in Renjun’s cheeks growing warmer. Even his glares and threats towards Chenle were too half-hearted to intimidate Chenle. Ever since he hung out with Jaemin, he had been growing soft - too soft- to the point where he felt disgusted with himself.
“Who would have thought, Na Jaemin would be the one to tame the beast in Huang Renjun,” said Chenle.
Frustration, embarrassment, and something fuzzy whirled inside Renjun’s chest that he could no longer focus on the screen. He never thought that anyone mapping out his emotions toward Jaemin would make him feel this way, like a pile of soft goo.
“Don’t tell anyone,” said Renjun.
“Your secret is safe with me!” replied Chenle.
Jaemin
“Who should I give my attention to?”
The first time Jaemin saw Renjun getting beat up by the seniors in his school, he immediately did the most rational thing he could do. He snapped a picture of them and threatened to call the cops. After that, they immediately fled and left Renjun almost unconscious on the ground. The boy was heating, evidently hit with a fever. Jaemin called Chenle and asked if he could pick the both of them up at the location they were in.
“Why do you always have to pick fights all the time, even when you’re sick?” Jaemin complained.
“I don’t. That’s the thing. They came to me first. I can’t let them use me as a punching bag,” Renjun replied, breathing heavily as he held on to Jaemin. “That’s the thing with everyone, they always think I cause the trouble first when I’m just trying to fucking defend myself. I don’t give a shit if they’re older or wiser, if they’re being assholes, I give them a taste of their medicine.”
“You’re such a war freak, you know that Huang Renjun?” Renjun didn’t bother replying to Jaemin as he pulled himself up and leaned against the boy’s shoulder for support. Jaemin wrapped his arms around Renjun, realizing how small his frame was. Compared to Jaemin’s, Renjun was like a piece of slender, sculpted artwork that Jaemin realized he liked embracing. It was odd. “Come on, I’m bringing you back to your place. Chenle got us a ride.”
“No,” Renjun said. “Don’t let me go back yet. I don’t want my cousin to worry. Let me stay at your place, first.”
Jaemin sighed. When Chenle introduced Huang Renjun to him, he knew the boy was going to be trouble. He had heard rumors about him being bad news, earning a blacklist among the seniors. Associating with Renjun was a risk in itself. But the thing about Jaemin was that when someone was in need, he really had no choice but to help them.
When the ride Chenle set for them had arrived, Renjun used as an opportunity to take a nap, leaning on the door. Jaemin would have offered to let the boy sleep against his shoulder, but a part of him knew that he’d probably just get a threat in return. Once they reached Jaemin’s apartment, he let Renjun borrow his house clothes then rest on his bed.
This was the first time he let anyone he wasn’t close to enter his small home. It wasn’t the most comfortable scenario ever. Heck, he never even considered bringing a girl inside. But here he was, letting one of the most feared students in school crash on his bed like it wasn’t a death sentence.
But Jaemin had to admit, Huang Renjun was beautiful when he slept. The lines on his forehead were gone, and his skin where there weren’t any scratches was smooth. Maybe, just maybe Huang Renjun was, indeed, beautiful.
But it didn’t change the fact that he was still, undeniably, a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute.
Renjun
Renjun and Jaemin had come across each other a couple of times on campus. They had a few electives together but were studying different things. Jaemin was studying media and Renjun was studying graphic design. They had a few marketing and political science classes together, but that was it. Their worlds would never collide.
Renjun didn’t have that many friends at their school, except Chenle who was a year younger than him. His other friend, Lucas, was studying in a different school but someone he would meet up every now and then to hang out with. Not that Renjun mind, he was okay with choosing his friends wisely, especially with people, especially upperclassmen, who like gave him the usual glare just because they were threatened by his potential.
Huang Renjun was a prodigy, to say the least. No one in their school would have missed his name.
So when Chenle thought about inviting Renjun to his birthday that year, he forgot to mention he had other friends he apparently wanted to invite.
The aforementioned boy, Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck and Park Jisung.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had other guests?” Renjun hissed.
“Oh come on, Renjun! Let loose! They’re nice, okay?”
The first person who approached him was Na Jaemin. He knew that the boy was friendly, taking the initiative to talk to people when he needed to. So when Jaemin approached him with one of his bright smiles, Renjun felt a little apprehensive.
“You’re Huang Renjun, right?”
“Yeah, I am. You’re Na Jaemin. The guy in marketing class.”
“Yeah, I am. I see that you’ve paid attention to me. I’m flattered,” the first thing Renjun thought was how too nice he seemed. It was with people like him that he always had his guard up. Having a smiling front meant how easy it was for them to take control of the things they needed in their favor.
“Not really, I pay attention to most of the people in class,” Renjun replied flippantly. It was like Jaemin wasn’t fazed whatsoever. His bright front still managed to continue.
“Well, it’s nice meeting you up close anyways”
And with that specific encounter, he didn’t know how much of an impact Na Jaemin was going to be in his life in the years to come. He was going to be Renjun’s reckoning at the same time, the arms he would turn to when he felt like he needed a home.