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Steve found him. It took him a while, but it was worth it. After all it's Bucky. Steve's best friend, the one who's always been there for him, pre-serum, post-serum, up until he "died". Waking up in a whole different world, all Steve needed was his friend. Waking up every day, it felt a different world without Bucky, even before he crashed the Hydra plane in the water and saving millions, sacrificing himself in the process.
Steve blamed himself, no matter what anyone told him, no one could reassure him. Peggy just didn't get what it was like losing the one person you imagined growing old with and having him die because you couldn't save him. What good is the serum if he couldn't protect the one person he needed most? Yes, Steve blamed himself. Yes, he already saved Bucky once, but put him at risk again.
And then he was given another chance. It was a surprise when the mask fell off the Winter Soldier's face and reveal an old friend. And old friend who was now trying to kill him. "Bucky?" No matter the pain of revelation that yes, it indeed is Bucky and he was there to end his life. It was still good because he might just get his friend back.
And now he has to save Bucky again. But this time he had to save him from himself. Steve had to put him back together and help him cope with his painful memories of death. Oh, so much death. And all those lives lost cause of him.
Its fine, Steve can do it all. He can help Bucky hold it together and take care of him. Its fine, he’ll do it all. Everything for Bucky.
And at first it was fine. Yes, Bucky would wake up at night, screaming and Steve would spend the rest of the night trying to calm him down. Yes, Steve would help Bucky with the simplest tasks when they’d trigger him. Yes, Steve carried half of his baggage. Half of his life.
But as time progressed, it became harder and harder. And then it happened.
At first it was just a touch, a brief sensation of lips against lips and Bucky would calm down every time. It worked, so Steve had nothing against doing it again and again, as much as needed, when needed. Then they both started enjoying it a bit too much. So the kisses got longer and touches hotter. Then it became too little; they wanted more. Then feelings got involved. And then they needed more.
Crossing that final line was like a wake-up call to Bucky. There was something different about this, so lustful and lovely, so incredible. And dangerous.
After a night of raw passion and emotion, two halves joining to make a one whole, Bucky ran. He ran as far as his feet would carry him, and got lost in the world.
But Steve found him again. After that Bucky tried to stay as far away as he could in that small apartment they now shared. Steve always tried to get as close as he could.
“Don’t… don’t get too close.” Steve shook his head, it’s already too late. He had to find out for himself. And it hurt, oh it hurt so so SO much.
You don’t want to get too close to me. Bucky will ruin his perfect Steve. Don’t get too close to me. I ruin everything I touch.
It was hart to cope with for Steve. He felt like it was somehow his fault Bucky didn't want to touch him anymore. I did something wrong.
Bucky had another nightmare. Steve rushed to Bucky’s bedroom, to his side and the first thing he did was take his face in his hands and kiss him. Bucky’s hands hesitated, but eventually they ended up on Steve’s lower back, around his waist, just awkwardly holding Steve. They slowly parted and Bucky withdrew his hands. “Don’t.” Steve spent the rest of the night on his own, in his own bed. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant?
It started burning. Not only hurting anymore, no, now it’s worse. Bucky cut his human hand. It brought back ugly memories, flashes from the Winter Soldier, always stuck at the back of his head, still breaking out now and then. Steve didn't dare kiss him again, but instead he sat him down and held his face, trying to wake him up by other means was harder. It took longer and Steve couldn't listen to him. While still trapped between wanting to kiss Bucky, and holding back so he doesn't get hurt again, Bucky was the one who took that step. And Steve could feel the tears that were falling down his face. Once the moment ended, Bucky whispered a faint don’t, more to himself than to Steve. Things just got more complicated. Bucky disappeared from Steve’s view while he was still frozen in place.
The last time they kissed was just a day later. Bucky just needed it, he kept repeating in his mind. I just want him. I just need him. I can’t. I won’t. But he still did. Bucky got too close. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. It will hurt Steve. I’ll hurt Steve.
And that time when Bucky disappeared, Steve didn't go out looking for him.
It’s my mistake I never listen when you say: “don’t never get too close to me, you don’t want to get too close to me”. I had to find out for myself.